we took the duke to a civil war re-enactment on sunday...
oh. my. god. you could have eaten the look on his face with a spoon...
anyhow, of course it was hot and loud and chaotic and weird and i didn't understand a bit of it (the lord of the ring who would know about it took his fair-ass skin and that of his mini-me, wingman, and lit for the shade...truth be told, i begged them to (though i wouldn't *think* of removing the equally fair skinned duke to shade away from the action) , because with their ancestry they are just sitting ducks when it comes to sunlight and i am of no doubt whatsoever of some mediterranean gypsy descent and therefore meant to deal with the sun (though my maternal grandma would keel over on her 9 foot couch in her rent-controlled and climate-controlled apartment to know i just said that!) which means i can handle the sun and therefore hang with the duke) but the duke you should have seen him...made it worth it all...
right up in the action and didn't miss a beat...he knows what one needs to know about the civil war and all its attendant participants/battles/details to make it the greatest show on earth...
apparently i didn't know enough to bring a topped-off flask...but, i digress...
he's a good boy...he's a great boy!...the best!...his dedication, his belief, his sincerity...oh it is heartbreaking to be sure...
so i pasted on *that* smile and held in there through the canons and the shooting and all those grown men trussed up in excruciatingly accurate period dress and pretending they were shot and wounded and dying and dead and...dot.dot.dot...well, i do believe you can imagine the scene...
but my son, my son is an amazing human being...he could have happened into any number of families...but he happened into *ours*...
there is no way to adequately thank those that need to be thanked for sending him my way...for entrusting him to the people he calls mama and papa...to this family...we are all the better for knowing and loving the duke...
so three cheers to the duke of fun!
for his sheer passion! enthusiasm! and appreciation! for all manner of things i would never in my *entire life* care about or seek to understand...
wow, and just once to see that grin...the unabashed open for the world to see smile that takes over his person and starts touching the people around him...
we can't always know or understand or even begin to pretend to understand another's enthusiasm, but this world wouldn't be half as wonderful if we all didn't at least try...
and the duke, well he'd be the first one taking an interest in your interests and he'd be front and center the absolute loudest one cheering you on your way....
that is love...love of life, love of friend, love of self...
and i love him for that...
but that does not mean for one moment you will catch me in a hoop skirt and complicated period hair tending an outdoor hearth and entertaining the general public, the ass--i mean masses, who come through to see "living history" on the odd weekend whilst my collective menfolk nancy about in the manliest of ways in greyish blue outfits...
no sir, there is certainly not ever gonna be a big enough flask to accomodate that...
x.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
it's friday, it's beautiful outside, and i can't pay someone to take a gander at me bottomless...
i was to see a new *ladies doctor* yesterday but was told to reschedule my appointment after i sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half and after i waited two months for the appointment to begin with...
then when i called to cancel for good today as i have decided to see someone else, i sat on the phone for 43 minutes waiting for the "high volume of calls" to be answered...mine never got answered...
not only do i NOT have any amount of child care for this kind of time wasting i also do NOT have the patience...
the way i see it they owe ME for the appointment as i would owe them if i didn't keep it...
oh, and a new phone as mine recently smashed itself into the wall...ooops...
it's a hard reality when you've got a date for someone to check out your girly bits and you not only get stood up, you also can't get them on the phone...
i think i just may be losing my touch in my old age...
x.
then when i called to cancel for good today as i have decided to see someone else, i sat on the phone for 43 minutes waiting for the "high volume of calls" to be answered...mine never got answered...
not only do i NOT have any amount of child care for this kind of time wasting i also do NOT have the patience...
the way i see it they owe ME for the appointment as i would owe them if i didn't keep it...
oh, and a new phone as mine recently smashed itself into the wall...ooops...
it's a hard reality when you've got a date for someone to check out your girly bits and you not only get stood up, you also can't get them on the phone...
i think i just may be losing my touch in my old age...
x.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
knowledge is power and also kinda creepy...
this morning out of the blue the duke says
"hey mama did you know that the aztecs didn't allow women to eat chocolate because they believed it encouraged naughty thoughts?"
"oh...really"
"yeah but now women eat way way more chocolate than ANYONE...what does that tell you!"
i am really really curious to meet the people he chooses to date, and especially those who choose him back...
x.
"hey mama did you know that the aztecs didn't allow women to eat chocolate because they believed it encouraged naughty thoughts?"
