Friday, May 29, 2009

oy to the vey.



so, we're losing our house.

at this point, we have exhausted all resources, avenues, etc. we don't have the money to "fix" this. nor do we have the luxury of time anymore.

we did everything we could, we did our best, and it just wasn't good enough.

though i'll tell you what, even when you know something is coming, it's still a shock. sometimes i just stop and say, what just happened here? even though it's been "happening" for awhile.

so.

it's been interesting here at the razor's edge.

but i have to say, even now, with that huge clock ticking, the red circle on the calendar keeping vigil, i continue to remain optimistic and hold space for a miracle. miracles happen every. single. day. right?

i look out at my yard and the first things i see are my mary and my buddha, and the bursting blooming plants and flowers that return each year, blessing me for more than a decade, despite the harshness of the winter before. and i am reminded that the miraculous is possible and all around us.

i am reminded that there are bigger forces at work here, and i will do what i can to keep remembering that and not beat myself up about the rest. the what i "could" have dones. because whatever happens happens for a reason. i must believe that. i do believe that. my life will not be defined by what happens, but how i deal with it.

what is falling apart around us is really just a matter of a shift in how we choose to look at it. right? there is a crack in everything. that's how the light gets in. thank you leonard cohen.

and the thing is i could really freak out about this. and i do have those moments when the fear and the sadness overwhelm me, and that's real. there's nothing like waking up in the middle of the night clutching your chest, gasping for breath and wondering just what in hell you're going to do to put things into perspective. to literally be brought to your knees with reality and fierce praying to anyone who will listen. to look at your children and start forming the words you may eventually have to say out loud.

and ALL are authentic reactions so i will honor them. and i do. i allow them space. but only so much. because the bottom line is if i allow only the negative to take over then there isn't room for the miracle. the light and the movement and the going forward.

and i've found that no good comes from freaking the fuck out anyway. amen.

in the end it's about love and it's about faith. not what you have or don't have. not what you lost, but what you keep deep inside. my life is filled with so much more love and spiritual contentment than many could ever imagine, and no amount of what is taken from me can take that away. my faith will carry me through like it always has. i just have to remain open.

i just have to believe in me. and in my husband. and i do. and one thing i have learned through all of this is that we really can get through anything. without the fight and without a battle. just sticking together and trusting each other. it's nice to be tested and shown that you can do it. it's made an already strong relationship stronger, and for that i am thankful. really truly thankful.

because we all know what money (or the decided lack thereof), and the issues that it can breed, is capable of doing to relationships. right?

and the worst case scenario? we lose a house. oh, that is so profoundly sad and that is a lot, this is our home. and has been for a decade. this place is magic, our magic. but in the grand scheme of things it's a drop in the bucket. it can always be worse. because we are losing a thing, we are not losing a child, our health, our minds (well, the jury's always out on that one!) our faith in the universe.

and in losing my home i won't have to run from it with what i can carry on my back while doing so. i have time and i have support. there are so many in the world who aren't a fraction as fortunate as i am.

so we move forward and hope for the best. and we are scared and we are sad and we are still working our asses off and trying make room for the miracle that allows us to stay, but we're good. i'm good.

life just is. it's when you start taking it personally that you start losing perspective.

and this is my one beautiful life, right? i sure as hell am not giving up now!!

so no matter what happens, i'm just going to keep calm and carry on.

that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

x.

1 comment:

Drew said...

I could not read this and not comment.

I hope that in the face of adversity, the next time she knocks on my door, I can find the grace to be as open and thoughtful as you are. I tend to go kicking and screaming and in ugly ways. You are beautiful in the face of transition.