weekend update.

alright alright i'm back and i've got all the gory details...

actually, it was quite lovely.

there, are y'all happy!...hurumph...

you know me, gotta make it all horrible beforehand so it at least has the smallest chance of being bearable...that's just how i roll...

now, for a re-cap...

the deal is the summer camp that the lord of the ring attended for 9 years was having its 100th year anniversary...so, this particular weekend of family camp was the reunion weekend...

so of course we had to go...

turns out we shared a cabin with a dear old friend of his...it actually worked out very well...dug the wife and their kids...and the boybarians and their kids got on as if they've known each other all their lives...

our cabin (those three sided wooden jobbys with no lights and a buncha bunks) was literally on the beach...in the san juan islands...it was simply gorgeous...

there were cool activities and a lot of them and the food was good...at mealtime we shared a table with the family we shared the cabin with so it cut down TREMENDOUSLY on my need to engage in polite small talk while stuffing my face...a plus in any situation...especially so during enforced sobriety whist in the midst of psychologically trying circumstances...

some highlights included the boybarians and the lord of the ring going on "the big swing"...basically a harness and cables wherein you are pulled 50ft into the air between the trees then you release from the hold cable and drop into a swinging arc...can i tell you?...wingman, all of five, went up TWICE harnessed to the lord of the ring, and the duke went up a bunch of times...the last time finally asking to go all the way up to the top before releasing...

i kayaked in the san juan islands which is just about the best...i've never been kayaking before and it was really cool...among other things, there was also a boat trip to an island and fireworks off the beach on saturday night...

the boybarians were in heaven...

obviously, i survived and as i mentioned above, even *gasp* enjoyed it...i'd be a total curmudgeon not to have....good to know i haven't made it quite that far down the ladder of life just yet...BUT i could have done without all the singing...before breakfast, before lunch, before and after dinner...oh my good god it was the only time i regretted not having smuggled the flask...

all in all it was great and i would do it again...really, i would...probably in a few years...maybe...it's gonna take me awhile to get all that good natured clap along cheeriness out of my system enough to *appreciate* it fully again...

the duke has been waiting to be old enough to go to this summer camp for a few years now and his time has finally come...we drop him off at the bus next monday at 7 am and he's got a whole week in paradise...

he's beyond excited and i'm totally thrilled he gets the opportunity...summer camp was designed for a kid like him...and really, there's nowhere else we would want him to go...

he's so cute...he was going around from activity to activity just being the duke and getting to know the staff...he'd tell them all he's gonna be back in a week and all that kinda stuff...he'd say hi and call them by name if he saw them around...they'd say hi back and a few would remember his name...

a real people person, that one...i'm exhausted just thinking about it...

anyhow, at some point he says to me all proudly and somewhat smugly

"it seems like a lot of people already know me...like they already know my name"

"um, honey, look down"

and there on his chest was the name tag he wore all weekend and forgot about...

but, at least they know him...

in other somewhat but not really related news...well, i think i've mentioned before how the duke occasionally wets the bed...it turns out that he has decided that overnight protection would be a good idea at camp and i bought a pack of goodnights...(dear duke, when you finally read this years from now please accept my apology and i promise not to share this information with anyone you plan to sleep with...well, i'll try not to anyway...love, your mother...p.s. before you say anything and get all irate and pissy ((pardon the pun)), just remember how long i was in labor with you and all the wonderful things i have done for you such as baking each one of your birthday cakes from scratch...THEME cakes i might add...INCLUDING that one i made that was actually the yellow submarine complete with john, paul, george, and ringo?...okay, love you sweetie!)

anyhow, so we thought trying them out this weekend at camp would be a good idea...since the boybarians were sharing luggage, and we're keeping the whole thing on the downlow, i put the goodnights (they resemble pull ups, but more like underwear) in my own bag...

all goes well, we get home, and sunday night at bedtime he gets one from the bag in the bathroom...he goes up to get ready for bed while wingman brushes his teeth...then they switch...wingman goes up to get ready and quickly comes back down...

"hey, duke, why is there a diaper on my bed!"

and he's holding up the offending item like it was used and making a face...the duke was in the bathroom and didn't hear him...so i quickly snatched it out of his hand and said

"ooohhhh, that must be your cousin's...they must have left it here"

"noooooo, because i saw we have a whole bag in the bathroom"

no flies on him...

so i just ignored his questions and quickly changed the subject and distracted him with picking books and tucking him in...

i told the duke what had happened and the duke said he didn't care if wingman knew...but in the end decided not to tell him they were his in case wingman brought it up to other people he didn't want to know...the matter was dropped all around...

soooooo, to make a long and uninteresting story only slightly less boring, the next day wingman wanted his shoes...so i told him to look in his and the duke's bag from camp because it hadn't been unpacked yet...the thing is, my bag and their bag are identical...so, of course he mistook the two and looked in my bag...

he's looking in my bag and just as i say

"no, that's my bag"

he pulls out the remaining pair of goodnights...out of my bag...

he's holding them up, pulling at them a bit, he's not stupid and he knows roughly what they are for...then he looks me...see where i'm going with this?...do i even need to say it?...

the kid looks at the goodnights, remembers my hurry to drop the matter that they aren't the duke's blah blah blah and has just retrieved them from my bag...

he just gives me a really weird look, drops them and mutters something as he leaves the room...

yup...my child thinks i wear diapers...

nope...i did not tell him the truth...

at least if he blabs to anyone about it they won't believe him and i can just laugh it off in that oh aren't kids funny kinda way...which sucks because a child shouldn't be dismissed in such a way...well, unless he's trying to tell everyone i wear diapers...

which i don't. okay.

this way the duke is protected (even though all of you know...good lord it's a house of cards...) and i've got a story to share...

and apparently, so does wingman...

x.

my dirty little secret...

okay, so i've been keeping something from y'all because i just don't know how to break it to you...

but the time has come so here goes...

it's not important how it came to be, but just that it is...

i am going to ymca family camp this weekend.

camp.

as in cabins, and hikes, and activities, and meals, and campfires, and lanyards...

camp.

only i'm not 17 and a counselor like last time (which if you haven't been 17 and a counselor at camp ever in your life i'd have to say you are missing out)...this is family camp...as in you and your family go to camp and do all the things campers do only you're old and flabby and cantankerous and bitchy and you do it all together and there are other families there doing it all together too...as in you and your family, and this is the *BEST* part, you and your family

SHARE A CABIN WITH ANOTHER FAMILY.

oh. my. god.

i am not twelve...i'm like a hundred and thirty seven!!...with back issues and insomnia!!...there are many an evening i barely like to sleep around my own family let alone a family of strangers!!

good lord, can you imagine?...because, unfortunately, i can...

and quite frankly, it's not pretty...

who thinks up this kinda stuff and then furthermore thinks it's a good idea?!...it's like my worst nightmare!...only it's three days and two nights long...it's like it was put on this god forsaken earth just to piss me off and force me to *face* that that i loathe as some sort of personal challenge that needs overcoming...sounds a LOT like my first husband and we all know how THAT turned out! (well maybe *we* don't, but i got divorced so you get the point...but, i digress)...

it's practically an intervention and i'm the schmuck in the middle of the room on the folding chair...

i told my sister...

she said "you can't do that"

as in i am unable...

i told my mom

she said "you can't do that"

as in i am unable...

i told my best friend...

she said "uh, what?"

then they all went on with phrases like "comfort zone" "don't even like people" "group hugs" and there was a lot of loud general guffawing at my expense...

when we first got the info packet i was looking at the map of the camp and i looked at the lord of the ring and said

"um, yeah, i don't see the cocktail lounge listed on the map"

then he laughed and looked at me with the oh isn't she funny and charming look he's been giving me since we met because he's either completely nuts or he's heavily medicated...

yeah, ha. ha.

so then i decided on my own, but oddly enough backed up by the advice of my sister my mother and my best friend, to pack a flask...

who needs friends when you have family who are so willing to not only enable but encourage!!

sure it seems tacky and escapist and suggests a lot about the true nature and actual depth of my character flaws, but um, group singalongs at the campfire?...

enough said...

then i'm reading the packet and it says what to bring what not to blah blah blah

HELP MAKE CAMP DRUG AND ALCOHOL FREE.

good. lord. who *are* these people???!!!!!

this just keeps getting better and better...

so tomorrow we're off...

and really, despite the snark and the horror of what i am about to embark upon, i am looking forward to it *because* it is *family* camp...

i love my family, i love the outdoors, i loved camp (as a 17 year old!, but whatever)...and it just so happens it's in one of the most beautiful places literally on earth...

i resign myself to the fact that i will love it no matter what...

