pain in the neck...

and so it goes, among other disastrous and sad and poignant events that have taken place this monday morning, i have thrown out my neck...again...for ohh the zillionth time...

i really gotta do something about that...

x.

counting my blessings and minutes until bedtime...

"i'm a young author!...can't you see i'm busy and i have my hands full!"

shouted by the duke to wingman just now...

this coupled with his newfound love of the tap dancing cowboys from oklahoma! and i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

good thing i'm still slightly feverish and more than that i love him to pieces and then some...given that, i decide to neither laugh or cry but rather to rejoice in the fact that i have the best seven year old on the planet...

x.

i have lived to see another day...

okay, so i'm not going to die...and i don't think it's SARS...

BUT, i am keeping my eye on that avian flu thing...you can't be too careful...plus there's this suspicious looking red-breasted robin who's as of late taken to following me and looking at me funny...

the fever has passed and the body aches are gone...i still feel like crap, but i think i'm pretty much outta the woods for the actual honest to goodness flu...(knock on wood and the NyQuil bottle)

the duke is a bit warm, but i'm dosing him on the same kinda of fluids i've been drinking and promising him burgers and shakes this weekend if he doesn't get sick...we can't afford for the lord of the ring to return home and get sick...so i want us at 100% by friday...plus, i'm really craving a burger and a shake...

i know, sometimes we need to be sick...need that downtime to rest and let our bodies heal...

i'll rest when i'm dead...right now there are kids to take care of and a house to keep afloat...plus, you know...the burger and shake...with bacon, and some blue cheese...a few hot and salty fries...chocolate shake...or maybe strawberry...

the lord of the ring is rarely sick...he tells himself he can't get sick and he doesn't...the power of positive thinking, perhaps...but really, it's just about being stubborn in the face of illness...you've got to tell yourself the sickness doesn't belong to you...

if lance armstrong can be stubborn about his illness and battle the incredible amount of cancer he had and the subsequent death sentence the doctors gave him enough to come back and win the toughest athletic challenge of all, SIX TIMES I MIGHT ADD!!, then i can rid myself of what wants to be the flu...

(although i can't say i hold the same level of admiration for his choice in women...sheryl crow?...really???...because if i had taken on and won all the tough battles he has in his life, i certainly wouldn't waste my time with the human equivalent of a worn out old leather handbag who steals other people's songs and calls them her own...but, to each his own)

LIVESTRONG

x.

it's SARS, i know it's SARS...

i have a fever...

i have a fever and i am alone with the boybarians until friday...

and what is my greatest fear?...not that i will die from some dreaded flu, but that people will have to come in to remove my decaying body and see the state my house and the boybarians are in after a few days of me being sick...

school aged kids home in the middle of the morning...living in squalor (a relative term you understand) all filthy themselves and eating cold cereal smeared with crisco and watching the home shopping network...

so while i should have spent today lying on the couch resting, instead i cleaned the house (again, a relative term) finished the laundry, made healthy ready to eat meals and snacks they could grab from the fridge, and gave them both baths...

plus i put the beer cans and wine bottles at the bottom of the recycling...you know, just in case...

this way, if they do come in there will be less opportunity for them to jump to the conclusion that we are just one more of those rural "homeschooling families" they do shows about on primetime news...

the good news is that i love me some NyQuil somethin' fierce...and while i won't go all kitty dukakis on the stuff and drink it when i'm not sick, i do love the times i'm on death's door and it's recommended, even insisted upon that i take it at bedtime...

x.

yup, i think that about sums it up...

just to give you an idea of what's been happening around here lately without going into intricate and boring detail that includes waaaay too much personal information, i have spent time researching the following two items this week

1. how to re-grow eyebrows
2. how to look twenty pounds lighter just with the proper underwear

how i came to these two particular research subjects is neither here nor there...

