i need to get out more...

it was so windy last night and this morning i went outside to check on stuff...

turns out our best blue tarp (yeah, out here in the sticks blue tarps get categories) had blown away and was down against the back pasture fence....

as i went out to get it i was bending over to yank it away from the fence and i thought to myself

"hey, this is in the shape of a dead body all wrapped up...wouldn't that be creepy"

GOOD MORNING!

man, i gotta get out more...

being giddily excited by the wood getting stacked before the rains came and draining two day old fetid water from the washing machine somehow doesn't cut it...it's lacking that je ne se quoi...or however you spell it...see, if i got out more i betcha i'd know how to spell it...

oh wait, that's right...i am getting out today...to the LAUNDRO-MAT with the boybarians!!!...big fun...why are the darker parts of my childhood flooding back?...

the best part about the LAUNDRO-MAT i am going to is that it's right next door to the money tree check cashing joint...could i get luckier?...WHY YES I CAN!...this particular LAUNDRO-MAT is also on the highway right behind a bus stop!...

yes, i am snob about such matters...but when you spend even one portion of your life in a trailer park under a bridge then it becomes paramount to your soul that you spend your life shying away from certain realities...like the LAUNDRO-MAT...yeah it was kicky and quirky and fun doing my laundry at the LAUNDRO-MAT in san francisco with the cute boy i was macking with, but this is a far far different set of circumstances...

then tonight i promised the boybarians an indoor campout...with the ever popular "squirrel burgers"...they are beyond excited...and just so you know, i did not introduce them to "squirrel burgers"...no, that would be the mathematician...yes, he was so generous with the introduction of the "squirrel burger"and with gambling also...sometimes you don't have to search for good strong role models for your kids, often they just fall into your lap...

oh, and just one last mention before i leave...while at the library yesterday i was unloading my armful of books...the duke put his up...wingman adding his to the pile...

the librarian says good naturedly

"oh, that's a lot of books"

then i open my totebag to unload the rest...

(yes i have a totebag...and yes i know totebags are not cool)

"wow, that is a lot of books!"

to which i respond

"yeah, we don't get out much"

duh...why i feel the need to broadcast that i don't know...

by now the librarian has swiped my card and sees that in addition to the books i have on the counter to check out, i already have 60 books at home checked out...

"well, obviously you know how to spend your time at home...and just so you know, i know who you are and you are one of the reasons our library is number 3 for circulation in the county!"

i don't know what to say...so i don't say anything...

"and that's good because more circulation means more money for our particular branch!"

the line is beginning to pile up behind me...then i remember

"oh, do i have any holds in?"

"yes, you have 9"

the proof is in the pudding people...i don't know what more i can say...

x.

ides of march...

i have been doing the following on my not self-imposed hiatus:

taking boybarians to the dentist
stacking a ginormous mountain of wood
draining a broken washing machine
taking care of the boybarians while the lord of the ring is away

i have absolutely NO time to visit here...it's sad really, because there are just too many funny things to tell you...

and as it is the ides of march, i can only imagine what lay ahead...

actually, technically, the ides of march is simply a way of saying "march 15" in the old roman calendar...there are ides every month of the year...they are on the 13th of every month except march, may, july and october wherein the ides fall on the 15th...

"beware the ides of march" is from shakespeare's play julius caesar...which was just the warning given to caesar that he should be on guard...the theory is that he got the date wrong, thinking the ides to be on the 13th that month...obviously, he was wrong...

but what really came of that whole date debacle, well, other than the assassination of julius caesar, was the ominous and dramatic saying "beware the ides of march"...

(by the way, caesar salad has nothing to do with julius caesar...but c-sections and the awful haircut by the same name do...thought i'd throw that in...you know, since i'm channeling cliff clavin and all...though i'd rather be channeling norm...as he was more popular by far and also drunk a great deal of the time...although, he was awfully large and sweaty, too...hmmm...maybe i can just channel the beer drinking part...i certainly don't need any encouragement in the large and sweaty department...or the beer drinking department for that matter)

but, i digress...

who cares how it originated and whether or not it means anything...i'm not taking any chances BECAUSE it is also around this same time that the virgin mary found out that she was pregnant with jesus by the holy spirit...holy crap!...

anyhow, in the meantime, i have three posts in the crumbling wings of my addled brain and i am aiming to commit them to cyberspace this week...

stay tuned...

oh, and beware the ides of march...and uh, smooth talking spirits, too...

although smooth spirits would be fine...a nice glass of maker's mark...or perhaps a well made martini...extra dry...

by the way, anyone know how to repair a washing machine?

x.

pain in the neck...

and so it goes, among other disastrous and sad and poignant events that have taken place this monday morning, i have thrown out my neck...again...for ohh the zillionth time...

i really gotta do something about that...

x.

counting my blessings and minutes until bedtime...

"i'm a young author!...can't you see i'm busy and i have my hands full!"

shouted by the duke to wingman just now...

this coupled with his newfound love of the tap dancing cowboys from oklahoma! and i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

good thing i'm still slightly feverish and more than that i love him to pieces and then some...given that, i decide to neither laugh or cry but rather to rejoice in the fact that i have the best seven year old on the planet...

x.

i have lived to see another day...

okay, so i'm not going to die...and i don't think it's SARS...

BUT, i am keeping my eye on that avian flu thing...you can't be too careful...plus there's this suspicious looking red-breasted robin who's as of late taken to following me and looking at me funny...

the fever has passed and the body aches are gone...i still feel like crap, but i think i'm pretty much outta the woods for the actual honest to goodness flu...(knock on wood and the NyQuil bottle)

the duke is a bit warm, but i'm dosing him on the same kinda of fluids i've been drinking and promising him burgers and shakes this weekend if he doesn't get sick...we can't afford for the lord of the ring to return home and get sick...so i want us at 100% by friday...plus, i'm really craving a burger and a shake...

i know, sometimes we need to be sick...need that downtime to rest and let our bodies heal...

i'll rest when i'm dead...right now there are kids to take care of and a house to keep afloat...plus, you know...the burger and shake...with bacon, and some blue cheese...a few hot and salty fries...chocolate shake...or maybe strawberry...

the lord of the ring is rarely sick...he tells himself he can't get sick and he doesn't...the power of positive thinking, perhaps...but really, it's just about being stubborn in the face of illness...you've got to tell yourself the sickness doesn't belong to you...

if lance armstrong can be stubborn about his illness and battle the incredible amount of cancer he had and the subsequent death sentence the doctors gave him enough to come back and win the toughest athletic challenge of all, SIX TIMES I MIGHT ADD!!, then i can rid myself of what wants to be the flu...

(although i can't say i hold the same level of admiration for his choice in women...sheryl crow?...really???...because if i had taken on and won all the tough battles he has in his life, i certainly wouldn't waste my time with the human equivalent of a worn out old leather handbag who steals other people's songs and calls them her own...but, to each his own)

LIVESTRONG

x.

it's SARS, i know it's SARS...

i have a fever...

i have a fever and i am alone with the boybarians until friday...

and what is my greatest fear?...not that i will die from some dreaded flu, but that people will have to come in to remove my decaying body and see the state my house and the boybarians are in after a few days of me being sick...

school aged kids home in the middle of the morning...living in squalor (a relative term you understand) all filthy themselves and eating cold cereal smeared with crisco and watching the home shopping network...

so while i should have spent today lying on the couch resting, instead i cleaned the house (again, a relative term) finished the laundry, made healthy ready to eat meals and snacks they could grab from the fridge, and gave them both baths...

plus i put the beer cans and wine bottles at the bottom of the recycling...you know, just in case...

this way, if they do come in there will be less opportunity for them to jump to the conclusion that we are just one more of those rural "homeschooling families" they do shows about on primetime news...

the good news is that i love me some NyQuil somethin' fierce...and while i won't go all kitty dukakis on the stuff and drink it when i'm not sick, i do love the times i'm on death's door and it's recommended, even insisted upon that i take it at bedtime...

x.

yup, i think that about sums it up...

just to give you an idea of what's been happening around here lately without going into intricate and boring detail that includes waaaay too much personal information, i have spent time researching the following two items this week

1. how to re-grow eyebrows
2. how to look twenty pounds lighter just with the proper underwear

how i came to these two particular research subjects is neither here nor there...

BUT, i'll tell you one thing...it's hard to say whether i have too much time on my hands or not enough...

x.

oh, and this just in...as i'm writing this the duke is running by completely naked...well, he did have a bath...but he was done half an hour ago...

"um, why are you still naked?"

"i'm an olympic athlete!"

"really...i don't recall any of the athletes being naked the last time we watched"

exasperated and eye-rolling he responds

"from the real olympics...you know, in ancient greece?"

yup, i think that about sums it up...

life as he knows it...

so we went to lil' sis's and spent the night...

when i got done putting the kids to bed i went and sat down on the couch...i saw a stack of pictures on the table and was leafing through them...at first i didn't know what they were of and i was wondering why my sister had pictures of what seemed to be some deranged church group at a picnic with the extras from deliverance...

then i realized they were pictures from my first wedding...

then i realized under that stack were pictures from my second wedding...

my sister...

anyhow, one of the pictures from my second wedding was of some young man in a red and white ford ranger truck smiling at the camera...it was such a weird picture to me for some reason...and i had NO idea who it was...

"who is this?"

