the duke is sick...with fever and headache and general nausea...he hasn't been eating or sleeping and is just miserable...
plus he is driving me around the everlovin' bend!
oh my god do i love that boy and do i ever feel for him but i'm about to dose him with some nyquil so he will just go to sleep and rest and be far away snoring in another room dreaming of god knows what but just not be awake!
poor buddy, it does suck to be sick...
but you know what really sucks?...sleeping in the same room with someone who is sick who wakes you up every 15 minutes without fail all. night. long. to say one of the following
"mama...mama...mama!"
"gnrrr what is it honey?"
"i'm gonna throw up...but not really...it just feels like it"
or
"mama...mama...mama!"
"gnrrr what is it honey?"
"mama, i can't sleep"
tell me about it...
in other only slightly more riveting news, today i am cooking a big indian feast...
samosas, raita, dal, lamb curry, basmati rice, and homemade garlic naan...
it should be really really good...and the added benefit is stoveman is here and has never had indian food and has always sworn he never will and now he has to!...as you can imagine, he's not entirely sold on the idea and is perhaps right now regretting all those dishes he made me do as a child...
it's such a cancer girl middle child thing to exact torture and revenge in the form of a delicious feast made with love...
okay, i gotta cut this short because the potatoes are nearly done and i've gotta make the samosa filling...
today's $1 menu tao is
devotion
make the crooked straight,
make the straight to flow.
gather water, fire, and light.
bring the world to a single point.
do what you love, the rest comes...
enjoy your day,
x.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
meet the boybarians...
yesterday i called the duke "sweetie pie"...
"don't ever call me that"
"HA! i'm your mother, i can call you anything i want...and really, it could be worse...but just curious, what do you want me to call you?"
"pat"
o. k.
apparently the duke really really really likes the name pat...
then wingman pipes up AGAIN for the millionth time that his name is really peter johnson...
there is a joke of some sort here but i don't think i can get far enough past the image of the duke in his tunic and jeans telling me he likes the name "pat" to be able to come up with one...
and wingman is just cracked...
anyhow, moving right along...
today's $1 menu tao
ablution
washing at dawn:
rinse away dreams.
protect the gods within,
and clarify the inner spirit.
now see, this is just UN. CANNY. y'all!...once again the tao KNOWS!...it just KNOWS!...because it just so happens i JUST had a bath!!...and as i washed my hair for the first time in a long time after trying this "no washing your hair to protect the curls" experiment i really really really feel cleansed...and the just freshly washed hair smell really does do something for the spirit, i must say (and i'd be willing to bet the lord of the ring would agree...i have a feeling at times that even though we have a decade under our belts the poor guy still doesn't know what to make of me)
in my opinion it's about as close to a spiritual experience one can get to that doesn't include stevie nicks and a long neck bud...
so here's hoping there is a cleansing of spirit in store for each of you today...
and remember, it doesn't need to be a bath at lourdes for it to "mean" something...because just as there are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground, there are a million ways to be cleansed...
x.
"don't ever call me that"
"HA! i'm your mother, i can call you anything i want...and really, it could be worse...but just curious, what do you want me to call you?"
"pat"
o. k.
apparently the duke really really really likes the name pat...
then wingman pipes up AGAIN for the millionth time that his name is really peter johnson...
there is a joke of some sort here but i don't think i can get far enough past the image of the duke in his tunic and jeans telling me he likes the name "pat" to be able to come up with one...
and wingman is just cracked...
anyhow, moving right along...
today's $1 menu tao
ablution
washing at dawn:
rinse away dreams.
protect the gods within,
and clarify the inner spirit.
now see, this is just UN. CANNY. y'all!...once again the tao KNOWS!...it just KNOWS!...because it just so happens i JUST had a bath!!...and as i washed my hair for the first time in a long time after trying this "no washing your hair to protect the curls" experiment i really really really feel cleansed...and the just freshly washed hair smell really does do something for the spirit, i must say (and i'd be willing to bet the lord of the ring would agree...i have a feeling at times that even though we have a decade under our belts the poor guy still doesn't know what to make of me)
in my opinion it's about as close to a spiritual experience one can get to that doesn't include stevie nicks and a long neck bud...
so here's hoping there is a cleansing of spirit in store for each of you today...
and remember, it doesn't need to be a bath at lourdes for it to "mean" something...because just as there are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground, there are a million ways to be cleansed...
x.
Monday, October 10, 2005
who needs therapy when you have children?
there's nothing like the matter-of-factness of children to point out what exactly is wrong in our lives...and it's usually so simple a misstep(s), what we would consider a mere hiccup in the cosmic belch of our deeper rooted problems...so basic are these issues that they are dismissed in favor of the flashier dilemmas and demons that plague us...which means too often we focus on the prime time problems while the awful truth goes unnoticed...but not by a child...
for instance any time i come down the stairs in something *other* than pajamas or stretchy pants some child or another who lives here will look up excitedly and say
"where are we going?"
"nowhere"
"um, then why are you dressed?"
or when i am cleaning house in *any* capacity some child or another who lives here will inevitably ask
"wow!...who's coming over?"
"no one"
"oh...are you sure?"
both of which suggest either action doesn't take place all that often therefore further suggesting *someone* needs to get her shit together and soon...
and that most people probably don't need therapy they just need a maid...
and now because we all need a little more spirit and a bit more wisdom in our lives i introduce to you a new feature i call the
$1 menu tao
no no no, it's not a gut busting grease ball of cheap chinese food but rather an easily digestible, makes you think, tastes great! less filling! take on the tao te ching...in honor of the tao and my apparent overwhelming laziness it will be easy and fast and yet depthy (is depthy a word?...yeah, i didn't think so but you know what i mean)...because while the tao te ching is one of the most important books i have ever read, sometimes it's nice to get a dose of spirit in the fast acting quick dissolving tablets...
so i turn to my handy dandy tao for dummies book and bring you today's $1 menu tao
beginning
this is the moment of embarking.
all auspicious signs are in place.
now how appropriate is THAT!...huh?!?...see!...how timely!...as if the tao KNOWS what i'm thinking!...it KNOWS today is the beginning of the $1 menu tao!...you can't BUY connection like that!...
seriously, i wholeheartedly encourage each and everyone of you to read the the actual tao te ching...really, if you haven't it's a must...
but in the meantime, enjoy the drive through version...
x.
for instance any time i come down the stairs in something *other* than pajamas or stretchy pants some child or another who lives here will look up excitedly and say
"where are we going?"
