oy vey.

i KID you not as soon as we sat down at the deli yesterday the duke immediately got that i know i was fine two minutes ago but right now i feel really really gross and hot and pukey and in fact as much as it pains me to admit this mother given the right trigger i just may puke all over you and the good people we are sharing the deli's one communal table with look on his face...

i've never downed hand cured artisanal meats and cheeses and wine so damned fast in my life...well, maybe wine...anyhow, we got the rest to go and hightailed it out of there...

so no flowers or pastry...but no puke either...

so all in all just another birthday with kids...

the bag lady in paris sent me cold hard cash so i'm finally ordering my "you make jesus cry" and "no one cares about your blog" mug set...

i thought already ordered them and have been waiting...turns out i didn't...but now i will...

she also sent me the barefoot contessa in paris cookbook...the recipe for roasted chicken on a bed of croutons is one i've been making a lot of...it is soooo good...and now i don't have to keep getting the book from the library!

ina garten has the personality of a bowl of unadulterated cream of wheat but her recipes are terrific!

we aren't going on our letterboxing walk this morning with the duke feeling ill...but i *think* i will *gasp* brave the upstairs...but, i don't know...it's sooooo hot...maybe in awhile...because i'm a LOSER!...and everyday i wait i'm one step closer to christmas...

anyhow, i fear i will be too busy with the duke to accomplish much...remember me mentioning he's really really high maintenance when he's sick?...yeah, it's terrifically charming...

so yesterday after racing home he's lying on the couch searching for a john wayne movie on t.v. and says

"mama, i'm hungry"

"oh yeah, well what would you like?...some soup?"

"no...i'd like a roast beef sandwich on dark rye"

"you are not having a sandwich like that with your stomache the way it is...besides i don't have anything to make a sandwich like that"

"that's okay...i'd take a burger...AND you don't even have to make it...you could order it"

good grief.

then this morning when i came downstairs before he even says hi he says

"mama, papa won't let me make pancakes"

"oh honey, you shouldn't be in the kitchen making pancakes when you're sick"

"well then, you could make them for me...extra syrup please"

he got cereal...

that's all you need when you're sick, a big old glob of pancakes in your belly...besides, i don't *do* pancakes...i can whip up a big ol' mexican breakfast like you wouldn't believe...but standing at the stove making pancakes...each individual cake...pour watch flip...pour watch flip...it's a little too zen for me...probably why i never did any good with meditation...or with men who wear clogs...

so we'll see if i'm in the kitchen all day or not...since he hasn't puked yet, it's a good bet i will be...

speaking of the kitchen, tonight is the great macaroni and cheese off...we're making one homemade, one *healthy* box, and one unhealthy box...then we're doing a blind taste test to indentify our favorite one...

the lord of the ring is in charge of making the homemade one...which makes me feel as though i'd really like to have a little heart medication on hand just in case...

it's friday, so tonight is also family movie night...tonight we are watching the first harry potter...wingman just got done with a read aloud of the first book so he gets to finally see the movie...he's been dying to see it for awhile...but the deal in this house is you read the book or have it read to you before you get to see the movie...with so many great classics being made into movies these days it seems like a good compromise...

well, there's my day and i haven't even finished my coffee!!...

from my house to yours, may your friday also be productive and puke free...

x.