"oh, he dropped off one of the catering staff before your wedding...you know, the one with the nipples?"

i kid you not this girl shows up at my wedding to serve wearing a barely there tank top and no bra...as you can imagine, the bride was less than pleased...anyhow, so the truck guy was her boyfriend/brother/friend/pimp whatever...

so i'm driving home yesterday and when i decide not to take my exit off the highway and to take the next one so i can go by the video store...i rarely drive this stretch of highway...

i notice that i'm coming up kind of fast on the vehicle up ahead...i move over into the other lane and i notice the vehicle is a truck towing a lawn tractor...the truck is a ford ranger...it is red and white...

i chuckle to myself and think wouldn't it be funny if it was the truck guy from the picture...

when lo and behold i pass the truck and look over and he looks over and IT'S HIM!!!...the truck guy from the picture!!!...same truck, same guy, the same grin!!!...i kid you not...it was so weird...

but what's weirder is here i am seeing the truck guy and screaming

"oh my god!...it's the truck guy!!...i have a picture of that guy!!!"

to which the duke responded

"oh"

and apparently didn't think it was weird in the least...that's it, "oh"...like it's just life as normal that his mother is shouting about some totally random stranger guy in a truck that she has a picture of and just happens to be currently passing on the highway...

i tell you, he's either extremely well adjusted and therefore can take life in total stride, or else the poor kid's gonna need a LOT of help when he's older...

x.

if a tree falls in the forest...

i have learned something about myself during this whole weekday solo parenting gig...

i have learned that if there isn't anyone around to complain to or to pick up the slack, then i actually do whatever needs doing...with virtually no complaining or dragging of the feet at all...

sure, when the lord of the ring calls at night when he's done with work i give him an ear full of the "poor me" variety, but during the day i just do it...

and that is different for me...because i like to complain...i am good at it...and i am awfully good at the big heavy sigh and the woe is me face...and i am really good at letting everyone know just exactly how i feel and how put upon i am...

wow, i'm sure interested (read: scared beyond reason) to see who the boybarians will end up choosing to date/marry/sleep with as a result of this...i like to think how i parent them will keep them out of therapy, but i am amazed at how consistently i do just the opposite...huh...anyhow, where were we?

oh yeah, it's not that i want to be a whiny bitch, it's just that i don't know how not to be...

apparently being a single parent solves that...or at least shoves it to the side where everything else i enjoy doing is...because when there isn't a soul around to do what you can't do or won't do or to just pitch in in general, then there isn't anyone else but you...and when there isn't anyone else but you, there isn't any use in complaining about it...because regardless of how much you don't want to do it, you have to...case closed...

plus, i have found that complaining to myself just isn't as *rewarding* as complaining to the lord of the ring...there is definitely something lacking...i don't think i am nearly as sympathetic...

so i stopped...well, not completely as there is the nightly phone call...but that's more for the lord of the ring's sake...poor guy, he's homesick there at the hotel california what a lovely place...and what more to make him feel right at home than his wife bitchin' about her day?...well, maybe i could throw a pillow case that the cat peed on and a ziploc full of legos to sprinkle on the floor in his suitcase next time he leaves...then he'd feel right at home...

so i've worked out a routine for myself, and have given and expected more responsibility from the boybarians...and you know what, they have really taken to it!...and because i am the only parent they have from monday through friday part of my routine is trying to be more present...and you know what, it works!...i know, this is not new information...but sometimes it's the simplest things we forget to remember...

in being more present with the boybarians on a more consistent basis, and expecting them to take a few responsibilities on for themselves, i have actually gotten more of their cooperation...and as a result slightly more boybarian-free time wherein they are occupied and i am not interrupted...

i generally use those 3 1/2 minutes to pee...

i am in no way suggesting that things are better here with the lord of the ring gone...it's just that by default i have complete control (finally!) ...during the week there simply isn't anyone else to share power and duties with, so i just move forward...and i expect the boybarians to help out with that...

and, for now, it works...and i have to say i rather enjoy a household wherein every one has some responsibility, cooperation isn't just a theory, and i'm not bitching and moaning about every little thing...as you may be able to imagine, it's surprisingly refreshing...

but, this is still the big red house...home of sillymortalmama and the boybarians...there will be no holding of the breath and much enjoying it while it lasts...

because like stoveman says, eventually all good kids turn on you like snakes (what did we put that man through?)...i suspect my 3 1/2 minutes will begin to dwindle here pretty soon, chipped away by a second here, a second there...until there i am, going pee while they shout and shove each other and pound on the door and ask me for stuff...meanwhile i am wishing for a stiff drink and taking the lord of the ring's name in vain...

so, i suppose i'd have to surmise from all of this that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it fall, it doesn't mean it doesn't make a sound...it just means that the tree is gonna have to suck it up and continue to fall and wait to complain about it later...

x.

we're off to see the lord of the ring, the wonderful lord of the ring!

okay so we're off to collect the lord of the ring for his weekly appearance...

i am mildly better only after thoroughly dosing myself with garlic and ginger steeped in hot water...FUN!

i drank it ALL day yesterday and am a bit better today...i would have done so again today, but the lord of the ring arrives tonight and really i just can't do that to the poor guy...

it's bad enough there's a dead rodent under the sink that's been there since tuesday that's waiting for disposal upon his return...

it's good to have a man around...even if it is only for two days a week...

x.

gotcha!

apparently i finally caught that cold i have been chasing...

bleh...

x.

the coconut doesn't fall far from the tree...

so wingman turned four this month...

and as always there was a party planned, guests invited, a cake...

this year he chose a chicka chicka boom boom theme...for those of you who do not know chicka chicka boom boom it is a children's book about a bunch of unsafe and delinquent lower case letters who climb up a coconut tree ALL AT THE SAME TIME...well, as you can imagine the tree can't hold the weight of 26 lower case letters and they all fall off...

well, there are some injuries that occur as a result of the accident...some quite serious, some more minor...as a result, all the upper case letters come rushing to the scene to help the little rascals (who really should have known better)...

one might assume at this point that the lower case letters had learned their collective lesson, but as with most children these lessons aren't learned until they themselves grow up and have children of their own...and because of this juvenile lack in judgment the little delinquents not only CLIMB THE COCONUT TREE AGAIN! they sneak out at night to do so!!!

well, i don't know...i mean 26 lower case letters all sneaking out at the same time?...and none of the upper cases notice?...this world is teetering i tell you...we could just go right over the edge at any moment...

but, i digress...

back to the party...so i make a ginormous cake shaped like the coconut tree in the book complete with coconuts and fronds with gummy letters climbing to the top...

there are guests and presents and balloons...general birthday party merriment abounds...

then it's time for the cake...which means it's time for the candles...and, if this were a "normal" home, the birthday song...

but, some years ago, the duke decided that a bunch of people singing "happy birthday" to him was just too much...he said it made him nervous and shy...

well, he was three years old at the time...and then right before his fourth birthday out of the blue he said

"i don't want anyone to sing 'happy birthday' at the party"

"oh...okay...why?"

"i don't like it..."

"okaaay...what should we sing to you?"

"for he's a jolly good fellow"

and so for all the birthdays to come it was "for he's a jolly good fellow" in place of "happy birthday" for the duke...everyone who comes to his parties knows this about him and sings "for he's a jolly good fellow"...he's even been known to take the birthday kid at other parties aside and inform them that they have a choice in the whole singing of "happy birthday"...as you would guess, the other children look at him as if he is insane...or just one of those weird homeschooled kids...and not surprisingly as wingman came up in the birthday party circuit he nixed "happy birthday" by his second party...

so, we haven't sung it for him since...and we weren't going to sing it for him this party...he doesn't want any singing, in fact...not even "for he's a jolly good fellow"...

but we still did the candle make a wish and blow it out thing...but this year as i light the candles and everyone's gathered around he refuses...

i gently nudge him and he still refuses...and that is that...

"just wet's have some take (cake)"

so, i blew out the candles and we cut and served the cake...

so later after all the festivities were over and the guests were gone, wingman and the duke were playing quietly with the days spoils in front of the fire...

i say to wingman

"did you have a nice birthday?"

"yeah...tinda (kinda), but not willy (really)"

of course the lord of the ring and stoveman (my dad) and i all perked our ears up...

"oh...what didn't you like about it?"

"well, it tinda makes me fuserwated (frustrated)"

"what makes you frustrated?"

"dus (just) well, awl(all) of it dus makes me fuserwated"

and then (and not for the first time mind you) it dawned on me that i had given birth to my husband in the form of wingman...my husband is one of those i don't really like my birthday and have on occasion even forgotten about it kinda people...can i say i just don't understand this particular trait in certain people?...but, there is much i don't understand about the lord of the ring in general...good thing i have the rest of my life to figure him out...

and now, here was wingman...so much like his father...frustrated by the hoopla of the birthday party...by the pomp and circumstance, the performing...the attention...which is odd because he loves attention and is quite the ham...but like his father, he enjoys the attention if it's under his control...being showered by it is just not his thing...

what he did love was having his cousins there to run around with...having cake and ice cream that HE got to choose all by himself...and having second helpings later on...

even the presents were secondary...sure, what kid doesn't like getting gifts?...but it was just more of the performance part he could do without...and no one thrusts this on him or expects a thing of him...we even did away with the big open them all at once present extravaganza for both the duke and wingman a few years ago...and even with opening them separately with the individual giver and staggered throughout the day, it's just not him...

and it isn't as if he didn't appreciate it all, it's just given the choice he'd rather just play and eat cake...and hey, having some new toys to play with thrown in here and there isn't too bad...

he is his father's son...

now, the duke is a bit more like me in the whole birthday party deal...he LOVES a party...and he plans his parties months in advance...he is convinced i will construct any kind of party he can dream up...and he has quite a bit of fun dreaming them up...thus far i've done a fair job, but the kid has his birthday parties planned for about five years in advance...at some point his creativity and colossal faith in my limited abilities are going to expose the house of cards that each of his parties is built upon...

then the jig will indeed be and up we're just gonna have to go to chuck e. cheese and call it good...

sadly, i can't pay anyone to present me with a cake and a party...and believe me i've asked!...well, more like hinted in a slightly neurotic and whiny poor me tone...but i live in a house made mostly of frustrated birthday boys...if they can't handle their own birthdays, then there's not a lot of hope of the perfect pink cake and girly cocktail themed party in my future!...

