HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BAG LADY IN PARIS!

on this day may your heart be light and your bags lighter...

and while i wish you were here so i could bake you a beautiful cake, gather you a bouquet from my garden, and help you go over your spankin' new AARP membership papers, my love and wishes from afar will have to do...

however, i do want you to know that in honor of you i *did* think twice today before leaving the house with wet hair...

i still did it anyway, but really what can you expect of the rebel women that you (air-quote) allegedly (air-unquote) birthed?

so happy happy birthday to you, dear bag lady in paris...i love you very much and wish you a blessed year...

x.

under the big top...

lately i feel like the bearded fat lady in a three ring circus...but that's another post..for now, i will introduce to you the clowns that are currently running the show here at the big red house...

presenting the duke of fun and wingman!

i don't use the word clown lightly, either...it's really quite a charged word as there are many schools of thought and repulsion on the very idea of the *clown*...while some find clowns amusing and only slightly annoying, others see them as downright creepy...and today, as in many days past, we had a bit of each...

this morning while the duke was discussing his upcoming visit with his cousin he said quite matter of factly (as he does all his odd and worrisome statements)

"i'm going to ask her to call me "bozo" the whole time i'm there"

"oh. why"

"because it's cool"

hm...okay...to each his own...at at least he hasn't started wearing makeup or loud clothing...yet...

then not fifteen minutes later i see wingman walk by me holding a shirt to his nose and saying

"mmm...the smell of my brother"

yep...definitely creepy clown...and i had such high hopes when he was born...

x.

it's friday, it's raining, and it's "mama, where's my sash?!?" more often than i can count...

ah yes, the duke's ever present all important tears the house apart when he misplaces it sash...

my life keeps me humble...very, very, humble...

call off the dogs, i shall return on monday...

and yes, i miss you too...

x.

the duke of fun has finally met his "people" and gee, *not* surprisingly enough, it's *not* us!...

we took the duke to a civil war re-enactment on sunday...

oh. my. god. you could have eaten the look on his face with a spoon...

anyhow, of course it was hot and loud and chaotic and weird and i didn't understand a bit of it (the lord of the ring who would know about it took his fair-ass skin and that of his mini-me, wingman, and lit for the shade...truth be told, i begged them to (though i wouldn't *think* of removing the equally fair skinned duke to shade away from the action) , because with their ancestry they are just sitting ducks when it comes to sunlight and i am of no doubt whatsoever of some mediterranean gypsy descent and therefore meant to deal with the sun (though my maternal grandma would keel over on her 9 foot couch in her rent-controlled and climate-controlled apartment to know i just said that!) which means i can handle the sun and therefore hang with the duke) but the duke you should have seen him...made it worth it all...

right up in the action and didn't miss a beat...he knows what one needs to know about the civil war and all its attendant participants/battles/details to make it the greatest show on earth...

apparently i didn't know enough to bring a topped-off flask...but, i digress...

he's a good boy...he's a great boy!...the best!...his dedication, his belief, his sincerity...oh it is heartbreaking to be sure...

so i pasted on *that* smile and held in there through the canons and the shooting and all those grown men trussed up in excruciatingly accurate period dress and pretending they were shot and wounded and dying and dead and...dot.dot.dot...well, i do believe you can imagine the scene...

but my son, my son is an amazing human being...he could have happened into any number of families...but he happened into *ours*...

there is no way to adequately thank those that need to be thanked for sending him my way...for entrusting him to the people he calls mama and papa...to this family...we are all the better for knowing and loving the duke...

so three cheers to the duke of fun!

for his sheer passion! enthusiasm! and appreciation! for all manner of things i would never in my *entire life* care about or seek to understand...

wow, and just once to see that grin...the unabashed open for the world to see smile that takes over his person and starts touching the people around him...

we can't always know or understand or even begin to pretend to understand another's enthusiasm, but this world wouldn't be half as wonderful if we all didn't at least try...

and the duke, well he'd be the first one taking an interest in your interests and he'd be front and center the absolute loudest one cheering you on your way....

that is love...love of life, love of friend, love of self...

and i love him for that...

but that does not mean for one moment you will catch me in a hoop skirt and complicated period hair tending an outdoor hearth and entertaining the general public, the ass--i mean masses, who come through to see "living history" on the odd weekend whilst my collective menfolk nancy about in the manliest of ways in greyish blue outfits...

no sir, there is certainly not ever gonna be a big enough flask to accomodate that...

x.

it's friday, it's beautiful outside, and i can't pay someone to take a gander at me bottomless...

i was to see a new *ladies doctor* yesterday but was told to reschedule my appointment after i sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half and after i waited two months for the appointment to begin with...

then when i called to cancel for good today as i have decided to see someone else, i sat on the phone for 43 minutes waiting for the "high volume of calls" to be answered...mine never got answered...

not only do i NOT have any amount of child care for this kind of time wasting i also do NOT have the patience...

the way i see it they owe ME for the appointment as i would owe them if i didn't keep it...

oh, and a new phone as mine recently smashed itself into the wall...ooops...

it's a hard reality when you've got a date for someone to check out your girly bits and you not only get stood up, you also can't get them on the phone...

i think i just may be losing my touch in my old age...

x.

knowledge is power and also kinda creepy...

this morning out of the blue the duke says

"hey mama did you know that the aztecs didn't allow women to eat chocolate because they believed it encouraged naughty thoughts?"

"oh...really"

"yeah but now women eat way way more chocolate than ANYONE...what does that tell you!"

i am really really curious to meet the people he chooses to date, and especially those who choose him back...

x.

happy summer solstice!

today so far:

the duke about a 1/2 hour ago "nah, i don't want to watch t.v...i'm just going to play a game of chess against myself because i'm feeling restless and i want to keep out of trouble"

wingman about ten minutes ago "we don't haveta' wait to clean the back room...let's do it now...i will start!"

what this says to me is that the boybarians, the real boybarians, are probably somewhere right now getting probed by aliens, and i'm *supposed* to think they are still here due to the *clever* impostors taking their place...

nice try...apparently not only do the aliens not read my blog, they obviously do not understand the term *boybarians*...

meanwhile i have managed to do little more than eat a LOT of cheese today and wonder why it is on the first day of summer i a) just now boxed up the boybarians' heavy jackets because i think they may not need them anymore, and b) why there is no actual sun...

i know there are *real* problems in the world, but living in the pacific northwest as i do it is my geographical duty to complain and piss and moan and whine about the weather as if it is truly that important...and the cheese eating?...definitely not a pacific northwest thing (unless it is some kind of soy or nut concoction OR is done in a secretive and gluttonous manner with a lot of guilt and shame attached OR if you are drunk on margaritas at mama's in belltown and therefore don't care that everything is double dipped and smothered in cheese)

likely i come by it through marriage...the lord of the ring has roots in wisconsin, one whole side of his family in fact...and while he has never been there and doesn't know any of those people, apparently cheese roots run deep and wide...which is about gonna' explain my ass if i don't stop eating the cheese...

i am just going to try and enjoy the peace and quiet the "boybarians" are allowing me (secretly wishing the aliens are slow in their probing) and try to stay away from the cheese for the rest of the day (secretly wishing i could eat the whole damned block)...

it really is going to be the longest day of the year...

x.

i don't know, you tell me...

while on a hike in the beautiful woods this weekend the duke of fun took a little moment behind a tree to go pee, and came back saying

"the forest is just one big toilet!"

i looked at the lord of the ring and said

"yup, he's got to be a republican"



and because i get this question a lot, including this very afternoon, i offer the following

a refresher course in the cast of characters here at the big red house

the lord of the ring is the husband

the duke of fun is the first born, 8

wingman is the little brother, 4

the bag lady in paris is my mother (or so she says)

stoveman is my dad

the dying cat was our cat who is dying but mostly pissing me off in a BIG way, but i shall now refer to her as p. kitty just because

there are many others, but they are fairly self explanatory...and hell, send me a wad of cash and i'll give you a name and work you into the cast!...

and back to the *i don't know, you tell me* file, i saw a minivan on saturday and stopped to admire it...

i'm choosing to believe that it's because my car is so on it's last spark plug that as a result any. thing. is looking good, but i don't know...it's a shake-up of my fundamental core value system is what it is...the minivan is the gateway car...then what's next?...a shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible dinner?...white keds?...adult sized sweatshirts with children's movie characters on them?...an undeniable love for josh groban?...

it's a damned good thing i got my tattoos when i did...there's nothing like a grown woman with a disney character tattooed on her ankle and a steering wheel cover to match...

x.

it's friday, it's sunny, and it's a THREE DAY weekend with the lord of the ring...

yes, three whole days with papa for father's day...

we are all very excited to spend more than our allotted twelve minutes a week with him and we can barely stand it...we are currently all having some duke-made oatmeal to curb the enthusiasm...

so to all of you fathers out there may sunday see you basking in the love and light of your own family...

and to stoveman, i raise my glass and offer up thanks for digging me out of the sand all those years ago...

x.

happy bloomsday!

it's june 16th and once again time to celebrate james joyce's novel ulysses...

if you haven't read it, the entire novel takes place in one day...hour by hour on june 16, 1904 in dublin...it is the story of an odysseus like journey through the streets of dublin by one leopold bloom...

hence, bloomsday...this year marks the 101st anniversary of that journey and is celebrated around the world with readings and costumes and yes, drinking...especially so in dublin...

