just running about ramping up for the christmas festivities on the horizon...
there is someone here fixing our heater, A REAL HEATER FIXER PERSON...GASP!...so at least my christmas wish of being warm may or may not come true...
i don't hear much banging or swearing, though...not a good sign...for some reason when i hear banging and swearing while home repair work is being done it puts me at ease...
professionals...whatever...
and of course the lord of the ring made his way back to us and will be home for a week after christmas...
really, what more could a girl ask for?
don't ask.
anyhow, i'm making martha's eggnog again this year...it calls for 3 cups of bourbon, 2 cups of cognac, and 1/2 a cup of rum...
and that's just my serving!...buh dump bump!
no really, when i first saw martha making it on t.v. years and years ago, she was pouring all this alcohol in and said
"now i know this seems like a lot of alcohol...but really, if you just think about it like adding extra vanilla to a recipe for the flavor it makes sense"
i've been making it ever since...
but now i must go to target and the craft store two days before christmas in a demographic that must be seen to be believed...
if you don't hear from me by monday you must assume that i have been brainwashed and abducted and am somewhere in a christmas themed sweatshirt drinking some concoction of hot apple flavored liquor mixed with sprite and topped with whipped cream and gathered around an only slightly thawed sheet cake from the freezer where it's been staying since being leftover from my *new* sister in law's wedding the summer before that someone has cleverly written "happy birthday jesus!" on and because i've never gotten to before, they let ME light the candles!...then we all sing happy birthday to jesus and everyone claps...only the joke's on jesus because we get all the gifts...
happy kwanzaa
merry christmas
happy hanukkah
x.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
oh. my. god.
so we have this advent calendar that i bought the year of the duke's first christmas...
as wingman got older, it became a fight as to who would open it each day...you'd think that the switching off of each day would work, but you think a lot of things and then you have kids and realize that you don't know doodly squat about anything...
so i thought i'd be brilliant this year and put out the traditional calendar PLUS get them each their own calendar with the chocolates inside!...
seemed like an easy solution...
except.
except, every morning since december 1st WITHOUT FAIL one of them in their excitement will blurt out what the chocolate shape is before the other one has even gotten theirs out...
and then all hell breaks loose...i bet intake at guantanamo bay is quieter than this...
when the duke blurts it out wingman just falls down into loud and dark and heaving sobs...
when wingman blurts it out the duke starts shouting and carrying on about the injustice of it all...also very loudly...
and so every morning since december 1st it's a jerry springer show in my living room...insults and hurts and sobs and shouts...if they could pick up and throw the chairs in there i'm sure they would...
and yes, there is always, at some point, an out of shape and angry and shouting woman in ill-fitting clothes involved...
and this was my *brilliant* plan...i'd hate to see what plan b might have been...
in other dentistry news we have decided that we are dealing with a buncha yahoos...duh...and this time i don't mean my kids...i have solicited advice from far and wide and have come to the conclusion that we will explore our options for taking him to a dentist at the children's hospital in the big city...
i don't know if we'll get an appointment or what my insurance will do or what...but it's a first step towards something i feel a bit better about...our insurance refused to pay for any of the hospital portion, but that might just have to be how it is...
i don't want to think about it but i have to...i am certain his teeth are only getting worse and obviously we want this resolved as quickly as possible...
i say as my son is chowing down on advent calendar chocolate first thing each morning...
in more uplifting news, today is the winter solstice...
as the sun comes creeping back, so too does hope...and as usual, just in the nick of time...
and hopefully i really can lay the past resentments of this year to rest and concentrate on what lies ahead...
so light every candle or even just one and give blessings to the return of the light...and while you're at it, give thanks for the dark too, as without it the light wouldn't mean half as much...
blessed be, x.
as wingman got older, it became a fight as to who would open it each day...you'd think that the switching off of each day would work, but you think a lot of things and then you have kids and realize that you don't know doodly squat about anything...
so i thought i'd be brilliant this year and put out the traditional calendar PLUS get them each their own calendar with the chocolates inside!...
seemed like an easy solution...
except.
except, every morning since december 1st WITHOUT FAIL one of them in their excitement will blurt out what the chocolate shape is before the other one has even gotten theirs out...
and then all hell breaks loose...i bet intake at guantanamo bay is quieter than this...
when the duke blurts it out wingman just falls down into loud and dark and heaving sobs...
when wingman blurts it out the duke starts shouting and carrying on about the injustice of it all...also very loudly...
and so every morning since december 1st it's a jerry springer show in my living room...insults and hurts and sobs and shouts...if they could pick up and throw the chairs in there i'm sure they would...
and yes, there is always, at some point, an out of shape and angry and shouting woman in ill-fitting clothes involved...
and this was my *brilliant* plan...i'd hate to see what plan b might have been...
in other dentistry news we have decided that we are dealing with a buncha yahoos...duh...and this time i don't mean my kids...i have solicited advice from far and wide and have come to the conclusion that we will explore our options for taking him to a dentist at the children's hospital in the big city...
i don't know if we'll get an appointment or what my insurance will do or what...but it's a first step towards something i feel a bit better about...our insurance refused to pay for any of the hospital portion, but that might just have to be how it is...
i don't want to think about it but i have to...i am certain his teeth are only getting worse and obviously we want this resolved as quickly as possible...
i say as my son is chowing down on advent calendar chocolate first thing each morning...
in more uplifting news, today is the winter solstice...
as the sun comes creeping back, so too does hope...and as usual, just in the nick of time...
and hopefully i really can lay the past resentments of this year to rest and concentrate on what lies ahead...
so light every candle or even just one and give blessings to the return of the light...and while you're at it, give thanks for the dark too, as without it the light wouldn't mean half as much...
blessed be, x.
Monday, December 19, 2005
it's been cancelled...
after CALLING AT BEDTIME giving me ANOTHER 11th hour run around about my insurance that i had FIRMLY SETTLED more than a month ago and giving me a near panic attack with the bullshit of who will pay and who won't and who said what and THEN getting me between a rock and a hard place so they can pirate me outta a LOT of cash up front they call back two hours later to CANCEL because the doctor doing the anesthesia has an out of state emergency...
this is getting very old.
this is making me very old.
somebody better put me under and hook me up because i am about to lose it.
he's four for gawd's sakes!...how in the hell can i keep gearing him up for something hellish and awful then calling it off?...
at least the winter solstice comes wednesday and there is hope...but until then i will pray for patience and understanding and whatever it is that will keep me from calling the woman at the dentist's office who let this get so screwed up in the first place even before the doctor cancelled and letting her know just exactly where she can put her forms...in triplicate...
thank you all for your good vibes...i will no doubt be soliciting them again soon...
x.
this is getting very old.
this is making me very old.
somebody better put me under and hook me up because i am about to lose it.
he's four for gawd's sakes!...how in the hell can i keep gearing him up for something hellish and awful then calling it off?...
at least the winter solstice comes wednesday and there is hope...but until then i will pray for patience and understanding and whatever it is that will keep me from calling the woman at the dentist's office who let this get so screwed up in the first place even before the doctor cancelled and letting her know just exactly where she can put her forms...in triplicate...
thank you all for your good vibes...i will no doubt be soliciting them again soon...
x.
wingman has his surgery tomorrow...
bah.
he is going in at 7:30 in the morning to have his dental surgery...he will be under general anesthesia for an hour to an hour and a half...the whole being put under thing is so worrisome...
i can be with him until he falls asleep then i have to go wait until it's all over...do i need to tell you this makes me crazy?...
it needs to be done, but i am still worried...
could you all send some good vibes to wingman tomorrow and keep him in your thoughts and prayers?...
it would mean a lot to me and hopefully counter act all my worrying...
x.
he is going in at 7:30 in the morning to have his dental surgery...he will be under general anesthesia for an hour to an hour and a half...the whole being put under thing is so worrisome...
i can be with him until he falls asleep then i have to go wait until it's all over...do i need to tell you this makes me crazy?...
it needs to be done, but i am still worried...
could you all send some good vibes to wingman tomorrow and keep him in your thoughts and prayers?...
it would mean a lot to me and hopefully counter act all my worrying...
x.
Friday, December 16, 2005
it's friday, it's sunny and freezing, and it's totally jive ass to be out in the middle of nowhere by yourself...
without going into great and in the end boring detail, the last two weeks of during the week single parenting have brought the year of during the week single parenting to a head...
in the normal day to day of caring for the boybarians, a hundred year old house, and my own at times grandiose yet fragile psyche i have had to involve the assistance of professionals on the outside...
namely the fire department and the emergency room...
both cases were false alarms...both cases were clearly, as i look back on them, scary and warranted action, but in the end were quote unquote nothing...
which has left me with the wondering of what is the lesson here?...because i am not usually given to "over reacting" in that manner, okay maybe i am...though i don't like the idea that i was "over reacting"...because when you are scared and are the only decision making person around, it's demeaning to label your decision as an "over reaction"...BUT i am NOT given to calling in the cavalry unless really really really needed...which is rare...
but these past two weeks i did...and might i just interject here that i would rather see the sea of hunky firemen in my driveway with understanding and sympathetic faces (one of them even touched me!!! oh joy oh rapturous joy!! who doesn't love a fireman!) than the condescending emergency room doctor who clearly thought i was not only wasting his time but was probably doing it on purpose...he was, and i quote, a dick...
anyhow, it's not rocket science...people need other people around...especially when raising kids...and i don't mean you *need* to be married or have a partner, although isn't it nice when it works that way, i just mean there *needs* to people around...somewhere...
there is safety and a measure of sanity in numbers...well, depends on who makes up the numbers...at the very least there is someone to hold the kid when your arm gets to tired or to pour you a drink and sit with you while you drink it...to tell you you don't need the fire department you just need to do *this* or to sit with one boybarian while you take the other to the hospital in the middle of the night so everyone isn't out in the below freezing weather at all hours of the night...
i know far too many who don't have this on a regular basis...i am lucky that i have it when i do...and please do not mistake this as a complaint against the lord of the ring...because this situation too, shall pass...and above all, because he is a wonderful husband and father...the hardest workin' man in show business...
in the meantime, the new year approaches and i know i must do something differently...more than the usual resolutions of getting in shape, being nicer to parking attendants, trying to get out of pajamas before noon, refraining from making phone calls while drunk...you know, the standard...
no, this year i will add to the list...create a community...that's it...create a community...and i don't know how and it probably won't be easy in the demographic i live in, but i'll try...
i must remember that even though i sometimes feel like it, no man is an island...just so you know, i feel like the island, not the man...i don't like to mess around with quotes just for gender equity...it's just wrong...though i must say i'd like to be an island in that sea of firemen...oh, wait, did i just say that out loud?...
yesterday the lord of the ring and i celebrated the 11th anniversary of our first date...and as he was pulling a 15 hour day in los angeles and i was pulling a 15 hour day here, we have to wait to celebrate it together...
luckily we have all the time in the world...
enjoy your weekend...
x.
in the normal day to day of caring for the boybarians, a hundred year old house, and my own at times grandiose yet fragile psyche i have had to involve the assistance of professionals on the outside...
namely the fire department and the emergency room...
both cases were false alarms...both cases were clearly, as i look back on them, scary and warranted action, but in the end were quote unquote nothing...
which has left me with the wondering of what is the lesson here?...because i am not usually given to "over reacting" in that manner, okay maybe i am...though i don't like the idea that i was "over reacting"...because when you are scared and are the only decision making person around, it's demeaning to label your decision as an "over reaction"...BUT i am NOT given to calling in the cavalry unless really really really needed...which is rare...
but these past two weeks i did...and might i just interject here that i would rather see the sea of hunky firemen in my driveway with understanding and sympathetic faces (one of them even touched me!!! oh joy oh rapturous joy!! who doesn't love a fireman!) than the condescending emergency room doctor who clearly thought i was not only wasting his time but was probably doing it on purpose...he was, and i quote, a dick...
anyhow, it's not rocket science...people need other people around...especially when raising kids...and i don't mean you *need* to be married or have a partner, although isn't it nice when it works that way, i just mean there *needs* to people around...somewhere...
there is safety and a measure of sanity in numbers...well, depends on who makes up the numbers...at the very least there is someone to hold the kid when your arm gets to tired or to pour you a drink and sit with you while you drink it...to tell you you don't need the fire department you just need to do *this* or to sit with one boybarian while you take the other to the hospital in the middle of the night so everyone isn't out in the below freezing weather at all hours of the night...
i know far too many who don't have this on a regular basis...i am lucky that i have it when i do...and please do not mistake this as a complaint against the lord of the ring...because this situation too, shall pass...and above all, because he is a wonderful husband and father...the hardest workin' man in show business...
in the meantime, the new year approaches and i know i must do something differently...more than the usual resolutions of getting in shape, being nicer to parking attendants, trying to get out of pajamas before noon, refraining from making phone calls while drunk...you know, the standard...
no, this year i will add to the list...create a community...that's it...create a community...and i don't know how and it probably won't be easy in the demographic i live in, but i'll try...
i must remember that even though i sometimes feel like it, no man is an island...just so you know, i feel like the island, not the man...i don't like to mess around with quotes just for gender equity...it's just wrong...though i must say i'd like to be an island in that sea of firemen...oh, wait, did i just say that out loud?...
yesterday the lord of the ring and i celebrated the 11th anniversary of our first date...and as he was pulling a 15 hour day in los angeles and i was pulling a 15 hour day here, we have to wait to celebrate it together...
luckily we have all the time in the world...
enjoy your weekend...
x.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
a wordy post about words...
this time of year always brings me back to two words that have so completely been flipped in their respective meanings by a large part of our society...you hear them correctly used in christmas carols, yet in today's culture they cause pause or giggles...
terrific and gay...
i know, sounds like the name of a particularly interesting blog, but i don't mean them together...
not that they can't or aren't used together, just for the purposes of this post i use them separately as examples of the same problem...
but, i defensively politically correctly digress...
the issue is their original definitions and usage, and how they are defined and used today...
take for instance terrific...the original and continued definition of
terrific adj. very bad
terrific means very bad...sure there are other definitions that suggest otherwise and its colloquial usage suggests otherwise but it is there in black and white that it means very bad!...the first definition...it is a derivitive of terrificus (latin) meaning frightful...
so when you hear
"gee the traffic is terrific" in song, it really means "good lord look at that traffic jam we'll never get there why in the hell do we go through this every goddamned year JUST to get to your mother's house and endure your awful relatives and the horrible food and your boozy grabby aunts! this is just TERRIFIC!! TERRIFIC i tell ya!!"
now gay...we all know what gay means...but the original definition is
gay adj. happily excited; merry
it isn't even until the 4th definition or so that homosexual is attached to gay...but there are hints and whispers round about the third definition when we get "given to social pleasure; licentious" (which is a REALLY great word...you should look it up)
so when we are told "don we now our gay apparel" we must imagine a bunch of people festively dressed for a night of holiday merriment...standard christmas lingo and nothing more...
though i'd really like to know what don is wearing...he he ho ho ho...
now that that's out of my little "box of slightly annoying yet completely irrelevant thoughts" i can move on...
word of the week!
a new installment i bring to you...i say "week" but in my own little world that really doesn't mean anything as far as an *actual* time frame when you can reasonably count on seeing it...
anyway...
word of the week is dedicated to the lord of the ring's mother, the artist formally known as many different things but is currently known as damma dinny...
now t.a.f.k.a.m.d.t.b.i.c.k.a. damma dinny used a word last night in conversation that makes me remember why it is i love language so much...
in the context of a conversation about this country's health care crisis, t.a.f.k.a.m.d.t.b.i.c.k.a. damma dinny used the word
jive ass
okay so it's two words...but really? jive ass?...is that not one of the ALL TIME GREATEST words in the history of words!?!... and i haven't heard it in so long it's like meeting up with a long lost friend for a couple of beers!...i LOVE this word!! (okay, these words)
jive ass...i could say it all day, i really could...and as a prize, to no one but myself really, for winning word of the week i commit to using jive ass in conversation for the next bit of time AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!
i should be very interesting to talk with for about the next week or so...though christmas is coming up and there is an audience I MEAN GATHERING so i may have to extend the time frame of the prize for a bit longer...
it's like a christmas gift that keeps on giving...
i haven't abandoned $1 menu tao but sadly i am out of time for today...
i wonder if you'd find jive ass in the tao te ching?
you know it's in the bible though!...but i think it's pronounced differently...hmmm, i'll have to ask mel gibson about that...
x.
terrific and gay...
i know, sounds like the name of a particularly interesting blog, but i don't mean them together...
not that they can't or aren't used together, just for the purposes of this post i use them separately as examples of the same problem...
but, i defensively politically correctly digress...
the issue is their original definitions and usage, and how they are defined and used today...
take for instance terrific...the original and continued definition of
terrific adj. very bad
terrific means very bad...sure there are other definitions that suggest otherwise and its colloquial usage suggests otherwise but it is there in black and white that it means very bad!...the first definition...it is a derivitive of terrificus (latin) meaning frightful...
so when you hear
"gee the traffic is terrific" in song, it really means "good lord look at that traffic jam we'll never get there why in the hell do we go through this every goddamned year JUST to get to your mother's house and endure your awful relatives and the horrible food and your boozy grabby aunts! this is just TERRIFIC!! TERRIFIC i tell ya!!"
now gay...we all know what gay means...but the original definition is
gay adj. happily excited; merry
it isn't even until the 4th definition or so that homosexual is attached to gay...but there are hints and whispers round about the third definition when we get "given to social pleasure; licentious" (which is a REALLY great word...you should look it up)
so when we are told "don we now our gay apparel" we must imagine a bunch of people festively dressed for a night of holiday merriment...standard christmas lingo and nothing more...
though i'd really like to know what don is wearing...he he ho ho ho...
now that that's out of my little "box of slightly annoying yet completely irrelevant thoughts" i can move on...
word of the week!
a new installment i bring to you...i say "week" but in my own little world that really doesn't mean anything as far as an *actual* time frame when you can reasonably count on seeing it...
anyway...
word of the week is dedicated to the lord of the ring's mother, the artist formally known as many different things but is currently known as damma dinny...
now t.a.f.k.a.m.d.t.b.i.c.k.a. damma dinny used a word last night in conversation that makes me remember why it is i love language so much...
in the context of a conversation about this country's health care crisis, t.a.f.k.a.m.d.t.b.i.c.k.a. damma dinny used the word
jive ass
okay so it's two words...but really? jive ass?...is that not one of the ALL TIME GREATEST words in the history of words!?!... and i haven't heard it in so long it's like meeting up with a long lost friend for a couple of beers!...i LOVE this word!! (okay, these words)
jive ass...i could say it all day, i really could...and as a prize, to no one but myself really, for winning word of the week i commit to using jive ass in conversation for the next bit of time AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!
i should be very interesting to talk with for about the next week or so...though christmas is coming up and there is an audience I MEAN GATHERING so i may have to extend the time frame of the prize for a bit longer...
it's like a christmas gift that keeps on giving...
i haven't abandoned $1 menu tao but sadly i am out of time for today...
i wonder if you'd find jive ass in the tao te ching?
you know it's in the bible though!...but i think it's pronounced differently...hmmm, i'll have to ask mel gibson about that...
x.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
our lady of guadalupe...
yesterday was the catholic feast day for our lady of guadalupe...
while i am not catholic, guadalupe is one of my all time favorites and constants...she brings me comfort daily, but i especially like to think of her on december, 12th...
in fact, the only photo i have of the lord of the ring and me (and i know that sounds like it should be the lord of the ring and *i* but i am just now teaching compound subjects and compound objects to the duke and it is in fact grammatically correct...even though i fall quite short in any sort of traditional rules of written communication, i do feel the need to attempt to practice what i teach...but, i digress)
so the photo in question is the *only* photo ever taken of the lord of the ring and me before i got pregnant the first time...which is only a distinction of any importance in that we actually look like *us*, rather than the shiny faced and sturdy peasant girl and the beefy marine that we somehow morphed into during pictures of my pregnancy and beyond...AND it just happens to be taken in mexico in front of the church of our lady of guadalupe in ON december, 12th!!..
