the coolest girl in the room.

recently i reconnected and met up with an old friend. someone who knew me very well before i was fully formed. before i was me.

needless to say, it was interesting to see how all these years later some things had changed, but really mostly stayed the same.

i maintain that time and distance do nothing for the true love of good friendship, and for who we really are deep down inside.

anyhow, one of the things that got discussed was me. you know, my favorite topic.

but not just me, how we all are when we're young. what we think is important, how we take a LOT for granted, how we just. don't. know. and it's only in hindsight that we come the the "ah ha" moment about what was really going on.

so one of the things i came away with was how i acted all those years ago. so bold and brash, all knowing, completely untethered yet willing to try, and then just getting assholy when the trying didn't work. and in looking back on it i realized that all these years i've had a certain view of those years. i've just been willing to excuse some of my behavior as well i was young and i thought i knew what i was doing.

and i was. there's no harm in that.

BUT

i have finally come to realize that largely i was always just trying to be the coolest girl in the room. okay, not always. i mean, i have to believe that i really was cool sometimes and not just trying. i was also genuine and thoughtful and loving. i had moments of amazing even. not everything was a set up, a stage.

but some of it was. the weaker moments. the ones that court deep chagrin. the asshole moments.

i just didn't have a lot of tools for bridging the gap that would occasionally come up. the gap in relationships, the gap in life, the gap in the path and it's just too big a leap and you have no. fucking. clue.

i didn't know then that just being yourself, not the made up version, but the real one will always get you through. for better or worse, you get through and you move on. i didn't know that you can be strong and still have vulnerability and that that's okay. better even.

i look back on that girl and i just want to shake her. see here! see when you did this! see when you said that! what an ass! get that smirk off your face and speak from your heart not from the scared girl spot! DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE!

and for god's sake QUIT SUCKING IN YOUR ABS! YOU WEIGH 120 POUNDS AND HAVE A 24 INCH WAIST YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH!

sorry. was i shouting?

i want to say to her honey, you don't have to be the coolest girl in the room. you just have to be you.

i know that now. all these years later i get it. and yes, i look back and cringe. and yes, i am embarrassed. and a little sad.

but even given all that, would i really go back and stop it? i don't think so. because i have to believe that it happened just as it should have. and that given a chance i likely wouldn't have changed a thing. because here i am. all these years later i am me. and pardon the self absorption, but i really feel like i am the coolest girl in the room. this room. the room of my life. these interior walls built with love and family, with my life's work, with all the attendant hopes and dreams and fears and reality. the good the bad and the truly ugly. i am me heart body and soul. i could never be this cool as a younger lass.

and even if i was, even if i found that lesson at 21, 22, 23, when i THOUGHT i had, well i can't say it would have led me here at 37 basking in it. truly basking in the fubar that life is.

we all have the steps on our paths. we can jump about and move them around and roll our eyes at some of them, but they will eventually all be taken.

whether we like them or not. at 22 or 37.

and i sure am happy that i'm not trying to be the coolest girl in the room right now. it would be awfully hard to pretend to know everything when i know that i don't. it would be hard to think that being an asshole would be the way to get what you want, or to mask the vulnerability.

and it would be really hard with all this fuckin' gray hair. which i think i might be coming to love. but don't quote me on that!

i have recently found that life just is. stripped down and laid bare all you've got is yourself and the interior room you've built around you. the rest is fleeting, and can go at any moment.

and while i loved that girl with a passion and wouldn't have traded my years with her for anything, i am so glad she's not driving this ship.

x.

you know it's going to be a long day when...

1. when you get woken up by a question shouted up the stairs to you, EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE, YOU KNOW, SLEEPING

"mama! what's a larvae?"

2. when you've resorted to forcing your child to pretend he is stranded on a desert island, WITHOUT HIS MOTHER, and therefore must answer EVERY SINGLE QUESTION HIMSELF.

the information booth is closed.

the end of the school year is coming. not soon enough, but coming nonetheless. and if i remember anything from being a school aged lass myself, the wigglies are setting in. the mind of a child is not built for ignoring the shining sun, the chirping birds, a world just outside the door waiting to be enjoyed.

so i am easing up here and there on the schedule in favor of finishing just that little bit earlier each day, making just a little bit more room in the schedule for less scholarly pursuits.

mainly this just means they will go outside and play a game that's called "green ball catch." this is a game played with a ball that is neither green any more and in fact is currently on it's third round of duct tape, nor is it "catch" as much as it's a complicated version of baseball. and involves hurling the ball as hard and as fast as one can against the body of the other one.

as you can imagine it's great fun.

until they start arguing.

which starts about 5 minutes in.

and they want you to sit there and watch the WHOLE thing.

while they are simultaneously filming it.

a film they will insist that you watch later that day.

even though, and probably especially because, you were there for the real thing.

good times.

and well worth cutting out the extra language review and poem study for.

x.

friday.

so i threw my neck out this morning.

it's been so long since i have it was just weird. like, what's that! ouch! oh, yeah.

after 20 years of dealing with chronic neck issues i finally discovered physical therapy. yeah, that was fun.

BUT

it taught me about strengthening my other muscles, especially my core, and how by doing so would help my neck issues.

and, it worked!

i mean i'm not "cured" or anything, just suffer less.

and now i know the one sure thing that throws my neck out is an over the head hands clasped stretch when i first wake up.

which i did today.

ouch.

so i iced and did the ibuprofen and arnica yadda yadda yadda.

problem is i HAVE to drive today. have to. the duke has a special practice on one end of the county and wingman has a game on the other end. since they are both at the same time, the lord of the ring and i both have to drive.

hats off to all you single parents out there. forget all the rest of the shit you must deal with, the transportation maneuvering alone must be a bitch.

well, as you can imagine, driving is the WORST on a neck or back injury. and my choices are not very good for a car that won't be "so bad" to drive.

i have the 20 year old tuna can, a fine sporty car, but also a stick. in fact, oddly enough, i was driving this car the very first time my neck really went out. it had always threatened to over the years, but it finally did so in this car.