BUT.

but, the first person who tries to goad me into a skit gets it in the lanyard...

x.

happy summer solstice!!

well, in theory anyway...

the first day of summer and it's still gloomy out here in the pacific northwest...

it could be worse, i know...but i reserve the right to whine about the mundane...we've all got to exercise our gifts...

speaking of which, the following conversation took place between the duke and i this morning...

me, at the sink...him, at the table under the pretense of doing his latin work, but really practicing the art of talking non-stop about whatever at a *really* annoying and not found in nature pitch and then expecting you to not only pay attention but to also respond...

me: "are you trying to get my goat?"

the duke: "i try to make it a priority"

indeed.

then when he was done with his work he started to work on a book he has chosen to call dimwitted tales...

good lord i do hope he's not writing his tell all about me yet...i thought i'd have more time!!

well, we've got piano and errands and chores and the like so i'm off to enjoy SUMMER!!!

good thing i never packed away my fleece...

x.

when a plan backfires...

the whole reason i co-slept with and extended nursed the boybarians was to create an unshakable core of inner happiness to facilitate and insure independence and autonomy...

yeah, not so much...at least not at night...i can't keep wingman out of our bed after about 11 each night and the duke wants to come in about 3 every morning to *snuggle*...

wingman likes to sleep on my head whereas the duke likes to attach himself to my side...not unlike a limpet...

as you can imagine, this is a sucky way to spend one's sleeping hours...and please understand i use the term *sleep* very loosely...yawn..

and this morning when i broached the subject with wingman about needing to stay in his own bed at night he just said

"fine...for now...but i am sleeping with you when i'm big!"

so it's true...you can trace an adult's deviant tendencies right back to the mother...

x.

blimey!

so i've been reading don quixote...oh for the last frickin' month or so...

sod it, this is a HUGE book!

see, i had no idea because i have been laboring under the illusion all these years that i had already read it...ha ha ha, yeah not so much...

so when i realized i hadn't already read it i got all sweaty and anxious and went to the library straight away!! (sorry, i've read three books in a row set in the u.k....all jammy dodgers and fags and the like)...

um, yeah, it's 940 pages!!...blimey!!

so i'm a good bit into it and i LOVE it...it's funny and tragic and everything i thought it was when i thought i had already read it...

BUT i simply can't finish it...at least not in one sitting...it's gonna have to be a bits and pieces kinda thing...

which kinda bums me out...without acting all clever clogs i mean i am an avid and voracious reader and it is one of the classics...and yet the decision to not finish it in one sitting makes me doubt my intelligence...

i'm no rocket scientist, but i think i'm a fairly intelligent bird...i mean i do the crossword in pen for bloody sakes!!...sure, sure, it's the people magazine crossword but that lot can be HARD!

(note to self, knock off the brit lit for awhile)

seriously, it's not about content but about length...that cervantes had some serious time on his hands...

but, i encourage any of you who haven't read it to do so...it's worth it even if you only read a bit...

and if anyone can adequately explain to me what exactly a *jammy dodger* is i'd be perfectly sorted and bob's your uncle!

x.

beach bitch...

so we went to the beach yesterday to enjoy a brief visit from the sun...

you know, it really only takes a few hours, hell minutes, in the company of joe public to really wonder about the state of humanity...

first we get all settled while we witness a pack of ravens picking apart the lunch of some yahoo who just spread their stuff all over the sand and took a walk...that was pleasant...

but wait, what's that?...oh good, i thought i was enjoying a bit too much of the beautiful puget sound air and just in the nick of time we get a pack of chain smokers to take the edge off...whew...

and right on cue arrives the loud family with mrs. loud providing the soundtrack the other family members jam to...screaming and hollering at the whole family at the top of her lungs like she's in her own back yard...whew, i thought it was way too quiet...

then of course you get the pack of kids herded by a random couple of adults screaming as the pack runs to the water because you know, we're at the BEACH!!

"HEY!! HEY!!! DON'T GET WET!!! I MEAN IT, GUYS!! STAY AWAY FROM THE WATER!!"

and of course to top it all off here come the two huge dogs off leash bounding down to the water in and out of all the kids while the owner is god knows where...

i realize of course that i am a bitch...but good lord...this is one of the most beautiful spots on earth...the puget sound ringed with mountains...it's a gorgeous day...and i'm sharing all this natural beauty and wonder with the studio audience of the jerry springer show...

we might as well have been at the grotty reservoir we used to go to when i was a kid...god what a cess pool that was...

oh, and don't even get me started on the kid next to us...her voice could have aged copper in a day...

the boybarians, however, had the time of their life...they dug holes and played in the water and rolled in the sand and made sand castles...

of course i don't say a word about the people around us to them...they get to be children and see the world the way they choose to see it...i choose not to plague them with my obviously deranged and skewed view of the world and keep my observations to myself...

i hope they learn to see the world more through the optimistic and more cheerful eyes of their father...in other words, i sincerely hope they don't inherit my jaundiced eye and pervasive bitchiness...that would be unfortunate...

besides, i don't think i could take the competition...

x.

all good things must come to an end...

what!!

you're telling me this is the LAST morning i get to get up at the crack of dawn to stand in the chilly gloom that passes for early summer in the pacific northwest with a buncha yahoos to watch the exercise in futility that is t-ball all the while hoping the bitchy coach's wife just says one. more. thing. to cross the line so i can take her down just for an outlet and hope like hell all the while the duke won't beg me *once* for the gourmet delight that is known as the *pancake dog* from the concession stand?

what?!? really, i don't get to do this again this season?

wow, you really don't know what you've got until it's gone...

i'll need a moment...

x.

el duque...

the other day the duke says to me

"hey mama, maybe my nickname should be el duque (du-kay)...like orlando hernandez (baseball player)"

"oh, really"

"yeah, it means the duke"

indeed.

he doesn't read the blog but apparently he lives inside my head...such a charming trait...

anyhow, recently i've made a horrific discovery about the duke...

it seems, and i don't know how to break this to you all, but it seems that the duke DETESTS writing!...i know, i know, i haven't quite recovered from the initial shock of it all myself...

this year we added writing to the curriculum and after a year he finally breaks it to me...well, he didn't so much as *break* it too me as shout out in complete and utter frustration

"I CANNOT STAND WRITING!! IT IS MY LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT!! I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN!!"

wow, such strong language from such a young boy...

sigh...

anyhow, too bad for him i've already ordered the next writing program...just wait till he has to do it in latin...heh heh heh...

of course i understand children cannot possibly enjoy all of the things that their parents do...(wince...i don't even want to think about that)...it's just that i love writing so much...i know, you wouldn't know it by my little absence from here as of late, but i do...the whole bit...

and the duke, obviously not so much...

it's funny because i saw that he didn't care for the actual composition part each time he worked on a specific assignment, but i just thought it was the time involved...poor kid...i SO know how it feels trying to come up with something creative and then get it to paper...

in other news, life is good here at the big red house...some days it seems like life will go on exactly as it has forever, other days it seems like it could all change in an instant...

but always, the bickering between the boybarians is the thread that keeps it all together...

i suppose there is something to be said for consistency...

x.

happy friday!

in the car the other day the following conversation took place between the lord of the ring and myself...i was chewing gum and being snarky and the lord of the ring said

"i am of the firm belief that chewing gum changes one's personality"

"yeah, how so?"

"it makes them cocky and aggressive"

"good lord it's not vodka"

so it's friday which means doughnuts...only this morning the new rule made by the lord of the ring is that if you want friday morning doughnuts you have to actually go on the doughnut run...

this rule was made for the duke who's made a friday morning habit of placing an order for a doughnut and then sitting around watching thirteen year old quiz shows on t.v. waiting for the doughnut to arrive...

so even after the new rule he said he didn't want to go and that he didn't care about getting a doughnut...which i know is a lie, he does care or will when wingman comes home with a ring of maple frosting around his mouth...

but for some reason lately the duke has decided to be contrary about nearly every facet of his life so missing out on the doughnut and pretending it doesn't bug him seems par for the course...

and come to think of it, that kid chews a lot of gum...good lord, it's going to be a long adolescence...

meanwhile as the lord of the ring and wingman were leaving i heard wingman say

"let's get the duke a maple bar"

"i'm not getting him anything...if you don't come you don't get a doughnut"

"then i'll get him something"

little sweetie...the duke bugs the shit out of him daily in the most annoying ways possible but wingman still doesn't want him to miss out on a doughnut...

he's either just another adoring little brother or he's on a campaign to fatten his brother up...then when he finally gets the chance to beat the shit out of him for all those years of big brother torture the duke won't be so bony and angular...which i hear can he hard on the fist...

anyhow, moving right along you will be happy to know the tree is gone and the lilacs are fine...one branch got broken but for the most part all is well...

so once again my irrational freak-out was all for naught...but hey, there's something to be said for consistancy...

and now there is a cup of coffee a book and a seat at the picnic table outside with my name on them...

enjoy your friday...

x.

if a tree falls on your lilac bush and your husband is in the room he DOES hear about it!

okay so maybe it wasn't the whole tree...

see we have this big old dead maple with the center completely rotted out tree that serves no purpose other than as a highway for the squirrels who live in our attic and to give me heart attacks during wind storms...

so we have had it on the books to get it removed for some time now...so we hired our wood guy to do it one weekend and he said sure!...

that was in january...

and just like out of a "i bought a house in tuscany and you wouldn't believe how things get done here it's harrowing and yet charming and hopefully it will be made into a movie!!" memoir he shows up this morning out of the blue with two trucks and three guys and a chainsaw...

i was in the living room giving the duke his spelling test when i heard

whump!

i called to the lord of the ring who was at the kitchen table

"wow, was that the tree?"

"naw, but a pretty big branch!"

"wow, where did it land?"

