Tuesday, February 28, 2006

mark clark here, how are you this morning?

well we made it through security with only one of us being searched...

although this time i can understand as the duke is obviously suspicious at best...the big old screener had a heck of a time trying to stuff pooh bear back in the way he came out...

oooh, scary stuff...

turns out it was the travel chess set the bag lady in paris gave him for christmas that caused the hullabaloo...

even with the lord of the ring helping we were both winded and drenched in sweat after getting us all through...

poor lamb he had no idea what hit him...traveling solo is just. not. the. same.

anyhow one of the perks of having a traveling husband is we are automatically in first class (lord but i bet they'll be happy to see us go!) and can await our flight (which is already late) in relative and complimentary comfort behind one of those weird non-descript doors you see in the airport...

i always wondered what went on in there...it's not as exciting as one might imagine...it's basically a bunch of middle aged men who travel for business drinking coffee, reading the paper, and watching the news...

really, you wouldn't think this many men would be gathered in one place, yet each one hanging out by himself, without boobs or poles or hot wings involved...

so far we've enjoyed bagels and coffee, endured wingman's need to ramp his voice up 1000 notches just because everyone else is being quiet, and had a minor skirmish over the fact that one got the last lime yogurt and the other didn't...and all for FREE!

good times...

i hear they have a free bar here too, but so far i see no evidence of it...rats...

the real treat is there is a guy sitting behind me who is obviously a new real estate agent and still wet behind the fake enthusiasm...and he obviously hasn't learned how to use his indoor voice...

the best part?...his name is mark clark...

ah it gets me every call he makes...

x.

Monday, February 27, 2006

why people drink too much on vacation...

really, it must be to make up for the preparation...

oh. my. god.

x.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

the gift that says he'd marry you all over again...

(something happened to my blog and i had to futz with it and as a result the beginning of this post was eaten...this is the gist of it)

since i was in high school i have LOVED land cruisers...but not any old land cruiser...specifically the late eighties/way early 90's land cruisers before they changed the body style...a mistake in my opinion, but nobody asked me...anyhow, the boxy square ones...I LOVE THEM!

whenever i'd see them driving by, parked whatever i'd just get that little bit of electricity...a little jolt going through my body that said i. love. that. truck.

i can totally understand america's love affair with the automobile...because once you fall, there's no getting up...except i've largely been a one truck girl...sure, there have been other cars i've given more than a passing glance to...but none could compare to the land cruiser...

since we've been needing a car for oh i don't know like forever, we've been on and off considering this and that...what we could afford, what might suit us best...

then one day the lord of the ring calls me up at the grocery store where i'm about to more than adequately prove to the boybarians just why it is that the lord of the ring is the more popular parent when i answer the phone and hear him say

"i bought you car"

"oh. OH"

"a 1990 fj62 land cruiser with a recent chevy v8 conversion...it's white...it's totally sweet!"

"oh my god, really?!"

"yeah"

"oh my god!...when. how. where is it?"

"um, well it's in michigan"

we leave monday.

so there you have it...

so far my big joke is it doesn't need a winch because there's already one driving it.

buh dump bump...

i know...they're spelled differently...it's early yet...

anyhow, really it's the most romantic gesture i could think of...a 16 year old vehicle in the middle of nowhere that costs less than most wedding rings...what more could a girl ask for!...i LOVE it!...not that i am surprised, but i LOVE that my husband knows me so well...he knows my heart and my soul and it has nothing to do with big red bows on a brand new car...

some say it with diamonds, some say it with 4000 pounds of cold, hard steel...

now i'm just hoping for our anniversary he'll get me the full size ARB roof rack...

a girl can dream...

i'll post from the road and let you know how it's going, in the meantime i've got a trip to plan!

enjoy your weekend...

x.

Friday, February 24, 2006

testing, again...

bah...

trying to figure out where my blog went...