oye como va!

~~~~happy birthday to me!!!~~~~

and so it is written:

on this day a sillymortal was born

today i celebrate my birthday...i am 35 and feel every inch it...

not in a bad way...i just feel older somehow...like some years birthdays come and go and i feel no different...but this year i do...i haven't figured out how i feel different beyond the older but in a good way bit...there's something else lurking there...good thing i have a year to figure it all out...

if i stumble on any answers i'll share them with you...

i know you were worried...

anyhow, today is carlos santana's birthday, too...which is pretty cool...even cooler if he and i could go out for birthday mojitos...though he doesn't strike me as the mixed drink type...but really, mojitos aren't a mixed drink as much as they are an elixer...he's probably busy, though...

to celebrate the lord of the ring and the boybarians and i are heading to the big city across the pond to a deli (for lack of a better word) called salumi...it's mario batali's dad's joint and i have been dying to go forever...

their specialty is they make their own cured artisan meats, among a myriad of other italian items, and it's just basically a storefront with some tables...the line is out the door for sandwiches and weekly pastas and soups, and they are only open tuesdays through fridays from 11-4...

i want an antipasto platter and a bottle of wine to start...we'll go from there...

it's supposed to be fantastic and i can't wait!

beyond that, no plans...maybe pick up some flowers and a birthday pastry at pike place market if i can brave the tourists without imploding...it's doubtful...though filled with cured meat and wine i feel i can attempt to accomplish anything...

it's a beautiful day and i plan to enjoy it...

x.

wednesday.

well, we found the first letterbox but couldn't get to the second due to a bridge closure...

and no, there wasn't anyone lurking about on the trail...*this* time...

yesterday we went on a hike to a gorgeous waterfall on the olympic peninsula...wingman complained bitterly only part of the way...

why is it when i say the word *hike* he's all jumping up and down and excited...but then when we are actually *hiking* he's whining and complaining and slowly dissolving along the way?

probably for the same reason he can ride his bike and play at the park for hours on end but can't walk up the stairs to get his pajamas on and insists on being carried...

in other and more disturbing news, i had a dream about david hasselhoff last night...it wasn't pretty...he was wearing that shirt he wears in real life that says "don't hassle the hoff"...good lord don't hassle me!!...thankfully i woke up before it got extra ugly...

there isn't much to report except a packed schedule for the next few days...today we have the library and piano and then a ball game this evening...a *real* ball game which means beer and hot dogs and actual action...i don't care if i ever see another t-ball game in my life!!...

tomorrow is my birthday, friday we go for another letterbox hunt in some wetlands, and saturday i am taking a kayak class/tour...

i also plan to start the painting project in our bedroom and pull together the upstairs...then declutter the art shelf and homeschool stuff in anticipation of our august return to school...

that's plenty ambitious for my lazy self...i'm tired just thinking about it!...but it will be a good birthday gift to complete a few projects...

at the very least get the um, christmas stuff in the upstairs hallway put away...

yeah, that's bad...i know...what's even worse is my thinking hey, i'm over halfway to christmas so i could just save myself the work and leave it...it was considered...well, is still being considered...

i'll keep you posted...

x.

monday.

oh, my kids are a charming lot...

this morning wingman comes up to me and gives me a hug and says

"you have a big ol' tummy...you need to get a baby from the sky to put in that big ol' tummy"

wow, with the charming children i already have why wouldn't i want more?

speaking of my big ol' tummy, i haven't been totally on par with my exercise because i hurt my knee a few weeks ago...i'm trying to go easy on it...i was griping about it the other day and the lord of the ring cheekily says

"oh is that your old cycling injury acting up?"

"more like re-cycling injury from carrying those damned beer bottles to the end of the driveway"

buh dump bump.

seriously, i hurt it in the pool...we went to a community pool (yes, i wore a bathing suit in public...i know i know, sometimes i even surprise myself) a few weeks ago and since neither of my boys can swim (the duke doesn't want to get his face wet GOOD LORD!, wingman hasn't had lessons yet) "swimming at the pool" consists of me hauling their little wet bodies around the deep end and hanging out in the shallow end with them...

so while i was hauling them around i tweaked my knee funny and it hasn't been the same since...but, it's slowly getting better and i hope to be back up to my normal exercise routine soon...

meanwhile, we are still on a break from school...we go back at the beginning of august and i can't wait...school lends a certain structure to the day that we desperately need...or i do anyway...

the boybarians are like puppies...without structure they are left to their own devices...mostly it's okay, but some days it just ain't pretty...

speaking of which, since the duke came home from camp he hasn't been the same kid that left...he's been like a some sort of pseudo teenager...all weird tone inflections and just *not* in his body...it's age appropriate and it's really annoying...it's finally flushing out, but not soon enough for my liking...

anyhow, i think i have gotten even closer to the actual root of the change...it's less the lord of the flies influence of camp than i thought it was and far more insidious...we had a conversation yesterday that went like this

"hey mama, did you know that at camp i had two little milks with every meal?"

"oh, i didn't realize you were such a milk drinker"

"yeah, two cartons...most of the kids did"

"well, i hope you had some water, too"