"on one of the lilac bushes"

i thought he was kidding because he said it so casually and he knows how i feel about the lilacs...pretty much we bought the lilacs and the hundred year old house just happened to come with them...

emotional house purchasing is a lot like emotional eating, only way more expensive...

i raced to the window and i literally felt the wind go out and i couldn't speak...i know it looks worse than it will turn out to be...but right now i just feel sad and sick...and i'm sure the lord of the ring is keeping out of my way because OF COURSE somehow in the grand scheme of things that started with adam and eve and the apple, i *sort of* made *verbal intimations* that this was all somehow his fault...

it's not really, OF COURSE...but when i'm upset and fearful i am irrational and i'm snarky and i'm bitchy...okay, let's be honest, i'm like that as a normal course...so you can only imagine what it's like when something really happens!

all this directed towards the sweet man who looked at me yesterday and said "i married you the moment i met you"

really, it was meant as a compliment...

poor guy.

that tree could take us all out, house and all if it came down wrong...i know that...it needs to go...in the meantime i should go because i don't think i can take it...

i'll let you know what survives...and i promise no matter what to not blame the lord of the ring and that he will be among the surviving...

x.

happy birthday to the duke!!!

today the duke of fun turns 9!

which means he started getting up at 4:30 am scouting out gifts and getting ready for the day...

yawn...

one clock radio a subscription to sports illustrated for kids and a pack of baseball cards later he's as happy as a clam...

he's been wanting a clock radio forever...it's such a funny thing...but i totally remember when i got a clock radio as a kid and i took it with me when i left home...and amazingly i just replaced it last year with a new one!

anyhow, the prize gift after all that is he gets to go to the video arcade in the big city with his papa this morning and play to his heart's content...the kid is practically vibrating with excitement...

and for dinner he's requested pancakes pickles and watermelon...good lord have you ever noticed pregnant women and nine year old boys have the same taste in food?...

enjoy your day and i'll give him a little birthday squeeze from y'all...

x.

she is risen...

well, that was fun...since i left you last i have been as sick as a dog...a really really sick dog...fever, throat, lungs, stomach...you name it it hurt...

at one point i was so sick i just cried...but i am getting better...slowly, but getting there...

i still sound like harvey fierstein after a carton of cigarettes, but normally so does my grandma billie for that matter so that's just a family thing i guess...

besides the pitiful crying jags, the worst part is the coughing...

oh. my. god.

i mean if it was that awful wet old hacking up bits of lung cough i could deal with it...at least it would be getting me somewhere...you know, productive in a disgusting plague-like but mildly reassuring way...

but no...no, this is that intermittent throat tearing shallow dry cough that makes my head explode in pain...not productive at all...unless you count the pee it produces...because after two big old babies shacking up and then moving out the nether regions some muscles aren't quite up to the challenge of the sustained cough...

anyhow, moving right along...hopefully another few days and i'll be up to snuff...in the meantime the duke is headed where i was so i'm trying to keep him from total annihilation...

the lord of the ring in the meantime has been babying the beast trying to coax her back into life...it seems my truck has decided it has a sticky choke or something like that...i don't know i wasn't really listening as i was too busy fighting for my life and trying not to pee my pants...

anyway, so because often our life is kept so *interesting* with the ever presence of bad timing, it turns out he had just taken his car in for some suspension work and then bam! the beast goes belly up it's a holiday weekend...

i don't know what he did but he did it in the rain and i am hearing signs of life out front...my man...

maybe my truck and i have some symbiotic bond or something like that...like i go down and so does the beast...i just hope it doesn't extend too far...at some point the beast is gonna need a little rear end work and i don't want to have any part of that!...buh dump bump...

ah see, even slightly back from the brink of death and i can still be funny...it's a gift from god i tell ya...not as good as the gift of not peeing when you cough, but hey, you take what you can get and learn to cross your legs extra tight...

'course if i had done that in the first place i wouldn't be peeing when i coughed...

x.

the logic stage...

"mama, i didn't hit him i just pushed him in the face with my fist!"

a string of this kind of logic coupled with a cruddy throat thingy and i think i just may be done for for the next few...

i shall return, hopefully sans a certain boybarian if i can get the damn gypsies on the phone...

wish me luck...

better yet, perhaps it's the duke you should be wishing that luck to...

x.

out of the way, it's a busy day...

aack!

sorry i didn't get here sooner to let you know about wingman's oral sedation yesterday...i am so busy and frazzled with projects and whatnot...mostly whatnot which for being not much sure takes up a LOT of time!

anyhow, more this weekend but it went GREAT!...way better than expected! :) :) :)...

i expect your thoughts and good vibes did their job and did it well...

more later, enjoy your evening...

x.

millions of peaches, peaches for me...

walking home from school the other day wingman said to the lord of the ring and me

"it's a fine day today"

then he saw the sheep and shouted

"hey sheep!...don't you think it's a fine day today!?!"

oh. my. god. he's just a little peach...could you just eat him up!

in other "he's just a little peach" news the lord of the ring flew to san francisco yesterday for a business meeting...(meanwhile i was painting pee ridden wood and trying to teach our oldest son geometry that i never learned in the first place and eating crap mac and cheese for dinner because i was so exhausted and paint covered that's just how it played out, but i suppose that's neither here nor there) where he had dinner at a restaurant i have been dying to go to since we lived there years ago and never got to go at the time...i have their cookbook and enjoy their recipes when i can...

because he knows how much i've wanted to go there and more importantly because it was a very short flight back after dinner, he arrived after midnight with something from the menu in tow...while they bill themselves as a diner, a lot of their food is upscale and kinda fussy...he found the one thing he thought would travel well and brought it to me...

now, of course when you love someone gestures seem natural...gifts on their birthday, help with a project, offering the last beer...but it's those wacky "you did what?!" gestures that are the best...rather than saying to himself and his dinner companion, she really has wanted to eat here i'll have to bring her, he thought to bring it to me...

which seems a simple gesture if you're not 700 miles two states and an airplane ride away...

first the land cruiser and then the sirloin black bean chili with jalapeno cornbread...he better watch it or else he's going to turn me into a romantic...

or he's just buttering me up for something horrible...

either way, he's just a little peach...

and lest you think i am leaving the duke out i want to mention he has come up with what is very likely the beginning of his first original piano piece...and it's good...

i'm off...i've got to finish the painting, get my blood drawn and my pee looked at, ferry the boybarians to baseball, and try to keep us all on an even keel due to the impending early morning dental festivities...

we will be at the big city dentist at 8:30 am tomorrow morning and i'd much appreciate if you all sent some white light and good vibes to wingman...

x.

fight the power...

yesterday the duke had that weird growing from the roof of his mouth tooth removed (he wasn't scared in the least and did so well!) ...but that sucker was an inch long!...and cylindrical!...i'm sorry, but that is so creepy...he left it by the computer after he got home and when i went in i looked down and saw it and shouted "come get your creepy tooth!"...he of course thinks it's cool...

anyhow he puts the creepy tooth under his pillow at bedtime and it ends up he got FIVE bucks for it!...it's a lot because the deal is is that if you have to have a tooth taken out it's worth more...

somebody thought he should get TEN but since that person didn't get up to actually get the money and stick it under the pillow and deal with the creepy tooth, FIVE it was...

ten dollars...that is just so wrong...

and thursday finally wingman goes in for the first of his series of oral sedations...i am less stressed and more optimistic than i was when this all came up, but catch me on thursday morning because it might all be different...

i am involved in a painting project that reminds me why i dislike painting and brings up once again the tired old question as to why we bought a hundred year old house...

the duke and wingman both start baseball this week...and lucky me they have practice at exactly the same time on exactly the same day in two very separate towns...

they, of course, are beyond excited...i, of course, will finally be purchasing that flask...

it's funny because i really never thought about the fact that they are boys and boys like sports which of course is a total gender generalization but in this case it's true...they were just my little baby boys...i just fed them and took care of them and played with them...all the while having no. clue. what i was in for...

and now i am the mother of sons who LOVE sports and cannot be seen without a ball cap plastered to their heads...a cup and an athletic supporter have been purchased...and those polyester short pants...all of which symbolize all that i *thought* wasn't who *i* was...but when you have kids it's soooooooooooo not about you...it's about the life you craft to sustain your children...and sometimes that life looks a whole lot different than it did when you first started out...

it's best not to take stock in situations like this because then you see what's really going on...two sports fanatic boys and all that that entails...membership to costco...home depot on the weekend...weight gain in my mid thirties...socializing with other parents on the sidelines...it's like i'm a regular american and i have no idea how it happened...

i guess i always thought of myself as some sort of exotic creature who was above all things "normal" and "american"...

HA!

i come from central california, went to the same high school as my father, had the same college english instructor as my mother, and haven't even ever left the country!...

well, okay i've been to mexico but that's only because i lived on the border and wanted to get my tooth fixed for cheap and have even cheaper drinks...and after the business of that last crossing i'm pretty sure i don't want to go back...shudder...if they would even have me...

good lord i think i'm creeping closer and closer to being really really normal...blending in even...

if i get a bob and start quoting oprah just shoot me on the spot...

and now just to assure you that *normal* doesn't reign 24/7 (yet) i bring you a replay of a conversation the lord of the ring and i had not too long ago...

"hey papa, when you're done can you play some catch?"

"sure, hey maybe we can hit the ball around too and practice batting"

exit the son and enter the wife who is grumpy about something and thinks being sarcastic is amusing when it rarely is in any situation and actually her overuse of it should really be addressed in therapy but never will because said wife has her own opinions on therapy

"wow, you're really going for father of the year aren't you?"

to which the husband replies jokingly in his typical water off the duck's back jovial manner which he maintains much more of the time than a man in his situation really should be able to

"just trying to give them the childhood i never had"

"oh, you're doing that too?...because that's what i'm doing...wow, they are so screwed"

x.

stumbling down the bunny trail...

i simply have no time to write as of late but i HAD to share the following...

the duke is learning how to write a proper book report...in his rough draft describing what he enjoyed about the particular book he chose, i found the following sentence...

