Thursday, December 06, 2012

the middle.

this note comes to you from the middle.

this is not a post wherein i describe something awful or real or really awful and then OH BUT I FOUND A LUCKY PENNY AND NOW IT'S OKAY SEE HOW I DID THAT!?

this is not that post.

this is the note everyone writes but no one sends. this is the note written from the very mess of the middle. after the beginning before the end wherein you're not quite sure how to proceed so of course you keep the blinds closed and the door shut and you don't invite anyone in because oh then you'd have to show them the mess and then not be able to explain it.

well, here i am. here is my mess. and i'll try to explain it.

see, and as it turns out, through a series of unfortunate events i seem to have lost my faith.

just, lost it.

and it's not really important what happened or how or why or blah blah blah...because it's not what happens to us it's how we deal with it ONLY I CAN'T. just. can't. and that's just weird to me.

and i'm not actually quite sure how it happened...you know faith not being a tangible thing like virginity or your car keys. one minute i was bopping along just fine and the next it was like i woke up in the back of a windowless van with shag carpeting and a wizard airbrushed on the side. i have no idea how i got here or why, and i don't see a way out. it's paralyzing in its own creepy way.

and every day i wake up and every day i'm still in that van. and it sucks.

okay, that's not true. not every day, some days it's like a windowless hotel conference room. and the doors have no handles. and there's nothing but donuts and coffee with POWDERED CREAMER. i can't stand donuts and powdered creamer.

i guess it depends on the day. because that's what faith does, it mitigates fear and resignation. it lifts you out of the van or the hotel conference room and sets you on soft ground outside, under a great tree, and sends in a gentle breeze. without it, you're in the hands of the fucking wizard.

now, there are some of you, bless your hearts, who will at this point want to pick up the phone and call me and suggest therapy or drugs or a 3 day hold or whatever and to you i say, do not. this is not a crisis of mental functioning, this is a crisis of faith. i suppose to some they are similar, but i assure you my brain is functioning at the same odd level it always has.

i send you this note from the middle expressly because i can. i am able. and that right there insures that i will be okay. not now, no, but eventually.

god, i am such a control freak. i mean really.

ANYWAY.

how do you know you have lost your faith, you might be wondering. i mean, what is faith anyway, you might be thinking. does this have to do with jesus or god because if it does i'm going to stop reading right now, you might be threatening.

unruffle your atheist panties, it doesn't.

what it means is this, i do not believe anymore that it's all just going to work out. i can't see it. and by all i mean all those things that are shitty and awful. i have had some pretty rough years recently and through it all i have always been able to stand among the piling rubble and say, well, okay. that happened. but look I FOUND A LUCKY PENNY. LOOK THERE ARE LILACS IN MY YARD. OH MY GOD A BIRD I LOVE BIRDS IT'S ALL GOING TO BE JUST FINE. and then i start singing 'just keep swimming' from nemo and write a blog post. lather rinse repeat.

yeah. no. not today. not for awhile. and while it sounds annoying and probably was, to be that optimistic and *sure* and just *know* i miss it. it was a new thing for me after a lifetime of 'it'll never work' and 'yeah good luck with that, sucker' and always having to clear a space for the other shoe to drop. my faith and optimism were AWESOME when they appeared. even as it wasn't easy to always keep it up, to keep moving forward even as it's all falling to shit. it wasn't easy but i was able to do it. because i had it. the faith. sometimes even with a little bit of grace. and i can't now. and i miss that.

but i will tell you what i miss most, the very thing that makes me so angry and mad at the world and EVERYONE the thing that makes me just want to key the fucking airbrushed wizard and then go back to bed and stay there...what i miss most is my sparkle. i've lost my sparkle. THE WIZARD IS STILL SPARKLY AND I AM NOT. this whole series of unfortunate events that has robbed me of my faith TOOK MY FUCKING SPARKLE, TOO.

bastard.

a girl without her sparkle is a girl to be reckoned with. it's a mean thing to be robbed of. it's a terrible thing to be without. sparkle is the ultimate accessory and the key to all things good about being a girl in this world. i had no idea my sparkle was tied so intrinsically to my faith. but i guess it was, because it's gone.

faith. sparkle. what's next? because i will tell you what, i am not in the mood for what's next so what's next is welcome to take a fucking hike.

i want a clapper. i want to clap it and the faith i once held so dear will chirp from somewhere and i will be like OH MY GOD it's behind the couch!! of course! i must've dropped it there that one time. whew. that was close!

no such luck. in the meantime i walk. i stretch. i breathe. the whole keep calm, carry on thing. i do all the other things i always used to do every day only now i try to not look like i'm drowning. or plotting a murder. i try to just keep my back straight and my chin up. try to yogi cowboy my way out of this thing. i think that might be the trick, but i don't really know.

because i honestly do not know what to do.

and there you have it. the report from the middle.

the unpleasant and unsparkly shag carpeted windowless middle.

just me and the wizard.

x.

3 comments:

Ingrid said...
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Ingrid said...
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Jenna Carodiskey-Wiebe said...

I feel you so much. I do! Sometimes I feel like my faith is an identity, not something I feel. Sometimes, I can't pray, not because I don't think God is there but because I'm tired of talking at God without anything changing. I won't give you any advice because crises of faith advice always sounds terribly lame, but you are not alone.