(to be fair, the lord of the ring does sweet things for me on my birthday and makes me wonderful meals...but a pink cake...since i was sillymortalgirl i have been wanting a pink cake)

but that's the beauty of family...the diversity and the celebration of the individual...and i do love trying to take their dreams and bringing them to reality...when they see the cake they have thought of come to life, well it's priceless...

so if you ever come to one of wingman's birthday parties (hey, who knows how long he'll even allow those!) it'll be presents when he wants to open them, cake and ice cream with no candles or singing, and having lots and lots of fun just hanging out with his family...

he is a jolly good fellow, that one...

x.

my day, thus far...

the duke of fun is a really awesome human being...

that being said, he is sometimes so odd...

the following came out of his mouth just this morning...imagine a whole day with him...a week...a year...eighteen years by law!

upon seeing me open a new pack of drawing paper for he and wingman he said

"oh good...new papyrus"

he came up to me with a big illustrated history of the world book in hand and obviously pleased with himself he said

"i am going to go and read this to distract myself so i don't physically harm my brother...isn't that a good idea?"

when i told him it was time to get dressed, make his bed, and brush his teeth he held up the aforementioned history book and said

"i am too busy educating myself...sorry"

upon my mentioning that i have upped his cursive writing requirements during spelling he sang the following for the length of the work

"why are you torturing me
why are you torturing me
hi ho the dairy oh
why are you torturing me"

sigh...i would like to say the following to the duke

"BRAVO! you are channeling your restlessness that more often than not turns into a fun and exciting activity known as *must aggressively bug younger brother* to reading about all the past aggression that has gotten our world to where it is!"

"BRAVO! that instead of whining the whole way through your work that is, and i quote, 'simply NOT necessary' you sing a cute and mildly amusing (i am about as cheerful as a bag full of weasels most days...i am not easily amused, to be sure) ditty...albeit off key and loudly"

fortunately, i simply can't!...because BRAVO! it is rest time and the duke is thankfully tucked away upstairs for one blessed hour...ahhh...

oh, i know what you're thinking...sixty minutes doesn't seem like a lot...

but trust me, it is...

x.

one month is the new dog year...

hiya...

let's see i haven't been here in about a billion years and there is much to report...but, i won't even bother...one month around here is like a dog's year...

but, i will touch upon some highlights of the past month...

*the lord of the ring lost his job
*wingman turned 4 (upon which i learned that he doesn't really like the hoopla of a birthday...???...more on this to come)
*the duke has discovered a GREAT love of ancient battles, where they occurred, the rulers/leaders and the weapons particular to each battle
*the duke has begun to scare me more and more
*the lord of the ring got offered a GREAT job
*the lord of the ring accepted the aforementioned GREAT job
*the lord of the ring turned 40 (apparently, 40 is the new 30...whatever that means...i cannot stand those kinds of proclamations...like the polka dot is the new plaid or whatever else they dream up...when they come out with the fat ass is the new "whatever" then we'll talk)
*wingman decided to never cut his hair
*the lord of the ring started his GREAT new job
*the lord of the ring spends the week at some schmancy hotel california what a lovely place working at his GREAT new job and we get him on the weekends
*the lord of the ring says it's temporary
*the lord of the ring is known to favor optimism in the face of not really quite knowing exactly how "temporary" temporary is
*the bag lady in paris moved to the lone star state
*the duke lost his front tooth
*the tooth fairy forgot to take the tooth and leave the dough
*the duke accepted his parent's cockamamie excuse as to why the tooth fairy didn't come
*the duke's parents decided to lay off the sauce the next night until after the duke fell asleep and the tooth fairy did her job
*the lord of the ring is giddily happy with his GREAT new job
*the lord of the ring misses us
*we miss the lord of the ring
*the lord of the ring gets to charge room service at hotel california what a lovely place to his employer
*we're having meatloaf


so, that's what has been happening here at the big red house...

and just in case you're wondering what i have been up to the past month...

*sillymortalmama has been biding her time until she could get back here meanwhile daily perfecting her graceful arc toward truly insane

in other words, nothing much has changed...

x.

excuse me, where is the back of the line?

while i LOVE having the lord of the ring home all day every day it does absolutely nothing for our bank account and even less for reasonable access to the computer for me...

(he offers it to me often and graciously...but no way in hell am i gonna sit my ass down in front of the computer when he needs it for the rewarding and personally satisfying task of pounding the virtual pavement)

and by the time all is said and done and there actually is computer time i'm wiped by the day and oh yeah, just maybe, possibly, a smidge of worry for what the near future holds...

in the meantime while i cannot write i am reading the memoirs of others...books by women roughly my age who are far better writers than myself...writing about their lives that are far more interesting and amusing than my own...

but the good news is!!!!...our auto insurance agent recently switched us to a way better and lower rate car insurance than we had before...no shit...really...

x.

happy new year!

we are headed to the emerald city to ring in the new year with lil' sis and her family...

i will be back on monday and until then, enjoy your holiday and BE SAFE!

blessings for a beautiful and bountiful new year, x.

what i wonder is...

well i wonder many a thing...

i know, recent events being such as they are it sucks that i take advantage of the luxury to sit and wonder...i am alive...i am safe...that should be enough...but somehow it's not...

because while i am alive and safe i am also more than slightly touched by the evil that is mild chronic depression, slight self absorption (really, i find that it's barely noticeable), and the fact that the world indeed does suck every once in awhile without my having anything to do with it...

which should lead me to therapy, but that's another story...

for instance lately i wonder if the lord of the ring will have a job after this afternoon which then gets me to wondering exactly how far i will have to make this chicken i'm roasting stretch...happy new year, carcass casserole anyone?...

i wonder what exactly it is that makes drinking in the afternoon wrong...

anyone?...

i wonder why it is the cat has total access to her own private bathroom facilities yet still prefers to pee on my bed...

(perhaps i'm not the only creature in this house who could benefit from a little therapy)

i'm sure there are more, but because i am also currently consumed with wondering why it is that three boys together (nephew visiting) feel like a baker's dozen i can't come up with any more...

it's definite boybarianpalooza at the big red house today!

i do have to say that i called auntieEN who has a fiancee' and future in-laws all living in/near chennai (madras) on the coast of india and she reports that he and his family are safe and have not been personally affected by the recent tidal waves...

i was wondering heavily about that all day yesterday and this morning, and now can scratch that off the list...

hey why not make it an even two scratches and forget wondering why it is that drinking in the afternoon is wrong...

x.

okay, i'm back...just so y'all don't think i'm in the corner with a bottle of colt45 while the boybarians +1 trash the joint (really it didn't cross my mind for a second...well maybe for a second but NO longer than that!...and i would have totally put it in a paper bag so they didn't know it was beer that i was drinking...really, i do have some class ;) ) i wanted to let you know that there has been a change of plans...the boybarians +1 and i are having tea and biscuits...

it's very sweet and highly amusing to sit and sip hot tea with these three knuckleheads and makes me wonder why i didn't think of it sooner...

hell hath no fury like mother nature...

i had something not particularly witty or profound to type today but i think i will keep it to myself and instead dedicate this space to expressing my extreme sadness and shocked horror at the continued devastation and death being brought by yesterday's earthquake and resulting tidal waves...

wow, it really makes "everything else" just seem like a drop in the bucket, doesn' t it?...

x.

"now i will place my hands between your breasts"

so we get to the airport early on monday morning...

they tell you to be there two hours before your flight...but then don't open the check-in counter until an hour before your flight...

okay...thanks for that, i could really have used that extra hour to sleep, but whatever...

so i wait in line for an hour for the counter to open, check my bags and head to security...

as we are in line for the security check the guy who checks boarding passes and i.d.'s lets me know that wingman and i have been "red flagged" by security as "a risk"...

i look at him like he is insane...

"um, my son is three years old...how could he possibly be flagged by security?"

"i'm sorry ma'am, i'm not privy to that kind of information...could you step over here please"

"but i have two sons...why is it only one of them is flagged?"