ANYHOW, continuing on with why i am writing this post other than i LOVE guadalupe, is that i am preparing a meal in honor of the feast day...only it's a day late due to the fact that i am about a day late in life right now...
we are having
chicken and cheese tamales
rice and beans
guacamole
salsa
chips
and for desert homemade mexican hot chocolate and pastelitas de boda or mexican wedding cakes...which are actually cookies...they are so easy and so delicious...
i am preparing everything from scratch which only gives me pause when i think of the tamales...i have never made tamales and have always wanted to...i am a bit nervous about getting the wrapping right, but i chose the largest of the dried husks i got and feel like if i give myself plenty of room to work with i'll get the hang of it...that's the hope, anyway...
i've got the beans cooking and the husks soaking and the chicken is already done and ready to go for the tamales...but there's still everything to do...
i hope you enjoy the day and i will include you in my prayers of thanksgiving to guadalupe...
x.
while i am not catholic, guadalupe is one of my all time favorites and constants...she brings me comfort daily, but i especially like to think of her on december, 12th...
in fact, the only photo i have of the lord of the ring and me (and i know that sounds like it should be the lord of the ring and *i* but i am just now teaching compound subjects and compound objects to the duke and it is in fact grammatically correct...even though i fall quite short in any sort of traditional rules of written communication, i do feel the need to attempt to practice what i teach...but, i digress)
so the photo in question is the *only* photo ever taken of the lord of the ring and me before i got pregnant the first time...which is only a distinction of any importance in that we actually look like *us*, rather than the shiny faced and sturdy peasant girl and the beefy marine that we somehow morphed into during pictures of my pregnancy and beyond...AND it just happens to be taken in mexico in front of the church of our lady of guadalupe in ON december, 12th!!..
ANYHOW, continuing on with why i am writing this post other than i LOVE guadalupe, is that i am preparing a meal in honor of the feast day...only it's a day late due to the fact that i am about a day late in life right now...
we are having
chicken and cheese tamales
rice and beans
guacamole
salsa
chips
and for desert homemade mexican hot chocolate and pastelitas de boda or mexican wedding cakes...which are actually cookies...they are so easy and so delicious...
i am preparing everything from scratch which only gives me pause when i think of the tamales...i have never made tamales and have always wanted to...i am a bit nervous about getting the wrapping right, but i chose the largest of the dried husks i got and feel like if i give myself plenty of room to work with i'll get the hang of it...that's the hope, anyway...
i've got the beans cooking and the husks soaking and the chicken is already done and ready to go for the tamales...but there's still everything to do...
i hope you enjoy the day and i will include you in my prayers of thanksgiving to guadalupe...
x.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
alles gute zum geburtstag!
today i will cook my father a birthday dinner in honor of his birthday this saturday...
in celebration of his his german heritage i am making the following:
rouladen
sauteed red cabbage
potato dumplings
sour cream gravy
german chocolate cake
and to round it all out a delicious and heady german beer served up in big old heavy steins...
now the cake has already surprised me in that when i think of german chocolate cake for some reason i always remember it as being kind of a heavy or dense cake...but it's not...the batter ends up being so very light in color, and the way it is constructed with a gentle folding of egg whites in at the end makes it a very light and almost fragile batter...regardless of the cup of butter!...
it also calls for a tablespoon of baking soda which seems like a lot, but works in giving the cakes that *fuzzy* kinda acidy chocolaty taste we associate with a german chocolate cake...
and seeing as the recipe for the frosting calls for 8 egg yolks and does a 10 minute cooking stirring kinda thing, not to mention the addition of neary 2 cups each of coconut and pecans i do believe it is the frosting that gives german chocolate cake it's heavy quality...
(i could make a really great joke here, but alas i am out of time for such pursuits)
today is also the birthday of le petit prince!!!...my darling little godson is a year old today and couldn't be more charming if he tried...of course with his parents he couldn't be anything but charming...and slightly off his rocker...
i have a child to collect from preschool, a child to haul through the rest of the school day, a latin test to administer, a frosting to make and a dinner to assemble so i am off...
enjoy the day and i'll save you a piece of cake!
x.
in celebration of his his german heritage i am making the following:
rouladen
sauteed red cabbage
potato dumplings
sour cream gravy
german chocolate cake
and to round it all out a delicious and heady german beer served up in big old heavy steins...
now the cake has already surprised me in that when i think of german chocolate cake for some reason i always remember it as being kind of a heavy or dense cake...but it's not...the batter ends up being so very light in color, and the way it is constructed with a gentle folding of egg whites in at the end makes it a very light and almost fragile batter...regardless of the cup of butter!...
it also calls for a tablespoon of baking soda which seems like a lot, but works in giving the cakes that *fuzzy* kinda acidy chocolaty taste we associate with a german chocolate cake...
and seeing as the recipe for the frosting calls for 8 egg yolks and does a 10 minute cooking stirring kinda thing, not to mention the addition of neary 2 cups each of coconut and pecans i do believe it is the frosting that gives german chocolate cake it's heavy quality...
(i could make a really great joke here, but alas i am out of time for such pursuits)
today is also the birthday of le petit prince!!!...my darling little godson is a year old today and couldn't be more charming if he tried...of course with his parents he couldn't be anything but charming...and slightly off his rocker...
i have a child to collect from preschool, a child to haul through the rest of the school day, a latin test to administer, a frosting to make and a dinner to assemble so i am off...
enjoy the day and i'll save you a piece of cake!
x.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
lying and why you should do as i say and not as i do...
i lied to wingman the other evening and was questioned by the duke about it...
"mama, you lied to him"
now see here is one of those moments in parenting when you can go one of many ways...you can do the whole huffy puffy i am the parent do not question me! way or you can be an actual adult about it...
something i am not too familiar with, this being an adult thing...
but i gave it a shot...
"you're right i did lie...i told what i would call a white lie...it's when you tell someone something that is definitely not true, but does not harm them and in fact may spare them some pain"
"but it's still lying"
no flies on you, kid...
"yep, you're right...it is still lying...but as a parent and an adult sometimes you have to make a decision to bend the rules a bit...it's something you have to earn...wingman wanted to stay up and watch t.v with you...by telling him you weren't going to watch t.v he was satisfied he wasn't missing out...if he knew you were watching good eats and he had to go to bed he would be very sad and cry himself to sleep...he's tired and doesn't feel well and misses papa, i want him to go to bed and get some rest...not cry himself to sleep"
"so you told him that so he wouldn't be sad"
"right, it's still a lie...it still is not right, but it's a decision i felt i could make...because i am an adult and a mama and i was concerned for his feelings"
that seemed to be it for now...
accountability...wow, as these kids get older they really come into their own in the bullshit detector department...it's frightening this idea that i must be accountable as a human to my kids...
we assume as parents that we are *in charge*...and that's just the way it is...but it isn't...it isn't as kids grow and mature just like we want them to do....work so hard for them to do...but as they grow into their own people, they become part of the family in a way they weren't as babies and toddlers and little kids...they become part of the community of family...we expect accountability from them, and they expect it from us...
and this is how it *should* be (in my humble opinion) in a family...every one is accountable and therefore responsible for their own behavior...it's what makes a family work...
but it doesn't mean i like it...i don't like being under a microscope...i don't like being questioned or judged or told what to do or have any kind of comments made about my behavior or how i conduct my parenting, etc...
basically i am bitchy and controlling with a very healthy ego and my children's adolescence will likely kill me...
moving right along to today's $1 menu tao
time
the river, surging course,
uninterrupted current.
headwater, channel, mouth.
can they be divided?
each moment, whether it be from the past, the present, or the future is all part of a whole...we need the balance that comes from the continual flow of time...just as a river cannot be divided, nor can time be...
how do we know where we're going if we don't know where we've been and where we may end up?...
i would very much like to have a conversation with bush and cheney about this very subject...
that and how they manage to survive the adolescence of their own used to be teenaged children...i don't know much about cheney's kids but good lord those bush twins seem like they were quite a "handful"...
happy st. nicholas day...patron saint of children and all around good guy...in honor of him, go do something nice for someone today...
x.
p.s. don't forget a charlie brown christmas is on tonight at 8pm on ABC...it would NOT be christmas without it!
"mama, you lied to him"
now see here is one of those moments in parenting when you can go one of many ways...you can do the whole huffy puffy i am the parent do not question me! way or you can be an actual adult about it...
something i am not too familiar with, this being an adult thing...
but i gave it a shot...
"you're right i did lie...i told what i would call a white lie...it's when you tell someone something that is definitely not true, but does not harm them and in fact may spare them some pain"
"but it's still lying"
no flies on you, kid...
"yep, you're right...it is still lying...but as a parent and an adult sometimes you have to make a decision to bend the rules a bit...it's something you have to earn...wingman wanted to stay up and watch t.v with you...by telling him you weren't going to watch t.v he was satisfied he wasn't missing out...if he knew you were watching good eats and he had to go to bed he would be very sad and cry himself to sleep...he's tired and doesn't feel well and misses papa, i want him to go to bed and get some rest...not cry himself to sleep"
"so you told him that so he wouldn't be sad"
"right, it's still a lie...it still is not right, but it's a decision i felt i could make...because i am an adult and a mama and i was concerned for his feelings"
that seemed to be it for now...
accountability...wow, as these kids get older they really come into their own in the bullshit detector department...it's frightening this idea that i must be accountable as a human to my kids...
we assume as parents that we are *in charge*...and that's just the way it is...but it isn't...it isn't as kids grow and mature just like we want them to do....work so hard for them to do...but as they grow into their own people, they become part of the family in a way they weren't as babies and toddlers and little kids...they become part of the community of family...we expect accountability from them, and they expect it from us...
and this is how it *should* be (in my humble opinion) in a family...every one is accountable and therefore responsible for their own behavior...it's what makes a family work...
but it doesn't mean i like it...i don't like being under a microscope...i don't like being questioned or judged or told what to do or have any kind of comments made about my behavior or how i conduct my parenting, etc...
basically i am bitchy and controlling with a very healthy ego and my children's adolescence will likely kill me...
moving right along to today's $1 menu tao
time
the river, surging course,
uninterrupted current.
headwater, channel, mouth.
can they be divided?
each moment, whether it be from the past, the present, or the future is all part of a whole...we need the balance that comes from the continual flow of time...just as a river cannot be divided, nor can time be...
how do we know where we're going if we don't know where we've been and where we may end up?...
i would very much like to have a conversation with bush and cheney about this very subject...
that and how they manage to survive the adolescence of their own used to be teenaged children...i don't know much about cheney's kids but good lord those bush twins seem like they were quite a "handful"...
happy st. nicholas day...patron saint of children and all around good guy...in honor of him, go do something nice for someone today...
x.
p.s. don't forget a charlie brown christmas is on tonight at 8pm on ABC...it would NOT be christmas without it!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
go fish...
two new posts in two days!!!...where will the madness end!!!
i just want you all to know that when your child asks for a pet, say a dog or a cat or a hamster, be glad about their choices...my children, of course are whacked...
note the following conversation at breakfast this morning...
wingman: i wonder when we will get a new fish?
duke: mama, you know what pet i really want?
me: what?
duke: a ferret...i really really want a ferret
wingman: not me!
me: what do you want?
wingman: a macaw, of course
of course...because what child doesn't want a macaw?
a ferret and a macaw...now THAT'S what my life is missing!!!
good. lord.
and no way in hell am i going down the fish road again...the. worst. 9 cents i've ever spent...
so it's snowing A LOT and the boys are hoping there will be sledding in the back pasture today...could be enough by late afternoon...
in other news, do NOT make a whole batch of cinnamon sugar bread pudding in anticipation of sharing it with your husband IF said husband is a thousand and some change miles away...
trust me, it's an unwise plan at best...
today's $1 menu tao
positioning
heron stands in the blue estuary,
solitary, white, unmoving for hours.
a fish! quick avian darting;
the prey captured.
okay i got nothin'...because once again THE TAO KNOWS!!...i don't make this stuff up!!...it's there in it's order and it just always seems to fit because all i can see when i read this is the ferret and the macaw positioning themselves for the attack and i'm not quite sure who would come out the victor...a battle between a ferret and a macaw, hard to say but that would be something to see for sure...
which is making getting a fish look a WHOLE lot better...
which, in that round about way that all parenting roads wind eventually exiting at the lesser of two evils makes me look a WHOLE lot like the prey captured...
yup, that sounds about right...
x.
i just want you all to know that when your child asks for a pet, say a dog or a cat or a hamster, be glad about their choices...my children, of course are whacked...
note the following conversation at breakfast this morning...
wingman: i wonder when we will get a new fish?
duke: mama, you know what pet i really want?
me: what?
duke: a ferret...i really really want a ferret
wingman: not me!
me: what do you want?
wingman: a macaw, of course
of course...because what child doesn't want a macaw?
a ferret and a macaw...now THAT'S what my life is missing!!!
good. lord.
and no way in hell am i going down the fish road again...the. worst. 9 cents i've ever spent...
so it's snowing A LOT and the boys are hoping there will be sledding in the back pasture today...could be enough by late afternoon...
in other news, do NOT make a whole batch of cinnamon sugar bread pudding in anticipation of sharing it with your husband IF said husband is a thousand and some change miles away...
trust me, it's an unwise plan at best...
today's $1 menu tao
positioning
heron stands in the blue estuary,
solitary, white, unmoving for hours.
a fish! quick avian darting;
the prey captured.
okay i got nothin'...because once again THE TAO KNOWS!!...i don't make this stuff up!!...it's there in it's order and it just always seems to fit because all i can see when i read this is the ferret and the macaw positioning themselves for the attack and i'm not quite sure who would come out the victor...a battle between a ferret and a macaw, hard to say but that would be something to see for sure...
which is making getting a fish look a WHOLE lot better...
which, in that round about way that all parenting roads wind eventually exiting at the lesser of two evils makes me look a WHOLE lot like the prey captured...
yup, that sounds about right...
x.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
the cradle has been drinking...
recently wingman told me he wanted a bed for his *babies*...so i hauled out a beautiful wooden cradle we have that was handmade for the duke before he was born...
that was NEVER slept in, i might add...who really uses these things?...they are always so beautiful, these cradles and those floaty angelic looking bassinets...sure we know they won't accommodate any baby past the age of three months, but they seem necessary...it seems like a really good start for a baby, having this beautiful bed for them...even those of us who plan to co-sleep from the beginning...always placed just so in the room in anticipation, only to become an expensive catch-all for the requisite shit load of drugstore stuffed animals and slightly creepy looking dolls every kid seems to aquire before their first birthday...
anyway, so i haul out this beautiful handmade wooden cradle and of course it's already stuffed with animals and babies and slightly creepy looking dolls and the like and i drag it into the boys' room...
they both busy themselves getting reacquainted with old friends, and as the duke quickly loses interest, wingman continues rearranging all the babies...
later on i'm tucking the duke in and i step on something...i bend to pick it up
"what's this beer cap doing here?"
"oh, we found it in the cradle"
now somebody has been drinking and this time it's not me...because normally an errant beer cap is par for the course around here...BUT as we never really used the cradle and as it's been stored for more years than wingman's been alive, the whole matter is a bit fishy indeed...
plus, everybody knows when you're struggling with a squirmy baby a can is always easier to manage than a bottle...
i say either the cradle has been drinking or one of the animals have...my money's on the small but very plush and adorable green and white striped pig that rattles...despite his adorableness he was always passed over in favor of other animals...some of them decidedly more inferior in quality and looks...
really, who could blame the guy?...plus as cute as he is, that color green is soooo 90's...ignored and unfashionable...as good a reason to drink as i've ever seen...
though with his shape i'd switch to a lighter beer if i were him...
anyhow, here's some more sage advice from the duke...