"nowhere"
"um, then why are you dressed?"
or when i am cleaning house in *any* capacity some child or another who lives here will inevitably ask
"wow!...who's coming over?"
"no one"
"oh...are you sure?"
both of which suggest either action doesn't take place all that often therefore further suggesting *someone* needs to get her shit together and soon...
and that most people probably don't need therapy they just need a maid...
and now because we all need a little more spirit and a bit more wisdom in our lives i introduce to you a new feature i call the
$1 menu tao
no no no, it's not a gut busting grease ball of cheap chinese food but rather an easily digestible, makes you think, tastes great! less filling! take on the tao te ching...in honor of the tao and my apparent overwhelming laziness it will be easy and fast and yet depthy (is depthy a word?...yeah, i didn't think so but you know what i mean)...because while the tao te ching is one of the most important books i have ever read, sometimes it's nice to get a dose of spirit in the fast acting quick dissolving tablets...
so i turn to my handy dandy tao for dummies book and bring you today's $1 menu tao
beginning
this is the moment of embarking.
all auspicious signs are in place.
now how appropriate is THAT!...huh?!?...see!...how timely!...as if the tao KNOWS what i'm thinking!...it KNOWS today is the beginning of the $1 menu tao!...you can't BUY connection like that!...
seriously, i wholeheartedly encourage each and everyone of you to read the the actual tao te ching...really, if you haven't it's a must...
but in the meantime, enjoy the drive through version...
x.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
spray. scrape. repeat.
i am attempting to paint my dining room...
which means first removing two layers of very old wallpaper...
there is not really a word available that fully captures how awful a task this is...
no wonder i haven't done it in all the years we have lived here....no wonder people rent...no wonder i drink...
in other news, the boybarians have chosen to be roman legionaries for halloween...they have been wearing their outfits for a few days now and love them...
the duke especially loves the tunic, and has taken to wearing it sans the rest of the outfit...
"it's comfortable and cool...i love it!"
indeed.
and then there's wingman...lately he has been very interested in how babies come to be inside of their mama's tummies...
and he just looks at me like "um, please" when i tell him it's "magic"...he knows that's bullshit and i've just not yet come up with a plan of attack for explaining it better than that...and yes, i am terribly embarrassed that that answer made it into my brain and past my lips...especially given my previous background...
it's funny how some aspects of parenting just are no big deal, and then you come upon one that is surprising in its challenge..its ability to kind of just stop you in your tracks and make you go "uh...hmmm...um..."
the duke is eight and we haven't done the birds and the bees with him yet...he's never been very interested, but at four wingman is dying to know the answers to all kinds of things...like do we hear when we're dead?, do we become babies again when we die?, how do babies get from being in the sky into their mama's tummies?...
i suppose i won't worry too much about it now because i know the moment will present itself and i'll seize upon it...and hopefully i won't fuck it up...
in the meantime i wonder how deeply wingman will continue to ponder all that seems so vast...and how long the duke will continue to enjoy wearing a long silky tunic...
x.
which means first removing two layers of very old wallpaper...
there is not really a word available that fully captures how awful a task this is...
no wonder i haven't done it in all the years we have lived here....no wonder people rent...no wonder i drink...
in other news, the boybarians have chosen to be roman legionaries for halloween...they have been wearing their outfits for a few days now and love them...
the duke especially loves the tunic, and has taken to wearing it sans the rest of the outfit...
"it's comfortable and cool...i love it!"
indeed.
and then there's wingman...lately he has been very interested in how babies come to be inside of their mama's tummies...
and he just looks at me like "um, please" when i tell him it's "magic"...he knows that's bullshit and i've just not yet come up with a plan of attack for explaining it better than that...and yes, i am terribly embarrassed that that answer made it into my brain and past my lips...especially given my previous background...
it's funny how some aspects of parenting just are no big deal, and then you come upon one that is surprising in its challenge..its ability to kind of just stop you in your tracks and make you go "uh...hmmm...um..."
the duke is eight and we haven't done the birds and the bees with him yet...he's never been very interested, but at four wingman is dying to know the answers to all kinds of things...like do we hear when we're dead?, do we become babies again when we die?, how do babies get from being in the sky into their mama's tummies?...
i suppose i won't worry too much about it now because i know the moment will present itself and i'll seize upon it...and hopefully i won't fuck it up...
in the meantime i wonder how deeply wingman will continue to ponder all that seems so vast...and how long the duke will continue to enjoy wearing a long silky tunic...
x.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
where there's a will there's one worried mama...
wingman needs a will...oh and a durable power of attorney (as opposed to those flimsy ones you can get at wal-mart?)
he is scheduled to have his dental surgery on nov. 4th...they are putting him under which carries with it the risk that he may not come back "up"...hence the need for a copy of his will provided with his hospital intake paperwork...
for someone who just recently learned to wipe his own butt you can imagine he's not been around long enough to acquire much that is of great importance to him...his pooh bear, his baby doll, the odd hot wheel, an old book he carries around the house and "reads" every night in bed with a lot of pages very small print and no pictures titled my india, my america...
and because it's still quite a bit of time away we aren't telling him yet...poor kid...
i am trying not to make too much of this in my mind...trying not to worry, trying to be positive...but i can't help feeling very nervous about the whole thing...i find myself looking at him more, holding him a bit longer for a hug, not minding so much when he climbs into bed with us at night taking all of my pillow and shoving me to the edge of the bed...
i know it's going to be okay...it has to be...it will be...
still, i can't help but feel little cracks in my heart when i find myself thinking about it...because you can always be prepared, do the right things, think positively and things still happen that you don't want to happen...
in this process i am reminded once again and overwhelmingly of the fragility of life...the tenuousness of existence...the fact that since having children my heart is no longer the same size it once was, no longer beating safely and securely deep inside my chest...that my heart no longer beats only for me...
i will try and remain optimistic...have faith and trust the process...
but despite my want to hold him more, i've got to watch the outward manifestations of my fear towards wingman...because it doesn't honor the process, and because apparently i am annoying and unhygenic...