"ma'am, could you step out of the line over here please"

meanwhile as he is ushering us out of line he loudly shouts to the security detail at the front

"we have two red flags here!...two red flags!"

thanks buddy...i can feel all of the necks craning to get a better look at the would be terrorists...i am sure they are bummed that it isn't someone more exotic and dangerous looking...just a slightly plump irritated looking woman with two small kids...oooh, better clutch your carry on a bit tighter to your body and hope we aren't on your plane!...

basically this means that we are sent to a little glass enclosed room next to the carry on x-ray checker thing and get patted down, frisked, wanded (that wand thing they beep over your body) and questioned...

meanwhile, no less than five security agents completely dismantle all of our carry ons, including the duke's...who again, is oddly enough not flagged by security...just me and wingman...but because he is with us in the room (i couldn't leave him outside the room like they wanted me to) his stuff is gone through too...

we get in the room and the agent says "just take a seat and relax"

i look at her and say

"right...what an excellent idea...say, any tips on how that's possible?"

she gives me a weak smile...probably because she knows that i know i am prohibited by law of saying anything truly nasty to her...and probably because she must be more than slightly embarrassed by the fact that she will now have to question and frisk a three year old...

by now my shoes have been taken, i'm down to pants and a shirt in a freezing airport, my sons and i are being treated with suspicion, and all my stuff is on a table completely being gone through...and, because of this, i may miss my flight...i'm relaxed alright...

so then she questions with the standard questions about where i am going, etc...meanwhile, EVERYBODY on the security staff going through our stuff did seem duly embarrassed about the situation...you know, going through two kid's backpacks, rifling through the captain underpants activity book for secret documents outlining elaborate attack plots, checking in the philadelphia chickens coloring crayon box for weapons, rifling through a child's wallet perhaps to find evidence in the form of large unmarked foreign bills...oh, and the fact that wingman is THREE AND ALL!!...

but once you are flagged, that's it...they have to take you through the whole procedure...i am very obviously pissed and cannot seem to answer any of the questions without complete irritation...

"would you prefer a male agent to come in and pat down your son?"

"actually, i would prefer NO agent come in and pat down my THREE YEAR OLD SON...but since i obviously don't have a choice in the matter you are welcome to do it"

meanwhile she's got her hands on my breasts (i am not wearing a bra due to the rash i had...in hindsight, this was a bad decision...but it's too late now) and is asking me to roll down the waistband of my pants...

the duke is looking at the both of us like we're insane...

then she has wingman spread his legs and she actually honest to god pats him down!!!...everywhere!!!(of course, the duke thinks this is great fun and wants her to pat him down too!)

and then she questions wingman!!!

okay, so she doesn't shine a light on him or anything, but she asks where we are going and his favorite color...i know, so she wasn't "questioning" him, just trying to be nice but it doesn't wash with me...i have decided to be pissed and i was holding on to that for all it was worth...

and it doesn't help that now that the duke is in on the "fun", this seems like a big adventure...

and because i want him to feel comfortable, even if i don't, i have to validate this...so as he smiles at me i am forced to smile back with a "yeah, sure, this is fun!" smile...i am not amused by this turn of events...

when all is said and done and we are excused from the room and can get our stuff everybody is being overly cheerful to us...

"hey there sport, is this your backpack, you can put it on now!"

gee thanks, after i PACK IT BACK UP FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS MORNING!!!

"ma'am we're all set you're welcome to pack your stuff back up"

"i certainly hope it doesn't take me as long to pack it up this time as it took me THE FIRST TIME I DID IT!"

i know i'm being childish, but i don't care...fuck them and their goddamned security...i am a woman traveling with two small children three thousand miles from home that is most certainly going to miss her flight if i don't repack three crayons and a purse and gather up three jackets, three pairs of gloves, three scarves and three hats not to mention wrestle two kids back into shoes and run to the farthest mother fuckin' gate in the place!...

i was up at 12 am, traveled through two hours of snow, and had two more hours of waiting at this airport...i am sweaty and pissed i have been interrupted and felt up and embarrassed and had to watch as someone PATTED DOWN MY THREE YEAR OLD SON!...and it's not even six am!!!

i am packing up my stuff refusing to chit chat with any of the five people trying to be nice to me as i try to shove everything back into wherever it will fit...

did i mention i was JUST getting over that head to toe rash as well...

so they are all standing there, embarrassed and smiling at me and i am packing my purse and trying to keep track of the boybarians and our stuff as i am just right there in the same line and using the same table as everybody else who didn't get felt up and everybody is rushing by us grabbing their stuff coming off the x-ray machine bumping into me and the boys and pissed that WE are in THEIR way because they are all just trying to get to their flights...

i snap...

i am packing my purse and grab my benedryl and two tubes of anti-itch cream and look at the woman who i saw going through my purse...

"i notice you aren't wearing gloves"

"no ma'am we don't often wear gloves when conducting a search"

"well that's a shame as i'm just getting over a three day head to toe rash of unknown origin...the doctors believe it's probably contagious (lie)...i certainly hope you don't get anything like that after touching all of my medication and personal items...it itched like holy hell and was not pretty...you know, raised welts, blisters where my clothing touched too tightly, swelling, lots of itching in places you'd rather not be itching in...(unfortunately, not a lie)"

i scooped up the jackets and my shoved together purse and pushed the boybarians ahead of me and we ran like hell to the other end of the airport just in time for boarding...

and the only reason we made it was because the plane was being de-iced and as a result, boarding was delayed by fifteen minutes...

i could have been more polite...i could have been more accommodating...and really, i usually am...i count on security to keep me and my family and my country safe...but really, come on...is patting down a three year old really what homeland security is all about?...

sadly, i am sure more than a few people have used their children for all manner of illegal and dangerous activities..certainly in hindsight i can be a bit more objective...but at the time, it was impossible given the circumstances...

this could be the makings of me turning into one of those people who refuses to travel more than ten minutes away from home...i can see it all now...i'll watch travel shows and buy stuff from the shopping channel and feel as though i am seeing all there is to see in life...without ever having to leave the house...

but, it's done...we are home...and really, i guess that's all that matters...and one day, it might even seem funny...and, like i said...even though i am still pissed, i can be more objective about it now...this world is changing daily...and sadly not for the better i'm afraid...i'm surprised it wasn't worse and hasn't happened more often...

honestly though, now that i really think about it?...i have to say, i have always thought there was something a bit shifty about wingman...

x.

home again, home again...

well, then...

the boybarians and i have returned from snowy new england...le petit prince was born earlier than we had expected so we did what needed doin' and changed plans and left before we got kicked out!...

seriously, the goddess mother was a birthing goddess, the labor was beautiful and quick, and the new family is settling in quite nicely...the goddess mother and the mathematician were born to be parents...

the boybarians were in the room for the whole thing, and while the goddess mother was pushing wingman so graciously blessed her with a continued chorus of "roy!...roy, roy, roy!...roy, roy roy!"

and that baby is just sweet and beautiful...and indeed le petit prince if i've ever met one...two weeks old today in fact...i love him...

so we're home...in time for christmas and for us all to recuperate from travel induced colds...

some highlights from our trip, other than the birth, included duke learning to gamble and use the phrase "kick your butt", wingman getting frisked by security at the airport, and my head to toe and everywhere in between rash that was just as ghastly as it sounds...stories to follow...

i've missed writing terribly...wait, i said that wrong...what i mean is i have terribly missed writing...see, i'm outta practice...

i hope you have all been well...i'll be back tomorrow, right now i am marveling at how much i love my home and the wonderful christmas tree the lord of the ring put up for us to decorate...

i cried when i got to the airport in the emerald city...it's good to be home...it was good to be there, but it's good to be home...

it's amazing the difference a day of travel can make...from snowy new england to the soggy northwest...

apparently, you can get there from here...and back again...

merry winter solstice...

blessings,

x.

leavin' on a jet plane...

tomorrow morning at an ungodly hour the boybarians and i are heading east on a big ol' jet airliner...

the goddess mother is due to give birth in about a week so off we go and won't be back till the new year...

i will have limited access to y'all and will check in when i can...

for now, wish us luck!...well, actually i'd send that luck to our fellow passengers...whoa boy...

i am a bit concerned about the frisking at the security checkpoint...and before my morning coffee!...and about the fact that i am checking luggage that contains a hand held breast pump...unmarked in a plastic baggie...god only knows what kind of chaos that could bring...

in the meantime, be good while i'm gone and i'll drop you a line from beautiful christmasy new england...

x.

boys...

i have started giving the boybarians separate baths...

just for more of a one on one time with me while i wash their hair and chat with them a bit, and to give them more time to themselves...

so i decided tonight to really teach the duke about penile self care as he is not circumcised...previously, i had just done cursory checks every very once in awhile during diaper changes and later during bathing...

i get wingman occupied so i can talk to the duke privately and seriously about his penis, the difference between being circumcised and not, and show him how to pull back the foreskin and check the head himself...

well, true to form wingman did not cooperate...

what he did was sit outside the door and sing at the top of his lungs...

it was the starbuck's commercial...

"roy...roy, roy, roy...roy, roy, roy...roy a man, doughin' (goin') to wort (work)..."

over and over and over...and over again...

meanwhile, i have my "this is important yet you should know that you can ask anything and above all be comfortable" voice on...i'm explaining the whole deal...i'm getting to the part where i'm talking about pulling the foreskin back, feeling as though i may have to very gingerly talk him through it, perhaps showing him how i have done it while he's previously been too young or too distracted to notice...meanwhile, hoping he's okay with it and it doesn't make him too uncomfortable or nervous about doing it......just as i'm getting to the heart of the matter he says matter of factly

"yeah...i know...i do this all the time..see"

and then i get a visual...

oh...well...okay...good work, then...carry on, lad...be in the kitchen if you need me...

before leaving i did give the chat (more quickly than i had planned) about checking and cleaning, and then left it at that...

i leave the bathroom and trip over wingman who's at the door and has since stopped singing...

