your moment(s) of zen.

i have never had a good nights sleep. in my life. that might be a slight exaggeration, but when i say slight...i mean minuscule. tiny. i'm sure i have, maybe, it's just that my sleep is so often nearly every night disrupted by my dreams. which are intense and demanding, often scary and terrifying, sometimes funny. and sometimes i get to have sex. but RARELY. especially RARELY with people i would ever choose. on those occasions i am ALWAYS interrupted by the cats. or the 3 am thoughts.

apparently i feel STRONGLY about dream sex. who knew.

i live a parallel life in my dreams. i have all 5 senses, i taste i touch i feel i smell i see...all of it. and i am active. i run i jump i cook i cry i handle weapons and herd cats. literally. that's one of my two stress dreams, the herding of cats.

i have been every imaginable person and sometimes i am me. and sometimes i know i'm dreaming and sometimes i don't. sometimes i can pull myself out and sometimes i can't. and sometimes i ache to stay. not for good, just for longer.

i wake up completely exhausted nearly every morning. sometimes i'm scared or panicked or happy or perplexed...sometimes i'm unbelievably sad. but, mostly, i'm exhausted. completely wiped before the day has even begun. well, the waking day that is.

and i've often noticed bruises i cannot explain. and once i woke up after a dream about caring for barnyard animals with a rash on my face. true story.

but it doesn't keep me from lying down. i love to sleep. sleeping is my favorite. it's the dreaming that gets me. the sleeping is heaven on earth. even when i was a baby. especially as a depressed teen. and good lord after having children i cannot believe i squandered my early adulthood sleep on staying up to drink and dance and canoodle the night away and THEN went to a 5 am barista job. what a jackass. i'll spend forever trying to make that shit up.

but my absolute favorite part of sleeping is that moment right after the loss of understandable tangible consciousness and right before actual full on sleep. it's so brief and fleeting, but it's unmistakable in its purity. i can get it most nights, but not all. just knowing it exists is sometimes enough. a beautiful quiet clean slate.

that moment represents all that is right in this world. devoid of pleasure or pain, it's weightless and floaty, but not drifting. like an exquisite hovering. being. in its purest form.

i don't do drugs but i can imagine this is what people seek. this one moment. hoping against hope that it lasts longer. just a little longer. just one more minute.

anyway, if that moment had a soundtrack it would be this song. and i say that because i dreamed about that moment last night. and this was the song that was playing at the time. so for your exquisite listening pleasure i bring you this installment of your moment(s) of zen.

sweet dreams.

x.