"oh...really"
"yeah but now women eat way way more chocolate than ANYONE...what does that tell you!"
i am really really curious to meet the people he chooses to date, and especially those who choose him back...
x.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
happy summer solstice!
today so far:
the duke about a 1/2 hour ago "nah, i don't want to watch t.v...i'm just going to play a game of chess against myself because i'm feeling restless and i want to keep out of trouble"
wingman about ten minutes ago "we don't haveta' wait to clean the back room...let's do it now...i will start!"
what this says to me is that the boybarians, the real boybarians, are probably somewhere right now getting probed by aliens, and i'm *supposed* to think they are still here due to the *clever* impostors taking their place...
nice try...apparently not only do the aliens not read my blog, they obviously do not understand the term *boybarians*...
meanwhile i have managed to do little more than eat a LOT of cheese today and wonder why it is on the first day of summer i a) just now boxed up the boybarians' heavy jackets because i think they may not need them anymore, and b) why there is no actual sun...
i know there are *real* problems in the world, but living in the pacific northwest as i do it is my geographical duty to complain and piss and moan and whine about the weather as if it is truly that important...and the cheese eating?...definitely not a pacific northwest thing (unless it is some kind of soy or nut concoction OR is done in a secretive and gluttonous manner with a lot of guilt and shame attached OR if you are drunk on margaritas at mama's in belltown and therefore don't care that everything is double dipped and smothered in cheese)
likely i come by it through marriage...the lord of the ring has roots in wisconsin, one whole side of his family in fact...and while he has never been there and doesn't know any of those people, apparently cheese roots run deep and wide...which is about gonna' explain my ass if i don't stop eating the cheese...
i am just going to try and enjoy the peace and quiet the "boybarians" are allowing me (secretly wishing the aliens are slow in their probing) and try to stay away from the cheese for the rest of the day (secretly wishing i could eat the whole damned block)...
it really is going to be the longest day of the year...
x.
the duke about a 1/2 hour ago "nah, i don't want to watch t.v...i'm just going to play a game of chess against myself because i'm feeling restless and i want to keep out of trouble"
wingman about ten minutes ago "we don't haveta' wait to clean the back room...let's do it now...i will start!"
what this says to me is that the boybarians, the real boybarians, are probably somewhere right now getting probed by aliens, and i'm *supposed* to think they are still here due to the *clever* impostors taking their place...
nice try...apparently not only do the aliens not read my blog, they obviously do not understand the term *boybarians*...
meanwhile i have managed to do little more than eat a LOT of cheese today and wonder why it is on the first day of summer i a) just now boxed up the boybarians' heavy jackets because i think they may not need them anymore, and b) why there is no actual sun...
i know there are *real* problems in the world, but living in the pacific northwest as i do it is my geographical duty to complain and piss and moan and whine about the weather as if it is truly that important...and the cheese eating?...definitely not a pacific northwest thing (unless it is some kind of soy or nut concoction OR is done in a secretive and gluttonous manner with a lot of guilt and shame attached OR if you are drunk on margaritas at mama's in belltown and therefore don't care that everything is double dipped and smothered in cheese)
likely i come by it through marriage...the lord of the ring has roots in wisconsin, one whole side of his family in fact...and while he has never been there and doesn't know any of those people, apparently cheese roots run deep and wide...which is about gonna' explain my ass if i don't stop eating the cheese...
i am just going to try and enjoy the peace and quiet the "boybarians" are allowing me (secretly wishing the aliens are slow in their probing) and try to stay away from the cheese for the rest of the day (secretly wishing i could eat the whole damned block)...
it really is going to be the longest day of the year...
x.
Monday, June 20, 2005
i don't know, you tell me...
while on a hike in the beautiful woods this weekend the duke of fun took a little moment behind a tree to go pee, and came back saying
"the forest is just one big toilet!"
i looked at the lord of the ring and said
"yup, he's got to be a republican"
and because i get this question a lot, including this very afternoon, i offer the following
a refresher course in the cast of characters here at the big red house
the lord of the ring is the husband
the duke of fun is the first born, 8
wingman is the little brother, 4
the bag lady in paris is my mother (or so she says)
stoveman is my dad
the dying cat was our cat who is dying but mostly pissing me off in a BIG way, but i shall now refer to her as p. kitty just because
there are many others, but they are fairly self explanatory...and hell, send me a wad of cash and i'll give you a name and work you into the cast!...
and back to the *i don't know, you tell me* file, i saw a minivan on saturday and stopped to admire it...
i'm choosing to believe that it's because my car is so on it's last spark plug that as a result any. thing. is looking good, but i don't know...it's a shake-up of my fundamental core value system is what it is...the minivan is the gateway car...then what's next?...a shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible dinner?...white keds?...adult sized sweatshirts with children's movie characters on them?...an undeniable love for josh groban?...
it's a damned good thing i got my tattoos when i did...there's nothing like a grown woman with a disney character tattooed on her ankle and a steering wheel cover to match...
x.