"what you ah do-een ah his pee pee?...you ah neet (need) to tet (check) it?...you ah neet to tet mine too?...i ah not want you ah to tet mine...my ah pee pee is seeping (sleeping)...see"

and then he pulls down his pants...

and then i hear from the bathtub

"mama! mama! come here!...you gotta see how big my penis is!"

boys...boys, boys, boys...boys, boys, boys...

x.

don't worry, i haven't forgotten about you...

this week is crazy busy trying to get school crammed in a short week due to thanksgiving...which occurs two days in a row for our family...

that's a whole lotta turkey...

so, in order to fulfill my bringing duties for thursday and cooking duties for friday i am limited on time and cleverness...

but, i shall return...if i don't see you before then, have a happy thanksgiving...

x.

bad mommy, stealing is wrong...oh, and so is lying...

some months ago i mined a bunch of cash from the duke's wallet...it wasn't all at once...but over time i bled the kid dry...

see, he keeps it in my purse so when we go somewhere he has it...

which is an extremely unwise move on his part if you ask me...because it was there and convenient and so i took it...like a common thief...a petty criminal...but it's not like i took the kid's money and spent in on colt 45 and porn...it was necessary, and really for the good of all of us...

at first it was only 10 bucks because i had no cash at the time and needed it...for lunch (he might have starved if i hadn't...we can't have that) at another place that doesn't take cards...i intended to replace it the following day but forgot...

then it was another 7 one time when we parked at the ferry and i had to pay...again, i had no cash and used his...hey, it totally saved him from having to spare change the 7 bucks from other waiting passengers, okay?...

i took the last 2 to pay for a video when i didn't want to use my debit card for such a measly purchase...it was a magic school bus video, which is educational i might add...if i hadn't the duke may never have know what was going on inside ralphie's body...

the change got taken last saturday when the lord of the ring and i had forgotten to bring cash for the soccer coach's gift and we needed it to round out the cash he and i scrounged up...

and where was the duke during this time of thievery you may wonder?...well, since i keep the wallet he really didn't pay much attention to its whereabouts...and then when he did ask?...

i lied...i told him i couldn't find it...so i am a thief and a liar...the deal is i just kept forgetting to get the cash to replace it...it's like me and gas...for my car...the tank has to be nearly empty before i will stop for gas...i just forget, and then when i do remember, it seems like it's always at a bad time...

we've already established that i am lazy, so this really shouldn't come as much of a shock to y'all...

so, the other day i FINALLY went to the bank got the cash i needed and replaced it...all of it...down to the change, and i even slipped in a few extra silver coins...

then today i "found" his wallet...he was absolutely thrilled...and then he totally thanked me for "finding" it...yes, i felt like crap...then he looked at the money and said

"hey, don't you owe me some allowance?"

yeah, like three months worth...but i figure i can string him along till christmas...

x.

with sundays like this who needs mondays?

so two sundays ago i took the boybarians out to a cutesy seaside town...we walked around a bit, spent some time at the bookstore and then set off in search of lunch...

this is where it all falls to hell...

we decide to head across the street to the bakery...they have soups and scones and focaccia bread and then a little something sweet for after...

we go in and are drawn to the big glass case filled with pastries and cakes...everything looks so delicious...we were mesmerized by it all and that's why we must not have seen the four men lurking in the bay window between the doors...

just as i am starting to explain lunch choices it happens...

the four men bust into song and start singing...loudly...right there in the tiny quaint bakery these big men are singing a big song...a big loud song...

the boybarians are just staring at them, and wingman covers his ears...meanwhile, i am trying not to grimace and wondering what to do...i look around to asses my escape options and see that everyone in the friggin' place is watching these guys and they look happy...smiling and bobbing along to the music...

are they insane?...are they drunk?

okay i'm all for artistic expression and all, whatever...but a barbershop quartet in the middle of lunch in the middle of a tiny bakery?...

i realize that in order to leave i would have gather up my stuff and the boybarians and walk right past them singing and in fact might have to shove one out of the way to get to the door...that's clearly not going to do...

i may be bitch but i am a bitch with manners...

so i am trapped in line, shouting out the choices to the boys and wishing the line would move faster...it doesn't because it's one of those hip bakeries staffed by generation "who gives a fuck" and they are all moving slowly and chatting amongst themselves...

god was i ever that annoying?

anyhow, after ten minutes, yes TEN MINUTES of standing in line and listening to the loudest barbershop quartet ever, we get to the front...i place my order (silently hoping that by the time the food is ready a table will be open)...she rings me up...

"oh, um, we don't take cards"

"what?"

"um, yeah, it's just cash or check"

i must have just stood there with that tight look on my face (which anyone who knows me knows that's the look that precedes a bitch attack) but she must have thought i didn't get it...

"um, see cards cost us money for you to use them...so it's like not a good deal for us"

well thank you, suze orman for that enlightening fiscal explanation...that certainly helps the fact that i have been waiting in line for ten minutes being assaulted by a barbershop quartet only to have a child with eyebrow piercings and bra straps bigger than her shirt deny me food...and cash or check only???...you'd think one of them could put their apparently useless thus far college degrees to work and make a sign stating their "policy"...and who writes checks anymore???!!!...

i don't like a place where you're just expected to "know" what's what...and if you have to ask you obviously don't belong there...it's a bakery kids, not some secret ultra cool after hours club...

instead of saying what i would like to, i give her a wan smile (again, manners) and i gather the boys my stuff and my busted ear drums and head out the door...of course all the while trying to explain to the kids why it is they can't have the lunch they chose and trying to keep my ever growing irritation at bay...

by this time the barbershop quartet had finished and as i headed out the door THEY FOLLOWED ME!...

i'm walking up the street and they are right behind me and they start singing!!!...i grabbed the boys hands and start to move faster and faster...

i am being chased by a barbershop quartet!

okay, to be fair, in retrospect i think they started singing when they were behind me and then stopped in front of the shop next to the bakery...but i could have sworn they were following me...

so now i am extremely annoyed and sweaty (bad combo) , and the boybarians are beyond hungry and really whiny...

we eventually find lunch but before we could actually eat it i tried to be a good consumer and alerted the cashier to undercharging me 1.99 and ended up getting charged five extra dollars and then when i alerted him to that he got all snippy and bothered...and in the end mr. employee of the year finally ended up charging me only three extra dollars and my soup got cold in the process...

and of course, we had to bus our own table...and of course there are still tip jars everywhere...

we get back to the car and who is standing in front of it but the barbershop quartet...of course they are...where else would they be?...

they are singing their big ol hearts out and there's a crowd of people (clearly, again, each of them insane, or drunk) smiling and stopping to hear them...we get in the car and just sit there...

"c'mon mama, start the car"

"well, i can't until they stop singing"

"because that would be rude?"

"yes, that would be rude"

so we sit in the car listening to the barbershop quartet...it's the song that never ends...the boybarians heads begin to bob and i think one of them started to hum...

x.

free to be lazy ol' me...

so i am horribly behind on my novel adventure...

i like to think it's because the words i do have represent some really great work, and that it might just have to be about quality at this point rather than quantity...

but that is a crock of shit...the truth is i took a week off and now i am screwed...

i got some good work in today, and will work again after dinner...yup, twice a day for the next fifteen and i just might be able to do this yet...great...the thing is, i've never been a do anything every day kinda gal, so i certainly have no business thinking i'm gonna be able to write twice a day...i'm more the kind that starts off with the best of intentions and then just barely makes it to the cutoff with a big old sigh of relief and the knowledge that it never ends up being a job well done as much as it ends up being, well, at least the job is done...but i am ever optimistic, despite my obvious affliction...

which i do believe they call procrastination...only that sounds far too generous in my case...let's face it, i'm lazy...interested in doing and being more, dreaming big and exploring possibilities...i'm just lousy on the execution...

man, i would have made a really great stoner...i say *would* because of course i couldn't possibly afford to take up smoking pot now...

anyway, this week i aim to get back on track and stay there...and if that doesn't pan out i can fall back and be satisfied with the old "at least i tried" bit...

you see, i was raised during the free to be you and me era...which, in addition to giving me a lifetime of catchy egalitarian kid power songs stuck in my head, sure does come in handy...it's good to know that no matter who i am or what i do, or don't do, that i am special!...that i don't have to *win* to be a *winner*!...hell, i don't even have to finish the damn race!...come to think of it i don't have to even enter the race!!!...i can sit on my ass at home drinking shasta cola watching brady bunch re-runs and i will be just as good as the guy who did win the race...because that's "just who i am", and that is enough...

and with that kind of encouragement i grew up thinking that i could be anything!!! i wanted...even if i strived to be a housework hating, dolls for boys pushing, extreme makeover qualifying ugly woman/man (my choice, of course) married to a dwarf that most certainly WOULD NOT DRESS MY CAT IN AN APRON!!!...and it wouldn't no, SHOULDN'T matter if i was ugly and my partner was short...because apparently we shouldn't care about our looks or our size, shouldn't want to change a thing, and in fact should be ecstatically happy about it!!!...

though if i had a cat who liked to bake i think i'd be totally excited about the possibilities and would want to treat him or her to a fantastic new apron for their efforts...a totally non-gendered, functional, you are free to be who you are and this is in no way trying to box you in or put you in some sort of submissive position in which you must bake at my bidding kinda apron...no siree...or ma'am...or ???...sometimes it's hard to tell with cats...

but, i digress...

ahh, those were the days, indeed...of course reagan had to come along with his "contract for america" and that damned president's fitness challenge and muck it all up, but that's another story...(personally i knew then that arnold was going to be a problem)...

in truth, despite the overtly politically correct (if you were a liberal) soundtrack of my generation, i do want to make it to 50,000 words...i want to finish what i have started and to finish well...i have set a goal for myself and i would like to have a satisfying return on that investment...

