wedded bliss sillymortalstyle.

on the way camping, as we are exiting the freeway on our way to the second of our ferry rides for the day we passed a building right there practically on the off ramp...the lord of the ring says

"hey, we've eaten there before"

"god i hope not"

"what? i don't think it was all that great, but we've definitely been there before"

"oh, i'm fairly certain i would remember eating somewhere called the 'cocusa motel and restaurant'"

"well, we did you ju-...oh, yeah, it wasn't you"

see, i know i have a bad memory...but maybe, just maybe, occasionally it's a convenient excuse for others just not wanting to remember their own sordid or boring or not worth mentioning pasts...

or maybe he just honestly mixed me up with the perpetually stoned addicted to long drives and antique shopping trustafarian millionaire ex-girlfriend...

it certainly beats the time he accidentally called me "sherzy"...which is not even a real word or thing and as near as i can tell was an amalgamation of the names of two old girlfriends and mine...

but i really have no room to kvetch because as soon as they catch up with it and put two and two together the lord of the ring will be paying my ex-husband's nearly 15 year old tax bill.

x.

wednesday.

we went camping and came back...the pet sitter came and went and it worked out fabulously...

we're back in the swing of school and starting the rest of our subjects next week...

we start up piano again today and art lessons next month...

homeschooling two kids is somewhat of a scheduling challenge...the duke is doing a LOT more outlining and writing this year, and using more independent sources as opposed to one set text for a lot of his subjects...this means a bit more advanced planning on my part re: actual lessons and probably more hand holding than i'm used to re: the writing part...

wingman's work is fairly set, but a lot of it needs me sitting beside him...at least in the beginning, he'll get into more of an independent routine as we go on...

all in all it's been a great start and i have a good feeling about this year...

moving right along last night the duke asked us what perverted meant...good lord can i tell you i am SO NOT READY for my children to age...i'm not prepared for the squeamish, grisly bits...

anyhow we asked where did you hear that, he said camp (earlier in the summer) and we tried to explain it to him the best, most efficient, straightforward way...

i am utterly certain he's more confused than ever.

then he said that he had asked his counselor what it meant his counselor said "that is an inappropriate question".

oh my god i was pissed!...don't tell a child a question is inappropriate!

sure, i can see where it would be dicey for the counselor and he could say something like it would inappropriate for him to answer that...or it would be more appropriate to ask your parents or something like that...

good lord the counselor's what, like 19? i know he probably doesn't know any better but that really pissed me off!...it's part of his job to know better!

enough that i'm writing a letter to the camp director...kids shouldn't be shut down like that...questions should never be labeled...and that should just be common knowledge for those working with kids...

and furthermore, if the duke or any camper is asking what perverted means it should be the counselors job to get to the bottom of why the camper is asking...even if he chose not to define it, he should make it his business to get to the bottom of why it was being asked in the first place...

in this case the duke said some kids in his cabin said another kid was perverted, but he didn't know why...

so i'll send an e-mail, a very nice and diplomatic one, if only to make me feel better...i know lots of kids deal with worse, and to some it wouldn't be a big deal...and it's not a big deal, but something i think needs to be addressed...

i don't want any kid coddled, mine or otherwise...but a kid should never be discouraged from asking a question or trying to get more information...that's just a slippery slope all the way around...

all right moving right along, apparently wingman found the fingerless gloves and is wearing them paired with too small shorts and camouflaged socks pulled to his knees.

he's announcing he's ready for school.

yeah.

time to go.

x.

slightly worn and used in that been around 36 years and bothered by humanity for most it kinda way.

so i was trolling an online site for a new/used desk.

i can't say why people continue to amaze me...but they do.

end table-$20

It is very burly and attractive for the family room.

because i like my home furnishings like i like my men, burly and attractive.

and along the same vein

white metal cabinet-$25

It has been referred to as both handsome and adorable.

by the way, both pieces, sold by different people, were equally ugly...and both people obviously are straddling that fine line between describing the things that want to sell and anthropomorphising their furniture...

maybe those ads are in the wrong spot...if you know what i mean.

moving right along...

