last week i explained to the duke that as the big brother he was the *leader*...
that it was obvious that almost anything he did wingman would copy...this was not news to him, but i felt that i needed to address it in much more depth than i had before...
and while the duke of fun isn't a particularly reckless or daring boy, he definitely is rambunctious...and sometimes that rambunctiousness translates into dangerous or annoying behavior...
all of which wingman is just soaking up...
i used to worry about this...that the duke's growing up was hampered by the things he *couldn't do because of wingman* and conversely wingman was doing things and learning things *much faster than the duke ever did*...
i don't worry about this so much anymore because it's a colossal waste of time and energy...it's about who came first and who came after...birth order...you are born when you are...and nothing changes that...
so the fact that the duke has attendant responsibility with being the oldest child, and wingman is doing things at three that the duke wasn't even close to getting to do at six, that's the way it goes...
and i should know a thing or two about birth order...both that it does play a part in our personality and that you can't pick where you are in the order...where am i?...i am the middle child...and i am a middle child to a definite and worried and moody "t"...
i still remember the day my parents brought my younger sister home from the hospital...it was really really hot...and my parents came in and put this baby down on the couch and she was screaming her head off...she was obviously in discomfort because of the heat, but at nearly four years old i hadn't a clue about any of that...all i remember is peering down at her and thinking, oh great...this is not good...
and it wasn't that *she* was not good, i did enjoy having a younger sister, well, until she became stronger and cleverer than me, it's that inherently i knew that another child made three...and as the second of three, i was the middle child and therefore doomed...
don't ask me how i knew...must be a middle child thing...
middle children are an interesting lot...the first borns tend to get the glory and the last borns get the spotlight...therefore, most likely not intentionally yet certainly not surprisingly, the middle child is left sweeping the stage and turning off the lights...
of course not always, nothing is absolute...but it tends to be that if you have the achiever ahead of you, the one who gets all the glory and attention (whether positive or negative attention is dependent on the particular person) and then the superstar behind you, the one who gets away with murder, the middle child somehow gets outshined...therefore, *place* in family is not firmly established, and the middle child is somehow left scrambling (or not) to try and *fit* in...they tend to become secretive and sensitive as a result...independent...hard to read...odd...
trust me, it explains a LOT about much of my behavior as a child and young adult...and i have a sneaking suspicion it's what indirectly led me to inadvertently flash an entire restaurant filled with my friends and family with my 24 year old bottom while trying to just show a few my new tattoo...
but i digress...
now, i only have two children...so the *middle child* does not come into play...but who is the *leader* does...and they say that in a family of two, second borns tend to be the exact opposite of first borns...
again, it really does depend on the actual children...but it happens enough that it becomes part of the *something to think about* club...
and while i'm not trying to box my children in, when the facts present themselves, i need to be willing to explore my options...
and the fact is, they are still developing their personalities, and far be it for me to *pin* them down at this stage of the game...
however, the duke is first and therefore he is wingman's prime example for behavior...and i would like to influence that towards the positive...
that's where being the *leader* comes in...
only i took it one step further...and i let him know that he was the *leader*, but more than that, i would like him to be *a leader*...not just the guy who does everything first, but the guy who becomes a positive influence on his younger brother...a younger brother who is already proving himself to fit in quite nicely with the "second born" behavior traits of birth order...one of which is whatever the duke does, he does...another of which is anything he does it in his own special, dramatic, and totally off-beat way...which is natural as he is an individual, but his way of doing things is far different from how the duke did anything at that age...
and this may seem like a big lot of something to ask of a seven year old...to be a leader...a leader even to a child who does most things his own way...
but i don't think so...first, i don't *expect* it of him, i made it clear that's what i'd like him to think about...because whether or not he likes being the big brother, he is...and that's NOT going to change, and as a result he has two little blue eyes watching nearly everything he does (well, four, if you count mine!)...and that he has a choice when it comes to his actions...and second, i have found that in situations such as this if the lord of the ring and i are clear and concise about what we are asking for, and act as *guides* rather than *law* with our boys, they are more likely to actually participate in positive decision making...and that children in general are capable of much much more than we think they are...
also, i do have to say that while wingman is capable of doing anything the duke does, there are times when he also does things on his own right beside the duke...and the duke is doing things on his own right beside wingman...they are not always a pair...a glimpse of the future...
it should be an adventure to see how the duke leads, and how wingman will follow...and to see at which point their paths truly split, taking them in the direction they are each meant to go...when the duke no longer feels the responsibility of being the *only* leader and wingman charts his own course and flies on his own...
for now, i enjoy watching them unfold in the presence of one another...finding their way on the same path, at times side by side, hand grabbing hand at the missteps, but for the most part, the duke in front paving the way and wingman following close behind...
x.
oh, and happy happy birthday to the firstborn!!!...were it not for you, i wouldn't be the middle child...and i wouldn't change that or you being my big sister for the world...lovelovelove, x.
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