"mama, you are hugging me so tight i can't breeve!...and eeewww your bref SMELLS!!"
x.
he is scheduled to have his dental surgery on nov. 4th...they are putting him under which carries with it the risk that he may not come back "up"...hence the need for a copy of his will provided with his hospital intake paperwork...
for someone who just recently learned to wipe his own butt you can imagine he's not been around long enough to acquire much that is of great importance to him...his pooh bear, his baby doll, the odd hot wheel, an old book he carries around the house and "reads" every night in bed with a lot of pages very small print and no pictures titled my india, my america...
and because it's still quite a bit of time away we aren't telling him yet...poor kid...
i am trying not to make too much of this in my mind...trying not to worry, trying to be positive...but i can't help feeling very nervous about the whole thing...i find myself looking at him more, holding him a bit longer for a hug, not minding so much when he climbs into bed with us at night taking all of my pillow and shoving me to the edge of the bed...
i know it's going to be okay...it has to be...it will be...
still, i can't help but feel little cracks in my heart when i find myself thinking about it...because you can always be prepared, do the right things, think positively and things still happen that you don't want to happen...
in this process i am reminded once again and overwhelmingly of the fragility of life...the tenuousness of existence...the fact that since having children my heart is no longer the same size it once was, no longer beating safely and securely deep inside my chest...that my heart no longer beats only for me...
i will try and remain optimistic...have faith and trust the process...
but despite my want to hold him more, i've got to watch the outward manifestations of my fear towards wingman...because it doesn't honor the process, and because apparently i am annoying and unhygenic...
"mama, you are hugging me so tight i can't breeve!...and eeewww your bref SMELLS!!"
x.
Monday, October 03, 2005
and there you have it...
i am seriously considering ordering a bedazzler off of the television and i made my children spam for dinner last night...
i'd like to believe it's because i have been ill and therefore my defenses are down...
but i know it's far more sinister than that...
you can take the girl out of the central valley but try as you might you just can't take the central valley out of the girl...
x.
i'd like to believe it's because i have been ill and therefore my defenses are down...
but i know it's far more sinister than that...
you can take the girl out of the central valley but try as you might you just can't take the central valley out of the girl...
x.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
f.y.i.
between my being concerned last week about the bag lady in paris who lives in houston (thankfully she and her cat and abode are fine) and suffering this week with a cold i 100% lack the ability to be creative...
or even completely upright for that matter...
x.
or even completely upright for that matter...
x.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
hello autumn, goodbye kitty...
the cat passed last night...
in the end she looked so very peaceful, so graceful even, lying there...
and even though i knew it was coming, i am very sad...i took care of her last night and i have to tell the boybarians today...
wingman has been having a rough go of it lately with all the time his father has to spend away...could you all say a little prayer for him as this news will be very hard for him to bear?...he and the cat were very close...
and if you could, another prayer for the lord of the ring...they were together nearly twenty years and he is understandably quite upset...
meanwhile, it is the autumnal equinox today (i follow the witch's calendar that places the solstice and the equinox always on the 21st) enjoy the change of season and embrace the possibilities that transition brings...
x.
in the end she looked so very peaceful, so graceful even, lying there...
and even though i knew it was coming, i am very sad...i took care of her last night and i have to tell the boybarians today...
wingman has been having a rough go of it lately with all the time his father has to spend away...could you all say a little prayer for him as this news will be very hard for him to bear?...he and the cat were very close...
and if you could, another prayer for the lord of the ring...they were together nearly twenty years and he is understandably quite upset...
meanwhile, it is the autumnal equinox today (i follow the witch's calendar that places the solstice and the equinox always on the 21st) enjoy the change of season and embrace the possibilities that transition brings...
x.
Monday, September 19, 2005
feeding the fever of the obviously insane...
the duke has a temperature...
"oh honey, if you're hungry i want you to eat something...what sounds good?"
"sushi"
indeed.
gee, now why didn't i think of that...because when i'm hot and queasy and fatigued there's nothing like a big ol' plate of sushi to set my mouth watering...
bleh.
to update the situation with the cat i think she has peed on her last bed and pillow...unfortunately i am now checking for signs of breathing every hour...the lord of the ring has wishes that she will hang on until he returns home thursday night, but i am not optimistic...
what i wonder is, do i try and put her out of her, well not *misery* really (she's just sleeping all the time and seems comfortable) just her present state of obvious dying?...or do i let her do what cats do?...
i am inclined, unless persuaded otherwise, to let nature take the course it is want to take...
i'll let you know how that all pans out...
regardless, could you all say a little prayer or blessing on the life of our dear cat, kidon?...nearly twenty years is a long life for a cat, yet it seems too soon for her to depart...she really is a wonderful soul, and we will all mourn and miss her dearly...
x.
"oh honey, if you're hungry i want you to eat something...what sounds good?"
