Friday, October 28, 2005

it's friday, it's raining, and it's a good thing we've got spongebob...

i told wingman about his surgery next friday...

he's understandably nervous, but didn't react as dramatically as i thought he would...

but boy did he seize on the "afterwards you get to lay on the couch and watch whatever you want" deal...he shouts out

"like tom and jerry! or spongebob!"

then the duke shouts out

"or a romantic comedy!"

o.kaaay.

tom and jerry has recently been banned from the house (these boybarians need NO encouragement in the ass kicking area) and wingman is NOT allowed to watch spongebob BUT if it gets him through this ordeal then bring it on...i'm not above self-medication...i know i could use a tranquilizer and a bottle of scotch to get me through every time i think about my little guy going under...

the duke is seizing upon this opportunity and is currently making a list of all the things he'd like to eat in the hospital cafeteria while we're waiting...he does love a hospital cafeteria...good lord if we took that kid to one of those buffet type joints he'd probably think he died and went to his eight year old idea of heaven...

so that big moment is over...i know it will get a bit more dicey as the day approaches, but i think we'll be pretty much okay going into it...

today's $1 menu tao

forbearance

arctic breath coils the mountain,
rattling the forest's bones.
raindrops cling to branches:
jeweled adornment flung to earth.

this is an especially timely idea in light of wingman's upcoming surgery...whatever we endure, whether our fortune is *good* or *bad*, we must stand tall and remain true to our inner selves...

with faith and with patience we bear what we are given and are rewarded with the power of growth...

though, just for good measure, i'd still like the tranqulizer and the bottle of scotch...

x.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

just say no!

so yesterday i am at safeway...i don't really care for safeway, BUT we were in the neighborhood NOT getting wingman's hair cut because once we got there, per his request i might add, he refused...a story for another day...

anyhow, there are some benefits to safeway...it's the only place in this godforsaken county i can get 7 day guadalupe candles and they have some wonderful organic petit frozen blueberries i can't find anywhere else...which sounds kinda snooty, i know, but when you're blending blueberries for a smoothie the big ones just don't cut it...

i dashed in by myself for one or two items...but the giddiness of being alone in a supermarket got to me so not surprisingly i ended up just under the wire for the 15 items and less checkout...

it's so freeing to stand and compare cost and value of say dishwasher tabs without a miniature version of broadway meets ultimate fighting going on behind you...see because one brand was on sale, but it was a cheapy kinda brand and i was concerned it would leave a residue on the dishes...then i noticed the brand i usually get was not on sale but DID have a 75 cents off coupon...so handy and it's just not the kinda of thing i would have noticed with the boybarians in tow...

so i head to the checkout and i am in one of those double lines...a checker on either side, shoppers and carts in the middle...it's kinda a tight fit and i am loading my items on the belt and i haven't even gotten the first item on when the checker calls to me

"do you have your club card?"

"um yeah, let me get these groceries on first"

so she's annoyed and just sighs...

okay, give a girl a chance why don't you!...you're in such a damned hurry why don't you move yer big old arse over here and pitch in!

so i get the groceries on and swipe my card and she says

"i see you have a 75 cents off coupon on the dishwasher tabs...do you want to donate it to the county girls soccer league or do you want to use it?"

whaaat?

"i'm going to use it"

and if this was something being played out on t.v. this would be the part where the whole store gets quiet and everyone looks at me...

well excuuuse me...but don't put a substantial coupon on a high dollar product and then ask someone to choose!...what is this survivor?...i chose that product because it had the coupon and represented a savings to me...sure i don't need the 75 cents, but it was the only reason why i chose that product...and i don't even know this county girls soccer league!...it's not even my town!...and i don't even HAVE girls i HAVE boys!!...and truth be told i don't think i even like soccer!!...

good lord DO NOT make the checkout a moral obstacle course!

the checker and the woman behind me just looked at eachother...

so we are continuing with the transaction and when it comes time to pay and finish up the checker asks

"do you want to donate one dollar to help fight breast cancer?"

and because i'm on a roll i breezily say

"no"

oh. my. god. now the people in the other line are looking at me too...you'd think i just drowned a box of fluffy mewing kittens one by one right in front of them!

what is this mcdonald's?!!...you don't offer stuff at the supermarket!!...this is not fast food or a department store or the gap!...this is a supermarket and it is a NECESSITY....food sustains life...in this day and age you can't just go out and spear a water buffalo and call it a day...one must shop for food in order to be able to eat food!...

