Friday, April 06, 2012

wherein the universe calls me a jackass and tells me to knock it off.




so i lost this ring. last night. while i was on the phone with my sister. in between the kitchen where i was taking it off and the dining room where i was going to put it down. on the eve of the full moon.

it's a face carved into a found antler. it very much looks like a full moon face. surrounded by silver. 

i've been wearing that ring every single day for nearly 15 years. my sister and the goddess mother gave me that ring when the duke was born. i love that ring. everyone who sees that ring loves it. i am constantly being asked about it.

and i lost. it.

it literally vanished. one minute i was taking it along with my watch and my wedding ring off to set them down to make dinner and the next minute it was gone. i searched for it everywhere. it wasn't anywhere. it was getting loose on the finger i wear it on so i entertained that it *could* have dropped somewhere when we were out running errands BUT i would have heard, it's big. i would have heard it drop. AND i felt it as i was taking it off.

i was devastated.

i did the thing you do where you say aloud well okay. i know everything has a reason and i was talking to the person who gave it to me on the eve of the full moon which it resembles and maybe it was just time to let it go instead of losing it in a far less 'meaningful' way.

i decided i would just be 'fine' with it. you know, accept it without a buncha weirdness. loss, it seems to be the theme, maybe this is just part of it and i need to just accept it.

so i went up stairs. and i sat on the bed and i started to cry. because i don't want to accept it. i don't want it to be gone. and i said, out loud:

universe, i don't know what kind of lesson you're trying to teach me. but i've already lost so much and i'm dealing with it and how much do you need to take from me? is there something i'm missing here? something i'm not getting? because i don't want to let anything else go. I AM DONE LETTING THINGS GO. stop taking from me! i got it!

and then i got up and yanked open the drawer to get my pajamas and i pulled out the jeans i took off earlier and stuffed in the drawer. i tossed them in the corner with the dirty clothes and there was my ring. jumping from the jeans, falling to the ground. it made a loud sound. i KNEW i would hear it if it had fallen!

so basically the whole night of running errands, etc. i wasn't even WEARING the fucker. and when i was taking it off in the kitchen i didn't even HAVE IT ON. it was just rote. it was just what i always had done, watch, ring, wedding ring in that order.

so i put it on and i sat on the bed and then i heard it:

there's your ring, you jackass. i had NOTHING to do with it. YOU took those jeans off in hurried vanity and changed into your other ones because YOU didn't like the way they made your ass look. why do you need your ass on display at whole foods to buy chicken? really? and YOU stuffed your jeans into your drawer like a 10 year old instead of tossing them in the wash. in doing all of that your ring came off. i didn't take it to teach you a lesson. so knock it off. give it just a minute would you? quit making life more difficult than you need. quit adding to it with your own issues. contrary to what you believe, i don't just work for YOU. so you need a lesson? well then the lesson was THAT. that and maybe you better think about putting that ring on a different finger. ever thought of that?

so.

x.

3 comments:

Wendy said...

You're SO not a jackass.

Jenna Carodiskey-Wiebe said...

Word. Not a jack ass. And don't we all need that occasional "It's not about you" reminder?

x. said...

thanks, mamas! y'all are sweet. i think the universe was trying to make a point. POINT TAKEN. and yes, jenna, i agree. we do need those occasional reminders!