regret.

the jewish high holy days of rosh hashanah and yom kippur are a time of reflection on regret and atonement. during the 10 day period starting with rosh hashanah, jews think about what they've done, who they've hurt, etc. and reflect on this and how they can do better in the next year. on yom kippur they ask for forgiveness.

so i was thinking about the concept of regret last week. mainly in regards to having to explain the concept to the boybarians in relation to the holiday.

so i was thinking about regret, driving along, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. it was so astonishing i nearly pulled over.

of all the things i've ever done, all the lines i've crossed and the boundaries i've squished or moved or obliterated, of all the people who might have one (or sadly, more) achey spot in their hearts with my name on it, i simply cannot regret any one thing i've ever done.

this is what nearly pulled me over. out of the blue. just like that.

whoa! this is new.

i can't. and it was as simple as that. and all those nights when i couldn't sleep, and of course that's when the dark thoughts come calling, all those nights i lay awake thinking about what a fucker i was to this person or how awful it was i did this thing, etc. all those nights and now i don't have to do it again. all those times i got that queasy feeling when a memory came up and squashed it because i didn't want to think about what an ass i had been or how stupidly i behaved, gone.

the thing is, to regret is to assume that what you did had no merit. that it was done with complete disregard to anything or anyone else and in total spite of what you know and who you are. which seems like a reasonable assumption to make, right? that you are 100% disregarding and 100% in spite of "knowing better." right?

but wait. to regret is to assume that at the time of the action you are working with 100% knowledge, firing on all cylinders, and that you were, in fact, at the time or at any time a whole and complete and perfect being with nothing left to learn, nothing left to know, nothing left to fail at.

while we all "should know better" sometimes we don't. sometimes we know but there's something else at work. for some reason there's room left to fail. and sometimes it's not clear until later. and sometimes we're just slow learners. A LOT OF THE TIMES we're just slow learners.

even if we're "smart" people. sometimes ESPECIALLY if we're "smart" people.

sometimes we have to go running over the same old ground what have we found the same old fears and shitty behaviors.

until we don't.

and isn't there merit in the finally getting it?

because how do we learn? how does a baby learn his first word? take her first step? that hot is pain? that biting is hurtful to someone else?

it's modeled, we practice till we don't fall, we hurt ourselves till we learn how to not, we hurt others until we learn what it means to actually hurt another person and then we stop.

it's no different as adults. young, middle aged, or otherwise.

we are all here for a reason. with our own path and our own timetable. if we miss a step or screw up the cosmic schedule, it's gonna come around again for another shot. the same step, the same moments. over and over and over until we. get. it.

a system that is at once totally awesome with the potential to be totally heartbreaking and shitty, too. at least until you. get. it.

and while others can be hurt by our cosmic schedules and missteps, they cannot dictate where we "should" be. they cannot hurry us along or shame us into "getting it." everyone gets there when they get there.

shit, it's a wonder anyone can "stay together" or have lifelong friendships or even come to like and continue to like a group of people (family) they never chose in the first place!

regret means the lesson hasn't been learned. regret functions simply to keep us down. you did this you are bad and now you must regret.

bullshit.

that's not how i taught my babies and that's not how i'll nurture my own self.

everyone makes mistakes. and mistakes are only mistakes until you correct them. then they are learning experiences.

regret impedes the learning.

now, that being said, i do not for one moment believe that i am exonerated completely for things i have done, people i have hurt, etc. that's not how it works. and that's not what this is about. because i don't beat myself up with regret doesn't mean the past is erased, and it doesn't automatically soothe the achey spot in someone's heart with my name on it.

that's a whole 'nother ball game that must be played in its own way.

as far as just the personal regret, when we keep ourselves from the lesson, from the getting it and moving forward, there is no way we can be "better" friends, partners, family. and by better i mean someone who got the lesson and knows enough to not squash the boundaries, to not cross the lines, to not bite.

so to all of you silly mortals out there, go easy on yourselves.

life was never meant to be lived in a day. because no matter what, there's always another day, one more chance to learn, and to get it, and to move on.

shanah tova!

x.

p.s. the tree up there is stainless steel. i don't know what that crow knows or doesn't know about that "tree", but he seemed pretty happy perched up there.

this is me giving the bird to your GOP MiG.

dear sarah palin,

i watched your debate on thursday.

i suppose you are pretty pleased with yourself.

that's the way to keep shattering that glass ceiling. by keeping the expectations so low you'll have no place to go but up. you go girl! you show your girls how it is DONE!

which just proves you are indeed a product of the american education system. you should be on a stamp.

during the debate, among the other noise emitted from your yap, i heard you talking about john mccain and what he knows and especially what he's learned. you said that a lot in prefacing your glowing remarks about him. what he's learned.

what have you learned, sarah palin? because you seem just as dumb as the box of hammers you were as dumb as five weeks ago. in five weeks of being coached and coddled and exaulted on high, what have you learned?

how to strap on the highest heels possible and be bitchy with a smile?

because where i come from that's called jr. high.

and one might have thought you'd be a bit farther along by now.

but, maybe like your pregnancies, it just takes longer for you to show than everyone else?

regardless, i think you are one of the worst things to happen to american politics.

and i lived through dan quayle and karl rove. and cheney more than once.

oh, yes, and let's not forget george w. bush. remember him? current sitting president? yeah, i keep forgetting about him, too.

and i actually miss old ronald regan.

/shudder.

i will never forgive you for forcing me to type that sentence above. never.

but what i will mostly never forgive you for, you and your little old man, is for RUINING the word maverick. for essentially making maverick a four letter word. because i loved the real maverick. loved him. and goose and iceman, too. i even loved jester.

hey, did you know tim robbins was in that movie? i know, weird, right? he played merlin. i always forget that. of course he wasn't the big star he is today.

oh, and he's a HUGE democrat so i just betcha he doesn't like you either.

i loved them all and even named my second born wingman because i love them so much. but especially maverick. loved him. and since you made maverick a dirty word he just seems, well, icky. and unlovable anymore.

(to be fair, it wasn't a far fall. what with the couch jumping, and the antics, and the overall i went off my meds but nobody can tell, tee hee! tee hee! behavior, it wasn't a far fall indeed.)

you are a smart girl, sarah, i'll give you that. a very smart girl indeed.

because you've somehow made your way into the very fabric of american culture AND on perez hilton *without* taking your clothes off or having to go on a reality show.

and i just betcha you could even be a guest host on regis and kelly now! or the view!

well played, sarah, well played.

x.

eagle, 1971.

so yesterday we went on a field trip to the outdoor sculpture park across the pond. i had arranged this trip awhile ago, and wouldn't you know it it was the first rain after weeks of beautiful weather?

the thing about the outdoor sculpture park is that it's so beautiful. you're there, you can see it from the street, but it's not until you get in there that you realize you haven't seen a thing. its hidden pockets of art, beautiful landscaping, thoughtful placement of pieces. it's really beautiful.

even in the rain. and the artwork is so inviting. looking at it from a distance is one thing. but actually getting up close with it right there and towering over you is incredible.

and you. can't. touch. a. thing.

even though it's outside and in the elements 24/7 you can't touch it. ever.

sooo, with a bunch of kids i was a little wary, but they did really really well. we walked through the towering serra, and paused in front of the intriguing pepper, and marveled at the "interesting" di suvero.

then we got to the calder that you see above you.

now, this kind of abstract art is not my thing. from afar it's interesting, i suppose. i could really take it or leave it.

but as we got closer and closer i got more interested in it. as it became more near than far, it took on a different look. less "abstract" more inviting. and when we got right to it the docent gathered all the kids underneath and was asking them their impressions and ideas about the sculpture.

do you see that it's an eagle?

yeah, me either. but that's abstract for you. like stacked fusion cuisine. or creepy pretentious cocktails in fussy glasses. not my thing.

