Thursday, August 30, 2007

wedded bliss sillymortalstyle.

on the way camping, as we are exiting the freeway on our way to the second of our ferry rides for the day we passed a building right there practically on the off ramp...the lord of the ring says

"hey, we've eaten there before"

"god i hope not"

"what? i don't think it was all that great, but we've definitely been there before"

"oh, i'm fairly certain i would remember eating somewhere called the 'cocusa motel and restaurant'"

"well, we did you ju-...oh, yeah, it wasn't you"

see, i know i have a bad memory...but maybe, just maybe, occasionally it's a convenient excuse for others just not wanting to remember their own sordid or boring or not worth mentioning pasts...

or maybe he just honestly mixed me up with the perpetually stoned addicted to long drives and antique shopping trustafarian millionaire ex-girlfriend...

it certainly beats the time he accidentally called me "sherzy"...which is not even a real word or thing and as near as i can tell was an amalgamation of the names of two old girlfriends and mine...

but i really have no room to kvetch because as soon as they catch up with it and put two and two together the lord of the ring will be paying my ex-husband's nearly 15 year old tax bill.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007


we went camping and came back...the pet sitter came and went and it worked out fabulously...

we're back in the swing of school and starting the rest of our subjects next week...

we start up piano again today and art lessons next month...

homeschooling two kids is somewhat of a scheduling challenge...the duke is doing a LOT more outlining and writing this year, and using more independent sources as opposed to one set text for a lot of his subjects...this means a bit more advanced planning on my part re: actual lessons and probably more hand holding than i'm used to re: the writing part...

wingman's work is fairly set, but a lot of it needs me sitting beside least in the beginning, he'll get into more of an independent routine as we go on...

all in all it's been a great start and i have a good feeling about this year...

moving right along last night the duke asked us what perverted meant...good lord can i tell you i am SO NOT READY for my children to age...i'm not prepared for the squeamish, grisly bits...

anyhow we asked where did you hear that, he said camp (earlier in the summer) and we tried to explain it to him the best, most efficient, straightforward way...

i am utterly certain he's more confused than ever.

then he said that he had asked his counselor what it meant his counselor said "that is an inappropriate question".

oh my god i was pissed!...don't tell a child a question is inappropriate!

sure, i can see where it would be dicey for the counselor and he could say something like it would inappropriate for him to answer that...or it would be more appropriate to ask your parents or something like that...

good lord the counselor's what, like 19? i know he probably doesn't know any better but that really pissed me off!'s part of his job to know better!

enough that i'm writing a letter to the camp shouldn't be shut down like that...questions should never be labeled...and that should just be common knowledge for those working with kids...

and furthermore, if the duke or any camper is asking what perverted means it should be the counselors job to get to the bottom of why the camper is asking...even if he chose not to define it, he should make it his business to get to the bottom of why it was being asked in the first place...

in this case the duke said some kids in his cabin said another kid was perverted, but he didn't know why...

so i'll send an e-mail, a very nice and diplomatic one, if only to make me feel better...i know lots of kids deal with worse, and to some it wouldn't be a big deal...and it's not a big deal, but something i think needs to be addressed...

i don't want any kid coddled, mine or otherwise...but a kid should never be discouraged from asking a question or trying to get more information...that's just a slippery slope all the way around...

all right moving right along, apparently wingman found the fingerless gloves and is wearing them paired with too small shorts and camouflaged socks pulled to his knees.

he's announcing he's ready for school.


time to go.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

slightly worn and used in that been around 36 years and bothered by humanity for most it kinda way.

so i was trolling an online site for a new/used desk.

i can't say why people continue to amaze me...but they do.

end table-$20

It is very burly and attractive for the family room.

because i like my home furnishings like i like my men, burly and attractive.

and along the same vein

white metal cabinet-$25

It has been referred to as both handsome and adorable.

by the way, both pieces, sold by different people, were equally ugly...and both people obviously are straddling that fine line between describing the things that want to sell and anthropomorphising their furniture...

maybe those ads are in the wrong spot...if you know what i mean.

moving right along...


yeah. okay, so even new furniture from ikea can barely be called mint.

oh don't get all defensive! future bookshelves are all coming from ikea!...i'm just sayin' is all!

an ad for an ugly coffee table with some odd attached basket had the following in its text

My fiancee's stupid cat did use it as a scratching post once or twice.

by the looks of the gouges either the "cat" is actually a lion, or it was more than "once or twice"...

and i'm no psychologist, but "my fiancees stupid cat" doesn't bode well one of the parties involved...and let's just say the cat probably has nothing to worry about.

staying in the table department


I'm not sure what kind of table this is, but it fits nicely next to my couch.