BUT, if that doesn't all pan out the way i hope, then at least i can be secure in the knowledge that it's all right to cry...

and more importantly that no matter what happens, i will always be a winner in marlo thomas' eyes...

score!

x.

me and ashcroft both need a little break...

sure, it seems his job was a bit more demanding than mine, but it's all relative, right?...

so i'm off for the next coupla days...

wingman has the sniffly sniffles and is need of more than the usual amount of mama attention and my NaNoWriMo word count needs jumper cables and an iv...it could use a transplant of plot as mine has seemed to atrophy, but that's another problem for another day...

oh, and history stalled somewhere around the byzantine empire last week and we have to get back on track as the gupta empire of medieval india is feeling a bit left out...so we've got more history than usual to complete this week...

next week we start studying the rise of islam and learn about muhammad...well now that's timely wouldn't you say?...maybe i oughta ask old george w. if he'd like to sit in on this one...

be good while i'm gone and if you've got an extra oh say 1,500 words or so lying around could you send them to me?...

thanks...

x.

of pencil boxes and hobbit journals...

we do so much here at the big red house...we learn and live and eat and fight and dream and wreck and repair and mess up and clean...we are each other's best friends and worst enemies...we are in love one moment and at odds the next...we are on a daily basis filling our minds and filling time...we are not exciting and yet the possibilities are endless...

we are a family...

i am a very mortal mama...i rage i laugh i cry i hug i learn i apologize i screw up i shine...

my kids are dream children...they too are mortal...they are the most wonderful annoying god forsaken gifts from the highest on high you could ever want...

but the end of the day, i am so there...thank you bedtime, thank you lights out...

tonight we played a game...due to a set of circumstances beyond our control, it was bedtime when we started...it was touch and go here and there but we had a lot of fun and everybody managed to make it to the end...

wingman won, of course...he always wins...even if he doesn't know the game and you "move" for him...he wins...he's off feeding peanuts to the cat, comes back for his turn, could care less, and wins...you ever want a partner for vegas, take this kid...the duke may have the strategy but damn does that little one have the luck!...

so wingman wins it's the end of the evening and time for teeth brushing and pajama wrestling...and of course, the duke is doing something dumb, dramatic, and duke-like and totally hurts himself...he cries, i hold, long story short he tries to get out of the whole nighttime bathroom ritual (teeth, toilet) due to the "incredible pain" he is suffering...

yeah, no such luck, dude... i have crappy teeth and i vow to help him to not...he doesn't KNOW suffering until he has to deal with teeth subject to genetics and a lifetime of benign neglect...and NOBODY likes a peed in bed at three a.m. due to not using the toilet beforehand...

he's crying, wingman is up too late and beside himself and near tears, and the cat is batting the playing pieces under the furniture which means i'll be on hands and knees to retrieve the suckers...if calgon includes a shot of morphine i'm there...take me away...no really, you need a vein?...

lucky me, the lord of the ring, savior of all things bedtime, is handling the meltdown...

meanwhile, i am handling the delicate psyche of the child...two to be exact...in my own way...

sure, being up too late is the cause, even if it is for family fun...but damn the end of the day no matter the time can be delicate for any of us...especially the little and the sleepy...

upstairs i am mama getting the lamps turned on and beds turned down...and under each pillow a little something...very little, but something...

a few years ago i left a little random gift under the duke's pillow...and every once in awhile since then i will repeat the gesture...he knows it's from me and however small it makes him smile...we are literally talking maybe three or four times...but boy does he talk about it...

"remember that time you left (insert whatever it was here) under my pillow?" it gets brought up more than you know...

it had been some time since the last under the pillow surprise and judging from the tears in the bathroom the time had come again...

i had seen a pencil box with a rain forest theme at the store marked down to 99 cents the week before...i had no idea what possessed me to buy it but i remember thinking at the time "this will come in handy"...it has two pencils, a sharpener, a ruler, and an eraser with all kinds of rain forest animals printed all over...in a handy box...

about a year ago i found a blank journal called "a hobbit's journal" at a library book sale for 10 cents...i bought it simply because the duke and the lord of the ring were reading the hobbit at the time...i had no idea what i would do with it...the duke was much too new at penmanship and creative writing for it to be of any use to him, but i thought at the time "the duke will love this, someday"...

well, that "someday" had come and i knew exactly what to do with each...

the pencil box went under the pillow of a little boy new to school who envied his brother's pencil box...and without one of his own was forced to store his one prized football pencil inside his brother's box...and who despite having won the game that night was still having a difficult time getting to bed without tears due to the overwhelmingness of the lateness of the hour...that went under a pillow with bugs and butterflies on it...

the hobbit's journal went under the pillow of a boy, still little, though you wouldn't know it due to the nature of his perceived "bigness", largely due to the existence of his little brother...and as a result of that had to also deal with this perceived "bigness" in the form of his mother's idea that because of his age and birth order he should be able to be more responsible and less "instigating"...and that for now, he cannot possibly understand that she is still making her way as a mama...and that mama has a hard time remembering that he is still a little guy, regardless of when he was born...a boy in that position could certainly use a place to store thoughts that were his and his alone...thoughts that could be freely written...written not as a school exercise, but as an exercise of his own doing...thoughts that were not checked for grammar and not subject to whether or not they were a proper "example" for his little brother...that journal went under a pillow that had charlie brown and lucy and peppermint patty and snoopy and woodstock...

the pillows were turned over and the surprises found...smiles and chattiness abounded...along with an embarrassed and terribly pleased smile from wingman, and a very sincere thank you from the duke...

the trials of the day were forgotten...in their place were smiles and happiness...

it wasn't much, but if i've learned anything i've learned it's the small stuff that we remember most...

i am not a perfect parent...not even remotely close...damn, some days i feel like they'd keep me out if i didn't show actual documented paper proof that i belonged...

and yeah, i recognize that a bad day can't always be bought off with cheap gifts and the slim hope that such will make it all better...

but sometimes, well, sometimes they can...

because it's the thought that counts...really...and more often than not, that's all we have to go on...

x.

a day late, and one blog and 1,500 words short...

my headache is gone...and so is thursday...

which means i have missed a blog and 1,500 words towards my 50,000 word goal...

but, i rejoice in the fact that today is indeed a new day, and is also friday...which doesn't have quite the same impact as it did when i was younger, but gives me a certain thrill nonetheless...

i am now off to put words on a page in what i hope turns out to be a clever, insightful, and prolific manner...

happy friday!

x.

not tonight honey, i have a headache...

i've had this godforsaken headache since saturday...

it got pretty bad last night and in my desperation i had the oh so brilliant idea of taking my advil with a glass of wine...that actually did the trick for a bit so i decided to keep the party rollin' and had more wine...

i'm sure y'all can see where this is going...too bad i didn't...

yes folks, as a reward for my genius plan i woke up this morning with my headache firmly intact, a pounding hangover, and four more years of george w. bush...

sigh double sigh...

as it stands this evening,

*the headache remains and is apparently pissed at my efforts to eradicate it and as a result is renewed in its vigor

*the hangover is history after a greasy breakfast and large doses of caffeine

*the political song remains the same in america which means, among countless other horrible things, we'll likely be at war with iran within the year and be subject to four more years of those beastly bush daughters

sigh GREAT.BIG.DOUBLE. sigh...

boy if i didn't have those few years in the early nineties to explain i might just think about running for president one day...apparently anyone can get elected these days...

but, alas, i guess the best i can do is raise my boys right and hope for the best...teach them to look to history before they leap, and that might isn't always right...that true strength and power comes from the soul, not the fist...and that respect is earned, not forced...

for now, i'm off to bed to pull the covers over my head and dream of brighter futures and headache free mornings...

x.

november 2, 2004

i certainly do hope y'all voted...you did?...right?

good...i thought so...

(insert appropriate guilt for not doing so here)

x.

1919 down, 48,081 to go!

so i started my novel adventure today...

made it to 1, 919 words and found a good stopping place...and how exactly does a writer determine a good stopping place?...well, it's different for every writer but for me it comes down to mathematics...