or i have THE BEAST.


you all know i love the beast. she is, and will remain, the shit.

but when you have a neck injury, driving the beast is a lot like walking a pack of pit bulls. the sheer weight of the vehicle coupled with the converted v8 engine makes it one hell of a ride.

unless, of course, you are in pain.

which i am.

and i really don't think my evening pain cure for a thrown neck, whiskey straight up and keep it comin', is really going to do while performing my chauffeur duties.

so. i will pack my ice pack, throw back the ibuprofens, and just pray no one makes any sudden vehicular moves in my direction while getting the duke to practice and back.

boy, there's a sentence that just caps off my parenting career thus far quite nicely don't you think?

x.

your moment(s) of zen.

i believe in every one's right to their own opinion. think what you want! just because i have one opinion or belief that i think is right doesn't mean that it's right for everyone.

i believe that and i honor that.

and that's what makes the world so interesting!

but you know, just don't be a complete ass about it. because that's where you lose me.

it is in that spirit i bring you today's moment(s) of zen. it's about 6-7 minutes of keith olbermann doing what he does best. telling you how it is and making you laugh out loud while doing so.

enjoy!

x.

not a new topic, just another post about it.

there are some days when you just feel everything so acutely. like the actual passage of each minute is felt right on the heart and beats in the palm of your hand.

i think this is especially true when you have children.

when i look at my kids i see so much. oh, the usual visual signs. wingman has grown nearly an inch since january and desperately needs new baseball cleats. the duke looks like he's about a minute from just bursting fully forth into adolescence.

but it's the other things, too. like the way wingman sets his lips when he's trying to be a little dramatic. like checking his watch, he'll do that to mask the fact that it takes him a little while to understand what time it really is. he makes a big show of it, getting a laugh. all the while he's trying to decipher the hands and remember which tells the minute and which tells the hour. he thinks i don't know this is why he does that lip thing.

and he does this now, but i can very well see a day when he won't. not only will he not do it anymore because telling time will become second nature, but also he'll just forget to remember that it was his "thing." and he'll find something new, something more age appropriate as he ages, something different as his dramatic affectation. he is, after all, the younger brother, the baby, and does have a certain responsibility in that area.

and the duke being so close to becoming a very different person for awhile, maybe forever, as he approaches such a huge physical and mental change. part of me feels the want we both have to just stave it off a bit. while the other part of me is interested in knowing who the young man inside of the boy is. and i suspect the duke is intrigued, too.

but i know that standing at that precipice does have the potential to cease to be as "intriguing," and perhaps even become a challenge. or even a struggle as he actually falls headlong into it. for both of us.

and i'm always amazed how life can move so slowly when you're waiting on the big things. the what ifs. the decisions that may make or break you. the miracles you seek, or try to make.

but for the biggest things of all, the most important and in my case my children, life just moves so fast. too fast. and there just doesn't seem to be as much time as you want.

and one would think that being home together all day might give an advantage in that area. but i don't think so. because in between being the mother and the teacher and the chief cook and bottle washer time gets sucked up. and there are some days i forget to look up, to look around.

and when i think to look up, i realize that wingman has grown nearly an inch since january and the duke is about one minute from becoming an adolescent.

this is the stuff they don't write about in the parenting books. at least none i've ever read. sure, they tell you what you can expect in terms of growth and change at each stage of life, sometimes they even delve into the emotional landscape at different ages.

they just never tell you that with that growth and change there is this acute awareness that all of it is a means to an end of sorts. that in your mind and in your heart they are always your babies, but not so in theirs.

that while they are growing, for the parent it's a growing away, and for the child it's a growing towards.

at least for me it is. because while i celebrate them getting bigger and growing older, i know i'm the only one in the parent child relationship who finds the whole thing terribly bittersweet. and some days wholly and completely heartbreaking. they forget to tell you that in the books.

good lord! i think i've just stumbled on the very reason for the existence of small, well dressed dogs in the life of the empty nester.

/shudder.

in other news, NEW WINE BLOG TONIGHT! woo hoo! i'd give you a hint but you'd just laugh and think i've finally lost it. (which may or may not be true) so you'll have to tune in and see for yourself.

x.

why i love the duke of fun.

all right, so i know i said i wouldn't be writing about the duke so much now that he's 12 and he should have his right to privacy and his life should no longer be public fodder.

BUT

i will break that rule to share the following with you. because #1 it isn't about him as much as it's illustrating how amusing he is all. the. freakin'. time. you know, except when he's being a 12 year old first born son to an over doting mother taurus king of the world pain in the ass. and #2 because as a mother i'm allowed to make rules and break them. whenever i want. it's one of the perks.

so yesterday i noticed something propped up against the door. i opened it up to find a long cardboard box addressed to me. there was no return address, and so i was confused as to what it was or who it was from as i brought it inside.

and because we're all here all day long, together, the four of us, all day long, three meals, two snacks, one shared space, all day long and into the night until we get the brief respite of sleep, well, when someone brings a box into the kitchen you can imagine it's a huge deal. like when they discovered fire, or, you know, public school. or an office outside of the house. just sayin' is all.

"i don't know what this is or who sent it"

and right then the duke comes in from the back on his way upstairs and says in passing

"looks like that rifle you ordered finally came, mama"

and then kept going.

and that's why i love him. the king of the one liners. dry, hilarious, and aptly timed.

if i had half his gift, well, i don't think i could handle half his gift.

but there is a teeny tiny part of me that likes to believe he's a chip off the ol' block. or, at the very least, that i haven't fucked him up too badly.

and the box? the box was filled with a humongous bouquet of my very favorite flower from my very best friend in honor of mother's day.

and yes, i cried.

x.

he will break your heart.

so wingman got some new shoes.

he's been wanting new shoes for awhile, but his still fit and i'm a cheap ass bastard and will only get my kids shoes if they need them. and one pair at a time. it's a good thing i didn't have girls.

anyhow, so he finally needed them and we headed to the shoe store.

two things here;

1. wingman has THE worst taste in shoes. seriously. he's not the snappiest dresser to begin with, but the shoes!!! oy.

