how you know your neighbor needs some time with the buddha.

this handsome devil hangs out in our yard.

the cats climb on him and lounge in his hands.

the boybarians play baseball and he has a front row seat.

he has an old plum tree overhead, and afternoon son.

he seems happy.

and every once in awhile when one of the boybarians is having a hard time with listening or being kind or being overly sensitive or controlling their anger or whatever else will plague a boy and turn him into a quivering lump of emotions i will tell them to go sit in front of the buddha and just be silent. to just sit and look at the buddha and find some calm.

SO this fine sunny morning the lord of the ring and i were enjoying a few moments on the front porch when we heard a squirrel start his squirrel song in a tree not far away but not on our part of the property.

now, if you haven't heard a squirrel singing a squirrel song it's a repetitive and high pitched chirping and it's annoying. i think they do it for mating purposes? since i'm not a squirrel expert i don't really know why they do it i just know they do it and i just think it's part of living in the world. even if it can be an annoying part. especially if you're trying to sleep.

but, you put a pillow over your head or get up for the morning and call it good. or if you're sitting on the porch enjoying the morning you say

"oh pipe down!"

"get a room!"

and other corny phrases.

which is what the lord of the ring and i were doing. and the squirrel ignored us and continued his song and we continued our chat.

then

BOOM!

and the song was silenced.

yep, the neighbor shot the squirrel.

maybe he was tired and trying to sleep? maybe he had a migraine? maybe he just doesn't have a sense of humor and can't joke about the annoyance or just ignore it?

whatever it is, he's an ass.

and CLEARLY could use some time with the buddha.

x.

sin.

i've always had a problem with the notion of sin. especially original sin.

what a loaded word! it made me bristle and in fact gave me the creeps when i heard it.

because i've always thought that what many consider "sin" is just basic human behavior. not always the "correct" of human behaviors, but a natural part of the growth and development of the self.

plus, sin is damn fun.

the notion of sin especially bothered me in the hail mary. a prayer that i can appreciate, a prayer that could i love, except for the "pray for us sinners" part. i could never fully attach to the hail mary because i never considered myself a "sinner." it just felt wrong.

and yet i love mary and everything that she is, which made not loving the hail mary even harder.

because i am not a sinner and i don't want someone to pray for me as such. not even mary. not even at the hour of my death.

oh, sure, i am far from perfect and have done movie of the week worthy crap in my day. BUT, that doesn't make me a sinner. it just makes me human.

anyhow, recently in a new earth by eckhart tolle, i read the definition, actually the translation of, sin. literally translated from ancient greek, sin basically means to miss the mark, to miss the point. living unskillfully and blindly, causing suffering as a result.

of course as with so many things in the larger culture of the organized christian church and its attendant dogma, sin has been co-opted and convoluted to suit the needs of those who deem themselves in charge. the translation has been replaced by definition to suit the culture of the christian church and its teachings.

but i love the literal translation, and it totally captures the bumbling circus that is individual human existence for much of our waking hours.

i have missed the mark so. many. times. i have suffered, and i have caused suffering.

we try not to, and sometimes we fail in the trying. and missing the mark never gets easier, and suffering whether experienced or caused never gets less painful, BUT knowing that they are a natural part of the human condition lessens the sting and speeds the moving on to the next level. and each time i end up with renewed faith that tomorrow is a new day. another chance. the knowledge that i'm not the only asshole on the ship.

well, if that's sin then i'm getting pretty good at navigating it so sign me up!

and hail mary, pray for this sinner now and at the hour of my death.

x.

sweet.

so i got this little guy in the mail today! a little white chocolate mouse nestled in a box of EXQUISITE l.a. burdick handmade chocolates! a totally unexpected and totally appreciated belated birthday gift. yay! me!

i am not a big fan of sweets at all. in fact you will rarely see me eating desert or a treat or anything like that. even the stuff i make. and while i can appreciate chocolate, i'm not all crazy for it like a lot of women seem to be.

