i have assembled a dream team of *experts* to give me a makeover...really a life makeover...a tweaking and reshaping of certain areas that give me trouble...make me better, hipper, smarter, happier...the difference in this makeover is that the *experts* have to come a live with me forever...because really, anyone can be made over for the day, or even the week...
but what about the rest of the month, the year, my LIFE!...who can keep up that kind of momentum!...
no, this makeover requires the continued and dedicated presence of the following team of experts...
*first up we have to go with dr. phil in the area of self motivation...sure he's annoying, yeah he's pompous, but i love him!...i need him to kick me in the ass at least once a day...get me motivated...because as i like to say, what would dr. phil say?...he'd say
"you need to get real with your life!...what is it that you want?...you need to ask yourself that question, and you need to give yourself an answer...you owe it to yourself to be honest...and if you can't do that, if you can't do that then you're living half a life...the wrong half..."
yup, that's gonna get me right out of bed!...i'm gonna get real with my life, i'd say!...i'm up i'm up!...
i just hope dr. phil made coffee...
*next off we have the queer eye for the straight guy crew...okay, i'm not a straight guy, but i'm about as knowledgeable as one when it comes to the following subjects...
fashion
personal grooming
i really really need carson kressley to go through my *wardrobe*...as much for the sight gags and laughs as for a final kick in the pants to get rid of the collection of bandanas i have...i cannot even imagine the horribly mean things he'd say about my fashion choices, but i'd be laughing so hard i don't think it would matter...
"all these bandanas and stretchy pants?...your wardrobe is like the love child of keith richards and a curves gym..."
and my hair!...kyan for certain can do something with my hair...he'd probably break it to me gently that it indeed is not 1979, and my hair has got to go...i'd tell him, but i'm growing it out!...and he'd have some fabulous solution to the problem...
i'd probably even get to go to a salon or even a spa!...oh, but leave the house?!?...really actually go down the driveway in a car and physically leave?...is that even possible?...just imagine...i guess i could get dr. phil to watch the kids...
*up now we have kevin calabro, announcer for the seattle supersonics...he gives the best play by play of any sportscaster i have ever heard...he has such a repertoire, and he's funny...no one is more clever or funny than he is announcing a game...
i could go about my day, and there he would be...making my life seem more exciting and interesting than it possibly has the capacity to be...announcing all my daily tasks, peppering his banter with clever phrases that showcase my talents, and cheering me on!...
and, the beauty is, the inner dialogue and narration i have going about my life can now stop...not only is it boring, it's weird, and with someone else doing it for me, it will free up so much mental space!...think of what i can accomplish!...well, at least in my mind...
*the car talk guys come next...they will serve as my daily phone call from someone who cares...not only are they funny as hell, they seem to really care about the condition of peoples cars...which i could exploit and turn into them caring about not only my car but *me* as well...and they know a LOT!...who knows what i can get them to care about!...
"you know, i have to say that if you actually worked out in the work out pants that you bought, you might not have to wear them for regular pants in the first place"
"although it pains me to do so, i have to agree with my brother on this one"
-insert fabulous and rich and comforting laughter here-
"it was good talking to you today...take care"
"oh, and don't drive like my brother!"
"yeah, and don't drive like my brother!"
-insert more fabulous and rich and comforting laughter here...oh, and the banjos-
*by now, i'm exhausted by my fabulous and interesting life...time to relax...for this, we come to phil liggett, long time announcer of the tour de france...if you have not heard this guy's voice, you have to check it out...it's like a warm bath...or a drink...or both...
so phil would come by and i'd fix him a drink and we'd just chat...it doesn't matter about what...although i have a sneaking suspicion bike racing and lance armstrong would come up...if i could hear him say in person "u.s. postal service" just once...
of course it's probably right about this time the other phil, dr. phil, would come up and ask me if this is what i want?...to be drinking in the middle of the afternoon with some old british guy?...is this my *intention* for my life?...did i ask the question, did i give myself an answer?...am i getting *real* with myself?...
maybe, maybe not...but i'll tell you what, dr. phil, i am getting *real*ly annoyed with you...
damn dr. phil!...i'd have to have the queer eye guys tie him up and send him to the car talk uncles in boston...they've got to know a guy who can take care of him...
but then who would watch the kids?...
sigh, there goes my trip to the spa...
x.
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