Thursday, February 16, 2006

merrily we roll along, roll along, roll along...merrily we roll along riiiight to the nuthouse!

to the tune of mary had a little lamb...

you can see where i'm going with this...

the song the boys are to memorize as opposed to sight read is merrily we roll along...

can i tell you?

two kids...two practices a day of merrily we roll along...over and over and over...and then whenever they feel like it...

the piano is a lovely addition to our home, though...it's as though it's always been here...i love it when a plan comes together...

man i miss the a-team...and magnum p.i....i really loved that show...oh, and miami vice...80's t.v. rawked!

must be all the advil...

anyhow, beyond that there isn't too much to report...the duke still feels cruddy, wingman's at school, it's freezing outside, the piano mover was hot...oh wait, did i just say that out loud?...

my neck feels better...

i now have the kid cold that's been going around...

merrily we roll along...

x.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

waa waa waa...

i am usually not given to posting while whiny, but i re-injured my neck and broke my favorite white serving platter all before 8 am...

if there is much to say beyond that that isn't profanity ridden i just don't know what it would be...

BUT the good news is that the piano i coming today!...i am very excited and so are the boys...i do hope it's not so terribly out of tune that it's unplayable, because after all is said and done having it properly tuned is out of the budget for now...

the duke is on the mend enough that we are back at school and have started our new latin program...it, so far, looks like it has the capacity to kick his butt...which means it's right up his alley and i think it will serve him well...

for now i'm on ice and advil and it seems to being doing part of the trick...once again i have to drive with an injured neck because it's piano lesson day...ugh...

one day i'll learn...

x.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

happy valentime's day...

well i knew i was doomed when wingman came home from school talking about glitter and glue and paper hearts...

no creepy boxed valentines for us...damn...

so i had to load up the feverish and understandably upset duke and head to the craft store...it's totally unfair, but i had no choice...can i say it just sucks that i had no choice?

anyhow you'd think that i would have remembered that wednesday is wingman's snack day and combined the trip so i wouldn't have to make another trip today...with the sick duke in tow...but no...i didn't...poor duke...

and what did wingman choose at the craft store?...orange cardstock for the hearts, glitter glue in the shades of tangerine and royal blue, fuzzy dog stickers, sports stickers, and pastel flower stickers...

not a stitch of red or pink in the whole lot...

then he proceeded to construct 17, countem' SEVENTEEN!! hand. made. hand. addressed. valentines...

dude.

i never thought i'd see the day when danny and the dinosaur seemed like a short read...

he had a very good time and i just sat back and let him at it...

now with the duke i was way more *involved*...and by *involved* i mean i was like the don king of valentines...i totally spearheaded the whole event and definitely *helped* to ensure that they were valentiney and above all, presentable...

as a first time mother that's just what you do, i guess...there's so much ego involved, so much wrapped up in what your child presents to the world...i think we come by it naturally, however it manifests...we are shepherding our children through the world, sometimes detouring through our own past into what we hope is a glowing future...

we want our children to learn the ins and outs of acknowledging and more importantly following the social contract...

which means valentines are red and pink and you don't get to use brown pen...

not so much with wingman...i let him do it all and OF COURSE valentines aren't red and pink and OF COURSE it was infinitely more enjoyable for both of us...

and OF COURSE he addressed each and every one of them in brown pen...

judging from the adults i know, the children i know, the parents of the adults i know and the parents of the children i know, i'd say children (adult or otherwise) are about 10% (if that) what we *want*/*raise* them to be and 90% just who they are...

and the sooner we can accept this as fact, the sooner we can tear down the walls of expectation and let every one catch their breath and get their bearings and move forward at their own pace...carving a path for travelling together...no one feeling pushed, no one pulling, no one getting lost or ditching the group because that's the only way they'll ever get a chance to decide what step they should take...

letting everyone, including ourselves, be exactly who they are without expectations and contingencies from other people...

i am beginning to believe one can follow the social contract without having to sign it in blood...

orange and blue and brown valentines are my small step in that direction as a parent...

as a person?...i'm still figuring that out...those small steps are a lot harder to recognize and even harder to take when it's your own self you're fighting for...

i'll keep you posted...

x.

