Tuesday, August 31, 2004

when put into proper perspective, nothing seems shocking...

so last night the lord of the ring and i watched a fascinating documentary on this san francisco hippie drag queen group from the late 60's/early 70's , the cockettes...

it was highly entertaining...a troupe of truly unique and wholly avante garde (for their time) characters...

when it was over, the lord of the ring offered to get wingman quieted back down and to sleep with him to keep him from calling out for me if he woke up...this way, i could get some much needed sleep that maybe even perhaps would pan out to a full night of sleep...

so in sheer anticipation of really sleeping unrousted for as long as possible, i attempted to take the duke down to potty before the time i usually do...

we get to the bathroom and i realize he is fully asleep...i help him over to the toilet and run a little water in the sink thinking that will spur him awake to go pee then we can go to bed...

doesn't work, not only does he not have to pee (too soon after falling asleep) he is irritated and shouting at me, fully asleep mind you, that he does not have to pee and i need to just leave him alone...

i finally get the picture, he's not ready to pee now (which means i'll be up in an hour when he is) so i admit defeat and i say

"fine, let me help you back up to bed"

he shouts at me that he doesn't need help and a few other unintelligible things then, still fully asleep, he walks over to the bathtub, pulls down his pants, and very calmly and nonchalantly as if it is a normal every day occurrence he pees right on the bath mat...

then he says

"good night"

and i'm just standing there and i say back

"good night"

and that's that...like i didn't just get shouted at and then left with a pee soaked bath mat for my trouble...

yet, i am not in the least bit shocked... actually, i was somewhat relieved because i was thinking, well at least he peed...which brings me that much closer to a whole night's rest...

considering what some of those young men from the cockettes were doing whilst cavorting onstage in the name of free theatre and art, peeing on a bath mat doesn't seem so odd...even if it is my bath mat and my child doing the peeing...seems quite pedestrian, really...

well, as long as it doesn't become part of some sort of stage act in the future...

x.

Monday, August 30, 2004

field trippin'...

no school today because thanks to jeanbean we had free tickets to the aquarium...

can sea otters really get any cuter?...i mean, c'mon!...they are so cute it really hurts...one was taking a nap on his back clutching a green frisbee...i think i actually had heart palpatations with that one...the *awwwwww factor* was HIGH!...

and we saw something called a sea dragon, like a sea horse only totally tricked out...all flowy and mystical...the stevie nicks of the sea...absolutely magical and beautiful and amazing...

wingman was enthralled with the jelly fish that kept circling around in a big glass enclosed ring that went over your head and even underneath you...they even had different colored lights that would shine through the jelly fish...definitely rave material...definitely right up wingman's alley...


and if you've never seen a mandarin gobi, then baby y'a'int seen nothin'!...absolutely fabulously colored fish...

but what i really got from the whole trip was this...(other than my boys are like rockets in two different directions!)...i miss the big city...i miss the hustle and bustle and the proximity to cool and wonderful stuff for my boys to see and do...imagine the possibilities for school!...

sure, it's *do-able* as a day trip...but it's a big commitment of time and money to partake of the big city when you're this far out...

sigh...i pitched a penny to the urine smelling fountain on the waterfront and made a wish...i figured it was as good a place as any to let loose a dream...

just yesterday the lord of the ring reminded me how long ago we met in that same big city...in the car on the way to the ferry over i was telling the duke about the different neighborhoods, and reminding him of where he was born and lived...i'm sure in the back of his mind he wonders why it is we lived there, and yet we don't anymore, BUT papa commutes four hours a day back and forth...

i couldn't tell you kid, but if you figure it out could you let us know?...we've been having a bit of trouble with that one...

even wingman saw those big buildings from the ferry and said

"hey lote! (look) stystwapahs! (skyscrapers)"

what does he know from skyscrapers?...the tallest building we have out here is the play-place attached to the mcdonalds...

who knows...we love where we are and it is good to have this space...i get nervous with neighbors so close...

but, i can see a return to the other side of the pond as a eventual necessity, and a really good family move on our parts...it is the city the lord of the ring grew up in...the city we met and began a family in...the roots run deep...

deep enough to feel the pull so many years and miles away...

so i chased after the kids on the top deck of the ferry as it sailed away towards home and made another wish, this time i spread the words to the open water...(well, two wishes...the first being that i wished the boybarians would just take it down a FRIGGIN'! notch!)...(no such luck)

and while i know *home* is wherever the lord of the ring and i make it, i can't help feeling like i'd like to have a spin in the ruby slippers...dorothy may have been seeking an exodus back to kansas...but me?...i think i'd like to make my way back to the emerald city...

x.

Friday, August 27, 2004

porn pops, anyone?

this is what wingman calls a snack that is actually called "smart puffs"...sort of a hippie cheeto kinda thing that has a looooong way to go...

he can't say his s blend words, and uses a p instead...like smart is part, and smell is pell...

which is why i don't understand how they came to be "porn pops"...theoretically they should be "part puffs"...

that kid's been a mystery ever since he arrived...it could have something to do with the fact he came into this world the day bush was inaugurated...who knows...

just so you know how silly and mortal i can get, we have now added more bang for the buck to the "fry your brains out on t.v. fridays"...it seems that was not enough to get the party started...no sir!...one needs sustenance to keep up a continued and faithful vigil for hours on end in front of the t.v...for this, we have added DONUTS!!!...

yes folks, deep fried, jam filled, sugar coated donuts at 6:30 in the morning after we drop the lord of the ring off at the bus...which means a big ole cup of coffee for me...then another when i get home and get on the computer...

so by 7:30 on any given friday we are wired and whoozy (caffeine for me, sugar for the kids) and definitely on our way to what one might correctly describe as a *stupor*...well, and today as of a few minutes ago, porn pops got added to the mix...(which are not sugary or caffeine ridden, but something you aren't gonna find on the breakfast roster in many households)

yup, nothin' but good times here at the big red house...it's like a frat house the morning after...

dionysus would be proud, but WWJT?...(what would jesus think?)