MOVING SALE-ALL FURNITURE FROM IKEA-MINT CONDITION!

yeah. okay, so even new furniture from ikea can barely be called mint.

oh don't get all defensive!...my future bookshelves are all coming from ikea!...i'm just sayin' is all!

an ad for an ugly coffee table with some odd attached basket had the following in its text

My fiancee's stupid cat did use it as a scratching post once or twice.

by the looks of the gouges either the "cat" is actually a lion, or it was more than "once or twice"...

and i'm no psychologist, but "my fiancees stupid cat" doesn't bode well one of the parties involved...and let's just say the cat probably has nothing to worry about.

staying in the table department

table-$40

I'm not sure what kind of table this is, but it fits nicely next to my couch.

well, for starters, between you and me, it's an "ugly" kind of table...and what a weird description..."i don't remember his name, but we looked cute at the prom"...sure lady, it fits nicely next to your couch, but what about my couch, huh!...did you ever think of that!

i don't think she really wants to sell the ugly table...her fiancee probably wants her to.

green dresser-$75

nice deep droors

i don't even want to know.

and one of my absolute favorites

7 Foot Sofa-$100

Very comfortable and easy to get up from.

there's just. too. much. to work with here...this must be what stephen colbert feels like on a daily basis.

okay so i should be getting ready for camping and not sitting here making fun of people and their ugly furniture and weird descriptions.

it does make me wonder what the personals section looks like though.

on second thought, um, no it doesn't.

shudder.

x.

the kitty post.

okay, so i generally hesitate to write about my kitties because it's just a whole 'nother level of crazy.

and let's face it, no one cares about your cats. no one. except you.

at least people have to pretend to care about your kids.

not so with cats...and if you expect them to on a regular daily basis then you should really see someone about that...because they don't...and you can't make them.

but here's the deal...when you have six cats and you ever want to leave town you are going to have to pay someone to come in and care for them.

so that's what i'm in the middle of.

actually talking to perfect strangers on the phone negotiating a situation whereby i give them the key to my home and they come and go twice a day as they please.

they also scoop the poop and clean up the under the desk nightmares left by the incredibly high maintenance little black kitten and feed them and water them and pet them.

BUT, they have a key to my house.

and i'm not there!

for days on end!

that's just nuts!

oh, and i pay them too...

good lord.

anyhow, i know there are good people out there i know there are...there are...i've heard tale a time or two...

it's just that i operate comfortably on a level of jaded cynicalness so i think the worst and hope for the best...

but mostly think the worst.

and sure they're all licensed and bonded and all that but what does that really mean?

when the meth addict cousin (oh you KNOW there's a chance he exists!) and his scabies infested common law wife and their tribe of hopped up on mountain dew and pop rocks kids get a hold of that key what does licensed and bonded really mean?

seems like a high price to pay just so i can battle the mosquitoes, eat lukewarm food by crappy lantern light, and sleep on the ground.

but i'm a big girl. i'm open to change. to trust.

sure.

x.

and she's off.

so i finally ventured out of the house with my laptop in tow...in my spanking brand new laptop backpack...i felt a bit like back to school with sillymortalmama!...but out i went...

and let me tell you, there is a whole big ol' exciting world out there!

not where i was, mind you, but somewhere! i'm almost certain of it!

see, where i went the coffee guy, some teenager, affected a british accent the. entire. time. i. was. there.

OMG!...yes, i just used txtspeak, but OMG!

it's bad enough when my kids do it, but when it's a perfect stranger?...he's got to be related to the boss or the boss doesn't care...which is far worse...lord, people are strange.

then, someone came in with a whole passel of kids...loud, whiny, crying kids and she was trying to reason with every single one of them...good god...she couldn't have been the mom...or else she is and she's fucked...

regardless, it was a very boisterous ten minutes...

then some woman tripped right outside the window i was sitting next to and the ambulance came all loud and sireny and a crowd formed...a loud, view blocking, light snuffing crowd...(she was fine)

the seats were too low, the tables too high, the cups were too small and lent to easy spillage, and i swear to god the guy behind me was reading my screen...

BUT, despite it all, i wrote more in one hour than i have since before wingman was born...

i daresay, good stuff too...and yes, i am being immodest but i don't care...it took me so long to get here and to know i'm not a complete hack is a good feeling...

so, i'm on my way.

to what i don't know...but it's good to have started.

x.

the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

wingman is just like his father.

in many ways, actually.

and in one way in particular.

yesterday morning wingman said

"i had one of those bright red apples with my breakfast"

"oh, i thought you didn't care for them?"

"no, i like them"

"but, you said yesterday they didn't taste very good?"

"i just can't stop eating them!"

and there you have it.

for the lord of the ring it was a leopard print cat suit and heels and the next thing you know he's squiring her around europe and paying for it, and for wingman it's a waxed within an inch of its life chemically enhanced deep red skin and the next thing you know he's chomping tasteless apples and liking them.

temptation my ass.

eve knew exactly what she was doing and the snake was just the fall guy.

and then there's adam.

poor sot never knew what hit him.

x.

let's hope he remembers this little lesson when he's dating.

so wingman likes apples...we all do...all kinds of apples.

except for red delicious.

which are about as "delicious" as cardboard.

and because the goddess mother works as a small press hard cider maker we have a whole expanded outlook and appreciation of the apples available in this world...

and living where we do we have a lot of varieties to choose from...plus all the imports at our great market...i know, not local but available when others aren't, so there you have it...

in short, we do not buy or eat red delicious.

except the other day we were at the store and wingman's eye caught a charming basket enticingly tipped right at six year old eye level filled to the brim with ultra shiny and gleaming red delicious apples...and in that just right for a six year old's palm size...

and a sweet hand lettered sign that said crispy & sweet!

he was a goner...snow white never had it so bad.