Monday, February 13, 2006

i heart my hundred dollar piano...

i found the boys a piano!...it's nothing fancy, dinged more than a bit here and there, but it's an upright and has a nice sound despite not having been played or tuned in quite some time...

it should be delivered some time this week!...now let's see how much they love the piano when they have to practice each day...my money is still on them...we'll see...

valentine's day is tomorrow which really on a scale of one to whatever is a what. ever...i've got my own valentine's history that i'm sure ought to be whipped up into some sort of pathetic and maudlin short story...

and even now in a happily married relationship i have to say valentine's day still fails to get my heart to racin'...though i am not alone in my apathy...

case in point, the following conversation took place this weekend before the lord of the ring ditched us once again for sunnier climes...

"i didn't do a thing for you this year"

"for what?"

"for valentine's day"

"oh, well at least you aren't breaking with tradition"

"yeah, i'm a bad husband about that, but at least i'm consistent"

"you're not a bad husband...you know i am too cheap to appreciate you spending a wad of money having flowers delivered, my days of eating pounds of chocolates were over about 30 pounds ago, and i don't know that i even like wearing jewelry...what else is there?...plus you're not even going to be here which i think technically leaves you off the hook...i'm not sure, but that might be the rule"

"you're the perfect girl for me"

that's me...at least in this respect i'm as low maintenance as a new formica counter...but don't worry, i put him through the ringer in other areas...it all balances out...

BUT it cannot be totally ignored this year because wingman is in need of 17 valentine's for his class tomorrow...

oops...

the deal is that valentines around here, if they happen at all, are a homemade affair...i've never liked the prepackaged ones, even when i was a kid...frankly, they creeped me out...

i just think even though it's a commercial holiday and one i don't particularly celebrate, it is ostensibly about love...thoughtfulness...you know, all that crap...and doing nothing more than signing your name at the bottom of some creepy valentine and then passing them out, some not even addressed individually, somehow misses the mark...

so in the past when the duke needed the requisite batch of valentines i gathered all the pink and red and white paper and glue and glitter and we made them...

this year?...well i kinda spaced it and can i say i don't even have one piece of red construction paper?...

so now it comes down to the craft store vs. target the day before valentines day...because despite my issues with boxed valentines given the amount of time and work making valentines entails it could definitely go either way...i've compromised my irrationally set and precariously perched principles for less...

i'll keep you posted...

in other news the duke did very well at baseball tryouts yesterday...the lord of the ring said he was solidly in the middle of the pack...not a bad ranking for someone who's never played and only became obsessed three months ago...

and now he is sick with the fever and cough wingman had and is on the couch...school has been replaced by spongebob square pants and whatever else he can scare up on the television...

which i hope settles the myth that homeschooled kids still have to do school when they're sick...

they don't...

but their mothers still do...

le sigh...

x.

Friday, February 10, 2006

good lord it's sunny here...go figure...

it's set to be another beautiful day here in the pacific northwest...after months of rain and chill and gloom the sun is finally here...the sky is blue and there isn't a cloud in sight...

i am always amazed by how amazed i am that winter does end and spring will come...

baseball tryouts are this weekend and the duke is very excited...

the lord of the ring is finally getting new glasses after 12 years and i am excited...

wingman is excited by the ginourmous strawberry he is currently eating...

piano lessons continue to go well...i am so glad the boybarians enjoy them...their instructor continues to be amazed at how well they are doing considering we don't have a piano...

anybody got a spare piano lying about?

between my neck going out and wingman being under the weather it's been slow around here lately...but i find that that's the way it is as one season wears down and another gears up...

another season means new plans...projects around the house...considering the garden again...

good god, the garden...i have absolutely no natural talent or instinct for gardening...so for me gardening is like taking a math test every single time...

but i do sort of like mucking about in the dirt and i do love how a garden looks and there is already one here so i shall press on...

and projects around the house?...it should come as no surprise to anyone that i am much better at making a list than actually tackling the items on the list...

really, i should be living in a condo...sure it would be soul crushing and depress me terribly, but a condo i can handle...

a hundred year old house with old flower gardens and two and a half acres?...not so much...but this is my home whether it kills me or not...

right now those projects will wait while i pour another cup of coffee and watch some elaborate baseball card trading scheme between the boybarians involving someone named albert pujols...

