are you sleeping, are you sleeping?

okay, so i've been MIA due to a continued bout of insomnia...

the situation is just too grim...but i will give you the basics...

i wake up at 1 am and don't go back to sleep for one to two hours...on a good night...

that's been happening fairly consistently for the past few months...but starting last friday (the 13th) it's gotten progressively worse...like friday i was awake from 1 am to 3...saturday till 4...and sunday night i got up at 12:55 pm and never made it back to sleep...

well, that's not entirely true...in the very early hours i was in wingman's bed thinking about god knows what, still awake, when i hear the lord of the ring get up for work...so it had to be between 5 and 5:05 am...that's the last i remember when i finally, FINALLY felt my body sink into the mattress and this wonderful rush of relaxation come over me...I FELL ASLEEP...

then i awoke to the following sound coming from the direction of the duke's bed

"unghhh...cccckkkk..."

i sat bolt up in time to find the duke lumbering towards me with a face and hand full of blood!...apparently he awoke with a bloody nose...

so i jump up and get him downstairs...we get to the bathroom and as i am wetting a washcloth and seating him on the toilet i notice the time

5:12 am

good morning!...you have now officially begun your day with a grand total of SEVEN MINUTES OF SLEEP!...

okay, so i was so exhausted i went to bed on monday night and slept all night...but i didn't last night...

and since i had been awake so long the past few nights i had already berated myself for all that is not getting done, re-hashed every mistake i ever made, every person i hurt, every bad idea i ever had that i didn't have anything left...so i started in on worrying about other people's mistakes, problems, issues...

sigh...

i'll figure it out, but in the meantime i am on a temporary hiatus until i do...

oh, and i figure you might be wondering why it is i don't use those hours i am WIDE AWAKE WITH NO HOPE OF EVER SLEEPING AGAIN to actually accomplish something...like say i don't know, blogging?...

i am afraid of the dark...and where the computer is is noooooo place i am going in the middle of the night...in fact, it's very difficult even for me to sit in the living room with every light blazing in the middle of the night...so i lie in bed and think dark thoughts and do a lot of tossing and turning...

oh, and also in case you are wondering, i do try those *go to sleep* tricks...there are a million of them and none of them work...for instance, my mind is wandering too much to focus on *saying good night* to each of my body parts that by the time i get to my stomach i have wandered into a different territory all together...like last night i spent a great deal of time wondering how celebrities get their limos and drivers to come pick them up after a big awards show?...like do they stand in a line?...or just mill about in an unruly crowd?...and when the driver reaches the curb is their name is called?...but what if they are lingering somewhere else and don't hear?...do they have to wait that much longer?...and where do the drivers park?...

and counting sheep is just impossible because if you saw the sheep i have grazing my pastures you certainly wouldn't want them leaping over your head in the middle of the night...and if i do manage to get past my in real life sheep and am able to conjure up imaginary sheep, then i find it necessary to attach personalities to them as they leap over my head...which adds a depth of insanity to the whole process that further insures i will remain awake...

so there you have it...

be good while i'm gone and dream a little dream for me...

x.