"mama, let's get some red delicious apples"

"oh honey, remember there are other apples we like way better"

"i know, but they look sooo good...c'mon"

i know, it's all wax and lighting with these apples but he's hooked and there's a lesson here that won't involve sugar cereal, so there you have it...

"well, you're right, they do look good...if you're sure you may get a few"

"can i eat one on the way home?"

"sure, just wipe it real good on your shirt"

i know, not doing a bit of good in the cleaning department given the amount of wax and pesticides and handling but it makes me feel better and i figure he won't die, so there you have it...

so his little eyes are all lit up and he chooses four...and doesn't even say a word in the cereal aisle...

we get the groceries loaded and he's got his apple and not a minute after the first crunch i hear

"this apple isn't any good"

"oh, yeah?"

"yeah, the skin is crunchy but it has no flavor...well, it has a flavor, but it isn't very sweet...or good...and the inside is okay, but not very okay"

"well that's the deal with red delicious, they look so good but don't taste so good"

and he says with a little, slightly forlorn sigh

"yeah...it's like a trick"

indeed...and in so many more ways than your sweet little self can imagine.

and there you have it.



x.

papa don't preach.

'cuz i'm keeping my babies.

yes, at the 11th hour i called mis! and let her know i just. couldn't. do. it.

the whole family loves those kitties and i just couldn't.

so we have 6 cats.

so it could be worse.

i guess.

anyhow moving right along, i still went on my trip, and i must post a retraction of my earlier statements regarding the dining habits of mis! and the georgia peach.

i stand corrected in a delightful way.

it turns out mis! hasn't done her tiny bottle trick in some time, and the georgia peach was all too willing to dine wherever...she drew the line at offal, but i was so not in the mood for "dirty food" either so that worked out quite nicely...

AND mis! has been to all the restaurants i have been wanting to go to! AND she orders 9 dollar glasses of wine like it's nobody's business!

when you've known someone over twenty years it's easy to forget that they actually grow over time and aren't exactly as you have them stuck in your head...that they are real live grown ups capable of acting like real live grownups...

until of course you ply them with drink and steep them in the lateness of the evening and learn things about them that you might just not have wanted to know...in full and relishing detail...

/shudder.

anyhow, it was a lovely weekend filled with delicious food and drink and even more delightful company...and i got to sleep in and nobody yelled at me...

and now it's monday and back to school...and the reality that i indeed have 6 cats...cats who do love them some hunting...and have an endless supply with which to hone their skills...and open doors with which to more efficiently bring their catch to you...or to just bat it about in the kitchen for a bit.

yep, sounds just about right.

x.

is it running away if you have to bring the rental car back?

so i know i made the joke earlier in the week about running away with my laptop and my case of wine...

but as it turns out hell has actually frozen over and i'm taking a weekend trip BY MY SELF!

see, the georgia peach is visiting mis! and mis! is adopting my two kitties soooo, it was decided it would be the best idea for me to go alone with the kitties...get them settled and hang out with good friends for some much needed *me* time...

and since the tuna can is in the shop having something done to it to distract it from the fact that it's twenty years old, we are down to the beast...

i can't leave the menfolk carless out here in the middle of nowhere so i'm renting a car...

betcher glad you have all those boring and tedious details, right?

anyhow, it will be good to drive for hours on end alone...well, the kitties will be with me one way, BUT since they can't talk to me about the 6 degrees of spongebob, or baseball, or legos or foodorharrypotterorrandomtvshowsor??? they will be welcome companionship...

driving alone does something for the soul.

except if you're on highway 50, the actual loneliest road in america, and you realize that you didn't stop for gas in the actual last town before the road begins and you only have a hundred dollar bill so even if there was another car in sight, which there isn't, or a gas station which you know won't break the hundred, which there's not, you'd have to pay an awful lot of money to get someone to give you some of their gas...and that's if you're lucky enough to come across another car, which you won't...hence the aptly named "lonliest road in america".

but, i digress.

in the meantime, i've promised my older sister a birthday meal at a salvadorian restaurant that i read about in the paper...we've both been dying to go and now we have our chance...the boybarians are coming too, so we'll fold in a trip to the zoo...should be fun and i'm always happy when i get to go to a restaurant i've been wanting to try...