"the trick to having a school for orphans is to make it fun!"
don't ask me. i just live here.
and moving right along, today's $1 menu tao
absorption
crimson light through pine shadows.
setting sun settling in the ocean.
night follows the setting sun,
day follows the fleeing moon.
absorption of anything is a process...you don't just absorb and there it stays...it continues on either in flow or in building to another level...
often we divorce ourselves from process of any kind in favor of instant results, or fear, or laziness...
but to enter into process is to absorb it...and that absorption becomes flow within us...and it moves us forward...
nothing worth doing is instant in its rewards or results...and it is the passage of time and steps taken and knowledge gained that bring us to where we need to be...
have a good day,
x.
p.s don't forget tonight starts off the highly anticipated television christmas season with rudolph the red-nosed raindeer at 8 pm on CBS...yes folks, rudolph, clarice, hermey, yukon cornelius and the big ol dentally challenged abominable snowman are back and they've got the lovable burl ives as sam the snowman in tow...NOT TO BE MISSED!
that was NEVER slept in, i might add...who really uses these things?...they are always so beautiful, these cradles and those floaty angelic looking bassinets...sure we know they won't accommodate any baby past the age of three months, but they seem necessary...it seems like a really good start for a baby, having this beautiful bed for them...even those of us who plan to co-sleep from the beginning...always placed just so in the room in anticipation, only to become an expensive catch-all for the requisite shit load of drugstore stuffed animals and slightly creepy looking dolls every kid seems to aquire before their first birthday...
anyway, so i haul out this beautiful handmade wooden cradle and of course it's already stuffed with animals and babies and slightly creepy looking dolls and the like and i drag it into the boys' room...
they both busy themselves getting reacquainted with old friends, and as the duke quickly loses interest, wingman continues rearranging all the babies...
later on i'm tucking the duke in and i step on something...i bend to pick it up
"what's this beer cap doing here?"
"oh, we found it in the cradle"
now somebody has been drinking and this time it's not me...because normally an errant beer cap is par for the course around here...BUT as we never really used the cradle and as it's been stored for more years than wingman's been alive, the whole matter is a bit fishy indeed...
plus, everybody knows when you're struggling with a squirmy baby a can is always easier to manage than a bottle...
i say either the cradle has been drinking or one of the animals have...my money's on the small but very plush and adorable green and white striped pig that rattles...despite his adorableness he was always passed over in favor of other animals...some of them decidedly more inferior in quality and looks...
really, who could blame the guy?...plus as cute as he is, that color green is soooo 90's...ignored and unfashionable...as good a reason to drink as i've ever seen...
though with his shape i'd switch to a lighter beer if i were him...
anyhow, here's some more sage advice from the duke...
"the trick to having a school for orphans is to make it fun!"
don't ask me. i just live here.
and moving right along, today's $1 menu tao
absorption
crimson light through pine shadows.
setting sun settling in the ocean.
night follows the setting sun,
day follows the fleeing moon.
absorption of anything is a process...you don't just absorb and there it stays...it continues on either in flow or in building to another level...
often we divorce ourselves from process of any kind in favor of instant results, or fear, or laziness...
but to enter into process is to absorb it...and that absorption becomes flow within us...and it moves us forward...
nothing worth doing is instant in its rewards or results...and it is the passage of time and steps taken and knowledge gained that bring us to where we need to be...
have a good day,
x.
p.s don't forget tonight starts off the highly anticipated television christmas season with rudolph the red-nosed raindeer at 8 pm on CBS...yes folks, rudolph, clarice, hermey, yukon cornelius and the big ol dentally challenged abominable snowman are back and they've got the lovable burl ives as sam the snowman in tow...NOT TO BE MISSED!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
a not so subtle sign that it just may be time to stop sharing a restroom stall with my 4 year old son...
"hey mama, are those new underwear?"
"um, no"
"huh, well they are nice"
x.
"um, no"
"huh, well they are nice"
x.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
swimming with spiders...
we are back to weeks without the lord of the ring and dealing with a coughy drippy illness that seems to want to settle in and not go away...
and i'm back to having to re-learn fractions in order to teach them to the duke...i'd rather eat sashimi in asia than do this...
after a lengthy math review (damn you summer break!) we are moving beyond the fractions we learned last year and if the duke knew just how few steps ahead i am of him he would be quite nervous to be sure...
in other news i have started to tune in more and more to some little voice that apparently lives in my head that has begun to chant over and over what are you doing with your life? shouldn't you be doing something?
i don't know why it is we listen to little voices in our heads...it should basically follow the whole don't talk to strangers principle...at the very least if you have a voice or voices in your head you should be less concerned about listening to them and more concerned that they exist in the first place...
anyhow, i have these voices and PLENTY of them...when i am sweeping the floor or making dinner or going over irregular plural possesive nouns or when i sit down to read a book or don't clean the living room or watch the mother across the road wait for her son to get on the school bus and then head for work in her suit and heels, briefcase and coffee cup...when i don't leave the house for days and yet don't see any reason to...when i listen to other people describe the stress they are under with a co-worker or work situation or how they can't find enough time in the day to spend with their kids because they have so many other people who need them too...
why does it seem everyone else is doing something except for me?...why do i think this?...because i know what i do is necessary and important, and i feel pretty busy with a full schedule and concerns of completing tasks as much as the next person...is it because i don't have to leave the house and i don't have to wear shoes and i don't get a paycheck to prove that i work?...
i don't feel the need to give y'all a daily schedule, but suffice it to say that i am concerned with job performance and deadlines and finding more time with my kids...i am concerned with getting here and there in a timely manner and the hang-ups and hold-ups that occur along the way...i too dream of one day giving it all up and changing course and doing something entirely different...and believe me there are days my *co-workers* make me postal and wish i worked in a different office...
and yet despite it all, i still have that what are you doing? going on underneath like a news update ticker on the bottom of the screen only the *news* is never updated...it's the same old tired story...what are you doing with your life? shouldn't you be doing something?
i don't know, this is mostly an unfinished conversation with myself...perhaps a bit too *journally* for my tastes...
but i will say this...and perhaps it's not exactly the most popular of opinions in the circle of which i choose to swim, but how i feel about this is not entirely due to how my role is viewed by society...because in the conversation of valuing non-traditional or too-traditional work, society and what society says or wants always comes up...and ultimately is to blame, yet i feel that largely society's view of what is important work and what is *not* (based on title, income, etc.) is a projection of how the workers themselves view their own jobs...what i mean to say in a very boiled down version is that until *i* as a stay at home homeschooling mother can learn to value and honor the work that i do, fully and truly without the niggling guilt and doubt that i *should* be *doing* something, i cannot expect society to...
and believe me, i fully realize what a circular issue this is...
and really, while i wouldn't have it any other way than i do right now, and while i really am not concerned with what society thinks of what i have chosen, i am obviously shaped by it or this conversation with myself wouldn't be happening in the least...
because i too would sure love a Paycheck and a Title and Prestige, something that *proves* i have been somewhere and done something and now i am being rewarded with a *job*...
"look over there, that's sillymortalmama"
"oh, what does she do?"
"she's the queen of prussia...went to school and everything"
"wow...that's a really pretty crown"
and now because i have no more blather with which to continue on with, i will share with you a workplace related story involving me and an associate...
so i'm in the tub taking my bath and wingman comes rushing in all upset and in a panic
"mama! mama! mama! there's a spider in my bowl of grapes!!"
he puts the bowl on the floor and backs away...
"well don't freak out, he's not going to eat them all...hey, don't just leave the bowl there hand it to me"
i'm thinking i'll trap it with the hair rinsing cup and the soap dish and take it outside after my bath...
meanwhile, he nudges the bowl to the tub with his foot and then picks it up with his hands and then gets freaked out and THROWS THE BOWL INTO THE TUB! GRAPES, SPIDER, AND ALL!!!
"oops!...mama, can i have more grapes?"
the office has NOTHING on us...really, we should get a film crew in here...
moving right along i have decided to cease to be amazed that the TAO CONTINUES TO KNOW ALL...
today's $1 menu tao
shaping
(can you see where this might be going...i told you, it's creepy, really)
potter at the wheel.
from centering to finished pot,
form increases as options decrease;
softness goes to hardness.
everything must be shaped...by time or circumstance, by our own selves or those on our path, everything has rough form and must be stretched and turned and shaped...as options decrease, hard forms increase...
all that we are and do come from shaping...it is a continual process...it is the beginning of all and without end...we must take care to recognize and heed our options when they do exist and to accept the hard forms as they come...
and no matter what, there's always more clay...
x.
and i'm back to having to re-learn fractions in order to teach them to the duke...i'd rather eat sashimi in asia than do this...
after a lengthy math review (damn you summer break!) we are moving beyond the fractions we learned last year and if the duke knew just how few steps ahead i am of him he would be quite nervous to be sure...
in other news i have started to tune in more and more to some little voice that apparently lives in my head that has begun to chant over and over what are you doing with your life? shouldn't you be doing something?
i don't know why it is we listen to little voices in our heads...it should basically follow the whole don't talk to strangers principle...at the very least if you have a voice or voices in your head you should be less concerned about listening to them and more concerned that they exist in the first place...
anyhow, i have these voices and PLENTY of them...when i am sweeping the floor or making dinner or going over irregular plural possesive nouns or when i sit down to read a book or don't clean the living room or watch the mother across the road wait for her son to get on the school bus and then head for work in her suit and heels, briefcase and coffee cup...when i don't leave the house for days and yet don't see any reason to...when i listen to other people describe the stress they are under with a co-worker or work situation or how they can't find enough time in the day to spend with their kids because they have so many other people who need them too...
why does it seem everyone else is doing something except for me?...why do i think this?...because i know what i do is necessary and important, and i feel pretty busy with a full schedule and concerns of completing tasks as much as the next person...is it because i don't have to leave the house and i don't have to wear shoes and i don't get a paycheck to prove that i work?...
i don't feel the need to give y'all a daily schedule, but suffice it to say that i am concerned with job performance and deadlines and finding more time with my kids...i am concerned with getting here and there in a timely manner and the hang-ups and hold-ups that occur along the way...i too dream of one day giving it all up and changing course and doing something entirely different...and believe me there are days my *co-workers* make me postal and wish i worked in a different office...
and yet despite it all, i still have that what are you doing? going on underneath like a news update ticker on the bottom of the screen only the *news* is never updated...it's the same old tired story...what are you doing with your life? shouldn't you be doing something?
i don't know, this is mostly an unfinished conversation with myself...perhaps a bit too *journally* for my tastes...
but i will say this...and perhaps it's not exactly the most popular of opinions in the circle of which i choose to swim, but how i feel about this is not entirely due to how my role is viewed by society...because in the conversation of valuing non-traditional or too-traditional work, society and what society says or wants always comes up...and ultimately is to blame, yet i feel that largely society's view of what is important work and what is *not* (based on title, income, etc.) is a projection of how the workers themselves view their own jobs...what i mean to say in a very boiled down version is that until *i* as a stay at home homeschooling mother can learn to value and honor the work that i do, fully and truly without the niggling guilt and doubt that i *should* be *doing* something, i cannot expect society to...
and believe me, i fully realize what a circular issue this is...
and really, while i wouldn't have it any other way than i do right now, and while i really am not concerned with what society thinks of what i have chosen, i am obviously shaped by it or this conversation with myself wouldn't be happening in the least...
because i too would sure love a Paycheck and a Title and Prestige, something that *proves* i have been somewhere and done something and now i am being rewarded with a *job*...
"look over there, that's sillymortalmama"
"oh, what does she do?"
"she's the queen of prussia...went to school and everything"
"wow...that's a really pretty crown"
and now because i have no more blather with which to continue on with, i will share with you a workplace related story involving me and an associate...
so i'm in the tub taking my bath and wingman comes rushing in all upset and in a panic
"mama! mama! mama! there's a spider in my bowl of grapes!!"
he puts the bowl on the floor and backs away...
"well don't freak out, he's not going to eat them all...hey, don't just leave the bowl there hand it to me"
i'm thinking i'll trap it with the hair rinsing cup and the soap dish and take it outside after my bath...
meanwhile, he nudges the bowl to the tub with his foot and then picks it up with his hands and then gets freaked out and THROWS THE BOWL INTO THE TUB! GRAPES, SPIDER, AND ALL!!!
"oops!...mama, can i have more grapes?"
the office has NOTHING on us...really, we should get a film crew in here...
moving right along i have decided to cease to be amazed that the TAO CONTINUES TO KNOW ALL...
today's $1 menu tao
shaping
(can you see where this might be going...i told you, it's creepy, really)
potter at the wheel.
from centering to finished pot,
form increases as options decrease;
softness goes to hardness.
everything must be shaped...by time or circumstance, by our own selves or those on our path, everything has rough form and must be stretched and turned and shaped...as options decrease, hard forms increase...
all that we are and do come from shaping...it is a continual process...it is the beginning of all and without end...we must take care to recognize and heed our options when they do exist and to accept the hard forms as they come...
and no matter what, there's always more clay...
x.
Monday, November 07, 2005
portrait of a marriage...
me: "why do you think it is that we never fight?"
husband: "i guess for me, ultimately it's that i respect your position"
me: "so basically what you're saying is that you're afraid of me"
i've often thought that the lord of the ring deserves a medal for his onging optimism, ultimate understanding, and patience...
but since he's spending the week in sunny southern california in a westin hotel "heavenly bed" and i'm sandwiched between stinky and his even clammier phlegm ridden hacking up a lung brother i think we can call it just about even...
today's $1 menu tao
healing
fire cools.
water seeks its own level.
eventually all extreme situations run their course and balance is restored...healing follows the upset cause by turbulence...it is this process of upset and balance upset and balance that brings movement...movement brings change, change brings healing, and healing brings balance...it is a process, a push and a pull...total balance all the time creates stasis...it is the cause and effect and the push and the pull of destruction and the subsequent healing that brings true balance...
above all, the wise are patient...
hmmm, this is interesting and so timely given the above recent conversation because apparently according to this the lord of the ring and i are doomed to stasis because we don't have enough turbulence...
i say fine by me...he was patient enough to wait it out for the right woman and i was wise enough to notice...
x.
husband: "i guess for me, ultimately it's that i respect your position"
me: "so basically what you're saying is that you're afraid of me"
i've often thought that the lord of the ring deserves a medal for his onging optimism, ultimate understanding, and patience...
but since he's spending the week in sunny southern california in a westin hotel "heavenly bed" and i'm sandwiched between stinky and his even clammier phlegm ridden hacking up a lung brother i think we can call it just about even...
today's $1 menu tao
healing
fire cools.
water seeks its own level.
eventually all extreme situations run their course and balance is restored...healing follows the upset cause by turbulence...it is this process of upset and balance upset and balance that brings movement...movement brings change, change brings healing, and healing brings balance...it is a process, a push and a pull...total balance all the time creates stasis...it is the cause and effect and the push and the pull of destruction and the subsequent healing that brings true balance...
above all, the wise are patient...
hmmm, this is interesting and so timely given the above recent conversation because apparently according to this the lord of the ring and i are doomed to stasis because we don't have enough turbulence...
i say fine by me...he was patient enough to wait it out for the right woman and i was wise enough to notice...
x.
Friday, November 04, 2005
it's friday, it's raining, and it's a wonder i've made it this far this morning...
the following conversation from this morning...
the duke: "mama, can i join the army?"
"you have to be eighteen"
"well, actually, you only need to be seventeen to sign-up"
??? i don't want to know...deep breath
"well, seventeen then...you've got awhile to think about it"
"hey wingman, do you want to join the army with me?"
"no way!"
"what, you want to work in a pizza shop?"
"no, i don't want to work at all"
"so, you're just gonna live on the streets?"
"duh, i'm gonna live here"
great.
and so it begins...every immediate blood relative male in the duke's family has served in some capacity...his father, my father, my husband's father, my father's father...
there is more to say about this, but that conversation is on-going and will unfold...but i will say this, if one or both of my boys wants to join the military i will share my views and my opinions but i will in no way shape or form stand in their way or not support them...it is their decision...
though i must say the rest of the conversation today went like this
"you know, duke, joining the military to serve your country is admirable...but i want you to know too that when you join the military there is the expectation that you will defend your country by force or sacrifice...among other things you will be expected to shoot an enemy and/or be in a position to be shot by an enemy...this does not always happen, but it is a real possibility"
silence.
"also, you will not get to pick and choose your battles...when you are in the military your commanding officers and the president are your bosses...it's up to them the wars we fight...and those wars are not always right or fair...when you choose to serve your country in the military you choose to do as the government says, even if you think it is wrong..."
more silence...then
"well, i'd like to serve my country, but maybe in a different way?"
"there are a lot of ways to serve your country...a lot of strong and important ways"
"i know instead of joining the army i think i'll invent world peace!"
that's my boy.
and on that note a little something from anne lamott:
"when you don't have a clue what's going on, maybe it's better that you not be in charge of a lot of things, which is something i keep meaning to point out to george bush"
which brings us to today's $1 menu tao...which, by the way, i don't write myself, just comment on, and is pre-set for the day...yet they are always so timely...kinda creepy, really...
destruction
mute black night,
sudden fire.
destruction.
now, this is no way to start off the weekend!...but there is a gem here...and it follows the same principal as many of the others...disaster and destruction are part of the fabric of our lives...we can look at them as punishment or opportunity...
we can choose to be mired down in the ashes and flames or we can choose rise above them...
everything is just as it needs to be...it's up to each of us as individuals to move through this world with as much acceptance, grace, humility, and love as we can muster...to change what we can, accept what we can't, and move on...
hey, i do believe that's the $1 menu version of the serenity prayer!...and look, you didn't even have to do all that pesky heavy drinking and join AA to use it!!...
x.
the duke: "mama, can i join the army?"
"you have to be eighteen"
"well, actually, you only need to be seventeen to sign-up"
??? i don't want to know...deep breath
"well, seventeen then...you've got awhile to think about it"
"hey wingman, do you want to join the army with me?"
"no way!"
"what, you want to work in a pizza shop?"
"no, i don't want to work at all"
"so, you're just gonna live on the streets?"