and i don't care if it's some small town girls soccer league or breast cancer it's just wrong!!...if you have a jar with a sign or something like that that is one thing...but to just bombard someone with do you? will you? why not? everyone else is standing around watching and judging you you'd just be a bitch to say no! is just wrong...it's no better than peer pressure and mob mentality...

okay so i don't have girls and it's not my town and i don't think i even like soccer...BUT, sure i care about the fate of small town sports and obviously oh my god i care about finding a cure for breast cancer and any cancer for that matter...duh...but it's bad enough i've got to swipe a wallet's worth of cards to save $4.41 cents and do it at the speed of light or get attitude, i don't need the hard sell...and not once but twice!

and that's the express lane!...i don't even want to think what they've got going in the other lanes!

there is a time and a place people!...a time and a place...it's part of the social contract...or at least it should be...

i think i'm gonna have to stop going there...for good...my own home store just does not do that and i don't care if their prices are higher on most items and i don't care that i remind the cute young deli counter guy of his mother or when i go to weigh myself with the complimentary scale in the pharmacy there all of a sudden seems to be a huge crowd of people behind me all pressing in and craning their necks...

there is absolutely no push to do anything other than get my groceries and hand them my money...they don't even HAVE club cards!...plus there's free cookies at the bakery for the kids which buys me about 3.5 minutes of silence during my shopping...a better value i really don't know of...

/end rant.

todays $1 menu tao

emerging

thunder and rain at night.
growth comes with a shock.
expression and duration
appear in the first moment.

everything is as it is at the first moment of life...it's all there like a little syllabus...but even as we are predestined, there is always room for growth...and with life comes the potential for forceful and *destructive* events that bring shock and fear and devastation...yet with any event positive or negative there are always new opportunities for growth...

and sometimes the most devastating and shocking events pave the way for the greatest growth...sometimes everything needs to be cleared away to let the sun shine down and give the tiniest sprouts that we didn't even know were there the chance to grow and thrive...

x.

Monday, October 24, 2005

move over soccer moms!

there's a new gal in town!

a *helicopter mom* is a mother who *hovers* over her children...micro-managing every aspect of their development/activity from childhood to beyond...

i learned this term from one of those prime time news reports last friday night...i hadn't ever heard of it before, generally believing this type of mom to be *anal* or *overbearing* or *smothering*...

anyhow, i was interested in the story which was to show a helicopter mom in action as she hovered over her two sons who were both in college and living in the dorms...

i thought what a crack-pot! and settled in to watch...

then they introduced her as a mom who had homeschooled both boys and immediately my radar went up...it seems anymore you can't find anything positive reported by the media having to do with homeschooling...they either starve their children or lock them up or thump them with bibles or force them to live in squalor...okay so my house isn't overly clean but i don't even KNOW where our bible is and the only lock is on our bedroom door used for, well you get the picture...

and if anyone of my kids is seen rooting in the garbage it isn't because they're hungry it's to find evidence that i actually don't keep all their drawings and papers...though wingman did use to eat dirt and lick snail trails, BUT I ASSURE YOU it wasn't because he wasn't fed!...it's because he's just *funny* that way...i'm hoping he continues to grow out of this "hey sure i'll try that...better gimme two!" stage before he gets caught sleeping it off on some random child's bed in the middle of the day in a house and neighborhood and city that is not his own as an adult when it isn't as much *funny* as it is an addiction that causes you to spiral into general lawlessness...

but, i digress...

anyhow, as i'm watching the show i am seeing the mom micro-manage her sons from home while one is two hours away and the other several states away...she downloads their homework and corrects it, creates study lists, keeps track of grades and papers, e-mails and calls several times a day to keep track of them and get a report on a particular class or activity...not to mention drives to the one son's dorm every two weeks to shop and clean and do his laundry for him!

they even showed another mom who called her child from thousands of miles away in a different time zone to wake her up every single morning!...and it took an average of four calls a morning to get her out of bed!!...

oh. my. god.

really?

because while i love my sons and i admit i'm *overly involved in every aspect of their lives* and so far homeschooling is it for us i honestly can say i look forward to the day they are out and doin' it for themselves...not because i want them gone because i'm TOTALLY not counting the days or anything (friday june 19, 2015 and friday june 21, 2019...give or take a day) but because one of my greatest hopes is when they graduate from homeschool and move into the world they are equipped and able to manage their own lives...