2 boybarians + 12 rolls of paper towels = good stopping place

oh, and here's the link to check my progress should one be compelled to do so...

www.nanowrimo.org/userinfo.php?uid=57690

halloween was good...boys were cute...loot was plentiful...cracked out on sugar attitudes abound...

x.

my son is bea arthur...

so every week the duke gets to choose a dessert for us to make together...he pages through our cookbooks for recipes and ideas and then chooses something...

and boy does he...the boy cannot choose a *normal* dessert!...no cookies, no brownies, well, once a cake but that's it...no, he chooses the fussiest desserts out there!...

one week it was candied nuts...candied nuts...what is he, 80?...another week it was lemon chiffon pie, another week it was chocolate truffles with a cocoa powder dusting...this week it's fruit mousse with gelatin...

it's true...he is an eighty year old woman trapped in a seven year old boys body...

and, he wants to use peaches...which i'm sure are no less than fifty dollars a pound...and the recipe calls for cassis...cassis!...too bad the eighty year old woman trapped in his body didn't think to bring her pension along for expenses...

i'ma bet i'll be *sampling* that cassis before the morning is out...

today is also the official get all halloween costumes finished day...i am finishing the duke's "gryffindor quidditch player" cloak (from harry potter for those of you who are reading this from under a rock) and putting ears, spots, and a tail on wingman's "blue" costume (from blue's clues)...

it could be worse...next year they want to go as wallace and gromit...or, the duke wants to be a town crier with a bell...

"and i'll ring it and ring it and ring it and shout that important people are coming and everyone should get out of the way"

that oughta be really really annoying...and what exactly does a town crier wear?...i liked it better when he wanted to be an ancient desert nomad last year...sure, he wanted to wear a loin cloth but at least i know what they look like!...

and then he said maybe he'd like to be a ghost next year...yeah, sure, they always tease you with that one...i'd like to see the kid who actually follows through with that!...how easy...i got a sheet...i got some scissors, it's go time kid...none of this weeks long costume making deal...snip snip...yeah, i'd like to see that...but i doubt i will...

i will also be attempting to enjoy my last few days of freedom before november 1st...too bad my novel ideas aren't political in nature, i'd sure have no problem coming up with material then...as it is, i have terrible terrible awful horrible sappy smarmy ideas for this novel crowding my head...i can't wait!...

so have a great halloween weekend...and be sure to watch out for ghouls, goblins, and crap peddling politicians...

x.

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's, uh, NaNoWriMo???

november is national novel writing month...november 1 to midnight november 30...

the challenge of NaNoWriMo is to write a novel in thirty days...how novel...

50,000 words...that's roughly 1,500 words a day...

how novel, indeed...and i am just crazy enough to be very excited about this so i joined...

(insert primal scream here)

anyhow, you register with the organization and get a profile and keep a daily word count and the like...

when i get up and running i'll give you the link...you can check my progress...

but i imagine the less you see me here, the more words i will amass towards my end goal...i will be looking to cannibalize words wherever i can find them...

i know what you're thinking...you're thinking if she can't even check in here and throw us a few words on crazy days how is she gonna be able to write enough to get to 50,000 words in thirty days?...well, you know, i don't know how either!...isn't that funny!...HA!

seriously, i will have to be stealthy about this...or just insane...really, it's just a matter of less sleep, more coffee...sounds simple yet horrifying...the best plans always are...

damn, i sure picked the wrong time to get over my insomnia!

and don't y'all worry...when i write as an actual grownup i do employ the use of capital letters...i rejoice in punctuation!...i banish ellipses to the "well don't you think yourself clever" box at the back of my closet that also holds the red heels i wore for my midwifery school graduation and a book of unfortunate poetry i thankfully have not ever unleashed on the general public...

wish me luck and pass the cream...

x.

something is rotten in the state of denmark...

school has been a bit challenging of late...well, not school so much as school mixed with wingman...

do you know what it is like to try and describe how to find multiple equivalent fractions while a three foot tall person circles the table in a bicycle helmet humming the theme to wallace and gromit at the top of his voice?

you don't?...well, let me tell you, it's crazy making...virtually guarantees a room at psycho-lodge...

oh, and trying to explain the intricacies of hamlet while the same three foot tall person shouts every five minutes I HAT TO DOUGH POOP!!! I HAT TO DOUGH POOP!!! TUM WIT ME MAMA!!!...then you all rush to the bathroom and as you are lifting him up on the toilet you are finishing your explanation to the duke of the role rosencrantz and guildenstern play and all while the three foot wonder sits on the toilet and says over and over

loot (look), i'm hatsing (hatching)...i ah buhrd (bird)

you don't?...well, let me tell you, it could get you a suite at the psycho-lodge...

i do enjoy homeschooling...it is rewarding and exciting and dare i say, some days it's even fun...but on the days when wingman has done his own school work, used up his allotted t.v. time, and scarfed down his share of snacks, it isn't fun...

it's a race to see who loses it first...the impatient for us to finish wingman, or me who is desperately trying to tie up the last part of the last lesson of the day and convey a completed thought/sentence/idea to the duke...

can you guess who takes a ride on the wacky one sandwich shy of a picnic train?...

anyway, i need to get a handle on it...until then, i fear my posts will be short and on some days non-existent...because by the end of school it's the end of me...and this post i've had floating about in my head about the impermanence of existence and the mixed emotions it brings seems ridiculous when i am just wishing this day would get over already!...

which is just rotten as getting what's inside my head out is a sure fire way to keep me out of the psycho-lodge...or at least level the playing field...

in other news, the duke did really really well at the chess tournament on sunday...he won three out of five, and he and and whatever opponent he was facing were nearly the last to finish each time...which suggested he is a challenging player and really makes his opponent work for the win...

and, win or lose, he ended each round smiling and nonchalant really about the whole thing...he was just happy to be there around so many other boys, both his age and older...just happy to have a day of chess playing...

maybe he'll teach me to play then we'll have something to do when he comes to visit me in the home...

x.

cat pee, kid poop, and republicans...

it must be monday...

and just to let you know how my monday panned out, within a sixty second time period the three following things occurred...

*i discovered the cat had peed on our bed (at once meaning swift cleaning action of several layers of bedding, a night or more away from our bed, and resisting the urge to yell horrible things at the elderly cat)

*wingman started yelling from the bathtub that he HAT TO DOUGH (GO) POOP WITE NOW!!! TUM DET ME I HAT TO DOUGH POOOOOOP!!!! MAMA MAMA MAMA!!!!

*the republican party called for a pre-election chat (i only answered thinking it was the lord of the ring and only got rid of them by hanging up)

x.

oh, and incidentally he never did poop...we are still waiting...

a fraction of my day...(because i cannot even get started on my TOOTH!)

so the math books came...

they are too easy...

sigh double sigh...

i am going to send them back and it looks like jump two levels up...but, this we will start in january as we only have a few weeks left of this year (we take december off to study different winter holidays/cultures around the world, and to focus on spirit, both personal and otherwise)...

so this means it is STILL up to me to teach him fractions...actually this week we learned how to add and subtract fractions that had common denominators...and how to add two unequal fractions together to make a whole number...

well you will be happy to know or just may not care BUT (insert proud grin here) today out of sheer desperation (and to distract myself from an aching throbbing tooth) i taught myself how to add fractions with different denominators!...how to find the lcd (least common denominator) and everything!...it was a breakthrough moment...i never not once got this in school...didn't have a clue...i may have even blacked out a few times trying...but now, now after a few days of practice this weekend the gloves are off and we are mastering fractions starting next week...

so apparently i can do math...well, who knew?...

oh, the duke has a chess tournament this weekend...his first!...he is terribly excited and can't wait...wish him luck!

x.

hey baby i hear the blues a callin', tossed salad and scrambled eggs...

today the duke was filling in descriptions on a rock chart for the rock collection he has amassed in honor of last week's earth science week hoopla...

i noticed that with one rock (rock # 2 to be exact) he had written the following in the box that asks him to approximate/describe the size of the rock...

about the size of a wine grape

ahh, my little frasier crane...

x.

vanakkam, namala!*

i have to make this quick as this day is passing me by faster than my youthful beauty...

y'all be relieved to know that i ordered the duke's math textbook and workbook today...

apparently the same one they use in singapore...

go figure...

and yes, i ordered a teacher's manual too...

oh, and did you know that the official language of singapore is malay, but in fact english is predominant?...actually, they speak malay, english, chinese, and tamil...but most of the country and especially the administration is english speaking...

it's a good thing too, i have a hard enough time with math without having to try to figure out how to teach it in tamil...

x.

*hello in tamil

the chump has been stumped...

it's fractions...fractions did me in...

i didn't understand them all those years ago, and i don't now...

and now i have to call in the calvary and get a formal math program for the duke...i have studied it for about a week now, i can't get it...i don't understand...

sigh...

and i know how to bake and cook and double recipes and mix drinks...so i get the basic idea, it's just beyond that...AAACK! i gotta stop thinking about it!...

it's raining today, so no more jackass stunts outside...although rest time is nearly over and once well rested who knows what the boybarians will come up with inside...

the duke has taken to listening to the radio in his room for about an hour each day...i snuck up and saw him laying on his bed reading and boppin' his little feet along to the music...it's a great station, too...kexp out of seattle...they're on the web, too...really eclectic and very groovy...

i'm making chicken chili verde for dinner and trying to finish a book i started so long ago i might have to re-read the entire thing over...i can't read lately...there's something up in my head...it's like i sit down with the book and my mind starts racing...which is not unlike how insomnia feels...and which is odd in that i can't remember the last time i awoke in the night...it's been awhile now...

so it makes me wonder, did my nighttime insomnia go away only to re-appear during the day when i try to read?...and it sucks, by the way...this not being able to read...i don't know which is worse...not being able to sleep, or not being able to read...

now that i don't have to figure out fractions all on my own, i just may have the mental capacity to ponder that one...hopefully i won't have to, and it will just go away...