;)

x.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

pass the sillymortalmama, please!

just wanted to pop in again today to draw your attention to the little envelope at the bottom of each day's blog by the comments section...

this enables you to pass this blog along via e-mail to whomever you think will get a kick out of it...they will then have continued full access, and will thank you for turning them on to such a wonderful piece of erudite and witty heaven, or never speak to you again for invading their computer(s) with the likes of me...

could go either way...nevertheless, the option is there...

x.

forgive me readers, for i have not slept...well, not as much as i'd like to anyway....

i woke up again last night...two hours this time...but it was somewhat productive in that i wasn't laying there thinking about grim and unfortunate events of my past, but rather about something i had read in my book (the singular pilgrim by rosemary mahoney)...i'll give you the passage...

she is visiting the sea of galilee a few days before christmas and makes the observation that it is a place largely deserted...certainly devoid of fellow pilgrims...

Why weren't seaplanes full of pilgrims landing on the lake? Why weren't they thronging the shore and storming the Church of Peter's Primacy, the way they did the Basilica of Saint Peter in Rome? Some months before, I had waited in a long line to go into Saint Peter's, and when I reached the entrance I was turned away by two men in dark suits because my skirt did not cover my knees. Conveniently, a woman nearby was selling sarongs expressly to solve this problem. I bought one and wrapped it around myself, so that I could go in and stare at the two million tons of polished marble that make up what must be the heaviest building in the world. I saw elaborately carved angels there, and saints and opulent tombs and chapels, but none of it had been proposed by Jesus. Saint Peter's basilica and it's throngs seemed to underscore the way the church itself, charged with representing Christ, actually overshadowed and obscured him.

which brings me to a bumper sticker i recently learned about...something to the effect of

i like jesus...it's his fan club i can do without

indeed...

as i get older i am far more open to the idea that i don't know shit...that life is out there and the smallish piece i have allowed myself is barely enough to sustain me...

there is so much i want to know, seek to feel, have to experience...i don't like the idea of religion but i love the idea of faith...that no matter what, there is something bigger that who i imagine myself to be...ideas that came before and paved the way...that i don't walk alone...and i can choose my faith, and have the faith to be chosen...

these were my thoughts last night as i lay awake...far less random than my previous late night thoughts had been...hopefully this does not signal a change that my body is accepting the idea of my waking each night...that i cannot handle...but there is something comforting in being able to let my mind wander without interruption...and enjoying where it chooses to go...

then i worked on my not very funny terribly un *pc* joke...that is NOT getting any better to be sure...but for some reason i am determined to see it through...the curse of the twisted...

off to fill another bag with crap...and no, that isn't a metaphor but rather what i will actually be doing...that, and thinking about my joke...i wonder if jesus would think it was funny...

x.

oh and by the way you will be happy (or disgusted) to know that in my decluttering of the back closet i came away with FOUR TRASH BAGS FULL OF STUFF!...i'm hooked!

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

every journey starts with a single step...well, 10,000 to be exact...

so thanks to the generosity of my dear friend jeanbean i've got a pedometer strapped to me...it's supposed to count the steps i take in a day...the goal is 10,000 steps a day on average to maintain weight and health...

they say the average amount a person walks on a daily basis is 3,000 steps...

the problem is this pedometer is at some points giving me twice as many steps as i have taken...does that count?...but hey maybe it's not a mistake...maybe there's just so much strength and energy in my daily stride that each step i take gets double the points!...wow!...i'm amazing!...chocolate cake for dinner and a six pack for desert!...

actually, i think i need a better quality pedometer...

this whole fitness *deal* lately is crazy...you can't go into a grocery store without realizing that every freakin' thing has been de-carbed!...and what about all the rest of what's out there?...you're supposed to count how many steps you take and reduce your daily food intake to points...

at this point i'd need twice as many steps as they say and half as many points as i'm allowed to reduce myself to the girl i used to be...

sounds like a lot of trouble...i think i'd rather exercise and eat a well-balanced, moderate diet...it's kept me healthy thus far, and with no numbers to keep track of it's definitely more enjoyable...

which brings me to my latest adventure in leaving the house...i heard tale of a pair of jeans that are supposed to make you long and lean...to sit at the right place on your waist to hold in the tummy and accentuate the bottom...

so of course i set out on the quest...just to look...perhaps to try on...

so i find these jeans, get an approximation of what may or may not be my size and head to the dressing room...i grab a shirt on the way for good measure...a sporty three-quarter length t-shirt in a wonderful blue...

so i'm getting into the jeans and i notice they are made of a *stretch* material...not like my famous stretchy pants, but rather made of denim...only stretchy...okay, can i say how much i dislike denim stretch?...i mean really dislike them...so by now they are up my body and buttoned on and i can honestly say they do not make me look long or lean...

have i shrunk?...as in am i shorter than i used to be?...because these jeans make me look about as long and lean as a bratwurst...and not one of those long jobbies meant to be eaten with peppers and onions...the kind that are wider than a hot dog, but short enough to fit on a store brand bun...

and they are boot cut...boot cut?...i don't own any boots...which basically makes them bell bottoms...i'm sorry, not the look for me...never was, never will be...i'm not saying i favor a flock of seagull pegged and rolled up leg, but i like my pants to be somewhere near my ankles and not covering my shoes...