well, for starters, between you and me, it's an "ugly" kind of table...and what a weird description..."i don't remember his name, but we looked cute at the prom"...sure lady, it fits nicely next to your couch, but what about my couch, huh!...did you ever think of that!

i don't think she really wants to sell the ugly table...her fiancee probably wants her to.

green dresser-$75

nice deep droors

i don't even want to know.

and one of my absolute favorites

7 Foot Sofa-$100

Very comfortable and easy to get up from.

there's just. too. much. to work with here...this must be what stephen colbert feels like on a daily basis.

okay so i should be getting ready for camping and not sitting here making fun of people and their ugly furniture and weird descriptions.

it does make me wonder what the personals section looks like though.

on second thought, um, no it doesn't.



Tuesday, August 14, 2007

the kitty post.

okay, so i generally hesitate to write about my kitties because it's just a whole 'nother level of crazy.

and let's face it, no one cares about your cats. no one. except you.

at least people have to pretend to care about your kids.

not so with cats...and if you expect them to on a regular daily basis then you should really see someone about that...because they don't...and you can't make them.

but here's the deal...when you have six cats and you ever want to leave town you are going to have to pay someone to come in and care for them.

so that's what i'm in the middle of.

actually talking to perfect strangers on the phone negotiating a situation whereby i give them the key to my home and they come and go twice a day as they please.

they also scoop the poop and clean up the under the desk nightmares left by the incredibly high maintenance little black kitten and feed them and water them and pet them.

BUT, they have a key to my house.

and i'm not there!

for days on end!

that's just nuts!

oh, and i pay them too...

good lord.

anyhow, i know there are good people out there i know there are...there are...i've heard tale a time or two...

it's just that i operate comfortably on a level of jaded cynicalness so i think the worst and hope for the best...

but mostly think the worst.

and sure they're all licensed and bonded and all that but what does that really mean?

when the meth addict cousin (oh you KNOW there's a chance he exists!) and his scabies infested common law wife and their tribe of hopped up on mountain dew and pop rocks kids get a hold of that key what does licensed and bonded really mean?

seems like a high price to pay just so i can battle the mosquitoes, eat lukewarm food by crappy lantern light, and sleep on the ground.

but i'm a big girl. i'm open to change. to trust.



Monday, August 13, 2007

and she's off.

so i finally ventured out of the house with my laptop in my spanking brand new laptop backpack...i felt a bit like back to school with sillymortalmama!...but out i went...

and let me tell you, there is a whole big ol' exciting world out there!

not where i was, mind you, but somewhere! i'm almost certain of it!

see, where i went the coffee guy, some teenager, affected a british accent the. entire. time. i. was. there.

OMG!...yes, i just used txtspeak, but OMG!

it's bad enough when my kids do it, but when it's a perfect stranger?...he's got to be related to the boss or the boss doesn't care...which is far worse...lord, people are strange.

then, someone came in with a whole passel of kids...loud, whiny, crying kids and she was trying to reason with every single one of them...good god...she couldn't have been the mom...or else she is and she's fucked...

regardless, it was a very boisterous ten minutes...

then some woman tripped right outside the window i was sitting next to and the ambulance came all loud and sireny and a crowd formed...a loud, view blocking, light snuffing crowd...(she was fine)

the seats were too low, the tables too high, the cups were too small and lent to easy spillage, and i swear to god the guy behind me was reading my screen...

BUT, despite it all, i wrote more in one hour than i have since before wingman was born...

i daresay, good stuff too...and yes, i am being immodest but i don't took me so long to get here and to know i'm not a complete hack is a good feeling...

so, i'm on my way.

to what i don't know...but it's good to have started.


Thursday, August 09, 2007

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

wingman is just like his father.

in many ways, actually.

and in one way in particular.

yesterday morning wingman said

"i had one of those bright red apples with my breakfast"

"oh, i thought you didn't care for them?"

"no, i like them"

"but, you said yesterday they didn't taste very good?"

"i just can't stop eating them!"

and there you have it.

for the lord of the ring it was a leopard print cat suit and heels and the next thing you know he's squiring her around europe and paying for it, and for wingman it's a waxed within an inch of its life chemically enhanced deep red skin and the next thing you know he's chomping tasteless apples and liking them.

temptation my ass.

eve knew exactly what she was doing and the snake was just the fall guy.

and then there's adam.

poor sot never knew what hit him.