2. and when did kids shoes get so freakin' expensive! i know i sound old and curmudgeonly but my god you've got to be kidding me! i'd really like to know where i was when this all happened!

so we're shopping and i'm gently steering him away from the crap. which even at 8 years old he's drawn to. just because, you know, he's 8.

okay right now i need to stop and interject something. i do not and have never let my kids get character shoes. ever.

not even when they were really small. ever.

they always ask me why and i always say because they are made poorly and i'd rather spend my money on something that lasts longer.

but really it's because i am a terrible snob and think they are horrible and ugly. they are tacky and they make me want to break into some hivey ol' sweat.

it's fine if you do it and i don't judge your kids. really. but i can't.

and i let my kids be who they are and wear what they want. but i drew that line early on and just let them think it's because i'm cheap. but really it's because I HAVE SOME TASTE.

and trust me, i am fully aware that by denying my children the opportunity to wear character shoes as children, will just insure that they will be the grown adult men wearing the disney/looney tunes/winnie the pooh character sweatshirt/denimn shirt/hat.

we never miss a step on the path. even the tacky ones.

so he finally spies the shoes he wants. and after 8 years of wearing skate shoes and sambas he is now wearing...running shoes? who is he, seinfeld?

but that's what he chose. running shoes. they are silvery and have a cool sole and he's all in love with them. he says they make him feel tall and bouncy and now he can run even faster.

fine. they are a good shoe and he loves them.

flash forward to a few days later.

it was the end of the evening and i was headed upstairs when something caught my eye on the buddha shelf.

you remember the buddha shelf?

okay, so underneath where buddha sits there's a little shelf. and there was a hint of something silvery. and i bent down in the relative dark of the living room and i saw, neatly placed, with laces tucked in, a pair of silvery running shoes. sized wingman.

he loves those shoes SO much he stores them on the buddha shelf.

as a parent your heart goes to pieces a lot. more than you ever think. and usually when you least expect it. and it's those little unexpected piercings that just get you the most.

wingman is a pure soul. everything he does and everything he is comes from what is centered right in his exact middle. his heart, his gut, his soul, it's all right there in the same spot and it controls everything.

and as we grow and get bigger and our bodies stretch our exact middle becomes blurred. and then there is no exact middle. your heart is one place, your gut another, your soul anywhere and everywhere in your body.

and then you spend your entire adult life trying to squeeze those things back closer together. trying to get that exact middle directing everything once more.

trying to be 8 again when everything is possible and special.

and new shoes are stored in a sacred spot because they are that special, too.

x.

oh, and p.s. the duke played the ENTIRE game last night. off the bench and at 2nd base for all the innings. go duke!

birth order is the original bitch.

last week at wingman's ball game i was by myself. the duke had an extra practice that he had to be at and the lord of the ring took him. so i sat on the bleachers on the left at the top nearly in the corner.

a few minutes before game time an older man came and sat on the top bleacher. 4 feet from me.

can i say that there wasn't any one else on the top bleacher? in fact, there weren't very many people in the bleachers at all. and they are a big set of bleachers!

okay, whatever, no big deal. there's space but he likes that spot. so fine.

so we're watching the game and all of a sudden his adult daughter joins him. and does she sit to the right of him, where there is a whole bleacher? no, she sits to the left of him! next to me. so that means, at this point, there's like a space and a half in between us. so i'm thinking, all right, that's weird. but maybe they have different space issues. meaning NONE at all. but whatever. my stuff is here. i like this seat. i'll just stay.

then, and you know where i'm going with this, the mother joins them. loudly. and all huggy.

"ohhh, hi mom. i didn't think you'd make it!"

"well, it ended early. oh, honey, you're all skin and bones."

"oh, i don't think so."

"oh, i do."

not skinny enough i say. if she were i might have more room.

so then the mother goes to sit. and does she sit next to the father on the right side? NO! she sits in between her husband and daughter!

so the daughter shifts over and there is now a half a spot in between us! that's all of less than 12 inches! like maybe 8 inches! which would be fine if we were friends, relatives, came together, or, you know, even knew each other.

so fine. i gather up all my stuff (purse, coffee cup, jacket, phone) and move down two bleachers.

and then when the game was over i found out they didn't even have a kid on our team. they were from the other team. but they didn't like the view from the other bleachers.

indeed.

then yesterday in yoga i got there early. imagine my surprise when i saw a ton of people already there! it was already crowded and there was someone in my usual spot. and i have never even seen her before so it was annoying but i searched out another.

so the only spots left were against the wall in the back or in the exact middle of the room. the crowded middle. so it wasn't even much of a spot.

i went to the back wall spot and set up my stuff. then this one woman and then the token man come in and got all confused because this is "their" spot. whatever. they've been in class, what? a month? two? they don't even know each other but they were sure banded together in their whining!

oh. my. god. the handwringing! the hemming! and hawing! can i say i've been in this yoga class way longer than them! find a new spot. get over it. i did.

and there was still one spot left against the wall. and one farther over by the door. a spot many people have used many times. and it's not bad because no one is going in and out of the door and there's no light that shines right overhead. and then the guy is all

"oh, i guess i'll put my stuff here by the door." complete with a big sigh.

oh, boo hoo, soft serve. it's not gitmo for cryin' out loud. i've been by the door plenty of times. get over it. and, then i hear from him

"wow, it's really crowded today. it's hard to think of not being by the back wall."

"i know. i sure like the security of the back wall."

then to me kind of annoyed and in a sort of commanding tone a teacher might use with a student

"um, could you move down an inch?"

"or two?"

yeah. sure. i could. but then i'd be lunging right into the ass of the 80 year old woman in front of me. no thanks.

"i'll tell you what! how about i move to the middle? and you guys can have the whole back wall?"

"oh, could you?!?"

"that would be great!"

"we need the security of the wall!"

"yeah! we don't like everyone looking at us!"

"well, just so you know, i don't particularly care for it either. but, i'll take one for the team on this one!"

and then i gave my fake ha ha laugh and moved before i had the chance to entertain my annoyance and act on it.

then i heard

"but you're young."