"actually, i didn't drink any water while i was there"

(insert previous crack pipe scenario here)

"um, what?...i sent your water bottle...and they have water pitchers on each table...you must have had some water"

"nope, just milk"

oh. my. god.

i encourage water drinking here...rarely is there a time we have anything BUT water at meals to drink or anytime during the day for that matter...and this kid is telling me for eight days he didn't drink a drop?

what the hell!...didn't the counselors encourage it?...did he leave his brain at home?...i even sent letters and in every letter i mentioned "hey, remember to drink lots of water!"...i *know* that doesn't work, but it makes me feel better...

no wonder he came back and acted the way he did...he's dehydrated!...friggin' kid...leaves home and loses his ever lovin' mind!...

sigh...

they did a study on happiness and it turns out the actual day to day act of parenting came in at the bottom of the list...after laundry and taking out the garbage...everyone always says their kids bring them the greatest joy, it's just the actual act of parenting that makes them want to take a long walk off a short pier...

well, we're off on a letterbox* hunt...we made our own stamps and we got some clues to a letterbox really close to us so we're off to see if we can find it...i'll let you know how it goes...

x.

*letterboxing is the hunt for hidden boxes filled with a rubber stamp and a logbook...someone hides a box and puts clues on the web and you get the clues and hunt for the box...it's usually on some walking trail or park...you find the box and stamp your logbook with the stamp in the box and stamp the logbook in the box with your stamp...

it originated in europe and has made its way to the states...it sounds like fun** and our stamps turned out really cool!

**well, "fun" if there isn't some creep who reads the clues and lies in wait on trails for unsuspecting parents and kids...i know, i'm deranged but i wouldn't be me if i didn't think worst case scenario...that's just how i roll...and probably why my blood pressure is so high...

well, i can breathe again...

the duke of fun has returned from his 8 days at camp...

i didn't realize i was holding my breath...

i knew he was having fun and was safe and cared for but that doesn't matter one whit when you're the mother...or, i'm your mother...

anyhow he's here and i am SO GLAD!...i missed him terribly and it was a hard adjustment not having him here...okay, so that's a gross understatement of my emotional state while he was gone...but i don't need to bore you with all the neurotic details...this time...

ah, my boy forging a path independent of his family unit...embarking on new adventures, making new friends, learning to trust strangers...getting the award for *the* stinkiest feet out of his group of cabins...

apparently, and i have a certificate of award to prove it, he has earned the nickname "dr. sweet feet"...

"yeah, the girls said they could smell my feet all the way from their cabins!"

as you can imagine, this is an incredible source of pride for a 9 year old boy...

myself?...i can think of other things i'd like my son to be known for...but at least he's making a name for himself...no one forgets a smell like that and the person responsible (i blame the sandals...but then again, i would)

there's no such thing as *bad* publicity, right?

and i had the pleasure of smelling those feet...i'd have to say, the award was more than well earned and well deserved...

oh, but not to be outdone by the feet...we had the following exchange in the car on the way from the bus

"oh, mama?"

"yeah, buddy"

"um, this pair of underwear i'm wearing are my only pair i had"

"well good thing you didn't run out, huh?...we'll wash the other pairs with all your things when we get home"

"no, i mean this is the only pair i had all week at camp...you didn't pack any other pairs"

"what?...i packed 9 pairs of underwear and showed you where they were in the bag!"

"well, they weren't there"

if i *had* asthma, now is the point at which i would have been sucking on my inhaler like a crackhead in an abandoned building...

"so what you're saying is you've been wearing the same pair of underwear the whole time you've been gone?"

"yep"

oh. good. god.

so of course at home i showed him the whole pile of clean underwear in the pocket he missed...obviously they were clean, but i tossed them in the wash with all his other camp laundry anyway...it made me feel better somehow...to physically act out denial is a terribly soothing balm...

it is at this point in the telling that as a matter of redemption (his not mine...i've accepted there's no hope for me...but let's try and save the children...oh, and dear duke, if you ever read this, *again*, i am so sorry i must use you as fodder at my whim...but, that's the way it goes...love, your mother)

but, i digress...

wait, where was i?...now i'm getting tripped up by my own literary license...good lord it does sneak up on you...ANY. HOW. i must bring up the fact that he was voted by all of his group of cabins as "most honest"...now THIS is more like it!...

seriously, he was very proud of the award...the lord of the ring and i are very very very proud of this...see, at camp they have core values that they try and get the kids to understand and possess and project...there are six, and at the end of the week all the campers in your group of cabins vote on the camper who most represented each one...

most honest...whatta kid...

when you send your kids out into the world it's a crapshoot...what you send out and what you get back has absolutely nothing to do with you...of course in the grand scheme it does in the form of your influence and parenting blah blah blah....but that's the grand scheme...

at the actual moment, though, when it really comes down to it, it is only about your child...who your child is when he or she isn't with you...and what he or she chooses to do with the information or situation at hand...

you give them the tools and just have to hope it all balances out in the end...the hurts the triumphs the sacrifices the happiness...