at this point i decide to put on the shirt...and realize it's a boatneck...if you are not familiar with the boatneck cut of a shirt let me explain...it makes your neck look as big as a boat...

so i'm standing in the dressing room surveying the results and i am very very sweaty from the effort...the pants do slim the hips and hold everything in a bit more...but by doing so they create that up and over kinda thing...by slimming and holding in, the excess is pushed up and over the waistband...even on the back...i have a fat back?...no, but in these pants i do!...and the shirt just accentuates all the wrong things...sure, the effect of the boatneck does make my boobs look a bit bigger, but in the wrong just sitting there kind of way...and it's tight around the middle where the fleeing flab has found it's freedom...

it's not a good look...and i manage to wriggle out of the whole deal and pass it along to the next poor sucker...

i think the only thing that's going to make me look long and lean or any smaller than i am is a good diet and exercise...no amount of mathematical wizardry or futuristic fabrics in concealing cuts is gonna do it...

i'm just too simple for all of that...you sweat, you eat in moderation...you drink water and be good to yourself...

i have found the last part to be the hardest...the being good to myself...in the past two years i have fallen into a *thing* with my weight...never having been concerned with my weight at all during any part of my teenaged or young adult life, i am making up for it now...after two pregnancies with a 75 pound weight gain apiece, i now have an *issue* with my weight...and i am at times not good to myself about it...

but i'm gonna try...with the new exercise regimen i'm on, and the more moderate eating, i'm doing what i can on the physical realm...but now comes the hard part...the mental...because while it makes for a funny story, i don't like trying on clothes now...i don't like the way i look in the dressing room mirror, and i don't like that the clothes have to be much larger than they used to be...i don't like it, but as much as it does discourage me, i can't afford to buy into that discouragement...it's just too counterproductive...

so for now, i'm gonna continue using this pedometer because i'm curious about how many steps i take in day, and because i want to make sure i'm up and around as much as i should be on a daily basis...and i'll just keep on doing what i have been doing in terms of exercise and eating...

and, i'll measure my true progress not in numbers on jeans or machines or points for beans, but in how i feel...and right now i feel pretty good...not long and lean, yet...just taking steps towards great health and a pair of jeans that don't have to stretch...

right then, off to fill up a bag with clutter!...wish me luck, i'm going through the holiday decoration/party closet...and i still have hats in there from the duke's first birthday!...aack!...

i wonder how many steps it is to the trash can?

x.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

it's finally happened...

i am officially a soccer mom...

the duke started soccer yesterday...this is his first try with this, and he is very excited and looking forward to the season...

of course i approach all organized activities that involve other people and their children with some reticence and dread, but i think this will be fun and good for him...

it does mean giving up his chess club as they are on the same night, but hopefully he will be able to resume with chess when the season's over...

the sleeping thing has gotten a bit more under control...a few nights this weekend i slept all night, and last night i was only awake a half an hour between 3:30 and 4...

an improvement to say the least...there is simply nothing worse than being forced to go through a day with little to no sleep...i know why it's such a useful tool for torture...

so, hopefully this will signal a return to the blog...i've missed getting the crap that's in my head out to y'all...it's too crowded in my narrow little brain for what i have the nerve to store in it...

speaking of which, i have GOT TO DE-CLUTTER THIS HOUSE!...

i mean, it's not sanford and son or anything but it is getting close...the thing is, i just don't have the energy...to go through boxes and bags and closets...i think we've discussed this before...the fact that i just have too much stuff...but it has to go...it just does...

i haven't yet come up with a plan (hello procrastination my old friend) but i think it will involve nerves of steel and a box of garbage bags...not only am i not looking forward to doing it, but i have the tendency to keep pure crap...and i am too self-conscious to have someone else help me...so it comes down to me vs. the crap...

man, just thinking about it makes me tired and slightly nauseated...

things have been just going right along here...we are in a kinda rhythm with school, etc...some days i really relish the routine and predictability...other days i wish i was in a more urban environment wherein i could get the kids and leave from my front door just to be out in the hustle and bustle of it all...

for now, i'm just happy enough to have the rest and energy to chat with all of you...

x.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

are you sleeping, are you sleeping?

okay, so i've been MIA due to a continued bout of insomnia...

the situation is just too grim...but i will give you the basics...

i wake up at 1 am and don't go back to sleep for one to two hours...on a good night...

that's been happening fairly consistently for the past few months...but starting last friday (the 13th) it's gotten progressively worse...like friday i was awake from 1 am to 3...saturday till 4...and sunday night i got up at 12:55 pm and never made it back to sleep...

well, that's not entirely true...in the very early hours i was in wingman's bed thinking about god knows what, still awake, when i hear the lord of the ring get up for work...so it had to be between 5 and 5:05 am...that's the last i remember when i finally, FINALLY felt my body sink into the mattress and this wonderful rush of relaxation come over me...I FELL ASLEEP...

then i awoke to the following sound coming from the direction of the duke's bed

"unghhh...cccckkkk..."

i sat bolt up in time to find the duke lumbering towards me with a face and hand full of blood!...apparently he awoke with a bloody nose...

so i jump up and get him downstairs...we get to the bathroom and as i am wetting a washcloth and seating him on the toilet i notice the time

5:12 am

good morning!...you have now officially begun your day with a grand total of SEVEN MINUTES OF SLEEP!...

okay, so i was so exhausted i went to bed on monday night and slept all night...but i didn't last night...

and since i had been awake so long the past few nights i had already berated myself for all that is not getting done, re-hashed every mistake i ever made, every person i hurt, every bad idea i ever had that i didn't have anything left...so i started in on worrying about other people's mistakes, problems, issues...

sigh...