Wednesday, August 08, 2007

let's hope he remembers this little lesson when he's dating.

so wingman likes apples...we all do...all kinds of apples.

except for red delicious.

which are about as "delicious" as cardboard.

and because the goddess mother works as a small press hard cider maker we have a whole expanded outlook and appreciation of the apples available in this world...

and living where we do we have a lot of varieties to choose all the imports at our great market...i know, not local but available when others aren't, so there you have it...

in short, we do not buy or eat red delicious.

except the other day we were at the store and wingman's eye caught a charming basket enticingly tipped right at six year old eye level filled to the brim with ultra shiny and gleaming red delicious apples...and in that just right for a six year old's palm size...

and a sweet hand lettered sign that said crispy & sweet!

he was a goner...snow white never had it so bad.

"mama, let's get some red delicious apples"

"oh honey, remember there are other apples we like way better"

"i know, but they look sooo good...c'mon"

i know, it's all wax and lighting with these apples but he's hooked and there's a lesson here that won't involve sugar cereal, so there you have it...

"well, you're right, they do look good...if you're sure you may get a few"

"can i eat one on the way home?"

"sure, just wipe it real good on your shirt"

i know, not doing a bit of good in the cleaning department given the amount of wax and pesticides and handling but it makes me feel better and i figure he won't die, so there you have it...

so his little eyes are all lit up and he chooses four...and doesn't even say a word in the cereal aisle...

we get the groceries loaded and he's got his apple and not a minute after the first crunch i hear

"this apple isn't any good"

"oh, yeah?"

"yeah, the skin is crunchy but it has no flavor...well, it has a flavor, but it isn't very sweet...or good...and the inside is okay, but not very okay"

"well that's the deal with red delicious, they look so good but don't taste so good"

and he says with a little, slightly forlorn sigh

"'s like a trick"

indeed...and in so many more ways than your sweet little self can imagine.

and there you have it.


Monday, August 06, 2007

papa don't preach.

'cuz i'm keeping my babies.

yes, at the 11th hour i called mis! and let her know i just. couldn't. do. it.

the whole family loves those kitties and i just couldn't.

so we have 6 cats.

so it could be worse.

i guess.

anyhow moving right along, i still went on my trip, and i must post a retraction of my earlier statements regarding the dining habits of mis! and the georgia peach.

i stand corrected in a delightful way.

it turns out mis! hasn't done her tiny bottle trick in some time, and the georgia peach was all too willing to dine wherever...she drew the line at offal, but i was so not in the mood for "dirty food" either so that worked out quite nicely...

AND mis! has been to all the restaurants i have been wanting to go to! AND she orders 9 dollar glasses of wine like it's nobody's business!

when you've known someone over twenty years it's easy to forget that they actually grow over time and aren't exactly as you have them stuck in your head...that they are real live grown ups capable of acting like real live grownups...

until of course you ply them with drink and steep them in the lateness of the evening and learn things about them that you might just not have wanted to full and relishing detail...


anyhow, it was a lovely weekend filled with delicious food and drink and even more delightful company...and i got to sleep in and nobody yelled at me...

and now it's monday and back to school...and the reality that i indeed have 6 cats...cats who do love them some hunting...and have an endless supply with which to hone their skills...and open doors with which to more efficiently bring their catch to you...or to just bat it about in the kitchen for a bit.

yep, sounds just about right.


Friday, August 03, 2007

is it running away if you have to bring the rental car back?

so i know i made the joke earlier in the week about running away with my laptop and my case of wine...

but as it turns out hell has actually frozen over and i'm taking a weekend trip BY MY SELF!

see, the georgia peach is visiting mis! and mis! is adopting my two kitties soooo, it was decided it would be the best idea for me to go alone with the kitties...get them settled and hang out with good friends for some much needed *me* time...

and since the tuna can is in the shop having something done to it to distract it from the fact that it's twenty years old, we are down to the beast...

i can't leave the menfolk carless out here in the middle of nowhere so i'm renting a car...

betcher glad you have all those boring and tedious details, right?

anyhow, it will be good to drive for hours on end alone...well, the kitties will be with me one way, BUT since they can't talk to me about the 6 degrees of spongebob, or baseball, or legos or foodorharrypotterorrandomtvshowsor??? they will be welcome companionship...

driving alone does something for the soul.

except if you're on highway 50, the actual loneliest road in america, and you realize that you didn't stop for gas in the actual last town before the road begins and you only have a hundred dollar bill so even if there was another car in sight, which there isn't, or a gas station which you know won't break the hundred, which there's not, you'd have to pay an awful lot of money to get someone to give you some of their gas...and that's if you're lucky enough to come across another car, which you won't...hence the aptly named "lonliest road in america".

but, i digress.

in the meantime, i've promised my older sister a birthday meal at a salvadorian restaurant that i read about in the paper...we've both been dying to go and now we have our chance...the boybarians are coming too, so we'll fold in a trip to the zoo...should be fun and i'm always happy when i get to go to a restaurant i've been wanting to try...

