further proof that i should just stay home...

so yesterday i go to have a dress altered...

i have the dress on and the woman asks me what i need done to it...

so i say jokingly

"well i either need bigger boobs or the top needs to be taken in"

to which she responds

"oh no you boob is perfect!...you have the nice boob!...you boob aren't all wrinkly like old lady boob!...you pretty pretty girl!!"

um, okay...thank you for that?...really, good to know because it never occurred to me that i might have wrinkly boobs gawd almighty WHAT NEXT!...

really, i can't take myself anywhere...

after the *boob* incident i get dressed and she is becoming increasingly taken with wingman...in a very sweet completely creepy insane way...

"i love you! i love you! you come give grandma a hug and kiss!...i no bite you i love you!...i hug and kiss you!...you give me kiss i give you candy!"

oh my...

and wingman (who cannot be bribed, threatened, or cajoled into ANYTHING) is standing behind me with that look on his face like "lady, please! AS IF!"

so what does she do?...she starts at his feet laying chocolate down into a little trail leading towards the counter where she and i are standing finishing our transaction...

i'm doing my best to ignore the insanity and hurry up, and he's just standing there blatantly ignoring her and the trail of candy...

"see!...i give the candy!...you like the chocolate!...you come give grandma a kiss and a hug!...grandma loves you!!"

she and i finish up and agree when i'll come to pick up the dress (yes i have to go BACK!)...we say our goodbyes and wingman and i head out the door...

meanwhile as she's still calling to him that she loves him i look down and notice the entire trail of candy is gone and wingman's pockets are not so suspiciously bulging...

see now, that kid knows how to deal with the world at large...which is one trait he clearly does NOT get from his mother...i of the "fat" neck and the "no wrinkly boob"...

no, i am the human freak magnet times ten further complicated by my own inability to have a normal encounter with ANYONE, and wingman's all veni vidi vici mr. cool as a cucumber with a pocket full of chocolate and his integrity intact...

x.