and from what i gather, as long as i stay away from the beef foot soup, i'm golden.

there are a bunch of places i'd like to go in the big city that houses mis!, but they're more girl/boy places...or girl/girl or boy/boy, whatever configuration you're into...romantical kinda places...

well, except the hot dog joint where he cooks outside on the charcoal grill and they only have one kinda bun and one condiment 'cuz that's all you need...but i guess with the right person that could be romantic.

they're also expensive foodie kinda places...and considering the last time i talked to the georgia peach she was eating a seven layer burrito from taco bell and mis! actually refills airplane sized bottles with hooch and takes them in her purse so she doesn't spend too much on drinks, i doubt even if we were some sort of configuration that i'd be going to any of those places with either of those ladies ever.

but hey, as long as i don't have to eat at taco bell and mis! gives me a swig off her tiny bottle, i'm good...i'm just happy to be able to spend time with my good friends.

i do think we could pop into the home of the bacon topped maple bar, though...good times.

but, before i leave you for the frivolity that is my life, i just want you to know that this is the first post from my *mobile office*...

okay, so really i'm just in the dining room rather than at my desk BUT it's a start...

gotta love technology!

even if you have to wipe up milk puddles and soggy cereal remains to be able to use it.

enjoy your weekend!

x.

idiot is as idiot does...and it doesn't skip a generation.

we'll we're closing in on the first week of school being DONE!


it feels a bit like this photo of the duke...catching a ball but you've got to do it upside down and backwards.

so in other words, despite some snags here and there, things are going well...slightly plodding at times and as a result people are learning patience...not me mind you, because i'll ever be about as patient as amy winehouse at an open bar, but other people are...

the duke hit a snag with a latin assignment...thirty five words in latin and he had to find their counterparts in english in a word search...

okay, can i just say that, yeah, that would suck!

i didn't tell him that but i do believe he shared my sentiment as illustrated by the following statement

"this is tedious and time consuming and NOT FUN!"

the good news is he managed to finish with only one more hour of pissing and moaning, but it got done...

the thing is it's easy with no peers around to piss and moan...if he were in a classroom he wouldn't be stomping around like a whiny princess...no sir...he'd either do it or not but there wouldn't be a fuss...

i'm trying to figure out how to duplicate that fear of embarrassment and an honoring of the part of the social contract that bars individuals from making an ass of themselves in front of others here...and the only thing i've come up with is keep him on constant video record and threaten him with youtube...

and speaking of bad parenting...turns out it's magazine cover "shocking" that britney spears puts soda in her babies' bottles, lets them eat cheetos, and asks the older of the two to fetch her cigarettes by saying, "baby, where are mama's lollipops?"

i grew up around people like this in the neighborhood...people have been parenting like shit forever...why is this front page news?

we teach teenagers how to drive and how to take standardized tests, they can run websites and communicate using all manner of technology...what we should fold in to all of this is a more than one school year of parenting classes...you know, the basic the nuts and bolts from diapers to nutrition...and while they'd need more than that eventually, at least it's something...anything!

because if they don't learn it sometime they aren't gonna learn it at all...

people assume being a kid is being a kid...and no matter what they grow up with or eat they will eventually make the healthy right better choice when they are older...

but it doesn't work like that...and those britneys out there should know better, just like their parents should have known better, but they don't...so how do they expect their kids will?

and kids aren't getting pregnant any older or wiser these days...so why not cut to the chase and stop pretending like it's not happening...grab the bull by the horns and say "look, if you must, then connect the dots and know that this might happen, and if this happens here are some tools"...again, it's not perfect but it's a start...

a + b = c

and like all the other math we're not teaching them, that basic equation and what to do with "c" when it arrives, as it does so often and 'accidentally', doesn't get taught either...

shit they ought to film my life for. just. one. day...then show it in high schools all over the country...like reefer madness, or that weird creepy video they used to show in driver's ed...road rash or something like that...

i could all but guarantee teen pregnancy would drop dramatically...and not just teen pregnancy, but young adult pregnancy too!...

the teens/young adults would be gettin' all carefree and frisky and then BOOM! a day in the life of sillymortalmama, that old video from high school parenting class, would start playing in their head...which would kill that bit of unprotected nonsense but good!

scared straight by the mere possibility of boybarians.

we could even see a reversal, a slowing of population growth!

maybe that video camera/youtube idea will come in handy after all...

i'm willing to take one for the team if it slows the spread of idiocy nationwide.

bottom line is we need a much better educated populous...and we're not getting it...

in fact it's quite the opposite...and, we're actually advertising that fact all over the country and the world!

brilliant.

we think america is in trouble now?...ha!

x.

day one down, 179 more to go.

school started yesterday.