BUT, handmade chocolates i make an exception for. as someone who LOVES to cook and bake and especially to eat, i really can appreciate the time and effort and care that goes into creating chocolates of this caliber.

plus, instead of just being a hit of sweet, there are so many subtleties and layers and textures going on in high quality chocolates that make them that much more enjoyable.

for instance, the one i just chose to eat is a bon bon called the trinidad. "a baton of dark ganache with honey, carribean spices, and chopped hazelnuts"

hershey's it ain't.

i like the complexity of good chocolate. i like the idea of it. i like all the tastes wrapped up in a single piece. and i like that you can be eating chocolate and still not have that as the main focus. that it's just part of the whole.

anyhow, i am a lucky girl!

and, at this point, i am letting the boybarians each choose a piece. at. this. point. i say because i haven't decided exactly which pieces i am truly willing to part with.

in other sweet news, today wingman was regaling his brother and cousin with tales of his dreams last night. the first one i didn't quite get, but the second one went something like this

"mama was gone in las vegas. and when she was gone the color in the house was just normal. but when she came back the color turned all peachy orange"

now that's sweet.

x.

bless the assholes because they need it more than anyone else.

some jackass took the note obama put in a crack in the wailing wall in jerusalem and published it.

i get the whole thing about being in the limelight and the hazards of such, how paparazzi works, the world's voracious appetite for titillation with their news.

but this is beyond the pale. this is such a violation of incomprehensible measures.

this offends me on so many levels.

i didn't read the article because i couldn't bear to be privy to his private thoughts/prayers. i cannot imagine. and it doesn't even matter what he wrote. god.

i have a wall in my yard. i gathered rocks from all around the property and built my own little wall. and when i don't know what else to do i go and sit in front of my wall and have my thoughts. occasionally i write my thoughts, prayers, etc. on a slip of paper and stick it in a crack.

i cannot tell you the peace and pleasure this brings me in the midst of really feeling like i need it.

i cannot tell you how awful it would be to have someone violate that by removing and reading what i've written.

i cannot imagine for one moment thinking it wouldn't be the most awful thing to take another person's private thoughts from where he cast them and putting it in your pocket for removal later when you publish it for the world to see.

i cannot imagine being that person. shame on him, and yet i'll still say a prayer for him because someone like that really. really. needs. it.

in other news, this is our last week of "vacation" before school starts. i may or may not have jury duty every day and it's supposed to rain all week. soooo, i'll let you know how that all pans out.

happy monday!

x.

one sweet world.

"Nine planets round the sun, only one does the sun embrace. Upon this watered one, so much we take for granted; So let us sleep outside tonight, lay down in our mother's arms, for here we can rest safely … One sweet world around a star is spinning - One sweet world - And in her breath I'm swimming, and here we will rest in peace." -dave matthews


this is where we went for a walk today.

it was even more gorgeous in person.

wish you could have joined us, and i wish you something as beautiful as this in your very near future.

happy friday!

x.

the rookie.

so i went to a yoga class today.

can i tell you i haven't been to a yoga class since i took pre-natal yoga with the duke? and before that it had been years and it was only once or twice till i figured out yoga. was. not. for. me.

in my early twenties as a wanna be rrriot grrrl yoga was just not my thing. give me kick boxing or weight lifting or bicycling or dancing on a speaker at a club. yoga was too. darned. slow. and everybody in the big city across the pond where i lived was too darned. oovey. groovey. and soft spoken and all zen.

/shudder

then when i was pregnant with the duke it was great. it got me out of the house and moving and feeling like i was doing a great service to my growing baby. then the instructor took a different class and a new instructor took ours. on the first day she had us all stand in a circle and use a yoga pose or dance move or any kind of movement to "express how we were feeling right then"

good. god.

i am sure i don't have to tell you how incredibly awful this was for someone of my temperament and curmudgeoness (yes, even at that tender young age. if you start young you can hone it to a perfection before you get too old to really enjoy it) to be put through this exercise. and i was a former dancer! 5 years of modern dance (don't laugh) and 2 years of ballet!

so she gets to me and my arms are crossed.