"yeah, better you than us."

and then they broke into some big hearty chuckles like it was some great thing to be all old and curmudgeonly and whiny and not funny. then busied themselves with setting up against the back wall.

and then for the rest of the class, everywhere i turned, straining, or relaxed, ass in the air, or legs splayed and crotch forward i had someone up in my grill. on all 4 sides, for all 60 minutes.

yeah.

and why did i move both times? except for being FORCED out? because i'm the middle child.

and that's just how we roll.

indeed.

x.

here in my car.

so we were driving to the ball park yesterday, again, just like we do nearly every day of the week, some days twice, when i heard the duke say as we turned a corner

"hey! that driver stopped at the light was drinking out of a wine bottle!"

to which i replied

"you're kidding?!? i doubt it was a wine bottle."

"it was, it was one of those big wine bottles!"

"well maybe it was a soda bottle?"

"mama, soda bottles aren't that big and made of green glass."

to which the lord of the ring replied

"honey, i think the kid knows what a wine bottle looks like. don't you?"

oh. yeah. he probably does.

then on the way home from the ball park, the duke was talking about a belated gift he got in the mail that day from grandma. it was a put together model of a WWII tank.

"so on the phone she said it was a german tank but it's really a sherman tank. which is way cooler because it's just like the one they have in kelly's heroes." (one of his all time favorite movies)

"well, you might have heard wrong. or she was confused. it's not like she was there."

to which the lord of the ring said

"well, she was born in ____ (exact date left out to protect the innocent) right about the end of it. but no, she wasn't there."

it was quiet for a minute then wingman piped up and said matter of factly

"grandma was born before jackie robinson broke the color barrier. and before the end of the negro league."

so there you have it. what it's like to be in the car with the sillymortalfamily. and that's not even a trip on the freeway, or any way for that matter, when i'm not driving. when i'm not in control of the car and my anxiety and fear of being a passenger kicks in high gear. which is a whole 'nother level of fun.

so if you ever need a ride somewhere, consider yourself warned.

and if you can't figure out by now how old grandma is then i can't help you.

x.

the duke of fun.

if you look to the left of this screen you will see a cast of characters. if you have any familiarity with this previously, you will notice that something has changed with the duke's status.

he is NOW 12!

and, as i previously mentioned, now that he is becoming his own young man i have vowed NOT to use him and his antics as fodder for this blog any longer.

i know, it sucks right! he's some of my best material! but i must think as a mother and not a writer on this one and respect the idea that he indeed has a choice what to share with the world at large and what not to. and that i can't make that choice for him.

it doesn't mean i won't ever write about him again, it just means i have to be respectful of his privacy and gain his permission to share him and his life with you.

BUT

i cannot just make that switch without sharing one last story!

per his request, for the duke's birthday yesterday we went to dim sum and the zoo in the big city.

so we're sitting in the same big, formally grand, and charmingly shabby restaurant we have been going to for years. since he was a baby and really only ate rice.

and we are settling in and choosing the dishes off the dim sum carts when a waitress comes up to ask if we want more tea, soup, etc.

she takes one look at wingman and says

"oh, he so handsome. so cute. how old, 7?"

"he's 8."

"oh, 8."

then she looks at the duke and gives him cursory glance and says

"what he? 9, 10?"

"um, actually he's 12 today!"

"12? really? so small. oh. big teeth, huh? like bunny rabbit."

and then she opens her mouth and points to her own teeth.

you know, just in case we didn't understand.

at this point we're all just sitting there like, okay, WTF is this? but you know, politely and pretending she's not completely insulting the duke right in front of his face on his birthday.

so the lord of the ring says

"well, he'll grow into them!"

and we hope that's that. but, of course, it isn't. she goes on and on about how when her daughter was small she had big teeth like the duke and when she was an adult she got braces, etc. etc. etc.

as you can imagine, as uncomfortable situations often will, this whole scenario went on waaaayyy too long.

the duke does have big front teeth. his jaw is still small and he will grow into them. but, he also needs braces. and the thing is, right now there is no way we can afford the cost.

to his credit, he just let it roll on by. he didn't get all upset and let it bug him.

i think he understands in this world that sometimes people feel the need to point out the obvious. like you don't know or something. or they are just filling space. or they haven't learned manners. or it's a cultural thing.

one time we were coming back from a home school activity with some other people. we were on the ferry and just tired from the activity and resting.

and this one girl, i want to say she's the duke's age but i think she might be a year or so younger, just kept staring at the duke. mind you, we've been part of the group awhile, so it's not like it's the first time she's ever seen him. and she's staring at him and then she says to the duke in front of everyone else

"you have really big teeth. like a rabbit."

and again, to the duke's credit he just stuck out his teeth exaggeratedly and started mimicking the twitching of a rabbit's mouth. and that was that.

what he didn't do was let it bug him.

and what he didn't do EVEN MORE TO HIS CREDIT is point out the fact that this little girl had terrible manners, chewed with her mouth open, was loud and obnoxious and sassy and unkind, and literally looked like she carried a beach ball under her shirt.

which is what *i* wanted to say back to her. as loud as i could and in a sassy and unkind way.

because i'm not as evolved as my (then 11 year old) son.

and i have no problem admitting it. in fact, i think that's why reproduction exists. making up for the sins of the parents and all that. you know, as long as i raise decent and respectful individuals then i can be as big of a bitch as i want and it's all canceled out. you know, like buying carbon credits. only in human form.

so happy birthday to the duke of fun!!!!

may he continue to take the world in stride. (and may i continue to learn from his example. or, you know, should i fail at that, at least appreciate him as the great equalizer.)

x.

maybe i would have felt differently if it was sting. you know from the music video?

so i was trying to find a paper i wrote about earth day 1990. i seem to remember that my college professor liked it a great deal and suggested i send it to the local paper as a sound off piece or letter to the editor.

did i? no. i was too busy canoodling with my boyfriend at the time to pay too much attention to anything else. i should have, though. dumb old boyfriends.