anyway, so the parents are hanging back and kids are all excited to say what they think it looks like. then the docent starts to explain about the piece. that it's steel. that it's painted steel with a patented color. that this "red" (i think it looked orangeish up close, but what do i know?) can't be found anywhere else.

she went on about alexander calder, and this work in particular, and she mentioned that he sculpted this piece the year i was born. we are the same age, i thought. she went on and talked about how this piece represented calder's idea about the combination of pragmatism and poetry. she could be describing me, i thought.

and as i looked closer, and felt what it was really like being that close up to so much paint and steel, it reminded me of the golden gate bridge. the color similar, well, similar enough, and the idea that paint and steel, such ordinary and "pragmatic" things can be combined into something beautiful. "poetic" if you will.

and i remembered that day i walked across the golden gate bridge so long ago, and the feeling of awe and interest, of enormity, how i was scared and thrilled at the same time. how the drizzly windy day when i walked across that bridge was not unlike this day. how two separate experiences, a lifetime apart, had such a strong connection. and had made that connection known right inside of me. right here. right now.

and i was thinking about these things as i stood under this great sculpture.

and then i saw one rain drop running down the side. i watched it travel down this painted steel of the patented color and it seemed soft. not the raindrop, the steel. the whole sculpture felt big and strong and enormous, yet it felt like if you touched it it would be soft and yeilding.

pragmatic and poetic.

and before i knew it i reached out and touched that raindrop and began to trace it down the side.

"UH, NO! NO! remember, we can't touch the sculptures!"

and with a collective whip all eyes were on me. all the kids. all the moms. the docent. the docent with the pained smile.

and like coming out of a fog, i looked up and noticed i had my finger on the sculpture and pulled it down really fast.

i didn't look at the duke or wingman to see if they were completely mortified, i just mumbled an apology and the moment was over.

and that's it. i touched the calder. the 14 kids from 4 years old to 13 years old didn't touch the sculptures. but i did.

of course i did. sigh.

and i wasn't falsely accused like last time. and i have no excuse. no touching, and i touched.

and you know what?

it did feel soft and yielding. just like i thought it would.

x.

bon jour!

i found this heart shaped rock on a hike we took a few weeks ago. you hike down down down through the forest and then it opens up onto a cove on the water. it was very pretty. and then when you are done you hike up up up. and then up some more.

to the boybarians' credit i didn't hear a peep of complaint!

the thing is though, see all those rocks? not the heart shaped one but all the rest of them? well, as we approached the cove a part of the trail was flooded over with a running stream. so we shucked our shoes and waded through. and the cove was just about there so we hiked over these rocks, barefoot until we got there instead of putting our shoes back on wet and muddy feet.

only wingman's little tootsies gave out on the rocks and he could go no further.

so what's a mother to do? i hauled him up on my hip, all 45+ pounds of him, dense and tightly packed pounds i might add, and carried him barefoot over those little sharp rocks the rest of the way.

good times.

anyhow, today is the first full day of rosh hashanah! happy new year!

i have more to say on that later in the week.

but for now we are busy busy and have a jam packed afternoon if we can get through the morning.

in the meantime, i wanted to let you know that the duke started french yesterday. and he got 100% on his pronunciation the first day! i know i know, it's the first day, but still!

he has a head set with a microphone and the computer analyzes the accent. he did say he missed one or two and the computer let him know, then on the repeat he nailed it! so the final score was 100%

hey, accent is half the battle! i took five years of french and i know so very little and my accent is whack! so i'm very proud of him and hope he keeps up with it.

and along those lines, A NEW WINE BLOG TONIGHT!!! and in honor of the duke's early (and hopefully continued) success with french i will be reviewing a wine from the south of france!

woo! hoo!

or oui! oui!

enjoy your tuesday.

x.

reason # 39476 why i shouldn't leave the house.

i'm supposed to be working.

i'm supposed to be chopping and mixing and arranging for a party i agreed to do the food for tomorrow night. a party of 150 at a rented venue. a big party.

but i'm not.

and now i will tell you a story.

the other day i was at the store to gather some of what i needed for cooking today and to price out items to purchase a few days later.

so i needed 8 heads of napa cabbage. for a salad i'm making much like the one you see above you. like that big red solo cup of beer at the edge of the picture? good times.

anyway, where was i? oh yeah, so the store had just a few heads from what it looked like, and ON SALE, so i asked the produce guy if they would be getting more in. he checked and then came back and told me

"there is not more napa cabbage coming in in the near future, but maybe we'll get some."

huh? what does that even mean? the state of education in this country. i swear.

so now i had a dilemma. do i buy up what they have now and find room in my fridge for days on end until i needed them, or do i risk coming back in two days to see if they still had some or got some in? drive around town looking for 8 heads of napa cabbage at the sure to be more expensive stores? i doubted my budget or my recipe could deal with the gamble.

i called the lord of the ring to ask his opinion on this particular situation and it's just because he's a gentleman AND because i nearly died giving birth to his children, TWICE, that he didn't hang up on me and pretend the call dropped.

so i was on my own with this, and i pondered and decided to just buy up what they had now. just in case. so i ended up cleaning them out and got 7 heads of napa cabbage.

so i'm pushing my cart around the store pricing out some other ingredients. i was looking at olives when i felt something behind me. like a "presence." something disturbing in the fabric of the universe, yet there was no sound.

i slowly turned around and there was a gaggle of elderly asian women circling my cart.

uh. oh.

i walked over and one of them asked me but without "asking"

"where did you get all this chinese cabbage!"

"um, in the produce section."

"there's none left!"

"um, yeah, i cleaned them out."

how come i was feeling so nervous. like everything i said in the next five minutes was going to be measured and weighed and i better not screw it up. i started to sweat. they started to press in closer. i couldn't tell how many, it was all beginning to blur.

i didn't trust the one in the back in the knitted cap who kept pawing at my cabbages, i moved protectively in front of my cart.

"we came down here to buy chinese cabbage and you got here before us!"

"yeah. sorry."

"why do you need all this chinese cabbage!"

i explained about the party and the food i was making. all the while keeping my hand on the cart handle and my eye on the one in the knitted cap.

after awhile they seemed to be satisfied with my answer but no less irritated and begrudgingly let me go.

it felt oddly like being released that time on the border.

i waited until i was around the corner then i sprinted to the check out counter and hightailed it out of there before they changed their minds.

and for two days i've had 7 heads of napa cabbage waiting for my knife in the fridge. i didn't even bother to find another head just in case i ran into the elderly asian chinese cabbage cartel on the hunt.

so i'm off to chop!

enjoy your weekend!

x.

can i get a witness!

"My heart is singing for joy this morning. A miracle has happened! The light of understanding has shone upon my little pupil's mind, and behold, all things are changed." Anne Sullivan

we all like to think our children are smart, gifted, special.

and they all are.

but when you are their teacher and they are your student, well, it becomes a bit more dicey if they are "not."

and by "not", i mean just average. or heavens agast! below average.

which is NOT a bad thing. at. all. it is what it is.

except if you are the one responsible for their entire education.

get where i'm going with this?

i have never pushed my children academically. sure, we have a pretty stiff curriculum compared to some, and sure i don't allow slacking off of that just because we are home doing it, BUT i don't push.

they learn at their rate and to the best of their ability. and what they learn, well, it's their to own. i just provide the space and facilitate the process.

my kids aren't geniuses, nor do i want them to be.

and i am fully aware of the public vs. home school mystique regarding the myth of genius. i don't buy it. there are geniuses in public schools and average kids who are home schooled.

that being said, good lord when you look at your child and he's absorbed the very thing you've been attempting to teach him, THE VERY THING, well, it's a moment folks.

it's a treasured moment.

like when you let go of the bike seat and they don't notice and they don't topple. when they spend the whole night in a bed other than yours and continue to do so every night after.

and when they spend a whole night in said bed and wake up dry.

when they say mama, papa, or NO! and mean it for the first time.

the first time they laugh.

the first time you see them.

knowing that a concept is grasped, understood, and regurgitated in the necessary context, and that you. facilitated. this., well, it's a moment.

in other news i leave you with a quote from the duke on the mccain;

"boy, you can just hear him getting older every time he talks"

and just so you know, we've talked about age, ageism, and how people can be competent at ALL KINDS of ages, but why HE AT HIS AGE and with related issues (i.e. leaving us to be raised by palin like a bunch of red headed stepchild orphans from the wrong ass side of the brimstone) scares us so much.

he's a smart ass, that one. and i cannot for the life of me begin to imagine where he picked that up.

x.

just a little hello.

this little guy was at the butterfly house at the zoo. pretty, no?

and now a quote from wingman to carry you into your weekend.