"the forest is just one big toilet!"
i looked at the lord of the ring and said
"yup, he's got to be a republican"
and because i get this question a lot, including this very afternoon, i offer the following
a refresher course in the cast of characters here at the big red house
the lord of the ring is the husband
the duke of fun is the first born, 8
wingman is the little brother, 4
the bag lady in paris is my mother (or so she says)
stoveman is my dad
the dying cat was our cat who is dying but mostly pissing me off in a BIG way, but i shall now refer to her as p. kitty just because
there are many others, but they are fairly self explanatory...and hell, send me a wad of cash and i'll give you a name and work you into the cast!...
and back to the *i don't know, you tell me* file, i saw a minivan on saturday and stopped to admire it...
i'm choosing to believe that it's because my car is so on it's last spark plug that as a result any. thing. is looking good, but i don't know...it's a shake-up of my fundamental core value system is what it is...the minivan is the gateway car...then what's next?...a shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible dinner?...white keds?...adult sized sweatshirts with children's movie characters on them?...an undeniable love for josh groban?...
it's a damned good thing i got my tattoos when i did...there's nothing like a grown woman with a disney character tattooed on her ankle and a steering wheel cover to match...
x.
Friday, June 17, 2005
it's friday, it's sunny, and it's a THREE DAY weekend with the lord of the ring...
yes, three whole days with papa for father's day...
we are all very excited to spend more than our allotted twelve minutes a week with him and we can barely stand it...we are currently all having some duke-made oatmeal to curb the enthusiasm...
so to all of you fathers out there may sunday see you basking in the love and light of your own family...
and to stoveman, i raise my glass and offer up thanks for digging me out of the sand all those years ago...
x.
we are all very excited to spend more than our allotted twelve minutes a week with him and we can barely stand it...we are currently all having some duke-made oatmeal to curb the enthusiasm...
so to all of you fathers out there may sunday see you basking in the love and light of your own family...
and to stoveman, i raise my glass and offer up thanks for digging me out of the sand all those years ago...
x.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
happy bloomsday!
it's june 16th and once again time to celebrate james joyce's novel ulysses...
if you haven't read it, the entire novel takes place in one day...hour by hour on june 16, 1904 in dublin...it is the story of an odysseus like journey through the streets of dublin by one leopold bloom...
hence, bloomsday...this year marks the 101st anniversary of that journey and is celebrated around the world with readings and costumes and yes, drinking...especially so in dublin...
and since most people haven't ever read ulysses or have tried and failed miserably, a pint or five of guinness is infinitely easier and a hell of a lot more fun...
as i write this it is after 5 in dublin (like it matters)...which means for all intents and purposes i am miserably behind in the, um, festivities...
so to james and leopold and stephen, and yes yes yes to molly, i raise a glass to you and thank god every day that i have already read ulysses and therefore a) don't ever ever ever have to read it again, and b) can drink to you all in guilt free abandon...
though i do believe i'll pass on the thick giblet soup...
x.
if you haven't read it, the entire novel takes place in one day...hour by hour on june 16, 1904 in dublin...it is the story of an odysseus like journey through the streets of dublin by one leopold bloom...
hence, bloomsday...this year marks the 101st anniversary of that journey and is celebrated around the world with readings and costumes and yes, drinking...especially so in dublin...
and since most people haven't ever read ulysses or have tried and failed miserably, a pint or five of guinness is infinitely easier and a hell of a lot more fun...
as i write this it is after 5 in dublin (like it matters)...which means for all intents and purposes i am miserably behind in the, um, festivities...
so to james and leopold and stephen, and yes yes yes to molly, i raise a glass to you and thank god every day that i have already read ulysses and therefore a) don't ever ever ever have to read it again, and b) can drink to you all in guilt free abandon...
though i do believe i'll pass on the thick giblet soup...
x.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
i am having your average male mid-life crisis...
i want a brand new ford mustang...oh. my. god. are they gorgeous...i want it fast and with a huge sound system and as shiny black as a hooker heel...
living in a mainly military area i tend to see a lot of these...which is odd because that would normally turn me off...plus, i don't even like new cars...especially new cars that everyone else has...