and since most people haven't ever read ulysses or have tried and failed miserably, a pint or five of guinness is infinitely easier and a hell of a lot more fun...

as i write this it is after 5 in dublin (like it matters)...which means for all intents and purposes i am miserably behind in the, um, festivities...

so to james and leopold and stephen, and yes yes yes to molly, i raise a glass to you and thank god every day that i have already read ulysses and therefore a) don't ever ever ever have to read it again, and b) can drink to you all in guilt free abandon...

though i do believe i'll pass on the thick giblet soup...

x.

i am having your average male mid-life crisis...

i want a brand new ford mustang...oh. my. god. are they gorgeous...i want it fast and with a huge sound system and as shiny black as a hooker heel...

living in a mainly military area i tend to see a lot of these...which is odd because that would normally turn me off...plus, i don't even like new cars...especially new cars that everyone else has...

but i like these...a lot...and i want one...like nobody's business...

stoveman always did say i had a strong streak of trash in me...though i suspect even he couldn't tell how deep it would run...

it gets worse...

i have been eying a boy i saw on the disney channel...okay, before you call michael jackson's attorney let me just say it was NOT a disney channel kid's show...i saw him in a box office movie that just happened to be being replayed on the disney channel...a movie wherein he plays a high school kid, but i am pretty sure he isn't...well, reasonably sure...

worse yet is i was watching this movie on a lord of the ring free friday night while the kids were sleeping...me and the disney channel and a bottle of wine...hey, at least it wasn't demi moore, and i was in bed by 10:15...though i wouldn't say that's progression in any form...

and no, he isn't a cartoon...because that would be just a whole 'nother realm of creepy...

the movie in question was the princess diaries...and i have to say i enjoyed it quite a great deal...and i don't think it was the wine, coulda been, but i don't think so because it was actually a charming and very well crafted movie...

(to be sure i wasn't just in it for the boy, i checked with various sources, aka mothers of girls, and got their opinions and they all loved it and said it was a good movie...so it turns out it's just like reading playboy for the articles...SCORE!)

anyhow, the boy in question is robert schwartzman...and is he ever dreamy...i know, he looks a bit like a monkee (the band, not the animal) but i also think steven tyler is dreamy too so what do i know?...

but again, needless to say, had the movie been crap i woulda still been able to tell you how it turned out...

plus, he's practically a coppola...cousin to sophia and nicolas, nephew to francis (looking someone up on the internet is *not* stalking)...but more importantly there's the winery...musn't forget the winery...yup, nothing like having a winery in the family to really round it all out...i wish i had a winery, though something tells me that would be *not* such a good idea...at the least, not very profitable...

i am however choosing to ignore the fact that he's in a band named for the principal in ferris bueller's day off...i will never reconcile my youth as current retro pop culture...that so shines a big ol' glaring light on his age, but mainly just makes me feel older than dirt...

and i don't know whether it's a coincidence or not that this started right about the time anne bancroft passed, but it does make one wonder...

koo-koo-ka-choo...

x.

what a difference a day (or two) makes...

i started off last week overwhelmed and feverish, overworked and alone with the boybarians, and ended the week in the beautiful windy city with the lord of the ring for a friend's wedding and our first getaway WITHOUT KIDS since before the duke was born...

(anutieEN married an indian god in a dark and moody all schwanked out supper club in the middle of the afternoon...and while i never would have thought any wedding of hers would happen that way in the least, it was fabulous, she was fabulous, and it couldn't have been more her)

walking down the street of an incredibly cool city with nothing more on the agenda than the acquisition of dangly earrings and a mind numbing drink on a beautiful balmy friday evening will sure put it ALL into perspective and give one hope...

the kind of hope that cracks open your soul and lets in the light...like manna from heaven filling the void brought on by years of leaking orifices, sleep that never hits rem, and the mind numbing non-stop chatter that growing children inflict upon any. one. (but mainly me) willing or decidedly *un*willing to listen in a ten mile radius...

i even thought i could hear the angels singing as i took the first sip, but it turns out it was just the amazing amount of amazingly drunk red sox fans in town for the three game series with the cubs...(in case you're interested, the sox got slaughtered...but i'm reasonably sure they drink like that regardless)

i say who needs religion when you've got a kid-free weekend, a motel room, and unlimited amounts of alcohol?

x.

as i lay dying...

heard from the dining room

the duke of fun : "i just saw a mouse run from the stove behind the fridge!"

wingman : matter of factly while he eats his sandwich "there's pawbabwy (probably) gallons of them under the sink"

heard from the kitchen

thud!

me: "hey, what was that?"

the duke of fun: shouting from the general direction of the thud "oh...that was just the new tub of jam hitting the floor and spilling...but don't worry!...there's a whole drawerful of kitchen towels here to clean it up!!...and boy, i might have to use ALL of them!"

denial of recent events and their future implications is quite easy when all you *can* do is close your eyes...

thankfully the fever is gone...

i just hope that mouse enjoyed the jam...

x.

head of heat...

i have a fever...i have had a fever since yesterday...i would love to sit here and continue to type because it would be sooo much more fascinating than lying on the couch hoping the noises from the kitchen where the boybarians are making breakfast aren't as messy as they sound...

but i can't...not only can't i keep a coherent thought, i have so few moments before i keel over...neil young once wrote a whole album while he had a fever, but apparently i am not that talented...or i just don't have the right drugs...

x.

it's friday, it's overcast, and it's a damned good thing i have two boys!

warning, what i am about to write is gender biased and sexist and wrong on so many levels but i am going forward with it anyway...

i am glad i have two boys because i have an acre of lawn...which means that one day i will no longer be responsible for said lawn, and they will...incidentally, i wish that day were today...

there i said it...not that girls or women can't mow lawns (my muscles will agree with that!) , but when i think of being able to *make* someone mow a lawn i think of someone with a penis...and judging from the last time i checked, i'm in luck...

but don't tell the bag (cough! old-school) lady (cough! feminist) in paris i said that...i have a feeling she wouldn't be pleased...

anyhow, you may ask what happened to the resident lawn mower...well i'd certainly like to know too, so i don't really have any answers for you...last i heard he's started to get things dry cleaned and is wearing some sort of *professional* kind of shoe...i suspect it may be a loafer, but i don't want to look because i don't want to know...

so it's me and the briggs and stratton and an acre of grass...who the hell are we, the rockefellers?...why do we have such a big yard!...who needs all this goddamned grass!...some environmentalist is cursing our name over his uncle sam cereal right about now...and i think i can actually hear a spotted owl weeping...

in all fairness, the lord of the ring didn't want me to take over the yard...he wanted to hire some kid (obviously older than ours) for the summer to do it...but because i'm cheap and flabby i decided why not kill two birds with one stone?...

judging from how my body feels this morning, i think i'm one of the birds and my neck feels like it's made of stone...

i had better look like linda hamilton in the terminator by the time the summer's over or there is going to be hell. to. pay.

or, some kid lookin' for a few extra bucks...

x.

hello darkness my old friend; or, why i won't jump the shark...

as you may have noticed, i've been absent a bit...

i know i allude to cyclical issues with anxiety and depression, but there is something that happens every mid to late spring wherein my issues become all consuming...it's a thing, a cycle...it sucks, but it's there and i do the best i can in dealing with it...

what i want to do is go and lie my head down somewhere for a week each year...a place where my needs are met but i hear no other voice and am not required to respond in any way...this isn't the love boat i'm talking about...not a vacation as much as a respite...i suspect the place i am talking about has a lot of people all dressed in white carrying little trays filled with delicious lithium thorazine cocktails...come to think of it, that sounds exactly like the love boat!

because this is not possible, what i do is press on and hope for the best...i realize as a plan, this is not a particularly well thought out one...less hannibal and b.a., more jack tripper and larry...but time marches on, symptoms ease, life returns to *normal*...the "plan" such as it is gets me through...

what i would like to make clear is that this is not the sort of thing that has me rocking back and forth in front of an open window in a daze a la demi moore in st. elmo's fire (you knew i'd work her in)...though if rob lowe would bust in and gather me up, i suppose i'd be game...

quite the opposite...i get up and out of bed every day...i do all the things i *normally* do...food, chores, school...

what i don't do is have a sunny outlook, answer the phone too often, call people back...i avoid going much of anywhere and when i do i try to make it quick...the state i get in doesn't have a lot of latitude for humanity at large...'course i don't have a lot when i'm not cracking up either...

i sit in the green chair...a lot...just sit...or perhaps on the porch when it isn't raining...

the anxiety is nerve endings in hyper overdrive and the depression is just a feeling of aloneness and malaise mixed with doubt and a smidge of despair...i get so tired, too...the kind of tired that takes root and refuses to be shooed away by sleep, exercise, coffee...

but i still *do*...because i can't go away and lie my head down for a week, i still get up and care for these kids...it may mean i weep a bit while sweeping and more easily snap at normal boybarian behavior, but mainly it means i am tired and melancholy and lonely...even with a night's rest, well-meaning friends, and the boybarians for company...

recently two people whom i love and hold dear have delicately suggested the consumption of a pharmaceutical...have i looked into it?, they ask, and if i haven't perhaps i should...that kinda thing...and i suspect they aren't the *only* ones who think so...

now i understand this comes from a place of love, and i myself have been in that position to suggest...but i must say no...yes i have *thought* about it but no i'm not going to...not now...