BUT, i'll tell you one thing...it's hard to say whether i have too much time on my hands or not enough...

x.

oh, and this just in...as i'm writing this the duke is running by completely naked...well, he did have a bath...but he was done half an hour ago...

"um, why are you still naked?"

"i'm an olympic athlete!"

"really...i don't recall any of the athletes being naked the last time we watched"

exasperated and eye-rolling he responds

"from the real olympics...you know, in ancient greece?"

yup, i think that about sums it up...

life as he knows it...

so we went to lil' sis's and spent the night...

when i got done putting the kids to bed i went and sat down on the couch...i saw a stack of pictures on the table and was leafing through them...at first i didn't know what they were of and i was wondering why my sister had pictures of what seemed to be some deranged church group at a picnic with the extras from deliverance...

then i realized they were pictures from my first wedding...

then i realized under that stack were pictures from my second wedding...

my sister...

anyhow, one of the pictures from my second wedding was of some young man in a red and white ford ranger truck smiling at the camera...it was such a weird picture to me for some reason...and i had NO idea who it was...

"who is this?"

"oh, he dropped off one of the catering staff before your wedding...you know, the one with the nipples?"

i kid you not this girl shows up at my wedding to serve wearing a barely there tank top and no bra...as you can imagine, the bride was less than pleased...anyhow, so the truck guy was her boyfriend/brother/friend/pimp whatever...

so i'm driving home yesterday and when i decide not to take my exit off the highway and to take the next one so i can go by the video store...i rarely drive this stretch of highway...

i notice that i'm coming up kind of fast on the vehicle up ahead...i move over into the other lane and i notice the vehicle is a truck towing a lawn tractor...the truck is a ford ranger...it is red and white...

i chuckle to myself and think wouldn't it be funny if it was the truck guy from the picture...

when lo and behold i pass the truck and look over and he looks over and IT'S HIM!!!...the truck guy from the picture!!!...same truck, same guy, the same grin!!!...i kid you not...it was so weird...

but what's weirder is here i am seeing the truck guy and screaming

"oh my god!...it's the truck guy!!...i have a picture of that guy!!!"

to which the duke responded

"oh"

and apparently didn't think it was weird in the least...that's it, "oh"...like it's just life as normal that his mother is shouting about some totally random stranger guy in a truck that she has a picture of and just happens to be currently passing on the highway...

i tell you, he's either extremely well adjusted and therefore can take life in total stride, or else the poor kid's gonna need a LOT of help when he's older...

x.

if a tree falls in the forest...

i have learned something about myself during this whole weekday solo parenting gig...

i have learned that if there isn't anyone around to complain to or to pick up the slack, then i actually do whatever needs doing...with virtually no complaining or dragging of the feet at all...

sure, when the lord of the ring calls at night when he's done with work i give him an ear full of the "poor me" variety, but during the day i just do it...

and that is different for me...because i like to complain...i am good at it...and i am awfully good at the big heavy sigh and the woe is me face...and i am really good at letting everyone know just exactly how i feel and how put upon i am...

wow, i'm sure interested (read: scared beyond reason) to see who the boybarians will end up choosing to date/marry/sleep with as a result of this...i like to think how i parent them will keep them out of therapy, but i am amazed at how consistently i do just the opposite...huh...anyhow, where were we?

oh yeah, it's not that i want to be a whiny bitch, it's just that i don't know how not to be...

apparently being a single parent solves that...or at least shoves it to the side where everything else i enjoy doing is...because when there isn't a soul around to do what you can't do or won't do or to just pitch in in general, then there isn't anyone else but you...and when there isn't anyone else but you, there isn't any use in complaining about it...because regardless of how much you don't want to do it, you have to...case closed...

plus, i have found that complaining to myself just isn't as *rewarding* as complaining to the lord of the ring...there is definitely something lacking...i don't think i am nearly as sympathetic...