but i like these...a lot...and i want one...like nobody's business...
stoveman always did say i had a strong streak of trash in me...though i suspect even he couldn't tell how deep it would run...
it gets worse...
i have been eying a boy i saw on the disney channel...okay, before you call michael jackson's attorney let me just say it was NOT a disney channel kid's show...i saw him in a box office movie that just happened to be being replayed on the disney channel...a movie wherein he plays a high school kid, but i am pretty sure he isn't...well, reasonably sure...
worse yet is i was watching this movie on a lord of the ring free friday night while the kids were sleeping...me and the disney channel and a bottle of wine...hey, at least it wasn't demi moore, and i was in bed by 10:15...though i wouldn't say that's progression in any form...
and no, he isn't a cartoon...because that would be just a whole 'nother realm of creepy...
the movie in question was the princess diaries...and i have to say i enjoyed it quite a great deal...and i don't think it was the wine, coulda been, but i don't think so because it was actually a charming and very well crafted movie...
(to be sure i wasn't just in it for the boy, i checked with various sources, aka mothers of girls, and got their opinions and they all loved it and said it was a good movie...so it turns out it's just like reading playboy for the articles...SCORE!)
anyhow, the boy in question is robert schwartzman...and is he ever dreamy...i know, he looks a bit like a monkee (the band, not the animal) but i also think steven tyler is dreamy too so what do i know?...
but again, needless to say, had the movie been crap i woulda still been able to tell you how it turned out...
plus, he's practically a coppola...cousin to sophia and nicolas, nephew to francis (looking someone up on the internet is *not* stalking)...but more importantly there's the winery...musn't forget the winery...yup, nothing like having a winery in the family to really round it all out...i wish i had a winery, though something tells me that would be *not* such a good idea...at the least, not very profitable...
i am however choosing to ignore the fact that he's in a band named for the principal in ferris bueller's day off...i will never reconcile my youth as current retro pop culture...that so shines a big ol' glaring light on his age, but mainly just makes me feel older than dirt...
and i don't know whether it's a coincidence or not that this started right about the time anne bancroft passed, but it does make one wonder...
koo-koo-ka-choo...
x.
living in a mainly military area i tend to see a lot of these...which is odd because that would normally turn me off...plus, i don't even like new cars...especially new cars that everyone else has...
but i like these...a lot...and i want one...like nobody's business...
stoveman always did say i had a strong streak of trash in me...though i suspect even he couldn't tell how deep it would run...
it gets worse...
i have been eying a boy i saw on the disney channel...okay, before you call michael jackson's attorney let me just say it was NOT a disney channel kid's show...i saw him in a box office movie that just happened to be being replayed on the disney channel...a movie wherein he plays a high school kid, but i am pretty sure he isn't...well, reasonably sure...
worse yet is i was watching this movie on a lord of the ring free friday night while the kids were sleeping...me and the disney channel and a bottle of wine...hey, at least it wasn't demi moore, and i was in bed by 10:15...though i wouldn't say that's progression in any form...
and no, he isn't a cartoon...because that would be just a whole 'nother realm of creepy...
the movie in question was the princess diaries...and i have to say i enjoyed it quite a great deal...and i don't think it was the wine, coulda been, but i don't think so because it was actually a charming and very well crafted movie...
(to be sure i wasn't just in it for the boy, i checked with various sources, aka mothers of girls, and got their opinions and they all loved it and said it was a good movie...so it turns out it's just like reading playboy for the articles...SCORE!)
anyhow, the boy in question is robert schwartzman...and is he ever dreamy...i know, he looks a bit like a monkee (the band, not the animal) but i also think steven tyler is dreamy too so what do i know?...
but again, needless to say, had the movie been crap i woulda still been able to tell you how it turned out...
plus, he's practically a coppola...cousin to sophia and nicolas, nephew to francis (looking someone up on the internet is *not* stalking)...but more importantly there's the winery...musn't forget the winery...yup, nothing like having a winery in the family to really round it all out...i wish i had a winery, though something tells me that would be *not* such a good idea...at the least, not very profitable...
i am however choosing to ignore the fact that he's in a band named for the principal in ferris bueller's day off...i will never reconcile my youth as current retro pop culture...that so shines a big ol' glaring light on his age, but mainly just makes me feel older than dirt...
and i don't know whether it's a coincidence or not that this started right about the time anne bancroft passed, but it does make one wonder...
koo-koo-ka-choo...
x.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
what a difference a day (or two) makes...
i started off last week overwhelmed and feverish, overworked and alone with the boybarians, and ended the week in the beautiful windy city with the lord of the ring for a friend's wedding and our first getaway WITHOUT KIDS since before the duke was born...
