and i don't mean in movie form...
the duke and the lord of the ring have been reading harry potter lately...they are nearly done with book three...
he hasn't seen the movies as we wanted him to get into the books and his imagination before the movies (which are excellent and he will LOVE them, i'm sure) did it for him...
so, he's really gotten into them...knowing they are fiction, but thinking perhaps some part of them could be real...which works in my favor in that we are studying latin this next school year and he thinks that is way cool...so he can learn spells...
god help us all...
anyway, it's been a really positive and exciting experience for him...
that just got better...
some days ago we were at an ice cream store with an adjoining candy shop...and what does he spy but a long box filled with "bertie bott's every flavor beans"...now, if you haven't read the books or seen the movies, these are basically jelly beans, but with a twist...a la willy wonka and the chocolate factory these beans can taste like anything...chocolate, grape jelly, earwax, tripe, etc...and the best part is you never know what you're gonna get...
well, while reading the book the duke was enthralled with the idea of these beans, so you can imagine his surprise in seeing them in person...and it wasn't the small box you might see at the supermarket check out, this was a box worthy of wanting...
he went on and on and on about it...
"but they have earwax, and vomit, and earthworm!...ten flavors in all!"
we didn't get the box because we had had ice cream, and weren't getting candy on top of that...
he was pretty disappointed...
until last night...because when he got upstairs to read, there on his pillow right next to the book was a box of bertie bott's every flavor beans...
man, you should have seen his face!...
earlier in the week i had sent the lord of the ring to fetch the box and give it to him when they were nearly done with the book...i remember saying
"they don't really taste like the things they say, do they?"
"oh no, that's gross...they are just jelly beans"
i kinda thought it would be cool if they did, but was glad they don't...who in their right mind would eat a vomit flavored jelly bean?...
so back to last night...the duke is reading the flavors included in the box...
"earwax, spaghetti, black pepper, earthworm, sardine, dirt, soap, grass, vomit, and booger...hey, what's a booger?"
the kid does not know what a booger is because i never taught him the word booger...because it is one of the most vile words in the human language, and it is not spoken in our house...sometimes i secretly think we homeschool just so he won't go to public school and learn the word booger...
appetizing flavors, huh?...plus, it's like a box of chocolates, they are all in their own compartment, and are the color(s) of what they are supposed to be...
grass is green, black pepper is grey and black, booger is just gross...you get the idea...
so he considers awhile which one to try, clearly expecting them to taste as they say they will...it's at this point i'm a bit bummed for him...i mean, here he has this candy he's been dying for, and it's cool, but i know he'll be a bit disappointed because they aren't real after all...sometimes it sucks being a kid...life seems so mysterious and cool until you realize it's just one big marketing scheme...
just then, the sardine bean hit...the duke had tried the grass, said it was "okay", and got the lord of the ring to agree to taste a sardine...gamely playing along with the appropriate grimacing (but loving jelly beans) he pops the sardine in his mouth...
he's saying "oh my god, ewwwwwww!" and kinda making this gagging noise and seems to either be laughing or crying...man, i think, i never knew the lord of the ring was such a good actor...then he says as he races by me on the way downstairs to the sink
"it really does taste like sardines!"
and then i realize, this really is a box of bertie bott's every flavor beans STRAIGHT FROM THE BOOK!...jelly beans that taste like the disgusting things they say they taste like!...it's real...harry potter has come to life in the duke's bedroom...
the duke is at once disgusted and totally completely thrilled...earwax is kinda waxy tasting, spaghetti is sort of bland and wheaty, etc...
i tried the grass, it was kinda herby...
and then the lord of the ring begged me to try vomit because he did and wanted to share the disgusting experience with his lovely wife...who in their right mind would eat a vomit flavored jelly bean?...apparently i would and so would the man i married...and i did, purely for the duke's sake...remembering all the while that this was my bright idea...plus, no one has ever accused me of being in my right mind...
vomit didn't taste like vomit, but more like the way your mouth and throat taste after you vomit...acidy, and really creepy...
after that i needed to clean out my mouth so i tasted the soap, and it tasted like the absolute worst cheap perfumed soap you have ever used...
they are made by jelly belly, i should've guessed...and even though i briefly considered the fact that they could be real, i never truly believed they would be...because it's just too disgusting a notion...
perfect if you're a seven year old boy...
but i have to say, my little adventurer has yet to try all the beans...he's scared...as well he should be, they're gross!...
and, in a moment of bravado, i told him i would try each one of them today...blech...but i'm going to do it...good thing i already tried vomit...and as disgusting as it is, it's just priceless the see the duke so excited and into it...
"here wingman, you used to like to eat dirt...here's a dirt flavored jelly bean"
"yuck!" says wingman, staring at the duke with a look that says "i may be three but i'm not stupid!"...
or the following exchange between the duke and i at breakfast this morning
"mama, what is vomit?"
"it's throw-up"
"ugh...i had no idea"
so there you go...as much as i am disgusted, and still have six more beans to try, i am so glad the jelly beans are just like they are in the book...it's great to see a child's imagination validated and brought to life...even if it is the form of an earthworm flavored jelly bean...
and there are plenty of them here...it's a fairly big box...i don't anticipate the contents going quickly...
so if you pay us a visit anytime soon, you too can satisfy your curiosity and be as equally as disgusted...
oh, and be very aware if the duke suddenly and generously offers you a handful of oddly colored jelly beans...
x.
oh, and vill gluck zum geburril to the goddess mother!...that's happy birthday (or something like it) in schwyzerduetsch...swiss german...the glowingly beautiful pregnant goddess mother is presently in switzerland with the mathematician and today is her birthday...so, old girl, may you have the happiest of birthdays, and may you continue to find bathrooms and linzer tortes when you need them...i love you, x.
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