"i LOVE group hugs! especially with other people!"

indeed.

and listen, as easy as it is, don't be afraid of what's happening in this country. don't lose sight of the goal by letting fear cloud your vision.

cognizant and aware, yes. afraid, no.

don't be scared. be productive.

get out the vote, and keep your chin up. find a way to take that fear and make it work for you, not against you.

it's easy to hold on, it's letting go that takes some doing.

let go of the fear and get to work. today.

the clock is ticking and it's that important.

x.

well, that was exhausting.

i watched all the democratic speeches and all the republican speeches and all the rhetoric and tabloidy news in between.

and i came away with more than a few things, but i've boiled it down and i'd like to share them with you.

the republicans scare me.

big surprise.

their whole message was one of attack. there was no policy and nothing about what they could do for the average american person. just attack attack attack.

i was sad to see giuliani being so bitchy. he's never been a favorite of mine, but i think he sunk to a new low in his speech.

palin is a mean girl. period.

she's smug and snarky. and not in a good way. and how dare she call out obama on anything. who in the hell does she think she is?

and that creepy smile and the way she crinkles her nose? plus she's a teeth licker. not to be trusted.

in fact, she reminds me of dolores umbridge from the harry potter books and movies.

i have a LOT more to say about her, but i think there isn't anything i can say that hasn't been said already. but i will say this, she scares me. she scares me because she thinks she has something that puts her in a special spot. that puts her in the "deserving" category. she scares me because she wants everyone to lay off her family, then she parades them in front of everyone and dares them to say a thing.

she's the girl that would leave her diary open on her bed and go to the kitchen to get you a snack and leave you alone in her room. she's the girl that would dare you to, lead you to it, and then rip you to shreds when you fall for it.

i know girls like her. and i don't like girls like her.

and i don't get this whole "oh, you're just afraid of a strong woman."

she's not a strong woman. she's a mean girl. she's no better than the 16 year old bitch in high school who everyone wants to be friends with but is secretly afraid of.

i say just keep letting out the rope and she'll eventually do herself in.

what saddened me most was john mccain. he's always been very reticent to even discuss his POW experience, much less trot it out for political gain. and yet, last night, he did just that.

in great detail and more than we had ever heard before, he packaged his most personal challenge for prime time and sold out right in front of us. and as he was speaking, telling the stories, reliving it for all of us, you could just see how much it cost him. how much he was giving away hoping for greater return.

it was truly heartbreaking to watch. he is not his own man anymore. last night was his "divorce" from the republican party in terms of where he's aligning his campaign, but it certainly doesn't mean he's in charge of his destination anymore.

someone convinced him that talking about his POW experience would be a "good idea" and that someone was wrong.

moving right along, i cried at all the democratic speeches because well, i cry at everything. and they're always so full of hope and a climb every mountain thread of rhetoric.

i like that. plus, again, i cry at everything.

bill clinton is still a great speaker. it was nice to hear from al gore, he's looking less bloated these days and is doing far better than everyone else from the old days is. of course i loved hillary's speech and i'm glad from all her color choices she chose the orange pantsuit. whew.

joe biden made me cry. i really like him, but then i would.

obama did less of the big old speech givin' and toned it down and layed down a lot of policy. i know some were dissapointed, they wanted the big old speech, but i suspect he did it the way he did to appeal to the undecided, the stubborn holdouts from the sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits, and the racists.

and now we wait.

in the meantime if you are not registered to vote for whatever reason, go register. or you've moved recently, or your county, state, city has changed voting rules, regulations, etc, check it out and make sure you're up on the changes and ready for election day.

don't let them tell you different, every. vote. counts.

and i don't give a rat's ass who you're gonna vote for (well, actually i do) just vote.

i'd really like to finally see what this country can do if the majority of us are putting in our 2 cents!

and that's my 2 cents.

i wish you all a fabulous weekend!

and now, here are some pretty boats.

x.

sarah palin is the new trainwreck. evil genius is the new black.

(i removed the photo because it occurred to me that not everyone would understand that it was a fake.)

okay, so i was hanging laundry, drinking wine, being irritated.

every day since i woke up friday morning to sarah palin i've gotten just a little bit more irritated.

why in the SAM HELL sarah palin!?!

there is so much wrong with her! SO MUCH!

AND someone we can't even campaign against!!!

with all the family stuff and the messiness and the woman thing and the this and that and then a bit more of this, NO ONE WILL TOUCH HER! NO ONE!

she's not ready to be VP let alone president. she says she threw out the good ol' boys in her state but she IS the good ol' boys. she has zero foreign policy, a belly full of pork, ethics investigations, and threatens people with their jobs if they don't side with her.

she once even threatened to fire a librarian because the librarian wouldn't remove the "obscene" books from the library. a librarian!

she is a trainwreck and she hasn't even left the station! she's her own walking advertisement of what NOT to do! does she not get that the information, ALL OF IT IS OUT THERE! does she not get that EVERY LAST skeleton, picture, and e-mail about her and her family will be available to EVERY LAST person in america! does she even care?

supporting bridge to nowhere and then misappropriating the funds and then spinning the whole thing when you get picked to run for VP = whatever government pork and flip flops are selling for that week.

selling your family down the river for political gain = priceless

why did he pick her!!!

aaaaannnnnnddddd, that's when i got it and could actually hear the greedy little hands rubbing together

"i love it when a plan comes together!"

fuckin' mccain picked THE ONE CANDIDATE that could rally some, abhor others, but is sssssssooooooo messy no one can go after her without looking like a hard assed bastard.

and mccain?

poooooor mccain! had NO idea his pick was so messy. NO idea of the family troubles. so LITTLE vetting. ppppoooor mccain couldn't have crazy old lieberman because the republican constituents wouldn't allow that in a million years, FORCED to pick someone else, so he did a "good thing", a "maverick thing" by picking palin and NOW JUST look at the mess he's in. ppppoooor mccain just. didn't. know.

BUT WAIT! he's standing by her. and so is his wife and this conservative group and that and on and on and on. they are all going on and on and on about what a great pick it was and how sarah palin will be a great thing for this country. oh yeah, and she has some issues. but who doesn't?

um. right. when you've got the "morality" at all costs driven conservatives not saying a word and telling everyone it's none of our business, and acting like we should be proud of her how she is handling it all, then you know it's bad.

and john mccain supports her 100% and stands by her record and defends her right to her family privacy, even though she's practically waving it in our faces just waiting for someone to say something.

what a guy! standing by the troubled girl!

and there you have it.

a manufactured cuckold arrangement for the sole sake of garnering votes.

and she's pretty. and can turn on a political dime to appease the masses and do it well. it doesn't matter she doesn't know what in the hell she's talking about.

she talks a good game and looks good doing it.

so noble to keep the chin up for her family. so noble to "withstand" so much of the "unfair" media scrutiny into her "private life." holding strong and steadfast for her family, for this nation.

john mccain, the upstanding guy who will "do the right thing" and sarah palin, the troubled girl with the heart of gold.

what a story!

unfortunately, john hughes did it first. i'm sure disney perfected it.

fortunately, the formula is already there and now all the republicans have to do is repackage it for the times.

all along we knew. all along there was the "they are evil but not stupid" sentiment, and now we know that's true.

no one can touch biden. his record, his life, his kids, his speaking abilities, his intellect, his EVERYMAN FROM THE WORKING CLASS persona, and he can debate with the best of them.

no one can touch him.

and now, the republicans, for the very worst reasons, have one of their own.

it's time for those 18 million glass cracks to come shattering down.