i have not reached a point wherein i feel the necessity to eradicate what brings it on...not because i'm better smarter faster, but because what this imbalance brings me is constant...i know what to expect, and when it's gone it's gone for a specific and determined amount of time...i can do anything for a few days, a month out of the year...i can *do* this...at least for now...and although it sucks, it is a known quantity...measurable...

if i didn't get up everyday and maintain the house and raise and educate the kids that would be one thing, but i do...all the rest of it, well it's mine to deal with...sure it spills over on the kids...how could it not?...you don't carry a huge vessel full to the top with everything imaginable and expect that it wouldn't slosh over the sides...

but that's me, one part in a million parts of me that i know inside and out back and forth...and there is a specific trial and error with pharmaceuticals that is not known...there are person-specific traits and characteristics that may be eradicated along with the standard chemical imbalance...and in this case that person is me...i don't want to mask the unpleasant parts of me if it means eradicating some other parts that aren't unpleasant (well i don't think of them as unpleasant, anyway...y'all may have your own opinions on this)

should i seek to take that part away, what other parts will follow?...and what will be brought in in the process?...these are answerable questions, but i have neither the time, the space, or the want to see what those answers are...

and i don't want to be *even*...i don't want my highs and lows to be altered into a delicate homogenized balance...

sure i don't want to be tired and lonely and sad...who does?...but again, those are known quantities for specific amounts of time...i know who i am and so do my kids...and they are not asked to tread lightly or to amend their selves in any way to accommodate me...they are my kids and i am their mom and our life ebbs and flows...no two rivers travel the same, there is not one ocean as destination for all...

the part of me that is tired and lonely and sad walks along with the part of me that is bold and proactive and snarky...and yes there are times the chemical soup of my soul walks farther and faster ahead than the rest, but that's just gonna have to do if i want all of me to remain intact...

please understand, this is not an attack against pharmaceuticals...lord knows they have immense benefits for some...nor is it an attack against those who choose to use them...different strokes and all that...and i am so not trying to romanticize or glamourize depression in any way...it is dark and yucky and not the least bit cool...i'm just saying find what works and stick with it...

and while this doesn't seem like it works to the outsider, i'm sticking with it for now...continuing to seek out activities that bring me health and peace when i'm able to do them, tools to use when the well begins to run dry...because i don't feel desperate enough to find it necessary to gamble with my personality if it means i have the possibility of losing badly...so i will continue trying to find the balance so i can handle what comes without having to dump the snark along the way...

i figure i have spent a lifetime dealing with *this*...i recognize now as an adult that i have had this chemical imbalance and all of its attendant symptoms since i was a child...

and hell, we all know i can't throw anything away, and that i can't stand change...so when you put it all into perspective i seem to be clicking right along like a finely tuned silly mortal machine...

i love it when a plan comes together...

x.

it's friday, it's hot as hell, and my cat is channeling courtney love; early 90's, pre-oscars...

apparently she's grown bored of the whole pee on the bed thing and has now kicked it up a cracked out on heroin rock star notch with the whole pee on the bed while. i. am. still. in. it. thing...

and without going into further and more boring detail, let's just say that about sums up my past few weeks...

oh, that and the fact that now BOTH of my boys spontaneously bust out in a british accent whenever they see fit...

right then. brilliant.

x.

oh and this just in...after i posted i was putting sunscreen on the boys and was doing wingman's face when the duke says

"hey look at his sunscreen eyebrows!...he looks like danny clark!"

"who's danny clark?"

"i don't know, he just looks like a kid who should be named danny clark"

it's going to be a long day...

well now you learn something new every day, dontcha?

scientists have recently discovered that there are people who are actually incapable of detecting sarcasm...apparently they lack the sarcasm sensor in their brain, and the prefrontal lobe has a *dark* area where said sensors would be...and the dark area suggests some damage...but not damage like they have special needs or anything, they just can't detect sarcasm...

well of course i've known this for a long time, but i assumed it was a huge character flaw on their parts and that they were the kind of people who must not have a lot of fun...

or they just didn't like me...

well now happily i find out i'm wrong and everybody really does like me they just may be too brain damaged to know it!...

x.

if absence really does make the heart grow fonder then you must be ready to kiss me right about now!

be back monday...

x.

it's friday, it's overcast, and it's about time we got a little estrogen around here...

my two nieces come to stay this weekend...the youngest of the two is a baby...

ahh, i do love a baby...and since this baby isn't mine, i am going to do my level best to NOT roll her into a ball and swallow her whole...i can't promise anything, as she fits all the criteria for doing so...

when you decide you are through having babies, every baby who crosses your path is like the forbidden fix of an addict...the eyes glaze over, the body remembers, the soul softens...the mere thought of it is enough to make you believe it would be okay to do it *just one more time*...

i can feel my eggs dropping like coins in a slot machine already...

x.

the cutest thing since the discovery of the bug's ear...

wingman came in with his helmet on and sat down...he sighed loudly then said

"i was going to ride my bike, but now i have to wait because the bees are having their lunch"

of course it took everything i had not to squish him into a ball and swallow him whole...helmet and all...

x.

you can't handle the truth!...well, then again who could after i get done reducing it to a bumper sticker?

so i'm reading this book, a memoir...which means it's *real* (as a writer, i prefer to use that term loosely)...i like it...well, i liked it all right the first twenty pages or so...

but man is she wordy...she and all her friends...these conversations they have, they are all so erudite...and since i'm past the first twenty pages, i don't like it...i don't like it one bit...yet, i continue to read it at night before bed (apparently baking my own bread isn't entirely covering all the bases)...and i don't know if it's the book or the book mixed with the accompanying mug of sleepytime tea, but now my dreams are beginning to be affected...

which sucks as i've always been a great dreamer...perhaps it's my imagination, or my constant teetering on the hill overlooking crazytown, who knows...but it's there...this amazing ability to dream...

except now all the dreams i've been having are like the book i'm reading, wordy...filled with phrases and musings of insightfulness about the mundane...or at least the subject matter becomes mundane after i get done working it over...again, like the book...

can i tell you how incredibly annoying it is?...i'd even take that string of james earl jones sex dreams over the ones i've been having...and i suppose i don't need to elaborate except to say that is saying A. LOT.

case in point, last night i came up with the following

the only truth is what you leave behind

see, now when you first read it, it sounds all deep and thought provoking...

yeah.

because when you really read it, it means, um, nothing...well, not nothing, but really it's a less clever more wordy and chakaguru way of phrasing "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas"...

so instead of the tremendously scintillating bordering on real dreaming i am used to, i am apparently using that time to translate pop culture in to pop psychology...which, given the book i'm reading, is apparently a good gig if you can get it on to paper and into the right hands...

so the phrase was disturbing enough to wake me up...and i was starving...who's starving in the middle of the night?...people with crap dreams that's who (and no i'm not pregnant)

when i went downstairs i had a hunk of cheese and a glass of whole milk...at 1:30 in the morning...

yeah.

and i'd like to say it was just last night that i did this middle of the night noshing...but then i'd be lying, and i'm saving that for my own memoir...

so taking the full fat dairy into account, it could be that the only truth is what you leave behind...as in, what's on my ass stays on my ass...

then, of course, i was up for the bulk of the night thinking things...

i'm beginning to suspect that drinking tea, reading *good* books, and getting to bed early is not only ruining my dreaming abilities and my sleep, it's also making me fat(ter)...

suddenly staying up until 1:30 in the morning drinking a whole bottle of wine and watching a demi moore movie marathon is looking like the smarter move all the way around...

truth is what you convince yourself it is

and you can quote me on that...

x.

the staff of insanity...

i have stopped buying bread at the store, and have begun baking my own each week...

i like to believe that it's because it is far healthier for us, a much needed meditative process, and a time honored tradition that embodies the very essence of sustenance crafted wholly of love's labors...

but really, given who is doing the baking, i secretly suspect it's because i do love self flagellation so and have recently misplaced my hair shirt...

and just so you know i am not the only member of this family who is nuts, the following came out of the duke's mouth today

"you know, it really makes me angry when the indians use those war elephants against me...the biggest unit i've seen so far!!...and, the worst part is those elephants need very little resources!!"

i'd explain it, but that would take an output of energy i simply do not possess...

x.

this just in...

i am forced to put my regularly scheduled cleverness of the comical kind on hold while i wrestle with a bit of regularly scheduled anxiety of the clinical kind...

bah...

i am applying all my tricks and potions and hope to be back *soon*...

in the meantime, the boybarians have decided to play chess and as a result leave me alone...hmmmm...as you must understand, i am a bit suspicious of the peace and quiet...BUT, i am choosing NOT to be too wary and go with it...

be good while i'm gone and my continued wish is may the lot of you be blessed with the un-awareness of your own nerve endings...

to which, i have to say, being aware of your own nerve endings is a fine, fine thing if it's substance induced frivolity in the deep dark woods howling at the moon and with a bunch of good friends...

any other time it's just a big ol' drag...

x.

it's friday, it's raining (again), and it's only a matter of time until my car dies for good...

this car...if this car was a cat it would be my cat...

it's like driving miss daisy...literally...like it's me and the boybarians and all of our stuff and we're all on some really old woman's back and she's trying to take us where we need to go...

the mathematician says my car is like a tom waits song...which would amuse me if it weren't so damned true...

i could list all that is wrong with it, but i don't think i have it in me...and there's probably more wrong with it than i even can imagine...

and now, apparently it has become a home away from home to some wasps...today was the second day in a row i was greeted by one of the little fuckers while driving down the road trying to gain enough speed so the car coming up behind me didn't smash into me...