"duh, i'm gonna live here"
great.
and so it begins...every immediate blood relative male in the duke's family has served in some capacity...his father, my father, my husband's father, my father's father...
there is more to say about this, but that conversation is on-going and will unfold...but i will say this, if one or both of my boys wants to join the military i will share my views and my opinions but i will in no way shape or form stand in their way or not support them...it is their decision...
though i must say the rest of the conversation today went like this
"you know, duke, joining the military to serve your country is admirable...but i want you to know too that when you join the military there is the expectation that you will defend your country by force or sacrifice...among other things you will be expected to shoot an enemy and/or be in a position to be shot by an enemy...this does not always happen, but it is a real possibility"
silence.
"also, you will not get to pick and choose your battles...when you are in the military your commanding officers and the president are your bosses...it's up to them the wars we fight...and those wars are not always right or fair...when you choose to serve your country in the military you choose to do as the government says, even if you think it is wrong..."
more silence...then
"well, i'd like to serve my country, but maybe in a different way?"
"there are a lot of ways to serve your country...a lot of strong and important ways"
"i know instead of joining the army i think i'll invent world peace!"
that's my boy.
and on that note a little something from anne lamott:
"when you don't have a clue what's going on, maybe it's better that you not be in charge of a lot of things, which is something i keep meaning to point out to george bush"
which brings us to today's $1 menu tao...which, by the way, i don't write myself, just comment on, and is pre-set for the day...yet they are always so timely...kinda creepy, really...
destruction
mute black night,
sudden fire.
destruction.
now, this is no way to start off the weekend!...but there is a gem here...and it follows the same principal as many of the others...disaster and destruction are part of the fabric of our lives...we can look at them as punishment or opportunity...
we can choose to be mired down in the ashes and flames or we can choose rise above them...
everything is just as it needs to be...it's up to each of us as individuals to move through this world with as much acceptance, grace, humility, and love as we can muster...to change what we can, accept what we can't, and move on...
hey, i do believe that's the $1 menu version of the serenity prayer!...and look, you didn't even have to do all that pesky heavy drinking and join AA to use it!!...
x.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
one more reason NOT to believe everything you hear...
yesterday wingman and i were in the bathroom getting his bottom properly wiped...
by the way, this whole "intelligent design" theory might have more of a chance with me if kids were "designed" to get their own butts properly cleaned WITHOUT MY ASSISTANCE before the age of eight!
anyhow, we are standing there and wingman is talking about his *pee pee* and then he asks
"hey mama, do you have a pee-pee?...oh that's right (OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO MENTION HE CAN PRONOUNCE HIS TH SOUND NOW!) everyone has a pee-pee"
"yep"
"but is your pee-pee like mine?"
"no, girls have a pee-pee that's inside of their body and it's called a vagina...boys have a pee-pee outside of their body and it's called a penis...remember we talked about that?"
"a vagina?...well, i'm just gonna say you have a penis"
"but i don't...i have a vagina"
then he just sighs all wearily like it's all just too much for him then with a dismissive wave of the hand and while leaving the room he says
"but i'm just gonna say my mom has a penis"
whatever's easiest kid...as long as you learn to wipe your own ass you can say whatever you want...
and after that, i could REALLY use today's $1 menu tao
optimism
clearing blue sky,
a promise in bare branches.
in winter, there are sunny days.
in adulthood, childhood can return.
i have never in my life been accused of being optimistic...and usually in my adulthood childhood returns in the form of selfishness and tantrumming...
BUT i recognize that optimism may truly be the one thing that keeps this old rock we call home whirring away...that and hope and faith, which are different ways of experiencing optimism...or innocence, if you are a child...
optimism is just that little shaft of light, or dry patch, or comfy chair in which to rest a minute...optimism suggests that there is always something more, a possibility, a new day, one more chance to make one more first step in this journey of so many...optimism is the successful marriage of heart and soul, brain and body...
now that is what i call intelligent design...
x.
by the way, this whole "intelligent design" theory might have more of a chance with me if kids were "designed" to get their own butts properly cleaned WITHOUT MY ASSISTANCE before the age of eight!
anyhow, we are standing there and wingman is talking about his *pee pee* and then he asks
"hey mama, do you have a pee-pee?...oh that's right (OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO MENTION HE CAN PRONOUNCE HIS TH SOUND NOW!) everyone has a pee-pee"
"yep"
"but is your pee-pee like mine?"
"no, girls have a pee-pee that's inside of their body and it's called a vagina...boys have a pee-pee outside of their body and it's called a penis...remember we talked about that?"
"a vagina?...well, i'm just gonna say you have a penis"
"but i don't...i have a vagina"
then he just sighs all wearily like it's all just too much for him then with a dismissive wave of the hand and while leaving the room he says
"but i'm just gonna say my mom has a penis"
whatever's easiest kid...as long as you learn to wipe your own ass you can say whatever you want...
and after that, i could REALLY use today's $1 menu tao
optimism
clearing blue sky,
a promise in bare branches.
in winter, there are sunny days.
in adulthood, childhood can return.
i have never in my life been accused of being optimistic...and usually in my adulthood childhood returns in the form of selfishness and tantrumming...
BUT i recognize that optimism may truly be the one thing that keeps this old rock we call home whirring away...that and hope and faith, which are different ways of experiencing optimism...or innocence, if you are a child...
optimism is just that little shaft of light, or dry patch, or comfy chair in which to rest a minute...optimism suggests that there is always something more, a possibility, a new day, one more chance to make one more first step in this journey of so many...optimism is the successful marriage of heart and soul, brain and body...
now that is what i call intelligent design...
x.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
dia de los muertos...
today marks the day of the dead, all souls day in mexico...this is the day that people honor those who have died as adults...yesterday was all saints day, honoring angelitos, or those who have died as infants or children...today i think about my grandma and jeni-o and my cat...three who did not know one another in life, but who are tied together by my loving them and missing them...my own triumvirate of loss...
bold and strong and loving each of them were...you couldn't tell any of the three what to do and often they would tell you what's what...even so, there was a regalness and beauty in their strength...
but isn't there something so unmistakably comforting about a strong woman who makes you melt when they hold you close, that strength transformed into softness...especially so when they allow you to do the same for them?...
ahh, wingman's surgery is cancelled because of insurance technicalities and shuffling and arbitrary this and that...i've always said it's not kids or home ownership or careers that make you an adult, rather it's having to deal with insurance companies that marks the passage from adolescence to adulthood...
they just fuck everything up and give you the runaround and MAKE YOU do THEIR JOB...they put you off and deny and put you off and deny and put you off and deny UNTIL you get so damned sick of it you just give up because it's too much damned work and hassle and you need to be somewhere and don't have hours to sit on the phone...
apparently they did not get the memo that says that i don't have anywhere else to be...
hopefully, fingers crossed, we will get to it towards the end of the month...except, it won't be in the hospital like everyone said IT COULD ONLY BE IN, but rather in the dentist's office...which is the only place the insurance company will pay for...
so of course i had some concerns about the switch and ask the billing lady to ask the dentist to call me and OH MY GOD FREAKY PARENT ALERT ON LINE ONE!!
good lord you would have thought i was hysterically shouting incomprehensibly on the phone about "my baby! my baby! my poooor baby!!" the way the dentist called and talked to me!
i just asked about the difference of an in-office rather than hospital procedure...but of course because he's a dentist and i'm just a mom i've gotta get the wary and HIGHLY exasperated don't worry pat on the head...
unless it has not been made clear before, i do not care to be condescended to by anyone...least of all a weasely looking dentist who shares the exact same name with a hapless cartoon character...
it will move along and it will be done...in the meantime i will try my best to remain calm in the face of people who choose to fuck with me because they are greedy and manipulative and turning this country's health care coverage to shit and that's just what they do or people who fuck with me just because of some misguided notion that they think they can because they have chosen to stick their hands into people's mouths for a living which gives them some sort of special distiction and therefore they deserve not to be questioned by concerned parents...
hey, i willingly chose to examine vaginas but you don't see me mincing about like an exasperated go away you bother me i know it all and your questions bore me dick cheney do you?
this is my son and he needs this done and i will behave...it will likely kill me or put me in rehab, but i will behave...
moving right along to wingman's preschool parent conference yesterday...there were many positive glowing things said about him...he's a good and ecstatic learner, well liked by the boys, and all of the girls as well and plays with them too... (which is ironic given the fact he never wanted to go to preschool in first place because he didn't like "gorls")
and i must share something really adorable...
there is a little girl in his class who is two and a half and speaks only chinese at home...because she is quite young and doesn't speak much english she is quite shy...but she LOVES wingman...
and apparently he is very sweet to her and they talk together and when they sit in circle at story time she sits by him and puts her head on his shoulder and twirls his curls between her fingers...
and speaking of hair, i've gotten to the bottom of the all of a sudden wanting his hair cut and then backing out at the last minute issue...
seems there's this in your face mouthy kinda bill o'reilly mini-me kid who hassles wingman about his hair...and yesterday his teacher relayed to me the following conversation that happened at the snack table a few weeks before...
"are you a girl or a boy"
(okay, i have to say this is the SIXTH WEEK OF SCHOOL and about the millionth time he's asked...seems someone's a few cans shy of a six pack)
"i'm a boy"
"boys don't have long hair...you should cut it"
"duh, i have an appointment at the haircut place"
and that's the day he came home and said he wanted to make an appointment to cut his hair...his teacher was impressed he used the word appointment and i was impressed i didn't ask for the name and the address of this little shit so i could teach him a thing or two about gender identity and how it has NOTHING TO DO WITH HAIR LENGTH and basically how to keep his little biased trap shut and quit buggin' my baby so he can eat his snack in peace!...
but, i digress...
because then we go to get his hair cut and right when he walks in he says he doesn't want to...
it could be for any number of reasons...but i'd like to think that he figured out that he didn't have to just 'cuz some mealy mouthed little kid said he should...
plus, who's gettin' all the ladies while a certain someone apparently always seems to end up next to the kid who STILL has to wear pull ups!?!
indeed.
today's $1 menu tao
work
the woodcutter
works in all seasons.
splitting wood is both
action and inaction.
work is necessary...survival of a family depends on the efforts of those who work...and whether that work is inside the home or outside the home, is rewarded with a paycheck or not, or is recognized as a *job* or not recognized at all, work must be done...
but it cannot be done lazily or haphazardly...any job worth doing is worth doing well...and it must be done when it needs doing...and, whether we *like* to do the work or not, there is satisfaction in the going about of a task and seeing it to completion...
and despite all the circumstances surrounding the work that we do, *good* or *bad*, there is infinite satisfaction in knowing that our effort is rewarded in the supporting of our family...
that being said, the lord of the ring is done with his month-long job working from home and is once again commuting to los angeles and back each week...rushing to catch the ferry cab plane cab working till all hours of the night living in a hotel room and eating alone...
this too, shall pass...
x.
bold and strong and loving each of them were...you couldn't tell any of the three what to do and often they would tell you what's what...even so, there was a regalness and beauty in their strength...
but isn't there something so unmistakably comforting about a strong woman who makes you melt when they hold you close, that strength transformed into softness...especially so when they allow you to do the same for them?...
ahh, wingman's surgery is cancelled because of insurance technicalities and shuffling and arbitrary this and that...i've always said it's not kids or home ownership or careers that make you an adult, rather it's having to deal with insurance companies that marks the passage from adolescence to adulthood...
they just fuck everything up and give you the runaround and MAKE YOU do THEIR JOB...they put you off and deny and put you off and deny and put you off and deny UNTIL you get so damned sick of it you just give up because it's too much damned work and hassle and you need to be somewhere and don't have hours to sit on the phone...
apparently they did not get the memo that says that i don't have anywhere else to be...
hopefully, fingers crossed, we will get to it towards the end of the month...except, it won't be in the hospital like everyone said IT COULD ONLY BE IN, but rather in the dentist's office...which is the only place the insurance company will pay for...
so of course i had some concerns about the switch and ask the billing lady to ask the dentist to call me and OH MY GOD FREAKY PARENT ALERT ON LINE ONE!!
good lord you would have thought i was hysterically shouting incomprehensibly on the phone about "my baby! my baby! my poooor baby!!" the way the dentist called and talked to me!
i just asked about the difference of an in-office rather than hospital procedure...but of course because he's a dentist and i'm just a mom i've gotta get the wary and HIGHLY exasperated don't worry pat on the head...
unless it has not been made clear before, i do not care to be condescended to by anyone...least of all a weasely looking dentist who shares the exact same name with a hapless cartoon character...
it will move along and it will be done...in the meantime i will try my best to remain calm in the face of people who choose to fuck with me because they are greedy and manipulative and turning this country's health care coverage to shit and that's just what they do or people who fuck with me just because of some misguided notion that they think they can because they have chosen to stick their hands into people's mouths for a living which gives them some sort of special distiction and therefore they deserve not to be questioned by concerned parents...
hey, i willingly chose to examine vaginas but you don't see me mincing about like an exasperated go away you bother me i know it all and your questions bore me dick cheney do you?
this is my son and he needs this done and i will behave...it will likely kill me or put me in rehab, but i will behave...
moving right along to wingman's preschool parent conference yesterday...there were many positive glowing things said about him...he's a good and ecstatic learner, well liked by the boys, and all of the girls as well and plays with them too... (which is ironic given the fact he never wanted to go to preschool in first place because he didn't like "gorls")
and i must share something really adorable...
there is a little girl in his class who is two and a half and speaks only chinese at home...because she is quite young and doesn't speak much english she is quite shy...but she LOVES wingman...
and apparently he is very sweet to her and they talk together and when they sit in circle at story time she sits by him and puts her head on his shoulder and twirls his curls between her fingers...
and speaking of hair, i've gotten to the bottom of the all of a sudden wanting his hair cut and then backing out at the last minute issue...
seems there's this in your face mouthy kinda bill o'reilly mini-me kid who hassles wingman about his hair...and yesterday his teacher relayed to me the following conversation that happened at the snack table a few weeks before...
"are you a girl or a boy"
(okay, i have to say this is the SIXTH WEEK OF SCHOOL and about the millionth time he's asked...seems someone's a few cans shy of a six pack)
"i'm a boy"
"boys don't have long hair...you should cut it"
"duh, i have an appointment at the haircut place"
and that's the day he came home and said he wanted to make an appointment to cut his hair...his teacher was impressed he used the word appointment and i was impressed i didn't ask for the name and the address of this little shit so i could teach him a thing or two about gender identity and how it has NOTHING TO DO WITH HAIR LENGTH and basically how to keep his little biased trap shut and quit buggin' my baby so he can eat his snack in peace!...
but, i digress...
because then we go to get his hair cut and right when he walks in he says he doesn't want to...
it could be for any number of reasons...but i'd like to think that he figured out that he didn't have to just 'cuz some mealy mouthed little kid said he should...
plus, who's gettin' all the ladies while a certain someone apparently always seems to end up next to the kid who STILL has to wear pull ups!?!
indeed.
today's $1 menu tao
work
the woodcutter
works in all seasons.
splitting wood is both
action and inaction.
work is necessary...survival of a family depends on the efforts of those who work...and whether that work is inside the home or outside the home, is rewarded with a paycheck or not, or is recognized as a *job* or not recognized at all, work must be done...
but it cannot be done lazily or haphazardly...any job worth doing is worth doing well...and it must be done when it needs doing...and, whether we *like* to do the work or not, there is satisfaction in the going about of a task and seeing it to completion...
and despite all the circumstances surrounding the work that we do, *good* or *bad*, there is infinite satisfaction in knowing that our effort is rewarded in the supporting of our family...
that being said, the lord of the ring is done with his month-long job working from home and is once again commuting to los angeles and back each week...rushing to catch the ferry cab plane cab working till all hours of the night living in a hotel room and eating alone...
this too, shall pass...
x.
Friday, October 28, 2005
it's friday, it's raining, and it's a good thing we've got spongebob...
i told wingman about his surgery next friday...
he's understandably nervous, but didn't react as dramatically as i thought he would...
but boy did he seize on the "afterwards you get to lay on the couch and watch whatever you want" deal...he shouts out
"like tom and jerry! or spongebob!"
then the duke shouts out
"or a romantic comedy!"
o.kaaay.
tom and jerry has recently been banned from the house (these boybarians need NO encouragement in the ass kicking area) and wingman is NOT allowed to watch spongebob BUT if it gets him through this ordeal then bring it on...i'm not above self-medication...i know i could use a tranquilizer and a bottle of scotch to get me through every time i think about my little guy going under...
the duke is seizing upon this opportunity and is currently making a list of all the things he'd like to eat in the hospital cafeteria while we're waiting...he does love a hospital cafeteria...good lord if we took that kid to one of those buffet type joints he'd probably think he died and went to his eight year old idea of heaven...
so that big moment is over...i know it will get a bit more dicey as the day approaches, but i think we'll be pretty much okay going into it...
today's $1 menu tao
forbearance
arctic breath coils the mountain,
rattling the forest's bones.
raindrops cling to branches:
jeweled adornment flung to earth.
this is an especially timely idea in light of wingman's upcoming surgery...whatever we endure, whether our fortune is *good* or *bad*, we must stand tall and remain true to our inner selves...
with faith and with patience we bear what we are given and are rewarded with the power of growth...
though, just for good measure, i'd still like the tranqulizer and the bottle of scotch...
x.
he's understandably nervous, but didn't react as dramatically as i thought he would...
but boy did he seize on the "afterwards you get to lay on the couch and watch whatever you want" deal...he shouts out
"like tom and jerry! or spongebob!"
then the duke shouts out
"or a romantic comedy!"
o.kaaay.
tom and jerry has recently been banned from the house (these boybarians need NO encouragement in the ass kicking area) and wingman is NOT allowed to watch spongebob BUT if it gets him through this ordeal then bring it on...i'm not above self-medication...i know i could use a tranquilizer and a bottle of scotch to get me through every time i think about my little guy going under...
the duke is seizing upon this opportunity and is currently making a list of all the things he'd like to eat in the hospital cafeteria while we're waiting...he does love a hospital cafeteria...good lord if we took that kid to one of those buffet type joints he'd probably think he died and went to his eight year old idea of heaven...
so that big moment is over...i know it will get a bit more dicey as the day approaches, but i think we'll be pretty much okay going into it...
today's $1 menu tao
forbearance
arctic breath coils the mountain,
rattling the forest's bones.
raindrops cling to branches:
jeweled adornment flung to earth.
this is an especially timely idea in light of wingman's upcoming surgery...whatever we endure, whether our fortune is *good* or *bad*, we must stand tall and remain true to our inner selves...
with faith and with patience we bear what we are given and are rewarded with the power of growth...
though, just for good measure, i'd still like the tranqulizer and the bottle of scotch...
x.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
just say no!
so yesterday i am at safeway...i don't really care for safeway, BUT we were in the neighborhood NOT getting wingman's hair cut because once we got there, per his request i might add, he refused...a story for another day...
anyhow, there are some benefits to safeway...it's the only place in this godforsaken county i can get 7 day guadalupe candles and they have some wonderful organic petit frozen blueberries i can't find anywhere else...which sounds kinda snooty, i know, but when you're blending blueberries for a smoothie the big ones just don't cut it...
i dashed in by myself for one or two items...but the giddiness of being alone in a supermarket got to me so not surprisingly i ended up just under the wire for the 15 items and less checkout...
it's so freeing to stand and compare cost and value of say dishwasher tabs without a miniature version of broadway meets ultimate fighting going on behind you...see because one brand was on sale, but it was a cheapy kinda brand and i was concerned it would leave a residue on the dishes...then i noticed the brand i usually get was not on sale but DID have a 75 cents off coupon...so handy and it's just not the kinda of thing i would have noticed with the boybarians in tow...
so i head to the checkout and i am in one of those double lines...a checker on either side, shoppers and carts in the middle...it's kinda a tight fit and i am loading my items on the belt and i haven't even gotten the first item on when the checker calls to me
"do you have your club card?"