(anutieEN married an indian god in a dark and moody all schwanked out supper club in the middle of the afternoon...and while i never would have thought any wedding of hers would happen that way in the least, it was fabulous, she was fabulous, and it couldn't have been more her)
walking down the street of an incredibly cool city with nothing more on the agenda than the acquisition of dangly earrings and a mind numbing drink on a beautiful balmy friday evening will sure put it ALL into perspective and give one hope...
the kind of hope that cracks open your soul and lets in the light...like manna from heaven filling the void brought on by years of leaking orifices, sleep that never hits rem, and the mind numbing non-stop chatter that growing children inflict upon any. one. (but mainly me) willing or decidedly *un*willing to listen in a ten mile radius...
i even thought i could hear the angels singing as i took the first sip, but it turns out it was just the amazing amount of amazingly drunk red sox fans in town for the three game series with the cubs...(in case you're interested, the sox got slaughtered...but i'm reasonably sure they drink like that regardless)
i say who needs religion when you've got a kid-free weekend, a motel room, and unlimited amounts of alcohol?
x.
(anutieEN married an indian god in a dark and moody all schwanked out supper club in the middle of the afternoon...and while i never would have thought any wedding of hers would happen that way in the least, it was fabulous, she was fabulous, and it couldn't have been more her)
walking down the street of an incredibly cool city with nothing more on the agenda than the acquisition of dangly earrings and a mind numbing drink on a beautiful balmy friday evening will sure put it ALL into perspective and give one hope...
the kind of hope that cracks open your soul and lets in the light...like manna from heaven filling the void brought on by years of leaking orifices, sleep that never hits rem, and the mind numbing non-stop chatter that growing children inflict upon any. one. (but mainly me) willing or decidedly *un*willing to listen in a ten mile radius...
i even thought i could hear the angels singing as i took the first sip, but it turns out it was just the amazing amount of amazingly drunk red sox fans in town for the three game series with the cubs...(in case you're interested, the sox got slaughtered...but i'm reasonably sure they drink like that regardless)
i say who needs religion when you've got a kid-free weekend, a motel room, and unlimited amounts of alcohol?
x.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
as i lay dying...
heard from the dining room
the duke of fun : "i just saw a mouse run from the stove behind the fridge!"
wingman : matter of factly while he eats his sandwich "there's pawbabwy (probably) gallons of them under the sink"
heard from the kitchen
thud!
me: "hey, what was that?"
the duke of fun: shouting from the general direction of the thud "oh...that was just the new tub of jam hitting the floor and spilling...but don't worry!...there's a whole drawerful of kitchen towels here to clean it up!!...and boy, i might have to use ALL of them!"
denial of recent events and their future implications is quite easy when all you *can* do is close your eyes...
thankfully the fever is gone...
i just hope that mouse enjoyed the jam...
x.
the duke of fun : "i just saw a mouse run from the stove behind the fridge!"
wingman : matter of factly while he eats his sandwich "there's pawbabwy (probably) gallons of them under the sink"
heard from the kitchen
thud!
me: "hey, what was that?"
the duke of fun: shouting from the general direction of the thud "oh...that was just the new tub of jam hitting the floor and spilling...but don't worry!...there's a whole drawerful of kitchen towels here to clean it up!!...and boy, i might have to use ALL of them!"
denial of recent events and their future implications is quite easy when all you *can* do is close your eyes...
thankfully the fever is gone...
i just hope that mouse enjoyed the jam...
x.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
head of heat...
i have a fever...i have had a fever since yesterday...i would love to sit here and continue to type because it would be sooo much more fascinating than lying on the couch hoping the noises from the kitchen where the boybarians are making breakfast aren't as messy as they sound...
but i can't...not only can't i keep a coherent thought, i have so few moments before i keel over...neil young once wrote a whole album while he had a fever, but apparently i am not that talented...or i just don't have the right drugs...
x.
but i can't...not only can't i keep a coherent thought, i have so few moments before i keel over...neil young once wrote a whole album while he had a fever, but apparently i am not that talented...or i just don't have the right drugs...
x.