anyhow, i didn't find that paper but i found another one. from the school year before when i was a senior in high school. this one was about my involvement volunteering for the democratic campaign and my subsequent reaction to the presidential election of '88. you know, dukakis and the first george bush?

it was actually really good. i was impressed with my 17 year old self and the points i made. i was also impressed with how well it was written. probably because i had no dumb old boyfriend.

i did have a boyfriend briefly at the beginning of the year. the french canadian exchange student. but then he dumped me because, and i quote, "you are not popular enough."

yeah. now, imagine that in a french canadian accent. in a crowded cafeteria. by a boy who is wearing shorts made by his mother.

fucker.

but, i digress.

back to the paper. can i just say in this paper i manage to make a reference to rob lowe and his perfectly chiseled features, quote herman hesse, and put forth my opinion that bush won because he really did have more experience than dukakis and america, especially and surprisingly young america, responded to that in droves?

yes. i did.

and i got an A.

from an instructor not known for his handout of As.

though, to be fair, i did find a card years later i forgot i had. it was from this same instructor given to me that same year. and while i probably thought nothing of it at the time, you know, because i was 17, reading it later with the gimlet eye of an adult gave me pause. it was, and remained, a slightly inappropriate communique from a teacher to a teen aged female student. the words creating a bit of a portal if you will.

which gave me a bit of the eww. and then of course i called up all my friends from high school and promptly read it to them and got a collective eww. the kind of eww that can only come adolescents grossed out by an adult. because while you may leave high school, it certainly never leaves you.

so, is that why i got my A?

i sure as hell HOPE not!

i'd like to believe that i can include rob lowe, herman hesse, and george bush sr. in a high school american government paper and do it well enough to get an A.

x.

your moment(s) of zen.

today is earth day. i am going to spare you all the scary statistics, the disturbing yet enlightening photos of environmental degradation around the globe, and all the "helpful hints" and information about all the things we should be doing as citizens of the big blue marble to ensure its health and longevity.

we know what we need to do, we just need to do it. individually, collectively, in our communities and in our country. and what we don't know, we need to find out. and we need to offer our support and our resources towards that end.

so instead of all of that, i bring you a lovely video of this lovely planet we call home. a celebration of all that is good and beautiful and amazing about this planet.

when i think of my favorite places on this planet, my celebrations, i think of all the places that are so beautiful, and that i'd love to visit some day.

but mostly i think of the wind against my face on the headlands of mendocino on the northern coast of california. and the sweet grass smells of the plants there. i think about the crunch of gravel under my boot as i hike in the sierras. how the sun shines differently in california.

i think of the cool of a very early summer morning in the central valley where i grew up. before it got hot. really hot. and the smell of the miles of agriculture that surrounded my town. good smells. smells of fields and growing and life. it was comforting, and a touchstone. an imprint. and to this day i remember it so vividly even though it's been decades.

when i think of celebrating the earth i think about the bats and the birds and the bees in my own yard. how their return each year is fantastic and magical and just how it should be.

it is in that spirit that i bring you the following video. happy earth day!

x.

duke brag.

the duke was invited to apply for the President's Award for Educational Excellence!

The President's Award for Educational Excellence is an acknowledgment of high student achievement. While there is no monetary aspect to this award, it is an opportunity to recognize those students who excel academically with an embossed certificate, signed by the President of the United States. In order to qualify for the Award, students must excel on a standardized test, in their schoolwork, and show high motivation, initiative, integrity, intellectual depth, leadership qualities and/or exceptional judgment.

he was invited based on his high scores on his yearly exam, and then he must submit a curriculum vitae of his current course work. basically what he is learning, how he thinks it will help him personally and/or academically and then a list of non school related activities, hobbies, etc.

i like the fact that the award is based on not just the test scores. that they really will look at the whole academic "life" of the child to decide.

i am very proud of him! being home schooled there really isn't a lot of opportunity for "outside" recognition. so this is definitely a boost! he'll work on the CV in the coming weeks, submit it, and then we'll see! i'll definitely keep you posted!

so right after i told him about the invitation, he made some microwave popcorn for a snack. he put the bag in the microwave and closed the door. he turned it on, and then just to prove that darwinism is indeed alive and well even among the academically gifted set, he leaned his head against the door of the microwave to watch the popcorn pop.

"hey genius, if you can't even put a fork or foil in the microwave why would you want to rest your forehead against it?!?"

"oh. yeah."

"yeah. let's not tell obama about this, huh?"

x.

friday.

so the sick little buddy is getting better. he was able to keep down some water, then a little gatorade (eww. gatorade. but i'm a believer in giving the sick what they crave and it does replace some of what was lost in the "process.") then some soup.

this morning he had a little cereal. he's got a bit of a fever, but seems to be out of the woods in terms of the "bathroom" issues.

man, spontaneous diarrhea really sucks. dude.

right now he's sleeping and when he wakes up i promised him he could watch star wars.

and, so far, knock on wood, the rest of us haven't been affected. i bleached every centimeter wingman ever touched with any part of his body the second after he touched it, twice, and loaded us all up with vitamin c and lots of water in MEGA doses. if nothing else, we sure won't be candidates for scurvy any time soon.

in other news there's not much other news. our schedule is getting full and busy with baseball and school. we go to the middle of june for baseball and to the end of june for school. AND even though it's still only april, it feels like things are SPEEDING!

these are the days i have to remember to stop. stop and appreciate the moments. this time. these boys. like i mentioned before, i'm getting betther at that but i still have to remember to remember that these are the days worth savoring. these "regular" days, one flowing into the other, seemingly endless. these are the moments and the time i'll look back on fondly when i'm living yet another life in this one beautiful life.

moving right along i'm ready for some BBQ weather! a nice long walk, a hike, some outdoor activity with the family then some sizziling meat on the grill and an ice cold beer in the yard to round out the day.

does it get any better than that?

i really don't think that it does.

and the lord of the ring's weather boyfriend promises that this weekend will be practically "torrid" temperature wise so i'm stoked!