"um yeah, let me get these groceries on first"
so she's annoyed and just sighs...
okay, give a girl a chance why don't you!...you're in such a damned hurry why don't you move yer big old arse over here and pitch in!
so i get the groceries on and swipe my card and she says
"i see you have a 75 cents off coupon on the dishwasher tabs...do you want to donate it to the county girls soccer league or do you want to use it?"
whaaat?
"i'm going to use it"
and if this was something being played out on t.v. this would be the part where the whole store gets quiet and everyone looks at me...
well excuuuse me...but don't put a substantial coupon on a high dollar product and then ask someone to choose!...what is this survivor?...i chose that product because it had the coupon and represented a savings to me...sure i don't need the 75 cents, but it was the only reason why i chose that product...and i don't even know this county girls soccer league!...it's not even my town!...and i don't even HAVE girls i HAVE boys!!...and truth be told i don't think i even like soccer!!...
good lord DO NOT make the checkout a moral obstacle course!
the checker and the woman behind me just looked at eachother...
so we are continuing with the transaction and when it comes time to pay and finish up the checker asks
"do you want to donate one dollar to help fight breast cancer?"
and because i'm on a roll i breezily say
"no"
oh. my. god. now the people in the other line are looking at me too...you'd think i just drowned a box of fluffy mewing kittens one by one right in front of them!
what is this mcdonald's?!!...you don't offer stuff at the supermarket!!...this is not fast food or a department store or the gap!...this is a supermarket and it is a NECESSITY....food sustains life...in this day and age you can't just go out and spear a water buffalo and call it a day...one must shop for food in order to be able to eat food!...
and i don't care if it's some small town girls soccer league or breast cancer it's just wrong!!...if you have a jar with a sign or something like that that is one thing...but to just bombard someone with do you? will you? why not? everyone else is standing around watching and judging you you'd just be a bitch to say no! is just wrong...it's no better than peer pressure and mob mentality...
okay so i don't have girls and it's not my town and i don't think i even like soccer...BUT, sure i care about the fate of small town sports and obviously oh my god i care about finding a cure for breast cancer and any cancer for that matter...duh...but it's bad enough i've got to swipe a wallet's worth of cards to save $4.41 cents and do it at the speed of light or get attitude, i don't need the hard sell...and not once but twice!
and that's the express lane!...i don't even want to think what they've got going in the other lanes!
there is a time and a place people!...a time and a place...it's part of the social contract...or at least it should be...
i think i'm gonna have to stop going there...for good...my own home store just does not do that and i don't care if their prices are higher on most items and i don't care that i remind the cute young deli counter guy of his mother or when i go to weigh myself with the complimentary scale in the pharmacy there all of a sudden seems to be a huge crowd of people behind me all pressing in and craning their necks...
there is absolutely no push to do anything other than get my groceries and hand them my money...they don't even HAVE club cards!...plus there's free cookies at the bakery for the kids which buys me about 3.5 minutes of silence during my shopping...a better value i really don't know of...
/end rant.
todays $1 menu tao
emerging
thunder and rain at night.
growth comes with a shock.
expression and duration
appear in the first moment.
everything is as it is at the first moment of life...it's all there like a little syllabus...but even as we are predestined, there is always room for growth...and with life comes the potential for forceful and *destructive* events that bring shock and fear and devastation...yet with any event positive or negative there are always new opportunities for growth...
and sometimes the most devastating and shocking events pave the way for the greatest growth...sometimes everything needs to be cleared away to let the sun shine down and give the tiniest sprouts that we didn't even know were there the chance to grow and thrive...
x.
anyhow, there are some benefits to safeway...it's the only place in this godforsaken county i can get 7 day guadalupe candles and they have some wonderful organic petit frozen blueberries i can't find anywhere else...which sounds kinda snooty, i know, but when you're blending blueberries for a smoothie the big ones just don't cut it...
i dashed in by myself for one or two items...but the giddiness of being alone in a supermarket got to me so not surprisingly i ended up just under the wire for the 15 items and less checkout...
it's so freeing to stand and compare cost and value of say dishwasher tabs without a miniature version of broadway meets ultimate fighting going on behind you...see because one brand was on sale, but it was a cheapy kinda brand and i was concerned it would leave a residue on the dishes...then i noticed the brand i usually get was not on sale but DID have a 75 cents off coupon...so handy and it's just not the kinda of thing i would have noticed with the boybarians in tow...
so i head to the checkout and i am in one of those double lines...a checker on either side, shoppers and carts in the middle...it's kinda a tight fit and i am loading my items on the belt and i haven't even gotten the first item on when the checker calls to me
"do you have your club card?"
"um yeah, let me get these groceries on first"
so she's annoyed and just sighs...
okay, give a girl a chance why don't you!...you're in such a damned hurry why don't you move yer big old arse over here and pitch in!
so i get the groceries on and swipe my card and she says
"i see you have a 75 cents off coupon on the dishwasher tabs...do you want to donate it to the county girls soccer league or do you want to use it?"
whaaat?
"i'm going to use it"
and if this was something being played out on t.v. this would be the part where the whole store gets quiet and everyone looks at me...
well excuuuse me...but don't put a substantial coupon on a high dollar product and then ask someone to choose!...what is this survivor?...i chose that product because it had the coupon and represented a savings to me...sure i don't need the 75 cents, but it was the only reason why i chose that product...and i don't even know this county girls soccer league!...it's not even my town!...and i don't even HAVE girls i HAVE boys!!...and truth be told i don't think i even like soccer!!...
good lord DO NOT make the checkout a moral obstacle course!
the checker and the woman behind me just looked at eachother...
so we are continuing with the transaction and when it comes time to pay and finish up the checker asks
"do you want to donate one dollar to help fight breast cancer?"
and because i'm on a roll i breezily say
"no"
oh. my. god. now the people in the other line are looking at me too...you'd think i just drowned a box of fluffy mewing kittens one by one right in front of them!
what is this mcdonald's?!!...you don't offer stuff at the supermarket!!...this is not fast food or a department store or the gap!...this is a supermarket and it is a NECESSITY....food sustains life...in this day and age you can't just go out and spear a water buffalo and call it a day...one must shop for food in order to be able to eat food!...
and i don't care if it's some small town girls soccer league or breast cancer it's just wrong!!...if you have a jar with a sign or something like that that is one thing...but to just bombard someone with do you? will you? why not? everyone else is standing around watching and judging you you'd just be a bitch to say no! is just wrong...it's no better than peer pressure and mob mentality...
okay so i don't have girls and it's not my town and i don't think i even like soccer...BUT, sure i care about the fate of small town sports and obviously oh my god i care about finding a cure for breast cancer and any cancer for that matter...duh...but it's bad enough i've got to swipe a wallet's worth of cards to save $4.41 cents and do it at the speed of light or get attitude, i don't need the hard sell...and not once but twice!
and that's the express lane!...i don't even want to think what they've got going in the other lanes!
there is a time and a place people!...a time and a place...it's part of the social contract...or at least it should be...
i think i'm gonna have to stop going there...for good...my own home store just does not do that and i don't care if their prices are higher on most items and i don't care that i remind the cute young deli counter guy of his mother or when i go to weigh myself with the complimentary scale in the pharmacy there all of a sudden seems to be a huge crowd of people behind me all pressing in and craning their necks...
there is absolutely no push to do anything other than get my groceries and hand them my money...they don't even HAVE club cards!...plus there's free cookies at the bakery for the kids which buys me about 3.5 minutes of silence during my shopping...a better value i really don't know of...
/end rant.
todays $1 menu tao
emerging
thunder and rain at night.
growth comes with a shock.
expression and duration
appear in the first moment.
everything is as it is at the first moment of life...it's all there like a little syllabus...but even as we are predestined, there is always room for growth...and with life comes the potential for forceful and *destructive* events that bring shock and fear and devastation...yet with any event positive or negative there are always new opportunities for growth...
and sometimes the most devastating and shocking events pave the way for the greatest growth...sometimes everything needs to be cleared away to let the sun shine down and give the tiniest sprouts that we didn't even know were there the chance to grow and thrive...
x.
Monday, October 24, 2005
move over soccer moms!
there's a new gal in town!
a *helicopter mom* is a mother who *hovers* over her children...micro-managing every aspect of their development/activity from childhood to beyond...
i learned this term from one of those prime time news reports last friday night...i hadn't ever heard of it before, generally believing this type of mom to be *anal* or *overbearing* or *smothering*...
anyhow, i was interested in the story which was to show a helicopter mom in action as she hovered over her two sons who were both in college and living in the dorms...
i thought what a crack-pot! and settled in to watch...
then they introduced her as a mom who had homeschooled both boys and immediately my radar went up...it seems anymore you can't find anything positive reported by the media having to do with homeschooling...they either starve their children or lock them up or thump them with bibles or force them to live in squalor...okay so my house isn't overly clean but i don't even KNOW where our bible is and the only lock is on our bedroom door used for, well you get the picture...
and if anyone of my kids is seen rooting in the garbage it isn't because they're hungry it's to find evidence that i actually don't keep all their drawings and papers...though wingman did use to eat dirt and lick snail trails, BUT I ASSURE YOU it wasn't because he wasn't fed!...it's because he's just *funny* that way...i'm hoping he continues to grow out of this "hey sure i'll try that...better gimme two!" stage before he gets caught sleeping it off on some random child's bed in the middle of the day in a house and neighborhood and city that is not his own as an adult when it isn't as much *funny* as it is an addiction that causes you to spiral into general lawlessness...
but, i digress...
anyhow, as i'm watching the show i am seeing the mom micro-manage her sons from home while one is two hours away and the other several states away...she downloads their homework and corrects it, creates study lists, keeps track of grades and papers, e-mails and calls several times a day to keep track of them and get a report on a particular class or activity...not to mention drives to the one son's dorm every two weeks to shop and clean and do his laundry for him!
they even showed another mom who called her child from thousands of miles away in a different time zone to wake her up every single morning!...and it took an average of four calls a morning to get her out of bed!!...
oh. my. god.
really?
because while i love my sons and i admit i'm *overly involved in every aspect of their lives* and so far homeschooling is it for us i honestly can say i look forward to the day they are out and doin' it for themselves...not because i want them gone because i'm TOTALLY not counting the days or anything (friday june 19, 2015 and friday june 21, 2019...give or take a day) but because one of my greatest hopes is when they graduate from homeschool and move into the world they are equipped and able to manage their own lives...
and if those lives involve college that they'll be able to manage their own homework schedules and keep track of their own test scores and for cryin' out loud no matter what they choose to do be able to DO THEIR OWN LAUNDRY AND SHOP FOR THEIR OWN FOOD!!
sure they will mess up here and there and mismanage time and not study when they are supposed to and mix more than a few different alcohols in a given night and NOT remember to hydrate and forget to pop an advil before passing out but hey, that's how you learn!!...you fall down and pick yourself up and learn how to avoid falling in the future...at least that's the idea behind survival of the fittest but by god darwin is just simply not kind to some...
and i understand that this *hovering* represents an extension of love for some moms and dads...that it is more than hard to let go...that even when our babies are teenagers and then young adults and then adults with children of their own that they are still our babies...that when we see them we can still remember that they used to fit in our laps...willingly...and we can still remember the way they looked as they slept as children, so small against the pillow clutching their bears with their mouths slightly open, dreaming the dreams only children do...
very sweet...but i'm still making sure my children leave this house with a cookbook, the knowledge of how to shop and wash clothes, and for god's sake a damned alarm clock!
oh, and as a side note on that program both those boys were more than happy to have their mom doing all of that...and incidentally both of them were musicians which is cool but both of them made that face (you know the one that's all full of feeling and sensitivity and is is all gross and creepy like they want to be your lo-vah) when they sang and played and neither of them had a girlfriend/partner...and as forrest gump says that's all i have to say about that...
(though the one who had twice monthly visits from his mom decided recently to finish his last year of school in HAWAII...interesting...i imagine about as far away as he could get without leaving the country)
today's $1 menu tao
sound
wind in the cave:
movement in stillness.
power in silence.
which is exactly what i'll have come saturday june 22, 2019...
silence...
well, except for the sound of my desperate wailing as my grief-ridden tears hit the floor in the cold and empty child-free house...
hey i said i'm not going to be a helicopter mom, i never said i'm not going to be a pathetic mess..
x.
a *helicopter mom* is a mother who *hovers* over her children...micro-managing every aspect of their development/activity from childhood to beyond...
i learned this term from one of those prime time news reports last friday night...i hadn't ever heard of it before, generally believing this type of mom to be *anal* or *overbearing* or *smothering*...
anyhow, i was interested in the story which was to show a helicopter mom in action as she hovered over her two sons who were both in college and living in the dorms...
i thought what a crack-pot! and settled in to watch...
then they introduced her as a mom who had homeschooled both boys and immediately my radar went up...it seems anymore you can't find anything positive reported by the media having to do with homeschooling...they either starve their children or lock them up or thump them with bibles or force them to live in squalor...okay so my house isn't overly clean but i don't even KNOW where our bible is and the only lock is on our bedroom door used for, well you get the picture...
and if anyone of my kids is seen rooting in the garbage it isn't because they're hungry it's to find evidence that i actually don't keep all their drawings and papers...though wingman did use to eat dirt and lick snail trails, BUT I ASSURE YOU it wasn't because he wasn't fed!...it's because he's just *funny* that way...i'm hoping he continues to grow out of this "hey sure i'll try that...better gimme two!" stage before he gets caught sleeping it off on some random child's bed in the middle of the day in a house and neighborhood and city that is not his own as an adult when it isn't as much *funny* as it is an addiction that causes you to spiral into general lawlessness...
but, i digress...
anyhow, as i'm watching the show i am seeing the mom micro-manage her sons from home while one is two hours away and the other several states away...she downloads their homework and corrects it, creates study lists, keeps track of grades and papers, e-mails and calls several times a day to keep track of them and get a report on a particular class or activity...not to mention drives to the one son's dorm every two weeks to shop and clean and do his laundry for him!
they even showed another mom who called her child from thousands of miles away in a different time zone to wake her up every single morning!...and it took an average of four calls a morning to get her out of bed!!...
oh. my. god.
really?
because while i love my sons and i admit i'm *overly involved in every aspect of their lives* and so far homeschooling is it for us i honestly can say i look forward to the day they are out and doin' it for themselves...not because i want them gone because i'm TOTALLY not counting the days or anything (friday june 19, 2015 and friday june 21, 2019...give or take a day) but because one of my greatest hopes is when they graduate from homeschool and move into the world they are equipped and able to manage their own lives...
and if those lives involve college that they'll be able to manage their own homework schedules and keep track of their own test scores and for cryin' out loud no matter what they choose to do be able to DO THEIR OWN LAUNDRY AND SHOP FOR THEIR OWN FOOD!!
sure they will mess up here and there and mismanage time and not study when they are supposed to and mix more than a few different alcohols in a given night and NOT remember to hydrate and forget to pop an advil before passing out but hey, that's how you learn!!...you fall down and pick yourself up and learn how to avoid falling in the future...at least that's the idea behind survival of the fittest but by god darwin is just simply not kind to some...
and i understand that this *hovering* represents an extension of love for some moms and dads...that it is more than hard to let go...that even when our babies are teenagers and then young adults and then adults with children of their own that they are still our babies...that when we see them we can still remember that they used to fit in our laps...willingly...and we can still remember the way they looked as they slept as children, so small against the pillow clutching their bears with their mouths slightly open, dreaming the dreams only children do...
very sweet...but i'm still making sure my children leave this house with a cookbook, the knowledge of how to shop and wash clothes, and for god's sake a damned alarm clock!
oh, and as a side note on that program both those boys were more than happy to have their mom doing all of that...and incidentally both of them were musicians which is cool but both of them made that face (you know the one that's all full of feeling and sensitivity and is is all gross and creepy like they want to be your lo-vah) when they sang and played and neither of them had a girlfriend/partner...and as forrest gump says that's all i have to say about that...