"so i guess, you're um, feeling.. closed?"

sure. yeah. "closed." if that's what you have to tell yourself yogagirl.

i suppose there was a better way to express exactly what i was feeling, but i am, if nothing else, a lady.

needless to say, but of course i will anyway, i never went back.

through the years i've done some yoga tapes at home (remember video tapes?) and some pilates at home, with the ball and bands and weights even (thanks to last year's foray into physical therapy) and found that here and there i really enjoyed it.

so recently i decided that while gardening and walking and what not was doing my body good, i needed to get out and really stretch my body, do something more consistent, and maybe perhaps gain a little peace and a smaller ass.

i wanted to do pilates, but there's only one place close to me and ALL their classes start at like 11. since school is starting back i needed something earlier, before the school day started.

so i found a yoga class at the local community center 10 minutes from my house that starts at 8:10a.m.

and you know, because it's me, of course nothing can ever just be normal. or regular.

no, it's me and 8 old people. oh, sure, most of them are in better shape than i am, but still, they're seriously old. a couple of old men the rest women who had been obviously taking the class a long while together.

the duke asked me when i got home and explained the class to him

"did they call you rookie?"

and then he walked away snickering.

whatever. laugh now mr. bones. i used to be your size. just wait.

anyhow, and the best part is, the teacher. good lord i've never seen a person less like a yoga teacher and more like a truck stop waitress. a dilapidated truck stop that has seen better days and the waitress, better men. and i can't be sure, but i think she had a smoker's gravel to her voice.

no matter. it turned out to be a fine class. it worked me more than i thought, and i felt really good about my ability and my endurance. of course it helps that i was the only person in the class not present for the unveiling of the wheel. but, i'm not complaining. i could seriously kick some yoga ass in this class!

so, i'll go back. it doesn't matter about the make-up of the class or the weird teacher, it provided what i need for right now. it's close to my house, it's just the right time, it's 32 bucks a month for twice weekly sessions (score!), and it's just the right speed for easing back into making my body do what it craves, but doesn't necessarily want to do.

and honestly, though i'm making fun of my classmates, you really never know who will become a new friend.

and who knows, maybe i'll love it become all zen.

every day is a new day, people. a chance to start over, to make a new friend, to find something you love to do.

even if you're a rookie.

especially if you're a rookie.

x.

lavender.

the thing about lavender is you just can't work around it without feeling good.

it's so pretty, and it smells so good even when you barely brush against it, and it attracts bees. and with the decline of the bee population in the last few years, anywhere i see a great gathering of bees gives me hope and makes me happy.

i knew the lord of the ring was really the man for me when we were in my favorite store in my favorite seaside town and not only did he love the store too, but he picked up a big book about provence and pointed to the huge field of lavender on the cover and said

"that's what i'd like my yard to look like some day"

the thing about lavender is that you don't have to give it a lot of attention, or attention really at all, and it will still bloom. year after year.

but the more attention you give it, the more it will reward you. you can see your care being given back in spades. and as a gardener who knows very little about gardening that's a really big deal.

it's a bit like mothering, seeing your work in action in a positive way.

so i cut some lavender today. the beginning of harvesting as much as i can from my dozen or more bushes. there's so much and i've invited a few people to come and cut some too.

i'll dry some and use them to make the sheets smell good and the drawers and a closet or two. i'll cut my favorite two bushes and put the bunches in my vintage maple syrup collection buckets. i'll give some away.

and yet there will still be too much. i won't be able to use it all. no matter what, my little patch always gives a big bounty.

lavender is a generous plant that asks so little and gives so much.

and we could all use a little more of that in our lives.

x.

be here now. because fall is still 61 days away.

i found these miniature fire king casseroles at a sale a few days ago.

how cute are they? i know, right?

and the best part, besides their size and their fabulous shiny orange glaze, is that they were only 1$ apiece! score!

the thing is, now i'm ready to be done with summer! because all i see when i look at these little casseroles are meals based on perfect for fall dishes.

individual servings of homemade macaroni and cheese with a crunchy buttery breadcrumb topping.

or individual lasagnas with a heavy meat sauce and melty mozzarella toppings.

