i woke up again last night...two hours this time...but it was somewhat productive in that i wasn't laying there thinking about grim and unfortunate events of my past, but rather about something i had read in my book (the singular pilgrim by rosemary mahoney)...i'll give you the passage...
she is visiting the sea of galilee a few days before christmas and makes the observation that it is a place largely deserted...certainly devoid of fellow pilgrims...
Why weren't seaplanes full of pilgrims landing on the lake? Why weren't they thronging the shore and storming the Church of Peter's Primacy, the way they did the Basilica of Saint Peter in Rome? Some months before, I had waited in a long line to go into Saint Peter's, and when I reached the entrance I was turned away by two men in dark suits because my skirt did not cover my knees. Conveniently, a woman nearby was selling sarongs expressly to solve this problem. I bought one and wrapped it around myself, so that I could go in and stare at the two million tons of polished marble that make up what must be the heaviest building in the world. I saw elaborately carved angels there, and saints and opulent tombs and chapels, but none of it had been proposed by Jesus. Saint Peter's basilica and it's throngs seemed to underscore the way the church itself, charged with representing Christ, actually overshadowed and obscured him.
which brings me to a bumper sticker i recently learned about...something to the effect of
i like jesus...it's his fan club i can do without
indeed...
as i get older i am far more open to the idea that i don't know shit...that life is out there and the smallish piece i have allowed myself is barely enough to sustain me...
there is so much i want to know, seek to feel, have to experience...i don't like the idea of religion but i love the idea of faith...that no matter what, there is something bigger that who i imagine myself to be...ideas that came before and paved the way...that i don't walk alone...and i can choose my faith, and have the faith to be chosen...
these were my thoughts last night as i lay awake...far less random than my previous late night thoughts had been...hopefully this does not signal a change that my body is accepting the idea of my waking each night...that i cannot handle...but there is something comforting in being able to let my mind wander without interruption...and enjoying where it chooses to go...
then i worked on my not very funny terribly un *pc* joke...that is NOT getting any better to be sure...but for some reason i am determined to see it through...the curse of the twisted...
off to fill another bag with crap...and no, that isn't a metaphor but rather what i will actually be doing...that, and thinking about my joke...i wonder if jesus would think it was funny...
x.
oh and by the way you will be happy (or disgusted) to know that in my decluttering of the back closet i came away with FOUR TRASH BAGS FULL OF STUFF!...i'm hooked!
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