my son is bea arthur...

so every week the duke gets to choose a dessert for us to make together...he pages through our cookbooks for recipes and ideas and then chooses something...

and boy does he...the boy cannot choose a *normal* dessert!...no cookies, no brownies, well, once a cake but that's it...no, he chooses the fussiest desserts out there!...

one week it was candied nuts...candied nuts...what is he, 80?...another week it was lemon chiffon pie, another week it was chocolate truffles with a cocoa powder dusting...this week it's fruit mousse with gelatin...

it's true...he is an eighty year old woman trapped in a seven year old boys body...

and, he wants to use peaches...which i'm sure are no less than fifty dollars a pound...and the recipe calls for cassis...cassis!...too bad the eighty year old woman trapped in his body didn't think to bring her pension along for expenses...

i'ma bet i'll be *sampling* that cassis before the morning is out...

today is also the official get all halloween costumes finished day...i am finishing the duke's "gryffindor quidditch player" cloak (from harry potter for those of you who are reading this from under a rock) and putting ears, spots, and a tail on wingman's "blue" costume (from blue's clues)...

it could be worse...next year they want to go as wallace and gromit...or, the duke wants to be a town crier with a bell...

"and i'll ring it and ring it and ring it and shout that important people are coming and everyone should get out of the way"

that oughta be really really annoying...and what exactly does a town crier wear?...i liked it better when he wanted to be an ancient desert nomad last year...sure, he wanted to wear a loin cloth but at least i know what they look like!...

and then he said maybe he'd like to be a ghost next year...yeah, sure, they always tease you with that one...i'd like to see the kid who actually follows through with that!...how easy...i got a sheet...i got some scissors, it's go time kid...none of this weeks long costume making deal...snip snip...yeah, i'd like to see that...but i doubt i will...

i will also be attempting to enjoy my last few days of freedom before november 1st...too bad my novel ideas aren't political in nature, i'd sure have no problem coming up with material then...as it is, i have terrible terrible awful horrible sappy smarmy ideas for this novel crowding my head...i can't wait!...

so have a great halloween weekend...and be sure to watch out for ghouls, goblins, and crap peddling politicians...

x.

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's, uh, NaNoWriMo???

november is national novel writing month...november 1 to midnight november 30...

the challenge of NaNoWriMo is to write a novel in thirty days...how novel...

50,000 words...that's roughly 1,500 words a day...

how novel, indeed...and i am just crazy enough to be very excited about this so i joined...

(insert primal scream here)

anyhow, you register with the organization and get a profile and keep a daily word count and the like...

when i get up and running i'll give you the link...you can check my progress...

but i imagine the less you see me here, the more words i will amass towards my end goal...i will be looking to cannibalize words wherever i can find them...

i know what you're thinking...you're thinking if she can't even check in here and throw us a few words on crazy days how is she gonna be able to write enough to get to 50,000 words in thirty days?...well, you know, i don't know how either!...isn't that funny!...HA!

seriously, i will have to be stealthy about this...or just insane...really, it's just a matter of less sleep, more coffee...sounds simple yet horrifying...the best plans always are...

damn, i sure picked the wrong time to get over my insomnia!

and don't y'all worry...when i write as an actual grownup i do employ the use of capital letters...i rejoice in punctuation!...i banish ellipses to the "well don't you think yourself clever" box at the back of my closet that also holds the red heels i wore for my midwifery school graduation and a book of unfortunate poetry i thankfully have not ever unleashed on the general public...

wish me luck and pass the cream...

x.

something is rotten in the state of denmark...

school has been a bit challenging of late...well, not school so much as school mixed with wingman...

do you know what it is like to try and describe how to find multiple equivalent fractions while a three foot tall person circles the table in a bicycle helmet humming the theme to wallace and gromit at the top of his voice?

you don't?...well, let me tell you, it's crazy making...virtually guarantees a room at psycho-lodge...

oh, and trying to explain the intricacies of hamlet while the same three foot tall person shouts every five minutes I HAT TO DOUGH POOP!!! I HAT TO DOUGH POOP!!! TUM WIT ME MAMA!!!...then you all rush to the bathroom and as you are lifting him up on the toilet you are finishing your explanation to the duke of the role rosencrantz and guildenstern play and all while the three foot wonder sits on the toilet and says over and over

loot (look), i'm hatsing (hatching)...i ah buhrd (bird)

you don't?...well, let me tell you, it could get you a suite at the psycho-lodge...