and from what i gather, as long as i stay away from the beef foot soup, i'm golden.

there are a bunch of places i'd like to go in the big city that houses mis!, but they're more girl/boy places...or girl/girl or boy/boy, whatever configuration you're into...romantical kinda places...

well, except the hot dog joint where he cooks outside on the charcoal grill and they only have one kinda bun and one condiment 'cuz that's all you need...but i guess with the right person that could be romantic.

they're also expensive foodie kinda places...and considering the last time i talked to the georgia peach she was eating a seven layer burrito from taco bell and mis! actually refills airplane sized bottles with hooch and takes them in her purse so she doesn't spend too much on drinks, i doubt even if we were some sort of configuration that i'd be going to any of those places with either of those ladies ever.

but hey, as long as i don't have to eat at taco bell and mis! gives me a swig off her tiny bottle, i'm good...i'm just happy to be able to spend time with my good friends.

i do think we could pop into the home of the bacon topped maple bar, though...good times.

but, before i leave you for the frivolity that is my life, i just want you to know that this is the first post from my *mobile office*...

okay, so really i'm just in the dining room rather than at my desk BUT it's a start...

gotta love technology!

even if you have to wipe up milk puddles and soggy cereal remains to be able to use it.

enjoy your weekend!


Thursday, August 02, 2007

idiot is as idiot does...and it doesn't skip a generation.

we'll we're closing in on the first week of school being DONE!

it feels a bit like this photo of the duke...catching a ball but you've got to do it upside down and backwards.

so in other words, despite some snags here and there, things are going well...slightly plodding at times and as a result people are learning patience...not me mind you, because i'll ever be about as patient as amy winehouse at an open bar, but other people are...

the duke hit a snag with a latin assignment...thirty five words in latin and he had to find their counterparts in english in a word search...

okay, can i just say that, yeah, that would suck!

i didn't tell him that but i do believe he shared my sentiment as illustrated by the following statement

"this is tedious and time consuming and NOT FUN!"

the good news is he managed to finish with only one more hour of pissing and moaning, but it got done...

the thing is it's easy with no peers around to piss and moan...if he were in a classroom he wouldn't be stomping around like a whiny sir...he'd either do it or not but there wouldn't be a fuss...

i'm trying to figure out how to duplicate that fear of embarrassment and an honoring of the part of the social contract that bars individuals from making an ass of themselves in front of others here...and the only thing i've come up with is keep him on constant video record and threaten him with youtube...

and speaking of bad parenting...turns out it's magazine cover "shocking" that britney spears puts soda in her babies' bottles, lets them eat cheetos, and asks the older of the two to fetch her cigarettes by saying, "baby, where are mama's lollipops?"

i grew up around people like this in the neighborhood...people have been parenting like shit forever...why is this front page news?

we teach teenagers how to drive and how to take standardized tests, they can run websites and communicate using all manner of technology...what we should fold in to all of this is a more than one school year of parenting know, the basic the nuts and bolts from diapers to nutrition...and while they'd need more than that eventually, at least it's something...anything!

because if they don't learn it sometime they aren't gonna learn it at all...

people assume being a kid is being a kid...and no matter what they grow up with or eat they will eventually make the healthy right better choice when they are older...

but it doesn't work like that...and those britneys out there should know better, just like their parents should have known better, but they don' how do they expect their kids will?

and kids aren't getting pregnant any older or wiser these why not cut to the chase and stop pretending like it's not happening...grab the bull by the horns and say "look, if you must, then connect the dots and know that this might happen, and if this happens here are some tools"...again, it's not perfect but it's a start...

a + b = c

and like all the other math we're not teaching them, that basic equation and what to do with "c" when it arrives, as it does so often and 'accidentally', doesn't get taught either...

shit they ought to film my life for. just. one. day...then show it in high schools all over the reefer madness, or that weird creepy video they used to show in driver's ed...road rash or something like that...

i could all but guarantee teen pregnancy would drop dramatically...and not just teen pregnancy, but young adult pregnancy too!...

the teens/young adults would be gettin' all carefree and frisky and then BOOM! a day in the life of sillymortalmama, that old video from high school parenting class, would start playing in their head...which would kill that bit of unprotected nonsense but good!

scared straight by the mere possibility of boybarians.

we could even see a reversal, a slowing of population growth!

maybe that video camera/youtube idea will come in handy after all...

i'm willing to take one for the team if it slows the spread of idiocy nationwide.

bottom line is we need a much better educated populous...and we're not getting it...

in fact it's quite the opposite...and, we're actually advertising that fact all over the country and the world!


we think america is in trouble now?...ha!