why i quit googling eye creams and started searching for thigh high boots.

i'm going to be 40. soon.

and while this doesn't particularly fill me with dread or excitement, it's a fact. even so, the idea of turning 40 does give a gal pause, you know, just because. it could be that all my life growing up i saw those black 'over the hill' balloons with the number 40 on them, or the buttons that said 'i'd rather be pregnant than 40,' you know...shit like that.

oh, and the other day on the phone a friend said, 'wait. YOU'RE going to be 40?' 'um, dude. you're older than me.' 'i know, but YOU being 40 is just weird.'

but now that i'm actually going to BE 40 much sooner than later it's really becoming not a thing at all. (especially since inside i still feel 17.) and especially since i'm on a certain social networking site and keep seeing friends turn 40. and, judging from the photos and status updates no one's combusted yet, either from age or birthday induced alcohol consumption. so i'm guessing it's going to be a-okay. (note to self; LOTS of water. start now.)

BUT

there was a bit of time not too long ago i was googling eye creams. it's all fun and games until you start to google the eye creams. it's like an admission of...something. like you've grabbed the baton in front of a screaming crowd. you're in this and there's no going back. like sex. or drinking. because you're gonna stop once you do it once or twice? i don't think so.

and i don't know what triggered it, i think just the birthday coming up. the *idea* of 40 more than the reality. and so here i was googling these eye creams and really getting into it. and freaking out over which one was *actually* the best. i think i freaked out less choosing a name for wingman than i did trying to decide on which eye creams might make the top 5. (and i called that kid 'agamemnon' for THREE DAYS before we decided on his name.)

and then remembering all the articles i've ever read that said wiping cheap imported lard or somesuch on your face did the same amount of good as a 100 dollar eye cream (i may be paraphrasing here).

and then wracking my brain trying to remember the last place i saw lard for sale. on sale, of course.

and as i sat there i started to actually feel older than even my birth certificate says i am slated to be. because when you're on the eye cream sites there's LOTS of ways to navigate over to other stuff. all of them saying it's NEVER too late to start. or START NOW before it's TOO LATE. fine lines! wrinkles! and not just on your face! i tell you, trolling anti-aging sites is not for the weak.

so i got all worried. then i got all pissed. there i was, googling something i don't really need because i thought it *must be time.* so what if i started the eye creams before my 40th birthday? what would that accomplish? i mean i don't really even *have* an issue with my eyes. i actually think they look pretty good. i just figured eye cream can't hurt. right?

and if i start with the eye cream do i have to start with the other stuff? start dying my hair? i mean the slippery slope is paved with all kinds of good intentions. and apparently, retinol. but it's still a slope. and slippery. and where does it end? because i'm just not into the maintenance. but moreover i just don't see the connection between this stuff and beauty. real beauty.

(insert How do any of us make it out alive? here)

besides, if it's like rod stewart says then the morning sun is just gonna show my age anyway. you think maggie may wasn't using eye cream? with a college aged boyfriend? ha!

so i thought about what *i* think beauty is. real beauty. not for everyone else (because to each their own), or for the magazines, or the advertisers, but for me. and all i could come up with is that i feel the most beautiful when i'm happy. like really happy. like hanging out and shooting the shit and laughing with friends. and really i just couldn't for the life of me equate the eventual suppression of laugh lines around my eyes with happiness. and by default, beauty.

so i thought about my 40th birthday. and i thought about what would make me really happy.

and that's when i clicked out of the eye cream sites and started looking for (and found) 4 1/2 inch heeled black thigh high boots. to wear on or around my birthday. there is a word for boots like this. and it's completely inappropriate. so i will employ the ladylike personality that knocks about my person waiting for occasions such as this and not mention it here. but these are happy making boots. and they are awesome.

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

guillaume apollinaire must have been talking about these boots when he said that.

there's really not much more to say than that. life has a funny way of marching on. and whether you're slathering on cheap imported lard or actual eye creams or wearing 4 1/2 inch heeled black thigh high boots there's all kinds of ways to keep in step.

you just have to find your happy. to define your own beauty.

and it's NEVER too late to start that.

x.