never marry a writer.

because we have raging egos AND bottomless pits of need and the beauty is that can change hourly.

and does.

and also because it means at some point they are going to write about your relationship.

today marks the 18th anniversary of the day the husband and i first met. love at first sight. and i will be the first to say that we don't have a perfect relationship because i don't even know what that is? what is that? what we have works for us. and i think relationships are super complicated and hard sometimes and then there's that whole 'living a life' business to pile on top.

and i was thinking about this the other day, about what makes some people stay together, what drives some people apart.

i am a moody bitchy cancer and have mild chronic depression with cheapskate tendencies and some days i am just a fucking picnic to be around. plus, apparently, i will write about you, too. at some point. so that has GOT to be a bonus. right?

he's an aquarian. enough said. the optimism and list making alone will drive you insane.

the simple fact is through better and whole lotta worse in the last few years and the last few months the husband and i have loved each other and liked each other and stuck by each other for 18 years. and other than a fancy dinner out and googly eyes over wine and seared meat that someone else cooks and cleans up, that's got to account for something.

i don't know what that something is, but in thinking about it i realized that i have loosely carried 3 simple thoughts around me. and they have made all the difference in the world. and because i'm me, i want to share them with you.

1. hold hands

2. cut a LOT of slack

3. be kind

holding hands is literal and figurative. it basically means don't break contact. always stick with your buddy. the world gets scary and the world gets dark and if you stop holding hands someone is going to get hurt. or lost.

OH MY GOD cut the other guy some slack. early and often. i mean really. no one is perfect. and we ALL do dumb stuff. the only way to learn from our dumb stuff is if we get the chance to learn from our dumb stuff. and we get that chance if someone cuts us some slack. or a lot of slack. and i will tell you what, the dumb stuff do-er is punishing themselves enough with their dumb stuff do-ing. trust me. so you don't *HAVE* to do it for them you just *WANT* to. don't. go do something else.

be kind. seriously. even when you can and even when you are JUSTIFIED JUST KEEP YOUR MEAN TRAP SHUT.  your mean ol' mouth just makes it worse. don't be mean. be kind. bite your tongue or get a blog under a pseudonym or buy a journal and a special 'just for me' pen WHATEVER just keep your mean thoughts to yourself. can you be mad and angry? HELL YES. can you be honest? yes. do. but don't confuse anger and honesty with being an asshole. and when we are in a spin HOWEVER JUSTIFIED it's easy to fool ourselves. don't fool yourself.

this doesn't mean you can't argue or disagree or be mad when the person you marry or partner with does dumb stuff. it just means there are better ways to do it than most of us do. kinder ways. faster to get back to the good stuff ways.

and really? seriously? NO ONE no matter what age likes to be yelled at. no one.

all right. that's all i got. now i'm going to go open a bottle of champagne and count my blessings and wonder, as i always do, how i got to be so damned lucky.

x.