you hope they accept good natured ribbing with aplomb (those sandals are history!)

you hope they win awards for the possession of admirable character traits...

you hope that despite it all they have learned a lesson, made a friend, and shared a laugh...

but mostly you hope they are wearing clean underwear...

indeed.

x.

a little light summer reading...

i just finished tracy kidder's mountains beyond mountains...an incredible book about paul farmer, a doctor who is an infectious disease expert and his remarkable and amazing work in haiti, peru, and russia among other places...

it is an excellent book and i highly encourage you all to read it...then go to the partners in health website and give generously...

now i am reading a book about the genocide in rwanda...ugg...humans are capable of such abhorrent behavior it's a wonder any of us survive as well as we do...or at all...

after that i've got climbing parnassus...a book that makes the case for returning to the classics in education...especially so to the teaching of greek and latin...after studying latin for the last two years now, i've recently decided to to center our whole curriculum around it...

implementing this latin-centered curriculum before the fall will take some effort on my part and has become my summer project...and since i've never studied latin myself, i do believe i've got my work cut out for me...

my only problem with this book is i saw the picture of the author on the back flap and it's really creepy in that *ooohh look at me, aren't i a catch...i am not only really blonde and tan and smarmy, but smart and thoughtful looking too!...let me whisper greek nothings into your ear*...it's unfortunate, but based on his image, it might be hard to take him seriously...

hey, just because i'm trying to better educate my children and expand their minds and broaden their horizons doesn't mean i want to come out of the shallow end of the pool anytime soon myself...i like it here...people know me here...

in other news, the boybarians are burning their brains out on jimmy neutron this morning before we head out to piano...then it's a trip to procure the last of the items needed for the duke's trip to camp, and then probably popsicles and the sprinkler...and then some sort of barbecued meat later...

ahh, summer is finally here...

x.

weekend update.

alright alright i'm back and i've got all the gory details...

actually, it was quite lovely.

there, are y'all happy!...hurumph...

you know me, gotta make it all horrible beforehand so it at least has the smallest chance of being bearable...that's just how i roll...

now, for a re-cap...

the deal is the summer camp that the lord of the ring attended for 9 years was having its 100th year anniversary...so, this particular weekend of family camp was the reunion weekend...

so of course we had to go...

turns out we shared a cabin with a dear old friend of his...it actually worked out very well...dug the wife and their kids...and the boybarians and their kids got on as if they've known each other all their lives...

our cabin (those three sided wooden jobbys with no lights and a buncha bunks) was literally on the beach...in the san juan islands...it was simply gorgeous...

there were cool activities and a lot of them and the food was good...at mealtime we shared a table with the family we shared the cabin with so it cut down TREMENDOUSLY on my need to engage in polite small talk while stuffing my face...a plus in any situation...especially so during enforced sobriety whist in the midst of psychologically trying circumstances...

some highlights included the boybarians and the lord of the ring going on "the big swing"...basically a harness and cables wherein you are pulled 50ft into the air between the trees then you release from the hold cable and drop into a swinging arc...can i tell you?...wingman, all of five, went up TWICE harnessed to the lord of the ring, and the duke went up a bunch of times...the last time finally asking to go all the way up to the top before releasing...

i kayaked in the san juan islands which is just about the best...i've never been kayaking before and it was really cool...among other things, there was also a boat trip to an island and fireworks off the beach on saturday night...

the boybarians were in heaven...

obviously, i survived and as i mentioned above, even *gasp* enjoyed it...i'd be a total curmudgeon not to have....good to know i haven't made it quite that far down the ladder of life just yet...BUT i could have done without all the singing...before breakfast, before lunch, before and after dinner...oh my good god it was the only time i regretted not having smuggled the flask...

all in all it was great and i would do it again...really, i would...probably in a few years...maybe...it's gonna take me awhile to get all that good natured clap along cheeriness out of my system enough to *appreciate* it fully again...

the duke has been waiting to be old enough to go to this summer camp for a few years now and his time has finally come...we drop him off at the bus next monday at 7 am and he's got a whole week in paradise...

he's beyond excited and i'm totally thrilled he gets the opportunity...summer camp was designed for a kid like him...and really, there's nowhere else we would want him to go...

he's so cute...he was going around from activity to activity just being the duke and getting to know the staff...he'd tell them all he's gonna be back in a week and all that kinda stuff...he'd say hi and call them by name if he saw them around...they'd say hi back and a few would remember his name...

a real people person, that one...i'm exhausted just thinking about it...

anyhow, at some point he says to me all proudly and somewhat smugly

"it seems like a lot of people already know me...like they already know my name"

"um, honey, look down"

and there on his chest was the name tag he wore all weekend and forgot about...

but, at least they know him...