In this book there is an evil teddy bear who wants to be the main character in every book, so he calls all bad guys to capture other characters like Winnie The Pooh and Peter Cocktail.

good. lord.

x.

happy spring!

spring has sprung around here and is keeping us busy, sweaty, grumpy, productive, distracted from the everyday...

house projects, juggling several irons in a single fire, digging in the dirt, a new lamb grazing our pastures...

we call him vindaloo...

x.

snakes, my ass...

well folks, it's that day of the year again...my annual "snakes, my ass" post...

i suppose it doesn't need to be said that i am not overly fond of st. patrick and his religious shenanigans...i believe i called him a "wanker" last year and i'm confident that nothing has changed since then so it stands...but my deep love for ireland, my slim hold on some irish ancestry, and unnerving appreciation of beer prompts me to celebrate this day in style!

i will reprise my corned beef meal of the past few years with just a bit of tweaking...

corned beef
cabbage
potatoes
irish soda bread
chocolate guinness cake
black & tans or arf n' arfs as my grandpa calls them

this year i am baking my irish soda bread in a dutch oven and see how that works...and i am adding a chocolate guinness cake for desert...it's one of nigella's recipes and while i've never tried it it looks absolutely delicious...it's a dark gooey tangy moist cake with a frothy cream cheese top slightly resembling a pint of guinness...

plus i don't have to sacrifice but a bottle of the good stuff for the cake!

it may not bode well for today that the conversation that took place between the lord of the ring and i a few moments ago went something like this...i said

"hey, when you go to the store we need more harp (i prefer this to bass in a black & tan...which then technically here in america changes the name of this particular pairing from a black & tan to a half-and-half...call it what you will, just pass me a pint in the meantime ) and guinness...oh and bay leaves"

"harp, guinness, bailey's...got it"

"no, bay leaves, not bailey's"

"oh, i guess i was just getting into the spirit of things"

"it's 7:30 in the morning"

indeed.

so happy st. patrick's day and once again i implore you to PLEASE not ruin perfectly good beer with green food coloring!!...there are other less asinine ways to celebrate a day that technically honors an ass...

oh and to auntieEN, my favorite irish lass, only you would find yourself in india on st. patrick's day!!...i miss you terribly and will have a pint or three in your honor...

x.

wherever you go, there you are...and apparently, so is hooters...

well, we're home...

and that lazy maid didn't show the whole time we were gone!...sigh...

we are attempting to get back into our routine...i use that word loosely, you understand...

the duke is back to school and is embarking on a new math text and new history text...wingman has snack day and show and tell tomorrow...he's practically vibrating with excitement...

they've rescheduled wingman's surgery again and the dentist found an extra tooth on the roof of the duke's mouth that has to be extracted next week...

the lord of the ring is working from home for the next bit of time...

i am here...

i think i left you last right before the ball game...oh my goodness but i LOVED it!...who knew?...it was very enjoyable...of course what can be wrong with doing nothing more than sitting in the sun, drinking cold beer and eating deliciously crappy food while eavesdropping on everyone else around you?...it's like being on a picnic, only it's with people you don't know which makes it even better because you don't have to talk to them!...

the best part was the boybarians each got a game ball!...they waited by the giants dugout after each inning and the first time this guy who said he had been going to baseball games for 40 years and had never caught a ball caught a ball this game and gave the ball to wingman!...and then the duke hung out after another inning and one of the giants tossed him a ball!...but before the game even started the duke stood down there forever and got two giants signatures on the ball he brought...

oh my god you should have seen the looks on their faces!...simple pleasures indeed...i love my boys...

the rest of the trip of course included the aforementioned trip to the grand canyon...and of course the sillymortalfamily goes when it's SNOWING!...good lord it was a white out on the way up...it was 9 pm and the boybarians were in the back sleeping and the lord of the ring and i were still inching our way up towards the canyon...

in hindsight?...yeah, dumb parenting move #4005...

BUT it wasn't so bad when we started out and there is the land cruiser factor...so we just headed up...well the snow was obviously worse than we thought, nearly total whiteout, but it wasn't until i heard the lord of the ring say the following that i really started to worry...

"i better get out and lock the hubs and put it into high4"

okay first of all my husband is always way more butch than i give him credit for...and second of all that's just a buncha crazy talk right there!!

but, just as it was getting really bad, it stopped...and the night was clear and big and starry...it was beautiful...

the next morning we trolled around the grand canyon and vowed to come back one day when it wasn't snowing and for a family backpack down to the bottom...

what a gorgeous and beautiful wonder, the grand canyon...if you haven't already, you must go...

we finished up the trip with an evening in portland having dinner at our favorite restaurant and swimming at the hotel pool...where i must say i got more than one admiring glance my way while in my bathing suit...

this doesn't happen ever so i enjoyed it while i could...so okay, yes they were an older lesbian couple but a girl takes what she can get...

we started in the wilds of michigan and made a smile down the united states back up to home...we missed an ice storm and switched bumpers in michigan, saw dear friends and tossed the disgusting berry blast air freshener in illinois, missed the tornadoes of the midwest and discovered frito pie and shiner bock in amarillo, replaced windshield wipers and learned how to cage fight in new mexico, replaced tires and realized our boys are already lifetime fans of america's favorite past time in peoria...

and the thread that wove all of the states together?...a hooters at every stop...

through it all we learned, once again, that we really do like to be together as a family, and that it really is possible to travel 3000 miles with two kids and not a gameboy, dvd player, or walkman in sight...

of course that means i had to keep my "free to any home" sign at the ready and if i hear revolver ever. again. or the boybarians singing take me out to the ball game one. more. time i'm taking an ice pick to my ears...

of course that's not as bad as the last two hours of the trip wherein wingman amused himself by drawing pictures of me with a mustache...

when i balked (only slightly mind you, i know when i'm up against a losing battle...and there really is no reasoning with a five year old) he said

"but mama, mustaches are moo-ee (muy) macho!"

indeed...and it would certainly explain all the interest at the pool...

x.

padres vs. giants 1:05 PM

i spent a leisurely afternoon by the pool yesterday...i read, i swam, i hung out, i got burned...

can i say i never burn?...i use sunscreen and beyond that my skin is such that it adapts quite well to the sun...but yesterday even with cloud cover and sunscreen, i burned...

i am officially a tourist...i like to think of myself more as a traveller, but i think i've crossed over with the burning and the ball park souveniers i am now carting around care of the boybarians...

plus today i am actually attending a game...three hours in the sun watching a game that well, it's a baseball game...who knew?

BUT i am determined to enjoy myself as it is very important to the boybarians and they really want to share it with me...

so, in the spirit of the whole event i got myself a ball cap and a three quarter length baseball tee to wear...everything looks brighter when you get to dress for the occasion...don't you agree?...plus, i didn't bring a cap (do i own one?) or even a t-shirt and i would burn and roast otherwise...

now, if i can just score one of those big foam fingers i'm good!...just kidding because of course the only foam i'm considering will be on the top of an ice cold beer...

so off we go...today the game...tomorrow the grand canyon...

now that's gonna be cool...

x.

if it's saturday it must be the mountains of new mexico and men fighting in a cage...

so we bypassed st. louis due to time considerations and headed for the best burger possible in kansas city...missouri that is...

oh my god but was it good...it was a toss up between kansas city barbecue or beef...we went for the beef (lunchtime beef) and it really was the best burger i ever had...

kansas city is an amazing city...the buildings are gorgeous...the old west with a LOT of style and architectural beauty...and what a big city it is...i was amazed...

but not as amazed as the styled within an inch of her life hostess who seated us and JUST COULD NOT GET OVER THE FACT THAT WINGMAN IS A BOY!

we may have scarred her for life

"but he looks just like my victoria" (her four year old daughter) she wailed incredulously...

poor victoria...

it's been at least since before we left that wingman has had a bath coupled with his hair permanently under a seattle mariners ball cap he's not exactly ready for prime time...i doubt victoria has looked this bad on her worst day...not to mention the spiderman shirt he INSISTS on wearing every day (i finally confiscated it and he's no worse for the wear...yet...)

so when we were leaving she had to call over all her workmates as fast as she could and ask them all excited and angry and nervous and giggly at once

"so, girl or boy!?!"

they all failed...

it lasted all of about a minute and wingman and i (the lord of the ring and the duke were still wrapping things up) put up with it like pros...it's not the first time he's been the flavor of the day due to his hair...he's the roll your eyes and bear it king...

huh?..i do wonder where he gets it...

so from there we hit oklahoma, texas, and tonight, new mexico...

my boys are currently up late, drinking soda, eating coffee ice cream, and watching sweaty and scantily clad grown men fight each other in a cage on pay per view...

i would explain, but i think it would take far more energy than i currently posess...

what happens on the road stays on the road...

tomorrow, it's phoenix for spring training...

and just so you don't think i've totally lost my mind, i'll be poolside with a book and a drink...

x.

when life hands you lemons...

you know those times when you go for something you really really want even though it may seem a little foolhardy but you go for it anyway only to have it totally suck in the end?