meanwhile, the radio and tail lights went out today so i was under the hood in the rain jury rigging shit and replacing a fuse...in the liquor store parking lot...nice...why do i feel my childhood rushing back?

the car, like the cat even got me out of bed prematurely this morning...it started with the sound of raindrops...which then had me leaping from bed with the distinct memory of *not* having shut the sunroof yesterday...

which technically isn't the car's fault, but really, for the sake of argument, it is...just like it's technically not the cat's fault when she pukes on the stairs and pees on my bed because she's so old she doesn't know better...but really, it is...

part of me thinks i don't deserve this, and the other part of me thinks it's just carma...(she says ducking...sorry, i couldn't resist)

happy friday, and may all of you get where you need to go without the aid of a roll of duct tape and lots and lots of swearing...

x.

while the cat's away...

apparently the mouse finds it necessary stay up till 1:30 in the morning drinking white wine and watching a demi moore movie marathon...oh and yes, it was every bit as exciting as it sounds...

in other news, i've been meaning to post about the chess tournament...the duke did well, didn't place individually, but overall his team placed 8th in the state...and believe me when i tell you, chess parents are far scarier than sports parents...

other than the above, there's not much to report...school's going well, the boybarians are good, the cat's still alive...though she's out of food right now and i'm debating whether or not to buy our usual big bag of food...it's a better deal all the way around, unless, you know, it doesn't get finished...then it's just a waste of money...

i've never been accused of being an optimist...

and now i will leave you with the following...i believe it truly encapsulates a little something i like to call my life with boybarians which is also known as all beatles, all the time...

so the boybarians are wrestling around the living room after school this morning and they crash into the ottoman which is holding the big book of cds...it's open and they fall right onto it...

"be careful!...you guys are going break those cds!"

to which wingman responds with all sincerity and reassurance to me

"dat's okay...they aren't the beatles cds"

x.

eight years ago today...

after going 2 weeks past my due date, 36 hours of labor, 1 separated pubic bone, 16 cups of blood lost, 1 round trip to hell and back, a near trip to heaven, and some pretty heavy bargaining with the powers that be, all 10 1/2 pounds of the duke of fun was born...the picture of health and not a scratch on him...

i of course was a broken and bloody wreck who had to be sent to the hospital to be pumped full of blood and morphine...nothing like setting up the dynamics early, huh?

and after all of that, you think he could let me sleep past 4 am on his birthday...

no chance...

the truth of the matter is, i owe my life to that boy...if it weren't for him i wouldn't be here today...when i was bleeding and it was all going downhill so fast the thing that compelled me to keep fighting was the fact that for the first time in my life i had something greater than myself to fight for...something beyond my own ego...a better source of power i do not know of...

it's amazing just how amazing life becomes when you remove yourself from the center of it...

so happy birthday to the duke of fun, my beloved boy and awesome eight year old!!!...

i certainly could not have asked for a better gift than to celebrate the day he was born every year...

x.

the great white hope...

so we will leave shortly to escort the duke of fun to the state elementary chess championship tournament!!!

i am extremely proud of him...especially seeing as i don't even know how to play chess myself...

so send some good vibes his way tomorrow and pray we find a way to effectively entertain wingman for twelve hours...

x.

you can be the president, i'd rather be the pope...

so amidst white smoke, bells, and birds they announced the new pope...

and i am still surprised that i didn't make the short list...

probably that thing at the border...

x.

charming, humorous, incredulous, religious...and it's only monday...

one of wingman's grandest pleasures in life is to lie on the couch and listen to the beatles...looking at the liner notes and singing along...as you might imagine, it is impossibly charming...

in other news, the logic of the nearly eight year old continues to abound...and astound...

so the lord of the ring got the three disc set of michael palin's (of monty python fame) humorous travel series around the world in 80 days...he and the duke were eagerly anticipating its arrival...

so they all gather 'round the laptop on the couch to watch...i am in the chair reading...i inquire as to when this was filmed...the lord of the ring says he doesn't know...as they get more into watching the first episode the lord of the ring calls over that it was done in 1988...to which the duke responds with much incredulous clamor

"and it's in color!!!???!!!"

it's amazing i make it through the day and then get up and do it all over again...

anyhow, the weather is fine so i will cut this short...

i would however like to leave you all with the following that i have been thinking quite a great deal about lately...

there is a certain point in our history, in our collective use of language, wherein the word "religion" went from being a verb to being a noun...

i'll get back to this at some point...but right now, i reel with the historical, personal, and of course future implications of this transition...

it's monday people!...up and at 'em!

x.

it's friday, it's raining, and it's the return of the lord of the ring...

he got a last minute flight on some crop duster so he will be home in time for dinner...

meanwhile i am unearthing my bed and the area around it from the dishes, magazines, books, and other detrius that tends to settle there in his absence...

life would be decidedly messier if i didn't have to share my bed with anyone...

and notice how i keep using the term "my bed"...i'm telling you, dude better figure out this "working from home" gig or else posters might start goin' up soon...

"hey, is that the guy from the motorcycle diaries above your dresser?...and why is everything monogramed with an *x*?"

x.

dude.

i'm not really sure how it happened, but lately wingman has been more and more resembling in his speech patterns, his mannerisms, and his dress a cross between the big lebowski and spicoli from fast times at ridgemont high...

which would be wicked cool if he was a drinking buddy and not my four year old son...

and if there is anything more to say about that, i really don't know what it would be...

x.

kombucha, anyone?

so yesterday i was at the food co-op in the town where my in-laws live...

i was getting some lunch for the boybarians and myself, and it was not pretty...and i'm not just talking about the slices of "living raw food pizza" either...

now, i am not unfamiliar with food co-ops...nor am i unfamiliar with the *culture* that goes along with food co-ops...but apparently they didn't get the memo because it was if i was part of the vast right wing conspiracy the way i was treated...

for starters, i needed my food to go (i.e. put in individual disposable containers OH THE HORROR!) simply because there was not a spare table or chair to be had...ooohhh, no good...very bad...

when asked if i belonged to the co-op upon checkout (for the member discount) i answered no, we are from out of town...then the cashier asked are you a member of any co-op (again, you could receive a discount if a member of another co-op) i answered no (there is no co-op where i live, but she doesn't know that)...well, that didn't go over well with her...she narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips...strike two...

then she wanted to know if i wanted her to bag my groceries since i was so busy with the card machine?...well who in the hell knew you had to enter all the numbers including sale amount and whatnot yourself?...usually you enter some numbers they do some numbers on the register, and it's all copasetic...they don't tell you this, there's no sign...so of course i got flubbed up and had to start again...a line began to form behind me...so i said, and kindly i might add

"no, let me finish here and i'll bag them myself"

then i feel a tap on my shoulder and the woman behind me says

"it looks like you forgot to bring a bag...here, have one of mine"

then she hands me a bag...

it would have been a kind gesture if she hadn't done it completely begrudgingly and with total disdain...

then the cashier pipes up

"(big irritated sigh) here, let me do it...it looks like you have your hands full with the card machine"

AND I KID YOU NOT SHE ROLLED HER EYES AT THE LADY BEHIND ME!

wait, it gets better because some tables in the deli opened up and since it was raining outside we decided we should eat inside...

well you can imagine the look on the face of the deli woman when i took my individually packaged in disposable containers lunch out to eat inside...at one point it looked as if she might just come over and count how many napkins i chose to use...

say, how about a healthy dose of liberal guilt to go with your lunch?

it was irritating because it was like been there done that and i'm SO not an asshole because my town doesn't have a co-op!...

i had to stop myself from climbing on the table and shouting out "I'LL HAVE YOU ALL KNOW THAT I USED TO BE A VEGAN HIPPY! I MADE MY OWN SOY MILK FOR FUCK'S SAKE AND DIDN'T SHAVE A THING OR WEAR LEATHER! I'VE USED THE CRYSTAL IN PLACE OF DEODORANT AND IT WASN'T PRETTY BUT I DID IT ANYWAY! AND I TRAVELED FROM FAIR TO FAIR SELLING HEMP PRODUCTS BEFORE THEY BECAME SO MAINSTREAM YOU COULD GET THEM FROM THE 7-11! I WAS AT REDWOOD SUMMER FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! AND COME TO THINK OF IT, I DIDN'T SEE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE THERE!!"

it took everything i had, but i refrained...afterall, i was raised to be a lady...

now, ALL of that would have been bad enough except for the other thing that happened at the co-op...

friends, i was finally and convincingly confronted with a very disturbing truth yesterday...

middle aged men with long hair and earth shoes who buy in bulk LOVE ME...A LOT...

if i got one smiley look, i got a million...you know the look...the hey, you're cute and i'm gonna smile at you look...yes, you are a foxy lady...

seriously...and yes, it was weird...i've noticed this before with this particular segment of the population, but have thus far successfully been able to ignore it...but yesterday it was all too apparent and could not be ignored any longer...

i don't know what it is about me, and i have no idea how to make it go away, but apparently i'm like the pamela anderson for neo-liberal, health conscious, community minded baby boomers...

should i suddenly find myself in need of companionship i can forget about bars or clubs with other people my own age...apparently it's the the co-op for me...no doubt i'll be hanging out in the supplements aisle between the saw palmetto (good for prostate health) and the ginseng (good for *drive*) chatting about leonard cohen and robert bly, and exchanging phone numbers written on bulk bin tags...

and no, it has not escaped my notice that i may eventually have to learn how to do the "twirl"...one hand up, head thrown back...

man that's gonna screw my neck up but good...

x.

it's friday, i'm back, and the boybarians haven't changed a bit...

i am on the mend...took a turn for the worse on wednesday with the mother of all migraines, but all in all i seem to be doing okay...

which is more than i can say for my children...

yesterday while going over the duke's latin work he stood beside me while i remain seated...i was very carefully trying to explain a point and it took a few minutes...when i was finished i looked up at him and he was staring at me...and without missing a beat he said

"your head looks really small...it's kinda creepy"

then this morning i told the kids that the lord of the ring (working from home this week) and i were taking them to the family pancake house for breakfast as a special treat...then wingman who is all of four pipes up and says

"i don't willy (really) care for colored corn syrup...do day (they) have maple?"

oh. my.

enjoy your friday...

x.

how far along am i?...apparently about 25lbs. too much!

so i've been down for the count this week...turns out i have a kidney infection...

while being diagnosed and treated today, the nurse comes in and says

"so you're pregnant right?"