in other somewhat but not really related news...well, i think i've mentioned before how the duke occasionally wets the bed...it turns out that he has decided that overnight protection would be a good idea at camp and i bought a pack of goodnights...(dear duke, when you finally read this years from now please accept my apology and i promise not to share this information with anyone you plan to sleep with...well, i'll try not to anyway...love, your mother...p.s. before you say anything and get all irate and pissy ((pardon the pun)), just remember how long i was in labor with you and all the wonderful things i have done for you such as baking each one of your birthday cakes from scratch...THEME cakes i might add...INCLUDING that one i made that was actually the yellow submarine complete with john, paul, george, and ringo?...okay, love you sweetie!)

anyhow, so we thought trying them out this weekend at camp would be a good idea...since the boybarians were sharing luggage, and we're keeping the whole thing on the downlow, i put the goodnights (they resemble pull ups, but more like underwear) in my own bag...

all goes well, we get home, and sunday night at bedtime he gets one from the bag in the bathroom...he goes up to get ready for bed while wingman brushes his teeth...then they switch...wingman goes up to get ready and quickly comes back down...

"hey, duke, why is there a diaper on my bed!"

and he's holding up the offending item like it was used and making a face...the duke was in the bathroom and didn't hear him...so i quickly snatched it out of his hand and said

"ooohhhh, that must be your cousin's...they must have left it here"

"noooooo, because i saw we have a whole bag in the bathroom"

no flies on him...

so i just ignored his questions and quickly changed the subject and distracted him with picking books and tucking him in...

i told the duke what had happened and the duke said he didn't care if wingman knew...but in the end decided not to tell him they were his in case wingman brought it up to other people he didn't want to know...the matter was dropped all around...

soooooo, to make a long and uninteresting story only slightly less boring, the next day wingman wanted his shoes...so i told him to look in his and the duke's bag from camp because it hadn't been unpacked yet...the thing is, my bag and their bag are identical...so, of course he mistook the two and looked in my bag...

he's looking in my bag and just as i say

"no, that's my bag"

he pulls out the remaining pair of goodnights...out of my bag...

he's holding them up, pulling at them a bit, he's not stupid and he knows roughly what they are for...then he looks me...see where i'm going with this?...do i even need to say it?...

the kid looks at the goodnights, remembers my hurry to drop the matter that they aren't the duke's blah blah blah and has just retrieved them from my bag...

he just gives me a really weird look, drops them and mutters something as he leaves the room...

yup...my child thinks i wear diapers...

nope...i did not tell him the truth...

at least if he blabs to anyone about it they won't believe him and i can just laugh it off in that oh aren't kids funny kinda way...which sucks because a child shouldn't be dismissed in such a way...well, unless he's trying to tell everyone i wear diapers...

which i don't. okay.

this way the duke is protected (even though all of you know...good lord it's a house of cards...) and i've got a story to share...

and apparently, so does wingman...

x.

my dirty little secret...

okay, so i've been keeping something from y'all because i just don't know how to break it to you...

but the time has come so here goes...

it's not important how it came to be, but just that it is...

i am going to ymca family camp this weekend.

camp.

as in cabins, and hikes, and activities, and meals, and campfires, and lanyards...

camp.

only i'm not 17 and a counselor like last time (which if you haven't been 17 and a counselor at camp ever in your life i'd have to say you are missing out)...this is family camp...as in you and your family go to camp and do all the things campers do only you're old and flabby and cantankerous and bitchy and you do it all together and there are other families there doing it all together too...as in you and your family, and this is the *BEST* part, you and your family

SHARE A CABIN WITH ANOTHER FAMILY.

oh. my. god.

i am not twelve...i'm like a hundred and thirty seven!!...with back issues and insomnia!!...there are many an evening i barely like to sleep around my own family let alone a family of strangers!!

good lord, can you imagine?...because, unfortunately, i can...

and quite frankly, it's not pretty...

who thinks up this kinda stuff and then furthermore thinks it's a good idea?!...it's like my worst nightmare!...only it's three days and two nights long...it's like it was put on this god forsaken earth just to piss me off and force me to *face* that that i loathe as some sort of personal challenge that needs overcoming...sounds a LOT like my first husband and we all know how THAT turned out! (well maybe *we* don't, but i got divorced so you get the point...but, i digress)...

it's practically an intervention and i'm the schmuck in the middle of the room on the folding chair...

i told my sister...

she said "you can't do that"

as in i am unable...

i told my mom

she said "you can't do that"

as in i am unable...

i told my best friend...

she said "uh, what?"

then they all went on with phrases like "comfort zone" "don't even like people" "group hugs" and there was a lot of loud general guffawing at my expense...

when we first got the info packet i was looking at the map of the camp and i looked at the lord of the ring and said

"um, yeah, i don't see the cocktail lounge listed on the map"

then he laughed and looked at me with the oh isn't she funny and charming look he's been giving me since we met because he's either completely nuts or he's heavily medicated...

yeah, ha. ha.

so then i decided on my own, but oddly enough backed up by the advice of my sister my mother and my best friend, to pack a flask...

who needs friends when you have family who are so willing to not only enable but encourage!!

sure it seems tacky and escapist and suggests a lot about the true nature and actual depth of my character flaws, but um, group singalongs at the campfire?...