"sushi"
indeed.
gee, now why didn't i think of that...because when i'm hot and queasy and fatigued there's nothing like a big ol' plate of sushi to set my mouth watering...
bleh.
to update the situation with the cat i think she has peed on her last bed and pillow...unfortunately i am now checking for signs of breathing every hour...the lord of the ring has wishes that she will hang on until he returns home thursday night, but i am not optimistic...
what i wonder is, do i try and put her out of her, well not *misery* really (she's just sleeping all the time and seems comfortable) just her present state of obvious dying?...or do i let her do what cats do?...
i am inclined, unless persuaded otherwise, to let nature take the course it is want to take...
i'll let you know how that all pans out...
regardless, could you all say a little prayer or blessing on the life of our dear cat, kidon?...nearly twenty years is a long life for a cat, yet it seems too soon for her to depart...she really is a wonderful soul, and we will all mourn and miss her dearly...
x.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
pretty in gap stretch denim...
it seems that it was only yesterday i was watching andrew mccarthy on the big screen, dreaming and wishing a boy like him would ask me to my prom...or to make out in a filthy damp horse stable...really, i'm not choosy...
as it was, yesterday i was taking kids, my kids!!, to the dentist and to get new shoes...and trying to find pants that fit and that i like, all the while fielding questions as to why *i* won't have *another* wedding...
dude.
anyhow, posting will be short and spotty this week as we adjust to our school schedule and get into autumn's rhythm...
plus it will give me time to try and understand the impending ramifications of the duke's most recent choice for his birthday party theme...
a portuguese catholic monarchy birthday...
dude.
x.
as it was, yesterday i was taking kids, my kids!!, to the dentist and to get new shoes...and trying to find pants that fit and that i like, all the while fielding questions as to why *i* won't have *another* wedding...
dude.
anyhow, posting will be short and spotty this week as we adjust to our school schedule and get into autumn's rhythm...
plus it will give me time to try and understand the impending ramifications of the duke's most recent choice for his birthday party theme...
a portuguese catholic monarchy birthday...
dude.
x.
Friday, September 09, 2005
it's friday, it's overcast, and you know you're getting old when...
everything you hear on the radio that's *new* sounds like something you've heard before...
sigh...
it's obviously not a new phenomenon, but one i've only just become to be concerned about...it's a sign of aging...along with grey hairs and unexplained curves, aging doesn't sneak up on you so much as waits patiently until you are mature enough to notice and, if you're lucky, accept it...
i've accepted the grey hairs, and try to accentuate the curves i like, but this music thing has me worried...because while i enjoy a lot of the new music floating about, i feel kinda like a sell out doing so...like a twenty something who says "oh carlos santana, that guy who plays with rob thomas from matchbox20...yeah that's a cool song"
when carlos santana gets reduced to *cool song* you know there just isn't much hope...
in many circles, okay in most, i am decidedly unfashionable and unhip...but i think it's just a survival mechanism...i figure it comes down to astrology...as a cancer i simply cannot keep up with what's in at the moment...whether it be fashion, drinks, or music...
i cannot hitch my wagon to a star only to have it fade the moment we take off...reminds me too much of *dating*, not to mention is just too damned hard on a soul that likes to settle in and get comfortable and a heart that clings on for dear life to whatever comes within its orbit...
like stoveman who says he's tired of getting used to sons-in-laws only to have them be replaced, i can't get used to something only to have it go out of favor for something *better*...
that's why i still wear roughly the same kind of clothes i have for years, drink beer from a can whenever possible, and keep stevie nicks handy...
again, stoveman attributes it to that strong streak of trash that he says runs through me, and while i agree with that assessment (he's just jealous) i also think i've found what i like and i'm sticking with it...
don't get me wrong, i like trying new things as much as, well anyone who possesses a vice-grip heart...
but i tell ya' i cannot get behind precious little glasses filled with some kinda sweet colored liquid...because i am more of a gulper than a sipper and because i need a little more to hang onto...i like the feel of an ice cold long neck bottle and the crush of an empty beer can...and while i worked it the very best i could at the time, it took me weeks to recover from the last time i wore heels...
and really, there is just too much repetition in this world...too much comes back around to get all caught up in what's *in* at this moment...and while i envy those who can and want to keep re-hitching their wagons, i simply cannot do it, nor do i want to...
do what you love, the rest comes...
and this weekend, i wish you all the opportunity to do just that...
carpe cerevisi!!!
x.
sigh...
it's obviously not a new phenomenon, but one i've only just become to be concerned about...it's a sign of aging...along with grey hairs and unexplained curves, aging doesn't sneak up on you so much as waits patiently until you are mature enough to notice and, if you're lucky, accept it...
i've accepted the grey hairs, and try to accentuate the curves i like, but this music thing has me worried...because while i enjoy a lot of the new music floating about, i feel kinda like a sell out doing so...like a twenty something who says "oh carlos santana, that guy who plays with rob thomas from matchbox20...yeah that's a cool song"
when carlos santana gets reduced to *cool song* you know there just isn't much hope...
in many circles, okay in most, i am decidedly unfashionable and unhip...but i think it's just a survival mechanism...i figure it comes down to astrology...as a cancer i simply cannot keep up with what's in at the moment...whether it be fashion, drinks, or music...
i cannot hitch my wagon to a star only to have it fade the moment we take off...reminds me too much of *dating*, not to mention is just too damned hard on a soul that likes to settle in and get comfortable and a heart that clings on for dear life to whatever comes within its orbit...
like stoveman who says he's tired of getting used to sons-in-laws only to have them be replaced, i can't get used to something only to have it go out of favor for something *better*...
that's why i still wear roughly the same kind of clothes i have for years, drink beer from a can whenever possible, and keep stevie nicks handy...
again, stoveman attributes it to that strong streak of trash that he says runs through me, and while i agree with that assessment (he's just jealous) i also think i've found what i like and i'm sticking with it...
don't get me wrong, i like trying new things as much as, well anyone who possesses a vice-grip heart...
but i tell ya' i cannot get behind precious little glasses filled with some kinda sweet colored liquid...because i am more of a gulper than a sipper and because i need a little more to hang onto...i like the feel of an ice cold long neck bottle and the crush of an empty beer can...and while i worked it the very best i could at the time, it took me weeks to recover from the last time i wore heels...
and really, there is just too much repetition in this world...too much comes back around to get all caught up in what's *in* at this moment...and while i envy those who can and want to keep re-hitching their wagons, i simply cannot do it, nor do i want to...
do what you love, the rest comes...
and this weekend, i wish you all the opportunity to do just that...
carpe cerevisi!!!
x.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
for what it's worth, my two cents...