x.

baseball update. and lots of poop.

so after a rain/snow out (the hell? helllooooo! it's APRIL!)that cancelled monday's game, last night's game went off without a hitch.

he was on the field for the first two innings, and his one at bat he made contact, got a good hit, got on base and brought a guy home. so far so good. we were just going into the third inning when we didn't see him run on to the field.

great. here we go.

only i didn't have long to dwell on that because right then wingman piped up in the most calm and yet perplexed voice

"oh. i just pooped my pants."

he complained about feeling a "little sea-sick." and because it was dark and cold we sat in the back of the truck facing the field. it was past his bedtime and he was tired, so he was lying down wrapped in blankets resting.

so, you know, the poop thing was a big surprise. and before i could register it properly i heard

"oh, i think i'm going to throw up."

so we switched into high gear. got him buckled in with a garbage bag for throwing up in front of him (can i just say we had a WHOLE roll of industrial strength black plastic trash bags in the truck? i have NO idea where they came from, but how lucky, huh?)

the lord of the ring and i went to tell the duke to just hang tight and papa would be back after dropping us off.

it was then that he told us that the rules for majors had been changed. like in the last few days. so now if a kid gets pulled he can be put back in later. he's not benched for the whole rest of the game. and regardless of who does or does not play in the field, everyone stays in the batting line up.

suWEET! this is perfect! not only does it reverse some stupid hard assed rule for 11 and 12 years olds who just want to play ball, it also gives kids like the duke a shot. a chance to really hit their stride.

so we got wingman home and i cleaned him up. then went in for round two. having heard stories about this particular virus going around i knew to stick him ON THE TOILET every time he had to throw up or even felt like he had to.

this was a very good piece of advice.

poor buddy. having been in the unfortunate position a time or two myself, sitting on the toilet with a bowl in your lap is not fun. it wasn't fun the first hour, and it certainly wasn't fun every hour on the hour past 1 am until 8 in the morning. then another round at 10 am this morning. that wasn't fun either.

i maintain that the best bathroom in the world has a sink directly facing and only inches away from the toilet. because when it comes in handy you know there really is a god and that he/she not only understands, but also cares about your exploding orifices.

i can say that at this point wingman seems to be at the end of it. he's pale and gritchy. his belly is sore and he's lying on the couch dreaming of all the things he can't eat or drink. at this point, we are BARELY seeing small sips of lukewarm water staying down. so i think macaroni and cheese and left over fish tacos for lunch are going to remain a far off dream for the lad for awhile yet.

so, back to the game. all in all it turned out well. the duke got another hit and made it on base. and after playing outfield for the first two innings, once he got off the bench he was moved in to play second base for the last two innings.

so i think it's going to be "o.k." my initial assesment of the coach and the team hasn't changed much, but i do see it's not as black and white as i thought. or, maybe, the duke finally showed them something? who knows?

i do know this, the duke is motivated. motivated to continue to play well and play better, and motivated to check out his options for making a spot for himself on the team. he sees that a weakness on his team is in the pitching. they don't have a solid pitcher and he thinks maybe that could be his "in." while pitching hasn't ever particularly intersted him before, he's actually pretty good at it and could get quite good with some continued practice. and, they need someone. which is all the incentive he needs right now.

so we'll see. but this is good. he's figuring it out. and i'm, for the most part except dishing with you all, staying out of it.

now, now i just have to figure out the following conversation i had with the duke this morning. um, let's just file this under WTF!?! and call it good.

"hey, mama, did you know that M (kid on his team) won't be at the opening ceremonies on saturday because he's going to hooters in the city?"

"hooters! really? with who, his family?"

"yeah, in the city."

"who misses opening ceremonies to go to hooters! and who just takes their kids to hooters! like as a planned outing!?!"

so then the lord of the ring pipes up

"apparently they are advertising themselves as 'family friendly' now."

" 'family friendly?' with a bunch of scantily clad women serving up your food? not only do i not want my family to have to deal with that while eating, it hardly seems safe with all that hot greasy food and all that exposed skin! not to mention, sanitary!"

"well, you think that's weird? J (another kid on his team) had his birthday party there last year."

and if there's anything more to say about that i really don't know what it is.

x.

an update on the last little sip of lukewarm water;

no go.

sigh.

we're in the big leagues now.

little league majors baseball is different from the minors.

the uniforms are more "uniformy," the rules are a little stricter, and there are NO snacks at the end of the game. can i say HALLELUJAH! on the last point?

the other thing about majors is that the coach is only required to play a kid two innings. after that they can pull the kid and that's it for the game. in minors, every kid has to play at least 4 innings and is always in the batting lineup.

last night the duke had his first game. and when i stopped seeing him run out on the field or be up to bat round about the third or fourth inning (i can't keep track) it slowly dawned on me that he'd been benched after the second inning and we wouldn't see him the rest of the game.

i was pissed. i was hurt for him, but i was also pissed. both of his at bats he got walked. a walk is as good as a hit. and he has a great eye for foul balls. he made a great play at second and got a guy out, and nearly made a double play to first on that play but the runner was just a smidge faster.

the thing is, this is a pretty established team. it's clear they've been together awhile, and the duke is the new kid in town. and while he's a good all around player, he's an unknown. and he doesn't "stand out" with any one great skill. while he gets on base more times than not, he's not a power hitter. some of these kids aren't so good fielding but damn it if they can't hit the ball and FAR. if you can hit a ball far in baseball nobody cares about what you can't do.

plus, he's not a huge personality. he's not a shit talker or a loud mouth or all attitude.

a LOT of the kids on this team are exactly that. they're nice kids but they let you know they're there.

and the duke? he's solicitous and polite and complimentary. he's earnest and he's there. he shows up ready to work and he gets the job done. he is an excellent team mate and good all around player. he's a solid ball player.

he could be a bit more aggressive, but he's not. not yet anyway. and in the minors he had a chance to warm up to that and prove it on the field.

