so we've got a family member who's quite ill...terminal cancer...my father's sister to be exact...we are not close with her due to time and distance and all that...but she is my father's sister, my aunt, and it is sad nonetheless...
so my father called and told me and then called back awhile later, kinda concerned...
"you know, honey, while the women in my family haven't been particularly hearty, this doesn't have anything to do with you...she has this for her own reasons, it's not a family thing...you're going to be fine"
"dad, i've got enough mental illness to keep me busy...i don't have time to worry about cancer"
"oh, honey, you don't suffer from any mental illness...you've just got kids"
"yeah, so is that what you tell yourself?"
to his credit, he laughed...
see that's what i love about my father...he laughs when there's pobably a lot more he'd like to say...no parent likes to think their children have problems, or that their children think they may have problems...
but he takes it in stride...we're both nuts, he knows this...whattayagonna do?
but that's what i love about both my parents...they accept me as i am...they don't tell me what to do and they don't expect me to be any different than who i am...they don't try to talk me out of how i feel and they don't try to tell me i'm someone i'm not...
they recognize their own flaws and allow me to have mine...my father laughs when there's so much more he could say to try to *fix* what i might have broken...
i am flawed and at times broken and a lot of the times wound incredibly tight...they see this, at least i suspect they do, and never once do they suggest i should be any different...whether they like what they see or not...
they have never told me how to parent, how to homeschool, or how to live...
i am sure they have wanted to...i am sure things have been "suggested"...but the expectations of who i am supposed to be have always resided with me...
this has been a bigger gift than i ever realized...because i have been able to make my own decisions without fear of disapproval i have been allowed to grow at the pace i've needed...
we should all be so lucky...lucky enough to chart our course and not have it questioned at every turn...to be able to move at the pace and in the direction we are meant to go...not to have to fulfill the expectations or broken dreams of another...
because as humans we rationally know we can't learn from the mistakes of another...it's as parents that this rationale comes into incredible question...
as a parent, i think i do a pretty good job...i do worry, though, that i may not be able to keep from *suggesting* things to my children a little more than is healthy...as a mother of young children this is necessary...
though, how will it be as they grow?...will i be able to help myself?...especially through the teen years when they resemble toddlers more than adults in terms of the pace of their growth and emotional development?
how will i stop myself from marching right over and picking them up when they stumble as i did when they were little?...how will i help telling them how to do something *right* when they've done it the exact *wrong* way as i did when they were little?
i don't know, for now i am *working* on it...because i am remembering how it felt to be able to make those big decisions and not have anyone stand in my way...how it felt to feel as though i knew what i was doing and not have anyone tell me i didn't (i will let you in on the worst kept secret in the world; mostly i didn't)
how it felt to fall because of my own misstep, not because i got tripped up on another's expectation...
my children are 9 and 5...i've got some time...but i know it isn't much time...there's never enough time when you're a parent...
and i can just see the day i sit by the phone DYING to call and *help*...DYING to *fix* whatever is broken...DYING to impart my *wisdom*...
good god, please just let me be able to just. sit. there. and wait...to not pick up the phone... but rather wait for the ring i can dare to hope will come...
x.
dinner tonight
green chile beef stew
a whole pound of green chiles gets roasted for this recipe...along with tomatoes, onions, garlic, cumin, beef...they cook together slowly for three hours...i can smell it already!!...i'll serve it with corn tortillas...
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