sidewalks and stoplights...

they say change is constant...and i suppose given how much change i have seen in my own life i'd have to say that statement is correct...

why is it then that when one is faced with change, directly or indirectly, asked for or faced with, it still feels jarring?

last night we were at the park having a dinner picnic...we met up with a man who was there with his three daughters...triplets and nearly teenagers...the moment i saw them i thought to myself, wow, the next few years are going to bring a lot of change to that man...

as it turns out the man, "doc" as he is called by his friends, had spent the last year facing extreme change...he had a work related accident, and as a result in less than a year he lost his house, his car, his insurance, and his livelihood...he can no longer work and he and his wife were just trying to scrape by raising these girls...

change had shoved him over the cliff and he was hanging on...

while we were driving home mulling over the man's circumstance and putting our own into perspective, i noticed one more new stoplight and the beginnings of street side curbs and a sidewalk...wal-mart is coming, hell it's here!...and paving the way for others to follow...having carved out more than a fair bit of the rural area, this particular pied piper is the best in the business...dealing in increased traffic, increased development, decreased way of life...

sigh...and i'm hypocritical enough to know that even though i don't like it, i will probably shop there...it's less than four miles from my home, and a hell of a lot cheaper than anywhere else...and that matters since the past few years have brought a significant financial change to our family...

what i wonder though, is how far will it creep?...how far into the open space and the trees and the pastures will change come?...because once you start putting in sidewalks and stoplights, it seems as if the invitation has been made and accepted...and if everyone else is like me, disliking but acquiescing, who will be there to stop it?...

we arrived home and readied the boys for bed...and last night was no ordinary night...change followed our own family home in the form of wingman's first night in his own bed...which meant the first night of the duke sharing his room...and after seven years of sharing our bed with children, the lord of the ring and i had the bed to ourselves...

the necessary pomp and circumstance was carried out and finally both boys were sound asleep, in their own room, in their own beds...and just like that, our family dynamic shifted and made room for change...

and while it is a needed and inevitable change, it is still a bit jarring and more that a bit bittersweet...and paves the way for the change to come...that invitation having been accepted long ago when we decided to start a family...

while in the face of change, it occurs to me just how much of my life is built around routine...the things i must do each day for my children's health, welfare, growth and piece of mind...for my own...

and while i am in this routine, i am constantly trying to hone it and streamline it so it is even more *routine*...

meanwhile, life is shifting and changing around me and i may not even notice...so fully immersed in this life, *life* such as it is marches on right outside my window...

i'd like to find a way to march with it...to be a part of the ebb and flow, the good the bad and the ugly...to be a part of something greater than myself and my family...

but the reality is there isn't anything greater than my family and the job i do...not to me...not right now...

yet, as life marches on outside my window, it too will inside these four walls our family has built...walls that for the most part keep the outside at bay, insuring the world doesn't get too big for those who are still small...and yet over time, change and it's constant nature will continue to shift our family dynamic...and as it does these walls will grow and allow for the inside to assimilate the outside and vice versa...

and when this happens i look forward to once again being part of the flow...being a part of the march that is greater than my own reality...still marching to my own beat, but marching along nonetheless...

and that opportunity will come faster than i think it will...because while the days may be long, the years are short...and getting shorter still...

for now, i am content with assimilating the change happening in our own small part of the world...not the sidewalks and stoplights and what they bring, but in making sure there are no bumps in the night for wingman...that the change he is currently facing goes well...

making sure that the ceiling doesn't seem too high, the dark too deep...that the cost of growing bigger isn't too great...

that at least for now, change comes cozily, welcomed, and undisturbed...

x.