so i stopped...well, not completely as there is the nightly phone call...but that's more for the lord of the ring's sake...poor guy, he's homesick there at the hotel california what a lovely place...and what more to make him feel right at home than his wife bitchin' about her day?...well, maybe i could throw a pillow case that the cat peed on and a ziploc full of legos to sprinkle on the floor in his suitcase next time he leaves...then he'd feel right at home...

so i've worked out a routine for myself, and have given and expected more responsibility from the boybarians...and you know what, they have really taken to it!...and because i am the only parent they have from monday through friday part of my routine is trying to be more present...and you know what, it works!...i know, this is not new information...but sometimes it's the simplest things we forget to remember...

in being more present with the boybarians on a more consistent basis, and expecting them to take a few responsibilities on for themselves, i have actually gotten more of their cooperation...and as a result slightly more boybarian-free time wherein they are occupied and i am not interrupted...

i generally use those 3 1/2 minutes to pee...

i am in no way suggesting that things are better here with the lord of the ring gone...it's just that by default i have complete control (finally!) ...during the week there simply isn't anyone else to share power and duties with, so i just move forward...and i expect the boybarians to help out with that...

and, for now, it works...and i have to say i rather enjoy a household wherein every one has some responsibility, cooperation isn't just a theory, and i'm not bitching and moaning about every little thing...as you may be able to imagine, it's surprisingly refreshing...

but, this is still the big red house...home of sillymortalmama and the boybarians...there will be no holding of the breath and much enjoying it while it lasts...

because like stoveman says, eventually all good kids turn on you like snakes (what did we put that man through?)...i suspect my 3 1/2 minutes will begin to dwindle here pretty soon, chipped away by a second here, a second there...until there i am, going pee while they shout and shove each other and pound on the door and ask me for stuff...meanwhile i am wishing for a stiff drink and taking the lord of the ring's name in vain...

so, i suppose i'd have to surmise from all of this that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it fall, it doesn't mean it doesn't make a sound...it just means that the tree is gonna have to suck it up and continue to fall and wait to complain about it later...

x.

we're off to see the lord of the ring, the wonderful lord of the ring!

okay so we're off to collect the lord of the ring for his weekly appearance...

i am mildly better only after thoroughly dosing myself with garlic and ginger steeped in hot water...FUN!

i drank it ALL day yesterday and am a bit better today...i would have done so again today, but the lord of the ring arrives tonight and really i just can't do that to the poor guy...

it's bad enough there's a dead rodent under the sink that's been there since tuesday that's waiting for disposal upon his return...

it's good to have a man around...even if it is only for two days a week...

x.

gotcha!

apparently i finally caught that cold i have been chasing...

bleh...

x.

the coconut doesn't fall far from the tree...

so wingman turned four this month...

and as always there was a party planned, guests invited, a cake...

this year he chose a chicka chicka boom boom theme...for those of you who do not know chicka chicka boom boom it is a children's book about a bunch of unsafe and delinquent lower case letters who climb up a coconut tree ALL AT THE SAME TIME...well, as you can imagine the tree can't hold the weight of 26 lower case letters and they all fall off...

well, there are some injuries that occur as a result of the accident...some quite serious, some more minor...as a result, all the upper case letters come rushing to the scene to help the little rascals (who really should have known better)...

one might assume at this point that the lower case letters had learned their collective lesson, but as with most children these lessons aren't learned until they themselves grow up and have children of their own...and because of this juvenile lack in judgment the little delinquents not only CLIMB THE COCONUT TREE AGAIN! they sneak out at night to do so!!!

well, i don't know...i mean 26 lower case letters all sneaking out at the same time?...and none of the upper cases notice?...this world is teetering i tell you...we could just go right over the edge at any moment...

but, i digress...

back to the party...so i make a ginormous cake shaped like the coconut tree in the book complete with coconuts and fronds with gummy letters climbing to the top...

there are guests and presents and balloons...general birthday party merriment abounds...

then it's time for the cake...which means it's time for the candles...and, if this were a "normal" home, the birthday song...

but, some years ago, the duke decided that a bunch of people singing "happy birthday" to him was just too much...he said it made him nervous and shy...

well, he was three years old at the time...and then right before his fourth birthday out of the blue he said

"i don't want anyone to sing 'happy birthday' at the party"

"oh...okay...why?"