wingman so far loves latin and the duke declares that his math is easy and cursive handwriting makes his hand hurt...

so all in all not a bad first start.

lest you think i am a tyrant making the wee lads start back to school in the thick of summer, we are only doing latin, math, and penmanship for august then folding in all the other subjects in september...plus, we only school 4 days a week all year, and take a week here and there when we take trips or need a break...

so all in all it all comes out in the wash.

plus, if the boybarians don't get back to a routine AND SOON, i am not naming names but someone will be running away from home...with her new laptop...and her case of wine...

in other news, we may be down to 4 cats soon...one kitty got a great home with friends of ours close enough that we can visit him...and it was a bit up in the air as to where his two brothers were going, but mis! is taking them so i'm pleased about that...

shh! don't tell anyone, but one of the pair is my absolute favorite in the world...likes to curl up on me while i read, and when i was really sick he came and slept next to me in bed all. day. long.

i will be very sad to see him go, but if he's got to go anywhere i'm glad mis! is taking him...she's a great pet mommy and i bet she'll all but chew his food for him...no, really...i wouldn't be surprised if she went all march of the penguins on them and put the food in their mouths, too...

so that leaves chico and the man, the chubby siamese, and the teeny black kitty who looks like a cross between a panther and a fruit bat and who'll handily kick your ass given half a chance...especially if you mess with her stuffed snake.

and let me tell you, it STILL would have been easier to have a baby.

without going into long and boring detail, what to feed when to feed how much to feed raw or grain free or no carb or a combo of all and then the recent pet food scares blah blah blah i came about two valium shy of making my own cat food...

of this i am not proud.

not because my kitties don't deserve the very best, but because staying up late at night pricing meat and bone grinders and where i could get the best deal on whole chicken and rabbits (shipped fresh on ice right to my door) and when i could carve out the time needed each week for the chip and grind fest and not to mention who in the sam hell would watch these 6 godforsaken cats with the cleaning and the feeding especially adding in the darling feature of the feeding them a raw diet is not something that sane people do.

among other things, it just proves i am consistent...crazy, but consistent.

but don't fret, i've come up with a good healthy feeding plan for my kitties that doesn't require me going all fargo on anything AND may just not send anyone running should we ever go anywhere ever again and need someone to feed the beasts...

so all in all we may have found a stable cat routine.

seriously i can barely get anyone over here to watch the boybarians. and they wipe their own buts and don't eat raw meat.

so far i haven't made it to my mobile office yet, but i'm working on it...i've got to get our school routine down before i start messing with it...and by "messing with it" i mean i need to get up at 6 out the door and back before 8...

yawn.

i'm tired just thinking about it.

but, apparently the great american novel comes with a price...and i imagine mediocre random musings do too...

i'll let you know which way it goes for me at 6 am.

x.


you know he'd be your favorite too.

i heart the lord of the ring.

so he's been gone since sunday morning...a business road trip to the central and northern parts of california took him away and brings him back tonight...

and while he was gone i opened the door one early morning to the ups guy and in less time than it took for the tour de france to fall apart i was the shocked and happy recipient of a brand spankin' new dell laptop!!

just his way of saying it's time for me to get serious and write.

gulp.

not only that, but we had THE most delicious wine last friday at my birthday dinner that we learned we could not get around here...not so oddly enough it came from very near where i grew up...

so he tracked down the winery on his road trip and the liquor store that sells their wine!!

without falling victim to the gush, i am a very lucky woman to have such a partner in this life...

and it's not about the gifts, because as a couple we rarely exchange gifts and thus don't put much emphasis on them...

it's about the intent behind the gift...the idea that someone knows what you need/want and works hard and puts in effort to see that you get it...

even if you yourself find every reason on earth why it's too expensive or extravagant or i'll make do with what i have or the all around and all purpose, i don't deserve it.

if you couldn't guess already, that's my favorite one...

i exist fully within a poverty mentality...and while this is practical when money is tight or non-existent, it hampers me in so many ways on a daily living breathing existing basis...

i don't need a laptop or a case of my favorite wine.

but if i want to write seriously i have to leave the house.

and that wine was damn good.

so there you have it.

and perhaps one day i will acknowledge that i do deserve it...that i am worthy of gifting no matter how large or small...

in fact this birthday i received so many wonderful things...so many wonderful wishes from people who care...i rarely get gifts, so this was sweet and unexpected...

the stainless steel, gorgeous enough to sit on my counter and has a filter, compost bucket from my dear friend rj...who knows i have wanted one and would never spend that kind of money on myself...(myself, for a household compost bucket...i'm such a cancer girl)

or the beautifully charming box of handmade chocolates from my friend the georgia peach...sent overnight from a place i would never have cause to sample from...the sweetest part a teeny tiny white chocolate mouse with a gorgeous little red satin tail...

