kombucha, anyone?

so yesterday i was at the food co-op in the town where my in-laws live...

i was getting some lunch for the boybarians and myself, and it was not pretty...and i'm not just talking about the slices of "living raw food pizza" either...

now, i am not unfamiliar with food co-ops...nor am i unfamiliar with the *culture* that goes along with food co-ops...but apparently they didn't get the memo because it was if i was part of the vast right wing conspiracy the way i was treated...

for starters, i needed my food to go (i.e. put in individual disposable containers OH THE HORROR!) simply because there was not a spare table or chair to be had...ooohhh, no good...very bad...

when asked if i belonged to the co-op upon checkout (for the member discount) i answered no, we are from out of town...then the cashier asked are you a member of any co-op (again, you could receive a discount if a member of another co-op) i answered no (there is no co-op where i live, but she doesn't know that)...well, that didn't go over well with her...she narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips...strike two...

then she wanted to know if i wanted her to bag my groceries since i was so busy with the card machine?...well who in the hell knew you had to enter all the numbers including sale amount and whatnot yourself?...usually you enter some numbers they do some numbers on the register, and it's all copasetic...they don't tell you this, there's no sign...so of course i got flubbed up and had to start again...a line began to form behind me...so i said, and kindly i might add

"no, let me finish here and i'll bag them myself"

then i feel a tap on my shoulder and the woman behind me says

"it looks like you forgot to bring a bag...here, have one of mine"

then she hands me a bag...

it would have been a kind gesture if she hadn't done it completely begrudgingly and with total disdain...

then the cashier pipes up

"(big irritated sigh) here, let me do it...it looks like you have your hands full with the card machine"

AND I KID YOU NOT SHE ROLLED HER EYES AT THE LADY BEHIND ME!

wait, it gets better because some tables in the deli opened up and since it was raining outside we decided we should eat inside...

well you can imagine the look on the face of the deli woman when i took my individually packaged in disposable containers lunch out to eat inside...at one point it looked as if she might just come over and count how many napkins i chose to use...

say, how about a healthy dose of liberal guilt to go with your lunch?

it was irritating because it was like been there done that and i'm SO not an asshole because my town doesn't have a co-op!...

i had to stop myself from climbing on the table and shouting out "I'LL HAVE YOU ALL KNOW THAT I USED TO BE A VEGAN HIPPY! I MADE MY OWN SOY MILK FOR FUCK'S SAKE AND DIDN'T SHAVE A THING OR WEAR LEATHER! I'VE USED THE CRYSTAL IN PLACE OF DEODORANT AND IT WASN'T PRETTY BUT I DID IT ANYWAY! AND I TRAVELED FROM FAIR TO FAIR SELLING HEMP PRODUCTS BEFORE THEY BECAME SO MAINSTREAM YOU COULD GET THEM FROM THE 7-11! I WAS AT REDWOOD SUMMER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! AND COME TO THINK OF IT, I DIDN'T SEE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE THERE!!"

it took everything i had, but i refrained...afterall, i was raised to be a lady...

now, ALL of that would have been bad enough except for the other thing that happened at the co-op...

friends, i was finally and convincingly confronted with a very disturbing truth yesterday...

middle aged men with long hair and earth shoes who buy in bulk LOVE ME...A LOT...

if i got one smiley look, i got a million...you know the look...the hey, you're cute and i'm gonna smile at you look...yes, you are a foxy lady...

seriously...and yes, it was weird...i've noticed this before with this particular segment of the population, but have thus far successfully been able to ignore it...but yesterday it was all too apparent and could not be ignored any longer...

i don't know what it is about me, and i have no idea how to make it go away, but apparently i'm like the pamela anderson for neo-liberal, health conscious, community minded baby boomers...

should i suddenly find myself in need of companionship i can forget about bars or clubs with other people my own age...apparently it's the the co-op for me...no doubt i'll be hanging out in the supplements aisle between the saw palmetto (good for prostate health) and the ginseng (good for *drive*) chatting about leonard cohen and robert bly, and exchanging phone numbers written on bulk bin tags...

and no, it has not escaped my notice that i may eventually have to learn how to do the "twirl"...one hand up, head thrown back...

man that's gonna screw my neck up but good...

x.