"um, noooo...not unless my urine sample yielded something i don't know"

"oh, no...we didn't do a test, i just thought, um,..."

she futzes with me quickly then leaves...

the doctor comes in takes one look at me and says

"so how far along are you?"

"um, i'm not pregnant...the nurse must have misinformed you"

he's blushing and starts speaking really fast...

"oh, well i didn't talk to the nurse...it's just...well now, how long have you had these particular symptoms?"

suddenly he's all business and won't look at me...

there's something very wrong here and i think it has a lot to do with my big fat ass...

so now i'm doped up on the high dollar antibiotics and some beefed up ibuprofen...

the second i can actually stand up all the way straight and pee without shouting out in sheer crippling pain that doctor and nurse are forgiven...

in the meantime, perhaps i oughta think about ramping up the old excercise routine...

x.

when i wish upon a star...

without delving to deeply into an emotionally and politically crippling *subject* i submit to you the following...

sillymortalmama's living will...

if i am not *living* and there is no hope of such that i will then do not waste time and resources on me...

okay?

because damn! if my life hasn't been the life of dreams...two amazing, astonishing, unbelievable if you would have tried to describe them to me before, incredibly smart, beautiful children, the absolute most perfect partner a girl who may or may not deserve it could ask for, the coolest and best totally kick ass sisters the world could offer, a mom who surrounds me with the purest white light, and a dad who lovingly digs me up and out of the sand...

a best friend who makes the word *best* look awfully inadequate, and good friends galore that couldn't put up with and accept much more...but they continue to...it's an appreciated mystery...

i'm there...i've lived it...

pull the plug and break out the wine if it all goes down...a little music and some good stories...

because in the end, it's about who you've loved and the ones who've loved you back...

time and circumstance such as they can be do not change that...

and should i need to go, i need to go...

not that it won't be sad...but damnit, death is sad...

and, that is life...and that is life, and yet life moves...

so should i go y'all know it will be quick, or it should be...i do not wish to linger...

because as i sit here now i know how much i am and have been loved...and it makes me sick to think of missing a minute with my children or my husband or my family or my friends...but it goes...i know above all, it goes...and that my dear, dear friends is life...

so hug your babies and call your parents...love your partners if possible and if not then let them go...if something needs changing then change it now...

some days just don't offer second chances...

be blessed,

x.

change is good...right?

i have an extremely hard time with change...

BUT! things are such that change is pretty much my constant companion these days and will continue to be so...

(though i am happily and without anxiety posting this on a saturday, so what gives?)

that being so, i decided a bit of an update was in order...

same great sillymortalmama, fresh new look!

man, i really do need to get out more...

as we celebrate that pagan goddess of spring, eostre, the rising of christ, and worshiping at the temple of cadbury, let us take a moment to celebrate another important event of march 27th...the birthday of kwan yin...the goddess of compassion and really, just a wonderful presence to have/introduce into your life...

but i have to say, as i was writing about eostre, i must mention an odd and disturbing thing...okay so first the quick and dirty about eostre/ostara is she had a little trouble with a bird, changed it to a hare...it becomes the constellation lepus...well, it wants to be a bird and fly again and eostre says sure, one day a year, on easter...you can fly but you bring me your eggs...you can surmise the rest...

only as i am writing this post an extremely big and beautiful robin flew smack dab into the window!...scared the shit out of me!...i go to check and sure enough i look down and it's taking it's last breath...gasping and there is just no hope...

okay, apart from being shocky and sad and slightly horrified with the whole thing (i am SO glad the lord of the ring is here!) it's gotta be an omen of sorts...

in the original spirit of this post i was going to tell you about my midwifery friends from the clinic who called me "jesusita" after i "rose" and was able to leave the hospital i was transported to following the duke's homebirth a mere three days after said birth wherein i nearly bled to death which necessitated the transport in the first place...

but the dead bird outside my window suggests i may be pushing it...so i think i may just call it a post and go light a candle...or four...

x.

T.G.I.effn'F!

the lord of the ring returns home today!!!

just in time to assist with the SEVEN *new* loads of laundry that have a date at the LAUNDRO-MAT, the *has a cold* and the *just on the verge of one* boybarians, the lawn that is two weeks overdue for mowing (yup, never did get to that) , and the house that desperately needs a good scrub down...oh, and i haven't checked the mouse trap in two weeks and forgot to put the garbage can out on monday...it's easter weekend to boot which means egg dyeing and a day long family affair on sunday...

if he didn't have such a hot wife, well all of that piled up might seem really sucky...

x.

lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

well, bobcats and grey wolves and bears, oh my!

we are taking a field trip today to a wildlife park...it promises to be great fun...if we can get out the door!

we are already having a clothing crisis this morning...with the washer broken our laundry situation is such that wingman no longer has a full range of shirt choices...this is a problem for our little bill blass...that kid cannot start the day without the appropriate shirt...and whatever shirt it is that day is anyone's guess...

anyhow, this morning he was left with very few choices...the best of which just happens to be an adorable shirt with a wolf on it...now, how perfect, right?

no...first of all it has long sleeves which automatically gets it wait-listed...then there is the issue of the wolf...see, wingman is a little concerned about today's trip...concerned about the wolves in particular...so he thinks that if he wears a shirt with a wolf on it the wolves will think he's a wolf and want to come up and lick him...

i told him that just because he is wearing a particular shirt doesn't mean wolves are gonna wanna come up and lick him...

he's not convinced...

hell i wouldn't be either as that is the very reason i stopped wearing tube tops to bars!...ha ha, ho ho, hee hee...whew...

x.

viento malo...

to give you an idea of how today is going, the duke just asked the following

"do i have to be reasonable?"

this only a little after while writing a letter to a friend he shouted out from two rooms away

"HOW DO YOU SPELL GLOBAL DOMINATION?!?"

sigh...

what's worse is we are essentially, by the power of sillymortalmama psychosis, trapped inside today as the weather outside is sunny, but entirely too breezy...i don't do breezy...it's a little too close to windy...and any movement of air on that large of a scale messes with something deep inside of me and makes me want to do evil...

so instead i am trapped inside with the boybarians because they only want to be with me...and while it's a heart busting sentiment, all this togetherness is verging on a *bit* much...and right now even given my psychotic reaction to the rapid movement of the air outside, i really can't say what would be worse...pulling weeds in the wind or being trapped knee-deep in the mire that only those two can create...

really, it's a toss up...

x.

happy spring!

and now a warning: proud mother alert ahead

yesterday at the chess tournament the duke came in third in his division and got a big ol' trophy!...he was very proud, i was very proud!...plus he qualified for the state elementary championships next month...

we were in the car driving home and wingman says

"dat shore is a nice twofee"

to which the duke responded

"i know...i'm going to have to polish it a lot"

oh dear...

in other news, we've been out of the house since morning for four days in a row now so i've declared today a holiday!...no school today and i'm working on my second cup of coffee...

well, it is the first day of spring which is reason enough to celebrate...i know i know your calendar said it was yesterday, but years ago i started celebrating equinoxes and solstices on the 21st, regardless of where they fall on the calendar that year...it's an old witch thing...and since most days my children think i'm an old witch, so be it...

so to celebrate our rare day off (we don't take holidays if they fall on a school day) i will first clean this house (four days of complete dash in dash out neglect and no washing machine...bleh) and then we will, um, well, we will likely do nothing...

well, not *nothing*, just *not school*...the duke and wingman just finished a game of chess and now the duke is playing risk against himself and wingman is listening to the beatles...

later after doing *nothing* we will go to the nursery and the boys will pick out some flowers to plant...

then i will HAVE to rest up because tomorrow we're back at the LAUNDRO-MAT...

so i hope you all enjoy this fine day wherever you are and in whatever weather you have...

a new season, a new beginning...another chance to live your life as you were meant to live it...

happy spring!

x.

gone baby gone...

i have no proper post for you today but wanted to pop in and wish you all a happy friday...

and no, it isn't because i have the irish flu...

it's because, oddly enough, i will GONE all DAY doing THINGS...as in AWAY from HOME...

i know, i know, i too am amazed...

be good...

x.

snakes my ass...

well, stoveman comes today for a feast in honor of that bastard st. patrick...but, i suppose if he didn't drive out the pagans and the snake priestesses some other wanker would have...