and from the bag lady in paris, a beautiful over three foot tall statue of the virgin mary for my garden...i see her every time i look out the window and i feel safe and honored and blessed by her presence...

and the presence of all of those in my life who care so much to honor me so...

and again, it's not about the gifts...it's about the love...

it's a beautiful day out and it's the weekend...school starts monday and the pencils are sharpened and the books are waiting to be cracked...

i wish you all a wonderful weekend and the hope that you have someone who does something nice for you...

and if you don't, then i hope you do something nice for someone else...

kindness is meant to be passed along and meant to be shared.

and in that vein, i shall think of you while sipping my abundance vineyards abundantly rich red vintage 2004, and perhaps the next time we meet it will be from my "mobile office".

x.

my 2 cents.

if you can't manage your shit well enough to learn how to NOT keep drinking and driving when you can afford a driver or better yet a therapist, or be able to put on a simple pair of panties with a short dress when you know there will be photographers following your every move, or just be a complete psychotic mess when you have every resource to figure out how to figure it out then you need to try visiting some real disasters.

there are a LOT of real disasters in this world...people starving to death, children getting their limbs hacked off, natural disasters wiping out whole villages and lives.

there's a LOT out in the world that has nothing to do with you.

perfect. strap on a backpack and get to it.

i do believe angelina jolie was the one who suggested this. i'm just in agreement.

yes, you do need to pay for your crimes in the criminal justice system...but true rehabilitation only comes with the dawning awareness that you are but a speck...and that there is actually something real you can do with your time and energies and resources.

no wonder so many people around the world hate us.

we know more about the minute by minute whereabouts of an out of control starlet than we do about our own war our own country our own government local or national!...or anyone else's for that matter.

what a message. bullying incompetents running the country and asinine celebrities running the news.

x.

has it already been a year?

well, it's my birthday.

the 15th anniversary of my 21st birthday to be exact.

what is the gift for that anniversary? tin? wood? two buck chuck?

so far it's a good day...though truth be told any day one wakes up and knows where they are is automatically a good day as far as i'm concerned...

and just in time for my birthday it's raining cats and dogs out and i don't feel like doing a thing...we're supposed to go to dinner tonight, but the thought of trying to pull myself together to look presentable makes me sleepy and want to stay home with nachos and a six pack...trinny and susannah would NOT be proud...

and the reservations are for 8pm...how european.

but, we're dropping the boybarians off at the grocery store lost and found so we have the whole evening to ourselves.

and the restaurant is one i've been wanting to go to forever...and any dinner out wherein i'm not rooting in my bag for a scrap of paper and a pen or something just to get wingman distracted from the need to talk a mile a minute about everything and nothing at all at a voice pitch that could cut glass and does is a one step back from that padded cell...i'll take it.

god i love that kid but he does go on...and on...and on...shhhhhhh lower your voice!...and on and onandonandonandon please lower your voice!

and it only gets worse in confined spaces...he's been that way since he was a baby...he'd be as quiet as could be and the moment the library doors closed behind him he's at the top of his voice...

anyhow, birthdays are a convenient time for a little reflection...though i spend so much bleepin' time thinking about myself and over analyzing my every mental move that i should take a break from the *reflection* for the day...

that being said, i don't have any real goals for the year ahead...not my style...i suppose just keeping my head above water is goal enough...and i've got two kids homeschooling this year, so i guess that's the year right there...best not to introduce more into that petri dish...

speaking of the boybarians, they want to pay a visit to the new bakery in town for a birthday morning sweet...the duke gave me a big hug and kiss and said he wanted to buy me a snickers bar...wingman has made me two cards so far and said he'd like to get me a barbie for my birthday...

it's a good day.

x.

p.s. the older i get i still feel 19 inside...i'm surprised when other people don't see that...and i'm surprised when my kids listen to me like i know what i'm talking about...because i feel like a 19 year old totally full of shit.

p.p.s. happy birthday carlos santana!

can u feel the love.

me: the billing clerk at my doctor's office said my co-pay is the highest she's seen.

him: remember, we picked that co-pay so we'd have lower monthly payments.

me: well, it's a big ass co-payment.

him: okay, if we find that you're going to the doctor like all the time we'll change it.

me: if we find that i'm going to the doctor all the time you should just shoot me.

him: oh, honey, i couldn't do that.

me: i know.

him: i mean, that's illegal. i could go to jail.

me: not to mention that you'd miss me, mr. romance.

him: yeah, that. too.

x.

the dog ate my serotonin.

reasons i've been MIA: (in no particular order of importance)

suffered a bout of depression.

recovered/ing from illness.

trying and not succeeding in placing kittens in new homes.

hot and sweaty.

what i'm doing now:

i've got a head pain that's been going on over a month now.

i've got a follow up appointment today with my doctor re: my recent illness as i don't think i'm 100% back to health. bah.

we've got this week and next and then we're back to school. curriculum sorting and planning.

my birthday is on friday.

oh, and apparently i'm jewish.

but more on that later.

x.

how to end a two year long discussion with a six year old.

wingman is still on me about having a baby...

you'd think two cats and their five subsequent kittens would suffice, but i guess i grossly misjudged that!

story of my life.

so this morning we are eating breakfast and he says for about the millionth time in the past two weeks

"mama, why don't you just have another baby?"