i'll figure it out, but in the meantime i am on a temporary hiatus until i do...

oh, and i figure you might be wondering why it is i don't use those hours i am WIDE AWAKE WITH NO HOPE OF EVER SLEEPING AGAIN to actually accomplish something...like say i don't know, blogging?...

i am afraid of the dark...and where the computer is is noooooo place i am going in the middle of the night...in fact, it's very difficult even for me to sit in the living room with every light blazing in the middle of the night...so i lie in bed and think dark thoughts and do a lot of tossing and turning...

oh, and also in case you are wondering, i do try those *go to sleep* tricks...there are a million of them and none of them work...for instance, my mind is wandering too much to focus on *saying good night* to each of my body parts that by the time i get to my stomach i have wandered into a different territory all together...like last night i spent a great deal of time wondering how celebrities get their limos and drivers to come pick them up after a big awards show?...like do they stand in a line?...or just mill about in an unruly crowd?...and when the driver reaches the curb is their name is called?...but what if they are lingering somewhere else and don't hear?...do they have to wait that much longer?...and where do the drivers park?...

and counting sheep is just impossible because if you saw the sheep i have grazing my pastures you certainly wouldn't want them leaping over your head in the middle of the night...and if i do manage to get past my in real life sheep and am able to conjure up imaginary sheep, then i find it necessary to attach personalities to them as they leap over my head...which adds a depth of insanity to the whole process that further insures i will remain awake...

so there you have it...

be good while i'm gone and dream a little dream for me...

x.


Friday, August 13, 2004

friday the 13th!

no black cats (yet) but i did just have the following exchange with wingman while we were sitting on the couch frying our brains on t.v...

"why ah you ah hat (have, like currently) a baby in your tummy?"

"i don't"

"well, it lotes(looks) lite it"

i wish y'all a wonderful friday the 13th, and may your paths remain clear of black cats and mouthy preschoolers...

x.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

thank god it's thursday...

first of all, just to mix things up a bit around here, the duke came in to my room at the same ungodly hour this morning and asked

"can wingman watch t.v."

then i heard wingman, who has previously not participated in this pre-dawn fun, ask

"can i have a popsicle?"

good morning...

then, during spelling, wingman and i came back into the room and the duke of fun was doing a kinda of a broadway dance/soft shoe complete with cane (well, he was using his pencil as a cane)

"um, what are you doing"

"dancing like the fish in my book"

and i look down and in his spelling workbook there is indeed and fish with a top hat and a cane next to the scrambled words exercise...

what's scarier is that he was really good at the dancing and was enjoying it quite a bit...sigh, am i going to have to add tap and jazz dance to chess club and stamp collecting?...this kid will never get a date!...

then during math he says

"wow...this sure went easier than that math fiasco from yesterday"

okay...he used the word "fiasco"....which is bad enough...but yesterday i was trying to explain double digit multiplication...he did the problem and when i saw the work and the answer it was really really weird and really wrong...

"what happened here?...where did you get lost"

"i didn't get lost...this is how you showed me to do it"

indeed...i had shown him the WRONG way to do it...a way that could have only sprung from my math phobic brain...a way that took 14x16 and yielded BY MY INSTRUCTION an answer of 1484...which was right BY MY INSTRUCTION, but is in no way close to the actual right answer...which is 224, by the way...

then i spent the next 20 minutes trying to figure out how i did it so wrong, and the right way to do it...

which is embarrassing...very embarrassing...but we worked through it and figured it out...and considering i try to make it a point to let the duke know that i don't know everything, that nobody does, this ended up being a good lesson in action...embarrassing nonetheless...

but don't worry, his actual math curriculum will be started in september...and no, i didn't come up with it, i am ordering it from a highly respectable company...there is hope yet...

and actually we made good progress on it today...he now knows how to do it the right way, and, um, so do i...

then we get to grammar...wherein we were learning about state of being verbs being used as linking verbs...and the duke said

"hey, we did this the other day"

"when?"

"when you told me about dropping a state of being verb and it sounding like a toddler or how a person just learning a new language sounds"

"i remember that...but we were talking about state of being verbs...and now we are talking about them being used as linking verbs...that's probably why it sounds familiar"

"no mama, it's familiar because we did it already"

then i looked at my book and my paper and the exercise and realized that he was right...i had taught him state of being verbs being used as linking verbs just the few days before...only i had taught them as state of being verbs only...which is okay because they are all the same words being used in two different ways, but which is technically wrong...

then we read some of the canterbury tales and had a discussion about death...and how it is portrayed in movies and literature, and how chaucer portrayed it differently than how you usually see it...

and although it was a very insightful conversation and the duke really did grasp the concept and was able to expand on it, i did think to myself at one point that if anyone asked the duke what he was learning in school there would be a very good chance they'd get the following response

"we learned about death, and that 14x16 is 1484, and that foreigners sound like toddlers!"

all of which makes me glad that our school week ends TODAY!...

one more day and i fear i might just be compelled by the apparently large amount of misinformation in my brain to convince the poor kid that the world is flat!...

apparently i should have made that pilgrimage to finish college...

x.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

pilgrim's progress...

when i go to the library my preferred method of choosing books is to go to the new titles and start grabbing...there really is no rhyme or reason, just take a book that catches my eye...and i have had some really great luck this way...some stinkers, too...but when you read as much as i do, even stinkers come in handy...

the book i am reading now came to me in such a manner...called the singular pilgrim by rosemary mahoney...it is an account of the author's exploration and participation in six sacred pilgrimages and the pilgrims who make them...it is very, very good...so far i have been to walsingham, england for the anglican national pilgrimage to the shrine to the virgin mary and to the holy baths and shrine in lourdes, france...