or, and this is where i really get excited, french onion soup. individual bowls filled to the brim with soup made of a rich broth and slow caramelized sweet onions, and topped with a thick slice of hearty bread and blanketed in cheese.

and it doesn't help i spent all day yesterday on curriculum tweaking and lesson planning.

so now when the weather outside still suggests beach days and balmy evenings i'm thinking of bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils, the promise of brand spankin' new textbooks, and soups and stews and casseroles that involve first the stove and then the oven and apparently a lot of cheese.

what would ram dass have to say about that?

x.

because i'm cool like that.

i turned twentyseventeen yesterday.

i baked myself a red velvet cake with pink frosting and ballerinas.

just because i can.

and the duke said

"did you know, mama, that you were born the same year led zeppelin had their world tour? that's so cool!"

indeed.

anyhow, enjoy this virtual slice of cake and be sure that i'll keep you more than posted on the coming travails of my life as a twentyseventeen year old.

i think this is going to be a very. good. year.

x.

hi!-atus.

hi!

apparently i'm taking a break while i work on a project here in real life.

i'll be back monday.

enjoy your weekend!

x.

summer.

ye gads it's the middle of the summer already!

so far the summer of 2008 has yielded;

house drink ~ mojito (for the big guys)
house meal ~ humongous, beautiful salad chock full with crunchy colorful veggies, topped with grilled chicken and sesame ginger dressing (the boybarians are about to put themselves up for adoption if we serve this again- but we love it!)
favorite snack ~ otter pop (for the shortys)
theme song ~ gone hollywood by supertramp (the boybarians)

we start back to school the first of august (just with latin and math) so i feel that waning days of summer push to get all our fun in!

though even with school, we'll have plenty of time in august for fun, and in fact have our annual island camping coming up!

i'm trying to be a better summer parent this year. planning things in advance. finding new things to do. keeping us occupied. keeping us in the free or low cost budget range.

to that end;

i always forget about the free movies. once a week in most towns across the country they offer an early free movie at your local theater. you have to get there early and still pay gobs of money for snacks, and the movies are fairly old, BUT it's a new experience and something to do. an anchor for the day.

also, we are trying to take advantage of more free outdoor concerts. there are a couple of cool venues in our area that offer such things, and we're finally taking advantage of them. a little picnic, a little music, front row to the sunset, sounds pretty good, huh?

we've been going on the bike trail a fair bit, and eating/cooking outside every night. that's summer in a nutshell right there.

there's an amazing boutique ice cream shop in a town not far away that we've never tried. i'm imagining the ice cream isn't cheap, but the shop is very close to a park and on a cool walking/browsing street. so that's on the docket.

also, we haven't had a beach trip yet. an umbrella, buckets, shovels, a cooler filled with drinks, and some snacks and there's a great day right there.

there's putt putt golfing that isn't free, but pretty low cost and fun. and there's always an opportunity to win a free game at the end.

there's also bowling, which is oddly TOTALLY EXPENSIVE, but if you get a group together it's do-able and quite fun. plus, they bring you pitchers of beer if you ask them to. score.

the drive-in movie is a summer favorite. if you bring your own food and drink it's not too bad money wise and more than worth it for a great summer experience. there is quite a nice little drive-in that's a bit of a hike from us, but totally untouched from back in the day, and pretty family friendly.

and if all else fails, or you're done with the summer fun, the heat, the going from here to there, the tour de france is on t.v nearly every day for weeks at a time.

and some days that's all the boybarians need. the drapes in the back room closed against the heat and the glare, an otter pop, and the tour de france complete with the honeyed tones of phil ligget's commentary.

happy summer!

x.

oy.

here it is tuesday already and i've promised you so much and delivered so little!

now you know how my kids feel!

kidding.

kinda.

okay, mostly kidding.

anyhow, i managed a wine blog this afternoon mainly because i chose to drink wine in the cool of the shade rather than actually doing what i am *supposed* to be doing.

though not the champagne i've been promising for a month, because that would be too organized and show follow through and forethought, i think you will enjoy it anyway.

cheers!

x.

because that's just how he rolls.

oh i have so much to say. revealing what the second lesson learned after darwinism was, a play by play on the road trip we just took including the absolute mind blowing experience of the homies and saints vending machine, and expounding on the joy that is the arrival of summer.