and if those lives involve college that they'll be able to manage their own homework schedules and keep track of their own test scores and for cryin' out loud no matter what they choose to do be able to DO THEIR OWN LAUNDRY AND SHOP FOR THEIR OWN FOOD!!

sure they will mess up here and there and mismanage time and not study when they are supposed to and mix more than a few different alcohols in a given night and NOT remember to hydrate and forget to pop an advil before passing out but hey, that's how you learn!!...you fall down and pick yourself up and learn how to avoid falling in the future...at least that's the idea behind survival of the fittest but by god darwin is just simply not kind to some...

and i understand that this *hovering* represents an extension of love for some moms and dads...that it is more than hard to let go...that even when our babies are teenagers and then young adults and then adults with children of their own that they are still our babies...that when we see them we can still remember that they used to fit in our laps...willingly...and we can still remember the way they looked as they slept as children, so small against the pillow clutching their bears with their mouths slightly open, dreaming the dreams only children do...

very sweet...but i'm still making sure my children leave this house with a cookbook, the knowledge of how to shop and wash clothes, and for god's sake a damned alarm clock!

oh, and as a side note on that program both those boys were more than happy to have their mom doing all of that...and incidentally both of them were musicians which is cool but both of them made that face (you know the one that's all full of feeling and sensitivity and is is all gross and creepy like they want to be your lo-vah) when they sang and played and neither of them had a girlfriend/partner...and as forrest gump says that's all i have to say about that...

(though the one who had twice monthly visits from his mom decided recently to finish his last year of school in HAWAII...interesting...i imagine about as far away as he could get without leaving the country)

today's $1 menu tao

sound

wind in the cave:
movement in stillness.
power in silence.

which is exactly what i'll have come saturday june 22, 2019...

silence...

well, except for the sound of my desperate wailing as my grief-ridden tears hit the floor in the cold and empty child-free house...

hey i said i'm not going to be a helicopter mom, i never said i'm not going to be a pathetic mess..

x.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

four is the new fourteen...

wingman has embraced his adolescence with fervor...and the fact that he's only four makes it all the more grim...

he was so serene, so cheerful, so easy when he was born...well, after the manner in which the duke was born and took to his infancy and toddler years i could have given birth to danny bonaduce and been tha-RILLED!...

anyhow, lately wingman has been carrying around a remote panel with all my buttons listed...where he got this, i don't know (likely his brother made it for him)...but he has the buttons accurately labeled and ordered and just wallows in pure unadulterated joy at pushing them...

(insert wingman's evil laugh here)

and damned it if he doesn't get the exact reaction he's looking for...every. single. time.

i could go into examples but i am quite certain even the recounting of them would only push me farther over the edge...plus, as YOU don't have to live with him YOU would think it was funny and charming and cute!...because EVERYONE thinks he's funny and charming and cute!...he's like bill murray in what about bob and i'm richard dreyfuss!!!...and have i mentioned how much my boys LOVE that movie and how i USED to enjoy it and make fun of stoveman for getting all irritated at it and HATING it everytime the boys made him watch it UNTIL now when NOW I GET IT!! because not only has stoveman raised kids he's raised teenagers so he KNOWS! and as usual he's RIGHT!!!...because one man's charming and cute is another man's saddam hussein...

oh, and the use of "whatever" has GOT to go...it is not a clever response and moreover it is a lazy tired-ass response...at least if he's going to dismiss me he's simply got to be more creative than that...

i am trying...i am...i am practicing restraint and patience and understanding...i am also practicing resisting the urge to put him down at the end of the driveway with a FREE sign...or depositing him in the non-perishable donation bin at the grocery store...

just drop off the key lee and set yourself free...

he is just so smart and so cute and so lovable...he is...and i do, i just love that boy to death...but sometimes he makes me want to drink the kool-aid and call it a day...

i know this will pass...everything does...problem is, something else always comes along...and when it comes to raising kids, god or whoever it is doesn't close a door to open a window for nothin'...it's a test to see if you push your kid out or jump yourself...