not so much now. now, he's playing with kids whose dads all work together and are the coaches. he's playing with kids who've been playing together awhile and all have a spot in the pecking order. he's playing on a team where attitude gets you everywhere. where BIG SKILL gets you everything, even if the BIG SKILL comes with BIG ATTITUDE that costs the game as much as it adds. he's playing for coaches who see things one way, the way they've always seen it, and are slow to see it any differently.

plus, part of me suspects they're all republicans, too.

so, back to the game. after it was clear that he knew what was what. that he'd been pulled and that he was the only one benched for so long.

he was remaining positive about the whole thing as usually does, but you could tell he was really surprised and thinking on it. hashing it over in his mind. like, what just happened here?

and i wanted to take him aside and talk to him about nepotism and pecking order and social structure. i wanted to tell him that he's a great ball player, no better or worse than most of the kids on the team but since he's new that doesn't matter. i wanted to explain that in the long run his overall ability and rounded skills will win out over the big attitude and singular skills of the "better" guys on the team, or at least the ones who get to stay in the game. i wanted to go into detail about how he's little yet, how his body will catch up with his want to be a better player. that baseball really is a thinking man's game and he's got that in spades.

i wanted to spin this for him.

and i didn't. we didn't. the lord of the ring and i decided that this is a whole different ball game. that we can't spin this for him in a way that's going to "help." that we can't make excuses for the world he lives in because then it would be just that, an excuse. and that's not going to get him anywhere. excuses aren't going to get him off of the bench. that he's in this and it's his to figure out.

sure, we praised him and supported him and rehashed the game with him. which we have always done and will continue to do.

but, we didn't spin it and we won't.

if he wants to get off of that bench he's going to have to figure out how to do it in his own way.

and i have to say that's a really odd feeling. to know that your child is finally at an age where you have to just take a back seat and hope everything you taught him pans out in some fashion.

and, now, he says he can't wait for the next game.

i'll keep you posted.

x.

your moment(s) of zen.

lately i've really been thinking about the fragility of life.

i don't think this in response to any one thing, i'm sure this feeling comes from a million places internally and many recent events externally. following the news certainly hasn't helped.

every single day there's something that just astounds me in its tragic sadness. the actions of mother nature, collective stupidity, people with nothing to lose who take it out on the innocent.

beyond that, i've come to realize, to fully be aware that how at any moment life can change. can just be different than it was the moment before. any minute.

because of this, i've taken more moments of my own life to appreciate things. my children, my husband, this roof over my head. of course, all of the really big important things. but, also the little things. the breeze against my cheek, the song of a bird, a blooming daffodil.

lately i've even found myself turning my face toward the sun and just stopping, standing still and letting the sun wash over me. taking a minute to be still and be aware of the beauty around me.

um, can i say that if you knew me in real life right about now you'd be like, huh? because that is simply not me at all. i don't sit and let the sun wash over me. ever. maybe if i was passed out at the beach from too many margaritas, but in the regular course of the day? not so much.

oh, i might have the intention or the want, but then a second into it my adult onset ADD kicks in and it's all over. plus, while i am fully aware of how lazy i can be, being able to relax is a whole other thing.

anyway, where was i? oh, yeah. so this idea that life is so fragile we have to just appreciate the moment. we can't let what the future may bring stymie us. we can't let what might happen affect what is happening in this very moment.

in fact, even in my new found appreciation for appreciating the moment, there are still some times i have to shoehorn it in me. i have to force myself to do it by thinking, okay, if you were lying in a hospital bed, what about your life or the life around you right now NOT lying in a hospital bed would you rather be doing if you WERE lying in a hospital bed? what would you or could you appreciate about this exact moment that you couldn't in a hospital bed?

i know that's all convoluted and maudlin and creepy, but, it works for me.

so then i'll see the cat lying on the sidewalk and i'll sit down next to him and just take a moment to pet him. appreciating the fact that his fur has soaked up the warmth from the sun. or check out and marvel at how fast the clouds are moving in the sky, even though it seems there is only a slight breeze. or really taking a full appreciation of the smell of freshly cut grass.

you know, forrest gumping my way through the day.

small meditations. it's a new thing for me and i appreciate it.

the world is big and scary and getting bigger and scarier every day. and collective humanity can be down right frightening. but, this world is also so heartbreakingly beautiful. it's unique in its ability to just keep on going. despite what we do to it and what it does to itself, it continues. and there is goodness in it.

and there are a million blessings every minute, they're there. they just aren't as loud as all the truly crappy stuff.

it can be hard to imagine that any other time wasn't as bad as this. that this is the worst bad time for us. but, it's just relative. my own life and its circumstances are just relative. it's just what it is. and i don't take it personally anymore.

and in that, i can move forward. i am not stymied. i am open, and i am optimistic. and that, that my friends is a pretty beautiful thing because it most certainly hasn't always been that way.

so, it is in that spirit that i bring you the following commercial.

wha wha what?!? commercial. yes, it's an advertisement made expressly to play on our emotions and help us to part with our money and be happy to do so.

but that fact doesn't make it any less beautiful, true, or worth watching. enjoy.

x.

the gripe doesn't fall far from the tree.

for the past couple of days it's been nothing but blue skies and white puffy clouds and spring sunshine. pure bliss.

aaaannnd, it's not going to last. i know it won't.

hey, i'm not employing my usual pessimism! it really won't last. the lord of the ring has chosen to be a weather blog groupie and he's got some new weather guru he follows who knows EVERYTHING and he said it won't last. something about la nina and all that. at first i made fun of him (default) but now i'm hooked too. it's not going to last.

anyhow, i'm making the most of it while its here!

so for the past few days we've been outside. doing little jobs here and there, pulling weeds, and generally just enjoying the weather.

these are the kinds of days i just love home schooling so much. wingman and i did grammar while i pulled weeds, and i helped him with his math while i raked up said weeds. and for the past couple of days he's been able to make his lunch and bring it outside to the picnic table. the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and he quietly gets to enjoy his lunch for as long as it takes him to eat.

we are a privileged group here at the big red house and there isn't a day that goes by that i don't thank my lucky stars for that. amen.

today when the duke finished greek he came out with his lunch. wingman was done and kinda just goofing around and distracting the duke from enjoying his sandwich. so, i told him to just go over and sit with the buddha for a few minutes and enjoy the quiet.

so he was sitting there for a few and he turned to me and said smiling

"he always has a smile on his face!"