enough said...

then i'm reading the packet and it says what to bring what not to blah blah blah

HELP MAKE CAMP DRUG AND ALCOHOL FREE.

good. lord. who *are* these people???!!!!!

this just keeps getting better and better...

so tomorrow we're off...

and really, despite the snark and the horror of what i am about to embark upon, i am looking forward to it *because* it is *family* camp...

i love my family, i love the outdoors, i loved camp (as a 17 year old!, but whatever)...and it just so happens it's in one of the most beautiful places literally on earth...

i resign myself to the fact that i will love it no matter what...

BUT.

but, the first person who tries to goad me into a skit gets it in the lanyard...

x.

happy summer solstice!!

well, in theory anyway...

the first day of summer and it's still gloomy out here in the pacific northwest...

it could be worse, i know...but i reserve the right to whine about the mundane...we've all got to exercise our gifts...

speaking of which, the following conversation took place between the duke and i this morning...

me, at the sink...him, at the table under the pretense of doing his latin work, but really practicing the art of talking non-stop about whatever at a *really* annoying and not found in nature pitch and then expecting you to not only pay attention but to also respond...

me: "are you trying to get my goat?"

the duke: "i try to make it a priority"

indeed.

then when he was done with his work he started to work on a book he has chosen to call dimwitted tales...

good lord i do hope he's not writing his tell all about me yet...i thought i'd have more time!!

well, we've got piano and errands and chores and the like so i'm off to enjoy SUMMER!!!

good thing i never packed away my fleece...

x.

when a plan backfires...

the whole reason i co-slept with and extended nursed the boybarians was to create an unshakable core of inner happiness to facilitate and insure independence and autonomy...

yeah, not so much...at least not at night...i can't keep wingman out of our bed after about 11 each night and the duke wants to come in about 3 every morning to *snuggle*...

wingman likes to sleep on my head whereas the duke likes to attach himself to my side...not unlike a limpet...

as you can imagine, this is a sucky way to spend one's sleeping hours...and please understand i use the term *sleep* very loosely...yawn..

and this morning when i broached the subject with wingman about needing to stay in his own bed at night he just said

"fine...for now...but i am sleeping with you when i'm big!"

so it's true...you can trace an adult's deviant tendencies right back to the mother...

x.

blimey!

so i've been reading don quixote...oh for the last frickin' month or so...

sod it, this is a HUGE book!

see, i had no idea because i have been laboring under the illusion all these years that i had already read it...ha ha ha, yeah not so much...

so when i realized i hadn't already read it i got all sweaty and anxious and went to the library straight away!! (sorry, i've read three books in a row set in the u.k....all jammy dodgers and fags and the like)...

um, yeah, it's 940 pages!!...blimey!!

so i'm a good bit into it and i LOVE it...it's funny and tragic and everything i thought it was when i thought i had already read it...

BUT i simply can't finish it...at least not in one sitting...it's gonna have to be a bits and pieces kinda thing...

which kinda bums me out...without acting all clever clogs i mean i am an avid and voracious reader and it is one of the classics...and yet the decision to not finish it in one sitting makes me doubt my intelligence...

i'm no rocket scientist, but i think i'm a fairly intelligent bird...i mean i do the crossword in pen for bloody sakes!!...sure, sure, it's the people magazine crossword but that lot can be HARD!

(note to self, knock off the brit lit for awhile)

seriously, it's not about content but about length...that cervantes had some serious time on his hands...

but, i encourage any of you who haven't read it to do so...it's worth it even if you only read a bit...

and if anyone can adequately explain to me what exactly a *jammy dodger* is i'd be perfectly sorted and bob's your uncle!

x.

beach bitch...

so we went to the beach yesterday to enjoy a brief visit from the sun...

you know, it really only takes a few hours, hell minutes, in the company of joe public to really wonder about the state of humanity...

first we get all settled while we witness a pack of ravens picking apart the lunch of some yahoo who just spread their stuff all over the sand and took a walk...that was pleasant...

but wait, what's that?...oh good, i thought i was enjoying a bit too much of the beautiful puget sound air and just in the nick of time we get a pack of chain smokers to take the edge off...whew...

and right on cue arrives the loud family with mrs. loud providing the soundtrack the other family members jam to...screaming and hollering at the whole family at the top of her lungs like she's in her own back yard...whew, i thought it was way too quiet...

then of course you get the pack of kids herded by a random couple of adults screaming as the pack runs to the water because you know, we're at the BEACH!!

"HEY!! HEY!!! DON'T GET WET!!! I MEAN IT, GUYS!! STAY AWAY FROM THE WATER!!"

and of course to top it all off here come the two huge dogs off leash bounding down to the water in and out of all the kids while the owner is god knows where...

i realize of course that i am a bitch...but good lord...this is one of the most beautiful spots on earth...the puget sound ringed with mountains...it's a gorgeous day...and i'm sharing all this natural beauty and wonder with the studio audience of the jerry springer show...

we might as well have been at the grotty reservoir we used to go to when i was a kid...god what a cess pool that was...

oh, and don't even get me started on the kid next to us...her voice could have aged copper in a day...

the boybarians, however, had the time of their life...they dug holes and played in the water and rolled in the sand and made sand castles...