ENTER THE WOMAN WITH NOTHING TO LOSE WHO COULD USE A BOOST AND WHO IS FIGHTING MAD

i say hillary throws caution to the wind for once. takes down the road map that has so ultimately disappointed her in the end and has more importantly, not allowed her to EVER get angry, or get even, or have a lick of fun in the better part of three decades.

i say hillary throws off the pantsuit and gloves up. i say she takes this woman to task like no one else would.

SCREW the possible judicial seat, or diplomatic appointment, or whatever.

because we all know she's not getting shit. not now. not then. not ever.

and besides, it doesn't matter what you give her because she will never get what she really wanted and what she had to sacrifice and fight for all this time.

i say she says ENOUGH!!! and goes after the very idea of palin and the sheer stupidity of it as even a notion, the sheer lunacy of it all as even a notion, and exposes the party, their candidates, and their constituency for all they aren't worth.

she needs to shout from the rooftops, better yet the network couches, and let everyone know that the emperor is indeed not wearing a thing and anyone who says different is selling something and the people buying are a bunch of idiots.

someone has to say something.

because this is just too, too, much.

the only strength people like that have is in the rest of everybody else having too much fear to speak up. fear of back lash. fear of exposure.

fear of saying what every one else is thinking and too scared to say because it would be too easy.

and it would be mean. boo hoo.

and i think mccain and his campaign picked their vp based exactly on that premise.

evil genius is the new black.

sick hillary on her and let's finally get somewhere.

x.

building, um, bridges.

so mccain picked palin.

a knee jerk reaction to the democratic convention and the hillary/obama situation and not a wise choice in my opinion.

if he thinks he's going to get the hillary vote i think he's sadly mistaken.

hillary supporters were for hillary. not just *any* woman will do just because she's a woman.

it doesn't translate that easily. the sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits is a tougher nut to crack than that.

and sure, palin has her points going for her. unfortunately i think this is just a case of finding the body to fill the skirt. "progressive" as it is, she's still a republican. the sidekick to a flip flopping, bush loving, status quo supporter of all that is fucked up in this country. the sidekick to the guy who is running for a third bush/cheney term.

well when you put it like who in the hell cares that's she's a woman!?! who would sign up for that!

the feminist in me is not amused.

but, that dude is old. and not in the best of health. so perhaps the republican party could give us the first woman in the white house and perhaps the first female commander in chief.

stranger things...

it's at least, at the. very. least, somewhat of a bridge to the future. even if for the wrong reasons, it's a bridge.

fuck, poor hillary. damn if there's not always someone younger faster and prettier comin' up on her heels! everywhere she turns! and this latest one an actual beauty queen!

she just can't catch a break.

x.

i was wondering what he's been up to.

i assure you i am not having nearly as much fun as our commander in chief.

busy here. will be back. behave yourselves!

(you too, george)

x.

camping.

we've been away camping.

this is the view from our campsite.

pretty, no?

every year we camp on the san juan islands at this site with another family. there's a lot of fishing, both salt water and fresh, trips to town for ice cream and boat watching, and everybody gets along, has a total blast, and it's a lot of fun.

other than an end of summer all boy camp out in the back pasture in a few weeks this is the last big summer activity.

in other news, soccer starts next week for the duke. we've always had a one sport a year rule because i don't like the idea that each new season brings a wholesale schedule dedication to yet another sport and team.

but the duke has always wanted to play soccer so we decided to try it out this year.

truth be told, i found a pair of brand new totally terrific soccer cleats in his size for 4.99 at target and that's what sealed my decision.

god, i am so damned cheap. whatever gets you there, right?

BUT, i heard from a friend, who's totally tapped into the public school community, that she heard that the duke's coach is a "yeller." oy.

in the meantime, i've got laundry and unpacking and school to facilitate so i bid you adieu.

enjoy your wednesday!

x.

basketball jones.

so as you can see, i've taken another picture of my morning coffee. this is simply to illustrate something i recently found out about photography.

did you know that when you take a picture of coffee with cream, even a little cream, the color of the coffee ends up looking like watered down hot chocolate? which can be illustrated by yesterday's photo. which is my morning coffee with very little cream and no sugar.

so if you think about it, when you see pictures of coffee in a cup, they are nearly always of straight black coffee. which just looks better regardless of how you take your coffee and screams "cuppa joe!"

it's kinda like when i found out they use watered down glue for pouring milk shots in commercials because it looks more "milky" than regular milk.

and now lets all let out a collective "huh."

all right, moving right along. i'm supposed to be at yoga. but i hurt my shoulder playing basketball yesterday and have to take the day off. bummer. yoga, oddly enough, has become my "thing."

and when i say i was playing basketball what i mean is i was shooting hoops by myself. i try to "play" with the boybarians but inevitably the duke gets all agro and elbowy and grabby and shovey and then wingman gets goofy and the whole thing is just less like fun and exercise and more like another parenting challenge for the day.

and in case you are wondering, yes, i made the shot that hurt my shoulder. 3 points and a perfect swish, nothing but net. and no, it wasn't worth it.

so instead we started school early so we can leave the house at a reasonable time for some errands and visiting with friends before baseball tonight.

along those lines i will give you a "and this is why i love my job" moment from yesterday.

okay, i know i said we are just doing math and latin this month but it turns out wingman and i had some history to finish before we start the new book in september.

and yesterday we got to learn about siddhartha. and how he came to be buddha. and wingman was listening in his half interested half let's get this over with way until the end. until the end of the lesson when it is actually revealed that siddhartha is buddha when his eyes went wide and big and incredulous, and his head shot up from the arm rest of the couch.

"what? he's buddha? he was a guy? a real guy?"

and then he had that smile and that little chuckle he gets when he learns something new AND interesting and went to tell his papa all about it. just in case he didn't know. and then his brother. just in case he didn't know.

history coming to life is a priceless gift to a child. almost magical even.

and makes my job more than worth it.

x.

monday.

we made it through the first week of school and now we are on to our second.

it seems to be going well. there's been no breaking down in tears, hysterical fits, or running away.

and the boybarians seems to be doing okay also.

buh dump bump.

there's still plenty more summer to be had, but i definitely am more and more feeling the shift towards a new season.

it's so funny how we can't wait for summer! then we can't wait for fall! for christmas! for spring!

hurrying through the last, and sometimes best, bit of each season in favor of relishing the beginning of the next. shiny shiny! we love the shiny and new.

silly. mortals. indeed.

and it's a good thing this earth exists with seasons playing such a huge part in civilization. because imagine if there weren't any seasons? imagine the same day over and over only changed by how we are feeling that day. with absolutely no influence either positive, negative, or indifferent by the ever changing weather or the turning leaves or the sense of renewal and rebirth or conversely of the cold and the darkness, of closing up and looking in?

it would be like living in stasis.

or phoenix.

x.

the apple. the tree. not a far fall.

so on monday when the duke was starting his new latin book he encountered a review based on the vocabulary he learned in the two previous books.

"hey! this is a review and i have never seen this word before in my life!"

"maybe you've just forgotten it?"

