further proof that i should just stay home...

so yesterday i go to have a dress altered...

i have the dress on and the woman asks me what i need done to it...

so i say jokingly

"well i either need bigger boobs or the top needs to be taken in"

to which she responds

"oh no you boob is perfect!...you have the nice boob!...you boob aren't all wrinkly like old lady boob!...you pretty pretty girl!!"

um, okay...thank you for that?...really, good to know because it never occurred to me that i might have wrinkly boobs gawd almighty WHAT NEXT!...

really, i can't take myself anywhere...

after the *boob* incident i get dressed and she is becoming increasingly taken with wingman...in a very sweet completely creepy insane way...

"i love you! i love you! you come give grandma a hug and kiss!...i no bite you i love you!...i hug and kiss you!...you give me kiss i give you candy!"

oh my...

and wingman (who cannot be bribed, threatened, or cajoled into ANYTHING) is standing behind me with that look on his face like "lady, please! AS IF!"

so what does she do?...she starts at his feet laying chocolate down into a little trail leading towards the counter where she and i are standing finishing our transaction...

i'm doing my best to ignore the insanity and hurry up, and he's just standing there blatantly ignoring her and the trail of candy...

"see!...i give the candy!...you like the chocolate!...you come give grandma a kiss and a hug!...grandma loves you!!"

she and i finish up and agree when i'll come to pick up the dress (yes i have to go BACK!)...we say our goodbyes and wingman and i head out the door...

meanwhile as she's still calling to him that she loves him i look down and notice the entire trail of candy is gone and wingman's pockets are not so suspiciously bulging...

see now, that kid knows how to deal with the world at large...which is one trait he clearly does NOT get from his mother...i of the "fat" neck and the "no wrinkly boob"...

no, i am the human freak magnet times ten further complicated by my own inability to have a normal encounter with ANYONE, and wingman's all veni vidi vici mr. cool as a cucumber with a pocket full of chocolate and his integrity intact...

x.

now tell me how you really feel...

overheard last night in the back seat leaving the parking lot of a bike trail/skate park...

little friend: "hey, none of those kids are wearing helmets while they skate"

the duke: "that's because they're teenagers and they're practically free of their mothers"

nice.

and two days ago wingman tells me that when he grows up he wants fourteen children

"but we'll all still live with you and papa forever"

fabulous.

parenting is a lot like being incarcerated...if it doesn't make you cry it'll make you crazy...

x.

i need to call jennifer aniston and schedule a lunch...

seems the lord of the ring just got put on managing a big ol' project in england that brad pitt just happens to be collaborating on the design for...

which means the lord of the ring will likely at some point come into contact with brad and by default angelina jolie...

i told him look, i understand men are apparently powerless in her presence...like the avian flu you get it you deal with it and hopefully you come out alive...no biggie 'cuz what can you do, you know?...just be sure the mortgage is getting paid and in the end you haven't adopted any children i will eventually have to be responsible for...

and then today as we were driving home wingman pipes up from the back with a request only a four year old can conjure up

"i want a step-father like my cousin has!"

and i just thought, hey kid if your dad plays his cards right you just might get one AND a new mommy to boot!

heh heh...what would i do if i actually had a life i just don't know...

x.

i wanna be sedated so cue the banjos, jimbob...

some days you stop and take a good look around and wonder why it is some charity hasn't just scooped you up and put you on a poster yet...

my doctor is concerned because i have a "fat"neck, i've got two dead cars in my front yard, and wingman's teeth are rotting out of his mouth faster than my "uncle" grant could put away a twelve pack...

i kid you not BOTH of our cars broke down as in DEAD within an HOUR of each other...the doctor is concerned about my "fat" neck and has been running some blood tests to rule out, um, hmmm, the fact that i have a "fat" neck???...

"have you ever noticed your neck seems large?"

"um, no...what do you mean by 'large'?"

"large as in 'fat'...be assured, the rest of you isn't 'fat'...you have some extra weight for the size of your frame, but i don't think it's a problem...yet...but i'm concerned about your neck"

um, what???!!!...unless you *are* "fat", which she says i am *not*, then why would your neck be "fat"???...doesn't that seem curious in that creepy lemony snicket kinda way???...i mean who says this???...and hey, she's also my gynecologist so what's next?...next she's gonna tell me i have a "fat" vagina???...then what in the hell am i gonna do??...

*curious* indeed...

but i digress...

it's wingman i'm most concerned about...my baby...that kid...lately i just want to pick him up hold him and not put him down...turns out he's got major decay on his four front teeth and some bits here and there on three others in the back...

they call it "baby bottle decay"...you know, you leave the kid with milk or juice at bedtime night after night in a bottle and it as they fall asleep the liquid pools and eats away at the front teeth?...
only the little bugger has never had a bottle in his life!...unless there's something he's not telling me...dude, maybe someone's been keeping him in rubber nipples and gatorade...the parents are always the last to know...

seriously it is a very sucky situation...words like "four caps on the front and three in the back" and "sedation" and "general anesthesia" and "sterile field" and "procedure possibly to be done at hospital" and "no parents allowed during" are being tossed around and this mama is having a time dealing with all of that...

wingman is an awesomely daredevilish kinda guy...but the dentist?...it took him two visits to just open his mouth...he's a nervous dental patient to be sure...and he's little...man is he little...so they are concerned for his ability to withstand it all...

and it's not like his dental hygiene has been neglected...i brushed and then he brushed, admittedly only occasionally flossed but floss was introduced!!, no bottle, healthy diet, and dot. dot. dot...

we did everything we were supposed to do and it still happened and i feel sick for wingman...

we go on monday for the consult...and a better idea of the decay...i haven't even mentioned the possibility that the decay is so bad he has to have all four front teeth pulled...let's keep our fingers crossed on that one...

everything happens to him...he's such a great, cool kid and lately everything happens to him...three weeks ago he stepped on a freshly dead rodent in the front yard in bare feet...got bitten by a deer tick two weeks ago (still waiting for the signs and symptoms on that)...and now, well now we get over the next hurdle...

poor kid...first it was the channeling of the big hair butt rock air guitar, and now the OBVIOUS predisposition to bad teeth...everyone says he looks like his father but damned it if everything else doesn't just scream MOM!!!...

at this point the best i can hope for is a swift and positive resolution to his teeth dilemma, more sophisticated channeling of *more importantly* better musical influences in the future, and above all no matter what just a bit of sedation gets kicked down my way in the meantime...

x.

p.s. could y'all keep wingman in your thoughts and prayers? i have a feeling he's gonna need all the vibes he can get...