BUT, since in this county st. patrick's day is less about st. patrick and more about celebrating ireland and all things irish i am so all for it!...i have a love for ireland that i can't explain...and having not been there yet, i won't try...to that end, we will celebrate the day irish-american style with corned beef and cabbage and guinness...plus, i'm making a loaf of irish soda bread, which is more traditionally irish-irish...

i even got some harp to make black and tans, too...or 'arf 'n 'arfs as the father of stoveman calls them...and having been a bartender in another one of my pre-boybarian incarnations, they won't suck...

and now for an update on the doings of the lord of the ring...

so you all know he's in new york state with the billionaires...he'll be there until the friday before easter...anyhow, on monday he told me of a meeting that was scheduled for the next day...with the city...it was sprung on him last minute, and was going to be kinda a big deal...well, he got there and the meeting was less a meeting and more a PRESS CONFERENCE...he ended up on three television stations...

well then...that man has the strangest *luck*...though it beats stacking wood and going to the LAUNDRO-MAT i suppose...actually, on second and more involved thought, it doesn't!...

it's a beautiful nearly spring day and there will be meat and beer...i hope y'all enjoy the day as much as i will...

and for GAWDS sake DO NOT ruin good beer with green food coloring...okay?...do it for me...do it for the displaced snake priestesses, huh?...do it for the sake of the beer...well, unless it's hamm's in which case it can only be improved with the green coloring...

x.

oh, and a very very happy st. patrick's day to my favorite accomplished drinker and newly minted irishman...sure explains a lot, don't it...;)

i need to get out more...

it was so windy last night and this morning i went outside to check on stuff...

turns out our best blue tarp (yeah, out here in the sticks blue tarps get categories) had blown away and was down against the back pasture fence....

as i went out to get it i was bending over to yank it away from the fence and i thought to myself

"hey, this is in the shape of a dead body all wrapped up...wouldn't that be creepy"

GOOD MORNING!

man, i gotta get out more...

being giddily excited by the wood getting stacked before the rains came and draining two day old fetid water from the washing machine somehow doesn't cut it...it's lacking that je ne se quoi...or however you spell it...see, if i got out more i betcha i'd know how to spell it...

oh wait, that's right...i am getting out today...to the LAUNDRO-MAT with the boybarians!!!...big fun...why are the darker parts of my childhood flooding back?...

the best part about the LAUNDRO-MAT i am going to is that it's right next door to the money tree check cashing joint...could i get luckier?...WHY YES I CAN!...this particular LAUNDRO-MAT is also on the highway right behind a bus stop!...

yes, i am snob about such matters...but when you spend even one portion of your life in a trailer park under a bridge then it becomes paramount to your soul that you spend your life shying away from certain realities...like the LAUNDRO-MAT...yeah it was kicky and quirky and fun doing my laundry at the LAUNDRO-MAT in san francisco with the cute boy i was macking with, but this is a far far different set of circumstances...

then tonight i promised the boybarians an indoor campout...with the ever popular "squirrel burgers"...they are beyond excited...and just so you know, i did not introduce them to "squirrel burgers"...no, that would be the mathematician...yes, he was so generous with the introduction of the "squirrel burger"and with gambling also...sometimes you don't have to search for good strong role models for your kids, often they just fall into your lap...

oh, and just one last mention before i leave...while at the library yesterday i was unloading my armful of books...the duke put his up...wingman adding his to the pile...

the librarian says good naturedly

"oh, that's a lot of books"

then i open my totebag to unload the rest...

(yes i have a totebag...and yes i know totebags are not cool)

"wow, that is a lot of books!"

to which i respond

"yeah, we don't get out much"

duh...why i feel the need to broadcast that i don't know...

by now the librarian has swiped my card and sees that in addition to the books i have on the counter to check out, i already have 60 books at home checked out...

"well, obviously you know how to spend your time at home...and just so you know, i know who you are and you are one of the reasons our library is number 3 for circulation in the county!"

i don't know what to say...so i don't say anything...

"and that's good because more circulation means more money for our particular branch!"

the line is beginning to pile up behind me...then i remember

"oh, do i have any holds in?"

"yes, you have 9"

the proof is in the pudding people...i don't know what more i can say...

x.

ides of march...

i have been doing the following on my not self-imposed hiatus:

taking boybarians to the dentist
stacking a ginormous mountain of wood
draining a broken washing machine
taking care of the boybarians while the lord of the ring is away

i have absolutely NO time to visit here...it's sad really, because there are just too many funny things to tell you...

and as it is the ides of march, i can only imagine what lay ahead...

actually, technically, the ides of march is simply a way of saying "march 15" in the old roman calendar...there are ides every month of the year...they are on the 13th of every month except march, may, july and october wherein the ides fall on the 15th...

"beware the ides of march" is from shakespeare's play julius caesar...which was just the warning given to caesar that he should be on guard...the theory is that he got the date wrong, thinking the ides to be on the 13th that month...obviously, he was wrong...

but what really came of that whole date debacle, well, other than the assassination of julius caesar, was the ominous and dramatic saying "beware the ides of march"...

(by the way, caesar salad has nothing to do with julius caesar...but c-sections and the awful haircut by the same name do...thought i'd throw that in...you know, since i'm channeling cliff clavin and all...though i'd rather be channeling norm...as he was more popular by far and also drunk a great deal of the time...although, he was awfully large and sweaty, too...hmmm...maybe i can just channel the beer drinking part...i certainly don't need any encouragement in the large and sweaty department...or the beer drinking department for that matter)

but, i digress...

who cares how it originated and whether or not it means anything...i'm not taking any chances BECAUSE it is also around this same time that the virgin mary found out that she was pregnant with jesus by the holy spirit...holy crap!...

anyhow, in the meantime, i have three posts in the crumbling wings of my addled brain and i am aiming to commit them to cyberspace this week...

stay tuned...

oh, and beware the ides of march...and uh, smooth talking spirits, too...

although smooth spirits would be fine...a nice glass of maker's mark...or perhaps a well made martini...extra dry...

by the way, anyone know how to repair a washing machine?

x.

pain in the neck...

and so it goes, among other disastrous and sad and poignant events that have taken place this monday morning, i have thrown out my neck...again...for ohh the zillionth time...

i really gotta do something about that...

x.

counting my blessings and minutes until bedtime...

"i'm a young author!...can't you see i'm busy and i have my hands full!"

shouted by the duke to wingman just now...

this coupled with his newfound love of the tap dancing cowboys from oklahoma! and i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

good thing i'm still slightly feverish and more than that i love him to pieces and then some...given that, i decide to neither laugh or cry but rather to rejoice in the fact that i have the best seven year old on the planet...

x.

i have lived to see another day...

okay, so i'm not going to die...and i don't think it's SARS...

BUT, i am keeping my eye on that avian flu thing...you can't be too careful...plus there's this suspicious looking red-breasted robin who's as of late taken to following me and looking at me funny...

the fever has passed and the body aches are gone...i still feel like crap, but i think i'm pretty much outta the woods for the actual honest to goodness flu...(knock on wood and the NyQuil bottle)

the duke is a bit warm, but i'm dosing him on the same kinda of fluids i've been drinking and promising him burgers and shakes this weekend if he doesn't get sick...we can't afford for the lord of the ring to return home and get sick...so i want us at 100% by friday...plus, i'm really craving a burger and a shake...

i know, sometimes we need to be sick...need that downtime to rest and let our bodies heal...

i'll rest when i'm dead...right now there are kids to take care of and a house to keep afloat...plus, you know...the burger and shake...with bacon, and some blue cheese...a few hot and salty fries...chocolate shake...or maybe strawberry...

the lord of the ring is rarely sick...he tells himself he can't get sick and he doesn't...the power of positive thinking, perhaps...but really, it's just about being stubborn in the face of illness...you've got to tell yourself the sickness doesn't belong to you...

if lance armstrong can be stubborn about his illness and battle the incredible amount of cancer he had and the subsequent death sentence the doctors gave him enough to come back and win the toughest athletic challenge of all, SIX TIMES I MIGHT ADD!!, then i can rid myself of what wants to be the flu...

(although i can't say i hold the same level of admiration for his choice in women...sheryl crow?...really???...because if i had taken on and won all the tough battles he has in his life, i certainly wouldn't waste my time with the human equivalent of a worn out old leather handbag who steals other people's songs and calls them her own...but, to each his own)

LIVESTRONG

x.

it's SARS, i know it's SARS...

i have a fever...

i have a fever and i am alone with the boybarians until friday...

and what is my greatest fear?...not that i will die from some dreaded flu, but that people will have to come in to remove my decaying body and see the state my house and the boybarians are in after a few days of me being sick...

school aged kids home in the middle of the morning...living in squalor (a relative term you understand) all filthy themselves and eating cold cereal smeared with crisco and watching the home shopping network...

so while i should have spent today lying on the couch resting, instead i cleaned the house (again, a relative term) finished the laundry, made healthy ready to eat meals and snacks they could grab from the fridge, and gave them both baths...

plus i put the beer cans and wine bottles at the bottom of the recycling...you know, just in case...

this way, if they do come in there will be less opportunity for them to jump to the conclusion that we are just one more of those rural "homeschooling families" they do shows about on primetime news...

the good news is that i love me some NyQuil somethin' fierce...and while i won't go all kitty dukakis on the stuff and drink it when i'm not sick, i do love the times i'm on death's door and it's recommended, even insisted upon that i take it at bedtime...

x.

yup, i think that about sums it up...

just to give you an idea of what's been happening around here lately without going into intricate and boring detail that includes waaaay too much personal information, i have spent time researching the following two items this week

1. how to re-grow eyebrows
2. how to look twenty pounds lighter just with the proper underwear

how i came to these two particular research subjects is neither here nor there...