"nope! i have a feeling i've been bruckheimered!"

in other news, i hope you are enjoying my poppy pictures because besides the lavender (that thrives on benign neglect so i'm not sure it counts)the poppies are the only show in town. i am a hopeless gardener, no wait, i'm not hopeless, but rather hopeful.

i've figured out the real problem is that my dirt sucks. all of it. even if i take the necessary steps towards being a passable green thumb, my dirt ultimately thwarts those efforts.

at some point i'm going to have to remedy this situation. story of my life.

compost? steer manure? take all the dirt out and replace it? who knows.

BUT, in the meantime, california golden poppies apparently thrive in poor soil. they love it! and if they can grow on the side of freeways and in vacant busted concrete lots then they can grow in my soil! right!

well, they weren't growing. they weren't blooming. they weren't doing anything.

and then, they did.

faith and patience. like anything else in life it's all about faith and patience.

and failing that, a healthy layer of bull shit never hurts.

x.

the four buck yogi.

so this morning i felt well enough to go to yoga.

unfortunately, i was running late.

so naturally i was speeding down the road (okay, can i just say that i never speed. ever. so when i say i was speeding down the road it means i was doing approximately 53 in a 50 MPH zone. scandalous, i know)

so i was speeding down the road when i get waaay slowed up by a utility truck going 40! crap!

who goes 40 in a 50 MPH zone!?! losers, that's who!

i start getting all kvetchy at the driver in front of me, shouting out loud in the confines of my own truck, a few choice words and the whole nine yards, when it hits me.

double crap! i am not only breaking the law and risking life and limb speeding down the road now i'm getting all road ragey too!

all to get to yoga? what's wrong with this picture?

clearly someone needs more time with the buddha.

so i slowed down (to be fair, i had NO choice ) and took a deep breath and drove the rest of the way in relative calm.

who's the loser now, huh?

people are weird. we're late so we maximize and compound any potential drama by breaking the law and putting ourselves and those around us at risk. all to get to a desk, or an appointment, or yoga on time?

don't get me wrong, being late is not something i enjoy. in fact, i've been known to get fairly agro about it, but as i get older i am realizing i spend more time fretting about being late or hollering at the boybarians to hurry up or taking my anxiety out on the road than i should. all for what? a few minutes?

because if getting somewhere on time means doing any of those things, all with their own potential short term or long term risks, then it's not worth it. it seems like it is, or you don't even think about it, but it's not.

especially yoga! and 4 buck yoga to boot! good lord.

and while we're on the subject, i'll tell you what you get for your money when you do 4 buck yoga.

the last 10 minutes of yoga, which are typically reserved for the relaxation/corpse pose, deep breathing, closed eyes, low lights, and soothing music, coincide perfectly, as if planned by bruckheimer himself, with the first 10 minutes of arrival for the pre-school in the room next door.

namaste.

x.

today.

today was the first day of school.

today it's my wedding anniversary.

today i have a cold.

tomorrow fall baseball (a month long clinic) starts for both boybarians which means today i have to gather all the stuff they're going to need. cleats, do they still fit? cups, wingman has never had one, bat bags, a new bat!?! of course because wingman's bat is for t-ball. new mouth guards for both, they think they need new batting gloves but that's not happening. and on and on and on. it's worse than a traveling broadway show, i swear.

ooops! i think i might be too busy to post.

carry on.

x.

how you know your neighbor needs some time with the buddha.

this handsome devil hangs out in our yard.

the cats climb on him and lounge in his hands.

the boybarians play baseball and he has a front row seat.

he has an old plum tree overhead, and afternoon son.

he seems happy.

and every once in awhile when one of the boybarians is having a hard time with listening or being kind or being overly sensitive or controlling their anger or whatever else will plague a boy and turn him into a quivering lump of emotions i will tell them to go sit in front of the buddha and just be silent. to just sit and look at the buddha and find some calm.

SO this fine sunny morning the lord of the ring and i were enjoying a few moments on the front porch when we heard a squirrel start his squirrel song in a tree not far away but not on our part of the property.

now, if you haven't heard a squirrel singing a squirrel song it's a repetitive and high pitched chirping and it's annoying. i think they do it for mating purposes? since i'm not a squirrel expert i don't really know why they do it i just know they do it and i just think it's part of living in the world. even if it can be an annoying part. especially if you're trying to sleep.

but, you put a pillow over your head or get up for the morning and call it good. or if you're sitting on the porch enjoying the morning you say

"oh pipe down!"

"get a room!"

and other corny phrases.

which is what the lord of the ring and i were doing. and the squirrel ignored us and continued his song and we continued our chat.

then

BOOM!

and the song was silenced.

yep, the neighbor shot the squirrel.

maybe he was tired and trying to sleep? maybe he had a migraine? maybe he just doesn't have a sense of humor and can't joke about the annoyance or just ignore it?

whatever it is, he's an ass.

and CLEARLY could use some time with the buddha.

x.

sin.

i've always had a problem with the notion of sin. especially original sin.

what a loaded word! it made me bristle and in fact gave me the creeps when i heard it.

because i've always thought that what many consider "sin" is just basic human behavior. not always the "correct" of human behaviors, but a natural part of the growth and development of the self.

plus, sin is damn fun.

the notion of sin especially bothered me in the hail mary. a prayer that i can appreciate, a prayer that could i love, except for the "pray for us sinners" part. i could never fully attach to the hail mary because i never considered myself a "sinner." it just felt wrong.

and yet i love mary and everything that she is, which made not loving the hail mary even harder.

because i am not a sinner and i don't want someone to pray for me as such. not even mary. not even at the hour of my death.

oh, sure, i am far from perfect and have done movie of the week worthy crap in my day. BUT, that doesn't make me a sinner. it just makes me human.

anyhow, recently in a new earth by eckhart tolle, i read the definition, actually the translation of, sin. literally translated from ancient greek, sin basically means to miss the mark, to miss the point. living unskillfully and blindly, causing suffering as a result.

of course as with so many things in the larger culture of the organized christian church and its attendant dogma, sin has been co-opted and convoluted to suit the needs of those who deem themselves in charge. the translation has been replaced by definition to suit the culture of the christian church and its teachings.

but i love the literal translation, and it totally captures the bumbling circus that is individual human existence for much of our waking hours.

i have missed the mark so. many. times. i have suffered, and i have caused suffering.

we try not to, and sometimes we fail in the trying. and missing the mark never gets easier, and suffering whether experienced or caused never gets less painful, BUT knowing that they are a natural part of the human condition lessens the sting and speeds the moving on to the next level. and each time i end up with renewed faith that tomorrow is a new day. another chance. the knowledge that i'm not the only asshole on the ship.

well, if that's sin then i'm getting pretty good at navigating it so sign me up!

and hail mary, pray for this sinner now and at the hour of my death.

x.

sweet.

so i got this little guy in the mail today! a little white chocolate mouse nestled in a box of EXQUISITE l.a. burdick handmade chocolates! a totally unexpected and totally appreciated belated birthday gift. yay! me!

i am not a big fan of sweets at all. in fact you will rarely see me eating desert or a treat or anything like that. even the stuff i make. and while i can appreciate chocolate, i'm not all crazy for it like a lot of women seem to be.