what makes the fact that this book came to me in such a way right now even more interesting is that the duke and i are currently reading chaucer's canterbury tales...a book that is as much about the journey as it is about the people making it...and like the characters in canterbury tales, mahoney encounters many a colorful character on her own journeys...

all this has got me thinking about my own pilgrimage...or rather, if i could make a pilgrimage, where would i go?...what is it that i am called to see?...

and you know what, i don't really know...sure, there are places i've always wanted see...i'd love to go to ireland...and have longed to go to alaska for as long as i can remember...to witness denali, the inside passage, and to sleep under an alaskan moon...

i've also a great interest in visiting more than a few shrines the world over dedicated to the virgin mary and to guadalupe...but even though each of these trips or places would have their own spirit and indeed touch me deeply, i think for me any one of these trips would be less because i felt the need to make a "pilgrimage" there...and more because of deep interest and the desire to see those places...

the dictionary defines pilgrimage as "the journey of a pilgrim...especially one to a shrine or sacred place" ...

well, that does put it into perspective...because even though i would LOVE to travel to a little town in italy i read about awhile ago that has a particularly interesting shrine to the virgin mary, it would be a journey made of interest...and even though the destination is one of religious nature, it still, for me, would not be a pilgrimage...no less moving, but a pilgrimage?...

i think it needs to be even more personal...to touch a place that is so far ingrained that it is of more than just interest...however deep...

because what i consider to be shrines and sacred places have everything to do with my spirit, not interest...that it's less about a *place* and more about where i am *at*...i look to the sacred being all around me...to know that i can honor the sacred and find peace and providence whenever and wherever i need to...

which does not, however, make any less important and necessary the desire to make a journey to honor, worship, meditate, be blessed, or be healed by a particular piece of sacred ground...or by what may rest atop that sacred ground...in whatever form that pilgrimage comes...actually, by that reasoning, i have made a pilgrimage many, many times...

some of my most spiritually rewarding journeys have come in the form of backpacking...especially in the sierra nevadas...oh, it has been a long time...the last time i actually went backpacking was when i was very very newly pregnant with the duke...eight years ago this month, in fact...point reyes...what a beautiful place...

but the sierras...ah, now there is majesty...there is a shrine as sacred as any...i need only to close my eyes and i can feel the slightly damp weight on my back, the distinct crunch of granite under my feet, and the sweet damp smell of a sun-dappled forest...i can transport myself there in an instant...and when i am there it is divine providence...and absolute assurance that my life here on earth means something...that i am truly blessed and truly humbled to just to be able to witness a mountain's majesty...

and i have to say it was never about the destination...while setting a pack down and setting a camp up is sweet reward, it just never matched with the actual journey there...the one foot in front of the other, lost in thought or quiet conversation, movement...

it was my first introduction to a kind of meditation...the idea that even while you are moving you can be still...that kernel of quiet spirit growing and spreading to all points in your body...i suppose it is what they mean when they say "at one with nature"...only i always look at the nature as being me...that the hills and valleys and vast plains of my soul are smoothed and made fluid...that all the parts that make me up begin to work together...there is no opposition, no question...i just am...

and i guess that's the mark of a true pilgrimage...a journey in whatever form that gives one the feeling that they just are...a journey that reveals and/or validates an internal sacred ground...

so i suppose if offered the opportunity to make a pilgrimage i would choose a backpacking trip in the sierras...a pilgrimage made many times before, and one i would be honored to make again...a pilgrimage that is just about the movement, and the possibility that movement brings...a pilgrimage that renews my spirit and nourishes my soul...

and if i can't make it back anytime soon, or ever, that's okay too...because it's just as true as it may be trite, wherever you go there you are...and i am always right where i need to be...

and interestingly yet not so surprisingly enough, the second definition of pilgrimage in the dictionary is "the course of life on earth" ...

indeed...

x.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

tuesday is basically monday, only a day later...

there is something funky on my keyboard...and lots of ants have been hanging out by the computer all morning...

i have a feeling that a seven year old boy and a popsicle are behind this...if i could just get my damn pinky from sticking!...somewhere by the "p" and the semicolon key there is stickiness i just can't get at...

today isn't going that much better than yesterday...i think i may have narrowed down the source of the trouble...and it doesn't have anything to do with the day of the week...

i have decided to put a BIG sign over my bed that reads as follows

you are not allowed to wake me up to ask the following

can i play on the computer?
can i watch t.v.?
can i have a treat?

seriously, the duke of fun wakes me up EVERY DAY asking me one or ALL of those!...there is never sugar in the morning, and he knows that there is no t.v. or computer before school!...and yet, like clockwork here he comes at some ungodly hour badgering me for the impossible...i am beginning to think that the all night back and forth between wingman's bed and my own, and the early morning pleas from the duke may simply make it impossible to start the day off on the right foot...

and to think, word on the street is that one day i'm actually going to miss them after they've moved out...

thank goodness school continues to go well...wingman is writing his name and is enjoying being at the table with us...i am enjoying his progress and seeing the benefits of our work...

the duke continues to insist that even when you are just being, you are still doing...i think the point has been made as best it can, and we are now moving on to *linking* verbs...i can't wait to see what my little philosopher has to say about the fact that you can use *state of being* verbs as *linking* verbs!...i'm definately gonna need better sleep and stronger coffee for that lesson...

it's been hot here so we've been hanging outside by the blowup pool and trying to stay cool...which basically translates to me screaming at the duke every time he *accidentally* splashes a fully clothed wingman(who just simply will not get in the pool), and explaining for the millionth time to wingman what sunscreen does and why it is absolutely necessary even though he doesn't like it...

apparently he would very much like a sunscreen that smells like oranges...

at least he didn't suggest he would very much like a sunscreen that smells like "boobies"...don't ask...

as a result of the heat, it is distinctly unfavorable weather for exercising...which is fine because it's too damned hot to eat anyway!...and besides, i can only work on achieving "high round assets" a few days a week...any more than that and i fear i will pull something i may actually rely on for mobility...

so off i go to a waiting popsicle and a blow up pool...

no, it isn't a glamorous life, but it's mine...and you certainly can't beat it for entertainment value...

x.