WELL THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES BECAUSE MY TRUCK TOTALLY ROCKS!!!

more later from st. louis...

x.

mark clark here, how are you this morning?

well we made it through security with only one of us being searched...

although this time i can understand as the duke is obviously suspicious at best...the big old screener had a heck of a time trying to stuff pooh bear back in the way he came out...

oooh, scary stuff...

turns out it was the travel chess set the bag lady in paris gave him for christmas that caused the hullabaloo...

even with the lord of the ring helping we were both winded and drenched in sweat after getting us all through...

poor lamb he had no idea what hit him...traveling solo is just. not. the. same.

anyhow one of the perks of having a traveling husband is we are automatically in first class (lord but i bet they'll be happy to see us go!) and can await our flight (which is already late) in relative and complimentary comfort behind one of those weird non-descript doors you see in the airport...

i always wondered what went on in there...it's not as exciting as one might imagine...it's basically a bunch of middle aged men who travel for business drinking coffee, reading the paper, and watching the news...

really, you wouldn't think this many men would be gathered in one place, yet each one hanging out by himself, without boobs or poles or hot wings involved...

so far we've enjoyed bagels and coffee, endured wingman's need to ramp his voice up 1000 notches just because everyone else is being quiet, and had a minor skirmish over the fact that one got the last lime yogurt and the other didn't...and all for FREE!

good times...

i hear they have a free bar here too, but so far i see no evidence of it...rats...

the real treat is there is a guy sitting behind me who is obviously a new real estate agent and still wet behind the fake enthusiasm...and he obviously hasn't learned how to use his indoor voice...

the best part?...his name is mark clark...

ah it gets me every call he makes...

x.

why people drink too much on vacation...

really, it must be to make up for the preparation...

oh. my. god.

x.

the gift that says he'd marry you all over again...

(something happened to my blog and i had to futz with it and as a result the beginning of this post was eaten...this is the gist of it)

since i was in high school i have LOVED land cruisers...but not any old land cruiser...specifically the late eighties/way early 90's land cruisers before they changed the body style...a mistake in my opinion, but nobody asked me...anyhow, the boxy square ones...I LOVE THEM!

whenever i'd see them driving by, parked whatever i'd just get that little bit of electricity...a little jolt going through my body that said i. love. that. truck.

i can totally understand america's love affair with the automobile...because once you fall, there's no getting up...except i've largely been a one truck girl...sure, there have been other cars i've given more than a passing glance to...but none could compare to the land cruiser...

since we've been needing a car for oh i don't know like forever, we've been on and off considering this and that...what we could afford, what might suit us best...

then one day the lord of the ring calls me up at the grocery store where i'm about to more than adequately prove to the boybarians just why it is that the lord of the ring is the more popular parent when i answer the phone and hear him say

"i bought you car"

"oh. OH"

"a 1990 fj62 land cruiser with a recent chevy v8 conversion...it's white...it's totally sweet!"

"oh my god, really?!"

"yeah"

"oh my god!...when. how. where is it?"

"um, well it's in michigan"

we leave monday.

so there you have it...

so far my big joke is it doesn't need a winch because there's already one driving it.

buh dump bump...

i know...they're spelled differently...it's early yet...

anyhow, really it's the most romantic gesture i could think of...a 16 year old vehicle in the middle of nowhere that costs less than most wedding rings...what more could a girl ask for!...i LOVE it!...not that i am surprised, but i LOVE that my husband knows me so well...he knows my heart and my soul and it has nothing to do with big red bows on a brand new car...

some say it with diamonds, some say it with 4000 pounds of cold, hard steel...

now i'm just hoping for our anniversary he'll get me the full size ARB roof rack...

a girl can dream...

i'll post from the road and let you know how it's going, in the meantime i've got a trip to plan!

enjoy your weekend...

x.

testing, again...

bah...

trying to figure out where my blog went...

merrily we roll along, roll along, roll along...merrily we roll along riiiight to the nuthouse!

to the tune of mary had a little lamb...

you can see where i'm going with this...

the song the boys are to memorize as opposed to sight read is merrily we roll along...

can i tell you?

two kids...two practices a day of merrily we roll along...over and over and over...and then whenever they feel like it...

the piano is a lovely addition to our home, though...it's as though it's always been here...i love it when a plan comes together...

man i miss the a-team...and magnum p.i....i really loved that show...oh, and miami vice...80's t.v. rawked!

must be all the advil...

anyhow, beyond that there isn't too much to report...the duke still feels cruddy, wingman's at school, it's freezing outside, the piano mover was hot...oh wait, did i just say that out loud?...

my neck feels better...

i now have the kid cold that's been going around...

merrily we roll along...

x.

waa waa waa...

i am usually not given to posting while whiny, but i re-injured my neck and broke my favorite white serving platter all before 8 am...

if there is much to say beyond that that isn't profanity ridden i just don't know what it would be...

BUT the good news is that the piano i coming today!...i am very excited and so are the boys...i do hope it's not so terribly out of tune that it's unplayable, because after all is said and done having it properly tuned is out of the budget for now...

the duke is on the mend enough that we are back at school and have started our new latin program...it, so far, looks like it has the capacity to kick his butt...which means it's right up his alley and i think it will serve him well...

for now i'm on ice and advil and it seems to being doing part of the trick...once again i have to drive with an injured neck because it's piano lesson day...ugh...

one day i'll learn...

x.

happy valentime's day...

well i knew i was doomed when wingman came home from school talking about glitter and glue and paper hearts...

no creepy boxed valentines for us...damn...

so i had to load up the feverish and understandably upset duke and head to the craft store...it's totally unfair, but i had no choice...can i say it just sucks that i had no choice?

anyhow you'd think that i would have remembered that wednesday is wingman's snack day and combined the trip so i wouldn't have to make another trip today...with the sick duke in tow...but no...i didn't...poor duke...

and what did wingman choose at the craft store?...orange cardstock for the hearts, glitter glue in the shades of tangerine and royal blue, fuzzy dog stickers, sports stickers, and pastel flower stickers...

not a stitch of red or pink in the whole lot...

then he proceeded to construct 17, countem' SEVENTEEN!! hand. made. hand. addressed. valentines...

dude.

i never thought i'd see the day when danny and the dinosaur seemed like a short read...

he had a very good time and i just sat back and let him at it...

now with the duke i was way more *involved*...and by *involved* i mean i was like the don king of valentines...i totally spearheaded the whole event and definitely *helped* to ensure that they were valentiney and above all, presentable...

as a first time mother that's just what you do, i guess...there's so much ego involved, so much wrapped up in what your child presents to the world...i think we come by it naturally, however it manifests...we are shepherding our children through the world, sometimes detouring through our own past into what we hope is a glowing future...

we want our children to learn the ins and outs of acknowledging and more importantly following the social contract...

which means valentines are red and pink and you don't get to use brown pen...

not so much with wingman...i let him do it all and OF COURSE valentines aren't red and pink and OF COURSE it was infinitely more enjoyable for both of us...

and OF COURSE he addressed each and every one of them in brown pen...

judging from the adults i know, the children i know, the parents of the adults i know and the parents of the children i know, i'd say children (adult or otherwise) are about 10% (if that) what we *want*/*raise* them to be and 90% just who they are...

and the sooner we can accept this as fact, the sooner we can tear down the walls of expectation and let every one catch their breath and get their bearings and move forward at their own pace...carving a path for travelling together...no one feeling pushed, no one pulling, no one getting lost or ditching the group because that's the only way they'll ever get a chance to decide what step they should take...

letting everyone, including ourselves, be exactly who they are without expectations and contingencies from other people...

i am beginning to believe one can follow the social contract without having to sign it in blood...

orange and blue and brown valentines are my small step in that direction as a parent...

as a person?...i'm still figuring that out...those small steps are a lot harder to recognize and even harder to take when it's your own self you're fighting for...

i'll keep you posted...

x.

i heart my hundred dollar piano...

i found the boys a piano!...it's nothing fancy, dinged more than a bit here and there, but it's an upright and has a nice sound despite not having been played or tuned in quite some time...

it should be delivered some time this week!...now let's see how much they love the piano when they have to practice each day...my money is still on them...we'll see...

valentine's day is tomorrow which really on a scale of one to whatever is a what. ever...i've got my own valentine's history that i'm sure ought to be whipped up into some sort of pathetic and maudlin short story...

and even now in a happily married relationship i have to say valentine's day still fails to get my heart to racin'...though i am not alone in my apathy...

case in point, the following conversation took place this weekend before the lord of the ring ditched us once again for sunnier climes...

"i didn't do a thing for you this year"

"for what?"

"for valentine's day"

"oh, well at least you aren't breaking with tradition"

"yeah, i'm a bad husband about that, but at least i'm consistent"

"you're not a bad husband...you know i am too cheap to appreciate you spending a wad of money having flowers delivered, my days of eating pounds of chocolates were over about 30 pounds ago, and i don't know that i even like wearing jewelry...what else is there?...plus you're not even going to be here which i think technically leaves you off the hook...i'm not sure, but that might be the rule"

"you're the perfect girl for me"

that's me...at least in this respect i'm as low maintenance as a new formica counter...but don't worry, i put him through the ringer in other areas...it all balances out...