there is a lot i have to say about our nation's latest disaster...the initial one lobbed down by mother nature and the subsequent one created by the failure of every. possible. level. of our nation's government...
but i am afraid i am far too emotional to be clear...and as there are people far more knowledgeable and insightful and politically savvy than i taking part in on-going dialogue, i will spare you my personal opinions in that respect...
but tragedy inspires reflection, and i do want to say this...it's something that i try teach my own sons...
i tell my boys that in this world there is always the potential for heartache, pain, accident, disaster (natural and otherwise)...always...it's a beautiful and wondrous world to be sure, but uncertain as well...situations and people have the capacity to be as wonderful or as cruel as they can be...
so that when they tease and taunt each other, hit and trip one another, exclude and ignore each other that they aren't just being "kids" or "brothers" or "boys"...they are, but they are also just being cruel...
and in a world that can be so very cruel we should create and maintain a safe haven in our own family...
that we must protect and cherish one another...
i emphasize that this must also extend to their friends and family and community...
at the risk of sounding like someone who overdosed on the little white pills, i think that there is an incredible need for more love and community and humanity in this world...starting with our own little corners of the world...
there is a significant shift taking place in the world right now...a shift that could go either way...and if we don't direct this shift, then we will be directed by it...
and the time is now...because while each day brings new possibility, time does run out...
we need to love one another more...we need to cherish and honor one another more...we need to close our mouths and open our hearts to one another more...
we need to be a shelter for one another...
we need to release judgment and embrace possibility...
and as the world's biggest cynic and hypocrite believe me i fully understand the challenges of this...
it's about love and it's about intention...simple in concept, but two of the very hardest for us to grasp and commit to as individuals...even harder to as a global community...
i want to be able to rise to the occasion...whatever the occasion...i want my sons to be able to do so as well...and i would like to think that when the shit hits the fan that there are others that would stand beside and behind me...willingly...that i will be able to lift up those who need it, and inspire others to do the same for me...
and even when it's not a matter of survival as it usually is not, but just of living the day to day, i want to live a life that inspires others to want to seek me out, and me them...a life where the people who matter most to me choose to be together, rather than accepting it as what needs to be done in light of whatever occasion...
but this is not automatic...it is a culmination of every day that we live, the interactions and reactions we have...each day brings to us an opportunity...it's what we do with that opportunity that determines the course of our life, and as our lives pool into one, ultimately the course this world does take...
in every story there are heroes and villains...there are those who rise and those who fail...there are those who make it and those who do not...
but it's the journey that matters most...and if we travel with love and intention, speaking kindly and carrying a big heart, we take great first steps towards shaping and directing the shift and ultimately the outcome...
listen when all of this around us will fall over
i tell you what we're gonna do
you will shelter me my love
and i will shelter you
x.
but i am afraid i am far too emotional to be clear...and as there are people far more knowledgeable and insightful and politically savvy than i taking part in on-going dialogue, i will spare you my personal opinions in that respect...
but tragedy inspires reflection, and i do want to say this...it's something that i try teach my own sons...
i tell my boys that in this world there is always the potential for heartache, pain, accident, disaster (natural and otherwise)...always...it's a beautiful and wondrous world to be sure, but uncertain as well...situations and people have the capacity to be as wonderful or as cruel as they can be...
so that when they tease and taunt each other, hit and trip one another, exclude and ignore each other that they aren't just being "kids" or "brothers" or "boys"...they are, but they are also just being cruel...
and in a world that can be so very cruel we should create and maintain a safe haven in our own family...
that we must protect and cherish one another...
i emphasize that this must also extend to their friends and family and community...
at the risk of sounding like someone who overdosed on the little white pills, i think that there is an incredible need for more love and community and humanity in this world...starting with our own little corners of the world...
there is a significant shift taking place in the world right now...a shift that could go either way...and if we don't direct this shift, then we will be directed by it...
and the time is now...because while each day brings new possibility, time does run out...
we need to love one another more...we need to cherish and honor one another more...we need to close our mouths and open our hearts to one another more...
we need to be a shelter for one another...
we need to release judgment and embrace possibility...
and as the world's biggest cynic and hypocrite believe me i fully understand the challenges of this...
it's about love and it's about intention...simple in concept, but two of the very hardest for us to grasp and commit to as individuals...even harder to as a global community...
i want to be able to rise to the occasion...whatever the occasion...i want my sons to be able to do so as well...and i would like to think that when the shit hits the fan that there are others that would stand beside and behind me...willingly...that i will be able to lift up those who need it, and inspire others to do the same for me...
and even when it's not a matter of survival as it usually is not, but just of living the day to day, i want to live a life that inspires others to want to seek me out, and me them...a life where the people who matter most to me choose to be together, rather than accepting it as what needs to be done in light of whatever occasion...
but this is not automatic...it is a culmination of every day that we live, the interactions and reactions we have...each day brings to us an opportunity...it's what we do with that opportunity that determines the course of our life, and as our lives pool into one, ultimately the course this world does take...
in every story there are heroes and villains...there are those who rise and those who fail...there are those who make it and those who do not...
but it's the journey that matters most...and if we travel with love and intention, speaking kindly and carrying a big heart, we take great first steps towards shaping and directing the shift and ultimately the outcome...
listen when all of this around us will fall over
i tell you what we're gonna do
you will shelter me my love
and i will shelter you
x.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
and so it begins...
wingman started his first year of "out of the house" preschool today...he schooled with us all last year, but because he can successfully poop and pee in the potty by himself, this year he is going to the little school through the woods next door...
apparently no child gets left behind unless they still pee their pants...
i have been joking with him for a few days now that when i drop him off i will stand outside of the door and cry and cry...this actually has eased what slight fear he had a bit...he finds it funny that i would be so sad that he was at school...
this morning he asked me if i was "really" going to stand outside the door and cry...i told him no, that i was "really" just kidding like i told him i was...