BUT

i am experiencing just a touch of depression a smidge really, and that always makes me lazy and anxious and makes adequate and charming recall impossible. but thankfully it's mild and already passing! yea omega-3s!! i love you beautiful flax oil, you elixir of the gods and crazy people! (p.s. my family loves you, too)

SO

i will leave you with the following and be back on monday.

wingman wears socks all the time. pulled up to his knees. all kinds of socks. solids, patterns, white athletic socks. don't know what to get wingman on that special gift giving occasion? a pair of funky socks and he's happy. seriously. and will wear them until they get holes in them, and then wear them just a little bit longer.

he even wears socks with tennis shoes and shorts. in the summer. when it's hot. and he pulls them all the way up.

this sort of evolved because a few years ago we hit a snag in the sandal buying process and started too late and had no choices and so it ended up that we bought a pair of sandals for wingman that just were never comfortable. they had too many straps and some weird pully string thing. so he stopped wearing them.

then last year he was in between sizes and no sandals fit right. they were too long or too strappy or too poky or too black. and so we didn't get any. and he wore shoes with socks pulled all the way up to his knees all summer. happy as a sweaty footed clam.

so when we got home from our trip it was time to gather the necessary items that the duke needed for camp. and while getting the duke new water shoes (he's just hands down refused sandals altogether because he doesn't like them) i saw a pair of sandals just like the ones i knew wingman used to like, on sale, and in his size.

i brought them home and lo and behold he loves them! they're the right color! with the right amount of straps! they aren't too long or too wide or too poky! and they fit perfectly!

and he wears them with socks pulled all the way up to his knees.

new wine blog this weekend! i know i know i still owe you the champagne blog and that's coming. that AND the new wine blog! fun fun fun!

x.

the beauty of darwinism.

so this academic year is ending with two very good lessons recently learned and more importantly cemented into the permanent fabric that is the boybarians' brains.

today i will discuss with you lesson #1. darwinism.

last week we went with our home school group specifically to see the largest redwood tree in the state.

meh.

i was not impressed and in fact did not realize i was under the largest redwood tree in the state until i tuned back into the guide after futzing with my camera and asked the duke what tree was this we were under.

"um, the largest redwood tree in the state"

"huh. i've seen bigger"

but i'm from california. we're a bit snobby about our redwoods with right to be.

anyhow, so after that we went on an interesting walk and the guide pointed out other trees and in fact pointed out a bear trail that had been in use for thousands of years! amazing, and it's practically in our own back yard!

so we're going by this salmon hatchery that had an electrified wire around it. and the guide points it out to me and the one or two parents at the front of the group with me. other parents are far behind, there are many kids in between.

"that's an electric wire to protect the salmon hatchery from predators. let the kids know not to touch it"

so i let the kids immediately around me know and as kids straggled up i let them know too.

and what do the two other boys the duke's age do?

yep. they immediately touch it. with sticks.

"um, guys don't touch the wire. it's electric"

they pretty much just give me blank looks and wait for my lips to stop moving and then turn around and try touching it again.

at this point i can't figure out if they're stupid or they are an experiment of their parents gone horribly wrong, but i marched over and got right at their level and said

"DON'T TOUCH THE WIRE. NOT WITH STICKS. NOT WITH ANYTHING"

the duke was amazed these boys his age were so clueless. wingman just stood there then said

"who would do that!?!"

indeed.

so we move on across a bridge to go look at a bear trap. and as we come up on a long concrete open culvert not in use we notice a doe we had seen earlier. she seemed very upset. very agitated.

as we looked into the culvert we noticed why. her baby was trapped in the culvert. the baby had jumped in, but was too little to jump out.

now, our guide was a wildlife expert. this was a situation he knew how to handle. but, he wasn't alone. with upwards of 40 people with him there wasn't much he could do. so he said

"this mama is very upset. let's walk as far around her as possible to get to the other side and head back to the park. and let's be very quiet. if we spook her she could charge at all of us or she could run the other way and abandon her baby. let's just go as quickly and as quietly around, then i'll come back on my own and help the baby"

that seemed clear enough.

except the littler kids and the girls and THE MOTHERS all rushed forward in a collective "ooohhh poor baby" and started talking about it and moving in closer for a better shot at a picture.