i do enjoy homeschooling...it is rewarding and exciting and dare i say, some days it's even fun...but on the days when wingman has done his own school work, used up his allotted t.v. time, and scarfed down his share of snacks, it isn't fun...

it's a race to see who loses it first...the impatient for us to finish wingman, or me who is desperately trying to tie up the last part of the last lesson of the day and convey a completed thought/sentence/idea to the duke...

can you guess who takes a ride on the wacky one sandwich shy of a picnic train?...

anyway, i need to get a handle on it...until then, i fear my posts will be short and on some days non-existent...because by the end of school it's the end of me...and this post i've had floating about in my head about the impermanence of existence and the mixed emotions it brings seems ridiculous when i am just wishing this day would get over already!...

which is just rotten as getting what's inside my head out is a sure fire way to keep me out of the psycho-lodge...or at least level the playing field...

in other news, the duke did really really well at the chess tournament on sunday...he won three out of five, and he and and whatever opponent he was facing were nearly the last to finish each time...which suggested he is a challenging player and really makes his opponent work for the win...

and, win or lose, he ended each round smiling and nonchalant really about the whole thing...he was just happy to be there around so many other boys, both his age and older...just happy to have a day of chess playing...

maybe he'll teach me to play then we'll have something to do when he comes to visit me in the home...

x.

cat pee, kid poop, and republicans...

it must be monday...

and just to let you know how my monday panned out, within a sixty second time period the three following things occurred...

*i discovered the cat had peed on our bed (at once meaning swift cleaning action of several layers of bedding, a night or more away from our bed, and resisting the urge to yell horrible things at the elderly cat)

*wingman started yelling from the bathtub that he HAT TO DOUGH (GO) POOP WITE NOW!!! TUM DET ME I HAT TO DOUGH POOOOOOP!!!! MAMA MAMA MAMA!!!!

*the republican party called for a pre-election chat (i only answered thinking it was the lord of the ring and only got rid of them by hanging up)

x.

oh, and incidentally he never did poop...we are still waiting...

a fraction of my day...(because i cannot even get started on my TOOTH!)

so the math books came...

they are too easy...

sigh double sigh...

i am going to send them back and it looks like jump two levels up...but, this we will start in january as we only have a few weeks left of this year (we take december off to study different winter holidays/cultures around the world, and to focus on spirit, both personal and otherwise)...

so this means it is STILL up to me to teach him fractions...actually this week we learned how to add and subtract fractions that had common denominators...and how to add two unequal fractions together to make a whole number...

well you will be happy to know or just may not care BUT (insert proud grin here) today out of sheer desperation (and to distract myself from an aching throbbing tooth) i taught myself how to add fractions with different denominators!...how to find the lcd (least common denominator) and everything!...it was a breakthrough moment...i never not once got this in school...didn't have a clue...i may have even blacked out a few times trying...but now, now after a few days of practice this weekend the gloves are off and we are mastering fractions starting next week...

so apparently i can do math...well, who knew?...

oh, the duke has a chess tournament this weekend...his first!...he is terribly excited and can't wait...wish him luck!

x.

hey baby i hear the blues a callin', tossed salad and scrambled eggs...

today the duke was filling in descriptions on a rock chart for the rock collection he has amassed in honor of last week's earth science week hoopla...

i noticed that with one rock (rock # 2 to be exact) he had written the following in the box that asks him to approximate/describe the size of the rock...

about the size of a wine grape

ahh, my little frasier crane...

x.

vanakkam, namala!*

i have to make this quick as this day is passing me by faster than my youthful beauty...

y'all be relieved to know that i ordered the duke's math textbook and workbook today...

apparently the same one they use in singapore...

go figure...

and yes, i ordered a teacher's manual too...

oh, and did you know that the official language of singapore is malay, but in fact english is predominant?...actually, they speak malay, english, chinese, and tamil...but most of the country and especially the administration is english speaking...

it's a good thing too, i have a hard enough time with math without having to try to figure out how to teach it in tamil...

x.