(though the one who had twice monthly visits from his mom decided recently to finish his last year of school in HAWAII...interesting...i imagine about as far away as he could get without leaving the country)
today's $1 menu tao
sound
wind in the cave:
movement in stillness.
power in silence.
which is exactly what i'll have come saturday june 22, 2019...
silence...
well, except for the sound of my desperate wailing as my grief-ridden tears hit the floor in the cold and empty child-free house...
hey i said i'm not going to be a helicopter mom, i never said i'm not going to be a pathetic mess..
x.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
four is the new fourteen...
wingman has embraced his adolescence with fervor...and the fact that he's only four makes it all the more grim...
he was so serene, so cheerful, so easy when he was born...well, after the manner in which the duke was born and took to his infancy and toddler years i could have given birth to danny bonaduce and been tha-RILLED!...
anyhow, lately wingman has been carrying around a remote panel with all my buttons listed...where he got this, i don't know (likely his brother made it for him)...but he has the buttons accurately labeled and ordered and just wallows in pure unadulterated joy at pushing them...
(insert wingman's evil laugh here)
and damned it if he doesn't get the exact reaction he's looking for...every. single. time.
i could go into examples but i am quite certain even the recounting of them would only push me farther over the edge...plus, as YOU don't have to live with him YOU would think it was funny and charming and cute!...because EVERYONE thinks he's funny and charming and cute!...he's like bill murray in what about bob and i'm richard dreyfuss!!!...and have i mentioned how much my boys LOVE that movie and how i USED to enjoy it and make fun of stoveman for getting all irritated at it and HATING it everytime the boys made him watch it UNTIL now when NOW I GET IT!! because not only has stoveman raised kids he's raised teenagers so he KNOWS! and as usual he's RIGHT!!!...because one man's charming and cute is another man's saddam hussein...
oh, and the use of "whatever" has GOT to go...it is not a clever response and moreover it is a lazy tired-ass response...at least if he's going to dismiss me he's simply got to be more creative than that...
i am trying...i am...i am practicing restraint and patience and understanding...i am also practicing resisting the urge to put him down at the end of the driveway with a FREE sign...or depositing him in the non-perishable donation bin at the grocery store...
just drop off the key lee and set yourself free...
he is just so smart and so cute and so lovable...he is...and i do, i just love that boy to death...but sometimes he makes me want to drink the kool-aid and call it a day...
i know this will pass...everything does...problem is, something else always comes along...and when it comes to raising kids, god or whoever it is doesn't close a door to open a window for nothin'...it's a test to see if you push your kid out or jump yourself...
HEY KOOL-AID!
and now we move along to today's $1 menu tao...
reflection
moon above water.
sit in solitude.
now this is beautiful...it reminds me of backpacking...that stillness that comes after dinner and before sleep...and as i have just started doing a meditative yoga pose for depression (once again, the tao knows!...it KNOWS y'all!) this is timely indeed...
incidentally, i haven't been doing the pose for long so i can't say if it's working the way it *should* as i am too busy obsessing on the pain in my knees and shoulders to actually pay attention to my depression...
which just goes to show no matter what you believe god or whoever it is does work in mysterious ways...
x.
he was so serene, so cheerful, so easy when he was born...well, after the manner in which the duke was born and took to his infancy and toddler years i could have given birth to danny bonaduce and been tha-RILLED!...
anyhow, lately wingman has been carrying around a remote panel with all my buttons listed...where he got this, i don't know (likely his brother made it for him)...but he has the buttons accurately labeled and ordered and just wallows in pure unadulterated joy at pushing them...
(insert wingman's evil laugh here)
and damned it if he doesn't get the exact reaction he's looking for...every. single. time.
i could go into examples but i am quite certain even the recounting of them would only push me farther over the edge...plus, as YOU don't have to live with him YOU would think it was funny and charming and cute!...because EVERYONE thinks he's funny and charming and cute!...he's like bill murray in what about bob and i'm richard dreyfuss!!!...and have i mentioned how much my boys LOVE that movie and how i USED to enjoy it and make fun of stoveman for getting all irritated at it and HATING it everytime the boys made him watch it UNTIL now when NOW I GET IT!! because not only has stoveman raised kids he's raised teenagers so he KNOWS! and as usual he's RIGHT!!!...because one man's charming and cute is another man's saddam hussein...
oh, and the use of "whatever" has GOT to go...it is not a clever response and moreover it is a lazy tired-ass response...at least if he's going to dismiss me he's simply got to be more creative than that...
i am trying...i am...i am practicing restraint and patience and understanding...i am also practicing resisting the urge to put him down at the end of the driveway with a FREE sign...or depositing him in the non-perishable donation bin at the grocery store...
just drop off the key lee and set yourself free...
he is just so smart and so cute and so lovable...he is...and i do, i just love that boy to death...but sometimes he makes me want to drink the kool-aid and call it a day...
i know this will pass...everything does...problem is, something else always comes along...and when it comes to raising kids, god or whoever it is doesn't close a door to open a window for nothin'...it's a test to see if you push your kid out or jump yourself...
HEY KOOL-AID!
and now we move along to today's $1 menu tao...
reflection
moon above water.
sit in solitude.
now this is beautiful...it reminds me of backpacking...that stillness that comes after dinner and before sleep...and as i have just started doing a meditative yoga pose for depression (once again, the tao knows!...it KNOWS y'all!) this is timely indeed...
incidentally, i haven't been doing the pose for long so i can't say if it's working the way it *should* as i am too busy obsessing on the pain in my knees and shoulders to actually pay attention to my depression...
which just goes to show no matter what you believe god or whoever it is does work in mysterious ways...
x.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
nyquil, take him away!
the duke is sick...with fever and headache and general nausea...he hasn't been eating or sleeping and is just miserable...
plus he is driving me around the everlovin' bend!
oh my god do i love that boy and do i ever feel for him but i'm about to dose him with some nyquil so he will just go to sleep and rest and be far away snoring in another room dreaming of god knows what but just not be awake!
poor buddy, it does suck to be sick...
but you know what really sucks?...sleeping in the same room with someone who is sick who wakes you up every 15 minutes without fail all. night. long. to say one of the following
"mama...mama...mama!"
"gnrrr what is it honey?"
"i'm gonna throw up...but not really...it just feels like it"
or
"mama...mama...mama!"
"gnrrr what is it honey?"
"mama, i can't sleep"
tell me about it...
in other only slightly more riveting news, today i am cooking a big indian feast...
samosas, raita, dal, lamb curry, basmati rice, and homemade garlic naan...
it should be really really good...and the added benefit is stoveman is here and has never had indian food and has always sworn he never will and now he has to!...as you can imagine, he's not entirely sold on the idea and is perhaps right now regretting all those dishes he made me do as a child...
it's such a cancer girl middle child thing to exact torture and revenge in the form of a delicious feast made with love...
okay, i gotta cut this short because the potatoes are nearly done and i've gotta make the samosa filling...
today's $1 menu tao is
devotion
make the crooked straight,
make the straight to flow.
gather water, fire, and light.
bring the world to a single point.
do what you love, the rest comes...
enjoy your day,
x.
plus he is driving me around the everlovin' bend!
oh my god do i love that boy and do i ever feel for him but i'm about to dose him with some nyquil so he will just go to sleep and rest and be far away snoring in another room dreaming of god knows what but just not be awake!
poor buddy, it does suck to be sick...
but you know what really sucks?...sleeping in the same room with someone who is sick who wakes you up every 15 minutes without fail all. night. long. to say one of the following
"mama...mama...mama!"
"gnrrr what is it honey?"
"i'm gonna throw up...but not really...it just feels like it"
or
"mama...mama...mama!"
"gnrrr what is it honey?"
"mama, i can't sleep"
tell me about it...
in other only slightly more riveting news, today i am cooking a big indian feast...
samosas, raita, dal, lamb curry, basmati rice, and homemade garlic naan...
it should be really really good...and the added benefit is stoveman is here and has never had indian food and has always sworn he never will and now he has to!...as you can imagine, he's not entirely sold on the idea and is perhaps right now regretting all those dishes he made me do as a child...
it's such a cancer girl middle child thing to exact torture and revenge in the form of a delicious feast made with love...
okay, i gotta cut this short because the potatoes are nearly done and i've gotta make the samosa filling...
today's $1 menu tao is
devotion
make the crooked straight,
make the straight to flow.
gather water, fire, and light.
bring the world to a single point.
do what you love, the rest comes...
enjoy your day,
x.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
meet the boybarians...
yesterday i called the duke "sweetie pie"...
"don't ever call me that"
"HA! i'm your mother, i can call you anything i want...and really, it could be worse...but just curious, what do you want me to call you?"
"pat"
o. k.
apparently the duke really really really likes the name pat...
then wingman pipes up AGAIN for the millionth time that his name is really peter johnson...
there is a joke of some sort here but i don't think i can get far enough past the image of the duke in his tunic and jeans telling me he likes the name "pat" to be able to come up with one...
and wingman is just cracked...
anyhow, moving right along...
today's $1 menu tao
ablution
washing at dawn:
rinse away dreams.
protect the gods within,
and clarify the inner spirit.
now see, this is just UN. CANNY. y'all!...once again the tao KNOWS!...it just KNOWS!...because it just so happens i JUST had a bath!!...and as i washed my hair for the first time in a long time after trying this "no washing your hair to protect the curls" experiment i really really really feel cleansed...and the just freshly washed hair smell really does do something for the spirit, i must say (and i'd be willing to bet the lord of the ring would agree...i have a feeling at times that even though we have a decade under our belts the poor guy still doesn't know what to make of me)
in my opinion it's about as close to a spiritual experience one can get to that doesn't include stevie nicks and a long neck bud...
so here's hoping there is a cleansing of spirit in store for each of you today...
and remember, it doesn't need to be a bath at lourdes for it to "mean" something...because just as there are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground, there are a million ways to be cleansed...
x.
"don't ever call me that"
"HA! i'm your mother, i can call you anything i want...and really, it could be worse...but just curious, what do you want me to call you?"
"pat"
o. k.
apparently the duke really really really likes the name pat...
then wingman pipes up AGAIN for the millionth time that his name is really peter johnson...
there is a joke of some sort here but i don't think i can get far enough past the image of the duke in his tunic and jeans telling me he likes the name "pat" to be able to come up with one...
and wingman is just cracked...
anyhow, moving right along...
today's $1 menu tao
ablution
washing at dawn:
rinse away dreams.
protect the gods within,
and clarify the inner spirit.
now see, this is just UN. CANNY. y'all!...once again the tao KNOWS!...it just KNOWS!...because it just so happens i JUST had a bath!!...and as i washed my hair for the first time in a long time after trying this "no washing your hair to protect the curls" experiment i really really really feel cleansed...and the just freshly washed hair smell really does do something for the spirit, i must say (and i'd be willing to bet the lord of the ring would agree...i have a feeling at times that even though we have a decade under our belts the poor guy still doesn't know what to make of me)
in my opinion it's about as close to a spiritual experience one can get to that doesn't include stevie nicks and a long neck bud...
so here's hoping there is a cleansing of spirit in store for each of you today...
and remember, it doesn't need to be a bath at lourdes for it to "mean" something...because just as there are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground, there are a million ways to be cleansed...
x.
Monday, October 10, 2005
who needs therapy when you have children?
there's nothing like the matter-of-factness of children to point out what exactly is wrong in our lives...and it's usually so simple a misstep(s), what we would consider a mere hiccup in the cosmic belch of our deeper rooted problems...so basic are these issues that they are dismissed in favor of the flashier dilemmas and demons that plague us...which means too often we focus on the prime time problems while the awful truth goes unnoticed...but not by a child...
for instance any time i come down the stairs in something *other* than pajamas or stretchy pants some child or another who lives here will look up excitedly and say
"where are we going?"
"nowhere"
"um, then why are you dressed?"
or when i am cleaning house in *any* capacity some child or another who lives here will inevitably ask
"wow!...who's coming over?"
"no one"
"oh...are you sure?"
both of which suggest either action doesn't take place all that often therefore further suggesting *someone* needs to get her shit together and soon...
and that most people probably don't need therapy they just need a maid...
and now because we all need a little more spirit and a bit more wisdom in our lives i introduce to you a new feature i call the
$1 menu tao
no no no, it's not a gut busting grease ball of cheap chinese food but rather an easily digestible, makes you think, tastes great! less filling! take on the tao te ching...in honor of the tao and my apparent overwhelming laziness it will be easy and fast and yet depthy (is depthy a word?...yeah, i didn't think so but you know what i mean)...because while the tao te ching is one of the most important books i have ever read, sometimes it's nice to get a dose of spirit in the fast acting quick dissolving tablets...
so i turn to my handy dandy tao for dummies book and bring you today's $1 menu tao
beginning
this is the moment of embarking.
all auspicious signs are in place.
now how appropriate is THAT!...huh?!?...see!...how timely!...as if the tao KNOWS what i'm thinking!...it KNOWS today is the beginning of the $1 menu tao!...you can't BUY connection like that!...
seriously, i wholeheartedly encourage each and everyone of you to read the the actual tao te ching...really, if you haven't it's a must...
but in the meantime, enjoy the drive through version...
x.
for instance any time i come down the stairs in something *other* than pajamas or stretchy pants some child or another who lives here will look up excitedly and say
"where are we going?"
"nowhere"
"um, then why are you dressed?"
or when i am cleaning house in *any* capacity some child or another who lives here will inevitably ask
"wow!...who's coming over?"
"no one"
"oh...are you sure?"
both of which suggest either action doesn't take place all that often therefore further suggesting *someone* needs to get her shit together and soon...
and that most people probably don't need therapy they just need a maid...
and now because we all need a little more spirit and a bit more wisdom in our lives i introduce to you a new feature i call the
$1 menu tao
no no no, it's not a gut busting grease ball of cheap chinese food but rather an easily digestible, makes you think, tastes great! less filling! take on the tao te ching...in honor of the tao and my apparent overwhelming laziness it will be easy and fast and yet depthy (is depthy a word?...yeah, i didn't think so but you know what i mean)...because while the tao te ching is one of the most important books i have ever read, sometimes it's nice to get a dose of spirit in the fast acting quick dissolving tablets...
so i turn to my handy dandy tao for dummies book and bring you today's $1 menu tao
beginning
this is the moment of embarking.
all auspicious signs are in place.
now how appropriate is THAT!...huh?!?...see!...how timely!...as if the tao KNOWS what i'm thinking!...it KNOWS today is the beginning of the $1 menu tao!...you can't BUY connection like that!...
seriously, i wholeheartedly encourage each and everyone of you to read the the actual tao te ching...really, if you haven't it's a must...
but in the meantime, enjoy the drive through version...
x.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
spray. scrape. repeat.
i am attempting to paint my dining room...
which means first removing two layers of very old wallpaper...
there is not really a word available that fully captures how awful a task this is...
no wonder i haven't done it in all the years we have lived here....no wonder people rent...no wonder i drink...
in other news, the boybarians have chosen to be roman legionaries for halloween...they have been wearing their outfits for a few days now and love them...
the duke especially loves the tunic, and has taken to wearing it sans the rest of the outfit...
"it's comfortable and cool...i love it!"
indeed.
and then there's wingman...lately he has been very interested in how babies come to be inside of their mama's tummies...
and he just looks at me like "um, please" when i tell him it's "magic"...he knows that's bullshit and i've just not yet come up with a plan of attack for explaining it better than that...and yes, i am terribly embarrassed that that answer made it into my brain and past my lips...especially given my previous background...
it's funny how some aspects of parenting just are no big deal, and then you come upon one that is surprising in its challenge..its ability to kind of just stop you in your tracks and make you go "uh...hmmm...um..."
the duke is eight and we haven't done the birds and the bees with him yet...he's never been very interested, but at four wingman is dying to know the answers to all kinds of things...like do we hear when we're dead?, do we become babies again when we die?, how do babies get from being in the sky into their mama's tummies?...
i suppose i won't worry too much about it now because i know the moment will present itself and i'll seize upon it...and hopefully i won't fuck it up...
in the meantime i wonder how deeply wingman will continue to ponder all that seems so vast...and how long the duke will continue to enjoy wearing a long silky tunic...
x.
which means first removing two layers of very old wallpaper...
there is not really a word available that fully captures how awful a task this is...
no wonder i haven't done it in all the years we have lived here....no wonder people rent...no wonder i drink...
in other news, the boybarians have chosen to be roman legionaries for halloween...they have been wearing their outfits for a few days now and love them...
the duke especially loves the tunic, and has taken to wearing it sans the rest of the outfit...
"it's comfortable and cool...i love it!"
indeed.
and then there's wingman...lately he has been very interested in how babies come to be inside of their mama's tummies...
and he just looks at me like "um, please" when i tell him it's "magic"...he knows that's bullshit and i've just not yet come up with a plan of attack for explaining it better than that...and yes, i am terribly embarrassed that that answer made it into my brain and past my lips...especially given my previous background...
it's funny how some aspects of parenting just are no big deal, and then you come upon one that is surprising in its challenge..its ability to kind of just stop you in your tracks and make you go "uh...hmmm...um..."
the duke is eight and we haven't done the birds and the bees with him yet...he's never been very interested, but at four wingman is dying to know the answers to all kinds of things...like do we hear when we're dead?, do we become babies again when we die?, how do babies get from being in the sky into their mama's tummies?...
i suppose i won't worry too much about it now because i know the moment will present itself and i'll seize upon it...and hopefully i won't fuck it up...
in the meantime i wonder how deeply wingman will continue to ponder all that seems so vast...and how long the duke will continue to enjoy wearing a long silky tunic...
x.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
where there's a will there's one worried mama...
wingman needs a will...oh and a durable power of attorney (as opposed to those flimsy ones you can get at wal-mart?)
he is scheduled to have his dental surgery on nov. 4th...they are putting him under which carries with it the risk that he may not come back "up"...hence the need for a copy of his will provided with his hospital intake paperwork...
for someone who just recently learned to wipe his own butt you can imagine he's not been around long enough to acquire much that is of great importance to him...his pooh bear, his baby doll, the odd hot wheel, an old book he carries around the house and "reads" every night in bed with a lot of pages very small print and no pictures titled my india, my america...
and because it's still quite a bit of time away we aren't telling him yet...poor kid...
i am trying not to make too much of this in my mind...trying not to worry, trying to be positive...but i can't help feeling very nervous about the whole thing...i find myself looking at him more, holding him a bit longer for a hug, not minding so much when he climbs into bed with us at night taking all of my pillow and shoving me to the edge of the bed...
i know it's going to be okay...it has to be...it will be...
still, i can't help but feel little cracks in my heart when i find myself thinking about it...because you can always be prepared, do the right things, think positively and things still happen that you don't want to happen...
in this process i am reminded once again and overwhelmingly of the fragility of life...the tenuousness of existence...the fact that since having children my heart is no longer the same size it once was, no longer beating safely and securely deep inside my chest...that my heart no longer beats only for me...
i will try and remain optimistic...have faith and trust the process...
but despite my want to hold him more, i've got to watch the outward manifestations of my fear towards wingman...because it doesn't honor the process, and because apparently i am annoying and unhygenic...
