Friday, May 01, 2009

birth order is the original bitch.

last week at wingman's ball game i was by myself. the duke had an extra practice that he had to be at and the lord of the ring took him. so i sat on the bleachers on the left at the top nearly in the corner.

a few minutes before game time an older man came and sat on the top bleacher. 4 feet from me.

can i say that there wasn't any one else on the top bleacher? in fact, there weren't very many people in the bleachers at all. and they are a big set of bleachers!

okay, whatever, no big deal. there's space but he likes that spot. so fine.

so we're watching the game and all of a sudden his adult daughter joins him. and does she sit to the right of him, where there is a whole bleacher? no, she sits to the left of him! next to me. so that means, at this point, there's like a space and a half in between us. so i'm thinking, all right, that's weird. but maybe they have different space issues. meaning NONE at all. but whatever. my stuff is here. i like this seat. i'll just stay.

then, and you know where i'm going with this, the mother joins them. loudly. and all huggy.

"ohhh, hi mom. i didn't think you'd make it!"

"well, it ended early. oh, honey, you're all skin and bones."

"oh, i don't think so."

"oh, i do."

not skinny enough i say. if she were i might have more room.

so then the mother goes to sit. and does she sit next to the father on the right side? NO! she sits in between her husband and daughter!

so the daughter shifts over and there is now a half a spot in between us! that's all of less than 12 inches! like maybe 8 inches! which would be fine if we were friends, relatives, came together, or, you know, even knew each other.

so fine. i gather up all my stuff (purse, coffee cup, jacket, phone) and move down two bleachers.

and then when the game was over i found out they didn't even have a kid on our team. they were from the other team. but they didn't like the view from the other bleachers.


then yesterday in yoga i got there early. imagine my surprise when i saw a ton of people already there! it was already crowded and there was someone in my usual spot. and i have never even seen her before so it was annoying but i searched out another.

so the only spots left were against the wall in the back or in the exact middle of the room. the crowded middle. so it wasn't even much of a spot.

i went to the back wall spot and set up my stuff. then this one woman and then the token man come in and got all confused because this is "their" spot. whatever. they've been in class, what? a month? two? they don't even know each other but they were sure banded together in their whining!

oh. my. god. the handwringing! the hemming! and hawing! can i say i've been in this yoga class way longer than them! find a new spot. get over it. i did.

and there was still one spot left against the wall. and one farther over by the door. a spot many people have used many times. and it's not bad because no one is going in and out of the door and there's no light that shines right overhead. and then the guy is all

"oh, i guess i'll put my stuff here by the door." complete with a big sigh.

oh, boo hoo, soft serve. it's not gitmo for cryin' out loud. i've been by the door plenty of times. get over it. and, then i hear from him

"wow, it's really crowded today. it's hard to think of not being by the back wall."

"i know. i sure like the security of the back wall."

then to me kind of annoyed and in a sort of commanding tone a teacher might use with a student

"um, could you move down an inch?"

"or two?"

yeah. sure. i could. but then i'd be lunging right into the ass of the 80 year old woman in front of me. no thanks.

"i'll tell you what! how about i move to the middle? and you guys can have the whole back wall?"

"oh, could you?!?"

"that would be great!"

"we need the security of the wall!"

"yeah! we don't like everyone looking at us!"

"well, just so you know, i don't particularly care for it either. but, i'll take one for the team on this one!"

and then i gave my fake ha ha laugh and moved before i had the chance to entertain my annoyance and act on it.

then i heard

"but you're young."

"yeah, better you than us."

and then they broke into some big hearty chuckles like it was some great thing to be all old and curmudgeonly and whiny and not funny. then busied themselves with setting up against the back wall.

and then for the rest of the class, everywhere i turned, straining, or relaxed, ass in the air, or legs splayed and crotch forward i had someone up in my grill. on all 4 sides, for all 60 minutes.


and why did i move both times? except for being FORCED out? because i'm the middle child.

and that's just how we roll.



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