BUT, i'll tell you one thing...it's hard to say whether i have too much time on my hands or not enough...

x.

oh, and this just in...as i'm writing this the duke is running by completely naked...well, he did have a bath...but he was done half an hour ago...

"um, why are you still naked?"

"i'm an olympic athlete!"

"really...i don't recall any of the athletes being naked the last time we watched"

exasperated and eye-rolling he responds

"from the real olympics...you know, in ancient greece?"

yup, i think that about sums it up...

life as he knows it...

so we went to lil' sis's and spent the night...

when i got done putting the kids to bed i went and sat down on the couch...i saw a stack of pictures on the table and was leafing through them...at first i didn't know what they were of and i was wondering why my sister had pictures of what seemed to be some deranged church group at a picnic with the extras from deliverance...

then i realized they were pictures from my first wedding...

then i realized under that stack were pictures from my second wedding...

my sister...

anyhow, one of the pictures from my second wedding was of some young man in a red and white ford ranger truck smiling at the camera...it was such a weird picture to me for some reason...and i had NO idea who it was...

"who is this?"

"oh, he dropped off one of the catering staff before your wedding...you know, the one with the nipples?"

i kid you not this girl shows up at my wedding to serve wearing a barely there tank top and no bra...as you can imagine, the bride was less than pleased...anyhow, so the truck guy was her boyfriend/brother/friend/pimp whatever...

so i'm driving home yesterday and when i decide not to take my exit off the highway and to take the next one so i can go by the video store...i rarely drive this stretch of highway...

i notice that i'm coming up kind of fast on the vehicle up ahead...i move over into the other lane and i notice the vehicle is a truck towing a lawn tractor...the truck is a ford ranger...it is red and white...

i chuckle to myself and think wouldn't it be funny if it was the truck guy from the picture...

when lo and behold i pass the truck and look over and he looks over and IT'S HIM!!!...the truck guy from the picture!!!...same truck, same guy, the same grin!!!...i kid you not...it was so weird...

but what's weirder is here i am seeing the truck guy and screaming

"oh my god!...it's the truck guy!!...i have a picture of that guy!!!"

to which the duke responded

"oh"

and apparently didn't think it was weird in the least...that's it, "oh"...like it's just life as normal that his mother is shouting about some totally random stranger guy in a truck that she has a picture of and just happens to be currently passing on the highway...

i tell you, he's either extremely well adjusted and therefore can take life in total stride, or else the poor kid's gonna need a LOT of help when he's older...

x.

if a tree falls in the forest...

i have learned something about myself during this whole weekday solo parenting gig...

i have learned that if there isn't anyone around to complain to or to pick up the slack, then i actually do whatever needs doing...with virtually no complaining or dragging of the feet at all...

sure, when the lord of the ring calls at night when he's done with work i give him an ear full of the "poor me" variety, but during the day i just do it...

and that is different for me...because i like to complain...i am good at it...and i am awfully good at the big heavy sigh and the woe is me face...and i am really good at letting everyone know just exactly how i feel and how put upon i am...

wow, i'm sure interested (read: scared beyond reason) to see who the boybarians will end up choosing to date/marry/sleep with as a result of this...i like to think how i parent them will keep them out of therapy, but i am amazed at how consistently i do just the opposite...huh...anyhow, where were we?

oh yeah, it's not that i want to be a whiny bitch, it's just that i don't know how not to be...

apparently being a single parent solves that...or at least shoves it to the side where everything else i enjoy doing is...because when there isn't a soul around to do what you can't do or won't do or to just pitch in in general, then there isn't anyone else but you...and when there isn't anyone else but you, there isn't any use in complaining about it...because regardless of how much you don't want to do it, you have to...case closed...

plus, i have found that complaining to myself just isn't as *rewarding* as complaining to the lord of the ring...there is definitely something lacking...i don't think i am nearly as sympathetic...

so i stopped...well, not completely as there is the nightly phone call...but that's more for the lord of the ring's sake...poor guy, he's homesick there at the hotel california what a lovely place...and what more to make him feel right at home than his wife bitchin' about her day?...well, maybe i could throw a pillow case that the cat peed on and a ziploc full of legos to sprinkle on the floor in his suitcase next time he leaves...then he'd feel right at home...

so i've worked out a routine for myself, and have given and expected more responsibility from the boybarians...and you know what, they have really taken to it!...and because i am the only parent they have from monday through friday part of my routine is trying to be more present...and you know what, it works!...i know, this is not new information...but sometimes it's the simplest things we forget to remember...

in being more present with the boybarians on a more consistent basis, and expecting them to take a few responsibilities on for themselves, i have actually gotten more of their cooperation...and as a result slightly more boybarian-free time wherein they are occupied and i am not interrupted...

i generally use those 3 1/2 minutes to pee...

i am in no way suggesting that things are better here with the lord of the ring gone...it's just that by default i have complete control (finally!) ...during the week there simply isn't anyone else to share power and duties with, so i just move forward...and i expect the boybarians to help out with that...

and, for now, it works...and i have to say i rather enjoy a household wherein every one has some responsibility, cooperation isn't just a theory, and i'm not bitching and moaning about every little thing...as you may be able to imagine, it's surprisingly refreshing...

but, this is still the big red house...home of sillymortalmama and the boybarians...there will be no holding of the breath and much enjoying it while it lasts...

because like stoveman says, eventually all good kids turn on you like snakes (what did we put that man through?)...i suspect my 3 1/2 minutes will begin to dwindle here pretty soon, chipped away by a second here, a second there...until there i am, going pee while they shout and shove each other and pound on the door and ask me for stuff...meanwhile i am wishing for a stiff drink and taking the lord of the ring's name in vain...

so, i suppose i'd have to surmise from all of this that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it fall, it doesn't mean it doesn't make a sound...it just means that the tree is gonna have to suck it up and continue to fall and wait to complain about it later...

x.

we're off to see the lord of the ring, the wonderful lord of the ring!

okay so we're off to collect the lord of the ring for his weekly appearance...

i am mildly better only after thoroughly dosing myself with garlic and ginger steeped in hot water...FUN!

i drank it ALL day yesterday and am a bit better today...i would have done so again today, but the lord of the ring arrives tonight and really i just can't do that to the poor guy...

it's bad enough there's a dead rodent under the sink that's been there since tuesday that's waiting for disposal upon his return...

it's good to have a man around...even if it is only for two days a week...

x.

gotcha!

apparently i finally caught that cold i have been chasing...

bleh...

x.

the coconut doesn't fall far from the tree...

so wingman turned four this month...

and as always there was a party planned, guests invited, a cake...

this year he chose a chicka chicka boom boom theme...for those of you who do not know chicka chicka boom boom it is a children's book about a bunch of unsafe and delinquent lower case letters who climb up a coconut tree ALL AT THE SAME TIME...well, as you can imagine the tree can't hold the weight of 26 lower case letters and they all fall off...

well, there are some injuries that occur as a result of the accident...some quite serious, some more minor...as a result, all the upper case letters come rushing to the scene to help the little rascals (who really should have known better)...

one might assume at this point that the lower case letters had learned their collective lesson, but as with most children these lessons aren't learned until they themselves grow up and have children of their own...and because of this juvenile lack in judgment the little delinquents not only CLIMB THE COCONUT TREE AGAIN! they sneak out at night to do so!!!

well, i don't know...i mean 26 lower case letters all sneaking out at the same time?...and none of the upper cases notice?...this world is teetering i tell you...we could just go right over the edge at any moment...

but, i digress...

back to the party...so i make a ginormous cake shaped like the coconut tree in the book complete with coconuts and fronds with gummy letters climbing to the top...

there are guests and presents and balloons...general birthday party merriment abounds...

then it's time for the cake...which means it's time for the candles...and, if this were a "normal" home, the birthday song...

but, some years ago, the duke decided that a bunch of people singing "happy birthday" to him was just too much...he said it made him nervous and shy...

well, he was three years old at the time...and then right before his fourth birthday out of the blue he said

"i don't want anyone to sing 'happy birthday' at the party"

"oh...okay...why?"

"i don't like it..."

"okaaay...what should we sing to you?"

"for he's a jolly good fellow"

and so for all the birthdays to come it was "for he's a jolly good fellow" in place of "happy birthday" for the duke...everyone who comes to his parties knows this about him and sings "for he's a jolly good fellow"...he's even been known to take the birthday kid at other parties aside and inform them that they have a choice in the whole singing of "happy birthday"...as you would guess, the other children look at him as if he is insane...or just one of those weird homeschooled kids...and not surprisingly as wingman came up in the birthday party circuit he nixed "happy birthday" by his second party...

so, we haven't sung it for him since...and we weren't going to sing it for him this party...he doesn't want any singing, in fact...not even "for he's a jolly good fellow"...

but we still did the candle make a wish and blow it out thing...but this year as i light the candles and everyone's gathered around he refuses...

i gently nudge him and he still refuses...and that is that...

"just wet's have some take (cake)"

so, i blew out the candles and we cut and served the cake...

so later after all the festivities were over and the guests were gone, wingman and the duke were playing quietly with the days spoils in front of the fire...

i say to wingman

"did you have a nice birthday?"

"yeah...tinda (kinda), but not willy (really)"

of course the lord of the ring and stoveman (my dad) and i all perked our ears up...