HEY KOOL-AID!

and now we move along to today's $1 menu tao...

reflection

moon above water.
sit in solitude.

now this is beautiful...it reminds me of backpacking...that stillness that comes after dinner and before sleep...and as i have just started doing a meditative yoga pose for depression (once again, the tao knows!...it KNOWS y'all!) this is timely indeed...

incidentally, i haven't been doing the pose for long so i can't say if it's working the way it *should* as i am too busy obsessing on the pain in my knees and shoulders to actually pay attention to my depression...

which just goes to show no matter what you believe god or whoever it is does work in mysterious ways...

x.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

nyquil, take him away!

the duke is sick...with fever and headache and general nausea...he hasn't been eating or sleeping and is just miserable...

plus he is driving me around the everlovin' bend!

oh my god do i love that boy and do i ever feel for him but i'm about to dose him with some nyquil so he will just go to sleep and rest and be far away snoring in another room dreaming of god knows what but just not be awake!

poor buddy, it does suck to be sick...

but you know what really sucks?...sleeping in the same room with someone who is sick who wakes you up every 15 minutes without fail all. night. long. to say one of the following

"mama...mama...mama!"

"gnrrr what is it honey?"

"i'm gonna throw up...but not really...it just feels like it"

or

"mama...mama...mama!"

"gnrrr what is it honey?"

"mama, i can't sleep"

tell me about it...

in other only slightly more riveting news, today i am cooking a big indian feast...

samosas, raita, dal, lamb curry, basmati rice, and homemade garlic naan...

it should be really really good...and the added benefit is stoveman is here and has never had indian food and has always sworn he never will and now he has to!...as you can imagine, he's not entirely sold on the idea and is perhaps right now regretting all those dishes he made me do as a child...

it's such a cancer girl middle child thing to exact torture and revenge in the form of a delicious feast made with love...

okay, i gotta cut this short because the potatoes are nearly done and i've gotta make the samosa filling...

today's $1 menu tao is

devotion

make the crooked straight,
make the straight to flow.
gather water, fire, and light.
bring the world to a single point.

do what you love, the rest comes...

enjoy your day,

x.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

meet the boybarians...

yesterday i called the duke "sweetie pie"...

"don't ever call me that"

"HA! i'm your mother, i can call you anything i want...and really, it could be worse...but just curious, what do you want me to call you?"

"pat"

o. k.

apparently the duke really really really likes the name pat...

then wingman pipes up AGAIN for the millionth time that his name is really peter johnson...

there is a joke of some sort here but i don't think i can get far enough past the image of the duke in his tunic and jeans telling me he likes the name "pat" to be able to come up with one...

and wingman is just cracked...

anyhow, moving right along...

today's $1 menu tao

ablution

washing at dawn:
rinse away dreams.
protect the gods within,
and clarify the inner spirit.

now see, this is just UN. CANNY. y'all!...once again the tao KNOWS!...it just KNOWS!...because it just so happens i JUST had a bath!!...and as i washed my hair for the first time in a long time after trying this "no washing your hair to protect the curls" experiment i really really really feel cleansed...and the just freshly washed hair smell really does do something for the spirit, i must say (and i'd be willing to bet the lord of the ring would agree...i have a feeling at times that even though we have a decade under our belts the poor guy still doesn't know what to make of me)

in my opinion it's about as close to a spiritual experience one can get to that doesn't include stevie nicks and a long neck bud...

so here's hoping there is a cleansing of spirit in store for each of you today...

and remember, it doesn't need to be a bath at lourdes for it to "mean" something...because just as there are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground, there are a million ways to be cleansed...

x.

Monday, October 10, 2005

who needs therapy when you have children?

there's nothing like the matter-of-factness of children to point out what exactly is wrong in our lives...and it's usually so simple a misstep(s), what we would consider a mere hiccup in the cosmic belch of our deeper rooted problems...so basic are these issues that they are dismissed in favor of the flashier dilemmas and demons that plague us...which means too often we focus on the prime time problems while the awful truth goes unnoticed...but not by a child...

for instance any time i come down the stairs in something *other* than pajamas or stretchy pants some child or another who lives here will look up excitedly and say

"where are we going?"

"nowhere"

"um, then why are you dressed?"

or when i am cleaning house in *any* capacity some child or another who lives here will inevitably ask

"wow!...who's coming over?"

