i am a shopping cart voyeur...it doesn't matter where...the drugstore, supermarket, nursery...i want to know what everyone else is buying and then of course i feel compelled to pass judgment on the items i see...compelled...i can't help it, well, i really haven't tried...
so, in an attempt to somewhat even the score, i shall give you a peek into the shopping i did yesterday at target and the supermarket...
now, target is an interesting place in that you can get so many different items there it's very easy to be distracted...i have literally gone in with a list, and come out with as many things that were not on the list, and missing a few items that were...and i'm um, how do you say *frugal* (read cheap) so if i get sucked in i can only imagine what it does for others...
so, i went to target for the following items:
capri style workout pants (bought a pair on sale on saturday, decided to get another)
facial cleanser
diapers
swiffer cleaner pads
okay, this is a short list for target...only because i had done the usual *big* shop on saturday
so i go to get the pants...which are more for just wearing than actual working out...they are very comfortable, stretchy, with a drawstring waist...they are very forgiving pants...it is not lost on me that if i actually worked out in them, i may not need to wear them for regular pants...
anyway, they did not have my size left...well, they did, only in a really horrid baby blue...the babiest of blues, no thinks...BUT, they did have shorts made by the same people and also on sale...now, i am not about to wear workout shorts around like i wear workout pants, like to the store or in general public...BUT, i got them because i need shorts to wear around the house and to the beach...and they have a drawstring waist...again, the irony is not lost on me...
okay, so i head to the next area of target i need and get distracted by the boys clothing section...the boys don't need a thing, but i thought they might have little boy swim trunks on sale, and wingman could use a pair...so i look and they do...camouflaged with neon green frogs carrying some sort of stick like object in their, hands? paws?, what do frogs carry things around with?...
no thanks...
so i keep going and briefly consider a horribly ugly and impractical rug for the bathroom because it's on sale and will somewhat cover the horribly ugly and worn out linoleum that presently resides in the bathroom...
i come to my senses and move on...
then i see a sign for 50% off...head over and discover some outdoor and picnic items on sale...discover they are all in the shape of vegetables, the colors all just a little *too country-fied*...so i move on to the next isle that is all 50% off...this aisle is all summer stuff...their whole line of summer items!...all 50% off?
now wait a minute?...is summer over?...if you go in to target apparently it is...i mean i can see putting all the fourth of july stuff on sale, but the entire summer stock?...
i get so confused by this i wander into the candle aisle by mistake...
blech...okay, some of the candles smell all right...but c'mon!...i have smelled an actual cool breeze, and the candle they have labeled as "cool breeze" is nowhere close to that!...
i leave the candle aisle and head to the aisle with the facial cleansers...i know, why not just use soap!...or say soap!...quit saying facial cleanser!...but have to say facial cleanser because i wrote down facial cleanser and because it's a specific item...and besides i can't use soap on my face...if i did, my skin would shrink and fall off of my face...
so on my way to the facial cleansers, which by the way, are NOT in the aisle marked "facial care" ????, i am now down an aisle that seems to be dedicated to delicate hair removal, indoor tanning products, and those "feminine sprays" that i never have figured out...
do they not warn people of this!...i mean the aisle is marked "personal care" but what does that mean?...and i don't like aisles like this, they are just stocked too full with *intimate items*...it's like being in a public restroom without doors on the stalls...
but, of course, i am oddly sucked in...
so i don't understand how you can pump liquidy mousse stuff out of what appears to be a whipped cream-like can, smear it on your legs, and call it a tan?...how could you possibly get it even?...and why would you want to in the first place?...
and then there is this thing...i have seen it advertised on t.v. in some sort of soft porn/fetish type commercial...it's a "bladeless razor"...huh?...and the package says that it is a "bladeless razor" AND ALSO SAYS "does not contain a razor"...???
if they think their customers are idiots, why even try to introduce the very idea of a "bladeless razor"?...
apparently, you apply the cream, again out of some whipped cream lookin' can, and wait like 5 or 6 minutes BUT NO MORE THAN EIGHT MINUTES and do it in an empty bathtub or shower SO IT DOESN'T SPILL OR DRIP ONTO FABRIC ITEMS OR FURNITURE!!! the can warns, and then scrape it off with this pink scraper thing that looks oddly like a playdough tool...okay, so what is this all about?...and exactly what happens after eight minutes?...and what's it gonna do to my fabric items?...if it can't drip onto my fabric items, why would i want it on my skin?...sounds a little too risky, and yet to see the commercial you'd think it was no big deal..'cuz those two are just rolling all over the house with this stuff...snuggling and giggling it up like someone just took viagra...
