Thursday, August 23, 2012

marriage is not very sexy sometimes. more often than not this is realized while shopping in target.



so the husband and i went to target. by ourselves. this is called a 'date.' oh, and also we needed trash bags.

so i have a list and he has a list and he grabs the cart.

and that's when i see them. a young couple. they look like they just rolled out of bed. they're both wearing the loose, branded clothing of their respective colleges. she's beautiful in the way young women are. when you can roll out of bed and look like she does. i remember those days. these days when i wake up i look like i just rolled out from under the bed.  i can practically smell the strawberry shampoo from where i'm standing.

she looks up and catches my eye. she looks me up and down. you know, like women like to do. and i can almost hear her inner dialogue based on the look on her face. oh my god, i will never look like that at her age. i will still be thin. i will be dressed cute. i will not let my hair go grey.

i want to take her aside and explain what 'poker face' means and how it will serve her well in the future.

instead, i just smiled at her and she tightened her grip on her boyfriend's hand and they went down the next aisle.

meanwhile, we shop.

 the husband is rattling off the list and then he says

'we can get the board to cover the cat boxes at home depot. we'll go there next. then paper towels and toilet paper at trader joe's.'

'you know. if you really think about it as a whole, marriage is one un-sexy undertaking.'

'oh hush. we should get more light bulbs.'

the beautiful young woman and her boyfriend pass by.

i try to hold the husband's hand. but someone has to push the cart.

we are walking down an aisle and the husband stops. he sees something. it's a bench. for the entry way. we need a bench for our entry way because we've decided we're not going to wear shoes in this house. i know, we're THOSE people. but YOU can totally wear shoes when you come over. really. i'm serious.

so we need a bench and he's looking at this bench that's on sale. and cheap. and probably kinda crappy. i know what he wants. and it's not this bench. it's an antique oak 'hall tree' that has a built in seat with a hinged top and a mirror and hooks and you put it in your entry way and it's beautiful. it's also out of our price range.

and he knows my ultra practical self would go for this as a temporary fix. even though he's not into temporary fixes. especially kinda crappy ones. so i ask

'i thought you wanted something different?'

'yeah. i do. but that's really pricey and we need a bench and this is on sale.'

'well, i don't mind it. but this is YOUR decision. i don't want you coming in every day after work looking at that crappy target bench and seeing your whole life in that crappy target bench.'

'what are you talking about?'

'you know, the whole i don't get to make any decorating decision and i don't have any say and i work all the time and i don't have any say and now here's this crappy bench and i didn't have any say.'

'when have i ever done that? even remotely?'

'well, never. but people do ALL THE TIME. and there's a first time for everything. one day you're happily married and the next thing you know you're arguing over who gets to keep the crappy bench that no one wanted in the first place. get the bench or don't, but this is your decision.'

'don't you have something else you can go get?'

'i'll go get the trash bags.'

'good idea.'

so i'm looking for trash bags. this is an 'issue.' because we bought like this HUGE ass trash can. and it needs the 13 gallon sized trash bags. only, by the time they're filled they bust when you try to take them out of the trash can. so i'm looking for BIGGER kitchen trash bags thinking that the extra at the top will give us an edge in them not ripping when they're full.

the husband and i had like a 20 minute discussion about this.

well, and as it turns out, they don't MAKE kitchen trash bags larger than 13 gal. who knew? not me. BUT, and as it turns out, there's like this whole bunch of trash bags that are like rip proof and stretchy and grabby at the top so they don't slip and rip. but now to choose which one. so i get to work and i'm already overwhelmed. i have a choice of 3 when the husband appears.

'okay. so this one is extra tough. this one is extra stretchy. this one grabs at the top of the can.'

'jesus. you'd think they could roll it all into one. well which one should we get?'

'beats me. i mean, with all the cat litter we have to toss after cleaning boxes twice a day it gets really heavy.  that's why it rips.'

and right then the beautiful young woman and her boyfriend pass by. she looks at me and quickly looks away. she looks like she swallowed something fermented. she's holding one box of band aids. they have kermit on them. isn't that cute. i think i want to punch her.

i look at the husband. studying the boxes of trash bags. in which to hold the massive amounts of cat shit and garbage our house generates. i remember when we used to have sex in the front seat. well, it was that once. he had a really small car.

'marriage. un-sexy. and here's the proof.'

'oh hush. i'm going to put these two back and get this one.'

and as he's reaching up i reach over and put my hand on his ass.

he looks at me and smiles.

'what are you doing?'

'i'm making trash bag shopping more sexy.'

the woman in front of us turns around and glares.

the moment passes.
 
we head over to get contact lens solution.

'oh wait. let's go down here. i'm going to have my period soon.'