Monday, August 09, 2004

the particular charm of a monday morning...

i don't know if it's just because it's monday, but by the time i had been up for an hour i had;

stepped in a very squishy pile of cat throw-up
changed an equally squishy diaper
lanced, drained, and cleaned the duke's infected toe

then i broke up a fight, cajoled unwilling limbs and uncooperative offspring into clothing, and began the school day...which consisted of many things including spending twenty minutes trying to figure out how to help the duke multiply 3/4 by 18 and then trying to explain a "state of being verb"...

and yes, we had another of our quickly becoming infamous grammar discussions...because after explaining what a state of being verb is, i thought it was actually going well until the duke said

"but even if you are just sitting, you are still sitting...you aren't just being...doing nothing"

"um, yeah, but...hmm...okay, maybe this will help...here is an example sentence...pick out the state of being verb"

so then i read

"The boy is."

"how is that a sentence?"

indeed...

i finally explained it in the following manner, going over what i already had, and adding in what i thought might spark it for him...(just in case the rest of y'all need to know...lord knows i do!)

"the state of being verbs include am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been...and rather than show an action, they show that you just are"

to which i add, very quickly before he jumps in with another one of his philosophical arguments on the matter, the following information

"state of being verbs are most often *dropped* by toddlers and those just learning a new language"

then i give the following examples

"i tired"

"she sad"

"we go to grandma's"

"you willing to act as a witness?"

"it not mine...i just holding it for a friend"

then i explain

"they all sound kinda funny, huh?...but if i add the state of being verbs, then they sound "right" and they make a complete sentence...and show how somebody is rather than what they are doing...their state rather than their action...i am tired...she is sad...we are going to grandma's...are you willing to act as a witness?...it is not mine...i am just holding it for a friend..."

okay okay okay, i added the last two for your benefit, dear readers... but you get the picture...and don't tell me if my explanation isn't exactly spot on because by the time we were done the duke had gotten it, and my "state of being" could be described with a few choice adjectives...

and we won't be repeating the lesson...because the duke really did get it and has been checking wingman's speech for missing state of being verbs ever since...

so it's nearly two and i'm waiting for the day to show me a little improvement...to show me the love, as it were...

but, (or should i say "butt") unfortunately it's time to exercise...and on this day's docket of pain in muscles that i didn't know existed and shameful attempts at fitness while wingman and the duke watch with undisguised hilarity, i am scheduled for a lovely little tape called "high, round assets"...i kid you not...that's the real name...

alas, i am off to see if the advertising is true...wish me and my southbound, squishy assets good luck...

but i will leave you with the following...

E disposto a far da testimone?

that's "are you willing to act as a witness" in italian...just in case...

but if you get caught "holding" for a friend, i doubt knowing the proper phrase is gonna help you all that much...and i bet they wouldn't give a rat's ass if you dropped your state of being verb...

i going now...you good while i gone...

x.

oh lil' sis's baby shower was just lovely...she is radiant and glowing and lives in a recently purchased and very beautiful home that is just filled to the brim at once with inspired color, calm and zen like charm, and lots and lots of love...she is truly blessed and deserves every bit of it...

Friday, August 06, 2004

catering by sillymortalmama...

this friday finds me busily preparing for the baby shower i am hosting for lil' sis tomorrow...

and after much thought on the matter i have decided to abandon the classic bundt cake frosted pink with a plastic baby doll head stuck in the center to mimic a baby coming through the cervix...

sigh...so many good ideas, so few places to use them...so i'm off to find another dessert to fill the spot...

y'all be good while i'm gone...and remember to keep that nickel 'tween your knees lest you find yourself in need of a baby shower catered by me...you just never know what you'll get...

x.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

life around here...

is just downright odd sometimes...and sometimes it's just downright normal...

depends on the day...

today is just a normal day...i think...i'll let you know how it all pans out...so far, the 100 year old neighbor came to ask me to pick up his mail, then came back under the auspices of bringing me something from his wife's garden, but judging from the look on his face and where his eyes traveled, he was probably over again just to check to see if i put on a bra yet...and much to his delight, i'm sure, i had not...

oh, and wingman said my feet smell like brownies...

we have completed the first week of a brand new school year...

wingman can almost write his whole name and i have a science experiment involving the intentional growing of mold in my kitchen cabinet...

the duke has informed me he would like to learn how to fence and collect stamps...this along with homeschooling and chess club should make him an instant hit with the ladies...

on the heels of a "how lucky are we" evening with the lord of the ring, i have to say i am lucky...

lucky in my life in so many ways, but especially lucky to be doing what i want...and, despite the shrieking you may hear when calling my house, being home with these boys is just about the best...it really is...

sure, i complain and gritch...who wouldn't! (plus there's way more comedic value in complaining than gushing)...but in all honesty, i wouldn't have it any other way...

it's funny, by taking on the added responsibility and time commitment that attachment parenting and homeschooling and the like brings, i have actually freed up myself...no longer do i have this anxiety about *what i'm doing* or *where i'm at*...because i'm doing it...and i'm enjoying it...well, hell, i could do without the constant housework!...but you get the idea...

and it's not an excuse not to be in the *real world* (will someone PLEASE tell me what that is!)...it's just a conscious decision to be here...and to enjoy what the day brings...

bah, this is becoming more *journal entry* than i would like so i will cut it short...well, shorter...

but before i go i will leave you with this little tidbit on just how good life around here is...

yesterday for our anniversary, the lord of the ring came home with this ridiculously awful card for me...i mean big and pinky purple ribbony violins dressed in bows awful...and if you only knew what the golden words so artfully scripted throughout said!...it's the kind of card you call friends just to read it aloud to!...really, that bad...

and we are laughing at the card and the lord of the ring explains that all the cards to choose from were really really bad...so what does he do?...