BUT, handmade chocolates i make an exception for. as someone who LOVES to cook and bake and especially to eat, i really can appreciate the time and effort and care that goes into creating chocolates of this caliber.

plus, instead of just being a hit of sweet, there are so many subtleties and layers and textures going on in high quality chocolates that make them that much more enjoyable.

for instance, the one i just chose to eat is a bon bon called the trinidad. "a baton of dark ganache with honey, carribean spices, and chopped hazelnuts"

hershey's it ain't.

i like the complexity of good chocolate. i like the idea of it. i like all the tastes wrapped up in a single piece. and i like that you can be eating chocolate and still not have that as the main focus. that it's just part of the whole.

anyhow, i am a lucky girl!

and, at this point, i am letting the boybarians each choose a piece. at. this. point. i say because i haven't decided exactly which pieces i am truly willing to part with.

in other sweet news, today wingman was regaling his brother and cousin with tales of his dreams last night. the first one i didn't quite get, but the second one went something like this

"mama was gone in las vegas. and when she was gone the color in the house was just normal. but when she came back the color turned all peachy orange"

now that's sweet.

x.

bless the assholes because they need it more than anyone else.

some jackass took the note obama put in a crack in the wailing wall in jerusalem and published it.

i get the whole thing about being in the limelight and the hazards of such, how paparazzi works, the world's voracious appetite for titillation with their news.

but this is beyond the pale. this is such a violation of incomprehensible measures.

this offends me on so many levels.

i didn't read the article because i couldn't bear to be privy to his private thoughts/prayers. i cannot imagine. and it doesn't even matter what he wrote. god.

i have a wall in my yard. i gathered rocks from all around the property and built my own little wall. and when i don't know what else to do i go and sit in front of my wall and have my thoughts. occasionally i write my thoughts, prayers, etc. on a slip of paper and stick it in a crack.

i cannot tell you the peace and pleasure this brings me in the midst of really feeling like i need it.

i cannot tell you how awful it would be to have someone violate that by removing and reading what i've written.

i cannot imagine for one moment thinking it wouldn't be the most awful thing to take another person's private thoughts from where he cast them and putting it in your pocket for removal later when you publish it for the world to see.

i cannot imagine being that person. shame on him, and yet i'll still say a prayer for him because someone like that really. really. needs. it.

in other news, this is our last week of "vacation" before school starts. i may or may not have jury duty every day and it's supposed to rain all week. soooo, i'll let you know how that all pans out.

happy monday!

x.

one sweet world.

"Nine planets round the sun, only one does the sun embrace. Upon this watered one, so much we take for granted; So let us sleep outside tonight, lay down in our mother's arms, for here we can rest safely … One sweet world around a star is spinning - One sweet world - And in her breath I'm swimming, and here we will rest in peace." -dave matthews


this is where we went for a walk today.

it was even more gorgeous in person.

wish you could have joined us, and i wish you something as beautiful as this in your very near future.

happy friday!

x.

the rookie.

so i went to a yoga class today.

can i tell you i haven't been to a yoga class since i took pre-natal yoga with the duke? and before that it had been years and it was only once or twice till i figured out yoga. was. not. for. me.

in my early twenties as a wanna be rrriot grrrl yoga was just not my thing. give me kick boxing or weight lifting or bicycling or dancing on a speaker at a club. yoga was too. darned. slow. and everybody in the big city across the pond where i lived was too darned. oovey. groovey. and soft spoken and all zen.

/shudder

then when i was pregnant with the duke it was great. it got me out of the house and moving and feeling like i was doing a great service to my growing baby. then the instructor took a different class and a new instructor took ours. on the first day she had us all stand in a circle and use a yoga pose or dance move or any kind of movement to "express how we were feeling right then"

good. god.

i am sure i don't have to tell you how incredibly awful this was for someone of my temperament and curmudgeoness (yes, even at that tender young age. if you start young you can hone it to a perfection before you get too old to really enjoy it) to be put through this exercise. and i was a former dancer! 5 years of modern dance (don't laugh) and 2 years of ballet!

so she gets to me and my arms are crossed.

"so i guess, you're um, feeling.. closed?"

sure. yeah. "closed." if that's what you have to tell yourself yogagirl.

i suppose there was a better way to express exactly what i was feeling, but i am, if nothing else, a lady.

needless to say, but of course i will anyway, i never went back.

through the years i've done some yoga tapes at home (remember video tapes?) and some pilates at home, with the ball and bands and weights even (thanks to last year's foray into physical therapy) and found that here and there i really enjoyed it.

so recently i decided that while gardening and walking and what not was doing my body good, i needed to get out and really stretch my body, do something more consistent, and maybe perhaps gain a little peace and a smaller ass.

i wanted to do pilates, but there's only one place close to me and ALL their classes start at like 11. since school is starting back i needed something earlier, before the school day started.

so i found a yoga class at the local community center 10 minutes from my house that starts at 8:10a.m.

and you know, because it's me, of course nothing can ever just be normal. or regular.

no, it's me and 8 old people. oh, sure, most of them are in better shape than i am, but still, they're seriously old. a couple of old men the rest women who had been obviously taking the class a long while together.

the duke asked me when i got home and explained the class to him

"did they call you rookie?"

and then he walked away snickering.

whatever. laugh now mr. bones. i used to be your size. just wait.

anyhow, and the best part is, the teacher. good lord i've never seen a person less like a yoga teacher and more like a truck stop waitress. a dilapidated truck stop that has seen better days and the waitress, better men. and i can't be sure, but i think she had a smoker's gravel to her voice.

no matter. it turned out to be a fine class. it worked me more than i thought, and i felt really good about my ability and my endurance. of course it helps that i was the only person in the class not present for the unveiling of the wheel. but, i'm not complaining. i could seriously kick some yoga ass in this class!

so, i'll go back. it doesn't matter about the make-up of the class or the weird teacher, it provided what i need for right now. it's close to my house, it's just the right time, it's 32 bucks a month for twice weekly sessions (score!), and it's just the right speed for easing back into making my body do what it craves, but doesn't necessarily want to do.

and honestly, though i'm making fun of my classmates, you really never know who will become a new friend.

and who knows, maybe i'll love it become all zen.

every day is a new day, people. a chance to start over, to make a new friend, to find something you love to do.

even if you're a rookie.

especially if you're a rookie.

x.

lavender.

the thing about lavender is you just can't work around it without feeling good.

it's so pretty, and it smells so good even when you barely brush against it, and it attracts bees. and with the decline of the bee population in the last few years, anywhere i see a great gathering of bees gives me hope and makes me happy.

i knew the lord of the ring was really the man for me when we were in my favorite store in my favorite seaside town and not only did he love the store too, but he picked up a big book about provence and pointed to the huge field of lavender on the cover and said

"that's what i'd like my yard to look like some day"

the thing about lavender is that you don't have to give it a lot of attention, or attention really at all, and it will still bloom. year after year.

but the more attention you give it, the more it will reward you. you can see your care being given back in spades. and as a gardener who knows very little about gardening that's a really big deal.

it's a bit like mothering, seeing your work in action in a positive way.

so i cut some lavender today. the beginning of harvesting as much as i can from my dozen or more bushes. there's so much and i've invited a few people to come and cut some too.

i'll dry some and use them to make the sheets smell good and the drawers and a closet or two. i'll cut my favorite two bushes and put the bunches in my vintage maple syrup collection buckets. i'll give some away.

and yet there will still be too much. i won't be able to use it all. no matter what, my little patch always gives a big bounty.

lavender is a generous plant that asks so little and gives so much.

and we could all use a little more of that in our lives.

x.

be here now. because fall is still 61 days away.

i found these miniature fire king casseroles at a sale a few days ago.

how cute are they? i know, right?

and the best part, besides their size and their fabulous shiny orange glaze, is that they were only 1$ apiece! score!

the thing is, now i'm ready to be done with summer! because all i see when i look at these little casseroles are meals based on perfect for fall dishes.

individual servings of homemade macaroni and cheese with a crunchy buttery breadcrumb topping.

or individual lasagnas with a heavy meat sauce and melty mozzarella toppings.

or, and this is where i really get excited, french onion soup. individual bowls filled to the brim with soup made of a rich broth and slow caramelized sweet onions, and topped with a thick slice of hearty bread and blanketed in cheese.

and it doesn't help i spent all day yesterday on curriculum tweaking and lesson planning.