"um, yeah, you know what..."

side note here. for those of you who don't already know this, when i start out saying that very phrase it's just the opening of the gates to bitch city. it's me at the end of my rope. it's me not being able to be diplomatic about it or friendly about it or wanting to deal with it for one fucking second longer.

"um, yeah, you know what? i don't think it's really the best idea to do the exact opposite of what he said to do"

and again i got the blank stares and the waiting until my lips stopped moving and i was largely ignored because apparently mothers don't like being told what not to do any more than their horrible ill behaved children do.

especially homeschool mothers who are all used to doing just as they please and have control issues anyway.

somehow the homeschool herd of genius' managed to get back to the park with little incident.

and turns out the guide did go back and he successfully reunited the mama and baby.

and those boys with the sticks and the electric wire?

not 15 minutes later we all heard a crash and looked over. they had found a bottle and a log and put the bottle on the road and dropped the log onto it. who knows why. because they are boys or bored or curious or just little horrible ill behaved shits who are not used to being given structure or rules or consequences.

because at 11 what do you think is going to happen when you drop a log on a bottle on a road?

here's a hint genius, it's going to break. it's going to break on the road. where all of our cars have to drive on to get out. where all the littler kids are walking across to get to the creek. many with no shoes.

the duke again was incredulous.

"that wasn't very safe"

and again wingman just stared with his mouth open

"who would do that!?!"

and did the mothers of these boys get up and do anything?

yeah, not so much.

another mother read them the riot act and i got the plastic bag and the paper towels and saw that they picked up every last piece and threw them away.

all the while the boys' mothers were busy with their littler kids or saw that the situation was taken care of and went back to socializing or whatever it was that they do instead of parenting their children.

meanwhile probably mentally checking off "science experiment" for the day and calling it good.

look, all kids are curious. my kids are curious. but if someone says don't touch this or x, y, z, will happen my kids know enough about the world to know that x, y, z will happen.

and i can understand wanting to poke and destroy. this largely boy thing. i am the mother of boys. i get it.

but just because you can/want to doesn't mean you should.

and at some point that needs to become crystal clear to every child.

but if you haven't gotten it by 11 that a broken bottle plus road plus no shoes isn't a good idea, say EVER, then when do you get it?

i love darwinism in the same way that i love karma. they are the immutable laws of the universe.

you cannot run. you cannot hide.

you can just piss others off while they patiently wait for it all to catch up with you.

and it will.

it always does.

and therein lies the beauty.

x.

creepy clowns and baseball moms.

so there's this mom on the baseball team and throughout the season i saw her with what was obviously a professional camera taking pictures of her son.

then a week ago she comes to the game with a box full of photos. and then i see her handing a stack to this parent, then that.

obviously she's taken photos of each kid, not just her own. cool.

so i get up into the stands where my friend is sitting and she has a stack of photos of her boy.

"look. this one is great, isn't it?"

"wow, those are good. how many did she give you?"

"there's like ten here"

"that's cool"

"yeah. they're two dollars and i'm trying to decide which ones i like"

"wait, what? two dollars for the stack?"

"no. per picture"

"did you ask her to take pictures?"