(i love how wingman can continually be smitten and amused and glad at things that he's already noticed a million times before)

and i said

"yep. he's got it together, that one"

then the duke said

"poor buddha. man, he's been through a lot!"

and thinking he meant like, you know, ALL that buddha actually went through to become buddha and all buddha has to go through to remain relevent in today's modern and cynical world and all that jazz i said

"yep, he's earned his seat under the tree"

"yeah, i mean, the birds are always poopin' on him, and remember those kids who came over and were kicking him! WHO kicks the buddha!?! oh, oh, and remember after your party we found that someone had rested a grape soda can on him? really! grape soda! and it was just some ol' cheapy store brand, too!"

then wingman piped up

"i KNOW! who rests their cheap grape soda on the buddha! WHO? WHO does that!"

yep.

thing is, the dude can handle it. the dude abides. it totally does not matter in the grand scheme of things. because he's the buddha. it's like it's required for him to exercise his patience, you know?

but, i love that they are all up in arms about it.

my little gripey curmudgeons. does this heart good to see that generations of family tradition won't die with my boys. i just may weep.

in other news baseball hits full force this week with extra practices the rest of the week AND the first game of the season for each of the boybarians.

hey! wanna guess when the sucky weather is returning?

yep.

x.

go green and gold.

so my 20th high school reunion is coming up. i know, right? just makes you suck your own stomach in hearing about it.

while it seemed like just talk before, now there's an actual website, a link to a facebook group with pictures of my former classmates who are interested in attending.

as an aside, can i say that i'm not on facebook. and after browsing these pictures in the reunion group, and clicking on their "friends" to get to other "friends" i've basically managed to get somewhat of an update on anybody i ever liked, disliked, slept with, or married in that town.

click click click OMG! six degrees of separation my ass. facebook scares the hell out of me. i may never recover.

first of all i don't recognize over HALF the people on the reunion site. by name OR by face. and second of all when did all the people i went to high school with get so old?

i mean, i'm not old, why are they old?

it's a curious thing, this idea of reunion. for one night you gather and exchange, check out and reconnect, or mock, or whatever, all the while realizing that if you met these people on the street today you would not be friends let alone acquaintances let alone gather for drinks and appetizers.

not to mention paying hundreds of dollars for travel and hotel room and venue expenses for the privilege.

but because you were thrown together for four years of your life, for some the best, for some the worst, a lifetime ago, now there's some kind of duty to see those relationships through? at least every ten years or so after until. you. die? say it isn't so!

in some ways it's kind of sweet and nostalgic.

in other ways it's totally fubar. seriously. what a completely fucked up idea, right?

and OF COURSE i totally want to go. like a moth to the flame.

the other day, regarding this very event, one dear friend said to the goddess mother, (both of whom i met in high school and am now attached to for life, but in the best possible way)

"why do we want to go? just to see how badly every one turned out?"

um, yeah.

isn't that the point! what better reason i say!

it's certainly not to bask in how well some people are doing. how fit they are! how fabulous their skin looks! how glamorous their job sounds!

nobody wants to see that. we want to see the blood, the gore, the stretch marks, and the pot bellies.

look, i'm no prize. i mean *i* think i am, but according to reunion standards probably not. i'm not remotely the same size i was in high school, which something tells me is something one is supposed to care about in anticipation of attending this sort of event, and i don't exactly have the sort of occupation that people would rave about or envy. i mean, again, *i* think i do, but mostly when people think of superpowers they don't think "make me a stay at home, home schooling mother of two!"

BUT

i am happy with my life. i'm actually doing exactly what i want to be doing. and i still have dreams yet to fulfill, other lives to live in this lifetime. it's pretty sweet actually, and i even feel a leetle sorry for other people sometimes.

so, i'm good with me. i can go and withstand the scrutiny because i like who i am and where i'm at and i wouldn't change it for the world.

plus, with the right foundation garments, some well timed and well placed distractions, and the soft focus lens, i still look really really good in a pair of jeans.

KApow!

x.

your moment(s) of zen.

sometimes on tuesday evenings, after wingman goes to bed, i let the duke watch america's funniest home videos.

he loves this show. loves! it!

i. do. not. love. this. show.

it's hokey and dorky and the clips are mediocre if not sometimes totally offensive OR just plain sad. like the age old one that millions of people seem to send in of a toddler afraid of their own shadow. so as the kid is screaming and crying trying to run away from their shadow the parent keeps filming and the studio audience is laughing. it's sad.

pets are a big favorite. pets pretending to sing, pets dressed up, pets humping trees. you know, the usual funny stuff.

mostly the clips are of boys and men doing really dumb things involving wheels and ramps and gravity. or an outdoor chicken fryer. and what i love about the duke is inevitably as one of these clips are starting i'll hear him mutter

"oh, that looks safe."

and there are ALWAYS at least 10 trampoline mishaps in some montage. ALWAYS. if i owned a trampoline company i'd be begging the show to knock off the trampoline videos. seriously. i might have to get my lawyers involved. you know, if i really owned a trampoline company. which, you know, i don't.

but occasionally there will be one video clip that just gets me laughing and i can't stop. like nearly pee my pants laughing. and when i do that (laugh, not pee my pants) i realize that that may be the first time i've really laughed in a long time.

because you know when you're really laughing. and you can feel it flood your body and just pump nothing but goodness all the way through.

good for the soul, good for the heart, good for life.

i wish i could laugh like that every day. and i find it really sad that i don't.

it is in that spirit that i present to you the following video clip. i can't guarantee it will make you nearly pee your pants, hell, i can't guarantee it will even make you laugh. BUT i think it's funny, and if nothing else, it's a little break in your day.

(it's about 6 mins, and it's a little slow going at first. but it's worth it)

x.