"i figured i would choose the worst of the lot...because i knew you would like it the best"

and there you have it...it is very simple, but speaks volumes...to have someone beside you who knows you so well, who knows that it truly is the little things, then what more could you want?...a couple of healthy kids, some good friends, family...what more could you possibly want???...

the lord of the ring standing in a store and deliberately choosing that card for me based only on it's horribleness and the happiness that horribleness would bring me, is a far bigger statement of his love for me and a far better present than anything else he could have brought me...because more than a present, that card was a gift...

the gift of true love...the gift of knowing that yea, this is it...who i truly am is truly known and *gotten* by another...that the leap made so long ago wasn't such a leap...that we knew it all along...

so, dear readers, on this day i wish for you all the best...may your love be true and your endings be happy...and if it just isn't happening, move on and make up the ending yourself...

because when push comes to shove, the horse lying more lifeless than before, and hell starts freezing over just about the time the camel takes a dive, all the shit that can and does happen between first kisses and last rites, all you've really got is you...and if you don't love yourself and better yet, like yourself, then it's all for naught...

trust me on this...i've been to hell in a handbasket more times than i care to think about...and the only reason this trip is so fabulous, no hot spots in sight, is because i finally learned that a pilgrimage doesn't have to have a destination, only intent...and that you may not know where you are going until you get there...and that's okay...sometimes even preferable...

and, after all these years i have finally learned how to choose my traveling companions...and realized that in the end, half the journey was in learning how to travel with myself...

x.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

happy anniversary baby, i got you on my mind!

i'll admit it, i did used to quite enjoy the little river band...

but i digress...

happy anniversary to my fabulous and wonderful and amazing husband!

today the lord of the ring and i mark yet another year in this continuing journey we call marriage...

older and wiser we have become, and yet no less in love...actually, more so each day...

i owe it all to the fact that we continue to be friends, continue to communicate, and out of sheer necessity as we need to band together in the face of the boybarians!...no easy feat, you must understand...

the fact that the lord of the ring is such an amazing man has much to do with it as well...

in fact, this morning while pawing through papers to find something for the duke i came across this

august 1998

blessed is the lord of the ring, do-er of deeds
dad of all trades
my love
i am blessed with this man
i am blessed with this love


and on the same page i also wrote

like he says: if it is, it is...if it's not, thank god!

a motto i daresay has carried us farther than we could have possibly dreamed!...

i am amazed by my husband's optimism and willingness to put it all out there...to keep going even when others would have stopped...i am amazed by what he has accomplished and what he will continue to accomplish in the future...i am amazed he so good naturedly goes along with finding himself, more often than not, at the short end of my schtick...

i am so grateful that he has always encouraged me to be myself, and to do what i need...that he is so giving has allowed me to explore my needs and my wants and my options and has played a huge part in my becoming the person i always wanted to be...

he has made a rocky road more level and rewarding than i could ever imagine...and he has supported me every step of the way...with a strong and steady hand and a willing and loving heart...

but honestly, i am not at all amazed that we ended up together and continue to be happy...not one bit...

even though once upon a time he dumped me and took a horrible and truly undeserving woman (who was given to wearing heels leopard print catsuits, i might add) on an all expense paid trip to europe...

but again, i digress...

i love you my fabulous husband...i am honored and humbled by our connection...i am blessed by our many years together...and i look forward to all of the years to come...

x.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

peanut butter and honey sandwiches; the new gateway drug?

last friday around lunch time i asked wingman if he would like to make his own peanut butter and honey sandwich...

he has done this before when the duke was making a sandwich...so he can do it...it's not a pretty sandwich, but it is edible, and he does know enough to keep the honey knife out of the peanut butter and the peanut butter knife out of the honey...

so i get out the bread and the two butter knives and the plates and the peanut butter and the honey...i call to the duke to come and make a sandwich if he wants one...

then i tell wingman to call if he needs me, i'll just be in the next room...

now, i can count on them both making a sandwich, and then most likely making another...most likely, i suspect, just for the pure pleasure of making a sandwich...occasionally they will want to make one for me, or the duke will make his famous triple decker honey sandwich...but that's as wild as it gets...

so awhile later, wingman comes wandering into the livingroom...he stops right in front of me and says

"my bewy hurts...i ate too many pbutter an honey samwiches and dwank too much water"

"oh, that's terrible honey...here, why don't you sit here on the couch with a book until your belly stops hurting"

"otay"

so he grabs his book and settles on the couch...i go out to clean up the sandwich stuff and when i grab the bread bag i notice that HALF OF THE LOAF IS GONE!...

this was a brand new loaf of bread and they ate half of it!!!...now my children love to eat, and wingman is a consummate grazer, but half a loaf!?!...then i thought maybe they had just been sloppy and dropped some on the floor...but right then i noticed there was a pile of crusts on the plate, and realized that a fair amount of sandwiches had been made and that same amount had indeed been eaten...

i go into the livingroom to ask wingman exactly how many sandwiches he had eaten, but there he was passed out!...in about three minutes he was sound asleep and drooling...

the duke was on the computer which means of course he wouldn't be able to hear me ask a question even if i put a bull horn to his ear and shouted...

and in the usual falderol of friday i dropped the matter...

so i waited until the next morning at breakfast to bring it up...