Friday, June 03, 2005
it's friday, it's overcast, and it's a damned good thing i have two boys!
warning, what i am about to write is gender biased and sexist and wrong on so many levels but i am going forward with it anyway...
i am glad i have two boys because i have an acre of lawn...which means that one day i will no longer be responsible for said lawn, and they will...incidentally, i wish that day were today...
there i said it...not that girls or women can't mow lawns (my muscles will agree with that!) , but when i think of being able to *make* someone mow a lawn i think of someone with a penis...and judging from the last time i checked, i'm in luck...
but don't tell the bag (cough! old-school) lady (cough! feminist) in paris i said that...i have a feeling she wouldn't be pleased...
anyhow, you may ask what happened to the resident lawn mower...well i'd certainly like to know too, so i don't really have any answers for you...last i heard he's started to get things dry cleaned and is wearing some sort of *professional* kind of shoe...i suspect it may be a loafer, but i don't want to look because i don't want to know...
so it's me and the briggs and stratton and an acre of grass...who the hell are we, the rockefellers?...why do we have such a big yard!...who needs all this goddamned grass!...some environmentalist is cursing our name over his uncle sam cereal right about now...and i think i can actually hear a spotted owl weeping...
in all fairness, the lord of the ring didn't want me to take over the yard...he wanted to hire some kid (obviously older than ours) for the summer to do it...but because i'm cheap and flabby i decided why not kill two birds with one stone?...
judging from how my body feels this morning, i think i'm one of the birds and my neck feels like it's made of stone...
i had better look like linda hamilton in the terminator by the time the summer's over or there is going to be hell. to. pay.
or, some kid lookin' for a few extra bucks...
x.
i am glad i have two boys because i have an acre of lawn...which means that one day i will no longer be responsible for said lawn, and they will...incidentally, i wish that day were today...
there i said it...not that girls or women can't mow lawns (my muscles will agree with that!) , but when i think of being able to *make* someone mow a lawn i think of someone with a penis...and judging from the last time i checked, i'm in luck...
but don't tell the bag (cough! old-school) lady (cough! feminist) in paris i said that...i have a feeling she wouldn't be pleased...
anyhow, you may ask what happened to the resident lawn mower...well i'd certainly like to know too, so i don't really have any answers for you...last i heard he's started to get things dry cleaned and is wearing some sort of *professional* kind of shoe...i suspect it may be a loafer, but i don't want to look because i don't want to know...
so it's me and the briggs and stratton and an acre of grass...who the hell are we, the rockefellers?...why do we have such a big yard!...who needs all this goddamned grass!...some environmentalist is cursing our name over his uncle sam cereal right about now...and i think i can actually hear a spotted owl weeping...
in all fairness, the lord of the ring didn't want me to take over the yard...he wanted to hire some kid (obviously older than ours) for the summer to do it...but because i'm cheap and flabby i decided why not kill two birds with one stone?...
judging from how my body feels this morning, i think i'm one of the birds and my neck feels like it's made of stone...
i had better look like linda hamilton in the terminator by the time the summer's over or there is going to be hell. to. pay.
or, some kid lookin' for a few extra bucks...
x.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
hello darkness my old friend; or, why i won't jump the shark...
as you may have noticed, i've been absent a bit...
i know i allude to cyclical issues with anxiety and depression, but there is something that happens every mid to late spring wherein my issues become all consuming...it's a thing, a cycle...it sucks, but it's there and i do the best i can in dealing with it...
what i want to do is go and lie my head down somewhere for a week each year...a place where my needs are met but i hear no other voice and am not required to respond in any way...this isn't the love boat i'm talking about...not a vacation as much as a respite...i suspect the place i am talking about has a lot of people all dressed in white carrying little trays filled with delicious lithium thorazine cocktails...come to think of it, that sounds exactly like the love boat!
because this is not possible, what i do is press on and hope for the best...i realize as a plan, this is not a particularly well thought out one...less hannibal and b.a., more jack tripper and larry...but time marches on, symptoms ease, life returns to *normal*...the "plan" such as it is gets me through...
what i would like to make clear is that this is not the sort of thing that has me rocking back and forth in front of an open window in a daze a la demi moore in st. elmo's fire (you knew i'd work her in)...though if rob lowe would bust in and gather me up, i suppose i'd be game...
quite the opposite...i get up and out of bed every day...i do all the things i *normally* do...food, chores, school...
what i don't do is have a sunny outlook, answer the phone too often, call people back...i avoid going much of anywhere and when i do i try to make it quick...the state i get in doesn't have a lot of latitude for humanity at large...'course i don't have a lot when i'm not cracking up either...
