Monday, November 15, 2004

free to be lazy ol' me...

so i am horribly behind on my novel adventure...

i like to think it's because the words i do have represent some really great work, and that it might just have to be about quality at this point rather than quantity...

but that is a crock of shit...the truth is i took a week off and now i am screwed...

i got some good work in today, and will work again after dinner...yup, twice a day for the next fifteen and i just might be able to do this yet...great...the thing is, i've never been a do anything every day kinda gal, so i certainly have no business thinking i'm gonna be able to write twice a day...i'm more the kind that starts off with the best of intentions and then just barely makes it to the cutoff with a big old sigh of relief and the knowledge that it never ends up being a job well done as much as it ends up being, well, at least the job is done...but i am ever optimistic, despite my obvious affliction...

which i do believe they call procrastination...only that sounds far too generous in my case...let's face it, i'm lazy...interested in doing and being more, dreaming big and exploring possibilities...i'm just lousy on the execution...

man, i would have made a really great stoner...i say *would* because of course i couldn't possibly afford to take up smoking pot now...

anyway, this week i aim to get back on track and stay there...and if that doesn't pan out i can fall back and be satisfied with the old "at least i tried" bit...

you see, i was raised during the free to be you and me era...which, in addition to giving me a lifetime of catchy egalitarian kid power songs stuck in my head, sure does come in handy...it's good to know that no matter who i am or what i do, or don't do, that i am special!...that i don't have to *win* to be a *winner*!...hell, i don't even have to finish the damn race!...come to think of it i don't have to even enter the race!!!...i can sit on my ass at home drinking shasta cola watching brady bunch re-runs and i will be just as good as the guy who did win the race...because that's "just who i am", and that is enough...

and with that kind of encouragement i grew up thinking that i could be anything!!! i wanted...even if i strived to be a housework hating, dolls for boys pushing, extreme makeover qualifying ugly woman/man (my choice, of course) married to a dwarf that most certainly WOULD NOT DRESS MY CAT IN AN APRON!!!...and it wouldn't no, SHOULDN'T matter if i was ugly and my partner was short...because apparently we shouldn't care about our looks or our size, shouldn't want to change a thing, and in fact should be ecstatically happy about it!!!...

though if i had a cat who liked to bake i think i'd be totally excited about the possibilities and would want to treat him or her to a fantastic new apron for their efforts...a totally non-gendered, functional, you are free to be who you are and this is in no way trying to box you in or put you in some sort of submissive position in which you must bake at my bidding kinda apron...no siree...or ma'am...or ???...sometimes it's hard to tell with cats...

but, i digress...

ahh, those were the days, indeed...of course reagan had to come along with his "contract for america" and that damned president's fitness challenge and muck it all up, but that's another story...(personally i knew then that arnold was going to be a problem)...

in truth, despite the overtly politically correct (if you were a liberal) soundtrack of my generation, i do want to make it to 50,000 words...i want to finish what i have started and to finish well...i have set a goal for myself and i would like to have a satisfying return on that investment...

BUT, if that doesn't all pan out the way i hope, then at least i can be secure in the knowledge that it's all right to cry...

and more importantly that no matter what happens, i will always be a winner in marlo thomas' eyes...

score!

x.

1 comment:

Audra said...

Good to see ya back!! I count on you for my daily dose of perspective and I've missed you!! Good Luck w/ your novel...I know you can do it!!