"no one"

"oh...are you sure?"

both of which suggest either action doesn't take place all that often therefore further suggesting *someone* needs to get her shit together and soon...

and that most people probably don't need therapy they just need a maid...

and now because we all need a little more spirit and a bit more wisdom in our lives i introduce to you a new feature i call the

$1 menu tao

no no no, it's not a gut busting grease ball of cheap chinese food but rather an easily digestible, makes you think, tastes great! less filling! take on the tao te ching...in honor of the tao and my apparent overwhelming laziness it will be easy and fast and yet depthy (is depthy a word?...yeah, i didn't think so but you know what i mean)...because while the tao te ching is one of the most important books i have ever read, sometimes it's nice to get a dose of spirit in the fast acting quick dissolving tablets...

so i turn to my handy dandy tao for dummies book and bring you today's $1 menu tao

beginning

this is the moment of embarking.
all auspicious signs are in place.

now how appropriate is THAT!...huh?!?...see!...how timely!...as if the tao KNOWS what i'm thinking!...it KNOWS today is the beginning of the $1 menu tao!...you can't BUY connection like that!...

seriously, i wholeheartedly encourage each and everyone of you to read the the actual tao te ching...really, if you haven't it's a must...

but in the meantime, enjoy the drive through version...

x.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

spray. scrape. repeat.

i am attempting to paint my dining room...

which means first removing two layers of very old wallpaper...

there is not really a word available that fully captures how awful a task this is...

no wonder i haven't done it in all the years we have lived here....no wonder people rent...no wonder i drink...

in other news, the boybarians have chosen to be roman legionaries for halloween...they have been wearing their outfits for a few days now and love them...

the duke especially loves the tunic, and has taken to wearing it sans the rest of the outfit...

"it's comfortable and cool...i love it!"

indeed.

and then there's wingman...lately he has been very interested in how babies come to be inside of their mama's tummies...

and he just looks at me like "um, please" when i tell him it's "magic"...he knows that's bullshit and i've just not yet come up with a plan of attack for explaining it better than that...and yes, i am terribly embarrassed that that answer made it into my brain and past my lips...especially given my previous background...

it's funny how some aspects of parenting just are no big deal, and then you come upon one that is surprising in its challenge..its ability to kind of just stop you in your tracks and make you go "uh...hmmm...um..."

the duke is eight and we haven't done the birds and the bees with him yet...he's never been very interested, but at four wingman is dying to know the answers to all kinds of things...like do we hear when we're dead?, do we become babies again when we die?, how do babies get from being in the sky into their mama's tummies?...

i suppose i won't worry too much about it now because i know the moment will present itself and i'll seize upon it...and hopefully i won't fuck it up...

in the meantime i wonder how deeply wingman will continue to ponder all that seems so vast...and how long the duke will continue to enjoy wearing a long silky tunic...

x.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

where there's a will there's one worried mama...

wingman needs a will...oh and a durable power of attorney (as opposed to those flimsy ones you can get at wal-mart?)

he is scheduled to have his dental surgery on nov. 4th...they are putting him under which carries with it the risk that he may not come back "up"...hence the need for a copy of his will provided with his hospital intake paperwork...

for someone who just recently learned to wipe his own butt you can imagine he's not been around long enough to acquire much that is of great importance to him...his pooh bear, his baby doll, the odd hot wheel, an old book he carries around the house and "reads" every night in bed with a lot of pages very small print and no pictures titled my india, my america...

and because it's still quite a bit of time away we aren't telling him yet...poor kid...

i am trying not to make too much of this in my mind...trying not to worry, trying to be positive...but i can't help feeling very nervous about the whole thing...i find myself looking at him more, holding him a bit longer for a hug, not minding so much when he climbs into bed with us at night taking all of my pillow and shoving me to the edge of the bed...

i know it's going to be okay...it has to be...it will be...

still, i can't help but feel little cracks in my heart when i find myself thinking about it...because you can always be prepared, do the right things, think positively and things still happen that you don't want to happen...

in this process i am reminded once again and overwhelmingly of the fragility of life...the tenuousness of existence...the fact that since having children my heart is no longer the same size it once was, no longer beating safely and securely deep inside my chest...that my heart no longer beats only for me...

i will try and remain optimistic...have faith and trust the process...

but despite my want to hold him more, i've got to watch the outward manifestations of my fear towards wingman...because it doesn't honor the process, and because apparently i am annoying and unhygenic...

"mama, you are hugging me so tight i can't breeve!...and eeewww your bref SMELLS!!"

x.

Monday, October 03, 2005

and there you have it...

i am seriously considering ordering a bedazzler off of the television and i made my children spam for dinner last night...

i'd like to believe it's because i have been ill and therefore my defenses are down...

but i know it's far more sinister than that...

you can take the girl out of the central valley but try as you might you just can't take the central valley out of the girl...

x.