i sit in the green chair...a lot...just sit...or perhaps on the porch when it isn't raining...
the anxiety is nerve endings in hyper overdrive and the depression is just a feeling of aloneness and malaise mixed with doubt and a smidge of despair...i get so tired, too...the kind of tired that takes root and refuses to be shooed away by sleep, exercise, coffee...
but i still *do*...because i can't go away and lie my head down for a week, i still get up and care for these kids...it may mean i weep a bit while sweeping and more easily snap at normal boybarian behavior, but mainly it means i am tired and melancholy and lonely...even with a night's rest, well-meaning friends, and the boybarians for company...
recently two people whom i love and hold dear have delicately suggested the consumption of a pharmaceutical...have i looked into it?, they ask, and if i haven't perhaps i should...that kinda thing...and i suspect they aren't the *only* ones who think so...
now i understand this comes from a place of love, and i myself have been in that position to suggest...but i must say no...yes i have *thought* about it but no i'm not going to...not now...
i have not reached a point wherein i feel the necessity to eradicate what brings it on...not because i'm better smarter faster, but because what this imbalance brings me is constant...i know what to expect, and when it's gone it's gone for a specific and determined amount of time...i can do anything for a few days, a month out of the year...i can *do* this...at least for now...and although it sucks, it is a known quantity...measurable...
if i didn't get up everyday and maintain the house and raise and educate the kids that would be one thing, but i do...all the rest of it, well it's mine to deal with...sure it spills over on the kids...how could it not?...you don't carry a huge vessel full to the top with everything imaginable and expect that it wouldn't slosh over the sides...
but that's me, one part in a million parts of me that i know inside and out back and forth...and there is a specific trial and error with pharmaceuticals that is not known...there are person-specific traits and characteristics that may be eradicated along with the standard chemical imbalance...and in this case that person is me...i don't want to mask the unpleasant parts of me if it means eradicating some other parts that aren't unpleasant (well i don't think of them as unpleasant, anyway...y'all may have your own opinions on this)
should i seek to take that part away, what other parts will follow?...and what will be brought in in the process?...these are answerable questions, but i have neither the time, the space, or the want to see what those answers are...
and i don't want to be *even*...i don't want my highs and lows to be altered into a delicate homogenized balance...
sure i don't want to be tired and lonely and sad...who does?...but again, those are known quantities for specific amounts of time...i know who i am and so do my kids...and they are not asked to tread lightly or to amend their selves in any way to accommodate me...they are my kids and i am their mom and our life ebbs and flows...no two rivers travel the same, there is not one ocean as destination for all...
the part of me that is tired and lonely and sad walks along with the part of me that is bold and proactive and snarky...and yes there are times the chemical soup of my soul walks farther and faster ahead than the rest, but that's just gonna have to do if i want all of me to remain intact...
please understand, this is not an attack against pharmaceuticals...lord knows they have immense benefits for some...nor is it an attack against those who choose to use them...different strokes and all that...and i am so not trying to romanticize or glamourize depression in any way...it is dark and yucky and not the least bit cool...i'm just saying find what works and stick with it...
and while this doesn't seem like it works to the outsider, i'm sticking with it for now...continuing to seek out activities that bring me health and peace when i'm able to do them, tools to use when the well begins to run dry...because i don't feel desperate enough to find it necessary to gamble with my personality if it means i have the possibility of losing badly...so i will continue trying to find the balance so i can handle what comes without having to dump the snark along the way...
i figure i have spent a lifetime dealing with *this*...i recognize now as an adult that i have had this chemical imbalance and all of its attendant symptoms since i was a child...
and hell, we all know i can't throw anything away, and that i can't stand change...so when you put it all into perspective i seem to be clicking right along like a finely tuned silly mortal machine...
i love it when a plan comes together...
x.
i know i allude to cyclical issues with anxiety and depression, but there is something that happens every mid to late spring wherein my issues become all consuming...it's a thing, a cycle...it sucks, but it's there and i do the best i can in dealing with it...
what i want to do is go and lie my head down somewhere for a week each year...a place where my needs are met but i hear no other voice and am not required to respond in any way...this isn't the love boat i'm talking about...not a vacation as much as a respite...i suspect the place i am talking about has a lot of people all dressed in white carrying little trays filled with delicious lithium thorazine cocktails...come to think of it, that sounds exactly like the love boat!
