happy friday!

in the car the other day the following conversation took place between the lord of the ring and myself...i was chewing gum and being snarky and the lord of the ring said

"i am of the firm belief that chewing gum changes one's personality"

"yeah, how so?"

"it makes them cocky and aggressive"

"good lord it's not vodka"

so it's friday which means doughnuts...only this morning the new rule made by the lord of the ring is that if you want friday morning doughnuts you have to actually go on the doughnut run...

this rule was made for the duke who's made a friday morning habit of placing an order for a doughnut and then sitting around watching thirteen year old quiz shows on t.v. waiting for the doughnut to arrive...

so even after the new rule he said he didn't want to go and that he didn't care about getting a doughnut...which i know is a lie, he does care or will when wingman comes home with a ring of maple frosting around his mouth...

but for some reason lately the duke has decided to be contrary about nearly every facet of his life so missing out on the doughnut and pretending it doesn't bug him seems par for the course...

and come to think of it, that kid chews a lot of gum...good lord, it's going to be a long adolescence...

meanwhile as the lord of the ring and wingman were leaving i heard wingman say

"let's get the duke a maple bar"

"i'm not getting him anything...if you don't come you don't get a doughnut"

"then i'll get him something"

little sweetie...the duke bugs the shit out of him daily in the most annoying ways possible but wingman still doesn't want him to miss out on a doughnut...

he's either just another adoring little brother or he's on a campaign to fatten his brother up...then when he finally gets the chance to beat the shit out of him for all those years of big brother torture the duke won't be so bony and angular...which i hear can he hard on the fist...

anyhow, moving right along you will be happy to know the tree is gone and the lilacs are fine...one branch got broken but for the most part all is well...

so once again my irrational freak-out was all for naught...but hey, there's something to be said for consistancy...

and now there is a cup of coffee a book and a seat at the picnic table outside with my name on them...

enjoy your friday...

x.

if a tree falls on your lilac bush and your husband is in the room he DOES hear about it!

okay so maybe it wasn't the whole tree...

see we have this big old dead maple with the center completely rotted out tree that serves no purpose other than as a highway for the squirrels who live in our attic and to give me heart attacks during wind storms...

so we have had it on the books to get it removed for some time now...so we hired our wood guy to do it one weekend and he said sure!...

that was in january...

and just like out of a "i bought a house in tuscany and you wouldn't believe how things get done here it's harrowing and yet charming and hopefully it will be made into a movie!!" memoir he shows up this morning out of the blue with two trucks and three guys and a chainsaw...

i was in the living room giving the duke his spelling test when i heard

whump!

i called to the lord of the ring who was at the kitchen table

"wow, was that the tree?"

"naw, but a pretty big branch!"

"wow, where did it land?"

"on one of the lilac bushes"

i thought he was kidding because he said it so casually and he knows how i feel about the lilacs...pretty much we bought the lilacs and the hundred year old house just happened to come with them...

emotional house purchasing is a lot like emotional eating, only way more expensive...

i raced to the window and i literally felt the wind go out and i couldn't speak...i know it looks worse than it will turn out to be...but right now i just feel sad and sick...and i'm sure the lord of the ring is keeping out of my way because OF COURSE somehow in the grand scheme of things that started with adam and eve and the apple, i *sort of* made *verbal intimations* that this was all somehow his fault...

it's not really, OF COURSE...but when i'm upset and fearful i am irrational and i'm snarky and i'm bitchy...okay, let's be honest, i'm like that as a normal course...so you can only imagine what it's like when something really happens!

all this directed towards the sweet man who looked at me yesterday and said "i married you the moment i met you"

really, it was meant as a compliment...

poor guy.

that tree could take us all out, house and all if it came down wrong...i know that...it needs to go...in the meantime i should go because i don't think i can take it...

i'll let you know what survives...and i promise no matter what to not blame the lord of the ring and that he will be among the surviving...

x.

happy birthday to the duke!!!

today the duke of fun turns 9!

which means he started getting up at 4:30 am scouting out gifts and getting ready for the day...

yawn...

one clock radio a subscription to sports illustrated for kids and a pack of baseball cards later he's as happy as a clam...

he's been wanting a clock radio forever...it's such a funny thing...but i totally remember when i got a clock radio as a kid and i took it with me when i left home...and amazingly i just replaced it last year with a new one!

anyhow, the prize gift after all that is he gets to go to the video arcade in the big city with his papa this morning and play to his heart's content...the kid is practically vibrating with excitement...

and for dinner he's requested pancakes pickles and watermelon...good lord have you ever noticed pregnant women and nine year old boys have the same taste in food?...

enjoy your day and i'll give him a little birthday squeeze from y'all...

x.

she is risen...

well, that was fun...since i left you last i have been as sick as a dog...a really really sick dog...fever, throat, lungs, stomach...you name it it hurt...

at one point i was so sick i just cried...but i am getting better...slowly, but getting there...

i still sound like harvey fierstein after a carton of cigarettes, but normally so does my grandma billie for that matter so that's just a family thing i guess...

besides the pitiful crying jags, the worst part is the coughing...

oh. my. god.

i mean if it was that awful wet old hacking up bits of lung cough i could deal with it...at least it would be getting me somewhere...you know, productive in a disgusting plague-like but mildly reassuring way...

but no...no, this is that intermittent throat tearing shallow dry cough that makes my head explode in pain...not productive at all...unless you count the pee it produces...because after two big old babies shacking up and then moving out the nether regions some muscles aren't quite up to the challenge of the sustained cough...

anyhow, moving right along...hopefully another few days and i'll be up to snuff...in the meantime the duke is headed where i was so i'm trying to keep him from total annihilation...

the lord of the ring in the meantime has been babying the beast trying to coax her back into life...it seems my truck has decided it has a sticky choke or something like that...i don't know i wasn't really listening as i was too busy fighting for my life and trying not to pee my pants...

anyway, so because often our life is kept so *interesting* with the ever presence of bad timing, it turns out he had just taken his car in for some suspension work and then bam! the beast goes belly up it's a holiday weekend...

i don't know what he did but he did it in the rain and i am hearing signs of life out front...my man...

maybe my truck and i have some symbiotic bond or something like that...like i go down and so does the beast...i just hope it doesn't extend too far...at some point the beast is gonna need a little rear end work and i don't want to have any part of that!...buh dump bump...

ah see, even slightly back from the brink of death and i can still be funny...it's a gift from god i tell ya...not as good as the gift of not peeing when you cough, but hey, you take what you can get and learn to cross your legs extra tight...

'course if i had done that in the first place i wouldn't be peeing when i coughed...

x.

the logic stage...

"mama, i didn't hit him i just pushed him in the face with my fist!"

a string of this kind of logic coupled with a cruddy throat thingy and i think i just may be done for for the next few...

i shall return, hopefully sans a certain boybarian if i can get the damn gypsies on the phone...

wish me luck...

better yet, perhaps it's the duke you should be wishing that luck to...

x.