so now when the weather outside still suggests beach days and balmy evenings i'm thinking of bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils, the promise of brand spankin' new textbooks, and soups and stews and casseroles that involve first the stove and then the oven and apparently a lot of cheese.

what would ram dass have to say about that?

x.

because i'm cool like that.

i turned twentyseventeen yesterday.

i baked myself a red velvet cake with pink frosting and ballerinas.

just because i can.

and the duke said

"did you know, mama, that you were born the same year led zeppelin had their world tour? that's so cool!"

indeed.

anyhow, enjoy this virtual slice of cake and be sure that i'll keep you more than posted on the coming travails of my life as a twentyseventeen year old.

i think this is going to be a very. good. year.

x.

hi!-atus.

hi!

apparently i'm taking a break while i work on a project here in real life.

i'll be back monday.

enjoy your weekend!

x.

summer.

ye gads it's the middle of the summer already!

so far the summer of 2008 has yielded;

house drink ~ mojito (for the big guys)
house meal ~ humongous, beautiful salad chock full with crunchy colorful veggies, topped with grilled chicken and sesame ginger dressing (the boybarians are about to put themselves up for adoption if we serve this again- but we love it!)
favorite snack ~ otter pop (for the shortys)
theme song ~ gone hollywood by supertramp (the boybarians)

we start back to school the first of august (just with latin and math) so i feel that waning days of summer push to get all our fun in!

though even with school, we'll have plenty of time in august for fun, and in fact have our annual island camping coming up!

i'm trying to be a better summer parent this year. planning things in advance. finding new things to do. keeping us occupied. keeping us in the free or low cost budget range.

to that end;

i always forget about the free movies. once a week in most towns across the country they offer an early free movie at your local theater. you have to get there early and still pay gobs of money for snacks, and the movies are fairly old, BUT it's a new experience and something to do. an anchor for the day.

also, we are trying to take advantage of more free outdoor concerts. there are a couple of cool venues in our area that offer such things, and we're finally taking advantage of them. a little picnic, a little music, front row to the sunset, sounds pretty good, huh?

we've been going on the bike trail a fair bit, and eating/cooking outside every night. that's summer in a nutshell right there.

there's an amazing boutique ice cream shop in a town not far away that we've never tried. i'm imagining the ice cream isn't cheap, but the shop is very close to a park and on a cool walking/browsing street. so that's on the docket.

also, we haven't had a beach trip yet. an umbrella, buckets, shovels, a cooler filled with drinks, and some snacks and there's a great day right there.

there's putt putt golfing that isn't free, but pretty low cost and fun. and there's always an opportunity to win a free game at the end.

there's also bowling, which is oddly TOTALLY EXPENSIVE, but if you get a group together it's do-able and quite fun. plus, they bring you pitchers of beer if you ask them to. score.

the drive-in movie is a summer favorite. if you bring your own food and drink it's not too bad money wise and more than worth it for a great summer experience. there is quite a nice little drive-in that's a bit of a hike from us, but totally untouched from back in the day, and pretty family friendly.

and if all else fails, or you're done with the summer fun, the heat, the going from here to there, the tour de france is on t.v nearly every day for weeks at a time.

and some days that's all the boybarians need. the drapes in the back room closed against the heat and the glare, an otter pop, and the tour de france complete with the honeyed tones of phil ligget's commentary.

happy summer!

x.

oy.

here it is tuesday already and i've promised you so much and delivered so little!

now you know how my kids feel!

kidding.

kinda.

okay, mostly kidding.

anyhow, i managed a wine blog this afternoon mainly because i chose to drink wine in the cool of the shade rather than actually doing what i am *supposed* to be doing.

though not the champagne i've been promising for a month, because that would be too organized and show follow through and forethought, i think you will enjoy it anyway.

cheers!

x.

because that's just how he rolls.

oh i have so much to say. revealing what the second lesson learned after darwinism was, a play by play on the road trip we just took including the absolute mind blowing experience of the homies and saints vending machine, and expounding on the joy that is the arrival of summer.

BUT

i am experiencing just a touch of depression a smidge really, and that always makes me lazy and anxious and makes adequate and charming recall impossible. but thankfully it's mild and already passing! yea omega-3s!! i love you beautiful flax oil, you elixir of the gods and crazy people! (p.s. my family loves you, too)

SO

i will leave you with the following and be back on monday.

wingman wears socks all the time. pulled up to his knees. all kinds of socks. solids, patterns, white athletic socks. don't know what to get wingman on that special gift giving occasion? a pair of funky socks and he's happy. seriously. and will wear them until they get holes in them, and then wear them just a little bit longer.

he even wears socks with tennis shoes and shorts. in the summer. when it's hot. and he pulls them all the way up.

this sort of evolved because a few years ago we hit a snag in the sandal buying process and started too late and had no choices and so it ended up that we bought a pair of sandals for wingman that just were never comfortable. they had too many straps and some weird pully string thing. so he stopped wearing them.

then last year he was in between sizes and no sandals fit right. they were too long or too strappy or too poky or too black. and so we didn't get any. and he wore shoes with socks pulled all the way up to his knees all summer. happy as a sweaty footed clam.

so when we got home from our trip it was time to gather the necessary items that the duke needed for camp. and while getting the duke new water shoes (he's just hands down refused sandals altogether because he doesn't like them) i saw a pair of sandals just like the ones i knew wingman used to like, on sale, and in his size.

i brought them home and lo and behold he loves them! they're the right color! with the right amount of straps! they aren't too long or too wide or too poky! and they fit perfectly!

and he wears them with socks pulled all the way up to his knees.

new wine blog this weekend! i know i know i still owe you the champagne blog and that's coming. that AND the new wine blog! fun fun fun!

x.

the beauty of darwinism.

so this academic year is ending with two very good lessons recently learned and more importantly cemented into the permanent fabric that is the boybarians' brains.

today i will discuss with you lesson #1. darwinism.

last week we went with our home school group specifically to see the largest redwood tree in the state.

meh.

i was not impressed and in fact did not realize i was under the largest redwood tree in the state until i tuned back into the guide after futzing with my camera and asked the duke what tree was this we were under.

"um, the largest redwood tree in the state"

"huh. i've seen bigger"

but i'm from california. we're a bit snobby about our redwoods with right to be.

anyhow, so after that we went on an interesting walk and the guide pointed out other trees and in fact pointed out a bear trail that had been in use for thousands of years! amazing, and it's practically in our own back yard!

so we're going by this salmon hatchery that had an electrified wire around it. and the guide points it out to me and the one or two parents at the front of the group with me. other parents are far behind, there are many kids in between.

"that's an electric wire to protect the salmon hatchery from predators. let the kids know not to touch it"

so i let the kids immediately around me know and as kids straggled up i let them know too.

and what do the two other boys the duke's age do?

yep. they immediately touch it. with sticks.

"um, guys don't touch the wire. it's electric"

they pretty much just give me blank looks and wait for my lips to stop moving and then turn around and try touching it again.

at this point i can't figure out if they're stupid or they are an experiment of their parents gone horribly wrong, but i marched over and got right at their level and said

"DON'T TOUCH THE WIRE. NOT WITH STICKS. NOT WITH ANYTHING"

the duke was amazed these boys his age were so clueless. wingman just stood there then said

"who would do that!?!"

indeed.

so we move on across a bridge to go look at a bear trap. and as we come up on a long concrete open culvert not in use we notice a doe we had seen earlier. she seemed very upset. very agitated.

as we looked into the culvert we noticed why. her baby was trapped in the culvert. the baby had jumped in, but was too little to jump out.

now, our guide was a wildlife expert. this was a situation he knew how to handle. but, he wasn't alone. with upwards of 40 people with him there wasn't much he could do. so he said

"this mama is very upset. let's walk as far around her as possible to get to the other side and head back to the park. and let's be very quiet. if we spook her she could charge at all of us or she could run the other way and abandon her baby. let's just go as quickly and as quietly around, then i'll come back on my own and help the baby"

that seemed clear enough.

except the littler kids and the girls and THE MOTHERS all rushed forward in a collective "ooohhh poor baby" and started talking about it and moving in closer for a better shot at a picture.