because this is not possible, what i do is press on and hope for the best...i realize as a plan, this is not a particularly well thought out one...less hannibal and b.a., more jack tripper and larry...but time marches on, symptoms ease, life returns to *normal*...the "plan" such as it is gets me through...
what i would like to make clear is that this is not the sort of thing that has me rocking back and forth in front of an open window in a daze a la demi moore in st. elmo's fire (you knew i'd work her in)...though if rob lowe would bust in and gather me up, i suppose i'd be game...
quite the opposite...i get up and out of bed every day...i do all the things i *normally* do...food, chores, school...
what i don't do is have a sunny outlook, answer the phone too often, call people back...i avoid going much of anywhere and when i do i try to make it quick...the state i get in doesn't have a lot of latitude for humanity at large...'course i don't have a lot when i'm not cracking up either...
i sit in the green chair...a lot...just sit...or perhaps on the porch when it isn't raining...
the anxiety is nerve endings in hyper overdrive and the depression is just a feeling of aloneness and malaise mixed with doubt and a smidge of despair...i get so tired, too...the kind of tired that takes root and refuses to be shooed away by sleep, exercise, coffee...
but i still *do*...because i can't go away and lie my head down for a week, i still get up and care for these kids...it may mean i weep a bit while sweeping and more easily snap at normal boybarian behavior, but mainly it means i am tired and melancholy and lonely...even with a night's rest, well-meaning friends, and the boybarians for company...
recently two people whom i love and hold dear have delicately suggested the consumption of a pharmaceutical...have i looked into it?, they ask, and if i haven't perhaps i should...that kinda thing...and i suspect they aren't the *only* ones who think so...
now i understand this comes from a place of love, and i myself have been in that position to suggest...but i must say no...yes i have *thought* about it but no i'm not going to...not now...
i have not reached a point wherein i feel the necessity to eradicate what brings it on...not because i'm better smarter faster, but because what this imbalance brings me is constant...i know what to expect, and when it's gone it's gone for a specific and determined amount of time...i can do anything for a few days, a month out of the year...i can *do* this...at least for now...and although it sucks, it is a known quantity...measurable...
if i didn't get up everyday and maintain the house and raise and educate the kids that would be one thing, but i do...all the rest of it, well it's mine to deal with...sure it spills over on the kids...how could it not?...you don't carry a huge vessel full to the top with everything imaginable and expect that it wouldn't slosh over the sides...
but that's me, one part in a million parts of me that i know inside and out back and forth...and there is a specific trial and error with pharmaceuticals that is not known...there are person-specific traits and characteristics that may be eradicated along with the standard chemical imbalance...and in this case that person is me...i don't want to mask the unpleasant parts of me if it means eradicating some other parts that aren't unpleasant (well i don't think of them as unpleasant, anyway...y'all may have your own opinions on this)
should i seek to take that part away, what other parts will follow?...and what will be brought in in the process?...these are answerable questions, but i have neither the time, the space, or the want to see what those answers are...
and i don't want to be *even*...i don't want my highs and lows to be altered into a delicate homogenized balance...
sure i don't want to be tired and lonely and sad...who does?...but again, those are known quantities for specific amounts of time...i know who i am and so do my kids...and they are not asked to tread lightly or to amend their selves in any way to accommodate me...they are my kids and i am their mom and our life ebbs and flows...no two rivers travel the same, there is not one ocean as destination for all...
the part of me that is tired and lonely and sad walks along with the part of me that is bold and proactive and snarky...and yes there are times the chemical soup of my soul walks farther and faster ahead than the rest, but that's just gonna have to do if i want all of me to remain intact...
please understand, this is not an attack against pharmaceuticals...lord knows they have immense benefits for some...nor is it an attack against those who choose to use them...different strokes and all that...and i am so not trying to romanticize or glamourize depression in any way...it is dark and yucky and not the least bit cool...i'm just saying find what works and stick with it...
and while this doesn't seem like it works to the outsider, i'm sticking with it for now...continuing to seek out activities that bring me health and peace when i'm able to do them, tools to use when the well begins to run dry...because i don't feel desperate enough to find it necessary to gamble with my personality if it means i have the possibility of losing badly...so i will continue trying to find the balance so i can handle what comes without having to dump the snark along the way...
i figure i have spent a lifetime dealing with *this*...i recognize now as an adult that i have had this chemical imbalance and all of its attendant symptoms since i was a child...
and hell, we all know i can't throw anything away, and that i can't stand change...so when you put it all into perspective i seem to be clicking right along like a finely tuned silly mortal machine...
i love it when a plan comes together...
x.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)