apparently they didn't read the can...and if someone just took viagra, they might have trouble making that eight minute cut-off...
in addition to that they have a whole series of hair removal products that don't include the razor-like non-razor playdough tool, but do advertise that they are "touchless"...what?...why would you need "touchless"?...they apparently are applied by rolling on...but all i can think is that it reminds me of all those "touchless" car washes you see down in southern california (which i never understood either)...the kind with all the dark swarthy men waiting to towel dry your vehicle when it comes out...
uh, no thanks...
by now i am worn out...but luckily i am right next to the diaper aisle...only to find out that the diapers wingman can't live without (don't get me started) HAVE CHANGED THEIR DESIGN AND CHANGED THE CHARACTER THEY PUT ON THE ACTUAL DIAPER!...this is just too too much...wingman is very attached, and with me trying to gently nudge him to potty training this could just set him back!...
this is the deal...he has to use disposables because he is so prone to rash...and the disposables that have worked best for us both in size and price just happen to have barney on them...while he only has a very passing interest in the actual barney, he LOVES these diapers...they have five different scenes of barney doing various things...flying to the moon, going to the beach, etc...did i mention he LOVES these diapers?...
so a week or so ago i was on the phone and got off...wingman wanted to know who i had been talking to...
and then it just popped out of my mouth...i don't know what possessed me but i said
"barney called...he wants his diapers back"
wingman just looked at me and said
"no"
so it's become kinda a joke, but it morphed a bit...into what i thought was working in my favor when i tried to convince him that barney thought he was SO big now he didn't need the diapers...and that barney could give them to some babies that did...
he wasn't buying it, and i basically let it go...
except now i see that they have taken barney OFF of the diapers and put another character ON...no more barney diapers...apparently he really did want them back...
just great...this is one of those moments when i really have to stop and wonder how long wingman will be on the therapist's couch for this particular parental mistake...
i grab the diapers anyway and move on...allllll the way across the store to the cleaning products to get swiffer floor pads...
by now i am grumpy and i still have to go to the grocery store...as i am grabbing the pads i see this confused man with a list, obviously not written by him, start to ask me a question...
oh, god...i am so beyond helping anyone...especially some confused man with a list not written by him...i could be here all day...
he starts to ask me his question and i swear i did a very un-neighborly thing and just ignored him...well, i didn't ignore him really, just gave him a very blank stare and moved on...i didn't even feel bad...well, a little, and hoped he wouldn't be in line behind me...
so i get in line and am almost to the front when i realize i have forgotten the facial cleanser...which is in an aisle in another part of the store...an aisle that is separate from the soap, and in fact farther away than the soap aisle...
sigh...me and my high falutin' needs...it's almost worth risking my face falling off from using the bar soap in my bathroom just so i don't have to venture back into the retail bowels of target...
i get to the aisle and after 15 minutes i choose the one i think will work the best...and it was so confusing because they all basically say the same thing, but in a different way...and it's been so long since i actually bought new facial cleanser, and they didn't have the kind i usually use, and all the packaging of some that seemed familiar has all changed...
sometimes i feel so out of step with *life* that it's like i've been frozen for years and everything's changed in the meantime...
i finally make it to the register and don't realize until i am land-locked by the two carts behind me that the guy in front of me is the guy with the list...
so of course i try to look invisible while also trying to peer into his cart...he had the following items
a bottle of midol (for pms)
a clorox ready mop
with a box of swiffer wet jet pads to go with the clorox ready mop
i should have helped him...now it's too late...it's obvious some female type person sent him to the store, with a list no less, and it's obvious he largely failed...and at the wrong time of the month to boot...
and there he was just innocently paying for his purchases...no clue as to what awaited him...poor guy, he doesn't stand a chance...
i would go through my grocery list and subsequent trip to the store, but i don't think either of us have that kind of time...or energy...
suffice it to say, i was armed with a diverse and well planned menu for the week accompanied by an extensive and well written list, was shopping without kids, and yet, somehow, we are still managing to have chicken three times this week...
x.
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