"um, yeah, you know what..."

side note here. for those of you who don't already know this, when i start out saying that very phrase it's just the opening of the gates to bitch city. it's me at the end of my rope. it's me not being able to be diplomatic about it or friendly about it or wanting to deal with it for one fucking second longer.

"um, yeah, you know what? i don't think it's really the best idea to do the exact opposite of what he said to do"

and again i got the blank stares and the waiting until my lips stopped moving and i was largely ignored because apparently mothers don't like being told what not to do any more than their horrible ill behaved children do.

especially homeschool mothers who are all used to doing just as they please and have control issues anyway.

somehow the homeschool herd of genius' managed to get back to the park with little incident.

and turns out the guide did go back and he successfully reunited the mama and baby.

and those boys with the sticks and the electric wire?

not 15 minutes later we all heard a crash and looked over. they had found a bottle and a log and put the bottle on the road and dropped the log onto it. who knows why. because they are boys or bored or curious or just little horrible ill behaved shits who are not used to being given structure or rules or consequences.

because at 11 what do you think is going to happen when you drop a log on a bottle on a road?

here's a hint genius, it's going to break. it's going to break on the road. where all of our cars have to drive on to get out. where all the littler kids are walking across to get to the creek. many with no shoes.

the duke again was incredulous.

"that wasn't very safe"

and again wingman just stared with his mouth open

"who would do that!?!"

and did the mothers of these boys get up and do anything?

yeah, not so much.

another mother read them the riot act and i got the plastic bag and the paper towels and saw that they picked up every last piece and threw them away.

all the while the boys' mothers were busy with their littler kids or saw that the situation was taken care of and went back to socializing or whatever it was that they do instead of parenting their children.

meanwhile probably mentally checking off "science experiment" for the day and calling it good.

look, all kids are curious. my kids are curious. but if someone says don't touch this or x, y, z, will happen my kids know enough about the world to know that x, y, z will happen.

and i can understand wanting to poke and destroy. this largely boy thing. i am the mother of boys. i get it.

but just because you can/want to doesn't mean you should.

and at some point that needs to become crystal clear to every child.

but if you haven't gotten it by 11 that a broken bottle plus road plus no shoes isn't a good idea, say EVER, then when do you get it?

i love darwinism in the same way that i love karma. they are the immutable laws of the universe.

you cannot run. you cannot hide.

you can just piss others off while they patiently wait for it all to catch up with you.

and it will.

it always does.

and therein lies the beauty.

x.

creepy clowns and baseball moms.

so there's this mom on the baseball team and throughout the season i saw her with what was obviously a professional camera taking pictures of her son.

then a week ago she comes to the game with a box full of photos. and then i see her handing a stack to this parent, then that.

obviously she's taken photos of each kid, not just her own. cool.

so i get up into the stands where my friend is sitting and she has a stack of photos of her boy.

"look. this one is great, isn't it?"

"wow, those are good. how many did she give you?"

"there's like ten here"

"that's cool"

"yeah. they're two dollars and i'm trying to decide which ones i like"

"wait, what? two dollars for the stack?"

"no. per picture"

"did you ask her to take pictures?"

"no. i didn't know she took pictures. she just handed me this stack to see if i wanted to buy any"

"what!?! who does that!?!"

perhaps, had i known the woman who actually does that was standing not too far behind me, i could have moderated my voice some.

but it was an honest and authentic reaction and i am finally learning that those are okay to have. and i stand by it. and likely she didn't hear me.

look. she shows up with photos, good photos, of your kid doing various cool things on the baseball field and hands them to you.

a stack of photos of your kid?!? of course you're automatically thrilled. then you see how good they are. then you see how many there are. then she tells you they are two dollars apiece.

this with no prior knowledge of her doing this.

it's a low level amateur form of extortion. plain and simple. sure it's on such a small scale, and sure i'm being pissy about it, but it's STILL some kind of flavor of extortion.

at. the. very. least. it's a violation of the social contract.

how hard is it to send out an e-mail! hey, i've got a great camera and i'll be taking pictures of all the boys. i will offer these professional quality photos for two dollars apiece at the end of the season. your choice to take them or leave them. if you'd rather i didn't take pictures of your son or know you won't want photos then let me know.

there's this movie director turned reality tv show producer named jerry bruckheimer. when you watch any of his "reality" shows, there's always this cruel little twist that "randomly" happens at some point in the show. sometimes it's simple but devastating, sometimes it's actually really cruel. but it's always a set up for a larger fall. and it always changes the course of the episode.

as you can imagine, this makes for good tv. and "random" my ass. in my house we call that being "bruckheimered."

while we don't watch reality tv at all anymore, i have found life bruckheimers you enough you don't have to.

i am all for the artist getting paid for their art. i am all for people trying to make a little money in these hard times. i like pictures of my kid! i would purchase pictures of my kid!

but don't sit down next to me and hand me a stack of photos and tell me that's two dollars apiece, please! when this is the first i know about it.

because it's no better than a creepy clown handing your kid a balloon at the circus and then holding his hand out to you for the dollar. or the guy with the roses who goes up to the couples dining and asks do you want to buy a beautiful flower for the beautiful lady.

do what you need to do, just don't. set. me. up. don't bruckheimer me.

oh, wait. that's right. she didn't. because by the end of the game all the other parents got handed stacks of photos and oddly enough i was the only one who did not.

guess she heard me after all.

x.

rainy days and mondays and big rigs.

so we were at baseball yesterday and the catcher for the other team got a ball to the chest.

right at the part where the chest protector wasn't. poor buddy.

all the parents on our team and understandably the parents on the other team were quiet and anxious to see how he would do.

but a friend was tearing up and actually crying at the injury and the lord of the ring saw her and said

"you're crying. no wonder you guys are friends (pointing to me) she cries at everything, too!"

"it's true. i do. commercials, parades, everything"

to which the lord of the ring said

"i came in the other night and she was watching t.v. and crying at that show trick my truck!"

it's true. i was.

but to be fair, they did a really nice job tricking out that truck.

new wine blog sometime this week. baseball has taken over our lives with the playoffs and the little league has some pesky rule about drinking alcohol in the stands or else i'd just do an in the field review.

and trust me, that would make sitting in those cold and sometimes wet stands a hell of a lot better! we're still waiting for spring and holding no breaths. and by the time we get home it's too damned late for me to try and make any sense. you get the picture.

but it's champagne again so it's well worth the wait!

x.

there are those who love to get dirty and those who love to eventually be able to wear a tank top in public.

today i am shoveling dirt.

i am moving dirt from one spot to another.

i am shoveling it into a wheelbarrow and transporting it down part of the driveway into the neighbor's pasture gate through to our pasture and dumping it.

because i don't have anywhere else to put all this dirt and because one day the lord of the ring wants to build a garage and will need to build up the land to put it he said hey dump your dirt right there. it can't hurt.

so, my little bit of dirt starts the process. a process 10 years in the talking and 10 more years in the financial doing.

no matter, with this action i clear the spot we need cleared and i create the spot we need created.

if i were a bit more zen, i would find some kind of meditation in this. some inner peace with the work. my mind would be cleared and my body would be at rest even with the effort.

as it is, i am thinking shit yeah! this will be great for my arms and my ass!

gary snyder i am not.

but as far as i know he didn't gain 75+ pounds with each pregnancy coupled with an unnatural love for wine and cheese and thus can afford to be all zen.

some of us just don't have that luxury.

x.