BUT it cannot be totally ignored this year because wingman is in need of 17 valentine's for his class tomorrow...

oops...

the deal is that valentines around here, if they happen at all, are a homemade affair...i've never liked the prepackaged ones, even when i was a kid...frankly, they creeped me out...

i just think even though it's a commercial holiday and one i don't particularly celebrate, it is ostensibly about love...thoughtfulness...you know, all that crap...and doing nothing more than signing your name at the bottom of some creepy valentine and then passing them out, some not even addressed individually, somehow misses the mark...

so in the past when the duke needed the requisite batch of valentines i gathered all the pink and red and white paper and glue and glitter and we made them...

this year?...well i kinda spaced it and can i say i don't even have one piece of red construction paper?...

so now it comes down to the craft store vs. target the day before valentines day...because despite my issues with boxed valentines given the amount of time and work making valentines entails it could definitely go either way...i've compromised my irrationally set and precariously perched principles for less...

i'll keep you posted...

in other news the duke did very well at baseball tryouts yesterday...the lord of the ring said he was solidly in the middle of the pack...not a bad ranking for someone who's never played and only became obsessed three months ago...

and now he is sick with the fever and cough wingman had and is on the couch...school has been replaced by spongebob square pants and whatever else he can scare up on the television...

which i hope settles the myth that homeschooled kids still have to do school when they're sick...

they don't...

but their mothers still do...

le sigh...

x.

good lord it's sunny here...go figure...

it's set to be another beautiful day here in the pacific northwest...after months of rain and chill and gloom the sun is finally here...the sky is blue and there isn't a cloud in sight...

i am always amazed by how amazed i am that winter does end and spring will come...

baseball tryouts are this weekend and the duke is very excited...

the lord of the ring is finally getting new glasses after 12 years and i am excited...

wingman is excited by the ginourmous strawberry he is currently eating...

piano lessons continue to go well...i am so glad the boybarians enjoy them...their instructor continues to be amazed at how well they are doing considering we don't have a piano...

anybody got a spare piano lying about?

between my neck going out and wingman being under the weather it's been slow around here lately...but i find that that's the way it is as one season wears down and another gears up...

another season means new plans...projects around the house...considering the garden again...

good god, the garden...i have absolutely no natural talent or instinct for gardening...so for me gardening is like taking a math test every single time...

but i do sort of like mucking about in the dirt and i do love how a garden looks and there is already one here so i shall press on...

and projects around the house?...it should come as no surprise to anyone that i am much better at making a list than actually tackling the items on the list...

really, i should be living in a condo...sure it would be soul crushing and depress me terribly, but a condo i can handle...

a hundred year old house with old flower gardens and two and a half acres?...not so much...but this is my home whether it kills me or not...

right now those projects will wait while i pour another cup of coffee and watch some elaborate baseball card trading scheme between the boybarians involving someone named albert pujols...

the amount of knowledge of players and stats and the game of baseball in general the boybarians posses is scary...they just start going off, telling me facts and figures...and of course half the time i have no idea what the hell they are even talking about...okay, more than half...even wingman!...and that kid didn't even talk until two years ago!...

and how in the hell can they remember all of that when they can't ever ever EVER remember WE DON'T PLAY BALL IN THE HOUSE!!..

it's like when the lord of the ring starts spouting off some random sports stat from the seventies ...so i look at him and ask

"when's my birthday?"

so he looks at me and rolls his eyes like i'm just nuts and of course he knows my when my birthday is and with all the confidence in the world he replies

"june 20"

right.

HA!...boy would he be in trouble then...cancer/gemini cusp?...he wouldn't know what hit him...or he would just assume it was par for the course given his taste in women...

and now i must go because apparently wingman has gotten it into his head that it's a fine time for a fudgesicle and is trying to convince me of that fact...he will lose, of course...but in the meantime his exuberance is threatening to explode my head...

makes me long for the good old days when he chose not to talk...i should have appreciated them more rather than worrying that there was something wrong with him...there's something wrong with him all right but it doesn't have anything to do with talking...

and by the way, my birthday is july 20...

x.

the thinks he's quick fox gets trumped by the lazy brown dog...and the lazy brown dog gets trumped by syd hoff...

judging from the most recent conversation in a long line of similar conversations the duke is either going to be a criminal, a lawyer, or a criminal lawyer...

first, a little background...the duke is allowed one hour on the computer and one half hour television show a day of his choice...wingman is allowed one half hour on the computer and one half hour television show a day of his choice...if the other boybarian is around he too may watch the show of his brother's choosing...

it's a system that works...mostly...

except wingman's been sick with a fever and cough and thus has been lying on the couch watching t.v. for the better part of the day for a few days...which means by default the duke is getting extra t.v. when he is not doing something else...

SO, yesterday he comes in the back while i'm hanging laundry to complete a task he told me he would do at that time because he was going to watch a show first...fine...

"is your show over already?"

"oh, it wasn't my show...it was wingman's"

"um, what do you mean it was 'wingman's'?"

"he picked it, not me"

"he's been on the couch all day with a fever watching whatever is on, he's not really in a position to 'pick'...not to mention it's your favorite show...you picked the show, so that's your show for the day"

"MAMA, i did NOT pick that show!!...it's not my show!!...wingman picked it and i just watched it!!...you aren't listening to me!!"

"i'm listening...but no matter how many times you say it, it doesn't make it true"

"i didn't pick it, wingman did"

"good lord!!...you not only picked it, you were the one who told wingman in the first place that it was on, you reminded it THREE HOURS AGO on the television, you came in from outside right at 3:30 expressly to watch it, AND you told me you would complete the task i gave you at 4:00 because you were going to watch a show until then!!...NOT TO MENTION IT'S YOUR FAVORITE SHOW!!"

silence....just as i thought...

i hate this kinda bullshit in the worst way...one of the worst jobs as a parent is engage in a conversation with a child who thinks you are stupid...or one who is so convinced he is right that he thinks you are just mean or crazy or both...or born yesterday...

moving right along, wingman read danny and the dinosaur to me last night!!...he's been working on it for awhile, and now he's seem to have gotten it...

all. 64. pages. of. it.

can i tell you?...really?

first of all, it's not a terribly interesting story...and being as it was published in 1958, it's just downright weird...

don't get me wrong, it's GREAT when a child starts to read in earnest...a milestone marked, pride felt by both parent and child...and then, then to be able to tackle a big book like danny and the dinosaur, well that's just amazing...and at five!!

BUT I WAS LYING THERE FOR 35 MINUTES!!...OH. MY. GOD.!!!...it's been building for a few nights because he's been reading most of it himself...but i would help out a lot or take over...but no, not last night...he had to read every. single. word.

of course i told him i was proud of him and he was obviously proud...but good lord, couldn't it be a shorter book?...pat the bunny?...maisy's colors?...the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog?...

okay, those are both dorky books and a typing exercise, but you get my point...

i just wanted to rip the book out of his hands and read it really fast...or when he struggled over a word it was all i could do to just shout it out...it's ASKED!! FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD IN THE WORLD!!...A. S. K. E. D.!!!...ASKED!!

of course it sounds mean and of course i didn't...

but i wanted to...

in his newly minted pride (he's just a peach!) he took it to school for show and tell today...

and if his teacher knows what's good for her, she will read it to the kids...

x.

guys, if you miss your mothers just give me a call...

so i'm on the phone with a male friend yesterday and we're chatting and all of a sudden i shout to the duke

"DO NOT THROW THAT BALL IN THIS HOUSE!"

"oh. my. god....you sound just like my mother!"

actually, i sounded just like rosanne barr...

"well they've both gotten soooo into sports lately and i can NOT keep them from tossing balls around inside!...footballs, baseballs, koosh balls...it doesn't matter!"

"oh, i remember doing that...my mom would tell me not to but i just couldn't help it"

"i know they think i'm just mean and no fun, but as an adult now do you see how reasonable a request it was for your mother to make?"

"oh, totally...but still, god i remember how hard it was not to...seriously, it was uncontrollable"

good lord, i do not know how in the hell i will survive...or how my 100 year old windows will...and it's not like we don't have space *outside* to throw things...

except that it's rained for like a million days in a row...

maybe i'll send them out to build an ark...that should keep them busy for awhile...

that sounds good...i'll get all biblical on their asses!!...parents do it all the time, why shouldn't i?...i could recruit god as my co-parent while the lord of the ring is away...idle hands and all that...it'll be great!

if i could only get them to learn how to turn water into wine i'm set!!

and now as the mother of two boys so into sports it's a little frightening, i am in that special realm of those who actually care about and therefore plan a superbowl sunday spread...i've even procured football shaped plates...believe me, i know...

it's amazing what having kids will do to a girl...it's a slippery slope i tell ya...and this weekend it looks like a slope paved with million dollar ads, cheese dip, and lots of beer...america at it's finest hour and i'm taking a front row seat...

where's janet jackson when you need her?

x.

wal-mart and a pain in the neck...

bah...i woke up yesterday with my neck out...well nearly...but by sometime early afternoon it went completely...

but of course i did the one thing you aren't supposed to do with an injured neck...drive...and what's worse, i drove the german tuna can with a bitch of a stick and on lots of curves and hills...

i HAD to as it was the boybarians' piano lessons (apparently wingman has a good ear for music says the teacher...yea!)

so i dosed up on advil and hit the road...then i HAD to stop for gas and then i HAD to climb under the car where the gas cap rolled blah blah blah...

needless to say my neck was a wreck by the time we got home...so i munched on the advil and sipped jim beam and iced my neck and counted the minutes till i could get us all fed and in bed...

the thing about icing a muscle is that you HAVE to keep it on at least 20 minutes...even if its unbearable or you already feel numb, it still must be 20 minutes...because any less and the muscle is just getting used to it then BAM! the ice is gone and the muscle gets pissed and gets even more tense...

it's a lot like trying to take a keg cup away from the drunk girl at a party...it's only gonna piss her off and she'll go get A WHOLE NEW CUP which means she'll drink more than she would have and the consequences will be a lot more grim...best just to let her finish and what she already has then trick her out the door before she pukes on your new throw rug...

anyhow, on the way home from the stupid driving adventure we come to one of two new stoplights in the equivalent of one city block...courtesy of the new wal-mart that just opened last week...

can i say you used to be able to leave my house and not stop for a light for five miles?...and now, well...

so anyhow i stop at the second one and grumble

"thanks for all the traffic and stoplights wal-mart"

then the duke says

"yeah, it used to be just a sleepy little road before...why did they build a wal-mart right here?"