*hello in tamil

the chump has been stumped...

it's fractions...fractions did me in...

i didn't understand them all those years ago, and i don't now...

and now i have to call in the calvary and get a formal math program for the duke...i have studied it for about a week now, i can't get it...i don't understand...

sigh...

and i know how to bake and cook and double recipes and mix drinks...so i get the basic idea, it's just beyond that...AAACK! i gotta stop thinking about it!...

it's raining today, so no more jackass stunts outside...although rest time is nearly over and once well rested who knows what the boybarians will come up with inside...

the duke has taken to listening to the radio in his room for about an hour each day...i snuck up and saw him laying on his bed reading and boppin' his little feet along to the music...it's a great station, too...kexp out of seattle...they're on the web, too...really eclectic and very groovy...

i'm making chicken chili verde for dinner and trying to finish a book i started so long ago i might have to re-read the entire thing over...i can't read lately...there's something up in my head...it's like i sit down with the book and my mind starts racing...which is not unlike how insomnia feels...and which is odd in that i can't remember the last time i awoke in the night...it's been awhile now...

so it makes me wonder, did my nighttime insomnia go away only to re-appear during the day when i try to read?...and it sucks, by the way...this not being able to read...i don't know which is worse...not being able to sleep, or not being able to read...

now that i don't have to figure out fractions all on my own, i just may have the mental capacity to ponder that one...hopefully i won't have to, and it will just go away...

but dinner won't...so off i go to strip my freshly baked chicken of its meat and blanch some tomatillos...

enjoy your day...and just so you know how really wacky it can get around here, earlier i witnessed the following exchange between the duke and wingman...wingman was chasing after the duke shouting

"top! (stop)...you ah unnah (under) awest, cidadin! (citizen)"

to which the duke replied

"you can't arrest me you miscreant!"

x.

jackass; the early years...

okay, so i've never seen the show jackass...or the movie...

well now i don't have to...it's being shown in my front yard...

so i look out this morning and there is wingman standing on top of a little toddler scoot bike that's inside of a wagon (rolling back and forth inside it i might add!) that is attached to the duke's bicycle and the duke is taking off pulling the wagon down the driveway!

of course i run out and shout for them to stop in my best screamy mom voice that could raise the dead (and boy i've had plenty of chance to work on that one lately)...they both look at me like what's up with that?...

i tried to explain the gravity and stupidity of the situation but i really got the impression that they didn't care...because they got off and then came up with another plan...this one apparently involved putting the toddler scoot bike on top of this big rock in the yard...

and then riding it off!...

needless to say, i am a killjoy...they didn't get any farther than the "hey, i have a good idea" stage...and thus they are protected from themselves for at least one more day...

oh, and wingman was wearing his helmet...but i know it didn't have a thing to do with safety, he simply didn't take it off after riding his big kid bike earlier...

oh my god...i can see it all now...this must be how johnny knoxville got his start...god, what his mother must have gone through...

now there's a woman i'd like to meet...i'd definitely have a few burning questions for her...like how do i keep my boybarians from killing themselves and me from having a heart attack daily?...and if there's nothing i can do about it, how do i exploit it for wads of cash!...

in the meantime i will take my meager on the job training and try to apply it the best i can...try not to "overreact", (i call it "parenting", but as the boybarians get older i have a feeling this is what they will refer to it as) to understand the pull of homemade stunt vehicles and the call to dangerous, jackass moves...

if that fails, i may have to just stock up on bandaids and vodka and hope for the best...

x.

only eight more hours to go until bedtime...

i am incredibly spent and toasted after this week so i'll make this brief and leave you with what wingman said to the lord of the ring at 6:15 this morning as we were dropping him off at the bus stop

"see ya waiter tow (cow)-boy!"

have a good weekend...

x.

snap crackle pop!

another busy day, but i wanted to let you know about this cool thing we did...

for earth science today we made an edible earth to illustrate/represent the four layers...

the crust, the mantle, the outer core, and the inner core...

so basically we made a huge rice crispie treat ball (about the size of a big softball) to represent the mantle...which is rock solid, but still flowing at a very very slow rate each year...

a marshmallow inside the rice crispie ball to represent the outer core, and inside the marshmallow, a red spice drop to represent the inner core...which is quite hot so we used a cinnamon flavored one...

then we covered the whole shebang in "magic shell" chocolate (that stuff you squirt over ice cream and it hardens right away) to represent the earth's crust...which is 22 miles thick, but actually very thin in comparison to the rest of the layers...it's also the part of the earth we call home...

the duke suggested putting it all in the freezer so the chocolate shell would crack and make an earthquake...maybe next time...