"i don't like it..."

"okaaay...what should we sing to you?"

"for he's a jolly good fellow"

and so for all the birthdays to come it was "for he's a jolly good fellow" in place of "happy birthday" for the duke...everyone who comes to his parties knows this about him and sings "for he's a jolly good fellow"...he's even been known to take the birthday kid at other parties aside and inform them that they have a choice in the whole singing of "happy birthday"...as you would guess, the other children look at him as if he is insane...or just one of those weird homeschooled kids...and not surprisingly as wingman came up in the birthday party circuit he nixed "happy birthday" by his second party...

so, we haven't sung it for him since...and we weren't going to sing it for him this party...he doesn't want any singing, in fact...not even "for he's a jolly good fellow"...

but we still did the candle make a wish and blow it out thing...but this year as i light the candles and everyone's gathered around he refuses...

i gently nudge him and he still refuses...and that is that...

"just wet's have some take (cake)"

so, i blew out the candles and we cut and served the cake...

so later after all the festivities were over and the guests were gone, wingman and the duke were playing quietly with the days spoils in front of the fire...

i say to wingman

"did you have a nice birthday?"

"yeah...tinda (kinda), but not willy (really)"

of course the lord of the ring and stoveman (my dad) and i all perked our ears up...

"oh...what didn't you like about it?"

"well, it tinda makes me fuserwated (frustrated)"

"what makes you frustrated?"

"dus (just) well, awl(all) of it dus makes me fuserwated"

and then (and not for the first time mind you) it dawned on me that i had given birth to my husband in the form of wingman...my husband is one of those i don't really like my birthday and have on occasion even forgotten about it kinda people...can i say i just don't understand this particular trait in certain people?...but, there is much i don't understand about the lord of the ring in general...good thing i have the rest of my life to figure him out...

and now, here was wingman...so much like his father...frustrated by the hoopla of the birthday party...by the pomp and circumstance, the performing...the attention...which is odd because he loves attention and is quite the ham...but like his father, he enjoys the attention if it's under his control...being showered by it is just not his thing...

what he did love was having his cousins there to run around with...having cake and ice cream that HE got to choose all by himself...and having second helpings later on...

even the presents were secondary...sure, what kid doesn't like getting gifts?...but it was just more of the performance part he could do without...and no one thrusts this on him or expects a thing of him...we even did away with the big open them all at once present extravaganza for both the duke and wingman a few years ago...and even with opening them separately with the individual giver and staggered throughout the day, it's just not him...

and it isn't as if he didn't appreciate it all, it's just given the choice he'd rather just play and eat cake...and hey, having some new toys to play with thrown in here and there isn't too bad...

he is his father's son...

now, the duke is a bit more like me in the whole birthday party deal...he LOVES a party...and he plans his parties months in advance...he is convinced i will construct any kind of party he can dream up...and he has quite a bit of fun dreaming them up...thus far i've done a fair job, but the kid has his birthday parties planned for about five years in advance...at some point his creativity and colossal faith in my limited abilities are going to expose the house of cards that each of his parties is built upon...

then the jig will indeed be and up we're just gonna have to go to chuck e. cheese and call it good...

sadly, i can't pay anyone to present me with a cake and a party...and believe me i've asked!...well, more like hinted in a slightly neurotic and whiny poor me tone...but i live in a house made mostly of frustrated birthday boys...if they can't handle their own birthdays, then there's not a lot of hope of the perfect pink cake and girly cocktail themed party in my future!...