"because wal-mart wants to conquer the world...like alexander the great...they want to be sure they've captured and covered as much as they can"

"um, mama, i think you mean caeser"

"whatever...the point is they are the largest retail business in the world...they sell things so cheap but don't pay the people making them very well...and they don't pay their workers enough to afford even the basic health coverage, or provide it themselves...so people like us who pay taxes have to pick up the difference when they get sick and have to use the emergency room instead of a doctor...yet the company is worth billions!"

then wingman says

"well, that's not very kind"

"no it's not...but that's wal-mart...you get your stuff for cheap but then you have to pay higher taxes to take care of their employees...there's very little savings in the end"

"and more traffic"

indeed.

fortunately, thanks to the advil, the ice, and mr. beam my neck feels mildly better today, and hopefully will be much better by tomorrow...

unfortunately, wal-mart will still be here...

x.

the official diagnosis...

i don't know if you recall that some months back my doctor was obsessed with the size of my neck...i told her it was due to weight gain but she wasn't convinced...

she ran tests related to thyroid, etc. and came up with nothing...

so i had to go in for a check up a month ago and she still wasn't convinced it was nothing...so she gave me a referral for an ultrasound that among other things in the comments section read "suspected neck goiter"

goiter.

really, it should be the word of the week based on its disgustingness as an actual word alone...

okay, can i tell you i am not a large woman...as much as i joke, and i have every right to because it's better than weeping into my wine, i am the average height and weight of women in this country...i swear...i looked it up...

which leads me to believe that america is just WAY TOO FAT!

anyhow, so i am not overly large per se, and have always been, until childbearing, a rather slim and shapely lass...i swear...i looked it up...so naturally, even in the face of evidence to the contrary, i still mostly feel like that slim gal inside...

until i have to call to set up the appointment for the ultrasound and the woman on the phone says what is the reason and i have to say

"suspected neck goiter"

can i tell you?...really?

so then she says, oh for thyroid?, and i say yeah and my appointment was yesterday...and i went...

so they do an ultrasound on my neck and the radiologist asks if *i* suspect i have a thyroid problem and i say

"no, i mentioned to my doctor that i thought it had to do with weight gain"

"so you don't feel you have a problem with your hormones at all?"

um, what?...hell yeah i have a problem with my hormones!...i'm a stay at home mother born in the sign of cancer!...i wake up feeling like i've been run over by a truck, cry at parades and commercials and npr, mediate frivolous arguments of energetic boybarians savvier than me, and try not to drink a bottle of wine before six p.m...yeah, i'd say i have some hormonal *issues*...

but what i really said was

"no, not really"

because what's he really gonna do about it?...hold my hand and tell me this too, shall pass?...that the days are long but the years are short?...that i am doing a great service to this country by trying to raise and educate good people?...that it's hard now but i'll miss it when they're older?...he's just there to read results and pass them along...

so he reads the ultrasound gives me the official diagnosis...

"yep, it's just chub"

chub.

"chub? is that the "official" diagnosis?"

then he chuckles...fucker...

"yep, it appears you thyroid is fine and the bulge (this just gets better and better doesn't it?) is due to weight gain"

then he leaves the room...

now see, again, this is why i don't leave the house...because i am a freak magnet...people say things to me that they wouldn't dare say to others...i guess i have that kind of face that inspires people to be rude or just say the first thing that comes into their head...

it could be much worse...it could always be much worse, i suppose...

good lord, that's not very comforting is it?

in other news the boys love piano and look forward to the lessons each week...now if we can only get a piano...

and no word on the beginning of baseball, but the boys are excited and i am excited for them...though i am actually looking forward to it about as much as i would a neck ultrasound...

and now i must be off...it's time for writing and grammar and if i don't supervise the duke gets ideas...the things he comes up with are suspect at best...

for instance yesterday he was to write an example of how one would combine two sentences that had different subjects and the same predicates...he was to make up and write the individual sentences then combine them properly...he wrote

Jerry ran from Mr. Grups.

Kate ran from Mr. Grups.

Jerry and Kate ran from Mr. Grups.

then he drew a picture of these two scared kids and a mean old man chasing them with an extra sharp rake...

"that's the mean old neighbor...he doesn't like kids...and see his address on his mailbox?...that's an unlucky number...look how fast those kids are running"

i don't know when, and i don't know where, and i don't know for what, but i know that somehow i will be blamed for something when he's older...

x.

why anything surprises anyone anymore is beyond me...

on the issue of james frey and his book a million little pieces i must first say that the particulars of the issue are of little concern to me...but i feel compelled to say something...my something is the following...

writers are notoriously lazy and suffer from ever-swelling egos...

why it should surprise anyone that a writer would "embellish" or just flat out make up events, people, and facts in a memoir is beyond me...

there are no two ways about it, if a writer can say it better they will...those who don't, well it doesn't matter now does it because we haven't ever heard of them and likely never will...

i have long held the opinion that any written work, like any art work or piece of music, matters only in its ability to capture some emotion, moment in time, or induce processes of thought or feeling...

anything else is irrelevant...

though don't tell the writer the artist or the musician...they seem to think there is more to it than that...oh, but please let us not dispel the myth should they suddenly get the idea they'd like to talk about their work...or good god even worse, about themselves!!...

i defy you to find one person in this world who tells their own story just. the. way. it. happened.

especially if that person happens to have even one ounce of ability to commit thought to word and word to paper...

happy hunting, and if you don't cry, throw-up, and pee your pants while reading my yet to be written memoir THEN get to see it come to life on the big screen in every city in the country then i will consider myself a failure...

certainly not when someone else deems me as such...

but for the sake of the collective soul that crys out for something more, something beyond the things we all know for sure, please, don't ask and i promise not to tell...

because there is pure grace in illusion...and when we seek to discover the truth and nothing but the truth, we miss the magic...

and without the magic we are nothing more than mere silly mortals...

x.

for once, i wish i was older...

because then i could be a curmudgeon which would at least lend a certain legitimacy to my complaining...unfortunately, at my present age, i'm just a bitch...

really, i'd love nothing more than to sit down and share some clear soup with andy rooney and kvetch...

so i sign the boys up for baseball and they inform me that the duke has to TRY. OUT.

he's 8!

who makes an 8 year old try out for baseball?...this is america people!!...it's america's game or america's past time or some such trademarked slogan like that!...what's more american than baseball!?!...and they make kids try out!!??...

i thought you showed up with a glove and your hat and your eagerness and that was that!...no WONDER everyone else in the world hates us!!

i gently broke it to the duke that he would have to try out for the team...

and god bless him, he who hasn't played baseball in his life, you know what he said?

"oh...well, probably i'll make it...not to worry"

sigh...my boy...such an optimist and so confident...i just love that about him!

moving right along to my body...i know, nobody likes it when andy rooney talks about his body either...but i have to bitch because after a month of somewhat regular exercise and an assortment of other torturous yet healthy choices i have lost exactly nothing...nada...not one ounce...

and so what i have to say is this...my body better start kickin' in something!...a pound or two, that's all i ask...a little incentive, a little give...because pretty much i'm doing all the work and gettin' nothing in return...last time that happened it ended in divorce...

and while i can't divorce my body, well, i suppose if i had a sex change it would almost be like divorcing my body...i guess?...not that i want a sex change, though men do lose weight faster than women...

but, i digress...

no matter, my body had better start showin' me the love or all bets are off and i'm ditching it all and going for norm on cheers...i'm serious, let's see how my ass and my blood pressure like that!...ha!

moving right along, the bagger at the grocery store pissed me off yesterday and reminded me that i don't generally leave the house for this very reason, the german tuna can i drive won't let me in the trunk, and the rear tire needs more air blown in it than our current president just to get down the block...not that we have blocks out here in the middle of *nearly* nowhere (wall mart is moving in..."nowhere" is no longer...but that is a whole other bitch in and of itself)

there's more, as always...for instance, i could go into the boybarians' twice daily fight about who gets the "fancy" spoon or the "fancy" fork, but really i can't bear to go there right now unless i add a generous belt of whiskey to this already tepid coffee...suffice it to say it's a battle royale that is of such a petty and absurd nature it makes me wonder why i don't already have whiskey in my coffee...

on a much much MUCH happier note, tomorrow my beloved wingman turns five!!!...i am surprised it's happened so fast and yet it seems like he's always been here...

but you know what wingman turning five also means, and i must say this today as to not ruin tomorrow...wingman turning five also means we have had five years with george w. bush...i know, i know...it's, well it is what it is...let us mourn now and not speak of this tomorrow...

x.

sorry kid, had we had known we might have toned down the earthiness...

well now, this is just too good!! i've just got to start with the word of the week!

today while listening to the alito business on the radio i heard one of the senators ask the million dollar question that began with the following

"people have organized their intimate relations around the ability to get an abortion should contraception fail blah blah blah"

then he said

"i apologize for the earthy language, but that is the nature of the blah blah blah"

earthy

LOVE IT!

it's such a dignified way to excuse yourself of saying something that may be a bit "much"...

for instance, "pardon me for my earthy language, but you are a fuckin' idiot"...or "you are a piss ant you rat bastard...pardon me for my earthy language, but that is how i feel"

i am going to have to employ this word for awhile...seeing as i am more than capable of using questionable language on a regular basis, this will definitely come in handy...

and unlike other apologies/excuses/etc. it is not only a dignified one, it can be used before or after the fact...a gem of a word indeed...

i'd like to believe should jane austen have been a bit more base in her nature, she would have definitely used earthy in exactly this manner...

moving right along...while perusing an oceanside yoga workout on the t.v. this morning i said the following to the duke

"good lord, i hope she finishes that workout before the tide comes in"

to which he replied in all seriousness and without removing his eyes glue to the t.v.