"i don't want to have another baby"

"why?"

"because i have the two kids i want"

"but i want to be a big brother...and it could be a baby sister or a baby brother...i don't care...and then i would be in the middle!"

oy. he's obviously not gotten that memo.

"well, you know...you can be a "big cousin" to your little cousins...and that's WAAAYYY more fun, because if you're a big enough brother to a baby sister or baby brother you've got to help out a LOT"

"i would help!"

"yeah, well you'd have to hold the baby when i couldn't...and help feed the baby...and change the baby's diapers...even if they poop"

silence.

disgusted look.

"i am NOT wiping *ANYONE'S* poopy bottom"

and that was that...

and perhaps that was harsh as i sure wouldn't expect wingman to change a baby's diapers...

but i also expect i won't be hearing much about being a big brother in the future either...

x.

1,000,096 degrees of separation.

so it seems anderson cooper and i are gym buddies.

check it out, i just read somewhere a quote by rufus wainwright who just happens to go to the same gym in nyc as the coop...and he was saying something along the lines that the coop should just come out of the closet already because everyone knows he's gay and he goes to a gay gym blah blah blah...part of the quote giving him shit was

"i see him with these five pound weights....blah blah blah"

and i was like OMG *i* use five pound weights too!

it don't take much i tell ya when you're living in your head and there's zero oversight.

anyhow, schools's out for the summer...well, for july at least...we go back at the beginning of august but are all looking forward to the break...

the duke heads to camp next week and i've got some fun things planned for wingman while he's gone...

meanwhile, let's hope the duke finds his underwear and practices better foot hygiene this time around...a mother can only hope.

enjoy your friday!

x.

she is risen.

i'm alive.

after last friday's festivities the head pain just would not. go. away. so it took just one more doctor's visit, one facial x-ray, one mri with injected contrast dye, 6 percocets, and one prescription for antibiotics the size of a purse dog later to be mobile and upright...

just in time to clean the house.

and wonder how in the hell the crappy sugary breakfast cereal made it past my radar...i know i was cracked out on the hillbilly heroin upstairs, but i thought the invisible shield i had over the house would pick up the slack...

anyhow, apparently i have "sinus disease"...which sounds made up, but whatever...it comes with a cure so that's all that matters...

that and i have no more pain and 9 percocets left.

cue the banjos, jimbob.

x.

i liked it better when it was just an amusing parody band.

so i had a bit of a scare friday night.

i was drinking a glass of water, gulped a bit too fast, choked up a storm, stood up suddenly trying to get some air and POP!...

there was POP! and a tearing sensation and a flood of pain on the right side of my head...

ouch.

i was dizzy and nauseous and called the lord of the ring to come home from the store and take me to the hospital...while waiting i was literally repeating my name to myself so i wouldn't forget it...i was that freaked out...

so of course at the emergency room they have to put you through all manner of paperwork rigamaroll and extract that symbolic pint of blood and rights to your nextborn before you even get seen...

and i love it when you're in pain and you have to rate it on a scale...like from 1 to 10 what would you say your pain rates?...or, compared to the worst pain you've ever been in where does this rate?

okay.

so i'm in *enough* pain to feel it necessary come to the e.r. and suffer the interminable wait and indignities that being in the e.r. incurs, not to mention the tremendous cost, and i'm supposed to rate it?

and compare it?

how do you compare pain?...i've had migraines since i was six, the age wingman is now, i've had three tattoos, one a half a foot long on. my. spine., i've gone through a divorce from a relationship i thought i'd have forever, my grandmother died and i was unable to be there for my father, i've had two huge babies, one 9.5 lbs and one 10.5 lbs, vaginally with no pain medication and nearly died with one, i've held the hand of a friend while we watched his beloved and my dear friend die in front of us...

i'm thirty five years old...i've had a long time to suffer a lot of different pain...and here i am in pain and you're asking me to rate it?

i'm *here* in the e.r. aren't i?...that *should* be enough.

i've worked in the health care field so i understand the *sentiment* behind rating pain, but it's a whole different ball game when you're on the other side of the table...in. actual. pain.