(to be fair, the lord of the ring does sweet things for me on my birthday and makes me wonderful meals...but a pink cake...since i was sillymortalgirl i have been wanting a pink cake)

but that's the beauty of family...the diversity and the celebration of the individual...and i do love trying to take their dreams and bringing them to reality...when they see the cake they have thought of come to life, well it's priceless...

so if you ever come to one of wingman's birthday parties (hey, who knows how long he'll even allow those!) it'll be presents when he wants to open them, cake and ice cream with no candles or singing, and having lots and lots of fun just hanging out with his family...

he is a jolly good fellow, that one...

x.

my day, thus far...

the duke of fun is a really awesome human being...

that being said, he is sometimes so odd...

the following came out of his mouth just this morning...imagine a whole day with him...a week...a year...eighteen years by law!

upon seeing me open a new pack of drawing paper for he and wingman he said

"oh good...new papyrus"

he came up to me with a big illustrated history of the world book in hand and obviously pleased with himself he said

"i am going to go and read this to distract myself so i don't physically harm my brother...isn't that a good idea?"

when i told him it was time to get dressed, make his bed, and brush his teeth he held up the aforementioned history book and said

"i am too busy educating myself...sorry"

upon my mentioning that i have upped his cursive writing requirements during spelling he sang the following for the length of the work

"why are you torturing me
why are you torturing me
hi ho the dairy oh
why are you torturing me"

sigh...i would like to say the following to the duke

"BRAVO! you are channeling your restlessness that more often than not turns into a fun and exciting activity known as *must aggressively bug younger brother* to reading about all the past aggression that has gotten our world to where it is!"

"BRAVO! that instead of whining the whole way through your work that is, and i quote, 'simply NOT necessary' you sing a cute and mildly amusing (i am about as cheerful as a bag full of weasels most days...i am not easily amused, to be sure) ditty...albeit off key and loudly"

fortunately, i simply can't!...because BRAVO! it is rest time and the duke is thankfully tucked away upstairs for one blessed hour...ahhh...

oh, i know what you're thinking...sixty minutes doesn't seem like a lot...

but trust me, it is...

x.

one month is the new dog year...

hiya...

let's see i haven't been here in about a billion years and there is much to report...but, i won't even bother...one month around here is like a dog's year...

but, i will touch upon some highlights of the past month...

*the lord of the ring lost his job
*wingman turned 4 (upon which i learned that he doesn't really like the hoopla of a birthday...???...more on this to come)
*the duke has discovered a GREAT love of ancient battles, where they occurred, the rulers/leaders and the weapons particular to each battle
*the duke has begun to scare me more and more
*the lord of the ring got offered a GREAT job
*the lord of the ring accepted the aforementioned GREAT job
*the lord of the ring turned 40 (apparently, 40 is the new 30...whatever that means...i cannot stand those kinds of proclamations...like the polka dot is the new plaid or whatever else they dream up...when they come out with the fat ass is the new "whatever" then we'll talk)
*wingman decided to never cut his hair
*the lord of the ring started his GREAT new job
*the lord of the ring spends the week at some schmancy hotel california what a lovely place working at his GREAT new job and we get him on the weekends
*the lord of the ring says it's temporary
*the lord of the ring is known to favor optimism in the face of not really quite knowing exactly how "temporary" temporary is
*the bag lady in paris moved to the lone star state
*the duke lost his front tooth
*the tooth fairy forgot to take the tooth and leave the dough
*the duke accepted his parent's cockamamie excuse as to why the tooth fairy didn't come
*the duke's parents decided to lay off the sauce the next night until after the duke fell asleep and the tooth fairy did her job
*the lord of the ring is giddily happy with his GREAT new job
*the lord of the ring misses us
*we miss the lord of the ring
*the lord of the ring gets to charge room service at hotel california what a lovely place to his employer
*we're having meatloaf


so, that's what has been happening here at the big red house...

and just in case you're wondering what i have been up to the past month...

*sillymortalmama has been biding her time until she could get back here meanwhile daily perfecting her graceful arc toward truly insane

in other words, nothing much has changed...

x.