then we sliced it in half and checked out the layers...it was very cool!...it really represented all four layers quite well...especially the disparity in thickness of each...and then the earth got gobbled up...well, except for the inner core...apparently it really is too "hot" (spicy) to eat!...

definitely a cool lesson...

and as for yesterday's project, the duke's cake was absolutely superb!...a perfect chocolate cake...he was very proud...

so there you have it...we are just piling up the knowledge here at the big red house...one pound at a time...

x.

hi! bye!

i have no time for a chat today...

but i stopped in to say the duke is making a cake all by himself! (well, i greased the pans)

i'll let you know how it turns out...

oh, and i'll enjoy some of this incredibly beautiful fall day for y'all...it's just gorgeous outside...

x.

hey buddy, can you spare some spirulina?

this week is busy already and it's only tuesday...shit, what happened to monday!!!

it's national earth science week, so we've got extra activities and lessons planned around that...we made a volcano last week...this week we are exploring earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc...so far we've learned that we are definitely NOT moving to southern mexico or the coast of alaska...

the duke thinks the midwest is the safest place to be according to our map of natural disasters, but we don't get to tornadoes until thursday...i'm thinking he may change his mind...

in history last week we followed augustine to ancient britain wherein he "graciously" brought christianity to the anglo-saxons and celts...so, i'm spending this week introducing the duke to druidism to round out the traditional historical perspective...

it's amazing how little of the actual facts we get when dealing with traditional historical perspective...and how willing we as a culture are to accept it as truth and go from there...it nearly makes me gleeful to counter that on a daily basis...

and no, we don't celebrate columbus day...

then there is the doctor...i am finally taking the boybarians to the doctor...they've never been, but then again, they've never really been sick...

but we homeschool and don't vaccinate in the midst of a very military and very conservative population, and the last thing i need is to be accused of being some sort of freakazoid...(which anyone who knows me well knows i am, but we don't have to tell anyone around here that)

and since we don't have insurance, the doctor don't come cheap...but she's great, right around the corner on a farm, and is a naturopathic pediatrician...which means beyond the normal doctor stuff, she asks me about my kids...who they are, what they eat, how they dream...she genuinely cares what i think about what my kids need, and said "i always encourage parents above all to trust their intuition as it's the best first step in good health care"...we spent an hour and a half with her today, and will again tomorrow (initial appointments)...

diagnosis?...apparently my kids are the picture of absolute health...(insert big mama grin here) she didn't have one recommendation except they need more spirulina or equivalent thereof in their diets...

um, i think i can live with that...

she said that the lord of the ring and i have done an "exemplary job" with their nutrition, water intake, sleeping habits, and general health...and that she doesn't often see such healthy kids...

which is good, because when the bill comes i may have to trade one of them for payment...

x.

karma karma karma karma karma chameleOUCH!

today i was on the phone with jeanbean railing about the cost of health care...that catastrophic was really the best option financially if you never ever go to the doctor, even though you are still paying so much for so little...

like no medical care unless you are bleeding to death...and then you hope you do because the deductible is so freakin' high!

then i went on and on and on that i am never sick and don't ever need a doctor and therefore don't need to be paying hundreds of dollars a month to keep me well...

and as i'm getting right into the thick of my rant I FALL OFF THE STAIRS!!!!

i slipped off the bottom two steps right onto my ass and twisted my wrist...

hello karma, nice of you to drop by...can you help me up?

and no, i won't be going to the doctor...as falling on your ass is not *catastrophic*...

i plan on dr. jack daniels and his trusty assistant nurse advil to patch me up...(and yes bag lady in paris, i took some arnica too!)

ouch...

x.

and apparently he doesn't nap anymore either...

sigh...

with all the changes wingman is going through, he's decided he no longer needs a nap...so my hour and a half of boybarian free time each day (read: this is the time i generally write) is gone!

sure, sure, they are technically supposed to spend the time reading or looking at books, but wingman calls to me or sings at the top of his lungs the whole time...or, he complains of dire hunger...which continues to suggest he thinks i was born yesterday because anyone who's ever seen that kid knows he won't be wasting away anytime soon...

so, now i will have to be crafty about how i get my time in to blog...because the moment i sit down at the computer is not unlike the moment i get on the phone...all of a sudden everyone needs me and the volume gets dialed way way up...

i need a plan to be able to get my blog done...a daily diversionary tactic...well another one...because let me tell you to get through the day getting everything i need to get done is basically me setting up diversionary tactic after diversionary tactic...i shoulda been a spy...or driven around with the gang in the mystery machine...

so i need a plan...yes a plan...or a big roll of duct tape...

x.