"mama, you are hugging me so tight i can't breeve!...and eeewww your bref SMELLS!!"
x.
he is scheduled to have his dental surgery on nov. 4th...they are putting him under which carries with it the risk that he may not come back "up"...hence the need for a copy of his will provided with his hospital intake paperwork...
for someone who just recently learned to wipe his own butt you can imagine he's not been around long enough to acquire much that is of great importance to him...his pooh bear, his baby doll, the odd hot wheel, an old book he carries around the house and "reads" every night in bed with a lot of pages very small print and no pictures titled my india, my america...
and because it's still quite a bit of time away we aren't telling him yet...poor kid...
i am trying not to make too much of this in my mind...trying not to worry, trying to be positive...but i can't help feeling very nervous about the whole thing...i find myself looking at him more, holding him a bit longer for a hug, not minding so much when he climbs into bed with us at night taking all of my pillow and shoving me to the edge of the bed...
i know it's going to be okay...it has to be...it will be...
still, i can't help but feel little cracks in my heart when i find myself thinking about it...because you can always be prepared, do the right things, think positively and things still happen that you don't want to happen...
in this process i am reminded once again and overwhelmingly of the fragility of life...the tenuousness of existence...the fact that since having children my heart is no longer the same size it once was, no longer beating safely and securely deep inside my chest...that my heart no longer beats only for me...
i will try and remain optimistic...have faith and trust the process...
but despite my want to hold him more, i've got to watch the outward manifestations of my fear towards wingman...because it doesn't honor the process, and because apparently i am annoying and unhygenic...
"mama, you are hugging me so tight i can't breeve!...and eeewww your bref SMELLS!!"
x.
Monday, October 03, 2005
and there you have it...
i am seriously considering ordering a bedazzler off of the television and i made my children spam for dinner last night...
i'd like to believe it's because i have been ill and therefore my defenses are down...
but i know it's far more sinister than that...
you can take the girl out of the central valley but try as you might you just can't take the central valley out of the girl...
x.
i'd like to believe it's because i have been ill and therefore my defenses are down...
but i know it's far more sinister than that...
you can take the girl out of the central valley but try as you might you just can't take the central valley out of the girl...
x.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
f.y.i.
between my being concerned last week about the bag lady in paris who lives in houston (thankfully she and her cat and abode are fine) and suffering this week with a cold i 100% lack the ability to be creative...
or even completely upright for that matter...
x.
or even completely upright for that matter...
x.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
hello autumn, goodbye kitty...
the cat passed last night...
in the end she looked so very peaceful, so graceful even, lying there...
and even though i knew it was coming, i am very sad...i took care of her last night and i have to tell the boybarians today...
wingman has been having a rough go of it lately with all the time his father has to spend away...could you all say a little prayer for him as this news will be very hard for him to bear?...he and the cat were very close...
and if you could, another prayer for the lord of the ring...they were together nearly twenty years and he is understandably quite upset...
meanwhile, it is the autumnal equinox today (i follow the witch's calendar that places the solstice and the equinox always on the 21st) enjoy the change of season and embrace the possibilities that transition brings...
x.
in the end she looked so very peaceful, so graceful even, lying there...
and even though i knew it was coming, i am very sad...i took care of her last night and i have to tell the boybarians today...
wingman has been having a rough go of it lately with all the time his father has to spend away...could you all say a little prayer for him as this news will be very hard for him to bear?...he and the cat were very close...
and if you could, another prayer for the lord of the ring...they were together nearly twenty years and he is understandably quite upset...
meanwhile, it is the autumnal equinox today (i follow the witch's calendar that places the solstice and the equinox always on the 21st) enjoy the change of season and embrace the possibilities that transition brings...
x.
Monday, September 19, 2005
feeding the fever of the obviously insane...
the duke has a temperature...
"oh honey, if you're hungry i want you to eat something...what sounds good?"
"sushi"
indeed.
gee, now why didn't i think of that...because when i'm hot and queasy and fatigued there's nothing like a big ol' plate of sushi to set my mouth watering...
bleh.
to update the situation with the cat i think she has peed on her last bed and pillow...unfortunately i am now checking for signs of breathing every hour...the lord of the ring has wishes that she will hang on until he returns home thursday night, but i am not optimistic...
what i wonder is, do i try and put her out of her, well not *misery* really (she's just sleeping all the time and seems comfortable) just her present state of obvious dying?...or do i let her do what cats do?...
i am inclined, unless persuaded otherwise, to let nature take the course it is want to take...
i'll let you know how that all pans out...
regardless, could you all say a little prayer or blessing on the life of our dear cat, kidon?...nearly twenty years is a long life for a cat, yet it seems too soon for her to depart...she really is a wonderful soul, and we will all mourn and miss her dearly...
x.
"oh honey, if you're hungry i want you to eat something...what sounds good?"
"sushi"
indeed.
gee, now why didn't i think of that...because when i'm hot and queasy and fatigued there's nothing like a big ol' plate of sushi to set my mouth watering...
bleh.
to update the situation with the cat i think she has peed on her last bed and pillow...unfortunately i am now checking for signs of breathing every hour...the lord of the ring has wishes that she will hang on until he returns home thursday night, but i am not optimistic...
what i wonder is, do i try and put her out of her, well not *misery* really (she's just sleeping all the time and seems comfortable) just her present state of obvious dying?...or do i let her do what cats do?...
i am inclined, unless persuaded otherwise, to let nature take the course it is want to take...
i'll let you know how that all pans out...
regardless, could you all say a little prayer or blessing on the life of our dear cat, kidon?...nearly twenty years is a long life for a cat, yet it seems too soon for her to depart...she really is a wonderful soul, and we will all mourn and miss her dearly...
x.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
pretty in gap stretch denim...
it seems that it was only yesterday i was watching andrew mccarthy on the big screen, dreaming and wishing a boy like him would ask me to my prom...or to make out in a filthy damp horse stable...really, i'm not choosy...
as it was, yesterday i was taking kids, my kids!!, to the dentist and to get new shoes...and trying to find pants that fit and that i like, all the while fielding questions as to why *i* won't have *another* wedding...
dude.
anyhow, posting will be short and spotty this week as we adjust to our school schedule and get into autumn's rhythm...
plus it will give me time to try and understand the impending ramifications of the duke's most recent choice for his birthday party theme...
a portuguese catholic monarchy birthday...
dude.
x.
as it was, yesterday i was taking kids, my kids!!, to the dentist and to get new shoes...and trying to find pants that fit and that i like, all the while fielding questions as to why *i* won't have *another* wedding...
dude.
anyhow, posting will be short and spotty this week as we adjust to our school schedule and get into autumn's rhythm...
plus it will give me time to try and understand the impending ramifications of the duke's most recent choice for his birthday party theme...
a portuguese catholic monarchy birthday...
dude.
x.
Friday, September 09, 2005
it's friday, it's overcast, and you know you're getting old when...
everything you hear on the radio that's *new* sounds like something you've heard before...
sigh...
it's obviously not a new phenomenon, but one i've only just become to be concerned about...it's a sign of aging...along with grey hairs and unexplained curves, aging doesn't sneak up on you so much as waits patiently until you are mature enough to notice and, if you're lucky, accept it...
i've accepted the grey hairs, and try to accentuate the curves i like, but this music thing has me worried...because while i enjoy a lot of the new music floating about, i feel kinda like a sell out doing so...like a twenty something who says "oh carlos santana, that guy who plays with rob thomas from matchbox20...yeah that's a cool song"
when carlos santana gets reduced to *cool song* you know there just isn't much hope...
in many circles, okay in most, i am decidedly unfashionable and unhip...but i think it's just a survival mechanism...i figure it comes down to astrology...as a cancer i simply cannot keep up with what's in at the moment...whether it be fashion, drinks, or music...
i cannot hitch my wagon to a star only to have it fade the moment we take off...reminds me too much of *dating*, not to mention is just too damned hard on a soul that likes to settle in and get comfortable and a heart that clings on for dear life to whatever comes within its orbit...
like stoveman who says he's tired of getting used to sons-in-laws only to have them be replaced, i can't get used to something only to have it go out of favor for something *better*...
that's why i still wear roughly the same kind of clothes i have for years, drink beer from a can whenever possible, and keep stevie nicks handy...
again, stoveman attributes it to that strong streak of trash that he says runs through me, and while i agree with that assessment (he's just jealous) i also think i've found what i like and i'm sticking with it...
don't get me wrong, i like trying new things as much as, well anyone who possesses a vice-grip heart...
but i tell ya' i cannot get behind precious little glasses filled with some kinda sweet colored liquid...because i am more of a gulper than a sipper and because i need a little more to hang onto...i like the feel of an ice cold long neck bottle and the crush of an empty beer can...and while i worked it the very best i could at the time, it took me weeks to recover from the last time i wore heels...
and really, there is just too much repetition in this world...too much comes back around to get all caught up in what's *in* at this moment...and while i envy those who can and want to keep re-hitching their wagons, i simply cannot do it, nor do i want to...
do what you love, the rest comes...
and this weekend, i wish you all the opportunity to do just that...
carpe cerevisi!!!
x.
sigh...
it's obviously not a new phenomenon, but one i've only just become to be concerned about...it's a sign of aging...along with grey hairs and unexplained curves, aging doesn't sneak up on you so much as waits patiently until you are mature enough to notice and, if you're lucky, accept it...
i've accepted the grey hairs, and try to accentuate the curves i like, but this music thing has me worried...because while i enjoy a lot of the new music floating about, i feel kinda like a sell out doing so...like a twenty something who says "oh carlos santana, that guy who plays with rob thomas from matchbox20...yeah that's a cool song"
when carlos santana gets reduced to *cool song* you know there just isn't much hope...
in many circles, okay in most, i am decidedly unfashionable and unhip...but i think it's just a survival mechanism...i figure it comes down to astrology...as a cancer i simply cannot keep up with what's in at the moment...whether it be fashion, drinks, or music...
i cannot hitch my wagon to a star only to have it fade the moment we take off...reminds me too much of *dating*, not to mention is just too damned hard on a soul that likes to settle in and get comfortable and a heart that clings on for dear life to whatever comes within its orbit...
like stoveman who says he's tired of getting used to sons-in-laws only to have them be replaced, i can't get used to something only to have it go out of favor for something *better*...
that's why i still wear roughly the same kind of clothes i have for years, drink beer from a can whenever possible, and keep stevie nicks handy...
again, stoveman attributes it to that strong streak of trash that he says runs through me, and while i agree with that assessment (he's just jealous) i also think i've found what i like and i'm sticking with it...
don't get me wrong, i like trying new things as much as, well anyone who possesses a vice-grip heart...
but i tell ya' i cannot get behind precious little glasses filled with some kinda sweet colored liquid...because i am more of a gulper than a sipper and because i need a little more to hang onto...i like the feel of an ice cold long neck bottle and the crush of an empty beer can...and while i worked it the very best i could at the time, it took me weeks to recover from the last time i wore heels...
and really, there is just too much repetition in this world...too much comes back around to get all caught up in what's *in* at this moment...and while i envy those who can and want to keep re-hitching their wagons, i simply cannot do it, nor do i want to...
do what you love, the rest comes...
and this weekend, i wish you all the opportunity to do just that...
carpe cerevisi!!!
x.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
for what it's worth, my two cents...
there is a lot i have to say about our nation's latest disaster...the initial one lobbed down by mother nature and the subsequent one created by the failure of every. possible. level. of our nation's government...
but i am afraid i am far too emotional to be clear...and as there are people far more knowledgeable and insightful and politically savvy than i taking part in on-going dialogue, i will spare you my personal opinions in that respect...
but tragedy inspires reflection, and i do want to say this...it's something that i try teach my own sons...
i tell my boys that in this world there is always the potential for heartache, pain, accident, disaster (natural and otherwise)...always...it's a beautiful and wondrous world to be sure, but uncertain as well...situations and people have the capacity to be as wonderful or as cruel as they can be...
so that when they tease and taunt each other, hit and trip one another, exclude and ignore each other that they aren't just being "kids" or "brothers" or "boys"...they are, but they are also just being cruel...
and in a world that can be so very cruel we should create and maintain a safe haven in our own family...
that we must protect and cherish one another...
i emphasize that this must also extend to their friends and family and community...
at the risk of sounding like someone who overdosed on the little white pills, i think that there is an incredible need for more love and community and humanity in this world...starting with our own little corners of the world...
there is a significant shift taking place in the world right now...a shift that could go either way...and if we don't direct this shift, then we will be directed by it...
and the time is now...because while each day brings new possibility, time does run out...
we need to love one another more...we need to cherish and honor one another more...we need to close our mouths and open our hearts to one another more...
we need to be a shelter for one another...
we need to release judgment and embrace possibility...
and as the world's biggest cynic and hypocrite believe me i fully understand the challenges of this...
it's about love and it's about intention...simple in concept, but two of the very hardest for us to grasp and commit to as individuals...even harder to as a global community...
i want to be able to rise to the occasion...whatever the occasion...i want my sons to be able to do so as well...and i would like to think that when the shit hits the fan that there are others that would stand beside and behind me...willingly...that i will be able to lift up those who need it, and inspire others to do the same for me...
and even when it's not a matter of survival as it usually is not, but just of living the day to day, i want to live a life that inspires others to want to seek me out, and me them...a life where the people who matter most to me choose to be together, rather than accepting it as what needs to be done in light of whatever occasion...
but this is not automatic...it is a culmination of every day that we live, the interactions and reactions we have...each day brings to us an opportunity...it's what we do with that opportunity that determines the course of our life, and as our lives pool into one, ultimately the course this world does take...
in every story there are heroes and villains...there are those who rise and those who fail...there are those who make it and those who do not...
but it's the journey that matters most...and if we travel with love and intention, speaking kindly and carrying a big heart, we take great first steps towards shaping and directing the shift and ultimately the outcome...
listen when all of this around us will fall over
i tell you what we're gonna do
you will shelter me my love
and i will shelter you
x.
but i am afraid i am far too emotional to be clear...and as there are people far more knowledgeable and insightful and politically savvy than i taking part in on-going dialogue, i will spare you my personal opinions in that respect...
but tragedy inspires reflection, and i do want to say this...it's something that i try teach my own sons...
i tell my boys that in this world there is always the potential for heartache, pain, accident, disaster (natural and otherwise)...always...it's a beautiful and wondrous world to be sure, but uncertain as well...situations and people have the capacity to be as wonderful or as cruel as they can be...
so that when they tease and taunt each other, hit and trip one another, exclude and ignore each other that they aren't just being "kids" or "brothers" or "boys"...they are, but they are also just being cruel...
and in a world that can be so very cruel we should create and maintain a safe haven in our own family...
that we must protect and cherish one another...
i emphasize that this must also extend to their friends and family and community...
at the risk of sounding like someone who overdosed on the little white pills, i think that there is an incredible need for more love and community and humanity in this world...starting with our own little corners of the world...
there is a significant shift taking place in the world right now...a shift that could go either way...and if we don't direct this shift, then we will be directed by it...
and the time is now...because while each day brings new possibility, time does run out...
we need to love one another more...we need to cherish and honor one another more...we need to close our mouths and open our hearts to one another more...
we need to be a shelter for one another...
we need to release judgment and embrace possibility...
and as the world's biggest cynic and hypocrite believe me i fully understand the challenges of this...
it's about love and it's about intention...simple in concept, but two of the very hardest for us to grasp and commit to as individuals...even harder to as a global community...
i want to be able to rise to the occasion...whatever the occasion...i want my sons to be able to do so as well...and i would like to think that when the shit hits the fan that there are others that would stand beside and behind me...willingly...that i will be able to lift up those who need it, and inspire others to do the same for me...
and even when it's not a matter of survival as it usually is not, but just of living the day to day, i want to live a life that inspires others to want to seek me out, and me them...a life where the people who matter most to me choose to be together, rather than accepting it as what needs to be done in light of whatever occasion...
but this is not automatic...it is a culmination of every day that we live, the interactions and reactions we have...each day brings to us an opportunity...it's what we do with that opportunity that determines the course of our life, and as our lives pool into one, ultimately the course this world does take...
in every story there are heroes and villains...there are those who rise and those who fail...there are those who make it and those who do not...
but it's the journey that matters most...and if we travel with love and intention, speaking kindly and carrying a big heart, we take great first steps towards shaping and directing the shift and ultimately the outcome...
listen when all of this around us will fall over
i tell you what we're gonna do
you will shelter me my love
and i will shelter you
x.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
and so it begins...
wingman started his first year of "out of the house" preschool today...he schooled with us all last year, but because he can successfully poop and pee in the potty by himself, this year he is going to the little school through the woods next door...
apparently no child gets left behind unless they still pee their pants...
i have been joking with him for a few days now that when i drop him off i will stand outside of the door and cry and cry...this actually has eased what slight fear he had a bit...he finds it funny that i would be so sad that he was at school...
