growing pains...

"growing hurts"

a friend said this to me the other day...that growing and reaching and stretching into and as an adult hurts...

i agree...i have done my fair share of growing in my limited years here on earth...most of it sucked...sure i'm reaping the benefits of it now, but it sucked then...

i have friends in pain...and i don't have a clue what to do...what do you do?...

when all you want is to put your arms around someone and gather them as close as you possibly can to your heart and tell them it will be okay...really, it will...

when you know that it won't, well at least not now, and not for a long long time...and people in pain don't want advice or encouragement...they want someone to agree with them and wallow along with them...advice and encouragement as well meaning as it is can be selfish, pompous, and it can be dismissive... 

i have been in deep pain and i know that for the most part i like to be left alone...that my grief will not truly play out with others as audience...that i must go it alone, until i can go no further...

others do need to have somewhat of a circle around them...any number of people to rail and cry and shout why?!? to...people who will hopefully not offer, just listen...

when watching friends suffer, i do my best not to suffer along...to not cry when they do...(although i have found i am not so good at not getting angry on their behalf)...i want to be compassionate but i believe i am best suited to just be *strong*...whatever that is...but later, in the night or the tub or doing the dishes the tears will come...tears of pain and exasperation and anger...tears for my friends, tears for myself...because the loss my friends suffer is too a loss i suffer in my own right...

but however vulnerable i am to the pain of my friends, i must remember that it is not my pain...

like raising kids...i have learned to be a bit less fearful of their growing up...letting wingman climb just one rung higher without my hand to block him...letting the duke make a great deal of his own choices while really really trying to bite my tongue...

i want to be there every moment, or i used to...now i can see the fallacy of that, and how it will impede growth...wingman must see how high he can climb on his own, and the duke has to recognize what it means to make choices, and how to deal with the rewards or consequences of such...

and as i do this with my children, so i must with my friends...because while i'd like to shake someone and say open your eyes! or there is always another choice! or please just hear me out! or it won't always be this way!, it's not my place...i cannot spot them during their growing and i cannot shield them from their pain...

the *wisdom* (and i use that term loosely) of my experience and well meaning advice means nothing, and more importantly it is not my place...even as i am in the midst of being guilty of doing it, it is not my place... 

so what do you do?...

you keep answering the phone...you pray that clarity will come to them...you hope that the pain they are suffering will bring lessons and lessons will bring growth and growth will ease the pain and shepherd your friends into an existence that is one of growing and not one exclusively of pain...you wish for them that the cycle will carry them along and you wish for yourself that you can be patient with their choices...because they are not your choices to make...

i lost a friend to death earlier this year...and among the many lessons i came away with in that grieving is that my friends are more important and far more dear to me than i could have ever have known...

and like my own kids, when they grieve i grieve too...i just hope that by remaining where i am, and continuing to have faith the passage of time that i will see them happy again...and if not happy, at the very least no longer in pain, yet having had experienced growth from the lessons that accompanied the pain...and that what i have learned from my experiences and growth is really just best applied to my own self...

that i must remember to tell myself, that this too, shall pass...even if i can't say it to them...

x.