then he said
"yeah, because den the udder kids would say 'who is dat crying?...is dat your mom?'...and den i would say (and he does the next part in a spot on valley girl voice...???)...'um, no...dat is like my stepmom' "
and then he laughed and laughed while i poured another shot of whiskey into my coffee and endured visions of him in a few years walking ten feet ahead of me at all times in public places and diving down to the floor of the car whenever we drove past someone he knew...
i know that adolescents act like pre-schoolers at times, okay MOST of the time, but i am new to this pre-schoolers as adolescents thing...i didn't go through it with the duke (god love his nerdy little soul) but it seems i will be going through it with wingman...
guess it's time to fill the flask and lock up the girlie magazines...
x.
apparently no child gets left behind unless they still pee their pants...
i have been joking with him for a few days now that when i drop him off i will stand outside of the door and cry and cry...this actually has eased what slight fear he had a bit...he finds it funny that i would be so sad that he was at school...
this morning he asked me if i was "really" going to stand outside the door and cry...i told him no, that i was "really" just kidding like i told him i was...
then he said
"yeah, because den the udder kids would say 'who is dat crying?...is dat your mom?'...and den i would say (and he does the next part in a spot on valley girl voice...???)...'um, no...dat is like my stepmom' "
and then he laughed and laughed while i poured another shot of whiskey into my coffee and endured visions of him in a few years walking ten feet ahead of me at all times in public places and diving down to the floor of the car whenever we drove past someone he knew...
i know that adolescents act like pre-schoolers at times, okay MOST of the time, but i am new to this pre-schoolers as adolescents thing...i didn't go through it with the duke (god love his nerdy little soul) but it seems i will be going through it with wingman...
guess it's time to fill the flask and lock up the girlie magazines...
x.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
meet joe cat...
okay, this is creepy...
for the last few days since we've gotten back from our trip there is this cat hanging around...never seen him before, a stray most likely...out here we get strays from time to time so it's not that unusual...
except that this cat looks exactly like the dying cat!!...exactly...only younger, fitter, and with a tail (she lost hers very early on)...i kid you not, the exact spitting image!...and as our cat is a pure bred and kinda an unusual breed at that, it's even creepier!
our cat has a doppelganger!!
it hangs around all the time...just sitting in the driveway staring at the house, or on the porch staring at the door, or in the bush in the window staring in...
it is so incredibly creepy the way he stares in here, too...i can't tell if he's waiting for her to die or for me to take off my shirt...
shudder...i picked the wrong lifetime to live as a virtually single mother who is afraid of the dark in the middle of nowhere...just me and the boybarians and creepy joe cat...
and i saw that movie...how brad pitt um, *cozies* up to the daughter before he takes her father to the other side/death...uh huh, as creeped out as i am that cat had still better watch his step...
because i'm not sure exactly who he thinks the "daughter" is in this scenario, but it sure as hell is not me and he better not try to convice me otherwise...
and he is for damned sure no brad pitt...
x.
for the last few days since we've gotten back from our trip there is this cat hanging around...never seen him before, a stray most likely...out here we get strays from time to time so it's not that unusual...
except that this cat looks exactly like the dying cat!!...exactly...only younger, fitter, and with a tail (she lost hers very early on)...i kid you not, the exact spitting image!...and as our cat is a pure bred and kinda an unusual breed at that, it's even creepier!
our cat has a doppelganger!!
it hangs around all the time...just sitting in the driveway staring at the house, or on the porch staring at the door, or in the bush in the window staring in...
it is so incredibly creepy the way he stares in here, too...i can't tell if he's waiting for her to die or for me to take off my shirt...
shudder...i picked the wrong lifetime to live as a virtually single mother who is afraid of the dark in the middle of nowhere...just me and the boybarians and creepy joe cat...
and i saw that movie...how brad pitt um, *cozies* up to the daughter before he takes her father to the other side/death...uh huh, as creeped out as i am that cat had still better watch his step...
because i'm not sure exactly who he thinks the "daughter" is in this scenario, but it sure as hell is not me and he better not try to convice me otherwise...
and he is for damned sure no brad pitt...
x.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
the bitch is back...(sort of)
hello my friends!
man have i missed you all...i am only slightly back until monday...which is back to school for the duke and i so i can't make any promises of a real post...
so here i am...the last two weeks found me in the thick of lil sis's wedding and then a wonderful vacation seeing the absolute best people in the most beautiful places of california...
anyhow, just wanted to touch base and let you know you have not been let off the hook!
and just to let you know what i continue to deal with, vacation or otherwise, i offer you this little nugget regarding the port of oakland...wingman asked
"wow, what's in all those containers, mama!?"
"oh, all kinds of stuff from all over the world"
to which the duke replies
"yeah...like silks...and spices...and hyundais"
there oughta be a law.
looking forward to being back...
x.
man have i missed you all...i am only slightly back until monday...which is back to school for the duke and i so i can't make any promises of a real post...
so here i am...the last two weeks found me in the thick of lil sis's wedding and then a wonderful vacation seeing the absolute best people in the most beautiful places of california...
anyhow, just wanted to touch base and let you know you have not been let off the hook!
and just to let you know what i continue to deal with, vacation or otherwise, i offer you this little nugget regarding the port of oakland...wingman asked
"wow, what's in all those containers, mama!?"
"oh, all kinds of stuff from all over the world"
to which the duke replies
"yeah...like silks...and spices...and hyundais"
there oughta be a law.
looking forward to being back...
x.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
further proof that i should just stay home...
so yesterday i go to have a dress altered...
i have the dress on and the woman asks me what i need done to it...
so i say jokingly
"well i either need bigger boobs or the top needs to be taken in"
to which she responds
"oh no you boob is perfect!...you have the nice boob!...you boob aren't all wrinkly like old lady boob!...you pretty pretty girl!!"
um, okay...thank you for that?...really, good to know because it never occurred to me that i might have wrinkly boobs gawd almighty WHAT NEXT!...
really, i can't take myself anywhere...
after the *boob* incident i get dressed and she is becoming increasingly taken with wingman...in a very sweet completely creepy insane way...