this morning he asked me if i was "really" going to stand outside the door and cry...i told him no, that i was "really" just kidding like i told him i was...
then he said
"yeah, because den the udder kids would say 'who is dat crying?...is dat your mom?'...and den i would say (and he does the next part in a spot on valley girl voice...???)...'um, no...dat is like my stepmom' "
and then he laughed and laughed while i poured another shot of whiskey into my coffee and endured visions of him in a few years walking ten feet ahead of me at all times in public places and diving down to the floor of the car whenever we drove past someone he knew...
i know that adolescents act like pre-schoolers at times, okay MOST of the time, but i am new to this pre-schoolers as adolescents thing...i didn't go through it with the duke (god love his nerdy little soul) but it seems i will be going through it with wingman...
guess it's time to fill the flask and lock up the girlie magazines...
x.
apparently no child gets left behind unless they still pee their pants...
i have been joking with him for a few days now that when i drop him off i will stand outside of the door and cry and cry...this actually has eased what slight fear he had a bit...he finds it funny that i would be so sad that he was at school...
this morning he asked me if i was "really" going to stand outside the door and cry...i told him no, that i was "really" just kidding like i told him i was...
then he said
"yeah, because den the udder kids would say 'who is dat crying?...is dat your mom?'...and den i would say (and he does the next part in a spot on valley girl voice...???)...'um, no...dat is like my stepmom' "
and then he laughed and laughed while i poured another shot of whiskey into my coffee and endured visions of him in a few years walking ten feet ahead of me at all times in public places and diving down to the floor of the car whenever we drove past someone he knew...
i know that adolescents act like pre-schoolers at times, okay MOST of the time, but i am new to this pre-schoolers as adolescents thing...i didn't go through it with the duke (god love his nerdy little soul) but it seems i will be going through it with wingman...
guess it's time to fill the flask and lock up the girlie magazines...
x.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
meet joe cat...
okay, this is creepy...
for the last few days since we've gotten back from our trip there is this cat hanging around...never seen him before, a stray most likely...out here we get strays from time to time so it's not that unusual...
except that this cat looks exactly like the dying cat!!...exactly...only younger, fitter, and with a tail (she lost hers very early on)...i kid you not, the exact spitting image!...and as our cat is a pure bred and kinda an unusual breed at that, it's even creepier!
our cat has a doppelganger!!
it hangs around all the time...just sitting in the driveway staring at the house, or on the porch staring at the door, or in the bush in the window staring in...
it is so incredibly creepy the way he stares in here, too...i can't tell if he's waiting for her to die or for me to take off my shirt...
shudder...i picked the wrong lifetime to live as a virtually single mother who is afraid of the dark in the middle of nowhere...just me and the boybarians and creepy joe cat...
and i saw that movie...how brad pitt um, *cozies* up to the daughter before he takes her father to the other side/death...uh huh, as creeped out as i am that cat had still better watch his step...
because i'm not sure exactly who he thinks the "daughter" is in this scenario, but it sure as hell is not me and he better not try to convice me otherwise...
and he is for damned sure no brad pitt...
x.
for the last few days since we've gotten back from our trip there is this cat hanging around...never seen him before, a stray most likely...out here we get strays from time to time so it's not that unusual...
except that this cat looks exactly like the dying cat!!...exactly...only younger, fitter, and with a tail (she lost hers very early on)...i kid you not, the exact spitting image!...and as our cat is a pure bred and kinda an unusual breed at that, it's even creepier!
our cat has a doppelganger!!
it hangs around all the time...just sitting in the driveway staring at the house, or on the porch staring at the door, or in the bush in the window staring in...
it is so incredibly creepy the way he stares in here, too...i can't tell if he's waiting for her to die or for me to take off my shirt...
shudder...i picked the wrong lifetime to live as a virtually single mother who is afraid of the dark in the middle of nowhere...just me and the boybarians and creepy joe cat...
and i saw that movie...how brad pitt um, *cozies* up to the daughter before he takes her father to the other side/death...uh huh, as creeped out as i am that cat had still better watch his step...
because i'm not sure exactly who he thinks the "daughter" is in this scenario, but it sure as hell is not me and he better not try to convice me otherwise...
and he is for damned sure no brad pitt...
x.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
the bitch is back...(sort of)
hello my friends!
man have i missed you all...i am only slightly back until monday...which is back to school for the duke and i so i can't make any promises of a real post...
so here i am...the last two weeks found me in the thick of lil sis's wedding and then a wonderful vacation seeing the absolute best people in the most beautiful places of california...
anyhow, just wanted to touch base and let you know you have not been let off the hook!
and just to let you know what i continue to deal with, vacation or otherwise, i offer you this little nugget regarding the port of oakland...wingman asked
"wow, what's in all those containers, mama!?"
"oh, all kinds of stuff from all over the world"
to which the duke replies
"yeah...like silks...and spices...and hyundais"
there oughta be a law.
looking forward to being back...
x.
man have i missed you all...i am only slightly back until monday...which is back to school for the duke and i so i can't make any promises of a real post...
so here i am...the last two weeks found me in the thick of lil sis's wedding and then a wonderful vacation seeing the absolute best people in the most beautiful places of california...
anyhow, just wanted to touch base and let you know you have not been let off the hook!
and just to let you know what i continue to deal with, vacation or otherwise, i offer you this little nugget regarding the port of oakland...wingman asked
"wow, what's in all those containers, mama!?"
"oh, all kinds of stuff from all over the world"
to which the duke replies
"yeah...like silks...and spices...and hyundais"
there oughta be a law.
looking forward to being back...
x.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
further proof that i should just stay home...
so yesterday i go to have a dress altered...
i have the dress on and the woman asks me what i need done to it...
so i say jokingly
"well i either need bigger boobs or the top needs to be taken in"
to which she responds
"oh no you boob is perfect!...you have the nice boob!...you boob aren't all wrinkly like old lady boob!...you pretty pretty girl!!"
um, okay...thank you for that?...really, good to know because it never occurred to me that i might have wrinkly boobs gawd almighty WHAT NEXT!...
really, i can't take myself anywhere...
after the *boob* incident i get dressed and she is becoming increasingly taken with wingman...in a very sweet completely creepy insane way...
"i love you! i love you! you come give grandma a hug and kiss!...i no bite you i love you!...i hug and kiss you!...you give me kiss i give you candy!"
oh my...
and wingman (who cannot be bribed, threatened, or cajoled into ANYTHING) is standing behind me with that look on his face like "lady, please! AS IF!"
so what does she do?...she starts at his feet laying chocolate down into a little trail leading towards the counter where she and i are standing finishing our transaction...
i'm doing my best to ignore the insanity and hurry up, and he's just standing there blatantly ignoring her and the trail of candy...
"see!...i give the candy!...you like the chocolate!...you come give grandma a kiss and a hug!...grandma loves you!!"
she and i finish up and agree when i'll come to pick up the dress (yes i have to go BACK!)...we say our goodbyes and wingman and i head out the door...
meanwhile as she's still calling to him that she loves him i look down and notice the entire trail of candy is gone and wingman's pockets are not so suspiciously bulging...
see now, that kid knows how to deal with the world at large...which is one trait he clearly does NOT get from his mother...i of the "fat" neck and the "no wrinkly boob"...
no, i am the human freak magnet times ten further complicated by my own inability to have a normal encounter with ANYONE, and wingman's all veni vidi vici mr. cool as a cucumber with a pocket full of chocolate and his integrity intact...
x.
i have the dress on and the woman asks me what i need done to it...
so i say jokingly
"well i either need bigger boobs or the top needs to be taken in"
to which she responds
"oh no you boob is perfect!...you have the nice boob!...you boob aren't all wrinkly like old lady boob!...you pretty pretty girl!!"
um, okay...thank you for that?...really, good to know because it never occurred to me that i might have wrinkly boobs gawd almighty WHAT NEXT!...
really, i can't take myself anywhere...
after the *boob* incident i get dressed and she is becoming increasingly taken with wingman...in a very sweet completely creepy insane way...
"i love you! i love you! you come give grandma a hug and kiss!...i no bite you i love you!...i hug and kiss you!...you give me kiss i give you candy!"
oh my...
and wingman (who cannot be bribed, threatened, or cajoled into ANYTHING) is standing behind me with that look on his face like "lady, please! AS IF!"
so what does she do?...she starts at his feet laying chocolate down into a little trail leading towards the counter where she and i are standing finishing our transaction...
i'm doing my best to ignore the insanity and hurry up, and he's just standing there blatantly ignoring her and the trail of candy...
"see!...i give the candy!...you like the chocolate!...you come give grandma a kiss and a hug!...grandma loves you!!"
she and i finish up and agree when i'll come to pick up the dress (yes i have to go BACK!)...we say our goodbyes and wingman and i head out the door...
meanwhile as she's still calling to him that she loves him i look down and notice the entire trail of candy is gone and wingman's pockets are not so suspiciously bulging...
see now, that kid knows how to deal with the world at large...which is one trait he clearly does NOT get from his mother...i of the "fat" neck and the "no wrinkly boob"...
no, i am the human freak magnet times ten further complicated by my own inability to have a normal encounter with ANYONE, and wingman's all veni vidi vici mr. cool as a cucumber with a pocket full of chocolate and his integrity intact...
x.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
now tell me how you really feel...
overheard last night in the back seat leaving the parking lot of a bike trail/skate park...
little friend: "hey, none of those kids are wearing helmets while they skate"
the duke: "that's because they're teenagers and they're practically free of their mothers"
nice.
and two days ago wingman tells me that when he grows up he wants fourteen children
"but we'll all still live with you and papa forever"
fabulous.
parenting is a lot like being incarcerated...if it doesn't make you cry it'll make you crazy...
x.
little friend: "hey, none of those kids are wearing helmets while they skate"
the duke: "that's because they're teenagers and they're practically free of their mothers"
nice.
and two days ago wingman tells me that when he grows up he wants fourteen children
"but we'll all still live with you and papa forever"
fabulous.
parenting is a lot like being incarcerated...if it doesn't make you cry it'll make you crazy...
x.
Monday, August 08, 2005
i need to call jennifer aniston and schedule a lunch...
seems the lord of the ring just got put on managing a big ol' project in england that brad pitt just happens to be collaborating on the design for...
which means the lord of the ring will likely at some point come into contact with brad and by default angelina jolie...
i told him look, i understand men are apparently powerless in her presence...like the avian flu you get it you deal with it and hopefully you come out alive...no biggie 'cuz what can you do, you know?...just be sure the mortgage is getting paid and in the end you haven't adopted any children i will eventually have to be responsible for...
and then today as we were driving home wingman pipes up from the back with a request only a four year old can conjure up
"i want a step-father like my cousin has!"
and i just thought, hey kid if your dad plays his cards right you just might get one AND a new mommy to boot!
heh heh...what would i do if i actually had a life i just don't know...
x.
which means the lord of the ring will likely at some point come into contact with brad and by default angelina jolie...
i told him look, i understand men are apparently powerless in her presence...like the avian flu you get it you deal with it and hopefully you come out alive...no biggie 'cuz what can you do, you know?...just be sure the mortgage is getting paid and in the end you haven't adopted any children i will eventually have to be responsible for...
and then today as we were driving home wingman pipes up from the back with a request only a four year old can conjure up
"i want a step-father like my cousin has!"
and i just thought, hey kid if your dad plays his cards right you just might get one AND a new mommy to boot!
heh heh...what would i do if i actually had a life i just don't know...
x.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
i wanna be sedated so cue the banjos, jimbob...
some days you stop and take a good look around and wonder why it is some charity hasn't just scooped you up and put you on a poster yet...
my doctor is concerned because i have a "fat"neck, i've got two dead cars in my front yard, and wingman's teeth are rotting out of his mouth faster than my "uncle" grant could put away a twelve pack...
i kid you not BOTH of our cars broke down as in DEAD within an HOUR of each other...the doctor is concerned about my "fat" neck and has been running some blood tests to rule out, um, hmmm, the fact that i have a "fat" neck???...
"have you ever noticed your neck seems large?"
"um, no...what do you mean by 'large'?"
"large as in 'fat'...be assured, the rest of you isn't 'fat'...you have some extra weight for the size of your frame, but i don't think it's a problem...yet...but i'm concerned about your neck"
um, what???!!!...unless you *are* "fat", which she says i am *not*, then why would your neck be "fat"???...doesn't that seem curious in that creepy lemony snicket kinda way???...i mean who says this???...and hey, she's also my gynecologist so what's next?...next she's gonna tell me i have a "fat" vagina???...then what in the hell am i gonna do??...
*curious* indeed...
but i digress...
it's wingman i'm most concerned about...my baby...that kid...lately i just want to pick him up hold him and not put him down...turns out he's got major decay on his four front teeth and some bits here and there on three others in the back...
they call it "baby bottle decay"...you know, you leave the kid with milk or juice at bedtime night after night in a bottle and it as they fall asleep the liquid pools and eats away at the front teeth?...
only the little bugger has never had a bottle in his life!...unless there's something he's not telling me...dude, maybe someone's been keeping him in rubber nipples and gatorade...the parents are always the last to know...
seriously it is a very sucky situation...words like "four caps on the front and three in the back" and "sedation" and "general anesthesia" and "sterile field" and "procedure possibly to be done at hospital" and "no parents allowed during" are being tossed around and this mama is having a time dealing with all of that...
wingman is an awesomely daredevilish kinda guy...but the dentist?...it took him two visits to just open his mouth...he's a nervous dental patient to be sure...and he's little...man is he little...so they are concerned for his ability to withstand it all...
and it's not like his dental hygiene has been neglected...i brushed and then he brushed, admittedly only occasionally flossed but floss was introduced!!, no bottle, healthy diet, and dot. dot. dot...
we did everything we were supposed to do and it still happened and i feel sick for wingman...
we go on monday for the consult...and a better idea of the decay...i haven't even mentioned the possibility that the decay is so bad he has to have all four front teeth pulled...let's keep our fingers crossed on that one...
everything happens to him...he's such a great, cool kid and lately everything happens to him...three weeks ago he stepped on a freshly dead rodent in the front yard in bare feet...got bitten by a deer tick two weeks ago (still waiting for the signs and symptoms on that)...and now, well now we get over the next hurdle...
poor kid...first it was the channeling of the big hair butt rock air guitar, and now the OBVIOUS predisposition to bad teeth...everyone says he looks like his father but damned it if everything else doesn't just scream MOM!!!...
at this point the best i can hope for is a swift and positive resolution to his teeth dilemma, more sophisticated channeling of *more importantly* better musical influences in the future, and above all no matter what just a bit of sedation gets kicked down my way in the meantime...
x.
p.s. could y'all keep wingman in your thoughts and prayers? i have a feeling he's gonna need all the vibes he can get...
my doctor is concerned because i have a "fat"neck, i've got two dead cars in my front yard, and wingman's teeth are rotting out of his mouth faster than my "uncle" grant could put away a twelve pack...
i kid you not BOTH of our cars broke down as in DEAD within an HOUR of each other...the doctor is concerned about my "fat" neck and has been running some blood tests to rule out, um, hmmm, the fact that i have a "fat" neck???...
"have you ever noticed your neck seems large?"
"um, no...what do you mean by 'large'?"
"large as in 'fat'...be assured, the rest of you isn't 'fat'...you have some extra weight for the size of your frame, but i don't think it's a problem...yet...but i'm concerned about your neck"
um, what???!!!...unless you *are* "fat", which she says i am *not*, then why would your neck be "fat"???...doesn't that seem curious in that creepy lemony snicket kinda way???...i mean who says this???...and hey, she's also my gynecologist so what's next?...next she's gonna tell me i have a "fat" vagina???...then what in the hell am i gonna do??...
*curious* indeed...
but i digress...
it's wingman i'm most concerned about...my baby...that kid...lately i just want to pick him up hold him and not put him down...turns out he's got major decay on his four front teeth and some bits here and there on three others in the back...
they call it "baby bottle decay"...you know, you leave the kid with milk or juice at bedtime night after night in a bottle and it as they fall asleep the liquid pools and eats away at the front teeth?...
only the little bugger has never had a bottle in his life!...unless there's something he's not telling me...dude, maybe someone's been keeping him in rubber nipples and gatorade...the parents are always the last to know...
seriously it is a very sucky situation...words like "four caps on the front and three in the back" and "sedation" and "general anesthesia" and "sterile field" and "procedure possibly to be done at hospital" and "no parents allowed during" are being tossed around and this mama is having a time dealing with all of that...
wingman is an awesomely daredevilish kinda guy...but the dentist?...it took him two visits to just open his mouth...he's a nervous dental patient to be sure...and he's little...man is he little...so they are concerned for his ability to withstand it all...
and it's not like his dental hygiene has been neglected...i brushed and then he brushed, admittedly only occasionally flossed but floss was introduced!!, no bottle, healthy diet, and dot. dot. dot...
we did everything we were supposed to do and it still happened and i feel sick for wingman...
we go on monday for the consult...and a better idea of the decay...i haven't even mentioned the possibility that the decay is so bad he has to have all four front teeth pulled...let's keep our fingers crossed on that one...
everything happens to him...he's such a great, cool kid and lately everything happens to him...three weeks ago he stepped on a freshly dead rodent in the front yard in bare feet...got bitten by a deer tick two weeks ago (still waiting for the signs and symptoms on that)...and now, well now we get over the next hurdle...
poor kid...first it was the channeling of the big hair butt rock air guitar, and now the OBVIOUS predisposition to bad teeth...everyone says he looks like his father but damned it if everything else doesn't just scream MOM!!!...
at this point the best i can hope for is a swift and positive resolution to his teeth dilemma, more sophisticated channeling of *more importantly* better musical influences in the future, and above all no matter what just a bit of sedation gets kicked down my way in the meantime...
x.
p.s. could y'all keep wingman in your thoughts and prayers? i have a feeling he's gonna need all the vibes he can get...
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