the amount of knowledge of players and stats and the game of baseball in general the boybarians posses is scary...they just start going off, telling me facts and figures...and of course half the time i have no idea what the hell they are even talking about...okay, more than half...even wingman!...and that kid didn't even talk until two years ago!...

and how in the hell can they remember all of that when they can't ever ever EVER remember WE DON'T PLAY BALL IN THE HOUSE!!..

it's like when the lord of the ring starts spouting off some random sports stat from the seventies ...so i look at him and ask

"when's my birthday?"

so he looks at me and rolls his eyes like i'm just nuts and of course he knows my when my birthday is and with all the confidence in the world he replies

"june 20"

right.

HA!...boy would he be in trouble then...cancer/gemini cusp?...he wouldn't know what hit him...or he would just assume it was par for the course given his taste in women...

and now i must go because apparently wingman has gotten it into his head that it's a fine time for a fudgesicle and is trying to convince me of that fact...he will lose, of course...but in the meantime his exuberance is threatening to explode my head...

makes me long for the good old days when he chose not to talk...i should have appreciated them more rather than worrying that there was something wrong with him...there's something wrong with him all right but it doesn't have anything to do with talking...

and by the way, my birthday is july 20...

x.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

the thinks he's quick fox gets trumped by the lazy brown dog...and the lazy brown dog gets trumped by syd hoff...

judging from the most recent conversation in a long line of similar conversations the duke is either going to be a criminal, a lawyer, or a criminal lawyer...

first, a little background...the duke is allowed one hour on the computer and one half hour television show a day of his choice...wingman is allowed one half hour on the computer and one half hour television show a day of his choice...if the other boybarian is around he too may watch the show of his brother's choosing...

it's a system that works...mostly...

except wingman's been sick with a fever and cough and thus has been lying on the couch watching t.v. for the better part of the day for a few days...which means by default the duke is getting extra t.v. when he is not doing something else...

SO, yesterday he comes in the back while i'm hanging laundry to complete a task he told me he would do at that time because he was going to watch a show first...fine...

"is your show over already?"

"oh, it wasn't my show...it was wingman's"

"um, what do you mean it was 'wingman's'?"

"he picked it, not me"

"he's been on the couch all day with a fever watching whatever is on, he's not really in a position to 'pick'...not to mention it's your favorite show...you picked the show, so that's your show for the day"

"MAMA, i did NOT pick that show!!...it's not my show!!...wingman picked it and i just watched it!!...you aren't listening to me!!"

"i'm listening...but no matter how many times you say it, it doesn't make it true"

"i didn't pick it, wingman did"

"good lord!!...you not only picked it, you were the one who told wingman in the first place that it was on, you reminded it THREE HOURS AGO on the television, you came in from outside right at 3:30 expressly to watch it, AND you told me you would complete the task i gave you at 4:00 because you were going to watch a show until then!!...NOT TO MENTION IT'S YOUR FAVORITE SHOW!!"

silence....just as i thought...

i hate this kinda bullshit in the worst way...one of the worst jobs as a parent is engage in a conversation with a child who thinks you are stupid...or one who is so convinced he is right that he thinks you are just mean or crazy or both...or born yesterday...

moving right along, wingman read danny and the dinosaur to me last night!!...he's been working on it for awhile, and now he's seem to have gotten it...

all. 64. pages. of. it.

can i tell you?...really?

first of all, it's not a terribly interesting story...and being as it was published in 1958, it's just downright weird...

don't get me wrong, it's GREAT when a child starts to read in earnest...a milestone marked, pride felt by both parent and child...and then, then to be able to tackle a big book like danny and the dinosaur, well that's just amazing...and at five!!

BUT I WAS LYING THERE FOR 35 MINUTES!!...OH. MY. GOD.!!!...it's been building for a few nights because he's been reading most of it himself...but i would help out a lot or take over...but no, not last night...he had to read every. single. word.

of course i told him i was proud of him and he was obviously proud...but good lord, couldn't it be a shorter book?...pat the bunny?...maisy's colors?...the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog?...

okay, those are both dorky books and a typing exercise, but you get my point...

i just wanted to rip the book out of his hands and read it really fast...or when he struggled over a word it was all i could do to just shout it out...it's ASKED!! FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD IN THE WORLD!!...A. S. K. E. D.!!!...ASKED!!

of course it sounds mean and of course i didn't...

but i wanted to...

in his newly minted pride (he's just a peach!) he took it to school for show and tell today...

and if his teacher knows what's good for her, she will read it to the kids...

x.