"hey guys, exactly how many peanut butter and honey sandwiches did you eat yesterday?"

the duke answers

"i only had two"

hmm...if the duke had two then wingman must have had the rest!...so i ask wingman

"how many peanut butter and honey sandwiches did you have?"

"too many"

and he says this with a weary, knowing air...like someone who has seen the darker side of overindulgence and is happy to have made it back...

no wonder he passed out after eating the day before!...with as much bread as he must've consumed, i would have passed out too!...and then to add all that water on top of it!...ugg...

later that afternoon wingman and i went to a birthday party of a little friend of his...for party food before the cake and ice cream extravaganza there was a fruit platter and assorted cold cuts and cheeses with rolls and condiments and the like...

so we are surveying our choices and i ask wingman if he wants some of the fruit and a few pieces of cheese and meat...he looks at his choices and then he looks at me and asks

"can i have a pbutter an honey samwich?"

my little robert downey jr...

sigh...some people just never learn...

x.

Monday, August 02, 2004

learning 101...

so we started school today...and for the most part, it went fairly smoothly...

the duke did not in fact lose all knowledge gained last year, and wingman for the most part was no trouble...he practiced his "h's", we sang itsy bitsy spider and did some counting...then he started making a very high pitched and annoying sound which quickly got him dispatched to the television...

there were a couple of parts of the day that gave me pause, however...

the first was in math...the duke was doing some word problems involving three digit numbers...he was to show his work then transfer the answer to the worksheet...i was checking his work and it all looked good until i got to the last problem...which was right, but did not have any *work* to show for it...

"um, you got this last one right, but where is the work you did for it?"

"well, i started to do it, then realized that i was using the wrong number to subtract from...so i crossed out the problem and started over"

i looked at the work page and saw that indeed he had started the problem, and then crossed it out...

"well, i see that...but i don't see any work for the problem...how did you get the answer?"

i am actually not as perplexed as i seemed...unfortunately given my cynical nature, my brain was thinking *calculator*...i mean the duke is not a cheater, and in fact the calculator was nowhere to be seen, but still?...those numbers were big!...and if he didn't do the problem, how did he get the answer?...figure it out in his head?...right...

"i figured it out in my head"

oh...hmm...still *checking* i ask

"well, how did you do that?"

he looks at me like i am as dumb as a post...(quickly becoming a staple around here i might add)

"i just looked at the numbers and subtracted them in my head"

"but why?...why didn't you work it out on the page?"

by now he is eyeing me with suspicion...probably he's wondering if i am actually qualified to be teaching him math and is it too late to sign up for public school...then he sighs...

"i ran out of room on the paper...plus, sometimes it's just faster and easier to do it in my head"

indeed...

this year is going to be interesting...

i don't know why i assumed he used a calculator...i mean he never has before for schoolwork...i suppose it all comes of my getting used to trusting in his abilities...

the second part of the day came when we were reviewing the definition of a noun...a noun is a person, place, thing, or idea...and specifically we were reviewing the idea portion of the definition...(by the way, an idea is something that you can think about or feel, but not touch or see)...

so i gave him some example sentences...

"Happiness can be shared. A caged bird has no freedom. Sadness makes me want to cry...okay, now you give me an example sentence using an *idea* noun"

"I am sad when I lose a toy."

pause...hmm...then i say

"i don't think that's an *idea* noun"

"but i feel it, and think about it...and i can't see it"

which again, stumped me...hmm...he's right, technically...but i don't think he's right in terms of this excercise...then i start saying

"i mean, you're right...you can't see or touch sad...but i don't think it can be a noun...maybe it's a describing noun...what a minute, there's no such thing...but it's not a describing verb?...*am* is, but not sad...it's an adjective"

"but being sad is doing something"

double hmm...to which i say

"right, but it's an adjective...but that's weird because it is more of doing something that just describing something, huh?...even though it is describing the noun *i*, it seems like MORE than just a describing word...being sad?...doesn't it seem so?"

to which the duke says

"maybe you can read up in the grammar book and figure that out and get back to me...can we be done with school now?"

so there you have it...our first day...and judging from how it went, the duke thinks i cannot understand the concept of doing math in one's head and thinks i need more review on parts of speech...(he is so right about that!...and by the way, that grammar lesson WILL be repeated tomorrow!)...

the thing is, even though i can and do question and get stumped by simple grammar rules and the like, i still like the idea that the duke can see that i don't know everything (poor kid, if he only knew!)...that teachers in general don't know everything, and that there is still room for learning new ideas and re-learning old ones...that it's a process, this learning thing...and that it really doesn't ever end...

and i truly appreciate the process of learning along with the duke...it's one of the reasons homeschooling is so enjoyable for me...and ultimately my children...that education in any form is not about what you don't know, but rather what you are willing to learn...and that it is a journey...and like every great journey, it's less about how *much* or how *far*, and more about the process that takes us there...

and my ultimate goal is not to see how smart i can look in front of the duke and wingman, or how much information i can get them to spout back to me, but rather to share in the learning process with them...if i can continue to do that, then it will continue to be a fine trip indeed...

but the duke is right, maybe reading ahead sometimes wouldn't be such a bad idea...

x.

last night i had a wonderful dinner and evening out with my dear friend missM...a belated birthday celebration dinner and drinks and coffee and dessert...thank you missM for the gift of an evening of girlie gab and gluttony...too rare for this sillymortalmama, and much much appreciated...