"no. i didn't know she took pictures. she just handed me this stack to see if i wanted to buy any"

"what!?! who does that!?!"

perhaps, had i known the woman who actually does that was standing not too far behind me, i could have moderated my voice some.

but it was an honest and authentic reaction and i am finally learning that those are okay to have. and i stand by it. and likely she didn't hear me.

look. she shows up with photos, good photos, of your kid doing various cool things on the baseball field and hands them to you.

a stack of photos of your kid?!? of course you're automatically thrilled. then you see how good they are. then you see how many there are. then she tells you they are two dollars apiece.

this with no prior knowledge of her doing this.

it's a low level amateur form of extortion. plain and simple. sure it's on such a small scale, and sure i'm being pissy about it, but it's STILL some kind of flavor of extortion.

at. the. very. least. it's a violation of the social contract.

how hard is it to send out an e-mail! hey, i've got a great camera and i'll be taking pictures of all the boys. i will offer these professional quality photos for two dollars apiece at the end of the season. your choice to take them or leave them. if you'd rather i didn't take pictures of your son or know you won't want photos then let me know.

there's this movie director turned reality tv show producer named jerry bruckheimer. when you watch any of his "reality" shows, there's always this cruel little twist that "randomly" happens at some point in the show. sometimes it's simple but devastating, sometimes it's actually really cruel. but it's always a set up for a larger fall. and it always changes the course of the episode.

as you can imagine, this makes for good tv. and "random" my ass. in my house we call that being "bruckheimered."

while we don't watch reality tv at all anymore, i have found life bruckheimers you enough you don't have to.

i am all for the artist getting paid for their art. i am all for people trying to make a little money in these hard times. i like pictures of my kid! i would purchase pictures of my kid!

but don't sit down next to me and hand me a stack of photos and tell me that's two dollars apiece, please! when this is the first i know about it.

because it's no better than a creepy clown handing your kid a balloon at the circus and then holding his hand out to you for the dollar. or the guy with the roses who goes up to the couples dining and asks do you want to buy a beautiful flower for the beautiful lady.

do what you need to do, just don't. set. me. up. don't bruckheimer me.

oh, wait. that's right. she didn't. because by the end of the game all the other parents got handed stacks of photos and oddly enough i was the only one who did not.

guess she heard me after all.

x.

rainy days and mondays and big rigs.

so we were at baseball yesterday and the catcher for the other team got a ball to the chest.

right at the part where the chest protector wasn't. poor buddy.

all the parents on our team and understandably the parents on the other team were quiet and anxious to see how he would do.

but a friend was tearing up and actually crying at the injury and the lord of the ring saw her and said

"you're crying. no wonder you guys are friends (pointing to me) she cries at everything, too!"

"it's true. i do. commercials, parades, everything"

to which the lord of the ring said

"i came in the other night and she was watching t.v. and crying at that show trick my truck!"

it's true. i was.

but to be fair, they did a really nice job tricking out that truck.

new wine blog sometime this week. baseball has taken over our lives with the playoffs and the little league has some pesky rule about drinking alcohol in the stands or else i'd just do an in the field review.

and trust me, that would make sitting in those cold and sometimes wet stands a hell of a lot better! we're still waiting for spring and holding no breaths. and by the time we get home it's too damned late for me to try and make any sense. you get the picture.

but it's champagne again so it's well worth the wait!

x.

there are those who love to get dirty and those who love to eventually be able to wear a tank top in public.

today i am shoveling dirt.

i am moving dirt from one spot to another.

i am shoveling it into a wheelbarrow and transporting it down part of the driveway into the neighbor's pasture gate through to our pasture and dumping it.

because i don't have anywhere else to put all this dirt and because one day the lord of the ring wants to build a garage and will need to build up the land to put it he said hey dump your dirt right there. it can't hurt.

so, my little bit of dirt starts the process. a process 10 years in the talking and 10 more years in the financial doing.

no matter, with this action i clear the spot we need cleared and i create the spot we need created.

if i were a bit more zen, i would find some kind of meditation in this. some inner peace with the work. my mind would be cleared and my body would be at rest even with the effort.

as it is, i am thinking shit yeah! this will be great for my arms and my ass!

gary snyder i am not.

but as far as i know he didn't gain 75+ pounds with each pregnancy coupled with an unnatural love for wine and cheese and thus can afford to be all zen.

some of us just don't have that luxury.

x.

the beauty of being a parent is you can pretend the things your children tell you will come to pass.

yesterday after art class wingman and i took our picnic lunch to the nearby park.

and in this neck of the woods where there really is no spring, just a series of overcast, chilly and sometimes windy days punctuated by the occasional sunny day, this consists of being optimistic about the prospect of picnicking in the park but really just eating lunch in the car because it's too cold outside.

again.

it was just the two of us with the duke off at the church in the middle of nowhere taking his test.

there were some teenagers on skateboards going through the parking lot in a noisy bunch.

wingman was watching them. he's fascinated by teenagers. but not in the way you think.

he's fascinated by teenagers in the way that old people are "fascinated" by "kids these days!"