"i don't...i was hoping to see her get swept away"

now, what bothers me about this is not that he wants to see some poor unfortunate waif who is clearly too damned thin and must be a nut job to do yoga so close to the surf get swallowed up by the sea, but rather that he's perusing these workouts with me in the first place...this along with the each time a little slower than the last walk by the victoria's secret window, well, you get the picture...

i know you've heard this all before...but really, i don't want to think about it...this whole matter of "maturing"...i don't like the idea simply because i don't like the possibilities...sure it's a peek here and there today, eventually it's much much more...i don't like to imagine what's coming down the pike...i don't even like it when he picks out his own shirts (he loves turtlenecks, need i elaborate?) how in the hell am i going to even begin to appreciate his taste in a date?

i know i know, it's a LONG ways to go before the subject of dating comes up, but i have found in matters of the effects of aging and child rearing one can't be too early in the act of worrying...

and i have to say, what worries me most is my own past questionable judgment in what was and was not appropriate in matters of the heart coupled with his father's horrible taste in women...these may be so far ingrained in him there won't be much we can do except to apologize and hope to move forward...

though, for someone who does his fractions work in pen, i should probably begin to entertain the idea that he actually may know what he is doing when the time comes...

yeah, right...

x.

did you know the drink holders on treadmills can't hold beer bottles?...it's a wonder, really...

it seems after so long away i would have something interesting to say...i don't but i will sally forth and let's see what happens...probably i will mostly repeat myself as a way to tie together a bunch of random and not very interesting information...i got this trick from reading my horrible little twice weekly local paper...

but, i digress...

i do have an update on wingman and his teeth...we saw the big city dentist and the whole experience was very very pleasant...wingman has grown up a lot since his first vist back in august...and it helps that the new dentist's office is not filled with a bunch of yahoos who so clearly represent my demographic it's not one bit funny...

he's got two appointments coming up in the next few months...they won't be putting him under, rather they will do oral sedation instead...he will have cavities repaired and possibly capped in the bottom back, and most likely have to have his front four teeth pulled due to the advance of the decay...

obviously, we are hoping they can be capped and saved, but from what i understand from the dentist, this is a long shot...we aren't telling wingman yet until right before...i don't want him worrying over it longer than he needs to...that's my job...

and while they are not only across the pond but also out of our care provider network (read: this is gonna cost us) i feel very positive with the level of care provided...i'll keep you posted...

the holidays were good and now that they are over we are off and running into the new year...part of this new year new start deal required renting a 14 foot u-haul that we were able to FILL UP with garbage and goodwill donations...you read that right...14 feet of crap...it's a wonder, really...

in addition to the 14 feet of crap, we contacted junk my car dot com and they came and got our non working blue car and hauled it away...not before the tow truck got stuck in a ditch and had to wait three hours in front of my house to be towed out...i saw him down there, not totally realizing it was him, long before he called to say he would be late and i said

"i know i see you stuck in my ditch"

apparently, this bit of information was lost on him because then when he got pulled out, he spent a 1/2 hour driving up and down my road looking for my house...

it's a wonder, really...

it was kinda sad, watching the old blue car get hauled off...but really, if you think about it, one can't be too careful in the matter of combining rural property and non-working vehicles...today it's 14 feet of crap and one worn out vehicle, tomorrow, it's sanford and son...

crap and cars and cavities notwithstanding, this year has started off in a very positive manner...i feel optimistic about this year...about what it will bring, changes and stability alike...

and now, now i must go a recline in some fashion because i worked out today FOR AN HOUR and i think i may actually be dying...or i might just need a beer...

nice to see you, be good...

x.

peace on earth and pass the eggnog...

just running about ramping up for the christmas festivities on the horizon...

there is someone here fixing our heater, A REAL HEATER FIXER PERSON...GASP!...so at least my christmas wish of being warm may or may not come true...

i don't hear much banging or swearing, though...not a good sign...for some reason when i hear banging and swearing while home repair work is being done it puts me at ease...

professionals...whatever...

and of course the lord of the ring made his way back to us and will be home for a week after christmas...

really, what more could a girl ask for?

don't ask.

anyhow, i'm making martha's eggnog again this year...it calls for 3 cups of bourbon, 2 cups of cognac, and 1/2 a cup of rum...

and that's just my serving!...buh dump bump!

no really, when i first saw martha making it on t.v. years and years ago, she was pouring all this alcohol in and said

"now i know this seems like a lot of alcohol...but really, if you just think about it like adding extra vanilla to a recipe for the flavor it makes sense"

i've been making it ever since...

but now i must go to target and the craft store two days before christmas in a demographic that must be seen to be believed...

if you don't hear from me by monday you must assume that i have been brainwashed and abducted and am somewhere in a christmas themed sweatshirt drinking some concoction of hot apple flavored liquor mixed with sprite and topped with whipped cream and gathered around an only slightly thawed sheet cake from the freezer where it's been staying since being leftover from my *new* sister in law's wedding the summer before that someone has cleverly written "happy birthday jesus!" on and because i've never gotten to before, they let ME light the candles!...then we all sing happy birthday to jesus and everyone claps...only the joke's on jesus because we get all the gifts...

happy kwanzaa
merry christmas
happy hanukkah

x.

oh. my. god.

so we have this advent calendar that i bought the year of the duke's first christmas...

as wingman got older, it became a fight as to who would open it each day...you'd think that the switching off of each day would work, but you think a lot of things and then you have kids and realize that you don't know doodly squat about anything...

so i thought i'd be brilliant this year and put out the traditional calendar PLUS get them each their own calendar with the chocolates inside!...

seemed like an easy solution...

except.

except, every morning since december 1st WITHOUT FAIL one of them in their excitement will blurt out what the chocolate shape is before the other one has even gotten theirs out...

and then all hell breaks loose...i bet intake at guantanamo bay is quieter than this...

when the duke blurts it out wingman just falls down into loud and dark and heaving sobs...

when wingman blurts it out the duke starts shouting and carrying on about the injustice of it all...also very loudly...

and so every morning since december 1st it's a jerry springer show in my living room...insults and hurts and sobs and shouts...if they could pick up and throw the chairs in there i'm sure they would...

and yes, there is always, at some point, an out of shape and angry and shouting woman in ill-fitting clothes involved...

and this was my *brilliant* plan...i'd hate to see what plan b might have been...

in other dentistry news we have decided that we are dealing with a buncha yahoos...duh...and this time i don't mean my kids...i have solicited advice from far and wide and have come to the conclusion that we will explore our options for taking him to a dentist at the children's hospital in the big city...

i don't know if we'll get an appointment or what my insurance will do or what...but it's a first step towards something i feel a bit better about...our insurance refused to pay for any of the hospital portion, but that might just have to be how it is...

i don't want to think about it but i have to...i am certain his teeth are only getting worse and obviously we want this resolved as quickly as possible...

i say as my son is chowing down on advent calendar chocolate first thing each morning...

in more uplifting news, today is the winter solstice...

as the sun comes creeping back, so too does hope...and as usual, just in the nick of time...

and hopefully i really can lay the past resentments of this year to rest and concentrate on what lies ahead...

so light every candle or even just one and give blessings to the return of the light...and while you're at it, give thanks for the dark too, as without it the light wouldn't mean half as much...

blessed be, x.

it's been cancelled...

after CALLING AT BEDTIME giving me ANOTHER 11th hour run around about my insurance that i had FIRMLY SETTLED more than a month ago and giving me a near panic attack with the bullshit of who will pay and who won't and who said what and THEN getting me between a rock and a hard place so they can pirate me outta a LOT of cash up front they call back two hours later to CANCEL because the doctor doing the anesthesia has an out of state emergency...

this is getting very old.

this is making me very old.

somebody better put me under and hook me up because i am about to lose it.

he's four for gawd's sakes!...how in the hell can i keep gearing him up for something hellish and awful then calling it off?...

at least the winter solstice comes wednesday and there is hope...but until then i will pray for patience and understanding and whatever it is that will keep me from calling the woman at the dentist's office who let this get so screwed up in the first place even before the doctor cancelled and letting her know just exactly where she can put her forms...in triplicate...

thank you all for your good vibes...i will no doubt be soliciting them again soon...

x.

wingman has his surgery tomorrow...

bah.

he is going in at 7:30 in the morning to have his dental surgery...he will be under general anesthesia for an hour to an hour and a half...the whole being put under thing is so worrisome...

i can be with him until he falls asleep then i have to go wait until it's all over...do i need to tell you this makes me crazy?...

it needs to be done, but i am still worried...

could you all send some good vibes to wingman tomorrow and keep him in your thoughts and prayers?...

it would mean a lot to me and hopefully counter act all my worrying...

x.