Friday, February 03, 2006

guys, if you miss your mothers just give me a call...

so i'm on the phone with a male friend yesterday and we're chatting and all of a sudden i shout to the duke

"DO NOT THROW THAT BALL IN THIS HOUSE!"

"oh. my. god....you sound just like my mother!"

actually, i sounded just like rosanne barr...

"well they've both gotten soooo into sports lately and i can NOT keep them from tossing balls around inside!...footballs, baseballs, koosh balls...it doesn't matter!"

"oh, i remember doing that...my mom would tell me not to but i just couldn't help it"

"i know they think i'm just mean and no fun, but as an adult now do you see how reasonable a request it was for your mother to make?"

"oh, totally...but still, god i remember how hard it was not to...seriously, it was uncontrollable"

good lord, i do not know how in the hell i will survive...or how my 100 year old windows will...and it's not like we don't have space *outside* to throw things...

except that it's rained for like a million days in a row...

maybe i'll send them out to build an ark...that should keep them busy for awhile...

that sounds good...i'll get all biblical on their asses!!...parents do it all the time, why shouldn't i?...i could recruit god as my co-parent while the lord of the ring is away...idle hands and all that...it'll be great!

if i could only get them to learn how to turn water into wine i'm set!!

and now as the mother of two boys so into sports it's a little frightening, i am in that special realm of those who actually care about and therefore plan a superbowl sunday spread...i've even procured football shaped plates...believe me, i know...

it's amazing what having kids will do to a girl...it's a slippery slope i tell ya...and this weekend it looks like a slope paved with million dollar ads, cheese dip, and lots of beer...america at it's finest hour and i'm taking a front row seat...

where's janet jackson when you need her?

x.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

wal-mart and a pain in the neck...

bah...i woke up yesterday with my neck out...well nearly...but by sometime early afternoon it went completely...

but of course i did the one thing you aren't supposed to do with an injured neck...drive...and what's worse, i drove the german tuna can with a bitch of a stick and on lots of curves and hills...

i HAD to as it was the boybarians' piano lessons (apparently wingman has a good ear for music says the teacher...yea!)

so i dosed up on advil and hit the road...then i HAD to stop for gas and then i HAD to climb under the car where the gas cap rolled blah blah blah...

needless to say my neck was a wreck by the time we got home...so i munched on the advil and sipped jim beam and iced my neck and counted the minutes till i could get us all fed and in bed...

the thing about icing a muscle is that you HAVE to keep it on at least 20 minutes...even if its unbearable or you already feel numb, it still must be 20 minutes...because any less and the muscle is just getting used to it then BAM! the ice is gone and the muscle gets pissed and gets even more tense...

it's a lot like trying to take a keg cup away from the drunk girl at a party...it's only gonna piss her off and she'll go get A WHOLE NEW CUP which means she'll drink more than she would have and the consequences will be a lot more grim...best just to let her finish and what she already has then trick her out the door before she pukes on your new throw rug...

anyhow, on the way home from the stupid driving adventure we come to one of two new stoplights in the equivalent of one city block...courtesy of the new wal-mart that just opened last week...

can i say you used to be able to leave my house and not stop for a light for five miles?...and now, well...

so anyhow i stop at the second one and grumble

"thanks for all the traffic and stoplights wal-mart"

then the duke says

"yeah, it used to be just a sleepy little road before...why did they build a wal-mart right here?"