"i love you! i love you! you come give grandma a hug and kiss!...i no bite you i love you!...i hug and kiss you!...you give me kiss i give you candy!"
oh my...
and wingman (who cannot be bribed, threatened, or cajoled into ANYTHING) is standing behind me with that look on his face like "lady, please! AS IF!"
so what does she do?...she starts at his feet laying chocolate down into a little trail leading towards the counter where she and i are standing finishing our transaction...
i'm doing my best to ignore the insanity and hurry up, and he's just standing there blatantly ignoring her and the trail of candy...
"see!...i give the candy!...you like the chocolate!...you come give grandma a kiss and a hug!...grandma loves you!!"
she and i finish up and agree when i'll come to pick up the dress (yes i have to go BACK!)...we say our goodbyes and wingman and i head out the door...
meanwhile as she's still calling to him that she loves him i look down and notice the entire trail of candy is gone and wingman's pockets are not so suspiciously bulging...
see now, that kid knows how to deal with the world at large...which is one trait he clearly does NOT get from his mother...i of the "fat" neck and the "no wrinkly boob"...
no, i am the human freak magnet times ten further complicated by my own inability to have a normal encounter with ANYONE, and wingman's all veni vidi vici mr. cool as a cucumber with a pocket full of chocolate and his integrity intact...
x.
i have the dress on and the woman asks me what i need done to it...
so i say jokingly
"well i either need bigger boobs or the top needs to be taken in"
to which she responds
"oh no you boob is perfect!...you have the nice boob!...you boob aren't all wrinkly like old lady boob!...you pretty pretty girl!!"
um, okay...thank you for that?...really, good to know because it never occurred to me that i might have wrinkly boobs gawd almighty WHAT NEXT!...
really, i can't take myself anywhere...
after the *boob* incident i get dressed and she is becoming increasingly taken with wingman...in a very sweet completely creepy insane way...
"i love you! i love you! you come give grandma a hug and kiss!...i no bite you i love you!...i hug and kiss you!...you give me kiss i give you candy!"
oh my...
and wingman (who cannot be bribed, threatened, or cajoled into ANYTHING) is standing behind me with that look on his face like "lady, please! AS IF!"
so what does she do?...she starts at his feet laying chocolate down into a little trail leading towards the counter where she and i are standing finishing our transaction...
i'm doing my best to ignore the insanity and hurry up, and he's just standing there blatantly ignoring her and the trail of candy...
"see!...i give the candy!...you like the chocolate!...you come give grandma a kiss and a hug!...grandma loves you!!"
she and i finish up and agree when i'll come to pick up the dress (yes i have to go BACK!)...we say our goodbyes and wingman and i head out the door...
meanwhile as she's still calling to him that she loves him i look down and notice the entire trail of candy is gone and wingman's pockets are not so suspiciously bulging...
see now, that kid knows how to deal with the world at large...which is one trait he clearly does NOT get from his mother...i of the "fat" neck and the "no wrinkly boob"...
no, i am the human freak magnet times ten further complicated by my own inability to have a normal encounter with ANYONE, and wingman's all veni vidi vici mr. cool as a cucumber with a pocket full of chocolate and his integrity intact...
x.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
now tell me how you really feel...
overheard last night in the back seat leaving the parking lot of a bike trail/skate park...
little friend: "hey, none of those kids are wearing helmets while they skate"
the duke: "that's because they're teenagers and they're practically free of their mothers"
nice.
and two days ago wingman tells me that when he grows up he wants fourteen children
"but we'll all still live with you and papa forever"
fabulous.
parenting is a lot like being incarcerated...if it doesn't make you cry it'll make you crazy...
x.
little friend: "hey, none of those kids are wearing helmets while they skate"
the duke: "that's because they're teenagers and they're practically free of their mothers"
nice.
and two days ago wingman tells me that when he grows up he wants fourteen children
"but we'll all still live with you and papa forever"
fabulous.
parenting is a lot like being incarcerated...if it doesn't make you cry it'll make you crazy...
x.
Monday, August 08, 2005
i need to call jennifer aniston and schedule a lunch...
seems the lord of the ring just got put on managing a big ol' project in england that brad pitt just happens to be collaborating on the design for...
which means the lord of the ring will likely at some point come into contact with brad and by default angelina jolie...
i told him look, i understand men are apparently powerless in her presence...like the avian flu you get it you deal with it and hopefully you come out alive...no biggie 'cuz what can you do, you know?...just be sure the mortgage is getting paid and in the end you haven't adopted any children i will eventually have to be responsible for...
and then today as we were driving home wingman pipes up from the back with a request only a four year old can conjure up
"i want a step-father like my cousin has!"
and i just thought, hey kid if your dad plays his cards right you just might get one AND a new mommy to boot!
heh heh...what would i do if i actually had a life i just don't know...
x.
which means the lord of the ring will likely at some point come into contact with brad and by default angelina jolie...
i told him look, i understand men are apparently powerless in her presence...like the avian flu you get it you deal with it and hopefully you come out alive...no biggie 'cuz what can you do, you know?...just be sure the mortgage is getting paid and in the end you haven't adopted any children i will eventually have to be responsible for...
and then today as we were driving home wingman pipes up from the back with a request only a four year old can conjure up
"i want a step-father like my cousin has!"
and i just thought, hey kid if your dad plays his cards right you just might get one AND a new mommy to boot!
heh heh...what would i do if i actually had a life i just don't know...
x.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
i wanna be sedated so cue the banjos, jimbob...
some days you stop and take a good look around and wonder why it is some charity hasn't just scooped you up and put you on a poster yet...
my doctor is concerned because i have a "fat"neck, i've got two dead cars in my front yard, and wingman's teeth are rotting out of his mouth faster than my "uncle" grant could put away a twelve pack...
i kid you not BOTH of our cars broke down as in DEAD within an HOUR of each other...the doctor is concerned about my "fat" neck and has been running some blood tests to rule out, um, hmmm, the fact that i have a "fat" neck???...
"have you ever noticed your neck seems large?"
"um, no...what do you mean by 'large'?"