"mama, i just can't understand why teenagers are always not behaving"

"well, it's not that they're not behaving, it's that they're generally not hanging out with their parents in public. so if their parents aren't around to remind them about their manners and behaving, they're not going to always do it"

"but they're big! they should know without their mothers telling them!"

"teenagers are really just big kids. they're still learning. just like you"

"well, when i'm a teenager i'm always going to hang out with you AND i'm going to behave"

cut. print. laminate. put in wallet. save for seven years. pull out when necessary.

he's munching his sandwich and staring at them. then he mutters and shakes his head

"they're not even wearing helmets"

x.

my other brain is the internet.

this is the week that the duke takes the two day test out at the big church in the middle of nowhere.

for the first year i waited all day both days in the parking lot for fear of leaving him at a big church in the middle of nowhere.

that was as fun as it sounds.

last year he told me to just leave him, he was fine, and he would be fine until i came back to get him.

i was reluctant but left anyway. but before i went i found the "church" part of the church went inside and prayed to god that he would be safe from underpaid and bitter proctors, religious fanatics attacking from the outside, and creepy janitors with basement offices.

this year i'm giving it less thought and i don't think i'll have to offer up my prayer. at least not in the church. i'll just offer it up the way i normally do every day. keep him safe and close and free from harm. always.

i don't know how we relax about things exactly. it being such a gradual process and all.

sure he's older and sure i'm no wiser, but i am learning to let go. a bit.

in other news, the raccoons have discovered my compost.

there's a metaphor, huh?

the lord of the ring saw them, well one, out there last night when he was trying to drag in our vagabond kitty.

will they come every night and feast on the compost, i wonder?

because i can't have that. i'm all for raccoons, it's just i'd like some actual dirt from this compost one day AND raccoons hanging around is not good for the cats living here. cats who don't like to come in when they're called because they all think they're special and exempt, and because i think they rather like me hauling my ass out there in the dark and giving them a ride home.

plus, there was that little 700 dollar matter of the mama cat being attacked by raccoons and having a subsequent and costly surgery last year. no thanks.

maybe i get a bin? what kind? and a bin seems a bit like cheating, doesn't it?

you can see i've gotten a lot farther in this gardening thing. sheesh.

i guess i'll online because isn't that what you do when you don't know what to do?

new wine blog tonight. AND it's champagne dahlings, so put on your pearls and cleanse your palates!

x.

adventures in clothing; part two.

TWO BOYS, ONE SHIRT

so on the same trip to old navy that yielded the little black maternity dress i managed to get a good deal on some shirts for the boybarians.

the shirts were basically the same, with a variation in the screened design and color.

button up soft cotton polo, blue with some stripes and a skate design on the duke's , and white with a surf/palm tree design on wingman's.

the duke put his on, buttoned to. the. very. top., untucked with flat front khakis and his monochrome black chuck taylor's.

"i feel taller in this outfit"

"oh. well, why don't you unbutton that top button?"

"i never button the top button"

"i noticed. but why?"

"because i'm uptight. and ticklish"

well. then.

so later in the morning wingman comes out with his new shirt on. completely unbuttoned, with a not so clean pajama shirt on underneath, tucked into big silk basketball shorts, pirate socks pulled all the way up to his knees and tennis shoes. the pair that's missing the tongue in one shoe, and peeling on the sole on the other shoe. not the pair that fits better and is cleaner and newer. the old falling apart pair because he loves them best.

this represents an "outfit" to wingman.

"oh, wingman, you're wearing your new shirt"

"yeah"

"is that what you're wearing to art class?"

"yeah"

yeah.

so i'm living with felix unger and the big lebowski.

so. yeah.

x.