"because wal-mart wants to conquer the world...like alexander the great...they want to be sure they've captured and covered as much as they can"

"um, mama, i think you mean caeser"

"whatever...the point is they are the largest retail business in the world...they sell things so cheap but don't pay the people making them very well...and they don't pay their workers enough to afford even the basic health coverage, or provide it themselves...so people like us who pay taxes have to pick up the difference when they get sick and have to use the emergency room instead of a doctor...yet the company is worth billions!"

then wingman says

"well, that's not very kind"

"no it's not...but that's wal-mart...you get your stuff for cheap but then you have to pay higher taxes to take care of their employees...there's very little savings in the end"

"and more traffic"

indeed.

fortunately, thanks to the advil, the ice, and mr. beam my neck feels mildly better today, and hopefully will be much better by tomorrow...

unfortunately, wal-mart will still be here...

x.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

the official diagnosis...

i don't know if you recall that some months back my doctor was obsessed with the size of my neck...i told her it was due to weight gain but she wasn't convinced...

she ran tests related to thyroid, etc. and came up with nothing...

so i had to go in for a check up a month ago and she still wasn't convinced it was nothing...so she gave me a referral for an ultrasound that among other things in the comments section read "suspected neck goiter"

goiter.

really, it should be the word of the week based on its disgustingness as an actual word alone...

okay, can i tell you i am not a large woman...as much as i joke, and i have every right to because it's better than weeping into my wine, i am the average height and weight of women in this country...i swear...i looked it up...

which leads me to believe that america is just WAY TOO FAT!

anyhow, so i am not overly large per se, and have always been, until childbearing, a rather slim and shapely lass...i swear...i looked it up...so naturally, even in the face of evidence to the contrary, i still mostly feel like that slim gal inside...

until i have to call to set up the appointment for the ultrasound and the woman on the phone says what is the reason and i have to say

"suspected neck goiter"

can i tell you?...really?

so then she says, oh for thyroid?, and i say yeah and my appointment was yesterday...and i went...

so they do an ultrasound on my neck and the radiologist asks if *i* suspect i have a thyroid problem and i say

"no, i mentioned to my doctor that i thought it had to do with weight gain"

"so you don't feel you have a problem with your hormones at all?"

um, what?...hell yeah i have a problem with my hormones!...i'm a stay at home mother born in the sign of cancer!...i wake up feeling like i've been run over by a truck, cry at parades and commercials and npr, mediate frivolous arguments of energetic boybarians savvier than me, and try not to drink a bottle of wine before six p.m...yeah, i'd say i have some hormonal *issues*...

but what i really said was

"no, not really"

because what's he really gonna do about it?...hold my hand and tell me this too, shall pass?...that the days are long but the years are short?...that i am doing a great service to this country by trying to raise and educate good people?...that it's hard now but i'll miss it when they're older?...he's just there to read results and pass them along...

so he reads the ultrasound gives me the official diagnosis...

"yep, it's just chub"

chub.

"chub? is that the "official" diagnosis?"

then he chuckles...fucker...

"yep, it appears you thyroid is fine and the bulge (this just gets better and better doesn't it?) is due to weight gain"

then he leaves the room...

now see, again, this is why i don't leave the house...because i am a freak magnet...people say things to me that they wouldn't dare say to others...i guess i have that kind of face that inspires people to be rude or just say the first thing that comes into their head...

it could be much worse...it could always be much worse, i suppose...

good lord, that's not very comforting is it?

in other news the boys love piano and look forward to the lessons each week...now if we can only get a piano...

and no word on the beginning of baseball, but the boys are excited and i am excited for them...though i am actually looking forward to it about as much as i would a neck ultrasound...

and now i must be off...it's time for writing and grammar and if i don't supervise the duke gets ideas...the things he comes up with are suspect at best...

for instance yesterday he was to write an example of how one would combine two sentences that had different subjects and the same predicates...he was to make up and write the individual sentences then combine them properly...he wrote

Jerry ran from Mr. Grups.

Kate ran from Mr. Grups.

Jerry and Kate ran from Mr. Grups.

then he drew a picture of these two scared kids and a mean old man chasing them with an extra sharp rake...

"that's the mean old neighbor...he doesn't like kids...and see his address on his mailbox?...that's an unlucky number...look how fast those kids are running"

i don't know when, and i don't know where, and i don't know for what, but i know that somehow i will be blamed for something when he's older...

x.