and don't think while we waited i wasn't thinking of that poor woman who died on the emergency waiting room floor waiting to be seen...shudder.

so i finally get in to see someone and after this and that they decide i have possibly had an aneurysm...which means all manner of procedures to rule it in or out...

oh. god.

on my way to the cat scan i can't say that i thought i was going to die, but i definitely was scared...what is going to happen if i had an aneurysm?...whatever it was going to be i knew it wasn't going to be good...

so i come back from the cat scan and they want me in a gown and since i dashed out of the house still wearing my workout clothes from earlier (i knew i should have taken a shower earlier! damn!) i wasn't wearing any underwear...

but thankfully i didn't spend time in the dating trenches without coming away with a few tricks (and a couple of husbands) and i stuffed a clean pair of undies in my bag before i left the house...

as they're giving me the gown it's just the lord of the ring and me (the boybarians are outside the door) and the nurse...and i start to cry...the nurse says

"oh. are you in more pain?"

"no. it's just been a long day"

i was just sad then because i was scared and i didn't know what was up...the moment you are being handed a gown at the hospital is the moment you know you're not going to go home anytime soon...

so the doctor comes back in and decides the cat scan is ineffective and wants to do a spinal tap...it's really the *gold standard* test for this type of situation...

yes folks, a spinal tap...and lemme tell you, it is just as icky on that soul sucking level as it sounds...

but i didn't get the spinal tap before i got to endure something far worse on a far different level...

so before the spinal tap the doctor wants to deal with my pain medicinally and prep my body for the pain of the procedure...the nurse comes in with a big ol' i.v. and three tiny vials...

"this is a cocktail the doctor likes to give for head pain and relaxation...i will inject each really slowly as to try and prevent a reaction"

"oh, like what kind of reaction?"

"well, if injected too fast like you feel like you're coming out of your skin"

"well, we wouldn't want that!"

"no we wouldn't"

we chuckle...ha. ha.

guess who isn't laughing ten minutes later?

not two seconds into the administration of the anti-nausea drug portion of the cocktail i knew something was dreadfully wrong.

like the most wrong i have ever felt in my life.

and for the next twenty minutes solid i was the moaning, thrashing, keening, freaking out patient you hear in the hospital and thank GOD! you aren't next too and wonder what in the hell is wrong with her?

i was literally coming out of my skin...just as described...i couldn't get a handle on it and it was the most awful i have ever felt in. my. life.

seriously, if there had been an open window i may have jumped...it really was that awful...like you are trying to get away from your own *self*.

it finally subsided a bit enough for them to block the rest with benadryl and enough to freak the guy next to me the. fuck. out.

he was happy to get out of there i can tell you that.

so they did the spinal tap and by then i was exhausted...i could barely move...which worked out really well considering someone was messin' about with my spine with a huge ass needle...

but i wasn't too out of it to not feel how absolutely soul sucking the spinal tap felt...i have never in my life felt that kind of violation...it was terribly intense...

i passed out after that...well as much as one can pass out while in a thin cotton gown and two thin blankets in a freezing hospital while shaking to death with cold can...seriously, can they not get a handle on that basic comfort?...

i understand they've never seen me before...i understand each person is a new challenge...i understand that medicine is not perfect, and neither are caregivers...i understand that just because i put my life into someone else's hands does. not. mean. i. will. get. all. the. answers. i. seek...i understand that not everyone can have their own room...and i understand we are all in this together...

but what i don't get is why i can't get a thicker more modest gown that covers and fits?...more than one blanket at a time without having to ask, that isn't thinner than my sheets at home, in a place that is kept perpetually cool, so i who am suffering from whatever and am scared and unsure can have some. measure. of. warmth and comfort?...

they need a clause in that hippocratic oath that has to do with better linens and bigger gowns...it's only right...

but, good news!...after all that as it turns out hallelujah i DID NOT SUFFER AN ANUERYSM!!!

hoo freakin' ray!

apparently it was some random freaky migraine...i got released but had to spend the next 24 hours flat on my back, literally, so that my spinal fluid didn't get all wonky in my body...

i've suffered a bit of a residual headache since then, but am MUCH better...

and the absolute best part, other than not having to have brain surgery, is that the doctor gave me two doctors "release from work" notes to use!

score!

i'm keepin' these bad boys for when i really need them!

yeah right...ha ha ha...he obviously didn't understand what my *job* is...

what am i gonna do?...hand one to the duke and wingman and say too bad kids!...give yourselves your own latin tests and there's no dinner tonight!

as it was, i rested well and the lord of the ring picked up the slack...and we're somewhat back on track...

but don't think i'm not hanging on to those doctor's notes just. in. case.

x.