but dinner won't...so off i go to strip my freshly baked chicken of its meat and blanch some tomatillos...

enjoy your day...and just so you know how really wacky it can get around here, earlier i witnessed the following exchange between the duke and wingman...wingman was chasing after the duke shouting

"top! (stop)...you ah unnah (under) awest, cidadin! (citizen)"

to which the duke replied

"you can't arrest me you miscreant!"

x.

jackass; the early years...

okay, so i've never seen the show jackass...or the movie...

well now i don't have to...it's being shown in my front yard...

so i look out this morning and there is wingman standing on top of a little toddler scoot bike that's inside of a wagon (rolling back and forth inside it i might add!) that is attached to the duke's bicycle and the duke is taking off pulling the wagon down the driveway!

of course i run out and shout for them to stop in my best screamy mom voice that could raise the dead (and boy i've had plenty of chance to work on that one lately)...they both look at me like what's up with that?...

i tried to explain the gravity and stupidity of the situation but i really got the impression that they didn't care...because they got off and then came up with another plan...this one apparently involved putting the toddler scoot bike on top of this big rock in the yard...

and then riding it off!...

needless to say, i am a killjoy...they didn't get any farther than the "hey, i have a good idea" stage...and thus they are protected from themselves for at least one more day...

oh, and wingman was wearing his helmet...but i know it didn't have a thing to do with safety, he simply didn't take it off after riding his big kid bike earlier...

oh my god...i can see it all now...this must be how johnny knoxville got his start...god, what his mother must have gone through...

now there's a woman i'd like to meet...i'd definitely have a few burning questions for her...like how do i keep my boybarians from killing themselves and me from having a heart attack daily?...and if there's nothing i can do about it, how do i exploit it for wads of cash!...

in the meantime i will take my meager on the job training and try to apply it the best i can...try not to "overreact", (i call it "parenting", but as the boybarians get older i have a feeling this is what they will refer to it as) to understand the pull of homemade stunt vehicles and the call to dangerous, jackass moves...

if that fails, i may have to just stock up on bandaids and vodka and hope for the best...

x.

only eight more hours to go until bedtime...

i am incredibly spent and toasted after this week so i'll make this brief and leave you with what wingman said to the lord of the ring at 6:15 this morning as we were dropping him off at the bus stop

"see ya waiter tow (cow)-boy!"

have a good weekend...

x.

snap crackle pop!

another busy day, but i wanted to let you know about this cool thing we did...

for earth science today we made an edible earth to illustrate/represent the four layers...

the crust, the mantle, the outer core, and the inner core...

so basically we made a huge rice crispie treat ball (about the size of a big softball) to represent the mantle...which is rock solid, but still flowing at a very very slow rate each year...

a marshmallow inside the rice crispie ball to represent the outer core, and inside the marshmallow, a red spice drop to represent the inner core...which is quite hot so we used a cinnamon flavored one...

then we covered the whole shebang in "magic shell" chocolate (that stuff you squirt over ice cream and it hardens right away) to represent the earth's crust...which is 22 miles thick, but actually very thin in comparison to the rest of the layers...it's also the part of the earth we call home...

the duke suggested putting it all in the freezer so the chocolate shell would crack and make an earthquake...maybe next time...

then we sliced it in half and checked out the layers...it was very cool!...it really represented all four layers quite well...especially the disparity in thickness of each...and then the earth got gobbled up...well, except for the inner core...apparently it really is too "hot" (spicy) to eat!...

definitely a cool lesson...

and as for yesterday's project, the duke's cake was absolutely superb!...a perfect chocolate cake...he was very proud...

so there you have it...we are just piling up the knowledge here at the big red house...one pound at a time...

x.

hi! bye!

i have no time for a chat today...

but i stopped in to say the duke is making a cake all by himself! (well, i greased the pans)

i'll let you know how it turns out...

oh, and i'll enjoy some of this incredibly beautiful fall day for y'all...it's just gorgeous outside...

x.

hey buddy, can you spare some spirulina?

this week is busy already and it's only tuesday...shit, what happened to monday!!!

it's national earth science week, so we've got extra activities and lessons planned around that...we made a volcano last week...this week we are exploring earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc...so far we've learned that we are definitely NOT moving to southern mexico or the coast of alaska...

the duke thinks the midwest is the safest place to be according to our map of natural disasters, but we don't get to tornadoes until thursday...i'm thinking he may change his mind...

in history last week we followed augustine to ancient britain wherein he "graciously" brought christianity to the anglo-saxons and celts...so, i'm spending this week introducing the duke to druidism to round out the traditional historical perspective...

it's amazing how little of the actual facts we get when dealing with traditional historical perspective...and how willing we as a culture are to accept it as truth and go from there...it nearly makes me gleeful to counter that on a daily basis...

and no, we don't celebrate columbus day...

then there is the doctor...i am finally taking the boybarians to the doctor...they've never been, but then again, they've never really been sick...

but we homeschool and don't vaccinate in the midst of a very military and very conservative population, and the last thing i need is to be accused of being some sort of freakazoid...(which anyone who knows me well knows i am, but we don't have to tell anyone around here that)

and since we don't have insurance, the doctor don't come cheap...but she's great, right around the corner on a farm, and is a naturopathic pediatrician...which means beyond the normal doctor stuff, she asks me about my kids...who they are, what they eat, how they dream...she genuinely cares what i think about what my kids need, and said "i always encourage parents above all to trust their intuition as it's the best first step in good health care"...we spent an hour and a half with her today, and will again tomorrow (initial appointments)...

diagnosis?...apparently my kids are the picture of absolute health...(insert big mama grin here) she didn't have one recommendation except they need more spirulina or equivalent thereof in their diets...

um, i think i can live with that...

she said that the lord of the ring and i have done an "exemplary job" with their nutrition, water intake, sleeping habits, and general health...and that she doesn't often see such healthy kids...

which is good, because when the bill comes i may have to trade one of them for payment...

x.

karma karma karma karma karma chameleOUCH!

today i was on the phone with jeanbean railing about the cost of health care...that catastrophic was really the best option financially if you never ever go to the doctor, even though you are still paying so much for so little...

like no medical care unless you are bleeding to death...and then you hope you do because the deductible is so freakin' high!

then i went on and on and on that i am never sick and don't ever need a doctor and therefore don't need to be paying hundreds of dollars a month to keep me well...

and as i'm getting right into the thick of my rant I FALL OFF THE STAIRS!!!!

i slipped off the bottom two steps right onto my ass and twisted my wrist...

hello karma, nice of you to drop by...can you help me up?

and no, i won't be going to the doctor...as falling on your ass is not *catastrophic*...

i plan on dr. jack daniels and his trusty assistant nurse advil to patch me up...(and yes bag lady in paris, i took some arnica too!)

ouch...

x.

and apparently he doesn't nap anymore either...

sigh...

with all the changes wingman is going through, he's decided he no longer needs a nap...so my hour and a half of boybarian free time each day (read: this is the time i generally write) is gone!

sure, sure, they are technically supposed to spend the time reading or looking at books, but wingman calls to me or sings at the top of his lungs the whole time...or, he complains of dire hunger...which continues to suggest he thinks i was born yesterday because anyone who's ever seen that kid knows he won't be wasting away anytime soon...

so, now i will have to be crafty about how i get my time in to blog...because the moment i sit down at the computer is not unlike the moment i get on the phone...all of a sudden everyone needs me and the volume gets dialed way way up...

i need a plan to be able to get my blog done...a daily diversionary tactic...well another one...because let me tell you to get through the day getting everything i need to get done is basically me setting up diversionary tactic after diversionary tactic...i shoulda been a spy...or driven around with the gang in the mystery machine...

so i need a plan...yes a plan...or a big roll of duct tape...

x.

HEY HEY HEY! i can't be the only one totally thrilled they are making a fat albert movie!...the fat albert gang comes from their time to our time...i'm sure it will be as dorky as hell but no matter...i'm there... :)

oh, and in case y'all were wondering how i have the chance to write right now i just want to say one word; toast...the duke has become the toastmaster in our house and as long as i can keep them all cracked out on toast in the morning i'm good for about twelve minutes...which is usually when i have my one and only solitary bathroom visit...but i am taking one for the team this morning and using that time to sneak in here...

so he really won't be going to the prom in diapers!

wingman is officially out of diapers!...

(well, we haven't tackled nighttime yet)

i am proud of him and very pleased that my last poopy diaper is behind me...it all happened very quickly yesterday (you have to poop and need a diaper?...oh darn, we're out of diapers (lie)...you can either wait until papa gets home or sit on the potty now) and had i known the last poopy diaper was indeed the last one would i have been a bit sad about it?...HELL NO!

i am now entering a new era of motherhood known as "no longer needs a diaper bag EVER AGAIN"...and the prospect of no longer having to transport and deal with poopy diapers is quite appealing i must say...

(are you tired of me using the phrase "poopy diapers" yet?)

only now i am certain timing and bathroom availability will be essential in my forays out of the house to prevent any eruptions...

and speaking of eruptions, today i will cut it short as we are constructing a volcano outside as part of the excitement surrounding the doins' up at mount st. helens...only the duke has decided that he wants it to be a prehistoric volcano...he's gathering all the plastic dinosaurs and apparently i am on "tree" duty...

i have no idea what wingman's job is but he's got the glue and a cup full of markers and he's headed into the living room...not a good sign!...gotta go!

x.