HEY HEY HEY! i can't be the only one totally thrilled they are making a fat albert movie!...the fat albert gang comes from their time to our time...i'm sure it will be as dorky as hell but no matter...i'm there... :)

oh, and in case y'all were wondering how i have the chance to write right now i just want to say one word; toast...the duke has become the toastmaster in our house and as long as i can keep them all cracked out on toast in the morning i'm good for about twelve minutes...which is usually when i have my one and only solitary bathroom visit...but i am taking one for the team this morning and using that time to sneak in here...

so he really won't be going to the prom in diapers!

wingman is officially out of diapers!...

(well, we haven't tackled nighttime yet)

i am proud of him and very pleased that my last poopy diaper is behind me...it all happened very quickly yesterday (you have to poop and need a diaper?...oh darn, we're out of diapers (lie)...you can either wait until papa gets home or sit on the potty now) and had i known the last poopy diaper was indeed the last one would i have been a bit sad about it?...HELL NO!

i am now entering a new era of motherhood known as "no longer needs a diaper bag EVER AGAIN"...and the prospect of no longer having to transport and deal with poopy diapers is quite appealing i must say...

(are you tired of me using the phrase "poopy diapers" yet?)

only now i am certain timing and bathroom availability will be essential in my forays out of the house to prevent any eruptions...

and speaking of eruptions, today i will cut it short as we are constructing a volcano outside as part of the excitement surrounding the doins' up at mount st. helens...only the duke has decided that he wants it to be a prehistoric volcano...he's gathering all the plastic dinosaurs and apparently i am on "tree" duty...

i have no idea what wingman's job is but he's got the glue and a cup full of markers and he's headed into the living room...not a good sign!...gotta go!

x.

the duke's running commentary, riverdance, and tagging...it's been life as usual around here...

the duke is just as verbally prolific as usual, and wingman still thinks i was born yesterday...

while watching the debate last week i left the room for a time to attend to something, and when i came back i remarked on a particularly lame response by president bush...then i said

"and look at his face...with those thin little pursed lips!...who'd trust a thing he says!"

to which the duke responded

"well, he is an old oil man you know"

and went back to coloring his picture of world war two...which included a soldier watering a flower in the middle of battle and another soldier enjoying cotton candy from a concession booth placed conveniently on the battlefield...(which, unfortunately, proved to be a fatal mistake on his part)...

then last night after dinner we were sitting at the table talking about the tree outside our dining room window that until yesterday had quite a bit of ivy hanging from it...the lord of the ring eradicated a great deal of it and discovered in the process that the tree is just as dead as can be...with suckers out the top and ivy growing up it and inside of it...

i was commenting on the tree and it's probable future danger if we should have a big storm when the duke says

"well, it's not really a tree...it's just one big standing nurse log"

and went back to the riverdance/riverstomp (a slightly different take on your traditional riverdance as interpreted by the duke) routine he was perfecting...the scary thing, once again, is how good he was...like a young michael flatly...dear god, can you hear me weeping?...

the thing is, it's not unusual that he actually listens to what we say...or, like all kids repeats what he hears...it's just that he repeats these things in the proper context of the conversation...and apparently can do so quite well even while irish clogging...

(just wanted to mention that aside from the few snarky comments/opinions the lord of the ring and i let slip (for instance while watching a debate), we do not verbally bash anyone in front of the kids...ever...there are several people in this world that truly disgust and scare the lord of the ring and i, but those discussions are saved for when the boybarians are otherwise ensconsed)

in the meantime, wingman has been up to his usual preschooler tricks...every once in awhile i will come across a piece of furniture or a tablecloth, etc. with pen marks on it...wingman swears it isn't him but it's hard to believe him when the marks are a big "w" or "wingman" written very largely and clearly in red ink...

i have to say, however, that his penmanship is quite good...which just proves the theory that mothers of criminals can always still find something good to say about them...

as you can see, you haven't missed much...the boybarians are just a strange and wonderful as usual...and life does truly go on even when you are trying to take a break...

so, hey, nice to see y'all again...

and because i like you i will spare you from the similarities i've been drawing between president bush and the hollow standing nurse log with the suckers out the top that likes to believe it's a tree...

x.