of course i don't say a word about the people around us to them...they get to be children and see the world the way they choose to see it...i choose not to plague them with my obviously deranged and skewed view of the world and keep my observations to myself...

i hope they learn to see the world more through the optimistic and more cheerful eyes of their father...in other words, i sincerely hope they don't inherit my jaundiced eye and pervasive bitchiness...that would be unfortunate...

besides, i don't think i could take the competition...

x.

all good things must come to an end...

what!!

you're telling me this is the LAST morning i get to get up at the crack of dawn to stand in the chilly gloom that passes for early summer in the pacific northwest with a buncha yahoos to watch the exercise in futility that is t-ball all the while hoping the bitchy coach's wife just says one. more. thing. to cross the line so i can take her down just for an outlet and hope like hell all the while the duke won't beg me *once* for the gourmet delight that is known as the *pancake dog* from the concession stand?

what?!? really, i don't get to do this again this season?

wow, you really don't know what you've got until it's gone...

i'll need a moment...

x.

el duque...

the other day the duke says to me

"hey mama, maybe my nickname should be el duque (du-kay)...like orlando hernandez (baseball player)"

"oh, really"

"yeah, it means the duke"

indeed.

he doesn't read the blog but apparently he lives inside my head...such a charming trait...

anyhow, recently i've made a horrific discovery about the duke...

it seems, and i don't know how to break this to you all, but it seems that the duke DETESTS writing!...i know, i know, i haven't quite recovered from the initial shock of it all myself...

this year we added writing to the curriculum and after a year he finally breaks it to me...well, he didn't so much as *break* it too me as shout out in complete and utter frustration

"I CANNOT STAND WRITING!! IT IS MY LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT!! I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN!!"

wow, such strong language from such a young boy...

sigh...

anyhow, too bad for him i've already ordered the next writing program...just wait till he has to do it in latin...heh heh heh...

of course i understand children cannot possibly enjoy all of the things that their parents do...(wince...i don't even want to think about that)...it's just that i love writing so much...i know, you wouldn't know it by my little absence from here as of late, but i do...the whole bit...

and the duke, obviously not so much...

it's funny because i saw that he didn't care for the actual composition part each time he worked on a specific assignment, but i just thought it was the time involved...poor kid...i SO know how it feels trying to come up with something creative and then get it to paper...

in other news, life is good here at the big red house...some days it seems like life will go on exactly as it has forever, other days it seems like it could all change in an instant...

but always, the bickering between the boybarians is the thread that keeps it all together...

i suppose there is something to be said for consistency...

x.

happy friday!

in the car the other day the following conversation took place between the lord of the ring and myself...i was chewing gum and being snarky and the lord of the ring said

"i am of the firm belief that chewing gum changes one's personality"

"yeah, how so?"

"it makes them cocky and aggressive"

"good lord it's not vodka"

so it's friday which means doughnuts...only this morning the new rule made by the lord of the ring is that if you want friday morning doughnuts you have to actually go on the doughnut run...

this rule was made for the duke who's made a friday morning habit of placing an order for a doughnut and then sitting around watching thirteen year old quiz shows on t.v. waiting for the doughnut to arrive...

so even after the new rule he said he didn't want to go and that he didn't care about getting a doughnut...which i know is a lie, he does care or will when wingman comes home with a ring of maple frosting around his mouth...

but for some reason lately the duke has decided to be contrary about nearly every facet of his life so missing out on the doughnut and pretending it doesn't bug him seems par for the course...

and come to think of it, that kid chews a lot of gum...good lord, it's going to be a long adolescence...

meanwhile as the lord of the ring and wingman were leaving i heard wingman say

"let's get the duke a maple bar"

"i'm not getting him anything...if you don't come you don't get a doughnut"

"then i'll get him something"

little sweetie...the duke bugs the shit out of him daily in the most annoying ways possible but wingman still doesn't want him to miss out on a doughnut...

he's either just another adoring little brother or he's on a campaign to fatten his brother up...then when he finally gets the chance to beat the shit out of him for all those years of big brother torture the duke won't be so bony and angular...which i hear can he hard on the fist...

anyhow, moving right along you will be happy to know the tree is gone and the lilacs are fine...one branch got broken but for the most part all is well...

so once again my irrational freak-out was all for naught...but hey, there's something to be said for consistancy...

and now there is a cup of coffee a book and a seat at the picnic table outside with my name on them...

enjoy your friday...

x.

if a tree falls on your lilac bush and your husband is in the room he DOES hear about it!

okay so maybe it wasn't the whole tree...

see we have this big old dead maple with the center completely rotted out tree that serves no purpose other than as a highway for the squirrels who live in our attic and to give me heart attacks during wind storms...

so we have had it on the books to get it removed for some time now...so we hired our wood guy to do it one weekend and he said sure!...

that was in january...