'okay.'

and there she is again. WHAT IN THE HELL! is she fucking following me?!

and now she looks at me with horror and revulsion. she looks at the husband calmly marking off his list while i've been caught red handed buying feminine products IN FRONT OF HIM. AS IF IT ISN'T ANY BIG DEAL. oh. the horrors. stop.

she had been looking at the sun screen on the end cap. she still has the band aids.  she puts down the sunscreen and grabs her boyfriend's hand.

'let's go.'

'didn't you want to get that?'

'i'm done.'

and i start to chuckle. and i SO want to shout something after her. but i don't. and i don't know what i WOULD shout. 'it gets better!' maybe? as in one day it's going to be comfortable to be with the one you love. one day you'll finally feel comfortable eating in front of him. one day you can buy more than a box of band aids with kermit on them just because they're cute. because you're stalling. you came to target for that? the hell you did. you probably had something else you needed but were suddenly too shy in front of your boyfriend. and now you're here like YOU DON'T NEED SOMETHING? you're in target, beautiful young woman. CIRCLING 'health & beauty' and there isn't ONE THING YOU NEED? and yes i'm assuming and judging BUT THIS IS MY INTERNAL FANTASY SHOUT SO I GET TO! AND I'LL BET SOME OF THAT RINGS TRUE ANYWAY! oh, and yes HERE'S ANOTHER ONE:  one day you might even be buying a bra here! IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND! yeah that's right! a bra! and maybe even PANTIES! in the same place you buy garbage cans and motor oil! IT CHANGES HONEY! and it may not be sexy but it's REAL! and sometimes that's even BETTER! because you finally get to let out that breath you didn't know you were holding! AND THAT'S WHY MY STOMACH ISN'T AS FLAT AS YOURS! IT'S CALLED BREATHING! i'm finally breathing! well and i should be doing more pilates but that's neither here nor there right now missy because this is about you! and my advice to you is to just ROLL WITH IT! EMBRACE IT! because if you don't there's a greater than average chance you could end up SUPER UNHAPPY! and for god's sake i hope you're wearing SUN SCREEN WHENEVER YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE EVEN ON OVERCAST DAYS BECAUSE YOU HAVE GORGEOUS FLAWLESS SKIN!

we finish our shopping and are heading across the parking lot to the car.

'did you see that girl?'

'what girl?'

'the really pretty one. with her boyfriend. she was like everywhere we were.'

'huh. i didn't see her.'

of course he didn't see her. because he's the most confident person i know. who literally could not care less what other people think of him. what they see when they see him. he's content. he's got a few hours with his wife. the day is fine. he solved the vexing shoes in the entry way problem with the cheap crappy bench. he's got a half checked off list (if you're an aquarius this is a lot like winning the lottery. a whole checked off list never happens because if you're an aquarius you keep adding to the list...so a half checked off list = golden.) he's a happy camper. today and most days. if i didn't love him so much i'd probably be really annoyed by that.

'she was all over the place and i swear she was looking at me and glimpsing some kind of future and she wasn't pleased. didn't like what she saw.'

the cart is heavy but he takes one hand off the handle and puts it around my shoulders. he easily steers the heavy cart with the remaining hand. he kisses me and says

'she should be so lucky.'

x.

13 comments:

Maggie May said...

This is so awesome to read I'm going to read it again. If you wrote about marriage every day I'd read it every day. I eat up descriptions of married life like candy. Like kale. I'm adding this to my People In Your Neighborhood links over the weekend on Flux. xo

Jennifer Marin said...

x, you are one of my heros <3

Jenna Carodiskey-Wiebe said...

Oh, everyone who thinks marriage is all champagne and roses should read this.

Anonymous said...

Dude Xlc...you made me cry. I LOVE this. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,
wannabe

Anonymous said...

Omg... I'm still laughing. This is so real, so how perceptions are, and change. Wonderful, really Wonderful piece.

Sandi said...

Loved it!Real life. (Although my husband almost never shops with me!)

Anonymous said...

Made me laugh and cry. I love you!

x. said...

thank you all for such lovely comments. it means the world. and maggie may, what can i say. coming from you that is an honor, and thank you!

x.

Fern said...

Feline Pine kitty litter can be flushed down the toilet. Now that is sexy.

Lone Star Ma said...

Wonderful.

lesliesholly said...

Oh, this is so real. Thanks for the laughs AND for the tearing up at the end. :-)

Leslie said...

Oh god, this was great. We have Home Depot dates... Starbucks and a couple hours wandering around HD fantasizing about all the projects we'll never get to. Couldn't have made me to that at twenty if you'd had a gun to my head. My, how things change.

Shelbey said...

I'm a little late to the party, but I just had to comment that this is HILARIOUS! I was dying laughing here at work. Oh how true this is. :)