so we get to the airport early on monday morning...
they tell you to be there two hours before your flight...but then don't open the check-in counter until an hour before your flight...
okay...thanks for that, i could really have used that extra hour to sleep, but whatever...
so i wait in line for an hour for the counter to open, check my bags and head to security...
as we are in line for the security check the guy who checks boarding passes and i.d.'s lets me know that wingman and i have been "red flagged" by security as "a risk"...
i look at him like he is insane...
"um, my son is three years old...how could he possibly be flagged by security?"
"i'm sorry ma'am, i'm not privy to that kind of information...could you step over here please"
"but i have two sons...why is it only one of them is flagged?"
"ma'am, could you step out of the line over here please"
meanwhile as he is ushering us out of line he loudly shouts to the security detail at the front
"we have two red flags here!...two red flags!"
thanks buddy...i can feel all of the necks craning to get a better look at the would be terrorists...i am sure they are bummed that it isn't someone more exotic and dangerous looking...just a slightly plump irritated looking woman with two small kids...oooh, better clutch your carry on a bit tighter to your body and hope we aren't on your plane!...
basically this means that we are sent to a little glass enclosed room next to the carry on x-ray checker thing and get patted down, frisked, wanded (that wand thing they beep over your body) and questioned...
meanwhile, no less than five security agents completely dismantle all of our carry ons, including the duke's...who again, is oddly enough not flagged by security...just me and wingman...but because he is with us in the room (i couldn't leave him outside the room like they wanted me to) his stuff is gone through too...
we get in the room and the agent says "just take a seat and relax"
i look at her and say
"right...what an excellent idea...say, any tips on how that's possible?"
she gives me a weak smile...probably because she knows that i know i am prohibited by law of saying anything truly nasty to her...and probably because she must be more than slightly embarrassed by the fact that she will now have to question and frisk a three year old...
by now my shoes have been taken, i'm down to pants and a shirt in a freezing airport, my sons and i are being treated with suspicion, and all my stuff is on a table completely being gone through...and, because of this, i may miss my flight...i'm relaxed alright...
so then she questions with the standard questions about where i am going, etc...meanwhile, EVERYBODY on the security staff going through our stuff did seem duly embarrassed about the situation...you know, going through two kid's backpacks, rifling through the captain underpants activity book for secret documents outlining elaborate attack plots, checking in the philadelphia chickens coloring crayon box for weapons, rifling through a child's wallet perhaps to find evidence in the form of large unmarked foreign bills...oh, and the fact that wingman is THREE AND ALL!!...
but once you are flagged, that's it...they have to take you through the whole procedure...i am very obviously pissed and cannot seem to answer any of the questions without complete irritation...
"would you prefer a male agent to come in and pat down your son?"
"actually, i would prefer NO agent come in and pat down my THREE YEAR OLD SON...but since i obviously don't have a choice in the matter you are welcome to do it"
meanwhile she's got her hands on my breasts (i am not wearing a bra due to the rash i had...in hindsight, this was a bad decision...but it's too late now) and is asking me to roll down the waistband of my pants...
the duke is looking at the both of us like we're insane...
then she has wingman spread his legs and she actually honest to god pats him down!!!...everywhere!!!(of course, the duke thinks this is great fun and wants her to pat him down too!)
and then she questions wingman!!!
okay, so she doesn't shine a light on him or anything, but she asks where we are going and his favorite color...i know, so she wasn't "questioning" him, just trying to be nice but it doesn't wash with me...i have decided to be pissed and i was holding on to that for all it was worth...
and it doesn't help that now that the duke is in on the "fun", this seems like a big adventure...
and because i want him to feel comfortable, even if i don't, i have to validate this...so as he smiles at me i am forced to smile back with a "yeah, sure, this is fun!" smile...i am not amused by this turn of events...
when all is said and done and we are excused from the room and can get our stuff everybody is being overly cheerful to us...
"hey there sport, is this your backpack, you can put it on now!"
gee thanks, after i PACK IT BACK UP FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS MORNING!!!
"ma'am we're all set you're welcome to pack your stuff back up"
"i certainly hope it doesn't take me as long to pack it up this time as it took me THE FIRST TIME I DID IT!"
i know i'm being childish, but i don't care...fuck them and their goddamned security...i am a woman traveling with two small children three thousand miles from home that is most certainly going to miss her flight if i don't repack three crayons and a purse and gather up three jackets, three pairs of gloves, three scarves and three hats not to mention wrestle two kids back into shoes and run to the farthest mother fuckin' gate in the place!...
i was up at 12 am, traveled through two hours of snow, and had two more hours of waiting at this airport...i am sweaty and pissed i have been interrupted and felt up and embarrassed and had to watch as someone PATTED DOWN MY THREE YEAR OLD SON!...and it's not even six am!!!
i am packing up my stuff refusing to chit chat with any of the five people trying to be nice to me as i try to shove everything back into wherever it will fit...
did i mention i was JUST getting over that head to toe rash as well...
so they are all standing there, embarrassed and smiling at me and i am packing my purse and trying to keep track of the boybarians and our stuff as i am just right there in the same line and using the same table as everybody else who didn't get felt up and everybody is rushing by us grabbing their stuff coming off the x-ray machine bumping into me and the boys and pissed that WE are in THEIR way because they are all just trying to get to their flights...
i snap...
i am packing my purse and grab my benedryl and two tubes of anti-itch cream and look at the woman who i saw going through my purse...
"i notice you aren't wearing gloves"
"no ma'am we don't often wear gloves when conducting a search"
"well that's a shame as i'm just getting over a three day head to toe rash of unknown origin...the doctors believe it's probably contagious (lie)...i certainly hope you don't get anything like that after touching all of my medication and personal items...it itched like holy hell and was not pretty...you know, raised welts, blisters where my clothing touched too tightly, swelling, lots of itching in places you'd rather not be itching in...(unfortunately, not a lie)"
i scooped up the jackets and my shoved together purse and pushed the boybarians ahead of me and we ran like hell to the other end of the airport just in time for boarding...
and the only reason we made it was because the plane was being de-iced and as a result, boarding was delayed by fifteen minutes...
i could have been more polite...i could have been more accommodating...and really, i usually am...i count on security to keep me and my family and my country safe...but really, come on...is patting down a three year old really what homeland security is all about?...
sadly, i am sure more than a few people have used their children for all manner of illegal and dangerous activities..certainly in hindsight i can be a bit more objective...but at the time, it was impossible given the circumstances...
this could be the makings of me turning into one of those people who refuses to travel more than ten minutes away from home...i can see it all now...i'll watch travel shows and buy stuff from the shopping channel and feel as though i am seeing all there is to see in life...without ever having to leave the house...
but, it's done...we are home...and really, i guess that's all that matters...and one day, it might even seem funny...and, like i said...even though i am still pissed, i can be more objective about it now...this world is changing daily...and sadly not for the better i'm afraid...i'm surprised it wasn't worse and hasn't happened more often...
honestly though, now that i really think about it?...i have to say, i have always thought there was something a bit shifty about wingman...
x.
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