"oh...what didn't you like about it?"

"well, it tinda makes me fuserwated (frustrated)"

"what makes you frustrated?"

"dus (just) well, awl(all) of it dus makes me fuserwated"

and then (and not for the first time mind you) it dawned on me that i had given birth to my husband in the form of wingman...my husband is one of those i don't really like my birthday and have on occasion even forgotten about it kinda people...can i say i just don't understand this particular trait in certain people?...but, there is much i don't understand about the lord of the ring in general...good thing i have the rest of my life to figure him out...

and now, here was wingman...so much like his father...frustrated by the hoopla of the birthday party...by the pomp and circumstance, the performing...the attention...which is odd because he loves attention and is quite the ham...but like his father, he enjoys the attention if it's under his control...being showered by it is just not his thing...

what he did love was having his cousins there to run around with...having cake and ice cream that HE got to choose all by himself...and having second helpings later on...

even the presents were secondary...sure, what kid doesn't like getting gifts?...but it was just more of the performance part he could do without...and no one thrusts this on him or expects a thing of him...we even did away with the big open them all at once present extravaganza for both the duke and wingman a few years ago...and even with opening them separately with the individual giver and staggered throughout the day, it's just not him...

and it isn't as if he didn't appreciate it all, it's just given the choice he'd rather just play and eat cake...and hey, having some new toys to play with thrown in here and there isn't too bad...

he is his father's son...

now, the duke is a bit more like me in the whole birthday party deal...he LOVES a party...and he plans his parties months in advance...he is convinced i will construct any kind of party he can dream up...and he has quite a bit of fun dreaming them up...thus far i've done a fair job, but the kid has his birthday parties planned for about five years in advance...at some point his creativity and colossal faith in my limited abilities are going to expose the house of cards that each of his parties is built upon...

then the jig will indeed be and up we're just gonna have to go to chuck e. cheese and call it good...

sadly, i can't pay anyone to present me with a cake and a party...and believe me i've asked!...well, more like hinted in a slightly neurotic and whiny poor me tone...but i live in a house made mostly of frustrated birthday boys...if they can't handle their own birthdays, then there's not a lot of hope of the perfect pink cake and girly cocktail themed party in my future!...

(to be fair, the lord of the ring does sweet things for me on my birthday and makes me wonderful meals...but a pink cake...since i was sillymortalgirl i have been wanting a pink cake)

but that's the beauty of family...the diversity and the celebration of the individual...and i do love trying to take their dreams and bringing them to reality...when they see the cake they have thought of come to life, well it's priceless...

so if you ever come to one of wingman's birthday parties (hey, who knows how long he'll even allow those!) it'll be presents when he wants to open them, cake and ice cream with no candles or singing, and having lots and lots of fun just hanging out with his family...

he is a jolly good fellow, that one...

x.

my day, thus far...

the duke of fun is a really awesome human being...

that being said, he is sometimes so odd...

the following came out of his mouth just this morning...imagine a whole day with him...a week...a year...eighteen years by law!

upon seeing me open a new pack of drawing paper for he and wingman he said

"oh good...new papyrus"

he came up to me with a big illustrated history of the world book in hand and obviously pleased with himself he said

"i am going to go and read this to distract myself so i don't physically harm my brother...isn't that a good idea?"

when i told him it was time to get dressed, make his bed, and brush his teeth he held up the aforementioned history book and said

"i am too busy educating myself...sorry"

upon my mentioning that i have upped his cursive writing requirements during spelling he sang the following for the length of the work

"why are you torturing me
why are you torturing me
hi ho the dairy oh
why are you torturing me"

sigh...i would like to say the following to the duke

"BRAVO! you are channeling your restlessness that more often than not turns into a fun and exciting activity known as *must aggressively bug younger brother* to reading about all the past aggression that has gotten our world to where it is!"

"BRAVO! that instead of whining the whole way through your work that is, and i quote, 'simply NOT necessary' you sing a cute and mildly amusing (i am about as cheerful as a bag full of weasels most days...i am not easily amused, to be sure) ditty...albeit off key and loudly"

fortunately, i simply can't!...because BRAVO! it is rest time and the duke is thankfully tucked away upstairs for one blessed hour...ahhh...

oh, i know what you're thinking...sixty minutes doesn't seem like a lot...

but trust me, it is...

x.

one month is the new dog year...

hiya...

let's see i haven't been here in about a billion years and there is much to report...but, i won't even bother...one month around here is like a dog's year...

but, i will touch upon some highlights of the past month...

*the lord of the ring lost his job
*wingman turned 4 (upon which i learned that he doesn't really like the hoopla of a birthday...???...more on this to come)
*the duke has discovered a GREAT love of ancient battles, where they occurred, the rulers/leaders and the weapons particular to each battle
*the duke has begun to scare me more and more
*the lord of the ring got offered a GREAT job
*the lord of the ring accepted the aforementioned GREAT job
*the lord of the ring turned 40 (apparently, 40 is the new 30...whatever that means...i cannot stand those kinds of proclamations...like the polka dot is the new plaid or whatever else they dream up...when they come out with the fat ass is the new "whatever" then we'll talk)
*wingman decided to never cut his hair
*the lord of the ring started his GREAT new job
*the lord of the ring spends the week at some schmancy hotel california what a lovely place working at his GREAT new job and we get him on the weekends
*the lord of the ring says it's temporary
*the lord of the ring is known to favor optimism in the face of not really quite knowing exactly how "temporary" temporary is
*the bag lady in paris moved to the lone star state
*the duke lost his front tooth
*the tooth fairy forgot to take the tooth and leave the dough
*the duke accepted his parent's cockamamie excuse as to why the tooth fairy didn't come
*the duke's parents decided to lay off the sauce the next night until after the duke fell asleep and the tooth fairy did her job
*the lord of the ring is giddily happy with his GREAT new job
*the lord of the ring misses us
*we miss the lord of the ring
*the lord of the ring gets to charge room service at hotel california what a lovely place to his employer
*we're having meatloaf


so, that's what has been happening here at the big red house...

and just in case you're wondering what i have been up to the past month...

*sillymortalmama has been biding her time until she could get back here meanwhile daily perfecting her graceful arc toward truly insane

in other words, nothing much has changed...

x.

excuse me, where is the back of the line?

while i LOVE having the lord of the ring home all day every day it does absolutely nothing for our bank account and even less for reasonable access to the computer for me...

(he offers it to me often and graciously...but no way in hell am i gonna sit my ass down in front of the computer when he needs it for the rewarding and personally satisfying task of pounding the virtual pavement)

and by the time all is said and done and there actually is computer time i'm wiped by the day and oh yeah, just maybe, possibly, a smidge of worry for what the near future holds...

in the meantime while i cannot write i am reading the memoirs of others...books by women roughly my age who are far better writers than myself...writing about their lives that are far more interesting and amusing than my own...

but the good news is!!!!...our auto insurance agent recently switched us to a way better and lower rate car insurance than we had before...no shit...really...

x.

happy new year!

we are headed to the emerald city to ring in the new year with lil' sis and her family...

i will be back on monday and until then, enjoy your holiday and BE SAFE!

blessings for a beautiful and bountiful new year, x.

what i wonder is...

well i wonder many a thing...

i know, recent events being such as they are it sucks that i take advantage of the luxury to sit and wonder...i am alive...i am safe...that should be enough...but somehow it's not...

because while i am alive and safe i am also more than slightly touched by the evil that is mild chronic depression, slight self absorption (really, i find that it's barely noticeable), and the fact that the world indeed does suck every once in awhile without my having anything to do with it...

which should lead me to therapy, but that's another story...

for instance lately i wonder if the lord of the ring will have a job after this afternoon which then gets me to wondering exactly how far i will have to make this chicken i'm roasting stretch...happy new year, carcass casserole anyone?...

i wonder what exactly it is that makes drinking in the afternoon wrong...

anyone?...

i wonder why it is the cat has total access to her own private bathroom facilities yet still prefers to pee on my bed...

(perhaps i'm not the only creature in this house who could benefit from a little therapy)

i'm sure there are more, but because i am also currently consumed with wondering why it is that three boys together (nephew visiting) feel like a baker's dozen i can't come up with any more...

it's definite boybarianpalooza at the big red house today!

i do have to say that i called auntieEN who has a fiancee' and future in-laws all living in/near chennai (madras) on the coast of india and she reports that he and his family are safe and have not been personally affected by the recent tidal waves...

i was wondering heavily about that all day yesterday and this morning, and now can scratch that off the list...

hey why not make it an even two scratches and forget wondering why it is that drinking in the afternoon is wrong...

x.

okay, i'm back...just so y'all don't think i'm in the corner with a bottle of colt45 while the boybarians +1 trash the joint (really it didn't cross my mind for a second...well maybe for a second but NO longer than that!...and i would have totally put it in a paper bag so they didn't know it was beer that i was drinking...really, i do have some class ;) ) i wanted to let you know that there has been a change of plans...the boybarians +1 and i are having tea and biscuits...

it's very sweet and highly amusing to sit and sip hot tea with these three knuckleheads and makes me wonder why i didn't think of it sooner...

hell hath no fury like mother nature...

i had something not particularly witty or profound to type today but i think i will keep it to myself and instead dedicate this space to expressing my extreme sadness and shocked horror at the continued devastation and death being brought by yesterday's earthquake and resulting tidal waves...

wow, it really makes "everything else" just seem like a drop in the bucket, doesn' t it?...

x.