and just like out of a "i bought a house in tuscany and you wouldn't believe how things get done here it's harrowing and yet charming and hopefully it will be made into a movie!!" memoir he shows up this morning out of the blue with two trucks and three guys and a chainsaw...

i was in the living room giving the duke his spelling test when i heard

whump!

i called to the lord of the ring who was at the kitchen table

"wow, was that the tree?"

"naw, but a pretty big branch!"

"wow, where did it land?"

"on one of the lilac bushes"

i thought he was kidding because he said it so casually and he knows how i feel about the lilacs...pretty much we bought the lilacs and the hundred year old house just happened to come with them...

emotional house purchasing is a lot like emotional eating, only way more expensive...

i raced to the window and i literally felt the wind go out and i couldn't speak...i know it looks worse than it will turn out to be...but right now i just feel sad and sick...and i'm sure the lord of the ring is keeping out of my way because OF COURSE somehow in the grand scheme of things that started with adam and eve and the apple, i *sort of* made *verbal intimations* that this was all somehow his fault...

it's not really, OF COURSE...but when i'm upset and fearful i am irrational and i'm snarky and i'm bitchy...okay, let's be honest, i'm like that as a normal course...so you can only imagine what it's like when something really happens!

all this directed towards the sweet man who looked at me yesterday and said "i married you the moment i met you"

really, it was meant as a compliment...

poor guy.

that tree could take us all out, house and all if it came down wrong...i know that...it needs to go...in the meantime i should go because i don't think i can take it...

i'll let you know what survives...and i promise no matter what to not blame the lord of the ring and that he will be among the surviving...

x.

happy birthday to the duke!!!

today the duke of fun turns 9!

which means he started getting up at 4:30 am scouting out gifts and getting ready for the day...

yawn...

one clock radio a subscription to sports illustrated for kids and a pack of baseball cards later he's as happy as a clam...

he's been wanting a clock radio forever...it's such a funny thing...but i totally remember when i got a clock radio as a kid and i took it with me when i left home...and amazingly i just replaced it last year with a new one!

anyhow, the prize gift after all that is he gets to go to the video arcade in the big city with his papa this morning and play to his heart's content...the kid is practically vibrating with excitement...

and for dinner he's requested pancakes pickles and watermelon...good lord have you ever noticed pregnant women and nine year old boys have the same taste in food?...

enjoy your day and i'll give him a little birthday squeeze from y'all...

x.

she is risen...

well, that was fun...since i left you last i have been as sick as a dog...a really really sick dog...fever, throat, lungs, stomach...you name it it hurt...

at one point i was so sick i just cried...but i am getting better...slowly, but getting there...

i still sound like harvey fierstein after a carton of cigarettes, but normally so does my grandma billie for that matter so that's just a family thing i guess...

besides the pitiful crying jags, the worst part is the coughing...

oh. my. god.

i mean if it was that awful wet old hacking up bits of lung cough i could deal with it...at least it would be getting me somewhere...you know, productive in a disgusting plague-like but mildly reassuring way...

but no...no, this is that intermittent throat tearing shallow dry cough that makes my head explode in pain...not productive at all...unless you count the pee it produces...because after two big old babies shacking up and then moving out the nether regions some muscles aren't quite up to the challenge of the sustained cough...

anyhow, moving right along...hopefully another few days and i'll be up to snuff...in the meantime the duke is headed where i was so i'm trying to keep him from total annihilation...

the lord of the ring in the meantime has been babying the beast trying to coax her back into life...it seems my truck has decided it has a sticky choke or something like that...i don't know i wasn't really listening as i was too busy fighting for my life and trying not to pee my pants...

anyway, so because often our life is kept so *interesting* with the ever presence of bad timing, it turns out he had just taken his car in for some suspension work and then bam! the beast goes belly up it's a holiday weekend...

i don't know what he did but he did it in the rain and i am hearing signs of life out front...my man...

maybe my truck and i have some symbiotic bond or something like that...like i go down and so does the beast...i just hope it doesn't extend too far...at some point the beast is gonna need a little rear end work and i don't want to have any part of that!...buh dump bump...

ah see, even slightly back from the brink of death and i can still be funny...it's a gift from god i tell ya...not as good as the gift of not peeing when you cough, but hey, you take what you can get and learn to cross your legs extra tight...

'course if i had done that in the first place i wouldn't be peeing when i coughed...

x.

the logic stage...

"mama, i didn't hit him i just pushed him in the face with my fist!"

a string of this kind of logic coupled with a cruddy throat thingy and i think i just may be done for for the next few...

i shall return, hopefully sans a certain boybarian if i can get the damn gypsies on the phone...

wish me luck...

better yet, perhaps it's the duke you should be wishing that luck to...

x.

out of the way, it's a busy day...

aack!

sorry i didn't get here sooner to let you know about wingman's oral sedation yesterday...i am so busy and frazzled with projects and whatnot...mostly whatnot which for being not much sure takes up a LOT of time!

anyhow, more this weekend but it went GREAT!...way better than expected! :) :) :)...

i expect your thoughts and good vibes did their job and did it well...

more later, enjoy your evening...

x.