"large as in 'fat'...be assured, the rest of you isn't 'fat'...you have some extra weight for the size of your frame, but i don't think it's a problem...yet...but i'm concerned about your neck"
um, what???!!!...unless you *are* "fat", which she says i am *not*, then why would your neck be "fat"???...doesn't that seem curious in that creepy lemony snicket kinda way???...i mean who says this???...and hey, she's also my gynecologist so what's next?...next she's gonna tell me i have a "fat" vagina???...then what in the hell am i gonna do??...
*curious* indeed...
but i digress...
it's wingman i'm most concerned about...my baby...that kid...lately i just want to pick him up hold him and not put him down...turns out he's got major decay on his four front teeth and some bits here and there on three others in the back...
they call it "baby bottle decay"...you know, you leave the kid with milk or juice at bedtime night after night in a bottle and it as they fall asleep the liquid pools and eats away at the front teeth?...
only the little bugger has never had a bottle in his life!...unless there's something he's not telling me...dude, maybe someone's been keeping him in rubber nipples and gatorade...the parents are always the last to know...
seriously it is a very sucky situation...words like "four caps on the front and three in the back" and "sedation" and "general anesthesia" and "sterile field" and "procedure possibly to be done at hospital" and "no parents allowed during" are being tossed around and this mama is having a time dealing with all of that...
wingman is an awesomely daredevilish kinda guy...but the dentist?...it took him two visits to just open his mouth...he's a nervous dental patient to be sure...and he's little...man is he little...so they are concerned for his ability to withstand it all...
and it's not like his dental hygiene has been neglected...i brushed and then he brushed, admittedly only occasionally flossed but floss was introduced!!, no bottle, healthy diet, and dot. dot. dot...
we did everything we were supposed to do and it still happened and i feel sick for wingman...
we go on monday for the consult...and a better idea of the decay...i haven't even mentioned the possibility that the decay is so bad he has to have all four front teeth pulled...let's keep our fingers crossed on that one...
everything happens to him...he's such a great, cool kid and lately everything happens to him...three weeks ago he stepped on a freshly dead rodent in the front yard in bare feet...got bitten by a deer tick two weeks ago (still waiting for the signs and symptoms on that)...and now, well now we get over the next hurdle...
poor kid...first it was the channeling of the big hair butt rock air guitar, and now the OBVIOUS predisposition to bad teeth...everyone says he looks like his father but damned it if everything else doesn't just scream MOM!!!...
at this point the best i can hope for is a swift and positive resolution to his teeth dilemma, more sophisticated channeling of *more importantly* better musical influences in the future, and above all no matter what just a bit of sedation gets kicked down my way in the meantime...
x.
p.s. could y'all keep wingman in your thoughts and prayers? i have a feeling he's gonna need all the vibes he can get...
my doctor is concerned because i have a "fat"neck, i've got two dead cars in my front yard, and wingman's teeth are rotting out of his mouth faster than my "uncle" grant could put away a twelve pack...
i kid you not BOTH of our cars broke down as in DEAD within an HOUR of each other...the doctor is concerned about my "fat" neck and has been running some blood tests to rule out, um, hmmm, the fact that i have a "fat" neck???...
"have you ever noticed your neck seems large?"
"um, no...what do you mean by 'large'?"
"large as in 'fat'...be assured, the rest of you isn't 'fat'...you have some extra weight for the size of your frame, but i don't think it's a problem...yet...but i'm concerned about your neck"
um, what???!!!...unless you *are* "fat", which she says i am *not*, then why would your neck be "fat"???...doesn't that seem curious in that creepy lemony snicket kinda way???...i mean who says this???...and hey, she's also my gynecologist so what's next?...next she's gonna tell me i have a "fat" vagina???...then what in the hell am i gonna do??...
*curious* indeed...
but i digress...
it's wingman i'm most concerned about...my baby...that kid...lately i just want to pick him up hold him and not put him down...turns out he's got major decay on his four front teeth and some bits here and there on three others in the back...
they call it "baby bottle decay"...you know, you leave the kid with milk or juice at bedtime night after night in a bottle and it as they fall asleep the liquid pools and eats away at the front teeth?...
only the little bugger has never had a bottle in his life!...unless there's something he's not telling me...dude, maybe someone's been keeping him in rubber nipples and gatorade...the parents are always the last to know...
seriously it is a very sucky situation...words like "four caps on the front and three in the back" and "sedation" and "general anesthesia" and "sterile field" and "procedure possibly to be done at hospital" and "no parents allowed during" are being tossed around and this mama is having a time dealing with all of that...
wingman is an awesomely daredevilish kinda guy...but the dentist?...it took him two visits to just open his mouth...he's a nervous dental patient to be sure...and he's little...man is he little...so they are concerned for his ability to withstand it all...
and it's not like his dental hygiene has been neglected...i brushed and then he brushed, admittedly only occasionally flossed but floss was introduced!!, no bottle, healthy diet, and dot. dot. dot...
we did everything we were supposed to do and it still happened and i feel sick for wingman...
we go on monday for the consult...and a better idea of the decay...i haven't even mentioned the possibility that the decay is so bad he has to have all four front teeth pulled...let's keep our fingers crossed on that one...
everything happens to him...he's such a great, cool kid and lately everything happens to him...three weeks ago he stepped on a freshly dead rodent in the front yard in bare feet...got bitten by a deer tick two weeks ago (still waiting for the signs and symptoms on that)...and now, well now we get over the next hurdle...
poor kid...first it was the channeling of the big hair butt rock air guitar, and now the OBVIOUS predisposition to bad teeth...everyone says he looks like his father but damned it if everything else doesn't just scream MOM!!!...
at this point the best i can hope for is a swift and positive resolution to his teeth dilemma, more sophisticated channeling of *more importantly* better musical influences in the future, and above all no matter what just a bit of sedation gets kicked down my way in the meantime...
x.
p.s. could y'all keep wingman in your thoughts and prayers? i have a feeling he's gonna need all the vibes he can get...
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